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Author Topic: Dragon Universe [Reworked]  (Read 5636 times)

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Offline Coryn

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Re: Dragon Universe [Reworked]
« Reply #30 on: September 15, 2020, 11:41:53 PM »
Whelp! I've put off getting into reading this for too long and now it's going to be a task and a half! Good job me... Anywho, let's get rolling!


Chapter 1 Comments:

1. The crayon art style is a cool concept for the beginning flashback, but it sure seems like this mysterious figure is getting more details thrown at them than a child's crayon drawing could reasonably convey clearly. Even if a professional artist can show such details, you have to ask if a child could. Otherwise what's the point of doing it in crayon?

2. What's this mansion look like exactly? Give us architectural stylings, time period, etc. A mansion in the woods conveys different appearances to different people, I can tell you that from personal experience (long story short: college). Paint the picture!

3. Pretty ambitious sword training to go from splitting a log with a wooden sword from 5 to 4 strokes overnight (or at all, for that matter). If Yuki could do that, it seems like the note about her "uncharacteristically" fighting later on doesn't seem to gell with this earlier information.

4. Are cloaks the uniform for random bandits in this universe? Again, paint the setting. If it's at all "modern", cloaks seem like an odd choice.

5. That's a terrible joke Thug 2...

6. So did these yahoos have any idea they would find a mansion out in the woods, or are they for real just wandering aimlessly? If it's the latter, I am already questioning their validity as a threat.

7. If you're going to be an amoral thug, might as well go all the way and trap the girl from the start. It's a big mansion, she's clearly possessed of some importance. Even if it doesn't work out, you'd think your first thought as "thug" would be to take a hostage and see where that gets you. They seem like the type to do it since they have apparently no impulse control or patience. I mean they just walk right up through the front door. They don't even take the time to scope the place out.

8. This flashback with Bryan really doesn't serve a purpose as written. From the dialogue and context clues, we are already learning everything we see in the flashback without having to resort to a flashback. Save your artist and readers the trouble I say and just get on with it.

9. Hitachi sure betrays these dudes he's hanging out with immediately. I mean he was even coordinating his fashion with them, so you'd think they'd have a closer bond. You know how it's generally a bad idea to trust someone who already betrayed someone else right? Even if it was in favor to you, it sets a sketchy precedent.

10. Bryan is oblivious to the mood in the room. This is clearly no time to be declaring one's ambitions...

11. This goes back to my previous point, but Yuki and Bryan am sure are quick to trust a guy who only minutes earlier was their defacto enemy. What does this guy even want?

12. Finally, by the time we're at the end of chapter 1, I have no idea how old any of these characters are supposed to be. Bryan seems young if he's talking about getting in to a school, but the way he talks to Yuki makes him sound much older than her. You can't rely on art filling this void either, because as it is often remarked on with anime/manga, how old a character looks and how old they're supposed to be don't always line up (or even get in the same room in some cases).


Overall I thought it was a good start, and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter! Keep writing!

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline PichuDX

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Re: Dragon Universe [Reworked]
« Reply #31 on: September 17, 2020, 10:50:59 PM »
[Reply to Coryn]

Well, I came back here to bless the site with some more DU, and had a mini heart attack when I saw Coryn was the most recent post. Thankfully, It's not a ban or anything :D

Haha, all joking aside, I'm super excited you decided to pick up the story my man! I, of course, appreciate the feedback!
In fact, you're one of the first to provide a sort of "Critical" lens to it (Aside from a good MR pal o'mine ^-^), at least to this extent, so I welcome the challenge >:)
I'll admit, there's a ton of problems with this opening chapter. A lot of detail is lacking while the plot moves forward. Especially with regards to the mansion, even my artists and I struggled when it came to putting it on paper T.T;

That being said, I hope these blemishes don't hinder your enjoyment of the story! It's one hell of a ride, and I mean that as both a story and a learning experience for myself as a writer! I really hope you keep it up with these kinds of detailed comments! This is the kind of stuff that helps me to strengthen the later chapters a ton!

. . . That being said . . . I really should establish their ages in the manga and not just their design bios  . . . How in the heck did I overlook that!? >->;

(Anyone else who may be reading along with the chapters, feel free to post comments like Coryn! Seriously, I live for this kind of stuff ^-^)
« Last Edit: September 17, 2020, 11:04:44 PM by PichuDX »

Offline PichuDX

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Re: Dragon Universe [Reworked]
« Reply #32 on: September 17, 2020, 10:59:24 PM »
[ Vol 3 Start + Chapter 25 Post ]

Wooo! The break wasn't as long as last time! Here's the start of volume 3, I hope you're ready for a COUNTDOWN! This may be the most action packed and tense volume yet, so I hope you stick around for the good stuff!

Chapter 25 - A Calm Before -
Spoiler

Chapter 25 - A Calm Before -

(The chapter opens on a digital clock, on a completely black background. It reads 240:00:00.
The scene picks up with Yuki and Hitachi, still in Yuki’s room. Yuki is sitting on her bedside, while Hitachi is eyeing Korace, taking in the information that Yuki had just finished relaying to him.)

Yuki: . . . So, yeah. That’s the gist of it. Whether you believe me or not is-

(Hitachi picks Korace up, and swings it around in front of himself haphazardly [Korace is still sheathed.] Yuki seems shocked by his action, as Hitachi makes a comment.)

Hitachi: This thing said it will talk to whomever it “deems worthy”, right?

Yuki: Woah, Hitachi what are you-!?

(Suddenly, Korace outbursts in a fit of rage.)

Korace: < WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, CHILD!? WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO-!?>

(Hitachi smirks, and places Korace gently along the wall again. Yuki seems speechless, if not a little confused.)

Hitachi: Well now, I guess I am “worthy” afterall.

Korace: <H-Huh…? . . . Tch.>

(Yuki, dumbfounded, lets out a sigh of relief. Hitachi directs his attention over to Yuki now.)

Hitachi: Well, now that I know the thing actually talks, I think I have a pretty clear idea on how a few loose ends tie together.

Yuki: What? “Loose ends”?

(Hitachi shrugs to himself, as several scenes from the past [Specifically when they were tracking down the original thugs, and Yuki had been following Korace’s instructions to help track them down. There was a moment where Hitachi noticed something seemed off] is shown behind him, in the back of his mind.)

Hitachi: Don’t worry about that, it’s not really that important. Anywho…

(Hitachi pulls out his C.R.O.W, and messes around with it.)

Yuki: What are you-?

(Hitachi casually responds, without looking up at Yuki.)

Hitachi: Letting Bryan know about your friend “Korace” over here.

(Yuki seems quite disturbed, and stands up in protest.)

Yuki: Wait, Hitachi! Stop, don’t tell him anything!!!

(Hitachi raises an eyebrow, but continues to tap away. Yuki rushes over, and begins to wrestle with him, stopping him from sending the message.)

Hitachi: Whoa- calm down! Yuki, this isn’t the kind of thing that you should be keeping from your teammates!

Yuki: I- I get that! But hear me out, I don’t want that knucklehead in on it!

(Hitachi breaks free, and steps back. His C.R.O.W is now by his side, he’s decided to hear Yuki out.)

Hitachi: . . . And the reason being?

Yuki: Listen, as much as I agree that the talking sword thing is pretty important information, I don’t want to tell Bryan.

(Yuki looks over at Korace.)

Yuki: Korace had asked me awhile back to keep that fact a secret… I only told you because you kind of forced it out of me… Plus I can trust you.

(A visual of a chibi, laughing Bryan is shown to appear in both HItachi and Yuki’s head’s, as Yuki explains this next bit.)

Yuki: Bryan would go wild if he found out about this. That Loudmouth would go around the entire city and told everyone he met on the street!

Hitachi: . . . Yeah, I can see that happening.

(Hitachi sighs, and puts his C.R.O.W away.)

Hitachi: Fine. You win. But I want to ask “Korace” over there why they want to keep it a-
(A click is heard from Hitachi’s pocket. A moment of still silence is had in the room, before a bead of sweat appears on Hitachi’s forehead. Yuki seems unfazed, for a moment.)

Yuki: . . . Hitachi? What was that?

(Hitachi slowly pulls the C.R.O.W back out, and looks down at it’s screen. His worst nightmares are realized.)

Hitachi: U-Um… “Nothing”?

(Yuki, still unfazed, takes a step towards Hitachi. Before Hitachi can back up, Yuki looks down at the C.R.O.W as well, and sees that a message was just recently sent to Bryan. She looks up at Hitachi. For a brief moment, she smiles sweetly. Then, the next, she is strangling him with killer intent [In a comedic fashion, of course.])

Yuki: HITACHI, WHAT THE HELL!? ARE YOU INSANE!?


Hitachi: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, I SWEAR!!!

(Suddenly, a knocking is heard at the door. Yuki and Hitachi panic for a moment, as Yuki stops strangling Hitachi. From the other side, Lillian swings back and forth, waiting for a response. She seems to be in a pleasant mood. Yuki clears her throat, a bit nervous of who might be behind the door.)

Yuki: Y- Yes?

(Hitachi grasps at his neck, and catches his breath in the background. The two wait a moment. Then, they both seem mortified when they hear the reply.)

Lillian: Hey~! Yuki, are you doing alright in there? I heard a bit of a commotion, I was just stopping by to remind you to meet us down the hall in a bit.

(She is completely oblivious to the situation beyond the door. Yuki turns over to Hitachi, and before Hitachi can get a word out, she covers his mouth, and moves him to a corner of the room that isn’t visible from the doorway. She gives him a signal. She pretty much tells him if he speaks, she’ll slit his throat. Her dead serious expression clues Hitachi in, and he nods, terrified for his own life. Yuki then makes her way over to the door, and answers as casually as she can.)

Yuki: H-Hey! Um, yeah, I’ll get Hitachi and we’ll be right down.

(Lillian waves, and then suddenly attempts to enter the room. Yuki is caught completely off guard, as Lillian casually weaves her way past her.)

Lillian: I heard you used my dress last night! Haha, I’m sure it looked cute on you! Come on, you’ve just got to show me!

(Yuki has the look of complete and utter defeat on her face as she sees Lillian notice Hitachi. Yuki drags her feet over to the two, and notices Hitachi has reacted the same way. There is a moment of silence, as if Lillian is trying to piece something together. Then she turns to Yuki.)

Lillian: Where is it?

Yuki: . . . Huh?

Lillian: The dress? We don’t got all day, silly!

(Yuki now just seems confused. Her eye twitches, and then she looks to Hitachi. Again, he seems to be taking the situation in the same way. The two then turn to Lillian. Lillian, oblivious to the obvious implications, seems innocently confused.)

Lillian: . . . ? What, did I say something odd again?

(Yuki shakes her head, and grabs Hitachi by the sleeve. She drags him out of the room, and has a brief moment with him before returning to Lillian.)

Yuki: L- Listen. Just find a way to delete that message!

(Before Hitachi can come up with a rebuttal, she slams the door on him. Hitachi seems at a loss for words, before pulling his C.R.O.W back out. He looks down at the device, as a bead of sweat appears on his forehead once more.)

Hitachi: “Delete”… ? um… How?

(Yuki returns to Lillian once more. Lillian is sitting on the bed, still a bit confused.)

Lillian: Why’d you kick Hitachi out?

(Yuki blushes, and shakes her head again.)

Yuki: Nevermind that, you said you wanted to see the dress, right?

(The two talk amongst themselves a bit, as Yuki grabs the dress out of a drawer. The scene fades to black once more. The digital clock reappears, displaying as 238:00:00. Then, the scene switches back to Hitachi and Yuki, walking throughout the halls of the Fukagawa Building. Yuki doesn’t have Korace with her, and Hitachi is also unarmed. Yuki eyes Hitachi as they walk, making Hitachi shiver.)
Yuki: So. Did you do it?

Hitachi: . . . Do what?

Yuki: The message. Did you delete it?

(Hitachi remains silent for a few moments, and then turns his head in the opposite direction to respond.)

Hitachi: Of course.

Yuki: Don’t lie to me, you jerk!

(The two walk a bit further ahead, and reach the meeting room from before, where they had been debriefed on the Chain escort mission. Hitachi takes a deep breath, and then casually enters the room, with Yuki cautiously following behind. In the room, Fukagawa, Lillian, and Taro are seated. Bryan is also present, leaning against the wall closest to the door. They seemed to have been waiting for the other two.)

Fukagawa: It’s about time, you two. I was considering just scrapping the idea entirely. We are a very busy team ourselves, you know…

(Lillian flicks Fukagawa on the arm, making a pouty face. Fukagawa ignores this, and motions to a few empty seats across the meeting table. Bryan waves at his teammates. Both Yuki and Hitachi are put on edge, still believing that Bryan had accidentally found out about Korace. Yuki and Hitachi pretend to not be fazed, and sit next to Bryan at the table. Bryan is seated in between the two, while the two cautiously eye one another, still uneasy and confused. Bryan doesn’t seem to notice the tension building up, completely oblivious to the situation.)

Bryan: You guys feeling any better? I'm still a bit sore myself, but I’m down for some more Requests!

(Yuki and Hitachi look at one another, confused. Yuki, nervously, asks Bryan about the message.)

Yuki: Bryan… Did you get any kind of message from Hitachi earlier?

(Bryan seems a bit confused, but then remembers what she’s talking about. He reaches into his pocket, and begins to pull out his C.R.O.W.)

Bryan: Oh, you mean this-

(Yuki rushes over to him, frantically attempting to snatch it from him.)

Yuki: DON’T LISTEN TO IT, IT WAS ALL A JOKE! JUST A SILLY LITTLE JOKE! YOU SHOULD JUST PRETEND YOU NEVER SAW A THING!

(Bryan simply holds Yuki back, a bit confused.)

Bryan: Well… I mean it looked more like an accident than a joke.

(Yuki stops flailing around. She’s now the confused one.)


Yuki: . . . what do you mean by “accident”?

(Bryan pulls up the message, and reveals to Yuki, Hitachi, and the reader, that the message that Hitachi sent was just a bunch of scrambled and jumbled letters and numbers, as if someone had swiped their hands over the keyboard several times.)

Bryan: Did he try to send an actual message earlier? I just kind of figured he didn’t know how to use the C.R.O.W…

(Yuki and Hitachi both think for a moment, and then remember when Yuki had attempted to rip the C.R.O.W out of Hitachi’s hands. A lightbulb goes off for both of them, and a sigh of relief escapes Yuki, but a much more powerful sigh comes from Hitachi, as if he had put his life on the line. During all of this, Team Fukagawa watches in the background. Fukagawa clears his throat.)

Fukagawa: . . . Are you finished?

(Yuki pats Bryan on the shoulder, and gives him the same smile she gave Hitachi, moments before strangling him.)

Yuki: Bryan. Don’t worry about that message. It wasn’t important.

Bryan: . . . But-

(Her grip suddenly tightens, tenfold.)

Yuki: Don’t. Worry. About. It.

(Bryan lets out a slight yelp. The scene then moves forward a bit, the three are now paying attention to Fukagawa.)

Fukagawa: So, what are you guys looking to do, in terms of Requests?

Hitachi: I- I’d like to refrain from anymore “Life or Death” scenarios, at least for a little while…

(Bryan seems disappointed, as Yuki adds her own comments.)

Yuki: Yeah, I second that. There are other types of Requests we can take around the city that don’t involve dangerous work, right Reihei?

(Fukagawa nods. Taro pulls out his own C.R.O.W, and places it on the table. It enters a holographic state. There is a list of jobs to the right of the floating display, and a map of the city to the left. The city seems to take up most of the display, with little points of interest dotted all about. There is also a point of interest on the Fukagawa Building, indicating their location.)

Taro: Getting a Request here is much easier than getting one back in the forest. Taoru City is always cycling through Requests, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

(Lillian chimes in.)

Lillian: That’s city life for ya! There’s always something to do!

Fukagawa: Luckily for you three, the type of Requests you’ve been taking so far are extremely rare cases. If I am to understand correctly, you’ve taken two so far, right? There was that Urgent Request from that father and sickly daughter back in the forest, and then the Joint-Investigation and Escort Request from Jess.

(Bryan hops in for a moment.)

Bryan: Technically, we’ve taken three! The first one we took was capturing a small band of thugs, it’s what led us to meet you guys in Kuro Village!

(Fukagawa readjusts his glasses.)

Fukagawa: I see.

(Fukagawa swipes on Taro’s C.R.O.W from his seat, and the hologram begins to cycle through Requests.)

Fukagawa: It’s not uncommon for a Rookie Party, or even a full fledged Party like us, to specialize in one area of expertise. There’s Requests for pretty much anything out there, you just gotta find what you're good at.

(Lillian cheerfully begins to add her own insight.)

Lillian: Team Fukagawa specializes in Investigations and Detaining Criminals, the dangerous stuff. Kind of like what you’ve been through the last few days.

Yuki: I’m assuming the payout for those kinds of jobs are much better than the usual, no?

Bryan: Not Necessarily...

Fukagawa: It depends heavily on the client. For example, the Escort Request you three undertook, while a bit messy, was still technically successful. That one was a Request from the University itself, so it’s pay will be substantially better than most.

(Yuki looks down at her own C.R.O.W, still not really sure how to properly make use of it.)

Yuki: How do you check how much you’ve made on a Request?

Fukagawa: That’s easy. It’s added directly to your Student Account as soon as the University clears the Request. This, by the way, goes for Private Requests as well.

(An image of a cycle is shown to the reader. The first step in the cycle is an individual putting credit into their C.R.O.W, and sending it off to the University. Then, the next step shows the University sending the credit to the Students. The final Step shows the Student and the Request giver giving one another a thumbs up, before looping back around.)

Fukagawa: The University uses its own micro economy. The Request Giver places their real world earnings into their University Account, they then send it the University’s way. Obviously, if the University is the Giver, then that first step is skipped entirely. Then, the University sends the credit over to the Students, upon completion of course.

(Taro leans back in his chair.)

Taro: Rinse and repeat. Pretty simple way to earn a living.

(Hitachi looks over at Bryan, but directs his speech towards Fukagawa.)

Hitachi: We pretty much got the gist from this airhead, but that does clear some specifics up.

Fukagawa: Now then, what is it you guys are looking to do around the city?

(There is a moment of silence. The three look at one another, without really being sure of what they want. It takes a moment, but Yuki breaks the silence.)

Yuki: Honestly, anything fast and easy, at least while we recover a bit.

(Bryan puffs out his cheek, as if he wanted something more challenging, and Hitachi nods in agreement.)

Fukagawa: Right. Then let’s see what’s around here…

(The Students look up at the hologram as the camera peels back, this last panel should be a wide shot of all six discussing things amongst themselves. The panel following this returns to the digital clock. It now reads 212:30:00. Several “loose” panels are scattered around the page. One shows Lillain walking around with Yuki in the city, enthusiastically showing her some kind of restaurant. Yuki seems a bit shy in the panel, tucked away in her coat. Another shows Hitachi lifting some of the rubble created during the Chain fight, with a couple of construction workers around doing similar things. Taro is also present, observing Hitachi as he works. Another shows Bryan bickering with Fukagawa, as Bryan touches evidence at a small crime scene at a small shop. A final panel is shown of Yuki and Hitachi looking at one another, nervously, as Bryan, oblivious to their concern, whistles on past. Eventually, the page reassembles itself, showing a new scene. It starts off with unplaced humming, and eventually leading to showing Rachel, in a rose-red room, drawing doodles on some loose papers on the floor. A few feet from her, there are three figures, gathered around a small, elegant table. The first to be detailed is Sither and Vince. Sither is unmasked, in her casual attire, stirring some kind of tea, pleasantly sitting at the table. Vince is much more solemn, holding his arms behind his back, and standing tall besides her. The third participant of this gathering is York. York seems a bit uncomfortable, sitting in a seat that’s a bit too extravagant for his tastes. He has taken his coat off, hung over the seat, revealing tattered, old clothes underneath. He watches as Sither silently and happily takes a sip from her cup. He then directs his attention to Vince, who simply raises his eyebrows in a strange way in response. York finally decides to speak up, clearing his throat.)

York: No offense… Grim Reaper. But I doubt you invited me to this chamber so that we could share a spot of tea.

(The room is shown in more detail now. It’s a fairly large room, with extravagant interior designs lining the walls. The furniture seems to be victorian, with hints of dark reds and velvet padding. Sither places her cup down onto the table, letting a simple chuckle escape before answering her new subordinate.)

Sither: Please, no need to be formal. We’re family, you can call me Sith. And by all means, I don’t see why this can’t simply be a “spot of tea.” Vince.

(Vince nods, and casually strolls over to York’s side. He pulls out from behind him, surprising York a bit, a pot of tea and a new cup. He pours a bit for York, before heading back to Sither’s side. Vince looks over at York, and let’s the pot he had just used drop out of his hands. York jerks forward a bit, as if he wanted to try to catch it, but the pot, suddenly, blinks out of existence. Shocked, York, while still leaning forward, looks up at Vince. Vince shrugs, and makes the pot appear again in his hand. York sits back up, a bit shaken. Sither continues to enjoy herself.)

Vince: Talents are strange things, New Blood. You can do pretty much anything you can imagine, with enough practice.

(Sither shoots Vince a slightly irritated glance, as if he had stolen her thunder.)

York: That was your Talent… right. It’s a strange thing to try and get used to…

(York looks down at himself, and flashes back to the point where he had attempted to shoot Feilio back during the Meeting.)

Sither: I figured you were still trying to piece things together.

(Sither gets up, and walks over to York. York, a bit nervous, waits to see what she does. Vince also moves back to York, on the opposite end of the table. Sither places her hand in front of herself, her palm facing the ceiling.)

Sither: Vince wasn’t wrong. A Talent is simply a materialization of one’s passion. Their “personality”, if you will.

(Suddenly, Sither’s soul starts to slip out from under her sleeves, and embody itself in her palm. York watches in awe, as the room starts to glow a light blue, due to the soul’s radiance. Rachel can also be seen gawking at the soul in the background.)

Sither: As long as one pours their heart and soul into something, no matter how impossible it may seem-

(Her soul starts to burn brighter, and it begins to raise up to the ceiling in a brilliant flame. York stares at the soul in awe.)

Sither: As long as your passion burns as bright as your soul, then anything is possible.

(Sither calls her soul back, and it recedes back into her sleeves. She looks down at York, with a motherly smile.)


Sither: During the meeting, your soul burnt a brilliant red.

(A flashback is shown from the meeting, but from Sither’s perspective. The scene shows the moment that York pulled the trigger on Feilio, but this time there is an almost obnoxiously large aura surrounding York’s chest. It wraps around his entire body.)

Sither: Despite never having used a Talent before in your entire life, your unrelenting rage for that scumbag ended up unlocking it, with relative ease at that.

(Sither chuckles a bit.)

Sither: Though, I doubt you intended to let Feilio live. It was mere coincidence that your Talent worked the way it did.

(York is now looking down at his tea. He closes his eyes, and takes a nice, long sip. Sither pauses for a moment, and then motions for Vince.)

Sither: Vince. I have other matters to attend to. Would you mind taking young York here to your “Room”?

(Vince seems a bit surprised, but casually chuckles at the thought.)

Vince: Ah, you want to put him to work as soon as possible, I take it?

(Sither pats York on the back, and begins to make her way for the door. Rachel gets up, and begins to follow her, continuing to hum.)

Sither: York, consider today your “proper” induction into the family. I hope to see great things from you in the future.

(York gets up, and watches Sither and her child leave the room. York and Vince are left in the room together, in silence. York looks over at Vince, expecting him to give some kind of direction or order. Vince walks a few steps back, and simply begins to sit criss cross, on the floor. York is understandably confused.)

York: . . . So what is this “Room” all about?

(Vince lifts his head to reply to York, but his eyes seem different. He has a malicious, almost sadistic look to them.)

Vince: Why are you asking me? Look around. Can’t you tell?

(York’s heart then stops, as he suddenly realizes what has happened, in the mere blink of an eye. All around him, weapons lay bare, lodged and thrown haphazardly along a metallic, grey floor. There is no longer a visible ceiling. There is no longer any visible end to the vast, strange room that the two had now found themselves in. York jolts around, trying to find an answer that isn't there. Any kind of weapon imaginable is present, piled on top of one another in some cases. York finally snaps back into reality, as he hears Vince snicker. The scene ends on a close up of an eerily excited, yet casual Vince.)

Vince: This IS my “Room”.

(The scene then changes back to the digital clock. It now reads 210:00:00. A familiar alley way is shown. The camera pans in, and into a cracked open doorway, to reveal C.L.A.W’s hideout. There, several figures have gathered. The usual three, Galivent, Shake, and Teddy, are gathered around the table. Galivent is on the couch, while Shake and Teddy are messing around with some kind of electronics nearby. Then, a ringing is heard. Teddy looks over at Galivent, telling the reader that the sound is coming from near Galivent.  Almost lazily, Galivent answers a C.R.O.W similar to the older ones that they had been distributing to the mafia.)

Galivent: Yo, what is it Boss?

(Teddy and Shake look at one another, confused.)

Teddy: That’s odd… the Boss doesn’t usually call out of the blue. Think something’s up?

Shake: Who knows… But I’ve got a bad feeling about-

(Without warning, Galivent crushes the C.R.O.W within his palm. A wicked, sadistic grin spreads across his face. He is becoming excited. Teddy and Shake drop what they are doing, and turn to see what's up.)

Shake: Gali- What is it!?

(Galivent gets up, the excitement only growing on his face. He looks at the reader directly, while answering Shake.)

Galivent: Change of plans…

(The digital clock appears, but something feels off. Suddenly, the number shown [210:00:00] begins to glitch out, and as Galivent says the final line of the chapter, the true time left is shown.)

Galivent: We strike TOMORROW!!!

(The clock, still a bit glitchy, reads 20:59:59...)

END



Also, as a side note: All of the mafia members [With the exception of Feilio] from the previous chapter have been designed! They are over on our facebook, if your interested, go check it out!
« Last Edit: September 17, 2020, 11:05:19 PM by PichuDX »

Offline Coryn

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Re: Dragon Universe [Reworked]
« Reply #33 on: September 18, 2020, 10:39:36 AM »
Haha, no worries Pichu! I have Dragon Universe as an open tab, so I plan to keep going. I'm glad I could provide a critical eye. Life is busy as always, but we all have to keep in touch with not only our own writing, but with the writing of others. MR isn't living up to its promise if we don't help each other out  ;)

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF