October 22, 2020, 01:43:19 AM


If you have Login Problems Use the Login in Top Menu Bar

If you have a problem registering here, Leave a msg at our FB Page >> Here.

Plz Don't use Hotmail to Register. You might not receive Activation mail. Use Other free mail provider like Gmail or Yahoo.

Author Topic: Storyboard dialogue  (Read 776 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline CornDogs :P

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
  • Gender: Female
  • I like corn dogs and have anxiety making usernames
    • View Profile
Storyboard dialogue
« on: November 09, 2019, 03:05:24 AM »
I’m writing a story on my own time, hoping to get better. I want to make comics when I’m older, so the story I’m putting here is a dialogue storyboard, an outline of a comic story in writing. Please give me tips on what sort of details don’t make sense, what I should change, negatives, positives, etc.

Crescent Descending (name pending):

The Kingdom of Crescent. A beautiful country with green fields and blue skies, the place seems perfect at first glance. With the thriving people giving the kingdom its lungs, the country has been described as a perfect world from foreigners. But beneath some of those peaceful smiles...

Lie the flames of rebellion...
Burning in the peoples’ eyes.

Most everyone is fueled by their desire of revenge or anger,
One is empowered through her own kindness.

She holds the kingdom together.
She gives light to all around her. One who is thought by the people...

To be the next queen.

She is seen talking with a store owner in the market, likely purchasing something. She notices two kids in an alleyway staring with a fire in their eyes (or possibly stars? Both could work). She puts down three gold coins, then starts walking. The two kids are seen with empty tears and grumbling stomachs. They notice her shadow over them.
She smiles, bends down, and gives them what she bought. They stare in awe, and eventually smile, eating the bread that she gave them. She gets up and walks away, only to be encountered by more villagers.
“Are you sure that you should be giving up your money for that?” One asks.
She looks confused for a second, then answers, “What am I giving up on? I’m investing in the future of this country and the lives of my neighbors (sounds churchy so I’ll probably change it).”
The people are once again surprised and say, “You truly are going to be the next queen. After we save this country, I know that you will protect it.”
She pauses, a somewhat blank look on her face, and answers, “r-right..!”
The people start to continue going about their daily lives as she says farewell to them. She starts heading back to where she came, many thoughts buzzing through her head. Most of which were, “What do they mean?! Me? A Queen? I don’t know the first thing about leading! I’m not fit to be anyone important!”

She leaves the lower class district and heads into the higher class, then the highest. She lives in the castle with her father, the Kingdom’s first Admiral, and best friend of the king since childhood.
She flops down on her bed face-first.
“Why do they put hope in me?” She thought. “I’m not fit to lead, I don’t even wanna lead! It’s true that I’m part of the rebel army, but they can’t really expect me to shove my shoe into my dad’s face!”

Another girl enters the room. (We’ll call her girl 2 for now since i dont haven names yet lol)
“Hey, you tired?” Girl 2 asks.
“Does it LOOK like I’m tired?” She says.
“What happened?” Girl 2 says sarcastically.
She sighs, then says, “People put faith in me, but I’m not sure why. They have no proof that I can meet their expectations. What if they end up disappointed, or mad?”
“Well, it would suck, for sure, but if they end up disappointed so quick, isn’t it kinda like they didn’t trust you much in the first place? If they truly believe in you, then you have to believe that they trust you, so you can trust them.”
She stares in amazement. “What?” Girl 2 asks.
“Nothing,” she says. “I’ve never heard you go that deep before, that’s all.”
“What? Of course I can be deep. I’m learning of human emotions and politics in order to lead this country one day, so I know what you mean.”
She smiles at her.
“A princess can’t be unprepared to lead her people, now can she?”
(In comic form, there’ll be a little box in the same panel as this line, introducing girl 2’s name, as well as position as princess of Crescent)

(One week later, the low class towns)
A sudden gunshot is heard through the streets. People look up alarmingly, grabbing their kids and moving to the side. A group of terrorists are walking through, carrying weapons.
“What’re you looking at?!” One shouts. People scream and run. Only a few are left, including girl 1. She starts shaking, as she slowly reaches into her bag for a knife. One terrorist notices, and starts walking towards her. She freezes. She sees people around her watching, their eyes full of hope and expectation, adding onto her fear. “What’s in the bag?” He asks her.
“She gapes in fear and awe, sweating and shaking.
He grabs the bag from her. She gasps as he sees her hand latched onto a small knife. He starts laughing. “You thought you could fight back with this?! Hilarious!” He doesn’t try to take it from her; instead, he leaves her alone and starts walking toward an old woman. She watches the flicker in the people’s eyes disappear, causing her to break inside. As He provokes the old woman, she is behind. The man is about to stab the woman with a sword, until She breaks it with her small knife. A light glow is seen around her lower legs and arms, flowing around the knife. The stroke the knife took can be seen as a streak of light cutting through the blade of the sword. People stare in awe. Some whisper “is that... magic?” “I haven’t seen magic in ages!”
The two kids from the beginning are seen again. The younger asks his sister, “By the way, what happened to all the magic?”
His sister clears her throat and starts speaking, as the *woo sparkly* flashback starts coming in. “Ahem. Many years ago, actually 30, scientists in the kingdom discovered magic, a substance defying physics, created through willpower and other emotions. Magic quickly evolved into more than just a solid form of emotion, and was converted into light sources, weapons, transportation, etc. Magic evolved more and more, until sorcery was invented, where magic could be conjured at will from either an object or a person. Eventually the higher-ups realized that magic gave us power, and decided that they couldn’t possibly afford to lose their political power, especially the king. Therefore, the king made a declaration that scientists have found magic as a dangerous subject to stay away from. Scientists, philosophers, and many common folk disagreed and some lightly protested. Many were killed in the effort to get rid of magic. Soon enough, a civil war happened. Eventually, the idea of power in name and class being shown during this time had been passed down onto the kings son, our current king, who believes in power in titles.
Some say the magic users are all gone, some say that many went into hiding to pass down their power.” (Slowly converts back to the present) “I guess the second one is true, then.”
The siblings watch from a corner as the figure of light fights these criminals. “But still, It’s unbelievable. I never thought I’d ever be able to see magic with my own eyes.”
“Food-lady!!! You can do it!!!” The younger one shouts.
She stops for a second when she hears this, leading to one attacking her. “I’m sorry,” she said.
“I can’t be the perfect, kind, selfless, beautiful ruler that you guys want.” She quickly jolts her gaze towards the townsfolk. “I can’t be who you want me to be, but I can be who I am, and whoever I am, I want to protect the people of my country!”

Her magic brings down most of the terrorists, except for two. “Run! I’ll give you time to get away!” She shouts toward the remaining people.
They start to run, just in time as her magic starts weakening. She breaks off of who she’s fighting, and runs down the dark streets, turning at an alleyway. She watches them chase after the same straight path.
“Someone like you doesn’t belong here,” She heard a voice say. She looks around, trying to find the source. “If you know what’s good for you,” the girl said, “You should get outta here.”
She stares at this girl sitting atop a barrel holding a scythe, a bloodthirsty look in her eye.

*end of one-shot*
Thanks for reading to the end, feedback appreciated.

Offline Coryn

  • Director of the MR Science Division
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 21062
  • Gender: Male
  • Secretly a 13 year old girl.
    • View Profile
Re: Storyboard dialogue
« Reply #1 on: November 10, 2019, 04:39:50 PM »
Hmm.... Well, how to put this? Your dialogue feels like dialogue? By that I mean, it feels very much like every line was written to convey a very specific thing. The characters are speaking directly each time to a piece of the plot or an aspect of their personality. But real world people don't speak that directly. We meander and we talk around a point and we babble nonsense because we don't know what to say.

Let's zoom in a bit with:  “By the way, what happened to all the magic?”

The character is basically turning to the audience and going "I'm about to make someone give a bunch of exposition. Sit up and listen!" It's especially strange since you've got a fight happening (a much more interesting event than a bunch of exposition) right over there! It seems much more likely given how you explained things that the reaction would be "Holy crap that's magic!" You then as the narrator can get back to the action, and interlace in a colorful and interesting way the concept of magic in the world, and the action of the fight at the same time.

In short, dialogue has got to feel "human". If you (or some other theoretical person) wouldn't phrase something exactly that way to one of your friends, then it's got something wrong with it. This all depends on context of course, and dialogue will always be flavored by the characters having the discussion, but it should always feel like something that can be said out loud without seeming a little strange, lol.

Hope that helps!

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF