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Author Topic: Sensei's Affection  (Read 1772 times)

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Offline IAMAPHRODITE

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Sensei's Affection
« on: November 14, 2018, 09:10:53 PM »
This is what i got so far please give me some feed back 

{Furutani} Ever since I was little people bullied me, hated me, and despiesed me. Mother said it was because I look like father but the truth is I never met my father, Well that was until the day my mother died. She had gotten in a terrible fight with her Boyfriend and she fell out the window. Well that is what they told me anyways. I was with my childfriend Ono at that time getting a cake for her brithday. At the funeral my father took me by the hand and said “ Starting today you are no longer known as Rose your name shall be Furutani Haruko secound daughter of the Haruko family” and ever since my life has been complete Hell. 

{Ono}Yo Furutani we still going to the Mall   

{Furutani} This is my childhood friend Ono Tatsuya 

{Ono} What are you lookin at 

{Ono} Oh your new magazine   

{Furutani} Yes He is very nice   

{Furutani} sweet   

{Furutani} and any girl’s dream boy   

{Furutani} but he is not who I considerd a love intersist   

{Furutani} I say that because I am head over heels for his older brother   

{Furutani} Fukuyama Tatsuya our homeroom teacher   

{Fukuyama} Ok class quiet down 

Everybody goes to there seat   

{Fukuyama} I have some announcemeants 

{Fukuyama} first of the soccer team practice for today is canceled 

{Boy 1} Huh again   

{Boy 2) this is the second time 

{Boy 3) What the hell sensei 

{Fukuyama} *Sigh* and Furutani please see me after class   

{Fukuyama} That will be all   

They get up and leave upset   

{Ono} What did you do   

{Furutani} Maybe its because I skipped class to go to the book store   

{Ono} Well good luck   

{Furutani} He abanded 

Walks to Fukuyama   

{Furutani} You wanted to speak to me Fukuyama-nee 

{Fukuyama} Would you please tell me   

{Furutani} Y....yes   

{Fukuyama} *dark aura* Where you was at during 3rd period 

{Furutani} eeek   

She bows down   

{Furutani}*shaking* Im sorry Fukuyama-nee I went to the book store to buy the new volume of Boruto before it ran out   

{Furutani} I should have asked or told a teacher before I left 

{Fukuyama} so you missed my class time to go to a Book store   

[Furutani} Y...yes   

{Fukuyama} Ok I forgive you   

{Furutani} haah sensei im so 

Dark Aura   

{Furutani} Fukuyama-nee? 

{Fukuyama} *twitching smile* Detention 
+_+APHRODITE._.

Offline Coryn

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Re: Sensei's Affection
« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2018, 10:42:22 PM »
Hey welcome to MR! Please introduce yourself in the welcome center and tell us a little more about yourself!

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline suuper-san

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Re: Sensei's Affection
« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2018, 08:34:25 AM »
welcome to the forum!
I think for a start a little grammatical fixing, like question marks where questions are asked would be good. commas where there are pauses in the speech might make it a bit more natural to read as well. looking forward to any more you post!
Art: Manga / Fanart / Requests (closed) / Other | Manga Stories: Overdrive / Endlessness
Other: Tutorials / Craft | Feedback & Critique Welcome!!

Offline IAMAPHRODITE

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Re: Sensei's Affection
« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2018, 05:24:47 PM »
Thanks for the feed back and there will be more to come in the future
+_+APHRODITE._.

Offline IAMAPHRODITE

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SENSEI'S AFFECTION<NEW DRAFT>
« Reply #4 on: November 16, 2018, 03:19:56 PM »
Spoiler
<iframe src="https://onedrive.live.com/embed?cid=1009D7E234AE3CD2&resid=1009D7E234AE3CD2%21113&authkey=APU50-jWnv9dEP4&em=2" width="476" height="288" frameborder="0" scrolling="no"></iframe>
+_+APHRODITE._.

Offline Coryn

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Re: Sensei's Affection
« Reply #5 on: November 16, 2018, 07:43:03 PM »
Hey there Aphrodite. Looks like your link is having some issues. It'll really be easiest if you just copy past your work directly. No chance of broken links (or giving links people may be suspicious of), and it helps people get right to reading.

Also, I merged your topics. We ask that you please keep only one topic per story per board.

Thanks!

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF