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Author Topic: i need opinions on my introuction to my manga  (Read 177 times)

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Offline MilanTheAuthor

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i need opinions on my introuction to my manga
« on: August 15, 2018, 07:17:57 AM »
I'll just give you the intro



Deities are powerful beings of unknown origins, humans gave them this name because even though they are so powerful, they cannot physically affect the world in many ways.

The only way Deities can affect humans and their world is by making “contracts”

There are two known types of contracts, a partial contract which is when only some of the deities power is given to the human chosen. A full contract allows the human to communicate with its deity and also use as much power as it can take and also physically changes the human's body.


Every 4 years there is a tournament of Power Made by the deities, no one knows why they made the tournament, some people think its for amusement, some think the winner becomes a Deity, some even think that Deities do not even exist. But I will find out the truth, Because I am not like “normal people,” people say I was born with the devils' power by my side, some people say I am half human half God but, there’s one thing I know, I have the power to change EVERYTHING.

Offline JustHANO

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Re: i need opinions on my introuction to my manga
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2018, 05:08:51 PM »
A few things to think about for the future.
1. How does the tournament get ran by Deities if they can only make contracts with the people of the world?
2. If the tournament happens every 4 years, wouldn't people know what happens to the winner?

As for this as an intro I think it needs a few tweaks. At the very least I'd like to know the mc name. Then the rest is kinda preference and a critique so take it with a grain of salt.

If this isn't the first words of the story and instead is the description, I believe it'd work better not coming from the perspective of the mc and just being explained to us by the writer. This would allow you to explain things with more details, like....

I'd like some context clues on the setting. I assume it's the medieval type of time with castles and towns, but for all I know it could be modern day.

Other than a few grammatical mistakes, that's all I could find with the time I had. Let me know if you want me to point out the mistakes. Also let me know if this helped at all!

Offline legomaestro

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Re: i need opinions on my introuction to my manga
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2018, 10:22:05 PM »
Interesting premise. I imagine the world has turned the contract system into something mechanical rather than spiritual. It would be nice to know whatever the people in power (whether government, kingdom, elders) say that makes people think that dieties don't exist. And who exactly is the protaginist and who is he contracted to?

Offline MilanTheAuthor

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Re: i need opinions on my introuction to my manga
« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2018, 06:25:30 AM »
I've been thinking about the intro and I've made a new version, please tell me if this one is better

Offline JustHANO

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Re: i need opinions on my introuction to my manga
« Reply #4 on: August 17, 2018, 04:41:45 PM »
I don't see anything new i think lol.

Offline shinobispiral

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Re: i need opinions on my introuction to my manga
« Reply #5 on: August 20, 2018, 10:30:58 PM »
I agree with justHano with staying with the writer's perspective because of my personal preference of not having 1st person character narration. Other than that, i think it has a lot of potential.

One thing, if there is always tournaments and the character knows about them, doesn't he already know that dieties exist so he wouldn't have to find the truth about whether they do or not? (I just assumed from how you wrote it that the main character already knows)

maybe a solid motive would be nice. something a little less vague like.
ie: i want to become a diety(the tournament may or may not be a way to accomplish that)
  : I want to know my origins(why am i different/ have diety abilties?)

idk just throwing stuff out there

Offline suupertramp

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Re: i need opinions on my introuction to my manga
« Reply #6 on: August 23, 2018, 01:37:04 AM »
kinda reminds me of the tournaments in DBZ where a load of normal people were competing but it ends up being just the people who can use Kamahamaha and similar energy attacks, but the onlookers have no idea whats going on (at least for the first tournament(s) iirc)