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Author Topic: Toxic's Untitled WIP  (Read 729 times)

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Offline ToxicWaste97

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Toxic's Untitled WIP
« on: December 07, 2018, 01:07:45 AM »
I've been brainstorming an idea for a while that I'd like to make into a full story, but I can't seem to get it into words. I thought that posting some of my ideas out where others can see them and make comments could help me figure out what works and what could be done better.

Story

 After Steph is cheated out of the payment for her bounty hunting for the last time, she decides to prove her strength by capturing the world's most wanted criminal: "Deadman" Logan. In order to fulfill such a task, however, Steph must get the help of Diane, a kindly hero from another land, and Justin, a reluctant thief with a heart of gold. Can they find "Deadman" Logan and bring him to justice, or will this job end like all ones before?

Setting

The Fractured Continent, a group of thirteen islands floating over an endless void, is where the story takes place. These islands drift about amungst each other, occasionally bumping into each other and creating a way to cross from one island to another by foot. The only other method to cross between islands is to sail across the Shallow Sea, a floating ocean that rests between the islands and drifts as they do, changing its shape and position as the islands move over the Void.

Each of the thirteen islands has its own people and culture, but they do share one thing in common. They are each ruled over by a King who has been gifted incredible power by the Divine Guardians of each island. The most senior of the thirteen Kings is appointed High King, a position that grants that King authority over all the islands as well as their own. This is a position to be held with a sense of honor and dignity. It is customary for a King to step down from their throne after a 25 year reign.

Characters

Steph
- Bio - As a child, Steph was always the strongest kid around. Naturally, she assumed this would bring her a bright future in being a soldier for the Royal Army of the High King. However, due to her father's crimes, she is unable to achieve this dream. Instead, she works as a bounty hunter in the Land of Silver in order to live where people don't know her for her father's actions. She works hard, but is unable to make any decent amount of money due to loopholes used by the Silver King to avoid having to pay her what she is owed. As she becomes more and more frustrated, she decides to abandon her current job of chasing little fish to go after the biggest catch in the land: "Deadman" Logan, the most wanted man in the world.
- Age - 16
- Gender - Female
- Appearance - Steph is of average height and build for a girl her age. She typically wears loose-fitting shirts and tank-tops along with her pair of “lucky pants”, which seem to be her only pair. When on a job, she wears boots and gloves, but normally wears a pair of slippers when being casual. She maintains a casual posture and poor personal hygiene. Steph has green eyes and a head of red hair that reaches halfway down her back.
- Personality - Steph is relatively relaxed person, though she does have a mean temper. She also is very forgiving, as she often forgets what even made her so upset in the first place. She enjoys the thrill of a good fight and often will go out of her way to make a fight more interesting for herself. She enjoys a challenge and despises when people go easy on her, even if she cannot succeed without such actions. Steph loves travelling the world, but finds it hard to do so with her empty coin purse.
- Likes - travelling, meeting new people
- Dislikes - receiving charity, waiting on something she cannot control
- Flaws - easily provoked to anger, bad memory
- Fears - always depending on someone else to survive, being judged for the actions of others

Diane
- Bio - Diane was always special. As a child, she drew the Sword of Embers from the Eternal Forge and claimed the title of Legendary Hero. Ever since, she has been treated differently than others, almost like royalty. While this was flattering at first, Diane soon came to realize that she had done nothing to earn her prestige. Thus, she has traveled out into the world, doing acts of good where there is no one who knows her face. Diane has made it her goal to help all those who ask for it, as that is the true mark of a hero.
- Age - 17
- Appearance - Diane is not what a "Legendary Hero" would be expected to look like. She is tall but thin, and she wears practical armor over comfortable clothes. Diane never leaves her home without her sword on her belt and makes sure to show it off when she gets the chance. She has blonde hair kept in a bun and black eyes.
- Personality - Diane presents herself with an air of pride but never looks down on other people. She has a strict sense of what’s right and wrong and disapproves of anyone who breaks her unspoken moral code. Diane is perpetually under the pressure of being the “perfect hero” that other people believe that she is.
- Likes - set guidelines, helping others
- Dislikes - needless praise, large gatherings of strangers
- Flaws - has no social skills
- Fears - being unable to reach her own standards

Justin
- Bio - Justin belongs to a large family. He is the youngest of ten children, and he is very clearly the favorite of both his father and mother. Though he has no problems with this preferential treatment, he is very much aware of the contempt it breeds in his older siblings. Deciding to solve the problem himself, Justin ran away from home, thinking that without him around, his parents would begin to treat his siblings with more affection. However, he sadly lacked the forethought to bring along any money on his journey, forcing him to live on the streets, stealing garbage and pocket change to survive. Though he never steals anything that would be missed, Justin still feels a great guilt for his actions and desires nothing more than to live a more legitimate lifestyle.
- Age - 15
- Gender - Male
- Appearance - Justin appears to be a bit shorter and thinner than he should be. He owns one set of clothes: an oversized grey t-shirt that belonged to his father, a long-sleeved green shirt that he wears under the larger shirt, and a pair of worn pants. He doesn’t care too much about his appearance, and thus his brown hair is always messy. Justin’s blue eyes are unique in his family.
- Personality - Justin is a bit over-judging of himself, though this may be due to his upbringing with nine older siblings. He finds himself second-guessing himself all the time, and often makes mistakes because of this. As a result, he has trained himself to act impulsively in order to avoid the mistakes from hesitation. Justin is unable to stand idly as he sees morally wrong actions take place, but he has a poor grasp on what actually is and is not moral outside of his home. He tends to treat most interactions with others in one of two ways: like he is talking to a sibling or with a parent. Justin does not seem to have a filter when it comes to what he says. If he thinks it, he will probably say it.
- Likes - being correct, eating good food
- Dislikes - perceived injustice, inaction
- Flaws - honest to a fault, impulsive
- Fears - causing the suffering of others, not living up to his parents' expectations

Offline CookiePanda

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Re: Toxic's Untitled WIP
« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2018, 01:36:01 AM »
Wow! I am super impressed by this world! I also have difficulties starting and finishing a story.

I think if you're not sure how the story is going to flow that you should write down what the end goal of the story is going to be. Is Steph going to catch "Deadman" Logan? Is she going to fall in love with him and give up on her dream of fame? Is she going to make unlikely friends on her journey and become an important member of the royal army after the High King personally meets her?

Even without knowing where you're going to end I think the first chapter should be easy enough. I believe the most obvious choice for starting is her in the middle of the job that she becomes cheated out of. We should get a good idea of her skills and confidence. A sudden change in scene to her handing in the criminal. We should see her getting cheated out of the money and then maybe a change in scene to her living in poor conditions. The meager amount of money that she has saved up. I don't know if she has any vices or friends in the city but maybe we could see her complaining over a drink to a close friend and then during her drunken fit see her looking at the wanted board. A picture of "Deadman" Logan hanging at the top "Most Wanted!" and she can declare "That! That is how I'm going to prove myself!" her friend confused "What? What that? What are you going to do?" She is going to dramatically strut up to the board, stick a knife in the picture of "Deadman" Logan and go "I'm going to catch 'Deadman' Logan!" end chapter.

Offline ToxicWaste97

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Re: Toxic's Untitled WIP
« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2018, 08:12:04 PM »
Thanks for the input. I suppose you're right about showing off the end goal of the story. It's mostly an adventure story about Steph and her journey across the world, meeting new people and fighting baddies as she tracks down and eventually faces off against Logan. There will be a bit more to the story than "girl wants to catch criminal" but that requires a bit of setup.

I've actually already started on the first few chapters, and you're not too far off from what I already have regarding the beginning.

Offline CookiePanda

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Re: Toxic's Untitled WIP
« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2018, 09:29:31 PM »
If you need anyone to read the chapters and give you some input I would love to do so! It's a really interesting concept.

Offline Chronos

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Re: Toxic's Untitled WIP
« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2019, 11:07:22 AM »
It's mostly an adventure story about Steph and her journey across the world, meeting new people and fighting baddies as she tracks down and eventually faces off against Logan.

