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Author Topic: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Light Novel?  (Read 612 times)

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Offline JustHANO

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Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Light Novel?
« Reply #15 on: October 22, 2018, 05:29:31 PM »
Terrible grammar ahead!
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1. Fit physique filled his uniform to the brim, + Boxer =  a prime target for bullying throughout his school life.
2. Throw a punch at the coach.. Yeah, that is a "Nope!". you do not get away with that.
Dang hopped right into it. Ty so much for the criticism, i wish i had it before I started uploading it to royalroad, I wonder if it's ok to change it because you bring up some things I can agree, but let me first get started by defending myself.
 It more of a sticky situation type of bullying. The type where they taunt you over and over do whatever they want and if you react back violently, you're weeded out because you're already known for be the "Bad apple." ex: me, my whole middle school was a bunch of punching people and getting in trouble because my last name is Hooker lol. Also I want to say i made it pretty clear this is like a role reversed type of world. The geeks are cool the jocks are bullied, don't matter the size.

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Also this doesn't work as an intro to the gang leader. It feels like you felt you had to insert this whole gang leader bit.
Damn, thats kinda facts lol. I put this scene in afterwards because I wanted to make the next episode chapter all comedy. I didn't know exactly how to put it in, but I will contemplate changing this scene now.

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4. he was getting corner combo’d by a CPU.. followed up by his god of street fighter story. This doesn't work. People who can rock the best human players just brutalize an arcade machine. Fighting games run through the opponents and then your game is done. They do not have to set the difficulty high to get your money.
I was thinking more of a "I'm using a character I never use and facing Seth the final boss" type deal.

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5. "beat-em-ups" Oh, hell no!
I have nothing to say, you called me out and you got me. Might change it, might not, doesn't seem that big of a deal to me since I'm pretty sure the narrator says it anyways.

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So we are doing Wreck It Ralph and not My Hero Academia.
AKA the "Everyone is super except the main character who lacks a super power or has one that doesn't work but in the end will find he has the best power of all." shtick.
Nope. Gibby doesn't like his power, death isn't all that fun to experience. He'll be trying to use his power as little as possible. But yes, it is kinda like that cliche, cliches are used often because they work. I feel I'm playing very little into that cliche anyways.

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Doesn't work. Wrong size. Sure other people write stuff like this and it doesn't work when they do it either.
Facts. I was trying to set up a joke, but when I wrote the second part of the joke, i felt it was just not funny. I left in the gore scene because I expect to include his other deaths as gore scenes as well. When they happen >.>

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now with more "Groundhog's Day"
It won't be like that trust me. Never planned it to be.

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Tried to raise red flags? Wait you are not using "The Stupid Secret"
\
No, I hate that cliche more than I hate flashbacks. Flags are like run in's with a character in like visual novels. You want more flags with the girl of your choice as it makes certain events happen you know? He's trying to become friendly with her again, but it's not going in his favor because well her character isn't the nicest for her own reason. dang that was an awful explaination but eh, just know it makes sense.

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Gibby sure takes on a lot of stances for a helpless boxer who gets bullied all the time
Everyone has to fight back evenutally.

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For his 29th run this doesn't work AT ALL.
He never done this route before. I tried to make it seem like they were once friendly, friendly enough to have him sneak in her room through the window. I reread it and it seem pretty clear that what you're saying, is not what I was trying to say. But also, what I was trying to say isn't exactly written clear as day. I think it's alright enough tho.

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plagiarize this bit
BOI

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When stealing other people's stuff
Really? I'm using a cliche. I'm using the cliche and turning it so it doesn't happen as it usually does, just to set up a joke that she always in her hoodie.

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So why have it? Is it just for the title? Will this become more clear if I read more?
Are you old enough to remember arcades? Noa would be completely out of place there. The only women/girls ever seen there were looking for their children/boyfriends
Firstly, not going un-include women because they weren't in arcades back in the days. This is obvusly not the world we know; bullys are the geeks and games are this worlds sports. This world is more into high-scores than elite teams of gamers playing multiplayer games. Why are the roles reversed? because that's the type of world I wanted to explore.

Now the video games are there because that the landscape. I enjory video games, I think I can make some good jokes from the theme and my knowledge of them while also telling the story I want to tell. If you expect it to only be about gaming, I can warn you now, it's not. It has themes of self-worth, courage and as cliche as it is, loneiness and friendship.

what is a light novel. Yea you're basically right. Usually they have a few pictures in them, and they don't have to be on the internet.

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Personally I prefer to know if my house's roof is leaking, it is infested with rats, the couch is made of pure anthrax, and the kitchen is on fire.. and not how pretty my siding is.
Yea, me too. That's why I'm more glad you did this than salty that you're tearing me a new one lol.

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Groundhog's Day never explains it.

This ain't groundhogs day. Also being said, I ain't going to explain why everyone has powers, I'm just going to explain how his works. It not some mysterious force, he can use it at his wimp, but he don't want to really.

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As I go back through the page it looks like you are considering releasing this somewhere. I would polish it more before thinking about that. You will draw comparisons between your work and others, some of which may not be complimentary.
Wish I heard that before I did. But Yea I only see Scott pilgrim in comparison. Them exploding into coins wasn't REALLY the idea from Scott pilgrim, but Yea it don't matter what my intentions were. That being said, I expanded on the idea enough I think.

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. With Groundhog's Day being plagiarized
Never have I seen groundhogs day, but I'm highly sure there's a huge difference here. He has control over his power, the only thing that's a "reset" is the moon falling on earth. He can die any moment leading up to that, but since you don't die often (example, me, I'm alive) he only found his power through that event. He can change his save point anytime, but why would he ever give himself less time.

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Gibby vs Marmaduke. How is Marmaduke fighting Gibby at all?
Since you know boxing so much, you know weight matters and a street fight is much different from a boxing match. Plus Gibby was holding back... probably... atleast that what he said. (He was).

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"Nerds" pushing around boxers really doesn't work. 1 punch and the pencil neck breaks.
This guy had the body of a barrel with Popeyes arms, no neck lol. But seriously, some "nerds" have powers that could mess someone up bad without even fighting them you know? I haven't introduced a character who does, but in this world of power-ups it's ridiculous to assume everyone would fight with their hands.

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So killing is taboo or expected?

As you see later, he doesn't care about killing people. it's a common trope that people who show mercy get them put in sticky situations, I'm trying to show here that he doesn't teach his people to put themselves in those situaiton. That why Noa is so quick to kill off the peeping Gibby who "threatened" her.

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They all have super powers right? Why would they show up with trash? Superman never shows up with a broken bottle
I was thinking more realistically lol. Like the situaition where they get in a circle in the character ducks and they all shoot each other. I mean yea that person probably dies too, but if you did start shooting in a circle, you're bound to hurt your mates. I wanted it to be shown that Giovanni was trying to make his crew organized.

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5 people cannot adequately deal drugs to a whole city,
LMAO. No, they're more just acting out teens who like to fight. The Pholioshpy of why they form these gangs will be explained. But they are proposed, hyped up to be the strongest fighters and they're taking over the parts of the cities threaten to kill other gangs, which is taboo. If they have the power to do so, I ain't taking the chance to fight them. they're more West Side Story than MS13

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I f'ing hated f'ing Scott Pilgrim (the movie).
People read this all they are going to say is "Scott Pilgrim"
I love all of scott pilgrim, but i somehow forgot the last guy bursted into coins. Now looking into it, alot of them bursted into coins huh. Welp I planned to make this a existing problem in the world ( i have acutally) that just recently started. created a underground market and everything.

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Maybe Gibby's gift is that he is psychic
"Yea, but Alexander and another member are over here claiming the land. They have been clearing the streets this whole day." said Noa
"You're the other member?" said Gibby
meaning he came to the conclusion that she was helping clear out the streets. Come on now, I'm not your everyday run of the mill rookie.

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Alex removed his MMA gloves and stuffed them inside his jacket pocket.
]
Dang.... Maybe I am lol. You 100% got me there.

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You’re part of The Greats now and your responsibility is to control the North.

Do I tell you or just let it come up in the story? Assuming you're done reading since you seem very disappointed lmao, They "rule" over the terrority they live in, Alex is the fifth, he'll be the back-up If needed.

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Why does she care? She is from another world and has no idea what the coins are
I kinda explained it in the next chapter, but I don't think you will like the explanation because you pointed out a clear flaw. I'll defend it by saying she didn't care about the coins, she was just staying prepared to fight. Also he suggests it's a form of currency, which she knows what currency is. Actually, my explanation ain't as bad as I thought.

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The cat was there, it knows if there was dirty play.
He thinks it's a cat. he's just animal talking. Like when you see a dog and you speak to it not expecting it to speak back.

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s their power duplication? It seems like every power in the world requires a video game
There's more than just duplicates ;) But I never really planned for them to all be video game themed. I stopped trying at Scotty's power.

Thanks for the harsh feedback, now I'm rocking back and forward because I want to change so much O.O I'm probably just going to sneak some changes in and continue the uploads because I already started. I myself don't see it being near anything except for Scott pilgrim, that being it's stupid comedy and now I see clearly that them turning into coins came directly from my book memories of Scott pilgrim. I'll ask around and see how petty people think it is that it's the same idea, and I'll get rid of it if enough people say it is. I myself don't think it is.

TBH I kept writing but forgot about this site because no one had posted (not on my thread, just like in the writer section) for a long time. I guess I should upload those chapters >.>
« Last Edit: October 22, 2018, 06:00:16 PM by JustHANO »

Offline JustHANO

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Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Light Novel?
« Reply #16 on: October 22, 2018, 06:31:17 PM »
Chatper 4.
Spoiler
Gibby stood hopelessly in the arcade. The sound of other patrons enjoying their games was instead replaced with a sharp, clicking staccato. It was school hours, so the only people in the arcade was the few who Gibby desperately tried to get the attention of.
“It’s been a week, and though we took a blow losing Noa, I believe we can still make this work guys. It might seem peaceful over North,” “Way safer,” a voice chimed in only to be ignored. “But it’s just the calm before the storm. We’re on thin ice here; if anyone does anything that ticks Alex off, he won’t show mercy. That’s his motto. He’s as heartless as they come.” His speech fell on deaf ears, the listeners only focusing on the constant clicks that filled the room.
 “Speaking of heartless, what happened to you Tessa? You took advice from Alex and actually bought yourself a shield with that guy's remains?”
“Giovanni.”
“Whatever. He may not have had a family, but what about his gang, what if they wanted a proper burial,” Tessa failed to answer the question, too focused on the task at hand.
“HELLO?!”
“They said to keep his change would only remind them of their lost, their weakness. Plus they are the one that showed me the black market’s middleman to buy from,” she recalled the cloaked figure only remark of ‘What are ya buying?’. “It would be wrong to hunt a bear and not use its pelt. I paid my respect yet you do not even remember his name,” was what she said, but Gibby hearing cut off at ‘black market’.
“You’re using the black market now? It’s only been a week and you’re already corrupted by this city.”
“I will use any means possible to hunt down the wicked one.”
“It’s been 2 weeks since you got here and still no signs of the ‘wicked one.’”
“I was referring to the cat.” Gibby concluded he was getting nowhere. “Any… means… possible.”

“Okay, calm down there Jerry.” Scotty didn’t look up from the table, he clearly had to be in Doki-Doki time to come up with such an awful joke in such a tense spot.
“Next time we’re finding somewhere else to have these meetings, you guys are too distracted.”
“When I said ‘at the table in the arcade’, it was obviously a joke”
“A pretty terrible one. I thought there was an actual table here. Turns out you meant the air hockey table.”
And with that, a loud clank changed the 6-6 score to 6-7. Scotty celebrated his victory loudly. Tessa stood there amazed that she was defeated. The two grade schoolers who were on the sideline watching joined in with Scotty.
“Beat it Scrub.” The two kids turned to the angry Gibby and stuck out their tongues. “Let's go Cake-Walk.” “Sure, but not I’m leaving because he said so. I just want to go.” They finished their taunt with hand-made L and vanished deeper within the arcade.

“Man you guys are useless; Where’s Josh when you need him.”
“Josh goes to school. Plus he’d be on our side anyway.”
“And what side is that?” Scotty took a deep breath trying to calm himself.
“You have no goal, Gibby. What are we going to do, defeat The Greats with the power of friendship? And after that what? The world would magically not end in a month because we beat your rival?”
“It’s worth a shot.”
“I don’t know why you dragged me into this. I’m useless, I’m weaker than you and you don’t even have a power-up,” he said as he was walking away.
“You can not be as bad as you say,” Scotty stopped to hear what Tessa had to say.
“With the demonstration of wit and reactions in this game hockey, you could probably be a good fighter, Rude One.”
“Naw. I just got lucky.” Scotty tried to sell the lie, but Gibby wasn’t going to let him.
“Naw, you just cheated,” Gibby proclaimed
“Cheated?” They both asked in unison.
“ Yea, you use your little power-up whenever you’re about to lose at anything.”
“Use?! Don’t act like I have a choice.”
“So what. You can’t admit to cheating afterward?.”
“No. No no no no, that's not how this is going down. Just because you have no power-up doesn’t mean I should hold back.”
“It was a man to man fight! You had no chance in the battle and no chance with Noa.” both boys were at each other necks at this point.
“I’m not one to throw away my shot.”
“Well good job, you ruined what we had and you’re ruining this friendship by being a stubborn  scaredy cat.”
“... What friendship, we just go to the same arcade.” Scotty and Gibby both walked away from one another, each of them satisfied with the conclusion they reach. Tessa looked back and forth between the two, “what about a cat?” She ended up running to catch up with Scotty, assuming she would see Gibby back at his house.

Tessa caught up to Scotty who was settling in at a House of the Dead machine. The ranking screen was filled with three letter names that consisted of the same letters. When stacked on top of one another they almost spelled out Scott, but the highest score at 87,314 was different than the rest, instead spelling out ‘EZZ’, ruining the stylish stunt. Scotty swiped his membership card and placed one coin on the machine before stuffing the rest into his pocket. Tessa watched for a moment as Scotty breezed through the start of the game.

“You seem to be doing well.”
“Yea, I play this game a lot.”
“I am talking about how well you took that argument.” Scotty continued playing without missing a beat, using his power-up to concentrate fully on both the game and the conversation.
“I was just telling the truth. We both knew Noa, so we hung out. Now that she’s gone, what's the use. I don’t know anything about him besides he’s good at Street Fighters and has no power-up.”
“He says he has a power-up and has seen the future with it.”
“You’re just too gullible. He just made that up so we’d fight his battle for him. He knows what would happen if he faced Alex again so he’s sending us in.”
“Again you say?”
“ Alex and Gibby use to be sparring partners, you didn’t know? Alex was just a nerd before he met Gibby. He was for some reason fascinated with the idea of fighting in real life, so he asked Gibby to train him. That’s when quiet little Alex started to become morbid. All he could talk about was his interest in gangs and fighting. He had only ever fought in the boxing ring, he wanted to go all out, see if someone stood a chance if he used his power-up.” Scotty grew silent with regret, he was over-explaining.
“Did he find someone?” Tessa wanted to hear more and she wasn’t the only one. The two grade-schoolers, Scrub and Cake-walk, were once listening to a story from Scotty.
“Obviously not. He never lost to anyone. Not his first rounds versus Gibby or anyone he could find on the street. He became a legend. He was like a final boss in a fighting game, just too unfair to fight against, so he took precautions and limited himself. To this day he never used his power-up again.”
“And he stopped training with Gibby I assume.”
“Yea, but that was a long time ago. It was when Alex first started becoming louder. He voiced his outlook on the world and Gibby disagreed. So when Alex became a street fighter, Gibby resented him. But it wasn’t until Alex started a gang Gibby called him out. You see, Gibby wants nothing more than a peaceful world, where violence doesn’t go unpunished, so his friend making gang didn’t sit well with him. That’s where Alex and Gibby fought for the last time.” Scotty paused, only for dramatic effect. 
“Then what?”
“He lost.”
“And what of Alex? What was his outlook of the world. What does he want.”
“Who knows. That man is a brick wall now.” silence overtook the audience before the grade schooler erupted into an applause.

“You seem to know a lot about Gibby for someone who does not know anything about him.”
“I heard all that from Alex. We went to the same school before we became delinquents who skip every other day. Now we never see each other.”
“So you knew Gibby from your relationships with Alex and Noa, but you do not see him as a friend.”
“Nope”
“Believable... Tell me about what happened between you two and Noa.”
“I don’t know about that. You’re not my therapist and I’m not a storyteller. You’re gonna have to start paying me for these.”
“I can do that.”
“You already owe me for the lawn mower you caused me to lose.”
“Hurry along Rude One, we all know you love to tell a good story.”
“Yea, you’re right, it’s just… I don’t know the full story. It’s not like the Noa story is complicated, it just hurts to recall and speculate where it all went wrong…” but he tried anyway.

While Scotty reminisced about all their time with Gibby, Noa was enjoying a game of Smash Bros. Link sends the opposing Bowser off the side of Smashville, ending the 4-way match. Noa melts into the couch now that the win is under her belt.  The couch is filled with the other members of The Greats, one a little angrier than the rest. The man towered over them on the couch, barely fitting due to his muscles. He attempts to throw the controller at the tv, but the band wrapped around his wrist sends it flying back into his face.
“I WILL LITERALLY SMASH YOU,” He yelled at the controller that was too small for his hands.
“Haha, right Darius? You’re way too good at games Noa,“ The girl on the other side peeked around the huge arm of Darius to look Noa in the eyes.
“Fighting games are just my thing. You always beat me at foosball.”
“Yea, let's play that next!”
“EVERYTHING IS TOO SMALL! I WANT TO PLAY UNO LYRA!” Darius yelled into her face.
“Fine, but if you use your height advantage to cheat, I’m quitting.”
The gang stood up and formed a very diverse line while making their way to the hideouts table.

Darius was of abnormal size, hanging over the rest. He was brown and nearly shaved bald, wearing a tank top and shorts that were both too small for him. Lyra dressed with very little care about others opinions. She wore a dragon onesie that was all green except at the paw and back spikes, which were orange and yellow respectively. Lyra was about the same height as Noa, who dressed in the usual hoodie and skirt, this time choosing a blue and purple striped hoodie. The last guy looked very out of place. Instead of looking like someone straight out of a cartoon, he looked normal. He was a young Asian man, wearing jeans with a black jacket and white shirt under. He was too distracted by his phone to join in the conversation. Although his face was buried into his screen, he made his way around the place like he knew it all too well. It was probably because it was his basement. They sat at the table, for a moment before Darius returned with the cards, and thus began the longest game Uno they would ever play.

About an hour later, footsteps could be heard upstairs. Everyone knew who it was, but they didn’t expect the guest. Lyra sat her 20 plus cards on the table in frustration. Noa looked about, not certain what changed the status quo. She saw Darius put his couple of cards next to the seven that had never been touched.
“Wassup with you guys?”
“Alex is here, and he’s with… something.” Lyra overreacted, calling forth her bubble sword before opening it and taking out the wand. “Could be dangerous.”

Alex walked down the stairs, managing to keep a straight face as Lyra jumped out from around the corner. “RAWR.” She surprised him with a hug, so he half hugged her back. She held on for way too long, so Alex had to wrestle her off. “Get off Lyra, we have a guest.” Everyone watched as the black cat made it way down the stairs.
“SHE SO *censored*ING CUTE,” Darius said, getting up to pet the cat.
“Slow down there Lennie, Skull doesn’t like to be pet.” Alex chuckled at his own joke a bit, thinking about how close he sounded to Scotty.
“That’s a dumb name for such a harmless cat.” Noa bent down and beckon the cat over to her.
“Quiet peasant. You do not know of your ignorance so you will be forgiven.” The cat shocked the room with its thunderous voice. Noa didn’t seem to happy about the insult. “I am Skull Cat, but you may call me Skull for short. I am not from your world and I don’t pussyfoot around. I want to end this world so I may become powerful another to end my own.” The more he talked, the more wicked his cute yet unchanging face seemed. “I promise your safety, in return, I will use you as my pawns. Slowly as I get to know you, I expect someone out of you bunch of lowly weak-realmers to prove yourself above the rest. When such a feat happens, I will allow you to become my host, using your body as a tool to channel my magic through.” The gang's feelings towards the cat made a complete 180. He was met with glares from most the members. “Let's do it, guys!”

Everyone turned to Alex, who seemed sold on Skull’s ridiculous plan. “Come on, doesn’t it seem fun?”
“What the hell are you talking about. We should kill this rodent before he escapes and follow thru with the plan with some other gang,” Noa said as she created 2 dogs on each side of Skull. Skull showed fear and back up against the wall.
“Hold on you no brain scum. I’m enlisting your help because this body is weak, I can not pass this trail.”
“We don’t even let Darius get away with insults like that.”
“I WILL BEAR HUG YOU TO DEATH. BAD KITTY!”
“Hold on guys, let’s have a quick huddle and then let’s decide.” Alex stepped over to his gang, putting his arms around the ladies and leading this over to the table.
“But but.”
“I can’t let him escape, he’s trying to destroy the world, Alex.”
“Noa just sit down and listen for a sec’.”

The group whispered among each other, making sure Skull couldn’t hear a word.
“Okay, just listen. This cat is weak. He can’t do nothing alone, he’s been living with me for a week and been in this world for two and hasn’t been able to do nothing but run. He needs us, all we need to do is fake like we’re his pawns.”
“WHAT’S IN IT FOR US,” Darius yelled, prompting everyone to shush him.
“You guys? You get nothing. It’s just a me thing this time. But, I’ll owe you guys for doing this. Just pretend for me. Until I get what I need.” Their looks didn’t change, no one was for sure how things would turn out. They were scared and at the same time annoyed by the hellfiend.
“Don’t make me beg guys. We’re just baiting him basically. He’ll never figure out.”
“BECAUSE HE’S DUMB RIGHT?” Alex looked back at the Skull who didn’t seem bothered by Darius comment.
“Yes, because he’s dumb,” Alex said just loud enough for Skull to hear. The gang turned all at once and peaked over at Skull. He didn’t mind at all. They all giggled in their huddle.
“Fine, but if he keeps being an ass I’ll have to teach him a lesson.” Noa agreed for the group and they broke the huddle.

“Okay Skull, we’re in," Noa said, being the bigger man.
“Hm, maybe I decided your lot is not fit for my project.”
“What did you say?” Noa was now visibly showing her anger
“On second thought, I’ll allow this. You, Alexander, introduce your soldiers to me.”
“Um, sure. The one who ignored everything up to this point over there is Tyree, you can call him Ty…”
“No Idiot, Their ranks. I don’t need names, they haven’t earned enough respect to hear their names from my mouth.”
“You’re literally the worst,” Lyra spoke up from the back.
“Well let me see. Big guy over there is the second. I’m first, then third is phone guy over there. After that is dragon onesie over there, and then dog lady.”
“So she’s the weakest. I could smell it when I walked in. You’re off the team.”
“WHAT?!” The room was filled with confused chatter.
“SILENCE. She’s the weakest, she off. She looks like she has seen very few battles.”
“She stays.”
“What? Know your place scoundrel, I was just starting to like you.”
“Listen here you stray, you talk out of line to anyone, here again, I’ll shave you hairless and stick you in the fridge.” Skull laughed at the threat but knew Alex would do much worse if he didn’t listen. He contemplated finding a new gang, but before he could even speak again Alex announced.
“Okay then, You’re apart of The Greats now. I’ll buy you a cute little sweater so hopefully, Tessa won’t recognize you. It’ll also show you’re like part of the crew so no one would mess with you.  Also, we run the whole city basically, so don’t go running off now. You know what they say, ‘When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way.’”
“Sure…”
“Yep, if you have nothing nice to say, don’t speak at all.” Lyra chimed in, now excited to have a cute cat.
“LET ME PET YOU FOWL MOUTH KITTEN.”
“Stay back you huge dunce! Someone stop him!”
Noa zoned out, wondering what was up Alex’s sleeve. [Tessa? That was that girl Gibby was with. I wonder what she has to do with this. And does it involve Gibby as well?]

It was dusk when Gibby arrived at home. Because he was in his uniform, even though he didn’t go to school this entire week, he was getting weird looks from the locals on the walk home. [I’m getting dirty looks. Is this how Scotty and Alex feel when they’re wondering the streets. They must know I’m not a normal student. A normal student wouldn’t be walking around near night, they’d be doing their homework. A normal student wouldn’t… be standing outside my house?] At Gibby's house was a girl from his school. He couldn’t tell who it was from the back, but she had on the uniform. She peeked over the gate, too afraid to go and knock.
“What are you doing here?”

“Oh my god I’m so sorry to bother you I just live over north so I decided to deliver you some notes from school because you missed an entire week and Ms Valerie in particular felt really bad because you two left off on the wrong foot and she wanted to make sure you didn’t become a delinquent or anything.” She didn’t make time for a breath. Gibby was only able to keep up with her last statement. She looked at his hand, bloody and scraped up.
“Oh.”
“No it’s not like that. I punched a wall.”
“Oh.” Her judgemental oh’s cut deep, but what Gibby said was true. He tried finding someone to start a fight with, but Alex has truly made over North clean of any gangs.
“You were fighting Marmaduke last time you were at school.”
“I know, I was there.”
[I actually have no idea who this girl is. I think she’s in my class, but she never talks.]
“So, who are you?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m Kate”
She readjust her glasses and long brown hair, trying to make a good impression.
“Well I’m sorry too Kate, but I’m not really in the mood for anything.”
“What’s wrong.”
“The world.” They sat there for a moment. Gibby was expecting eye roll or a ‘oh’ or another breathless paragraph, but she just waited.
“It just that, the world sucks. The police let anyone do anything on the streets. They’re more scared for their lives than they care for everyone's well being.” he paused, kinda wanting her to stop him so he didn’t have to rant, but she just continued waiting.
“It’s been at least 15 years since people started getting power-ups and the government refuses to evolve. ‘We’re working on a branch to deal with them’. That was 14 years ago they said that. Now they just let kids rule the streets. And if they do come, best know someone’s going to die. They act like they’ve haven’t been trained for this. No patience, if the cops see you disobeying them you’re getting shot. They don’t care that we’re just kids and teens. We barely listen to our parents and they expect us to listen to them knowing their history. Then we as a society have become desensitized to this. We not only joke about and join in on the violence, now we’re disrespecting their deaths by not giving them a proper burial. Like a piggy bank? Really? They were people too damn it; give them a proper service, give them a proper burial and give them a proper coffin!”
[Oh god, she listened to all of that. I was hoping she’d stop me. This is embarrassing...]

Kate gave Gibby a small applaud as a response, which made Gibby happy and embarrassed at the same time.
“Sorry for the rant. I’m one to be talking huh? I’m a hypocrite anyways. Here I am, looking for a fight instead of going to school.”
“It’s not your fault, you’re just a product of this new *censored*ed up world.”
“Yea,”
“This world sucks.” They said in unison to Gibby’s surprise.
“Jink!” Kate said as a devilish smile ran across her face.

Offline Crackhead Johny

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Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Light Novel?
« Reply #17 on: October 23, 2018, 06:44:15 PM »
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Damn, thats kinda facts lol. I put this scene in afterwards because I wanted to make the next episode chapter all comedy. I didn't know exactly how to put it in, but I will contemplate changing this scene now.
That is what I figured. a copy/paste + editing and that whole section can be reused when he shows back up.

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Nope. Gibby doesn't like his power, death isn't all that fun to experience. He'll be trying to use his power as little as possible. But yes, it is kinda like that cliche, cliches are used often because they work. I feel I'm playing very little into that cliche anyways
This is a hard one to work through and still retain suspension of disbelief.
If you had a reset point, what could you do? If your were a teenager who was one death away from erasing everything you did, what would you do?
This is equivalent of "God's forgiveness" as an ability and eventually all you have to live with is yourself. Finally figured out how to rob the reserve bank? Save point.
Caught in the girl's shower room? Eat a 9 and reload.
In your world I'd have aircraft hangers full of original arcade cabs and a solid gold house (or a normal house and 27 underground floors full of "the good stuff", I'd be making up a new "dead uncle" every day.
Sure it sucks to die but the pay out is HUGE.
So is Gibby smart enough to figure this out? If he is not then it is a null point.

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I'm pretty sure the narrator says it anyways.
So the narrator is new to arcades... or the mother/GF of someone who lives there. (Interesting angle)

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The geeks are cool the jocks are bullied, don't matter the size.
Biology. When women in HS are judging men as acceptable in HS they are primarily doing it based on aesthetics. They do not care that he is quarterback, they care that he is man candy.
Believe me you do not want to end up in a dorm room with a promising center who has never been laid while his (going to get an MBA) roommate quarterback has women literally lined up outside his door.
We fight and claw for suspension of disbelief. We are not allowed to give it away easily. Well have to plug our characters and worlds into people's brains. When we screw up we become a Marvel TV series.

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Everyone has to fight back evenutally.
but he is 1/10th of a second from payback... Always. *punch* *thump*

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BOI
What does this mean? It was a lizard meme years ago.

pla·gia·rize
/?pl?j??r?z/
verb
verb: plagiarize; 3rd person present: plagiarizes; past tense: plagiarized; past participle: plagiarized; gerund or present participle: plagiarizing; verb: plagiarise; 3rd person present: plagiarises; past tense: plagiarised; past participle: plagiarised; gerund or present participle: plagiarising

    take (the work or an idea of someone else) and pass it off as one's own.
    synonyms:   copy, infringe the copyright of, pirate, steal, poach, appropriate; More
    informalrip off, crib, “borrow”, pinch
    "he was fined for plagiarizing a song"
        copy from (someone) and pass it off as one's own.

" take (the work or an idea of someone else) and pass it off as one's own."
This is every cliche and cardboard cut out.
If you are not playing by comedian rules, this is the norm.
We are looking at TS Elliot here
"Talent imitates, genius steals"
Neither of us will eve be TS Elliot. all this shows is that among writers, plagiarism is the norm. In jr high it fails the assignment for you. In Sr high it fails the class for you. In college it gets you expelled from your nice ivy league. In Hollywood/anime it wins you awards and gets you paid.
In comedy you have to be fresh and clean. A few screw ups with mechanical humor and you are done. You go to live with other joke stealers like Carlos Mencia.
"OMG did you see the news? Carlos Mencia was just arrested for drugging and r4ping over 50 women.. and he still claims he is not stealing Cosby's bits.".. OK so my comedy is not nice/family friendly.
When you look at top level pro writers in Hollywood they talk about "other people's Legos" as the norm and which bit they would steal to fix which problem.
Only comedy requires you to run clean. I suspect this is the reason the Oscars will never give a comedy best pic. The other "writers" hate comedians.
Right now I'm working in parody which allows me to find the most plagiarized things, steal them again, and twist them to the point of being ridiculous. This is cheat mode.
When you are plagiarizing the trick is to turn right (NASCAR is what people expect and that is all left turns)

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Never have I seen groundhogs day,
Buy it on Blu Ray, it has to be ~10$ and will ruin a lot of episodes of TV you see on Netflix (Ugh filler/retcon ep!). There is a reason it gets ripped off left and right. It is one of the greats. It gave us something new.
When someon sees your stuff as a copy of someone else you have to check it out.
Forever ago in a bit I was just writing for flavoring in a gmae someone said "OMG you took that from Snowcrash! I loved that book!"
So I read the book, the part looked like it was taken line for line. It was a brown pants moment.

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As you see later, he doesn't care about killing people.
Neither does Noa it seems... or others. This suggests you are wanderings towards Gibby being the guy  who"Plays by his own code".

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Thanks for the harsh feedback,
I expect more from you and the others here than I do from the Hollywood or Netflix hack/trash writers (or as I refer to them "Sh!tmasons".)

I expect Akira, The Brothers Karamazov, The Iliad, The Lord of the Ring, I expect greatness. PS: The Brothers Karamazov kind of sucked.
If you were already making money in Hollywood you would just be using other peoples's Legos for the rest of your life. As you are now, this is when you get to make something amazing before the money demands you do things they have seen before.

I point out where your blade is flawed, I do not say you cannot smith a new blade for King Arthur.

Due to the difficulties moving the moon into the earth I'm guessing this will be the result of a power.. perhaps one from the arcade game Boong-Ga Boong-Ga.

I will try to get to chapter 4 later.
« Last Edit: October 23, 2018, 07:00:05 PM by Crackhead Johny »

Offline Crackhead Johny

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Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Light Novel?
« Reply #18 on: October 23, 2018, 07:28:25 PM »
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‘black market’.
This is the guy who can sell you weed. This is the guy who knows a guy who can sell you a gun out from under his seat. This is not a bazaar you can just find out about.

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“A pretty terrible one. I thought there was an actual table here. Turns out you meant the air hockey table.”
And with that, a loud clank changed the 6-6 score to 6-7.
I would have stuck with table cabinet (Galga, pacman, etc). Air hockey makes clicks, not loud clanks.. or metal clanks of any sort.
Is it to cover for Tessa being surprised to be beaten in a game of speed, coordination and reflex, instead of a "modern" cab, against someone who was cheating using a power?

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so the only people in the arcade was the few who Gibby desperately tried to get the attention of.
He is good at fighting games right? Who does he want to get the attention of? If there is a hierarchy then the talent along with some hacks will find him in front of his preferred game and they will set their quarter next to all the other quarters from the people waiting to play him. They eventually put cheap plastic quarter racks on arcade machines for this custom.

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The world would magically not end in a month because we beat your rival?”
Gibby has a rival? Marmaduke mainly?
So far Alex seems more like a mentor. Is this a "steal the stone from the master's palm"/"first you must defeat the master!" thing?

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Smash Bros
In a real arcade cab?

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“So you knew Gibby from your relationships with Alex and Noa, but you do not see him as a friend.”
“Nope”
“Believable... Tell me about what happened between you two and Noa.”
¿que?
We have friends who we drift apart from and in worst cases will only look upon us again at our funerals. Still friends, just ones who wonder if all the reasons we drifted apart were worth that.

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He knows what would happen if he faced Alex again so he’s sending us in.”
I'm still not seeing a reason to face Alex.

OK the formatting is getting a little rough. I think I will try to read the rest later.

Offline JustHANO

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Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Light Novel?
« Reply #19 on: October 24, 2018, 04:20:37 PM »
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Biology. When women in HS are judging men as acceptable in HS
Naw. In HS people do a lot of things just for popularity. If everyone in this world thought gaming was cool, the best gamers would be more popular. popularity attracts fake friends. So not only would they be getting game from girls who were acutally into games (in this world that would be more than usual.) they'd also get attention from girls buying into HS popularity crap.

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but he is 1/10th of a second from paybac
Gibby likes a fair fight, even if he'd lose or if its quicker if he just sucker punch the guy.

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This is a hard one to work through and still retain suspension of disbelief.
Might be morals. Might have done that in one of his few tries. Might be that the world ducking ends in a month or 2 so he should probably try to stop that before doing anything dumb, thats atleast the reasoning I'm going off.

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pla·gia·rize
I don't know if I want to argue over what would count as plagiarism or not. It seems we're probably just going to be pouring water in each other straws. I would just like to say I don't see using cliches/tropes as plagiarism. paying homage and building on ideas I wouldn't either, like where'd would we be if no one "plagiarised" superpowers?
 
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someone said "OMG you took that from Snowcrash
My steam name was FlashBangedYourMom and someone said "you got that from this youtube series" I'm like no... I just came up with it. It was in the series. just random story. That being said I'll watch the movie.


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Neither does Noa it seems... or others
Noa is being influenced by Alex and Tessa is "not from this world" she says. No one else has killed.

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I expect Akira,
Dang, It's my first story. I'll get there some day. That being said, Lord of the Ring seems to have a world of "other peoples legos"/cliches. Just saying.

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I would have stuck with table cabinet (Galga, pacman, etc). Air hockey makes clicks, not loud clanks.. or metal clanks of any sort.
Is it to cover for Tessa being surprised to be beaten in a game of speed, coordination and reflex, instead of a "modern" cab, against someone who was cheating using a power?
Bingo, kinda yea basically. I would argue the sound they makes are clanks, but the literal definition disagrees with me so... clicks it is.

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so the only people in the arcade was the few who Gibby desperately tried to get the attention of.
You're reading too deep. I' m just saying he was giving a speech of sorts and he was trying to get their attention but they were too focused on the game.

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Gibby has a rival?
In Scotty eyes, doesn't mean it's correct.

Smash bros
they aren't in an arcade. That being said, I go to a bar that's an arcade and it has smash bros hook up on the big screen.

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¿que?
It comes up.

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I'm still not seeing a reason to face Alex.
Same with Scotty, he doesn't see a reason why either.

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formatting is getting a little rough
Tell me more. Are the paragraphs too long or is the mixing of actions and dialog too much?