Gotta be a bit careful with this one because I'm still gathering my thoughts about it and building up upon it, but it's interesting and relevant enough to share. At least I hope.
TL:DR Waited centuries for acknowledgement that was already being freely given, but was too hung up on it and didn't want to move forward. Moving forward now.
Ever had such an out of experience happy moment that you get pissed off about things in the past as a result? No? Just me? Well exactly that has happened. Pissed off isn't even the word just a sort of deep dissapointment and something akin to disgust? At my past self and hang ups.
I was urban sketching as people with too much time tend to do and having a horriblefun time of it, alternatively zoning and cursing my drawing - proportion-sama why are you so cruel - and just doing what I've done a bunch of times with no big expectations. This was one of those great sunny winter days where the air is fresh and the sun is bright (but as effective as a light bulb) and the colours are so much richer, somehow. If I had colours with me I'd paint something.
Anyhow I was almost done and this crew of 3 unassuming arabic dudes - sneakers jackets 30-40s types walk past me. One of them walks back and says 'Yo dude that's sick. You drew that? Nice!'
I appreciated it quite a bit. Said as much. But that wasn't the end of the conversation. "You want to draw my restaurant? Can you do interiors?"
I'm like "Well yes I'm *censored* but I can draw interiors. I like drawing. I know the place."
Hand wave. "Come."
And we go. Smalltalk along the way and I'm pretty bemused by the whole thing. He's super friendly. I set myself outside and start drawing the restaurant. I'm just having fun and this dude offers me tea on the house and even gets me a free meal. Somewhere along the line I find out this guy is a legit shop owner and stuff, and the drawing will be for sentimental reasons, but he also offers me instagram followers and a book commission, even at the very least the chance to sketch a fancy cocktail bar where at least one free drink will be on the table. I'm bemused as all hell and getting excited even.
Meeting ends and I'm in the present, reeling from all of this. I have one last exam to write before I truly chew over this but I'm thinking, more than the phenomenal validation of some amount of marketablility of my work, that I've wasted a hell of a lot of time seeking approval when I could've just been going along getting stuff done.
This is literally a self-made problem. It's the same cheese I hit myself with when it came to writing. I had no idea I had it in me to write paid commissions until I did it and got cash for it. And now this. I thought my realistic perceptions of my level of art were on point, but they were a bit too pessimistic, and I should've done a lot more to push myself and do what I wanted to do and risk what I wanted to risk without waiting for approval. I can see about 8 or more wasted years of wasted farting about at a minimum because of all this foot dragging.
I'm not saying my ish smells like rosy flowers of the field, I'm just saying I should've focused on my stuff while ignoring the noise. And while I'm happy as heck to be free of that rut (never getting hung up again) I'm so, so bitter about it all. This is not a lesson I'm having fun learning about, but it's important all the same.
To close off this particular revelation: I am my own watcher. Seen dudes do one drawing a day minimum as a regimen on their IG that led to some great results. I'm doing something like that. My writing needs love. 1,000 words a day may be crazy/not crazy enough. I'll need to see, but I'm definitely making a self commitment to myself on that.
I'm still on the improvement circuit, but there are some stories and comics I need to wrap up and slam dunk. They're going to be worth something to at least one person out there, and I'm going to finish them as a commitment to myself and on the off chance I'll reach one person I will miss if I don't get to work on that.
God I'm pissed as all hell. I'm hoping when I get to terms with it I'll be able to look at this all positively, but now I just want to sucker punch my past self. Or make him deaf.
Second part of the revelation is: Marketing is a completely other thing than Creativity. It's a circuit that needs to be practiced and cultivated somehow, and I'll look into it tentatively. Really, I don't want (and can't. I know myself) to be an entrepreneur. Heck, I don't even want fame. But I can at least make a front that isn't cowering under a blanket under a carpet in a basement under an Igloo in the North Pole. I can be ninja, but I don't need to deny my existence. That's going too far.
Did I mention proportions are frustrating to learn? K.