In that case, I would advise you to pay extra attention to the different cultures and maybe biomes of the islands, since it can very easily become stale and samey, if the only change of scenery consists in the face of the new "villain of the week". This doesn't have to happen ofc, but even if you are able to prevent this easily, various different cultures (and maybe even forms of government and society. It seems a bit restrictive to make all of them feudal monarchies below one liege, why not mix it up with a caste society here or a merchant republic there. After all, what better starting position for the emergence of individual cultures than a handful of semi-isolated islands? It could also be fascinating to explore the relationships, dependencies and politics between such diverse territories) would be one more thing for the audience to look forward to and keep them interested.
But then again,

Offline Action Animation

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Re: Toxic's Untitled WIP
« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2019, 12:56:53 AM »
this premise does show potential^^

i understand the struggles of writing a story and world that both you and your readers can see^^

all it takes is practice for it all to fall into place ^^

so if your really serious about writing and have that burning passion to create

I'd love to help review and/or help brainstorm a plot you'd love to write

look forward to your response^^
-Action 

Offline ToxicWaste97

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Re: Toxic's Untitled WIP
« Reply #6 on: May 02, 2019, 10:36:07 PM »
Oh boy, has it been a while since I've been here...

On the bright side, I have actually been working on this story concept so I do have some minor notes on what I have so far regarding this story.

Setting:

The story takes place on the Fractured Continent, a series of islands floating over an endless abyss. Each island has its own independent culture and government, ruled by a "King" of sorts. The title "King" is used exclusively, regardless of the identity of the monarch. The story will begin in the Island of Silver and the characters will travel from location to location on their quest to defeat Logan.

Plot (Kinda):

While the end goal of the protagonists is to defeat Deadman Logan, there are others who share in this goal. After all, Logan is a feared man and has many enemies. Both rival bounty hunters and criminals will be encountered on the path to the final battle with Logan.

I think I'm going to change a few things about the overall premise, especially Steph's reason to be wanting to fight with Logan, but that's still in the works right now. I think I'll try to get a rough draft for a chapter done by the end of this weekend, assuming that school stuff doesn't distract me for another four months...

Offline ToxicWaste97

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Re: Toxic's Untitled WIP
« Reply #7 on: May 13, 2019, 11:09:29 PM »
Got that first chapter done, a week later than I expected. Let me know what you think.

Chapter 1

Spoiler

Steph looked at the gap in the land before her. Just twenty feet in front of her lied the Kingdom of Silver. Between her and that goal was a dark pit leading into the endless abyss that stretched all the way into the planet’s core. It would not be an easy jump, Steph thought, but not quite impossible either.

As she contemplated exactly how she would approach crossing the gap, Steph’s mind turned to old memories of her and her father at a similar gap.

“Go on,” Ian Petrol, Steph’s father, said coldly, “Jump.”

A much younger Steph looked into the gap and took a step backward in hesitation. “No,” she said, shaking her head, “I don’t wanna.”

Ian rolled his eyes. “If you want to grow up and be like your father, you’re going to have to let got of your fear.”
Placing a hand on Steph’s shoulder, Ian continued, adopting a more encouraging tone, “Don’t worry. I’ll be right here.”

Once more looking into the abyss, Steph took a deep breath and closed her eyes before taking a single step forward, sending her plummeting into the black pit beneath her.

Slowly opening her eyes, Steph found herself back above the pit, her father holding her in his arms. “See,” Ian said, “That wasn’t too bad was it?”

Steph shook her head excitedly.

“Now why don’t we try again without closing your eyes?”

Ian let Steph down and let her run off the edge once more, her laughter echoing down into the abyss below.

Returning from her memories, Steph took several steps backward before running forward and making a running leap. Soaring over the gap, Steph held her breath until she reached the other side, just barely regaining her balance without falling backwards into the abyss below. Then, with a smile, she continued onward into the new land she had entered.

Near the edge of the Kingdom of Silver was the town of Coin, a small backwater town filled with the most rotten scum the kingdom could offer. It was the perfect starting place for Steph’s journey.

Walking into the town with the confidence of a hero returning from battle, Steph looked at the shady people staring daggers back at her. Ignoring them, Steph walked into a tavern with a sign hanging on the door depicting a broken shield.

“Welcome, miss,” a bald man standing behind the bar said with a toothy grin, “How can I help you?”

Answering quickly, Steph said, “Table for two, please.”

“Expecting company?” the barkeep chuckled, “Alright, pick a seat.”

The place was empty except for the barkeep and Steph, so Steph just picked a table away from the entrance and propped her feet upon it. Then, she took a quick look at a clock on the wall over the bar to see that it was just before noon.

“A bit quiet in here for noontime,” Steph noted.

The barkeep nodded. “Most people around here aren’t as brave as you are, miss.”

Before Steph could question what that meant, a loud thump at the door caught both her and the barkeep’s attention. A large man with a toad-like face walked in to the tavern, kicking the door in with his heavy boots.

“Me and my boys are thirsty,” the toad-faced man snarled, “Give us all the booze you got!”

The barkeep nodded politely, though fear was still visible in his eyes. “Of course,” he stammered, “Would you like anything else?”

“Bring us a round of food too,” the toad-faced man ordered, “And make it quick!”

“Right away,” the barkeep said as he ducked into the kitchen.

A crooked grin spread across the toad-faced man’s face until he turned to see Steph in the otherwise empty tavern.

“What the hell are you doing here?” the toad-faced man asked.

Steph took another glance at the clock over the bar. “I’m waiting on someone,” she said absentmindedly, “And he’s running late.”

The toad-faced man slammed his hands onto Steph’s table. “Well me and my boys have reserved the establishment, so I suggest that you and your friend find somewhere else to meet.”

Steph looked off to the side of the toad-faced man. As far as she could tell, the man and herself were the only two in the tavern.

“It looks like you’re the only one here, besides me,” she said, “There’s plenty of room in here.”

Growling, the toad-faced man replied, “Do you know who I am?”

Thinking for a moment, Steph answered, “Do you know who I am?”

The toad-faced man was flustered a bit by Steph’s response, but his snarling face returned. “I am Nathan Krak, and I’m in charge around here. The Adventurer’s Guild put a bounty on my head, so don’t go thinking I’m like the other lowlifes in this town.”

“That’s so cool!” Steph replied, her eyes lighting up with excitement, “How big is your bounty?”

Feeling that he’s finally getting the respect he deserves, Nathan Krak gave an unnatural-looking smile. “I’m worth 300 drachma!”

The excitement in Steph’s eyes disappeared. “Oh, only that much, huh?” she groaned, “How disappointing.”

His face turning red, Krak swung his fist at Steph, punching her through the tavern wall creating a cloud of dust and splinters of wood. “Maybe that will teach you some manners, girlie,” Krak sneered.

The dust cloud began to disperse as Steph stood to her feet. “So,” she muttered, rubbing the side of her face, “That’s a 300 drachma punch?”

Krak let out a roar of anger as he jumped toward Steph, swinging his arms again for another punch. “Why you little-!” he bellowed as he slammed his fist into the ground where Steph stood.

Steph quickly jumped out of the way, shielding her face from the dust and splinters that Krak’s punch sent into the air. “That’s enough out of you,” Steph said with a grin, her arm pulled back with a balled fist. Then, in a fluid motion, she drove her fist into Krak’s jaw, slamming the man into the ground at her feet.

Dusting off her hands, Steph looked around her to see the destroyed wall and tavern around her. Then, with a shrug, she began to walk back to her seat.

“Who-,” the voice of Krak whimpered, “-who are you? Are you from the Guild?”

Steph kicked her seat back and placed her feet back on the table. “The name’s Steph Petrol.”

“Petrol?” Krak gasped, “As in Ian Petrol, the Crime Lord with the million drachma bounty?”

“That’s right,” Steph beamed, “And I’m gonna be the one to surpass that bounty!”

The pain and absurdity of the situation being too much for him, Krak passed out in a pile of broken wood.

At that moment, the door to the tavern opened again. This time, the entrant was a man wearing a cape on his shoulders and a sword on his hip.

“Sorry I’m late, Steph,” the man said, “What did I miss?”

“Oh, Shirou!” Steph said, “Look, I just got us 300 more drachma!”

Shirou looked around the tavern. “Looks more like you smashed up the place,” he said in his monotone voice, “We should probably leave before someone makes you pay for this.”

“You’re probably right,” Steph said as she jumped to her feet, “Well, let’s get going!”

“Of course,” Shirou said, “After you, boss.”

With that Steph left the town of Coin with her companion, beginning an adventure that will change the world.