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Author Topic: Dragon Universe [Reworked]  (Read 7881 times)

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Offline Coryn

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Re: Dragon Universe [Reworked]
« Reply #30 on: September 15, 2020, 11:41:53 PM »
Whelp! I've put off getting into reading this for too long and now it's going to be a task and a half! Good job me... Anywho, let's get rolling!


Chapter 1 Comments:

1. The crayon art style is a cool concept for the beginning flashback, but it sure seems like this mysterious figure is getting more details thrown at them than a child's crayon drawing could reasonably convey clearly. Even if a professional artist can show such details, you have to ask if a child could. Otherwise what's the point of doing it in crayon?

2. What's this mansion look like exactly? Give us architectural stylings, time period, etc. A mansion in the woods conveys different appearances to different people, I can tell you that from personal experience (long story short: college). Paint the picture!

3. Pretty ambitious sword training to go from splitting a log with a wooden sword from 5 to 4 strokes overnight (or at all, for that matter). If Yuki could do that, it seems like the note about her "uncharacteristically" fighting later on doesn't seem to gell with this earlier information.

4. Are cloaks the uniform for random bandits in this universe? Again, paint the setting. If it's at all "modern", cloaks seem like an odd choice.

5. That's a terrible joke Thug 2...

6. So did these yahoos have any idea they would find a mansion out in the woods, or are they for real just wandering aimlessly? If it's the latter, I am already questioning their validity as a threat.

7. If you're going to be an amoral thug, might as well go all the way and trap the girl from the start. It's a big mansion, she's clearly possessed of some importance. Even if it doesn't work out, you'd think your first thought as "thug" would be to take a hostage and see where that gets you. They seem like the type to do it since they have apparently no impulse control or patience. I mean they just walk right up through the front door. They don't even take the time to scope the place out.

8. This flashback with Bryan really doesn't serve a purpose as written. From the dialogue and context clues, we are already learning everything we see in the flashback without having to resort to a flashback. Save your artist and readers the trouble I say and just get on with it.

9. Hitachi sure betrays these dudes he's hanging out with immediately. I mean he was even coordinating his fashion with them, so you'd think they'd have a closer bond. You know how it's generally a bad idea to trust someone who already betrayed someone else right? Even if it was in favor to you, it sets a sketchy precedent.

10. Bryan is oblivious to the mood in the room. This is clearly no time to be declaring one's ambitions...

11. This goes back to my previous point, but Yuki and Bryan am sure are quick to trust a guy who only minutes earlier was their defacto enemy. What does this guy even want?

12. Finally, by the time we're at the end of chapter 1, I have no idea how old any of these characters are supposed to be. Bryan seems young if he's talking about getting in to a school, but the way he talks to Yuki makes him sound much older than her. You can't rely on art filling this void either, because as it is often remarked on with anime/manga, how old a character looks and how old they're supposed to be don't always line up (or even get in the same room in some cases).


Overall I thought it was a good start, and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter! Keep writing!

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline PichuDX

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Re: Dragon Universe [Reworked]
« Reply #31 on: September 17, 2020, 10:50:59 PM »
[Reply to Coryn]

Well, I came back here to bless the site with some more DU, and had a mini heart attack when I saw Coryn was the most recent post. Thankfully, It's not a ban or anything :D

Haha, all joking aside, I'm super excited you decided to pick up the story my man! I, of course, appreciate the feedback!
In fact, you're one of the first to provide a sort of "Critical" lens to it (Aside from a good MR pal o'mine ^-^), at least to this extent, so I welcome the challenge >:)
I'll admit, there's a ton of problems with this opening chapter. A lot of detail is lacking while the plot moves forward. Especially with regards to the mansion, even my artists and I struggled when it came to putting it on paper T.T;

That being said, I hope these blemishes don't hinder your enjoyment of the story! It's one hell of a ride, and I mean that as both a story and a learning experience for myself as a writer! I really hope you keep it up with these kinds of detailed comments! This is the kind of stuff that helps me to strengthen the later chapters a ton!

. . . That being said . . . I really should establish their ages in the manga and not just their design bios  . . . How in the heck did I overlook that!? >->;

(Anyone else who may be reading along with the chapters, feel free to post comments like Coryn! Seriously, I live for this kind of stuff ^-^)
« Last Edit: September 17, 2020, 11:04:44 PM by PichuDX »

Offline PichuDX

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Re: Dragon Universe [Reworked]
« Reply #32 on: September 17, 2020, 10:59:24 PM »
[ Vol 3 Start + Chapter 25 Post ]

Wooo! The break wasn't as long as last time! Here's the start of volume 3, I hope you're ready for a COUNTDOWN! This may be the most action packed and tense volume yet, so I hope you stick around for the good stuff!

Chapter 25 - A Calm Before -
Spoiler

Chapter 25 - A Calm Before -

(The chapter opens on a digital clock, on a completely black background. It reads 240:00:00.
The scene picks up with Yuki and Hitachi, still in Yuki’s room. Yuki is sitting on her bedside, while Hitachi is eyeing Korace, taking in the information that Yuki had just finished relaying to him.)

Yuki: . . . So, yeah. That’s the gist of it. Whether you believe me or not is-

(Hitachi picks Korace up, and swings it around in front of himself haphazardly [Korace is still sheathed.] Yuki seems shocked by his action, as Hitachi makes a comment.)

Hitachi: This thing said it will talk to whomever it “deems worthy”, right?

Yuki: Woah, Hitachi what are you-!?

(Suddenly, Korace outbursts in a fit of rage.)

Korace: < WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, CHILD!? WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO-!?>

(Hitachi smirks, and places Korace gently along the wall again. Yuki seems speechless, if not a little confused.)

Hitachi: Well now, I guess I am “worthy” afterall.

Korace: <H-Huh…? . . . Tch.>

(Yuki, dumbfounded, lets out a sigh of relief. Hitachi directs his attention over to Yuki now.)

Hitachi: Well, now that I know the thing actually talks, I think I have a pretty clear idea on how a few loose ends tie together.

Yuki: What? “Loose ends”?

(Hitachi shrugs to himself, as several scenes from the past [Specifically when they were tracking down the original thugs, and Yuki had been following Korace’s instructions to help track them down. There was a moment where Hitachi noticed something seemed off] is shown behind him, in the back of his mind.)

Hitachi: Don’t worry about that, it’s not really that important. Anywho…

(Hitachi pulls out his C.R.O.W, and messes around with it.)

Yuki: What are you-?

(Hitachi casually responds, without looking up at Yuki.)

Hitachi: Letting Bryan know about your friend “Korace” over here.

(Yuki seems quite disturbed, and stands up in protest.)

Yuki: Wait, Hitachi! Stop, don’t tell him anything!!!

(Hitachi raises an eyebrow, but continues to tap away. Yuki rushes over, and begins to wrestle with him, stopping him from sending the message.)

Hitachi: Whoa- calm down! Yuki, this isn’t the kind of thing that you should be keeping from your teammates!

Yuki: I- I get that! But hear me out, I don’t want that knucklehead in on it!

(Hitachi breaks free, and steps back. His C.R.O.W is now by his side, he’s decided to hear Yuki out.)

Hitachi: . . . And the reason being?

Yuki: Listen, as much as I agree that the talking sword thing is pretty important information, I don’t want to tell Bryan.

(Yuki looks over at Korace.)

Yuki: Korace had asked me awhile back to keep that fact a secret… I only told you because you kind of forced it out of me… Plus I can trust you.

(A visual of a chibi, laughing Bryan is shown to appear in both HItachi and Yuki’s head’s, as Yuki explains this next bit.)

Yuki: Bryan would go wild if he found out about this. That Loudmouth would go around the entire city and told everyone he met on the street!

Hitachi: . . . Yeah, I can see that happening.

(Hitachi sighs, and puts his C.R.O.W away.)

Hitachi: Fine. You win. But I want to ask “Korace” over there why they want to keep it a-
(A click is heard from Hitachi’s pocket. A moment of still silence is had in the room, before a bead of sweat appears on Hitachi’s forehead. Yuki seems unfazed, for a moment.)

Yuki: . . . Hitachi? What was that?

(Hitachi slowly pulls the C.R.O.W back out, and looks down at it’s screen. His worst nightmares are realized.)

Hitachi: U-Um… “Nothing”?

(Yuki, still unfazed, takes a step towards Hitachi. Before Hitachi can back up, Yuki looks down at the C.R.O.W as well, and sees that a message was just recently sent to Bryan. She looks up at Hitachi. For a brief moment, she smiles sweetly. Then, the next, she is strangling him with killer intent [In a comedic fashion, of course.])

Yuki: HITACHI, WHAT THE HELL!? ARE YOU INSANE!?


Hitachi: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, I SWEAR!!!

(Suddenly, a knocking is heard at the door. Yuki and Hitachi panic for a moment, as Yuki stops strangling Hitachi. From the other side, Lillian swings back and forth, waiting for a response. She seems to be in a pleasant mood. Yuki clears her throat, a bit nervous of who might be behind the door.)

Yuki: Y- Yes?

(Hitachi grasps at his neck, and catches his breath in the background. The two wait a moment. Then, they both seem mortified when they hear the reply.)

Lillian: Hey~! Yuki, are you doing alright in there? I heard a bit of a commotion, I was just stopping by to remind you to meet us down the hall in a bit.

(She is completely oblivious to the situation beyond the door. Yuki turns over to Hitachi, and before Hitachi can get a word out, she covers his mouth, and moves him to a corner of the room that isn’t visible from the doorway. She gives him a signal. She pretty much tells him if he speaks, she’ll slit his throat. Her dead serious expression clues Hitachi in, and he nods, terrified for his own life. Yuki then makes her way over to the door, and answers as casually as she can.)

Yuki: H-Hey! Um, yeah, I’ll get Hitachi and we’ll be right down.

(Lillian waves, and then suddenly attempts to enter the room. Yuki is caught completely off guard, as Lillian casually weaves her way past her.)

Lillian: I heard you used my dress last night! Haha, I’m sure it looked cute on you! Come on, you’ve just got to show me!

(Yuki has the look of complete and utter defeat on her face as she sees Lillian notice Hitachi. Yuki drags her feet over to the two, and notices Hitachi has reacted the same way. There is a moment of silence, as if Lillian is trying to piece something together. Then she turns to Yuki.)

Lillian: Where is it?

Yuki: . . . Huh?

Lillian: The dress? We don’t got all day, silly!

(Yuki now just seems confused. Her eye twitches, and then she looks to Hitachi. Again, he seems to be taking the situation in the same way. The two then turn to Lillian. Lillian, oblivious to the obvious implications, seems innocently confused.)

Lillian: . . . ? What, did I say something odd again?

(Yuki shakes her head, and grabs Hitachi by the sleeve. She drags him out of the room, and has a brief moment with him before returning to Lillian.)

Yuki: L- Listen. Just find a way to delete that message!

(Before Hitachi can come up with a rebuttal, she slams the door on him. Hitachi seems at a loss for words, before pulling his C.R.O.W back out. He looks down at the device, as a bead of sweat appears on his forehead once more.)

Hitachi: “Delete”… ? um… How?

(Yuki returns to Lillian once more. Lillian is sitting on the bed, still a bit confused.)

Lillian: Why’d you kick Hitachi out?

(Yuki blushes, and shakes her head again.)

Yuki: Nevermind that, you said you wanted to see the dress, right?

(The two talk amongst themselves a bit, as Yuki grabs the dress out of a drawer. The scene fades to black once more. The digital clock reappears, displaying as 238:00:00. Then, the scene switches back to Hitachi and Yuki, walking throughout the halls of the Fukagawa Building. Yuki doesn’t have Korace with her, and Hitachi is also unarmed. Yuki eyes Hitachi as they walk, making Hitachi shiver.)
Yuki: So. Did you do it?

Hitachi: . . . Do what?

Yuki: The message. Did you delete it?

(Hitachi remains silent for a few moments, and then turns his head in the opposite direction to respond.)

Hitachi: Of course.

Yuki: Don’t lie to me, you jerk!

(The two walk a bit further ahead, and reach the meeting room from before, where they had been debriefed on the Chain escort mission. Hitachi takes a deep breath, and then casually enters the room, with Yuki cautiously following behind. In the room, Fukagawa, Lillian, and Taro are seated. Bryan is also present, leaning against the wall closest to the door. They seemed to have been waiting for the other two.)

Fukagawa: It’s about time, you two. I was considering just scrapping the idea entirely. We are a very busy team ourselves, you know…

(Lillian flicks Fukagawa on the arm, making a pouty face. Fukagawa ignores this, and motions to a few empty seats across the meeting table. Bryan waves at his teammates. Both Yuki and Hitachi are put on edge, still believing that Bryan had accidentally found out about Korace. Yuki and Hitachi pretend to not be fazed, and sit next to Bryan at the table. Bryan is seated in between the two, while the two cautiously eye one another, still uneasy and confused. Bryan doesn’t seem to notice the tension building up, completely oblivious to the situation.)

Bryan: You guys feeling any better? I'm still a bit sore myself, but I’m down for some more Requests!

(Yuki and Hitachi look at one another, confused. Yuki, nervously, asks Bryan about the message.)

Yuki: Bryan… Did you get any kind of message from Hitachi earlier?

(Bryan seems a bit confused, but then remembers what she’s talking about. He reaches into his pocket, and begins to pull out his C.R.O.W.)

Bryan: Oh, you mean this-

(Yuki rushes over to him, frantically attempting to snatch it from him.)

Yuki: DON’T LISTEN TO IT, IT WAS ALL A JOKE! JUST A SILLY LITTLE JOKE! YOU SHOULD JUST PRETEND YOU NEVER SAW A THING!

(Bryan simply holds Yuki back, a bit confused.)

Bryan: Well… I mean it looked more like an accident than a joke.

(Yuki stops flailing around. She’s now the confused one.)


Yuki: . . . what do you mean by “accident”?

(Bryan pulls up the message, and reveals to Yuki, Hitachi, and the reader, that the message that Hitachi sent was just a bunch of scrambled and jumbled letters and numbers, as if someone had swiped their hands over the keyboard several times.)

Bryan: Did he try to send an actual message earlier? I just kind of figured he didn’t know how to use the C.R.O.W…

(Yuki and Hitachi both think for a moment, and then remember when Yuki had attempted to rip the C.R.O.W out of Hitachi’s hands. A lightbulb goes off for both of them, and a sigh of relief escapes Yuki, but a much more powerful sigh comes from Hitachi, as if he had put his life on the line. During all of this, Team Fukagawa watches in the background. Fukagawa clears his throat.)

Fukagawa: . . . Are you finished?

(Yuki pats Bryan on the shoulder, and gives him the same smile she gave Hitachi, moments before strangling him.)

Yuki: Bryan. Don’t worry about that message. It wasn’t important.

Bryan: . . . But-

(Her grip suddenly tightens, tenfold.)

Yuki: Don’t. Worry. About. It.

(Bryan lets out a slight yelp. The scene then moves forward a bit, the three are now paying attention to Fukagawa.)

Fukagawa: So, what are you guys looking to do, in terms of Requests?

Hitachi: I- I’d like to refrain from anymore “Life or Death” scenarios, at least for a little while…

(Bryan seems disappointed, as Yuki adds her own comments.)

Yuki: Yeah, I second that. There are other types of Requests we can take around the city that don’t involve dangerous work, right Reihei?

(Fukagawa nods. Taro pulls out his own C.R.O.W, and places it on the table. It enters a holographic state. There is a list of jobs to the right of the floating display, and a map of the city to the left. The city seems to take up most of the display, with little points of interest dotted all about. There is also a point of interest on the Fukagawa Building, indicating their location.)

Taro: Getting a Request here is much easier than getting one back in the forest. Taoru City is always cycling through Requests, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

(Lillian chimes in.)

Lillian: That’s city life for ya! There’s always something to do!

Fukagawa: Luckily for you three, the type of Requests you’ve been taking so far are extremely rare cases. If I am to understand correctly, you’ve taken two so far, right? There was that Urgent Request from that father and sickly daughter back in the forest, and then the Joint-Investigation and Escort Request from Jess.

(Bryan hops in for a moment.)

Bryan: Technically, we’ve taken three! The first one we took was capturing a small band of thugs, it’s what led us to meet you guys in Kuro Village!

(Fukagawa readjusts his glasses.)

Fukagawa: I see.

(Fukagawa swipes on Taro’s C.R.O.W from his seat, and the hologram begins to cycle through Requests.)

Fukagawa: It’s not uncommon for a Rookie Party, or even a full fledged Party like us, to specialize in one area of expertise. There’s Requests for pretty much anything out there, you just gotta find what you're good at.

(Lillian cheerfully begins to add her own insight.)

Lillian: Team Fukagawa specializes in Investigations and Detaining Criminals, the dangerous stuff. Kind of like what you’ve been through the last few days.

Yuki: I’m assuming the payout for those kinds of jobs are much better than the usual, no?

Bryan: Not Necessarily...

Fukagawa: It depends heavily on the client. For example, the Escort Request you three undertook, while a bit messy, was still technically successful. That one was a Request from the University itself, so it’s pay will be substantially better than most.

(Yuki looks down at her own C.R.O.W, still not really sure how to properly make use of it.)

Yuki: How do you check how much you’ve made on a Request?

Fukagawa: That’s easy. It’s added directly to your Student Account as soon as the University clears the Request. This, by the way, goes for Private Requests as well.

(An image of a cycle is shown to the reader. The first step in the cycle is an individual putting credit into their C.R.O.W, and sending it off to the University. Then, the next step shows the University sending the credit to the Students. The final Step shows the Student and the Request giver giving one another a thumbs up, before looping back around.)

Fukagawa: The University uses its own micro economy. The Request Giver places their real world earnings into their University Account, they then send it the University’s way. Obviously, if the University is the Giver, then that first step is skipped entirely. Then, the University sends the credit over to the Students, upon completion of course.

(Taro leans back in his chair.)

Taro: Rinse and repeat. Pretty simple way to earn a living.

(Hitachi looks over at Bryan, but directs his speech towards Fukagawa.)

Hitachi: We pretty much got the gist from this airhead, but that does clear some specifics up.

Fukagawa: Now then, what is it you guys are looking to do around the city?

(There is a moment of silence. The three look at one another, without really being sure of what they want. It takes a moment, but Yuki breaks the silence.)

Yuki: Honestly, anything fast and easy, at least while we recover a bit.

(Bryan puffs out his cheek, as if he wanted something more challenging, and Hitachi nods in agreement.)

Fukagawa: Right. Then let’s see what’s around here…

(The Students look up at the hologram as the camera peels back, this last panel should be a wide shot of all six discussing things amongst themselves. The panel following this returns to the digital clock. It now reads 212:30:00. Several “loose” panels are scattered around the page. One shows Lillain walking around with Yuki in the city, enthusiastically showing her some kind of restaurant. Yuki seems a bit shy in the panel, tucked away in her coat. Another shows Hitachi lifting some of the rubble created during the Chain fight, with a couple of construction workers around doing similar things. Taro is also present, observing Hitachi as he works. Another shows Bryan bickering with Fukagawa, as Bryan touches evidence at a small crime scene at a small shop. A final panel is shown of Yuki and Hitachi looking at one another, nervously, as Bryan, oblivious to their concern, whistles on past. Eventually, the page reassembles itself, showing a new scene. It starts off with unplaced humming, and eventually leading to showing Rachel, in a rose-red room, drawing doodles on some loose papers on the floor. A few feet from her, there are three figures, gathered around a small, elegant table. The first to be detailed is Sither and Vince. Sither is unmasked, in her casual attire, stirring some kind of tea, pleasantly sitting at the table. Vince is much more solemn, holding his arms behind his back, and standing tall besides her. The third participant of this gathering is York. York seems a bit uncomfortable, sitting in a seat that’s a bit too extravagant for his tastes. He has taken his coat off, hung over the seat, revealing tattered, old clothes underneath. He watches as Sither silently and happily takes a sip from her cup. He then directs his attention to Vince, who simply raises his eyebrows in a strange way in response. York finally decides to speak up, clearing his throat.)

York: No offense… Grim Reaper. But I doubt you invited me to this chamber so that we could share a spot of tea.

(The room is shown in more detail now. It’s a fairly large room, with extravagant interior designs lining the walls. The furniture seems to be victorian, with hints of dark reds and velvet padding. Sither places her cup down onto the table, letting a simple chuckle escape before answering her new subordinate.)

Sither: Please, no need to be formal. We’re family, you can call me Sith. And by all means, I don’t see why this can’t simply be a “spot of tea.” Vince.

(Vince nods, and casually strolls over to York’s side. He pulls out from behind him, surprising York a bit, a pot of tea and a new cup. He pours a bit for York, before heading back to Sither’s side. Vince looks over at York, and let’s the pot he had just used drop out of his hands. York jerks forward a bit, as if he wanted to try to catch it, but the pot, suddenly, blinks out of existence. Shocked, York, while still leaning forward, looks up at Vince. Vince shrugs, and makes the pot appear again in his hand. York sits back up, a bit shaken. Sither continues to enjoy herself.)

Vince: Talents are strange things, New Blood. You can do pretty much anything you can imagine, with enough practice.

(Sither shoots Vince a slightly irritated glance, as if he had stolen her thunder.)

York: That was your Talent… right. It’s a strange thing to try and get used to…

(York looks down at himself, and flashes back to the point where he had attempted to shoot Feilio back during the Meeting.)

Sither: I figured you were still trying to piece things together.

(Sither gets up, and walks over to York. York, a bit nervous, waits to see what she does. Vince also moves back to York, on the opposite end of the table. Sither places her hand in front of herself, her palm facing the ceiling.)

Sither: Vince wasn’t wrong. A Talent is simply a materialization of one’s passion. Their “personality”, if you will.

(Suddenly, Sither’s soul starts to slip out from under her sleeves, and embody itself in her palm. York watches in awe, as the room starts to glow a light blue, due to the soul’s radiance. Rachel can also be seen gawking at the soul in the background.)

Sither: As long as one pours their heart and soul into something, no matter how impossible it may seem-

(Her soul starts to burn brighter, and it begins to raise up to the ceiling in a brilliant flame. York stares at the soul in awe.)

Sither: As long as your passion burns as bright as your soul, then anything is possible.

(Sither calls her soul back, and it recedes back into her sleeves. She looks down at York, with a motherly smile.)


Sither: During the meeting, your soul burnt a brilliant red.

(A flashback is shown from the meeting, but from Sither’s perspective. The scene shows the moment that York pulled the trigger on Feilio, but this time there is an almost obnoxiously large aura surrounding York’s chest. It wraps around his entire body.)

Sither: Despite never having used a Talent before in your entire life, your unrelenting rage for that scumbag ended up unlocking it, with relative ease at that.

(Sither chuckles a bit.)

Sither: Though, I doubt you intended to let Feilio live. It was mere coincidence that your Talent worked the way it did.

(York is now looking down at his tea. He closes his eyes, and takes a nice, long sip. Sither pauses for a moment, and then motions for Vince.)

Sither: Vince. I have other matters to attend to. Would you mind taking young York here to your “Room”?

(Vince seems a bit surprised, but casually chuckles at the thought.)

Vince: Ah, you want to put him to work as soon as possible, I take it?

(Sither pats York on the back, and begins to make her way for the door. Rachel gets up, and begins to follow her, continuing to hum.)

Sither: York, consider today your “proper” induction into the family. I hope to see great things from you in the future.

(York gets up, and watches Sither and her child leave the room. York and Vince are left in the room together, in silence. York looks over at Vince, expecting him to give some kind of direction or order. Vince walks a few steps back, and simply begins to sit criss cross, on the floor. York is understandably confused.)

York: . . . So what is this “Room” all about?

(Vince lifts his head to reply to York, but his eyes seem different. He has a malicious, almost sadistic look to them.)

Vince: Why are you asking me? Look around. Can’t you tell?

(York’s heart then stops, as he suddenly realizes what has happened, in the mere blink of an eye. All around him, weapons lay bare, lodged and thrown haphazardly along a metallic, grey floor. There is no longer a visible ceiling. There is no longer any visible end to the vast, strange room that the two had now found themselves in. York jolts around, trying to find an answer that isn't there. Any kind of weapon imaginable is present, piled on top of one another in some cases. York finally snaps back into reality, as he hears Vince snicker. The scene ends on a close up of an eerily excited, yet casual Vince.)

Vince: This IS my “Room”.

(The scene then changes back to the digital clock. It now reads 210:00:00. A familiar alley way is shown. The camera pans in, and into a cracked open doorway, to reveal C.L.A.W’s hideout. There, several figures have gathered. The usual three, Galivent, Shake, and Teddy, are gathered around the table. Galivent is on the couch, while Shake and Teddy are messing around with some kind of electronics nearby. Then, a ringing is heard. Teddy looks over at Galivent, telling the reader that the sound is coming from near Galivent.  Almost lazily, Galivent answers a C.R.O.W similar to the older ones that they had been distributing to the mafia.)

Galivent: Yo, what is it Boss?

(Teddy and Shake look at one another, confused.)

Teddy: That’s odd… the Boss doesn’t usually call out of the blue. Think something’s up?

Shake: Who knows… But I’ve got a bad feeling about-

(Without warning, Galivent crushes the C.R.O.W within his palm. A wicked, sadistic grin spreads across his face. He is becoming excited. Teddy and Shake drop what they are doing, and turn to see what's up.)

Shake: Gali- What is it!?

(Galivent gets up, the excitement only growing on his face. He looks at the reader directly, while answering Shake.)

Galivent: Change of plans…

(The digital clock appears, but something feels off. Suddenly, the number shown [210:00:00] begins to glitch out, and as Galivent says the final line of the chapter, the true time left is shown.)

Galivent: We strike TOMORROW!!!

(The clock, still a bit glitchy, reads 20:59:59...)

END



Also, as a side note: All of the mafia members [With the exception of Feilio] from the previous chapter have been designed! They are over on our facebook, if your interested, go check it out!
« Last Edit: September 17, 2020, 11:05:19 PM by PichuDX »

Offline Coryn

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Re: Dragon Universe [Reworked]
« Reply #33 on: September 18, 2020, 10:39:36 AM »
Haha, no worries Pichu! I have Dragon Universe as an open tab, so I plan to keep going. I'm glad I could provide a critical eye. Life is busy as always, but we all have to keep in touch with not only our own writing, but with the writing of others. MR isn't living up to its promise if we don't help each other out  ;)

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline Coryn

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Re: Dragon Universe [Reworked]
« Reply #34 on: September 21, 2020, 05:05:05 PM »
Alright, pushing ahead, here's my critiquing of the next chapter


Chapter 2 Comments:


1. It's an awful quick turn around from fighting to serving food. There should also be some mention of the kind of food. If it's something Yuki had to prepare, did Hitachi and Bryan just sit in silence the whole time? If you want her to have cooked something, roll the scene back a bit, and have them talk while she cooks and they clean up. It gives the characters something more interesting to do than just sit at a table.

2. Hitachi really should explain himself before anyone thinks to suggest teaming up with him. If it's Bryan's job to hunt criminals, and Hitachi was a criminal 10 minutes earlier, they should suss out exactly what their relationship vis-a-vis criminal hunting before having anything resembling friendly relations.

3. So Bryan is already a rookie? But not part of a squad? It seems like his big dream deals with this university, even though he doesn't sound like he meets its prerequisites yet. Just seems audacious for him to just be wandering after random criminals if he isn't in the criminal catching school yet.

4. Great information about your home there Hitachi. The ice country is cold. Couldn't have guessed. Somebody get this kid an interesting fact.

5. "dropout rate is almost half as many kids that get into the school." You could end this sentence after "half". The rest is already implied.

6. This school sounds a lot less like a school and more like the jobs section on craigslist. The rookies sound like they're doing a bunch of work with no promise of actually getting anything in return. It doesn't logically follow very well. I would say it all seems backwards. Instead of doing jobs for the school in order to get into the school, I would suggest getting into the school first, and then the odd jobs become a way of earning your keep. After all, schools are supposed to teach things to people. Given that it accepts kids into its ranks, then one would expect they wouldn't require a resume prior to entrance. At the very least there should be some level of courses available without the need to prove your mettle.

7. And to keep on the line of logic, if Bryan isn't on a team with three members, and therefore not official, who is he getting orders from? Why would a school give orders to people who aren't official?

8. "Yuki: What? Wouldn’t that be kind of awkward…? Though", bitch, you got a mansion, what's awkward about it? You could go days without seeing one another and would have your own separate rooms and facilities. Not like Yuki isn't already used to being by herself. It's only as awkward as having a roommate.

9. It seems like a wasted opportunity to give away exactly what the magical sword is saying right at the get go. If you keep it one-sided for a while, you build the mystery of the clearly mysterious sword. Plus there's an interesting angle you can play of "has the girl whose been living alone in the woods for an undetermined period of time crazy or not?". Both should help keep the audience coming back to find out.



Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline NO1SY

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Re: Dragon Universe [Reworked]
« Reply #35 on: September 22, 2020, 12:42:13 PM »
Oh Coryn you beat me to it! I've had a review of Volume 1 on the backburner while I finished up my War Arc story... Long time overdue Pichu... sorry about getting distracted!

Here is a link to a google doc version of the volume 1 you have posted here, which I have then made comments on:
This is a comments only link, but I have private messaged you a link to an editable version also.

As for a general comment for the whole volume:

Overall, this was an enjoyable volume 1 of a shounen romp. Not the most original thing ever, but I'd rather see a thousand unoriginal things done well than one original thing done poorly, and I commend you for just sticking with what you want to write and going for it. In a lot of ways it was nice to have this nostalgic feeling of the times when I was reading and loving Hunter x Hunter and Reborn! That all said, it would be good if you could find something, just one thing, to help your world stand out from the rest a bit - a hook in the worldbuilding to complement the likeable cast of characters that you have and the superpowered action, both of which are the current standouts of your writing.

You have been very proliferative with this series, and I'm sure that it is improving as you gain further experience writing it. It may be interesting to go back at some point and revisit this early volume now that you have written more. A second pass may be very interesting for you.

A last piece of advice is to really proof-read before posting, especially if you are actually looking for an artist or a publisher to work with. Mistakes like the ones made repeatedly throughout this piece may seem small, but can be quite offputting for some people when they are choosing who to work with.


Anyways, thank you very much for sharing this story with us! Best of luck on seeing it through to its conclusion! :biggrin:

Offline Coryn

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Re: Dragon Universe [Reworked]
« Reply #36 on: September 22, 2020, 02:38:35 PM »
Oh Coryn you beat me to it! I've had a review of Volume 1 on the backburner while I finished up my War Arc story... Long time overdue Pichu... sorry about getting distracted!

 :tongue: You just got unlucky with me hopping back into the review game while my own War Arc workload is temporarily at a lull. Of course working on War Arc has also reminded me of the joy of critiquing, so there's that too.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline PichuDX

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Re: Dragon Universe [Reworked]
« Reply #37 on: September 26, 2020, 01:45:39 PM »
[Chapter 26 Post]

Here's Chapter 26! Just a small update, I am currently in the process of fixing grammatical and spelling errors from previous chapters. I can't give an ETA, as the Forum keeps fighting me whenever I try to post the updates, but I'll let you all know when they are live!

Until then, enjoy the newest chapter!

Spoiler

Chapter 26 - Ray of Life -

(The chapter opens up on a shot of Yuki’s boots, walking in the city. The panel pulls back, showing that she's still a bit nervous to be there, which is clear by the way she's hiding within her coat. She looks down at her C.R.O.W, which displays a map of the street she’s on. Ahead of her, on said map, there is a waypoint. Yuki looks up, and notices an extravagant skyscraper a few buildings down. Yuki looks down at Korace, who is in her other hand.)

Yuki: Looks like that’s the place…

Korace: < It would appear so. >

(A shot of Yuki looking up at the building, now in front of it, is shown. There is a flashing, brilliant billboard above the main doorway, which reads “Ray Records”. The digital clock from before is now a part of the panel, by the bottom right, reading “5:00:00”. The next scene has Yuki walking into the building, a bit nervous. Immediately, the environment sends a shiver down her spine. The lobby area she finds herself in is extravagantly detailed, with leather seats and long, simple tables lining the walls. A long, red carpet is outstretched in front of Yuki. Plenty of people litter the lobby, many of which are carrying some kind of instrument or instrument case around. Some groups of people [Which are of varying ages] are seated, as if waiting to be called, while others are simply hanging out and chit-chatting. No one pays Yuki any mind. Yuki scans the room from the entrance, and begins to make her way to a desk at the far end, which reads “Reception”. As she makes her way over, a figure slides right by her in the background, with a smug grin on their face. After a moment, Yuki seems to notice something floating by her face. She blinks, and looks to her left, seeing that a small, balloon-like orb is hovering beside her. On top of the orb, lies her C.R.O.W. . Yuki, in disbelief, snatches the C.R.O.W back up. As she does this, to her surprise, the orb pops in a small, harmless flash of light. This flash makes Yuki lightly shriek, to the amusement of those in the lobby. Embarrassed, she whips around, and sees the figure who had walked past her, chuckling to himself. This figure, unfamiliar to Yuki, should be familiar to the reader. The figure is revealed to be the same street performer that had opened chapter 14 (The one who had been performing, and had caught Lillian’s attention.)
Here is a repeat of his description, because its been awhile -
Description of the Performer: He is a well built, darker skinned, male individual. He is dressed in a black tank top, a dark red beanie, and baggy, grey sweatpants. He isn't wearing shoes at all. His hair, long and black, is pulled back into a ponytail, but the ponytail itself is several dreadlocks [Picture hair normally pulled back, but just the tail portion being the locks] )

Performer [???]: Haha! I take it you're not from around here, miss?

(Yuki, embarrassingly, fumbles for Korace, and gets into an aggressive stance.)

Yuki: W-When did you-!?


(The performer begins to laugh even harder, almost losing his breath. As he does, several more orbs appear from behind him, and float around that general area. He regains his composure, clapping once to make all the orbs pop at once. The flash startles Yuki again. The performer walks back up to her, and the two stare each other down at a close range.)

Performer: See, no need to worry yourself! The little fellas are harmless. I’m just an entertainer. See?

(Another orb forms from his palm, and floats there for a moment. It begins to orbit around the two while their conversation continues.)

Performer: You need to be careful in the big city. A lot of folks are gonna be looking to take advantage of newbies like yourself.

(Yuki sighs, still embarrassed, and turns to continue walking.)

Yuki: V- very funny… Go bother someone else, “Entertainer.”

Performer: I mean, If I were you, I’d listen to what the friendly entertainer has to say… See?

(The performer points towards Yuki. Then, Yuki looks beside her again to see the orb that was just summoned, carrying her C.R.O.W once more. More laughter can be heard while she stubbornly turns back around, her cheek puffed out and her face hiding within her coat. The scene skips forward a bit, with the two talking amongst themselves, still in the lobby, but out of the way of everyone else. The performer plays with one of his orbs, tossing it up and down as he talks. Yuki is leaning against a wall, listening and watching him.)

Performer: So, what’s your area of expertise, Little Miss?

(The performer grabs the orb, and spins it on his finger.)

Performer: I, personally, specialize in some practical effects and stage shows.

(Yuki sighs, and seems a bit confused.)

Yuki: Well… I’m not exactly an “entertainer”... or whatever you call yourself. I’m here to learn more about a Request I took up earlier today.

(The performer whistles, impressed.)

Performer: Oooh~, I see. Well, I guess that makes more sense. You look like you’ve got some serious anxiety there, can’t really picture you up on the big stage, ya’ know?

(Yuki’s eye twitches, as she sighs.)

Yuki: Whatever. Listen, while I have you, do you think you can help me out?

(The performer chuckles a bit.)

Performer: What, little miss Student can’t find her way around the city or something?

(Yuki gets off the wall, and slugs the performer in the arm, viciously and without remorse. He yelps, and rubs his arm in pain. The orb pops at the same time.)

Performer: Ow! Ow ow! Jeez, alright, I get it.

(The Performer slips in an insult under his breath.)

Performer: Little “She-Devil” fits her more than Little Miss…

(Yuki stares at him, annoyed.)

Yuki: What was that!?

(The performer sighs, and indulges her.)

Performer: Don’t worry about that. Now, what is it you need, Little Miss?

(Yuki makes sure her C.R.O.W is in her pocket, while the Performer snickers. She pulls it out, and shows him a picture of a new individual. On her screen, it shows the summary of the Request, and an image of the Request Maker. The Request reads: “Escort Needed! Help bring my client to their destination safely. High value client = High payout!”  The image shows a man. That man is Taimie Triark. The performer shudders at the sight of Triark. Yuki notices this, and raises an eyebrow.)

Yuki: What’s wrong? Do you know him?

(The performer places his hand onto Yuki’s C.R.O.W., and slowly attempts to lower it.)

Performer: Um… Little Miss? Maybe you should consider a different Request.

(Yuki is getting frustrated.)

Yuki: Would you stop underestimating me already? Or do I need to deck you a second time!?

(The performer takes a step back. The others in the lobby can see things have clearly flipped in their arguing, and are laughing at the performer. He turns, and seems extremely frustrated with their reaction.)

Performer: God damn it all…

(The performer takes a deep breath, before finally giving Yuki some answers. He bends down a bit, and tries to whisper to her. Yuki kind of jerks back a bit, annoyed with him.)

Performer: Listen Little Miss, that there is Taimie Triark. That man’s responsible for some of the most successful pop stars in the industry. Whoever he’s asking you to escort, their poparatzi is going to tear you to shreds.

Yuki: Listen, I’ve been through a pretty shaky escort mission once already. I’m sure whatever this paparazzi’s like, I can handle it.

(The performer sighs.)

Performer: Listen here kid, I’m telling you it’s a “no-go”! Trust me, Triark’s my boss, and I know him well enough to know that he’d laugh at the sight of ya! Now, how’s about I help you find a more suitable Re-

(A devilish smirk crosses Yuki’s face.)

Yuki: Ooooh~ So Mr. Triark just so happens to be your boss, huh?

(The performer shudders as Yuki grabs his arm with an iron grip.)

Performer: Whoa- Whoa whoa hold on!!! I’m too young to die!

Yuki: If you don’t want me to continue to embarrass you in front of all these people, you're going to take me straight to your boss. Got it~?

(Yuki tightens her grip, and the performer begins to struggle and yelp in pain.)

Performer: Alright, alright, just let go already, you psychopath!!!

Korace: < . . . It’s amazing to me how much you get away with. >

(The performer takes a second to breathe and rub his arm as Yuki waits for him to lead the way. He looks as though he’s about to lead Yuki to Triark, but notices someone else in the lobby. Now an equally, if not even more, devilish grin spreads across his face. Yuki notices.)

Yuki: Get any smart ideas, and I’ll kill you.

(The performer regains his cool.)

Performer: Oh, no need for that. I think I just found you someone better than myself to take you right up to the Boss’s office.

(The performer leads Yuki towards the reception desk. There, about to head off towards a stairwell, is a girl around Yuki’s age. She has a strange device on her head, and several folders in hand. The performer whistles to her.)

Performer: Oooh Mellow~? I have a job for you!

(The girl, now revealed to be a flustered Mellow, turns to see where the voice is coming from. Before she can even process what’s happening, the performer shoves Yuki into her, sets up a few orbs, and creates a flashbang in the lobby. Yuki and Mellow, who had roughly crashed into one another, scramble to their feet. Mellow’s folders and papers are scattered all over the floor. Yuki grits her teeth, regaining her vision quick enough to see the performer dashing out the front door.)

Yuki: You jerk, get back here!!!

Performer: She’s all yours, Mellow! She’s a real keeper!

(Then, just like that, the performer is gone. Yuki stands there for a moment, angry and confused. Then, she attempts to think deeply about something.)

Yuki: Maybe It was something I said?

Korace < . . . Yes. It was something you said. >

(Yuki looks over to the new girl, Mellow. She’s now on the ground again, scrambling for the papers she dropped. Yuki seems upset with herself now, bending down to join her.)

Yuki: O- Oh… I’m sorry. Here, let me help you…

(The girl turns to Yuki, revealing her strange helmet. An LED screen displays a sad face “ :,< ” . Yuki seems a bit surprised, but smiles back, and begins to pick up some of the scattered papers. The scene then moves forward a bit, with the two now standing again, with Mellow’s belongings cleaned up. Yuki is showing Mellow her C.R.O.W, explaining the situation.)

Yuki: So… I guess that weird flashy guy wanted you to bring me up to this Triark guy.

(Mellow stares at the picture and Request for a moment, before flashing Yuki a confident thumbs up and happy face “;3” . Yuki takes a moment to think to herself, before following Mellow as she leads the way. After a few shots of the two walking up the stairs and through the building, the next scene has the two outside of Triark’s office. Yuki notices several records displayed along the hall’s walls, and eventually comes across a poster displaying “Ray of Life”. The lead singer, Sky, is displayed front in center. Mellow can be seen in the background, DJing and setting off flashing lights. Yuki notices Mellow, and then looks over at her guide. Mellow turns to Yuki, when she notices she isn’t following anymore.)

Yuki: Hey… is that you?

(Mellow back over, and notices the poster as well. She then begins to blush on the LED, and pulls Yuki away from the poster. Yuki, confused, chuckles a bit.)

Yuki: Fair enough. I think I’d react the same way.

(The two finally arrive in front of Triark’s office. Mellow knocks politely, and then enters the room. Yuki follows. As soon as she enters, the atmosphere of the room is clear. Another girl, a bit older than the others, slams her hand down onto a fancy desk at the front of the very expensive and modern looking office. The office has the main desk at the end of it, with several records lining the walls. The middle of the office has a small table, surrounded by small couch-like seats. The girl is revealed to be Sky, the same one who was on the poster of Ray of Life. In this scene, she is in her casual, disguised attire. Her hand is slammed down onto a small envelope. Her face is deadset, and it’s clear that whatever she’s talking about, she is unwavering in her resolve.)

Sky: I will not accept it.

(A somewhat panicked Triark is seen attempting to raise her hand from the opposite end of the table, but to no avail.)


Triark: Damn it, Sky! If you don’t take this check, the company can get into some serious legal trouble! Stop being so stubborn about it! A- And where the hell did you get this strength from!?

Sky: I said I don’t want it. Give it to Mell or something.

(Triark grumbles, and let's go of Sky. He places his arms on his sides, and continues to complain. The two of them seem to not notice Yuki and Mellow, who appear to be a bit stunned. Mellow is displaying a “ T-T; ” face.)

Triark: Listen, any other day of the week, I’d more than happily keep this check for yah’. But you need to understand, If the industry is able to figure out we haven’t paid you in the last few years, then it’s over! Think of all the “Worker’s Comp” we’d owe you!

(Sky seems to begin considering his argument.)

Sky: . . .

Triark: Listen, I don’t care what you do with it, just take it for now so that we have it on record, and go give it to somebody else! See? It’s a win - win!

(Triark lets out an exhausted breath, and then finally notices their visitors. Sky is placing the envelope into her pocket as Triark addresses Yuki and Mellow.)

Triark: Oh- Well, if it isn’t dear ol’ Mell! And… Well now hold on, who’s this?

(Mellow grabs Yuki’s sleeve, motioning to her that it’s alright to walk in. Triark stands proud and tall, as Sky takes a seat by the small table, frustrated. Yuki and Mellow don’t sit, but make their way by the table. Yuki bows politely, addressing Triark.)

Yuki: H- Hello sir. My name is Yuki Ve- Er… V. I take it that you’re Taimie Triark?

(She seems to have realised something right before stating her last name, and attempted to correct herself. Triark’s laugh is more akin to a loud booming roar.)

Triark: Haha! The one and only! So, Ms. V, I take it you're the one who took up the Escort Request?

(Yuki raises from her bow, still recovering from her near slip up.)

Yuki: Y- Yeah.

(Triark looks Yuki up and down, and laughs even more. Sky also takes a moment to look at Yuki, smiling to herself as she seems to have her own opinion of her. Yuki seems a bit displeased, a small Performer in her head restating “He’ll laugh at you!” appears in the panel.)

Triark: Well, I guess I shouldn’t be judging a book by it’s cover. Come here, Ms. V.

(He goes to sit at his desk, motioning Yuki to stand in front of it. As Yuki goes to do that, Mellow joins Sky on the couch, the two greeting one another happily. Yuki gulps, as Triark folds his hands, and sits tall and proud behind his almost too expensive desk.)

Triark: I tried not to give too many details in the Request, superfans tend to pick up on that sort of thing if you're not too careful. So, I’m sure you have already figured it out, but I’ll be having you escort the lovely ladies over there. They have a concert tonight, and their train leaves in a few hours.

(Yuki looks back to Mellow and Sky. Mellow waves politely, and Sky shoots her a soft smile. Yuki looks back at Triark.)

Yuki: I take it those are the same girls out on that “Ray of”... Um… “Light”, or whatnot, poster?

(There is a moment of silence in the office. Mellow and Sky look at Yuki, blankly, and then at one another, clearly confused. Triark’s jaw is hung open, in shock.)

Triark: . . .E- Excuse me? You DO know who these ladies are, right?

(Yuki shakes her head “No.” She seems a bit uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as Triark is about to become. He slams his head and fist into his desk, and a stream of tears begins to flood out of his manley face. Sky and Mellow begin to laugh in the background. Yuki is beyond flustered, as if she’s wondering what she did wrong.)

Triark: D- Damn it! What the hell am I doing wrong!? How many damn billboards am I going to have to have PR put up out there for the city to get it already!?

Yuki: U- Um… I’m sorry. I- I’m not from around here, if that helps.

(Triark raises his head, still keeping it hung low.)

Triark: My job as their Producer is to make sure this city… no, the whole goddamn world, knows of the name “Ray of Life”!!! If I can’t do that, then I’m just a failure!

(Triark shifts himself back into a normal posture, trying to hide his tears.)

Triark: No matter. One day, but I guess not today!

Yuki: < . . . Is he going to be ok? >

(Triark smiles again, placing his hands slammed down onto the desk.)

Triark: Anyways, I’m glad you're here a bit early. It gives us more time to find a replacement!

(Yuki blinks, and then seems confused.)

Yuki: E- Excuse me, a- ?

(Triark digs for something in his pocket now, as he cuts her off with his own train of thought.)

Triark: Well, I guess that's a bit rude of me. What I mean is, when you inevitably fail this test, we can scout out another Student who’s more capable of this job. No offense, that’s just how business works kid!

(Yuki’s eye twitches, as Sky waves to try and calm her down.)

Sky: Don’t mind Taimie. What he’s saying is, once you fail the test, we’ll have more time than usual to find a replacement. Really, it’s a big help!

(Mellow waves around frantically, upset with the both of them.)

Yuki: I won’t fail any kind of test. Any Request that mentions a high pay rate is my area of expertise.

(Sky takes notice of that last bit from Yuki, and seems a bit upset. Triark chuckles, finally revealing what he was fishing his pockets for.)

Triark: Well, let’s put your Talent where your mouth is.

(Triark holds a colorful Gachapon ball in front of himself, over the desk. Yuki takes a step back, bracing herself. Then, the ball cracks open. An almost full page panel follows, after a bright flash of light. On the desk, making a mess of the papers and trinkets that were just there, is a stange, toy-like, mecha Triark. The mecha Triark is crouching down, to be closer to Yuki’s level, and It has it’s head tilted a bit to the side, staring Yuki directly in the face. Right behind it, in the background of that same page, Triark smirks. At the bottom of this panel, the time reads 4:23:00.)

Triark: Here’s your test, Ms. V. If either I or my friend here touch either Sky or Mellow, you lose. You have 15 minutes.

(Yuki seems flustered, rushing to unsheath Korace. A close up is shown of Triark’s grinning face.)

Triark: Begin!

(The chapter begins to close, but right before that, the time reappears. It still shows 4:23:00, but then glitches, and shifts back to 210:10:00. Suddenly, the scene is in a dark, musty sewer tunnel. Plenty of graffiti and trash is scattered along the tunnel walls. A figure is seen walking along the side of the sewer. They arrive at a smaller tunnel entrance, bend down, and make their way to a strange, metal door. Suddenly, from the opposite end of the door, a large rose root blasts through, creating a large opening where the door used to be. From the outside, a smug Feilio emerges through it. He makes his way to the center of a dark, musty room. A single, swinging light shines down on him, as he stares into the darkness ahead of him. As his eyes adjust, he notices several eyes staring back at him. All of them appear to belong to catmen. A single other figure emerges from the darkness, and reveals himself for the first time in the manga. A very unpleasant looking Tai is shown, his steel pole in hand.)

Tai: You’ve better have a good reason to arrive here, unannounced and unwelcomed, Business Bastard.

(Tai looks behind him at the eyes staring back, for a moment.)

Tai: There’s children here. You better watch your manners. Another incident like our “door” just now, and I’ll make you deeply regret it.

(Feilio snickers to himself, patting himself to remove some debris from busting down the door.)


Feilio: Oh, pardon the intrusion. And Especially the door, oh, please pardon the door!

(Feilio, for one of the first times, grows extremely serious and angry with his next line.)

Feilio: I seem to be carrying a bit of… “Pent up” rage with me.

(Tai grips his pole.)

Tai: Make it quick, freak.

(Feilio laughs a bit at the insult.)

Feilio: Hold the insults, you damn feral hairball. Trust me, you’ll want to hear this~.

(Feilio smirks widely and proudly, as he pulls out his C.R.O.W. In the holographic image on the screen, the evil scientist, who has remained unnamed, is speaking to someone on another C.R.O.W., Looking back at Tai.)

Scientist: Yes. This is why I’d like to push the meeting a bit AHEAD OF SCHEDULE.

(Tai’s eyes grow, both in shock and anger.)

Scientist: Thank you, Mr. Regold. Alright, so you’ll be taking the Freeway tomorrow? Good to know!

(The scientist winks, and ends the holographic call. Tai’s eyes are now hidden from the reader, with Feilio chuckling uncontrollably to himself.)

Feilio: Pfft~! Sorry, it’s a bit hard to contain how excited I am!
(Feilio sleekly drops the C.R.O.W back into his pocket, and turns to exit.)

Feilio: That is all, Catmen. Enjoy my gift~!

(Feilio is almost out of the room, before Tai bursts out in rage.)

Tai: WE DON’T OWE YOU A DAMN THING, DEVIL…

(Feilio looks back at Tai and the reader.)

Feilio: I am not asking for much in return. Just go out there and MAKE SOME NOISE!

END


(As always, thanks to everyone who's been providing feedback! Coryn, NO1SY, Yall are the best!)

Offline Coryn

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Re: Dragon Universe [Reworked]
« Reply #38 on: November 28, 2020, 09:31:48 AM »
Well, I may have taken some time off (thanks life!  :glare:) but I'm finally back on my bull*censored*! Time to finally put out the (twice lost) chapter 3 review!


1. The school system in the universe continues to confuse me with the mention of some sort of primary school. Do these kids just get a subpar education then immediately start fighting? I in now that's the anime way, but it doesn't make for well rounded adults.

2. Speaking from experience, I may not have been in the best shape as a teenager, but an hour break after hiking all day isn't going to do you any good. Especially if it's getting dark already. Hiking in the dark is crazy dangerous, even if you know where you're headed.

3. Bryan may be an idiot, but it still feels too early to try pushing a found family narrative. Good found families should actually overcome something together before that card can be played. You could keep the lines similar, but I'd reframe it to be more about having any friends as well. Which to me would be the next obvious question.

4. You don't need to capitalize "katana".

5. Again, I know Bryan is something of an idiot, but if they're really that far into the boonies, he probably should have realized that other people don't use CROWs already.

6. If Yuki is supposed to be well mannered (or at least the most well mannered out of this lot), it should probably be "Hitachi and I" not "me and Hitachi"

7. Since you've already written it as "C.R.O.W." half a dozen times, you could just note that Hitachi examined the device before asking about its name. On the same hand, if this were in manga form and the audience could see that it's an abbreviation. In either case, we don't need Hitachi to spell out (figuratively) why he thinks it's an abbreviation. It's clear to us, so it should be clear to Hitachi.

8. Since I'm assuming this thing just looks like a smartphone, I would think Yuki would be well within range for everyone to notice her if she's getting this much detail about who is on the other end. Plus you can build up the tension more if we don't get a clue about who Bryan is talking to.

9. Instead of a "half-assed" smile, which reads more like a genuine but exhausted smile, may I suggest "painfully forced". For reference, check out the Wednesday smile in Addams Family Values.

10. "Had", not "head". Also, didn't we just establish they couldn't find a job out here? How do they suddenly have a "target"?

11. The hell did these yahoos get a table from? Are there picnic areas in this wood? Also, why are they just lounging if they know they've been spotted already (and presumably could have been followed). Just seems like a missed opportunity to lay an ambush.

12. Did they have all this camping equipment the first time?

13. If you're going to colloquialize a word, make sure to insert an apostrophe in place of the sound you've removed so "around" becomes " 'round", not "round"

14. The idea that the goons came out here without enough food or money to survive just speaks to the fact that at least one of them should know how to hunt or something. These guys are officially reccuring, so some characterization should be happening to help us keep them apart in our heads.

15. "Damn, makes me sick how happy these people are." Just going for full on cartoonishly evil then? This is too much angst for full grown adults.

16. With Bryan being serious and the others being goofy, this scene has not consistent feel to it. The needle should stay in one column or the other. A single earnest joke see tops dramatic tension in its tracks.

17. Something got censored right at the end there, and from context I have no idea what word it could have been. I'd check that line out again, and remember that a well placed asterisk will defeat MR's autocensor (sh*t, for instance).



Good job on chapter 3! My apologies in the delay of getting this review up! Chapter 4 should come much sooner!

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF