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Author Topic: Story of the fallen Human  (Read 98 times)

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Offline Hai1000

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Story of the fallen Human
« on: March 09, 2019, 01:53:48 AM »
        This is the chapter 2 of Rise of the fallen Angels


So Lucifer was leaving a peacefull life in the sprite world/Dark world. He and the other fellow fallens did there best to make humans go to the wrong path. There's no need for Lucifer & Satan & the other fallens to do more. From the beginning of Human race till now the 21th century humans have gone to the wrong path. Not all of them, or

the Earth would have been destroyed long time ago. But among them there  are some humans who are pure of hart. The Almighty always tested there purity by giving them a hard time in life. Thus  the Almighty over did it with one human. He become a the fallen Human. And for some moment Lucifers worst enemy.

Ok so lets talk about this fallen human. How did he become fallen. This fallen was one of the most pure hearted Human of the Human race. His name was Mayaz. Lets start with his childhood.

When Mayaz was little he was always picked on by his Mom & Dad. His Dad always beat him like an Animal. He always get beaten up by his little brother. he likes cartoons & Animes a lot. He was crazy for them even when he grew up. When he was about to become a teenager god had put through another hard test. His parents mainly his Dad,

 Divorce his Mom. Giving him great mental pressure at the age of 13. Well thats how the 1st step of being a fallen Human begins for him. So Mayaz begin his hard life as a broken family child, everyone always telling him that "your Mom is not a good person so your father left her". He was so ill of hearing this words. Because he knew what the truth was. He kind of became abnormal, he start laughing always no matter what the situation was, but no one knew the pain he had build up behind those laughter, behind his smile. So everyone know him as abnormal.

His Mom is a good woman she had to suffer so much because of his Dad. Well him & his dad both. Lets go to some flash backs the girl's name was Chidori & the boy's name was Pilol. This two boy & girl is the Parents of the fallen Human Mayaz. So how did they got married ? Some say they had Love marriage.

Thus that boy Pilol showed gun to the girl & Pick her up from her University, is that love ? I ask you all. Anyway so they got married & started there married life. Pilol did not study much he is not a graduate. So he was not that capable of doing work in any company. As a result Chidori was in a great pressure, well there life was going slow then the fallen human Mayaz was born.

When Mayaz was really small he would be 1 to 3 months his Uncle, the one Mayaz was living with. Put his big foot on Mayaz when he was lying on the carpet playing. Chidori was thunder struck thinking what the hell just happened??? Any Mom would be, the almighty was always, always unfair to Mayaz the fallen human, cause he had the most pure of heart. When he start school for the 1st time he was 5 years old, that time his life was good when he had gotten to kindergarten. His friends was so nice, those were some good times of his life. His Best Friends was Alfa, Probe, Ame, sikly, & Aruni. They did everything together like a best buddy group. Anyway that happiness soon ends. By then Mayaz meets his little brother sora. He had a very serious case of Diarrhea and almost died. So they had to go to a place where there's green and not no pollutions.

His hometown was just the right place. He never visited there. They starts living there for some years. His little brother's Heath got better so they were finally ready to go back to the city. Then this happens....

That Uncle how puts his big foot on Mayaz. He throws away Mayaz's and family his mom his dad his little bro & his Grandma. So they so they had no choice but to go back to there hometown cause his mom didn't have a stable job and his dad didn't had a stable business or a place to stay.

Oh even tho Mayazs Dad was worthless he did buy a car and fulfilled the needs of his family. But by listening to Mayaz's uncle he did his 1st mistake. Then kept listening to wrong people and become a bad person. He even tried to kill his Wife Chidori. By slow poisoning & then when he realize that it did not work, he made Chidori take some medicines that made her Mentally unstable. In present days she can't talk normally with out shouting.

So back to Mayaz,

His parents took some wrong decisions for his life, that made him unable to study like he use to. As a result he was unable to study then dropped out from his school. Yep just like his dad but it was because of bad decision because of his dad & mom.  Here is more info about him more.

He was good at study when he was little but didn't talk much in class. He had really great friends in elementary School. As he grew up he began to know not all friends are good.
He really felt that way when he was in high school. Only being Friends because you can use someone or get something from someone. Let me tell you that's not how friendship or should I say true friendship works. So as I said he couldn't study as he used to because of that he failed, almost in every test even when he did Coching classes for almost all the subjects. Hmm but that didn't help much. Then he got fad up and didn't wanna study anymore.

One year had passed his mom always pokeing him to start studying again. Well even though he didn't study he did his best. He gained the knowledge of working outside as a sales man, a cyber cafe employee who is in charge when the founder is not present. Data entry work, event management work, mobile brand promoter job, oh even delivering lunch. So even without education he gained this much job experience.

I know what your thinking everything looks ok what could go wrong....
Well all the places he worked for didn't last long different kinds of problems appeared. Like company going down, having problems with salary, project based work that didn't go long, the work was too much despite the salary etc. 

Well after one year his mom finally get him to study again. And that's where more depression get in to his life. As usual he studied his hardest so hard that he go good grades in all the subjects but one. He even retook the that exam but it was no good. And the teacher of that subject said this after seeing the result "yes he tried" that's all. So after that he decided not to study in his whole life.
Then he thought to himself "Ah then it doesn't matter what people say I am who I am".
He even got dumped by his girlfriend. Well she was Internet girlfriend anyway. Her name was Motoko she was a sweet girl. She said she came to see him at a comicon. But no one knows how much of it was true.

From then she acted strangely then broke up. Mayaz didn't give up but it was too late she was already in a relationship with another man. So that was one of the turning point for him cause of the girl who he Loved even more then anything in his life betrayed him. When did his powers I mean the powers of the fallen awakened.

Well it goes sometimes like this Mayaz lost everything that was important to him. so he reached in a state of mind where there's no going back his negative feelings gave birth to his powers. That is called Black magic. His emotions was so strong that the Magic become really powerful and at one time uncontrollable. That's when he learned the excitens of Lucifer, Satan, the other fallen angels and the spirit world/Dark world. He was going to seek help from them. But He lost control after going there and became there enemy.

Ironically Lucifer and him have the same powers. I guess there feelings for humanity are same as well. That's how Lucifer and Mayaz 1st meet by achieveing the greatest dark powers in the universe.

 As for the fighting I will write it once I decided to make this into a manga. The next chapters will be Satan then Lucifer how they were born, who are there parents. What was there duties before they fall etc.

For now this is the end of chapter 2 see you all next time.

« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 06:16:44 AM by Hai1000 »

Offline runawayfantasy

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Re: Story of the fallen Human
« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2019, 12:34:29 AM »
Before I get to reading this, I just wanna give you some advise:
Writing a lot is good! But a wall of text is hard on the eyes as well as hard to read, and could cause your readers to get a headache from it

Try spacing it out some more so it's not just one big wall of text, it'll not only be easier on your readers but also on yourself later when you have to go back and look at what you just wrote!
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Offline runawayfantasy

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Re: Story of the fallen Human
« Reply #2 on: March 16, 2019, 01:28:40 AM »
Well, I read both the first chapter and this one, and I can say that there seems to be a lot of holes in it...

First off, I will just say that having characters names Lucifer and Satan, although it's a cool idea, there's a chance it could confuse some people reading the story since they're different names for the same person originally, so just be aware of that!

Second, and I hope this doesn't sound rude, but if you plan on writing this out and turning it into a book, you need to learn how to spell and use proper grammar. It was really hard for me to read and understand both chapters, I had to re-read sentences multiple times. It's not so bad if you want to make this into a comic, but you should still strive to get better at it.

You also need a better way of telling this story. You're going all over the place with time placement, which isn't a bad thing, but you're going to lose readers if you don't go chronologically or at least give a reason for showing past events. One example of showing a past event is: in a book I'm currently reading, they show the lives of people who have past away through a magic spell basically. The main character is then able to go into their memories and see their lives through their eyes. The reason for doing this is to understand and overcome a problem that's happening in the present, such as being able to know who the persons killer was.

And one of the things I didn't understand was: if this Mayaz person had such a pure and good heart, why was The Almighty character doing everything in their power to make his life miserable? Wouldn't they want him to stay that way, maybe even help and possibly protect him in such a cruel and hateful world? Or did The Almighty give Mayaz such a terrible life because they were afraid he would one day overthrow them?

I wasn't able to figure out the motives behind it, and it made it very confusing, especially with how The Almighty was so sure that humans were righteous to the point even angels needed to bow down to them, going as so far as to banish angels that went against them.

Also, what was the point of taking dinosaurs to hell with them? It's very odd if it was just a spur of the moment thing and they play no part other than that. I mean, I can understand their fondness to them, but it would be better if you created a reason beyond that, like if the dinosaurs became monsters in hell, there are many evil creatures that exist and can be created.

And is this story through Mayaz or Lucifer? Whose point of view are we supposed to be following? If you figure that out then you can do so much with the characters and finding out the backstories of them. If this is told through Lucifer, then we get to see his beginning and up to the point where he gets stuck in Mayaz body, and from there we can learn more about Mayaz. Of course this is vice versa and can be done in either way, but it would be best to figure out a point of view you want the readers to follow.

Ah, that's all I got for now, and I hope I wasn't too harsh or anything! Creating a new story is always a long and hard process, and I just want to help you make it the best version it could be
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