October 18, 2019, 05:06:51 PM

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Author Topic: A group project  (Read 229 times)

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Offline bossx5

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A group project
« on: September 13, 2019, 10:23:32 PM »
Here is an idea i been thinking of and its free for us all to work to gather on. The beginning takes place at a preschool with a carefree youn boy. His life has been difficult due to his fathers drive to make him the best leading to him always under achieving instead of being cruel like his father he is very caring to all. On his way home from school he sees a homeless woman being attacked and because of his nature he tries to help leading to him being beaten to death.

When his eyes open he is still in the world of the living along with him a beautiful woman who tells him he is an idiot and his death was his on fault not hers or the men who attacked her. She goes on to say he can never rest in peace do to his kindnessher exact words are "humans were never ment to help everyone such foolishness its ment for higher beings.

This leads to the young boy becoming something he is not a tormentor. A being who exist to punish humans no matter if the are good or evil. And to make matters worse his first person is his father although he is cruel to him he still loves him.

That is a rough idea of the story but to make it a group project we all find strange ways to torment people. The rules are the torment cant be directly linked to the victims death thats it. (I know its a dark concept) but its like a story of balance we will see if he succumb to his dark job or reach a state of peace.

If your intrested post an idea and lets get this thing going if no one is intrested I'll try on my own i just thought this would show each other our range. And if you think its a good idea. Last thing the torment doesnt have to be violent it can be physiologic.

Offline Coryn

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Re: A group project
« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2019, 07:07:07 PM »
So to me, this sounds a LOT like a personification of Death kinda story. Am I anywhere close to the money? Because if so, I definitely have some thoughts to offer. If it's just a judgement/response thing, I will have to think on it.

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Online suuper-san

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Re: A group project
« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2019, 05:40:08 PM »
Firstly, interesting idea.
But I have a question for literally every sentence you posted.
I'm curious about why exactly he HAS to become a tormentor? how does he feel about doing it, is he forced to do it? How many other people are tormentors? there's plenty of stupid deaths by people being drunk and stuff, trying to help someone isn't stupid (although that's the womans opinion?). So are figherfighters/police/soldiers there because they die trying to help others?
This is punishing humans that are still alive? so that's like karma? how would it happen? can he materialize stuff out of thin air, or manipulate events to cause a car crash? or make someone get beat up?
Plus this is a preschooler, so like super young? That's a creepy premise for sure.
Also that beautiful woman is a bit of a depressing killjoy, which is neither good nor bad as far as writing goes.

I'll pass on the torture methods XD
although, having my wifi crash when I'm posting a long post, or having my power crash when I haven't saved in the last 2 hours of drawing would be enough to qualify as torture :P
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Offline bossx5

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Re: A group project
« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2019, 06:14:51 PM »
Well to start a tormentor is a being that keeps life from being perfect so your wifi issue can count it ranges from petty to well gruesome. The story has dark tones but its not like a preschooler is pulling someone nails off i agree that would be dark. The other thing is he hates it the beautiful woman and the homeless woman are the same person or being i was think she is like the queen/king of gods who likes to experience life among mortals in diffrent forms.

The reason the boy gets this is because he knew he coudn't fight off one grown man but 4 is way out of reach knowing he would lose is like suicide so instead of sending him to the underworld she punish him in this way (for ruining her fun). Also good people are also on the list (the names of people he is to target).

In the end i want him to wake up from a coma all events happened but god was teaching him balance in life and dont throw away life (the coma last about a year or two but time works diffrent in the spirit realm). I know it is a cheesy ending but like you said that would be dark making a preschooler a tormentor for all existence for trying to help.

Offline Coryn

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Re: A group project
« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2019, 11:09:58 PM »
Hmm... I definitely like the idea of someone being required to help maintain a sort of cosmic balance. Having an afterlife "job" or purpose is pretty solid as premises go. You see it here and there, but never often enough that it becomes cliche. Plus it allows you to explore themes about our nature. That thing that drives us to have purpose. It doesn't necessarily sound like you're taking that path, so I'll digress.

The coma/all a dream thing I definitely a cop out, but I won't say not to use it for that reason. Cliches are cliches because they contain merit to begin with. However if you're taking the approach that the whole thing is still influenced by higher beings, it seems more interesting if the coma is replaced with something more in line with that. Maybe he has to find a way to escape his new lot in life, and that involves bending his new powers in such a way that he can resurrect himself.

Just some thoughts. Good luck!

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Offline bossx5

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Re: A group project
« Reply #5 on: September 22, 2019, 03:45:34 PM »
Im using yhe coma as like your off punishment moment since he is a young child i dont want the reader to be like he just killed a child but its not like it didnt happen since sleep is the closes we get to death. The king\queen god uses the boy to punish his father the guilt of how he treated his son and teaching him to be all about himself and forcing him to go against his helpful nature thats one of the reasons for the coma. I said earlier that it was his punishment but he shares it with his father upon waking at the end both are closer to balance and a reward by helping them understand each other.

The idea of cosmic balance is what i am going for its not a little nymph randomly causing mischief some hopefully is cruel but necessary. The tormentors jobs are to make life a little more fair in the grand scheme so say a rich buisness man who inherited all his money from his parents and never having any real life struggles its their job to help him look at life be it positive or negative thus bringing balance. And to make the people ask what is life made of truly, the money and physical things or the experience.

Online suuper-san

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Re: A group project
« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2019, 04:47:01 PM »
ah right cool, sounds like you've given it some thought and planned stuff out. sounds good.
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Offline bossx5

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Re: A group project
« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2019, 06:40:18 PM »
I want it to be like a anime i saw awhile back i forget the name but its about wondering storytellers the stories weren't canonical but they all contribute d to an overall story.

Offline Crackhead Johny

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Re: A group project
« Reply #8 on: October 02, 2019, 02:12:17 PM »
1. Cruel fathers do not have carefree kids so this cliche doesn't work. They do have scared cringing kids. These kids are then spotted by other preschoolers and beat up/bullied.
2. Most criminals will not beat a preschooler to death so the "killed trying to save someone" cliche fails. Child murderers do not fare well in prison.
3. Preschoolers do not attack adults unless horribly spoiled. Those raised to fear adults would never consider it.
4. Preschoolers do not help others in violent situations with adults. Especially abused preschoolers.
5. Preschoolers with intensely driven cruel parents tend to be very good in a given subject. Say the piano.
6. Preschoolers are for the most part animals and so can make excellent monsters. You want a tormentor, a child is perfect, they have no moral wiring yet. 9 year old child soldiers work on this mechanic.
7. It does have an "On a Pale Horse"  Babies feel. or Jinn Babies.
8. Preschoolers pull the wings off flies because they can. They do not do psychological torture.
9. Preschoolers are not developed to the love point (some adults aren't). They have a desire for familiarity, safety, kindness, and food. Dad doesn't provide much of this. Dad is just scary.
10. Gods recruiting children who are a year or two past toddler.. If the god recruited an adult who was this functional you'd get flamed for doing a piece about using the profoundly retarded as villains. Fagin uses much older children as an army sociopaths criminals.
11. Keeping him tormenting is hard to justify when he can do whatever he wants. "Oh a juice box!". Removing all his autonomy removes him as a character.

So your MC is a monster. A very simplistic monster, think Cujo, once he figures out he has power over others. They are too young to make charismatic and too evil to make "cute" or sympathetic. This leads to problems with the audience connecting.

This is a very difficult piece to do just based on the need to make the preschooler do non-preschooler things for story reasons (which would be totally out of character).
Then you butt into the audience hating the character.
Then you have other readers just denying the nature of children in favor of the Hollywood representation of them "All children are little angels, you monster!".
« Last Edit: October 02, 2019, 02:15:35 PM by Crackhead Johny »