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Author Topic: Thesari  (Read 240 times)

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Offline Baruden

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Thesari
« on: January 08, 2019, 11:37:00 PM »
Afternoon everyone,

As i am in the airport waiting for my flight, i decided to share my ongoing writing with you guys. So far i have wrote and re-wrote this work for several times whenever i had the time. Keep in mind that am writing as a hobby and eventually when i finish this work out i may get an editor to sharpen it.

I usually post new chapters on >> Wordpress <<

Chapter 1
Tricky Situation

In history, each family has its own story. In history, everything can be manipulated with. Can humans believe in history? Can humans believe in their family’s history?  What if our blindly belief for our families will be manipulated for our future generation?

“Growing up…I’ve been told many stories about my family. I’ve carried my family’s name with pride, but now…things are different” Baruden Blacken’s thoughts.

“The stars are brightest that I’ve ever remembered…spectacular I can say” Baruden telling himself “They’re too close…aren’t they?” as he was saying that Baruden remembered he is still flying after the incident.

“I hope they survived…Moh I know you will survive, but will you protect them?” Baruden telling himself while the wind pressure is surrounding him through the sky.

Baruden can feels that he’ll be landing soon, he is wondering will he survive the fall? How long have been he flying aimlessly? What future will he face after landing?

A sudden stop in the wind pressure and a sudden gravity pull toward the ground “At last my stop” Baruden said out loudly while dreamingly gazing at the bright stars.

His body starts to fall down he feels that he’s cutting through the wind, he feels the wind resistance. Baruden smiles and says “Skydiving check in my bucket-list, thanks Moh”

Without knowing when he will land to the ground Baruden was still facing the skies gazing at the stars while they shrink and dim. The further he falls the further his hopes and faith diminishes.

He finally smashed into land strongly where he lost his consciousness. The dust hovers a great radius around him. the people of the nearby village has been alarmed and started waking up one by one.

Baruden was still unconscious laying on the ground “Kid, you have no time to lose your consciousness, we’re in the middle of nowhere.” An ancient voice in Baruden’s consciousness.

A scared child is standing far from where Baruden is laying down, staring at him while hiding behind a tree. He’s struggling to bring out words, he finally gather up the courage to speak up and shouts “M..m..mis…Mister!”. Baruden’s body twitched, the scared child got terrified he attempted to run away but tripped on a stone and his head went into another tree and passed out.

The warriors of the village started to close in, they noticed the hovering dust started to settle as it was settling they saw the child on the ground on the other side. One of the warriors called out “KALI” and ran toward him but he noticed Baruden’s body. “STOP ASABI!” a warrior warned him. Asabi slowed down, he noticed Baruden twitched again and gaining his conscious. He slowly kneed on one leg and placed both of his fists on the ground, sand crawled around his fists until they solidified as stones around his hand as gloves.

Baruden opened his eyes, still feels tipsy. While sitting up he felt the presence of the warriors from a side, he turned his head to the other side and noticed the passed-out child. He knew he was in a tricky situation already “I hate you Moh” with a low whiny voice while scratching his head and sighing.

Baruden glimpsed Asabi was a bit surprise with his dark skin that reminded him of his friend Moh. Also impressed with his light cloths exposing most of his body and the stone fists. The warriors behind Asabi each one has a primitive weapon. Then Baruden noticed that he was in a jungle. “Africa?”  he said to himself Asabi barely heard him and shouted “Who are you?! Speak up!”. Asabi tightened his fists then approached Baruden dreadfully as he feels the tension of his presence. “Wait wait! Calm down!” Baruden’s raises both hands trying to calm Asabi. “My name is Baruden, am a traveler am just passing by here I do not want any troubles.” Baruden saying with a loud calm confident voice to calm down Asabi. But Asabi’s eyes switches to Kali the passed-out kid as he was waiting for an explanation from Baruden. Baruden turn his head to Kali and notices the small kid with all the tattoos on his body “Oh that…I have nothing to do with that! I lost consciousness when I fell here and just woke up” with a bit nervousness in his voice because Baruden knew if he made a single mistake with his wording he would have a situation in his hand.

“I swear…I don’t know why you’re in charge, one day I’ll beat you up and take over” The ancient voice spoke in Baruden’s mind, “Shut-up old-fart, just let me handle it” Baruden replied to him out loud angerly. Asabi noticed that Baruden spoke to himself as he was talking to someone else that moment he knew that this guy was crazy, and he was a threat that must be eliminated.

Asabi without hesitation charged with a quick step to Baruden going for an upper cut. Baruden leaned his head back as the punches passes in front of him and said “Boxing? Really?” Baruden’s thought was how does an African tribe is using boxing. Asabi took a step back then threw a right hook directly on Baruden’s body. “Old-fart get ready” Baruden spoke in his mind, he rises his right fist upside down with his left hand’s palm facing forward. Asabi notices his pose and still without hesitation aimed for Baruden’s body.

Suddenly, forming in Baruden’s hand out of thin air a huge sword, the handle of the sword on his right hand and his left hand is supporting the blade. Asabi’s punch clashes with the sword, Baruden started to drift backward away from Asabi. Until his back stopped by a boulder.

The other warriors ran toward Kali to move him away. One of the warriors said, “We’ll leave this to you.” to Asabi, he nodded back and said “Report back to the Chieftain” the warrior nodded back to Asabi and ran back.

Asabi looked toward Baruden but can’t have a good visual on him the dust is hovering around him, but he notices his sharp eyes glowing between the dusts fixated at him.
Chapter 2
Brown Meteor

The dust is hovering around Baruden, with his eyes fixated on Asabi. Asabi hesitated for a second to charge in, as he felt a strong sensation from Baruden. The dust starts to settle carefully fixating his eyes on Baruden’s. “Look man, I do not want anything nor want to hurt anyone, can you just let me pass peacefully?” Baruden said gently. Asabi kept quiet, carefully observing Baruden and he notices the sword that he blocked with has disappeared. He realized that Baruden is no ordinary man, Asabi takes a step toward Baruden as he refuses his truce.

Baruden sighed and said quietly “Did you get it? Old-fart”. The ancient voice said, “I did, now it’s your turn”. Asabi heard the ancient voice as well, while his eyes scattered around looking for the source of the voice and started to panic. He quick stepped to Baruden with all his might, he threw a punch aiming to Baruden’s head. Baruden bended his head to the left but, Asabi followed with a left punch into his stomach. The ancient voice said “Kid, don’t be a coward and be a man” sarcastically. Baruden coughed, as he coughed Asabi took few steps back. Baruden said “Damn man, your left is sure powerful” said it hurtful voice. Baruden looked back and notices that the boulder was at least fifteen meters away from him and made a mess to the trees on its way. Baruden looked back at Asabi with an amused face “I’ll be damned that right is surely scarier” Asabi took the compliment and smiled. “Very well” Baruden in a serious tone, he bended his knees a bit and raised his left hand while emoting him to come at him with a smirk. Asabi tempered quickly and smashed the ground with his right feet, he hovered on the ground while delivering a right hook into Baruden’s face. The hook contacted, Baruden flew away even further than the huge boulder did. Asabi started panting with frustration, he looked at Baruden’s body far away from him and said quietly “No one look down at me” The ancient voice started to laugh loudly in both minds of Baruden and Asabi saying “HAH! KID you took it hard, didn’t you?!” and kept laughing. Asabi started to panic turning his face around looking for the source of that voice. Asabi noticed Baruden standing which shocked him even more, because he knew that his punch was the strongest he can deliver and the fact Baruden survived is nearly impossible.

Baruden stared at Asabi’s eyes and with all his might he roared like a wild beast, the sensation of Baruden stomped into Asabi and injected him not with fear but with might. Asabi firmed his pose and charged to Baruden without hesitation. Baruden charged at him as well, when they closed in on each other Asabi stopped and started to slide on the ground while throwing a left jab. At the left jab Asabi was truly surprised that Baruden was taking the same fighting pose as him with a silver glove around his hand just like his rocky gloves, Baruden blocked his jab and followed it with a right counter punch into his stomach. Asabi took damage from that punch and stepped back, as he was taking a step back Baruden took a step forward and threw a left jab, but Asabi blocks it and pushes him away. Asabi had his distance from Baruden and notices his eyes were eyes of a wild beast with the same smirk on his face. Asabi felt a shiver in his body and hears whispers of the ancient voice “You do hear me, don’t you? Look at his eyes, those eyes are eyes of a killer with no conscious.” Asabi’s hand firms “All your life what did you do? Fight with what? You think you saw it all?” the whispers keep floating sarcastically around Asabi. Baruden started to throw nonstop left jabs at Asabi, but he kept blocking with fear. Baruden kept giggling with pleasure as he punches. Asabi with fear and anger could not take it anymore gathered all his strength into his right arm as it started to grow with muscles, until it doubled the size of his left arm. He dashed backward to prepare his punch then quickly dashed toward Baruden with his punch. “Are you sure?” The ancient voice spoke spookily into Asabi’s head, but that did not shake Asabi’s will even for a bit. Once Asabi’s fist reached Baruden’s face, he heard a loud sound from the earth.

A strong tremor waves surfing the ground that paralyzed both. They both felt a presence that Asabi was familiar with. The chieftain of the village standing as he stopped both with a shock wave that he created by just stomping his staff into the earth. Asabi fighting spirit faded away with a relief, but that did not stop Baruden’s fighting spirit he kept struggling and giggling to break free craving to fight more.

Asabi noticed after calming down that Baruden was going for an uppercut to deflect his punch, he knew that this man is an insane fighter. With the struggling of Baruden to break free he started to doze down bit by bit.

As his voice echoed through the forest “Asabi” the chieftain said in anger, Asabi looked at the chieftain and saw him holding hand with Kali. Baruden collapsed on the ground and his gloves disappeared into thin air, Asabi’s body started to move he kneed to the chieftain. The chieftain came closer and said “Yo’ what have you done?” with anger, Asabi did not respond he just lowered his head even more with regret. “First, Yo’ ruined the life of Abiona, Rukiya and Waseme.” While pointing at the trees that the boulder ruined, Asabi kept his silent. “Secondly, Yo’ know who this man is? Yo’ know how did he arrive? Yo’ know did he really hurt Kali or not?” raising his voice with each Yo’, Asabi shook his head as he was not aware of the answer of any of the questions.

The Chieftain sighed and said, “How many times I told yo’ read the damn books I give yo’?!” he pointed the staff at Baruden.

“This man is the Brown meteor!” every warrior present and Asabi were shocked as a lighting stroke into their hearts!
Chapter 3
The White Room

The Chieftain stomping his staff on the ground everyone goes in silence alertly looking at him, the tale of the brown meteor is the oldest in the village. Asabi raises his head to the chieftain with an explanation of his statement. “Yo’ all living history now, yo’ all should be honored” the Chieftain said with a smile, everyone nodded with comfort. “Now carry this man, take him back to the village” Chieftain commanded the warriors, Asabi still kneeling and lost in thoughts. Kali ran toward Asabi with joy, but Asabi didn’t pay attention to him. Kali close in and pats him strongly. Asabi wakes up from his thoughts looks at Kali’s smiling face and eases him to know that he wasn’t in any harm. “Asabiii!! We are living it! The prophecy of the village will be finally fulfilled!” Kali talking with a hype. Asabi nodded with a smile then stood up and told Kali “I’ll go in a walk for a bit” telling Kali but Kali reacted with a worried face, Asabi placed his hand on his head and started to scratch it strongly telling him “Not to worry little-Panther” and smiled. Kali looked at him with a bit of anger “Fine” Asabi gently slapped his head and said, “Now go follow the others” Kali nodded and went running after the others who are carrying Baruden back to the village.

The villagers were waiting eagerly for the warriors to come worried about their safety. The warriors came back carrying the fainted Baruden on their shoulders, the villagers were relieved seeing the warriors returned safely with the Chieftain and Kali. They are all waiting for the chieftain “Gather everyone front of my house, Yo’ all should listen what comes next” said the chieftain while going back to his house. Everyone started spreading the word around. As they are gathering, the Chieftain sitting in his house opening the chest of their ancestors the locked chest that hold the next chapter of the oldest tale of the village, as he opens it he feels the spirits of all the ancestors behind him as if they are eager to see what’s inside the chest the Chieftain smiles and says quietly “Am the lucky one” in a silliness to make the spirits feel jealous. He looks inside the chest sees two papers one holds a letter and the other holds symbols that he never saw before. He sees the letter and started to read

“Dear Chieftain Kali, It is a great honor to have you reading this letter after all these years of wait I bet this letter is really excited to be read by the man who is destined read it, I know this is shocking for you. My name is Moh and I am the first Chieftain of the village, I’ve foreseen this day to come from the start.”

The Chieftain stopped reading with a shock and unease feeling from the letter, but he kept reading with strong will. As he keeps continue reading the villagers gathered and started to ask questions about what’s going on and the gossips started about the rumor of the oldest tale.

Asabi sitting on a peak of a mountain at the end of the forest gazing at the moon thinking of Baruden the man who stood with no fear against him and the ancient voice that shivered his body. He was worried about what will happen next, he knew that by fulfilling the oldest tale of the village people may start to lose sight of their traditions since it has been fulfilled. Asabi was a man who truly respect his village who thinking ahead of time of what’s coming. Then Asabi said “Living the moment…” quietly and smirked, he stood up and went back to the village. Upon his arrival he saw the villagers all gathered at the Chieftain’s house waiting, he figured that there will be a speech, but he was more concerned about the man who is resting in the treatment tent.

Asabi decided to give him a visit as he is walking away a warrior came to him in a hurry telling Asabi “Asabi wait, the Chieftain requested all of us to gather” Asabi ignored him and kept going. He enters the tent sees the village’s youngest doctor Nakia sitting next to Baruden alerted if something happens. Asabi smiled at her as she looks at him “What?” With anger Asabi is amazed by her beauty and smiled because of her dedication as a doctor saying “Yo’ are a very dedicated doctor, you will make a great wife one day” mimicking the Chieftain, she blushed and said “Fine! You take care of him little panther!” Asabi glared at her “knock it off” with a sharp deep voice she got frightened then Asabi said “Am a big panther now” sarcastically. She threw a towel at him leaving the room, leaving him alone with Baruden.

Asabi looks at Baruden with worry. He sat down next to him thinking about the ancient voice, then Baruden twitched and started to sweat. Asabi took the towel dipped it in a bowl of water to cool him down, once he placed the towel in his head he blinked then he saw himself in a different room. The room was filled with white tiles from the ground to the ceiling, there was a statue with a familiar symbol for Asabi in front of him. He hears heavy breathing behind him he turns around, he sees Baruden topless covered with bruises and blood looking back at Asabi with a confused face. Then Asabi notices standing behind Baruden another topless old man also covered in bruises heavily breathing as they were fighting for a long time. That moment the man took the chance that Baruden was distracted jumped in and punched Baruden’s face, blood splattered on the ground. Baruden growled at and returned the punch at him made the man goes back few steps. Baruden spat blood on the ground and said with a weak voice “Old-fart…am going to kill you one day” Baruden coughed. The man smirked and spat blood on the ground “Try you little hippo” the voice was familiar to Asabi but once he said the word hippo Baruden stood firmly and said “Do not use that word, only Moh…” The man replied “Moh Moh Moh! HE ABANDONED YOU! GET OVER HIM!”. Asabi was standing there and said quietly “Moh?” as if he knows him then both looked at him with confusion in their faces, the man asked Asabi, “You know Moh?” Asabi nodded.
Chapter 4
Thesar

Asabi looking at both Baruden and the old man in confusion and asked, “Where are we?”. But Baruden and the old man are still shocked about how he knows Moh. “Wait wait, how do you know Moh? Is he here?” Baruden asked ignoring Asabi’s question. Asabi was looking around the room trying to figure out where he is and then answered “Yes, Moh is the first and strongest chieftain of our village, he has established many of the village’s rules. But that was over 3 centuries ago.” Baruden lost interest when he heard the answer.

Asabi paused for a moment then asked, “Who are you again? I’ve heard your voice before” looking at the old man. The old man wiped away the blood on his face and stood firmly saying “I am…” Then Baruden interrupted him saying “That’s yours?” pointing at the statue. Asabi looked at the statue and disapproved while saying “Although the statue is familiar to me”. Baruden starting cleaning himself from blood saying to the old man “Old-fart, let’s see the situation at hand now later I’ll kill you, ok?” the old man nodded with frustration because his introduction was ignored.

Baruden looked at the statue for a minute then confirmed to Asabi “That statue is yours, it is the source of your power.” Then he sat on the ground and crossed his legs and arms “Apparently you have a Thesar within you and it’s providing you with power, do you have any unique ability different than other people back at your home?” The old man was leaning on the wall and said “Yes, he does he can absorb the earth into a weapon” Asabi was in silenced and confused. Baruden noticed that and said “Oh well am pretty sure that there is someone better than us can explains Thesar to you” Asabi nodded back at him and said “I think the chieftain could explain it to me…I hope” Asabi was really frustrated because he knew that he was totally lost in all of this. Baruden stood up and patted his back saying, “It’s all right, eventually things will clear out.” Baruden smiled and said, “At least your Thesar doesn’t talk, look at this Old-fart always talking and fighting with me” The old man said “Hey!” then Baruden kept talking ignoring the old man “This room we’re in now is basically our subconscious, am surprised that you’ve never been here and yet you are using your Thesar.” Saying it with admiration Asabi smirked with pride.

After reading the message the chieftain rushed outside his house toward the medical tent with fear, everyone was surprised seeing him rushing like that. On his way he saw Nakia coming toward him and he asked her with worry “Where is the Brown Meteor?!” Nakia got a little scared while saying “He’s being taken care of by Asabi” once she said that the chieftain pushed himself with his staff on the ground and dashed quickly toward the tent Nakia didn’t even follow up with him with her eyes.

The Chieftain enters the tent sees Asabi placing his hand on Baruden and both of their eyes are yellow and glowing. He quickly stomped the ground with his staff and built a muddy barrier around the tent, so no one can enter. He takes off his chieftain dress and head gear then place his hand on Asabi’s Head then blinks.

Openning his eyes and sees himself in the room looking straight at his staff floating, he kneeled and said “My lady, sorry for the intrusion but am in a hurry” a moment of silent went by then a woman’s voice saying “Dear Kali, I am just a weapon and under the oath of your village do not take permissions from me whenever you come here.” The chieftain stood up and smiled “A lady’s privacy needs to be respected” saying the chieftain. He heard laughter behind him turned around sees Asabi sitting down with Baruden and the old man all of them talking and laughing, he sighed with relief.

Walked toward them, Asabi noticed him stood up and kneeled “Chieftain!”. Baruden looked at him saying “So you’re the Chieftain, you look so cool! That scar reminds me of someone cool as well” then he placed his hand on his chin thinking. Asabi rose his head notices the chieftain is topless and sees a huge cross scar on his chest, The chieftain notices Asabi’s look. “Do not worry it’s just an old war scar” smiled at him, “Yo’, Are yo’ Baruden B?  are you the one that Moh sent?” Baruden looked at him “Hmm, Moh sure did a lot around here.” And he nodded in approval. The chieftain stared at the old man with disgust and hate, he had a cautious aura around him. “Of course, the same look” then he turned and walked away while vanishing.

The chieftain said “Good, they must know their places” Baruden stood up saying “He knows his place very well, next time you better be careful…he is mine” his eyes were furious with anger. The chieftain looked at Baruden felt an uneasy aura around him he stepped back a bit and said “Be the advice you give” with uncertainty of what he said. Baruden aura eased up and said “Pfft, that Moh”. “So, Chieftain Where is Moh?” Baruden asked. The chieftain had a confused look on his face then said “Moh has been dead for over 3 centuries…” and paused waiting for Baruden’s reaction but he didn’t react he was waiting for the chieftain to continue “But he has left some sort of message for you.” Baruden smirked and said “Did he now? You know that he still lives, yes?” Asabi interrupted “This cannot be, he has died in the first great war against the Blackens and we came victorious because of his sacrifice.”. Baruden smirked and said, “He didn’t die back then.”. They both glared at him and saw his confidence they figured out that he is not bluffing.
Chapter 5
The First Lady

Baruden sighed while saying “He’s alive and well. But I do not know where he is, he’s probably in a tricky situation and need help” then he paused for a moment and said, “We need to help him”. Asabi said “We?” Baruden nodded Asabi replied “But…” the Chieftain interrupted Asabi by saying “I need to stay here with the village, but I will make sure to send the strongest warriors to accompany yo’ in yo’r quest” Then the Chieftain’s face was filled with thoughts “Where is he now? What happened?” he asked.

Baruden sat down while saying “a lot happened” he stared at the floor for few moments gathering his thoughts “Who are the Blackens?” he asked the Chieftain. The Chieftain said, “Our oldest and greatest enemies, they have been in war with our first Chieftain Moh. They were ruthless, savages and know only blood…they are pure darkness” Baruden nodded “What else you can tell me about them? Do they still exist?” The Chieftain sighed and said “Sadly yes, but they do not know about our existence. Chieftain Moh have sacrificed himself to protect us and that is how he died. They made a deal with him to surrender himself and they’ll leave the village in peace.” Baruden interrupted “And why did they want him?” The Chieftain replied “He had knowledge of a great treasure. However, he surrendered himself, but they did not honor their deal and continued the slaughter.” The Chieftain expression saddened “And here where…” he pointed at his floating staff “Noyah, Moh’s wife protected us by creating an illusion to deceive the Blackens of our death.” Baruden stared at the floating staff as if he sees through it, the Chieftain continued the story “By creating the illusion she sacrificed her body and till this day we are living in peace inside this forest that she created for us.” Asabi was shocked of this part of the story. Baruden then said, “And those Blackens, how do they look?” once he asked that question glowing insects started to gather in between the three of them forming a humanoid body glowing in light Asabi and the Chieftain dashed backward and rose up their guards. Baruden stood still face to face to the light the glowing body started to dim into a short woman staring back at Baruden they both kept staring at each other. The Chieftain recognized the woman’s short dark brown hair and small eyes then said “Lady Noyah?!” Noyah ignored him and kept staring Baruden in the eyes.

Then Baruden grinded his teeth took his right feet back and threw a punch at Noyah while shouting “My long-waited punch finally going to land in your face Chibby!” Noyah dodged his punch and hand chopped his forehead. He growled in pain “You little…. Chibby!” then they started to trade punches and kicks while shouting at each other.

Then they both drifted away from each other while patting. The Chieftain and Asabi’s eyes were popped out of what’s going on, the Chieftain started to walk to stand with Noyah to help her then she turned her bloody face to him staring at him, he stopped then she said, “Do not interfere, little Panther” The Chieftain bowed his head and stood back.

Baruden while patting smirked “Still trying to be independent, such a Chibby” She got angrier and said “Baru…I’ll rip off your head with one hand if you say it one more time” while rising her left hand and cracking her fingers. Baruden quickly dashed surprising her, he rose both of his hands she tried to take a step back but then Baruden pulled her to his chest and hugged her she tried to fight back but then calmed down.

“I am sorry Chibby” Baruden said with a warm voice Noyah did not respond she just let him hug her then she started to cry. “I miss…” she sniffed “You guys” then hugged him back. “I know, I missed you too Chibby” she said “I am scared and alone all the time, Moh left me again…because of you Baru…” Baruden held her head and looked her in the eyes and said “Moh will never chose me over you and if he does, you know that I’ll beat him up. We are just in hard times and we all knew that these days were coming our way” she sniffed and nodded with teary eyes. Then she said “Blackens…” Baruden stepped back looking at the ground saying “I know…” Noyah swiped her tears and said “Blackens are the three leaders of the Skye Ediamante the Queen” Baruden eyes were so fixated once she said the name of the queen, Noyah kept talking “Their strength is unmatchable only Moh was the one who stood against them between all the fourteen kingdoms back then.” She sighed “Their appearance is unknown to people no one ever spoke of their faces; however, they usually are in black armor that glows with darkness with glowing red eyes” Baruden interrupted by saying “They breath in darkness, they breath out darkness and they are a cloud of darkness” Noyah was taken by surprised and asked “Did you meet them? I know that you’ve been…” before she finishes her sentence then she jumped and shouted “IS MOH OK!?” Baruden smirked and said, “He is…I am alive, aren’t I?” she sighed “Yes…so what happened?”.

Baruden turned his face to Asabi and the Chieftain then looked at her as he refuses to speak in their presence she smiled at him “You think they are not worthy?” he nodded saying “Specially your little Panther, you saw what he said about the old fart?!” she giggled “Well he did pretty nasty things back in the day, do not think Moh won’t speak ill of him” he rolled his eyes and clicked his tongue “You have a point” with bit of frustration with his voice. “And if they are not worthy will I appear to them like this? All pretty and cleaned up?” Noyah said to Baruden with sparkling eyes he replied “No…” while his eyes are still rolled then he followed up “Fine”. Baruden looked at them and said “Alright Panthers…You’re about to hear about how I arrived here and I guess why did Moh came up with the name of Brown Meteor for me.”


These are 5 chapters only, please your feedback is appreciated. i know there may be grammer errors etc, however am more worried about the events are they going too fast or too slow, are the building up is ok?

Offline Baruden

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Re: Thesari
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2019, 09:54:38 AM »
Well...at least a "it sucks" would be better than nothing :<

Offline Coryn

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Re: Thesari
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2019, 01:35:40 PM »
You have to have patience bud. You put up a lot of material all at once. That's intimidating for people to get through. Plus things never happen quick on a small forum like this. Go out, review some other people's work. Ask for reviews from the writers you see that you respect. Getting annoyed over the process won't make things happen.

Good luck.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline Baruden

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Re: Thesari
« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2019, 10:23:15 AM »
Roger that boss!  :cop:


Offline legomaestro

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Re: Thesari
« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2019, 11:17:53 PM »
Read the first chapter. Here are my first thoughts:

Baruden landing in the village and having those thoughts seems like a great opening to an anime/manga. I could almost visualize it.

It felt weird that every paragraph seemed to jump out of the flow and start to talk about something new, but it could work as a style if you improve on it. The grammar is a bit off, so read more novels/stories and copy sentences from them to get a better feel for the language.

The chapter ending didn't feel like an ending, more like a cut off point. Chapter 1 for any story should always bring some interest to the reader and even if the story never continues, the reader should have a basic idea of what is going on. I know that there are super powers in this story and that it takes place somewhere in Africa, but I don't know why I should care about Baruden at all.


Offline Baruden

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Re: Thesari
« Reply #5 on: January 27, 2019, 07:57:42 AM »
Read the first chapter. Here are my first thoughts:

Baruden landing in the village and having those thoughts seems like a great opening to an anime/manga. I could almost visualize it.

It felt weird that every paragraph seemed to jump out of the flow and start to talk about something new, but it could work as a style if you improve on it. The grammar is a bit off, so read more novels/stories and copy sentences from them to get a better feel for the language.

The chapter ending didn't feel like an ending, more like a cut off point. Chapter 1 for any story should always bring some interest to the reader and even if the story never continues, the reader should have a basic idea of what is going on. I know that there are super powers in this story and that it takes place somewhere in Africa, but I don't know why I should care about Baruden at all.


Thanks for the feedback! I’ll try to justify each point you have and let me know what you think.


Great to know that I made you visualize the scene it means a lot to me especially when am trying my best to minimize details.

I kinda meant to have it on paragraphs to try make it clear it’s another scene I do not want everything piled up in one paragraph or may mislead what happen. For the grammars I will make sure to get back at them once I finish an arc or may do it after finishing the story. Looking back will just make it longer for me to finish but yes I will.


My thought on the ending is “to be continued”. I want to make the story to pile up bit by bit and am limiting my self with a thousand word per chapter. So it won’t be too long nor too short, but a lot of glimpses of the story were thrown in this chapter.