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Author Topic: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Light Novel?  (Read 664 times)

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Offline JustHANO

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GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Light Novel?
« on: August 14, 2018, 08:40:04 PM »
First sorry for the format I know it will probably suck.

This is GAME[SAVE/LOAD] it's my first LN/Manga that I've written in a LN style for now. I would love any and all critique as I am always trying to better my work. This story is greatly inspired by Scott Pilgrim VS The World at how it's world will be a very silly and relaxed one where nonsense seems to make the most sense. While it may be goofy at times I still want to keep a serious tone when it comes to the lessons and morals of the storys.

SUMMARY - In a world where kids are being born with supernatural abilities called power-ups, our main character, Gilbert,  is born without one. That, plus the fact that he was never good at non-fighting game made him a prime target for bullying throughout his school life. But now, during his junior year of highschool, he discovers his true powers. Still, it's isn't all fun and games because his new powers lead him on a world-saving mission that has him wishing he never had any!

Spoiler
The edge of the large room was lined with arcade machines that painted the walls a variety of color, their title screens calling out to the students. This was the Arcade Club training room, which explained why the only other things on the wall is the bell and the dusty old clock. The clock read ten past three, not caring about the actual time. The dishonest clocks ticking was drowned out by the argument among the club members.

“Ask anyone Ghillie, no one would miss you if you quit. You’re actually just going to weigh us down in the baton round.”
Both of the boys are wearing their dark green school uniforms, but amidst the training rooms lights, they're painted an array of colors. Gilbert slim more fit physique filled his uniform to the brim, throwing off the outfits darker color base with his bright blonde messy hair. Marmaduke stood around the same height as Gilbert, he was more round and ape-like with dark hair and skinny forearms that got huge near the elbows. Gilbert takes a step closer to Marmaduke as a small crowd gathers. Marmaduke laughs at the gesture.

“I don’t know if you’ve forgotten meathead, but you’re powerless. You’re nothing but a jock. So just because you took some boxing lessons doesn’t mean you can one-v-one me.”
Gilbert clenches his fist and takes a stance. He readies up a punch, but before he can move the coach comes between them
“This is arcade club, not a game. You either you leave the punches for Punch-Out or you can throw them at me!” Coach Reggie barked.
Coach Reggie towered over the two, facing Gilbert with his hands cross. He was an amazing professional gamer back in his days and now he’s training the next generation here at North Lowry High. Gilbert couldn’t help but gawk at how Reggie was so built even though he was a nerd. Gilbert could feel the pressure of the other club members on his back, he couldn’t back down now or he might as well just listen to Marmaduke and leave. “I hope you don’t regret saying that," Gilbert said before taking a stance.

Reggie stands over him with his arms still crossed, calling Gilbert's bluff. Gilbert cocks back his arm all the while taking a step forward. Head now tucked Gilbert follows thru, making for a powerful punch. Reggie is brushed by its shockwave as the punch stops short of his face. The crowd all flinch as the wind picks up, momentarily blinding them. Reggie didn’t move at all, arms still crossed now wearing an irritated look on his face as Gilbert’s changed to worried.

[He didn’t flinch...]
He didn't flinch. The wind generated by Gilberts’ punch died down and the crowd stood in shock. Gilbert didn’t hit the Coach but instead knocked off his red and white cap that he had always worn. The arcade machines betrayed the Coach, once his tools for teaching now shined upon his head. Their combined effort cast a glare over the crowd, blinding them once again. Blood-curdling screams could be heard.
No one could see Coach Reggies’ face turn more and more red as he reached his boiling point. He leaned back, fully preparing for his turn to shake the room.
“IF I DON’T SEE HANDS STUCK TO JOYSTICKS RIGHT NOW, I’ll GET THE GORILLA GLUE AND DO IT MYSELF.”
His words blew wind across the room. That didn’t stop the club members from finding an arcade machine as quickly as possible. Coach Reggie turned to the boy who pushed him to his boiling point.
“AND YOU. GET TO THE TETRIS MACHINE NOW, I WANT 4 IN A ROW.”
Reggie then turned around to Marmaduke.
“WHAT ARE YOU STILL STANDING THERE FOR? Get back on your Donkey Kong Jr sticks before I have you stacking blocks with this blockhead.”
Giving Gilbert a light knock on the head as he says that. Gilbert was still stunned. He hadn’t moved since his attempted punch. Marmaduke walked away, sticking his tongue out as Reggie turned around.

“You heard me Gilbert. Get to it, before I add more.”
Gilbert cracks a nervous smile, “Sorry Coach, I forgot the clock here is two hours off.”
He starts to head toward the door, along the way tossing Reggie the hat he had knocked off. The throw was off, proving that the glare was even too powerful for his eyes.
“If you leave Gilbert you’re as good as done.”
The Coach's words followed Gilbert out the door. He picked up speed in the hallways of the school, eventually slamming through the entrance door emerging outside with the sun that lit up the urban neighborhood. Kids from other clubs had just been let out so he slowed down to make his way through traffic.

Looking to arrive at the arcade faster, Gilbert takes a shortcut through the alley. Turning the last corner too fast, he ends up lightly bumping into a tall teen in a red and gold uniform. Presuming the only person that tall that went to Ford Western High was his friend he spun around in a fighting position, ready to play fight. 
“Use your head before you…" He was saying through a smile before he noticed who he was actually talking to. It was Alex, also known as Alexander, the notorious gang leader of The Greats. He wore the Ford Western uniform though you'd never catch him in school. His wild brown hair blew in the wind as he clenched his MMA gloves together.
“Before what Gibby… I lose it?”
Gilbert stood up tall but was still a few inches short of Alex.
“I've never lose at anything, especially not a fight. You should know that yourself.”
“Cool, you just got done training?”
“No, I just wear these everywhere,” Alex replied, motioning at his MMA gloves.
[Probably better off that way. His fist could do some serious damage.] Gilbert thought to himself.
“If you see Noa tell her to come to find me"
“I'm looking for her too actually...”
It was too late, Alex had already begun walking away. Gilbert remembered how he was in a hurry and takes off.

Gilbert arrives at an arcade right on the outskirts of the city. It looks old and beaten down with its one entrance being its giant garage door. Inside are games of a different variety than at his school. Instead of just old school classics, this arcade had beat-em-ups and fighting game, not included in the lineup at the arcade meet. Gilbert cuts through two grade-schooler to reach the Street Fighter 4 machine and queues up as random, getting Chun Li. Time seemed to fly by for Gilbert, he didn’t even notice he was being watched by the grader schoolers as he easily climbed the arcade mode. After a few rounds had gone by, another person had gathered behind Gilbert. This time it was another high schooler, the tall boy approached closer watching intently as his shadow crawls up on the screen.

“Hey Scotty, would you piss off. I don’t like it when you’re looming over my shoulder.”
“Would you prefer I gave you a massage then? You seem tense there Gibby,”
Scotty said, cracking a smile.
“You know I hate that name.”
“And you don’t hate the name Gilbert? Dude your parents suck.”
Gilbert starts to get irritated; not only was he already in a bad mood, he was getting corner combo’d by a CPU and Scotty shadow was still cast over the screen.
“I guess I do, but all the nicknames you come up with just sound too similar to your own name.”
"That's a lie, what about Insta-Gib?"
“That name sounds coooool!” The kids shout in unison. Scotty turned to the kid, excited to tell his story.
“You wanna know how I came up with it?” The grade school kids shook their heads in excitement.
“Stop before you have them saying that.”
Scotty bent down on his knees to get to eye level with the kids. It didn’t work, he still loomed over them.

“One fateful day, after a week of talking about it, both Gibby and Noa, the best at Street Fighters in this arcade met to face off. Noa was so confident she would win because her character, Sagat, countered Gibby main. But when they got in the match, a whole different story was told. She spammed fireballs like there was no tomorrow, but as soon as Gibby got in…” Scotty ran his thumb across his throat, adding an eerie sound effect along with it. The kids listened along with stars in their eyes.
“She didn’t get another chance to move. Back to back combos. She was out like a light.”
The light above their head flicked at that moment, showing the arcades age and the lights comedic timing.
“Next round, Gibby instantly got in, resulting in a perfect. That's when I started calling him insta-gib.”
The grade school clapped for the ending. Scotty smiled, proud of the story he had recalled for the kids. The kids had promptly got into a shoving match while gawking over Scotty’s story.
“Stay back Cake Walk, or I’ll insta-gib you!”
“Try it scrub and you'll get insta-gibbed. I’ve been watching Insta-Gib insta-gib since before you were born!”
The kids run off deeper into the arcade, reenacting how they thought the match probably had gone.
“That’s just awful. Now you got them using such vile language.”
“It’s just a name.”
“it's an awful one too!”
“Ok ok, I got it. I’ll just stick with Gilbert then.”
Gilbert sighed. He didn’t want to say it because he knew he’d be boosting Scottys’ ego but,
“Well, it's just that…”
[I prefer Gibby.]
“I prefer Gibby...”
“You prefer Gibby?!”
He prefers Gibby.

Scotty burst into laughter, enjoying the victory he just claimed. Gibby turned around to join in, giving up on the lost match to enjoy his youth. This was the closest thing Gibby had to a friendship, even though they became much more distant since Noa left. Scotty and Gibby walked around the arcade talking about whatever they could come up with and filling the awkward silences with a few games of the nearest machine. Gibby got eager to ask about Noa, that why he really came here. Noa had not been to school since club activities started. She had become a completely different person from before and stop talking to Gibby altogether. He knew things could go south if he brought her name up so lightly. A beckon in the darkness approaches to help Gibby agenda. As the pair headed towards the entrance, preparing to leave, they spot another regular, Josh digging around under a machine for spare coins. He didn’t have any luck.

“Just buy a membership card already Josh.”
Josh whipped his head up, cracking his head on the pinball machine he was under. The whole group giggled at Josh's’ blunder.
“You hit your head so much you’d think your body would evolve and grow a little so you can start hitting your back instead.”
Josh was a very small guy for his grade, at least height wise. Josh was probably heavier than both of them combined. He had black shaggy hair and always wore the same dark blue sweat suit even though he was a high schooler just like them. His body type was the complete opposite of Scotty’s, who tall and skinny body actually made him look intimidating even in his school uniform. Scotty went to Ford Western High School, so his red and gold uniform stood out among Josh and Gibby’s darker colors. His light brown curly hair had him on good terms with the ladies.
“I heard that human will never evolve again and it’s true.”  Josh's voice cracked as he was trying to get his point out. “You see, they say that because we’ve started getting power-ups upon birth, we’re at the strongest level we can be!”
“That’s not how evolution works at all. I bet you just made that up.”
Scotty sees the chance for one of his awful jokes and goes for it.
“Don’t worry, If what Joshy says is true then I guess you can still evolve Gibby" The conversation grew quiet. Gibby broke the silence with a chuckle before the rest of them joined in.
“That’s not even how evolution works. Plus Scotty, I do have a power-up, it just doesn’t work.” Scotty rubbed his head awkwardly laughing.
“Probably just like a glitch or something. If I ever meet god or something I’ll report it to him for you.”

Gibby knew Scotty felt bad, but he didn’t really mind the joke. Gibby had been bullied all his life for not being able to use his power-up. In today's world, everyone is born with a power-up. Big or small, strong or weak, everyone has one they can use… except for Gibby. That added up with the fact he was only ever good at fighting games made him an outcast. Esports had been a dead scene for a while and arcade meets were the new and upcoming competition. The real reason the conversation got quiet was that Scotty was awful at jokes.

“You guys got the crew back together or what?” Asked Josh, surprised to see them together without Noa.
Scotty and Gibby looked at each other before shaking their head no. The pair remembered the fight they had over Noa a few months back. Their blood was spilled for the heart of a girl who didn't want theirs. The intense battle raged on for hours, toy after toy was fetched from the claw machines. Pockets were emptied and machines grew barren. Some speculated that it would last for days, but as closing hours grew near, Scotty was decided the winner after hooking two bears on the last round. He was rejected shortly afterward.

“where is Noa actually, someone wanted me to tell her something.”
“ I heard some people in all black suits came and took her away after she left a high score on a Polybius, you see….”
Scotty started his deep breathing exercises, leaving an annoyed Gibby with Josh's stories.
“There he goes again.”
“Sorry, was it me?” Josh wondered.
“No, it's not you Joshy.”
Scotty’s power-up is Doki-Doki. It makes Scotty perceive time more slowly as his heart rate rises. Gibby knew talking about Noa would get Scotty’s heart racing.
[Since they have nothing on Noa and it's already pretty late, I guess I’ll just go knock on her door]
As Josh tried to mend Scotty’s racing heart, Gibby slipped towards the exit and announced his leave before running north towards Noa’s place.

Gibby arrived in front of his destination, out of breath from the run. He wasted no time on recovering and ran straight to the back. Things begin to get weird as he climbs up the side of the house. I start to feel as though someone should call the cops as he opens the window to Noa’s house. Clearly, he has done this before, slipping through the window, he comes out the other side right into a room filled with stuffed animals and video games. Gibby can hear the pitter-patter of water.
[ Oh no, she’s in the shower now?]
The water suddenly stopped. Panicked, Gibby runs into the closet.
[*censored*! What if she’s naked! I mean I wouldn’t mind… but she’d kill me if I saw. Maybe she wouldn’t mind her?]
Gibby contemplated these thoughts as the footsteps got closer and the bedroom door swung open.
[ Her clothes are in here…]
He silently facepalms himself. Gibby could hear someone getting closer and closer to the door as impure thought ran through his head. The door opened to reveal Noa fully cloth in her usual get up; A hoodie(this time pink) and a short skirt. She wasn’t too happy to see Gibby in her closet.

“Wait, before you do anything rash, I promise this can be explained. Why you came out the shower with a hoodie on though…”
Noa said nothing. Her long blonde hair flips through the air as she whistled. Out from the shadows appeared two dogs, perfectly black and already prepared to attack.
“Okay, I get it. To be honest with you, I’m here because today, you die.”
A nervous smile inches across his face, Noa’s doesn’t change.
“Cebures, sic 'em"
The sinister creatures lunged at Gibby. The attack started with the dogs nipping at Gibby's shoes. He begged Noa to call them off but to no avail. Oh god, They sank their teeth into separate limbs before ripping flesh away from his body. Gibby screamed, but no one would come to his rescue. He could do nothing to change his fate now. One dog jumped on top of him biting into his neck. His body became lifeless as the fiends tore apart pieces of his body. Even as it was apparent that Gibby was no longer living, the dogs continued. My lord, they start to play with his eyeballs like tennis balls... That was horrific. Maybe next time, for my sake, I'll just describe something else, like anything.

Despite the vicious attack, Gibby lived on. Not in the present, but two weeks ago. He slowly opens his eyes to a beautiful view of the wishing well he had come to know so well.  He digs around his pocket for a quarter but fails to find one.
[ I can't give up yet. In 2 months, the world will end. I saw it, regardless of how ridiculous it sounds, I watched the moon crash into the earth. I've tried it all, but no one will believe me and I don't have the power to stop it by myself. That just means I have to stop it before it happens, and assuming Noa's death have something to do with it, I'll focus on saving her. ] Gibby began to walk home without making his wish.

 Gibby was only here today because of his power-up, Game [Save/Load]. With this, he would load back to a save point everytime he died. It took the destruction of the entire earth to find out about his power, but with it, he has put his efforts towards stopping the event. This was his 29th try and he could only hope for the task to get easier.

This time around Gibby played things differently leading up to Noa’s death. Instead of joining the arcade club, he tried to raise as many flags as he could with her, leading to a substantial amount of near-death experiences.

It was the night of Noa’s inevitable passing and Gibby was over West, far away from her house.
[ Since Alex was looking for her, I figure she’ll head over to The Greats hideout, which should be somewhere over here.]
Gibby walked through the endless alleyways of the Western part of the city. Usually, the alleys would be a dangerous choice due to the gangs of delinquents that roam around the city, but everyone knew the West belonged to Alex and The Greats. They were suspects in Gibby’s book so running into one of their members was part of his plan. He got much less confident when he started to hear grunts followed by the smashing of glass up ahead. He didn’t let his fear show as the culprit approached from the alley in front of him.

He saw her through the shadow cast by the gloomy night.
[ That outfit. The hood and the sword, she can’t be.]
She wore a green hoodie that was that was big enough for someone Scotty’s size, held tight by her belt, which bore a stylish gold buckle. Enough of her lower half was covered to leave plenty up for imagination. The hoodie stopped near her knees, where her white tights lead into her over-worn boots. The wooden sword she carried sealed the deal for Gibby.
“Why are you cosplaying link, at night, in the middle of gang territory?”
“ I am not Link. I am Tessa and I’ve been summoned here to save this world from evil.” This made Gibby crack a smile.
“That’s a good one, but Link isn't supposed to talk.”
Gibby smile rushed away as Tessa readied her sword. Gibby took a stance. The two stared each other down till Tessa put her sword down.
“Your intentions today seem to be pure.”
Tessa straight face started to become agitated. Gibby could barely see it through the blonde hair that filled out most of her hood.
“Your face says trouble but your aura says otherwise.”
“Thank you?”
“I need your help questionable one. I chased a very sinister being to these plains, but it seems you have many people just as evil.”
[ No surprise there. This place is rotten to the core. Nothing but scum and enablers.]
“The names Gilbert, you can call me Gibby. And if you want my advice, get a real weapon. The wooden sword doesn’t really scream master sword for me. Plus I doubt you could face evil beings with that.”
“The last man disagrees with you. Through his confusing laughter, he explained how dangerous it was to venture here and insisted that I take this.”
“And his laughter didn’t tip you off?”
“He claimed he was dying and what is worse than to turn down a dying man’s wish. It has proven itself quite useful in a variety of task as well.”
[He probably meant dying of laughter.] Gibby figured.
“Hm, I can tell you’re very pure.”
[Yet so dumb.]
“Then show trust and lend me your hand to stop the evil that has crossed over.” She held her hand out.

Before Gibby could even think about the agreement, Tessa jetted forward, circling around him. She readies her sword, pointing it towards the person who now entered their vision. It was none other than Noa, who had stumble across the scene.
“Noa.”
“Hey. what’s up with your friend?”
“I can sense the evil that lives inside you. I will free you from that evil, only at the cost of your foreseeable future in this world.” Noa didn't take that to kindly.
“Was that a threat?”
“In my experience, I have only come to make promises”
Noa whistle to beckon her two dogs to appear, but before any blood would be shed, Gibby interrupts.
“Hold on Tess, she’s not a bad person.”
“You can trust that she’s up to no good, I sense it.”
“There’s a middle ground, not all bad is enough to warrant death.”
“Meaning?”
Gibby nervously scratched his head. “She’s just going through a-ahhhh… a phase I guess. She’s a bit emo that all.”
“I see, so my sense cannot be the judge and executioner like before. If we wish to be a team than trust must be shown by each party.”
“A phase? A bit emo…”
Noa looked very fed up with the whole interaction.
“Yes, let us both move on with the understanding that those are the only reason you are alive now.”
"Cerberus," Noa beckoned.
“Wait, Noa, let me just explain.”
Now at her boiling point, Gibby was walking on thin ice.
“I’m pretty sure I’ve done it. I just saved your life!”
Gibby’s excitement for the changing of the status quo was mistaken by Noa, who shortly after turned both Tessa and him to coins.

The death wasn’t as clean as I painted it. The memory of that death haunted Gibby into his next life. He opened his eyes in a panic and there he was back in front of the wishing well with his disturbing end in his head. He frantically ran over to the well and dived on its wall. He begins madly fishing around for a quarter.
[DAMN IT! I wished for my power-up to work, but I didn’t expect all this! Give me my peaceful life back!]
Gibby ends up falling into the well. Unmotivated, he gets out of the well soaking wet with everyone's eyes on him. This was his 30th try at saving the world and he could only wish for the task to get easier, so that what he did. He stood there in front of the well with a hand full of quarter tossed them all in.

I, JustHano, am the rightful owner of this work of fiction.
« Last Edit: October 10, 2018, 06:41:23 PM by JustHANO »

Offline Coach Fro

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Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Chapther?
« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2018, 08:29:47 PM »
Very interesting concept you going on here. I enjoyed it, though there are some things I want to touch on.

Gilbert is depicted as powerless in the beginning of the story, and yet in his interaction with Marmaduke he displays an ability to generate a force of wind in a punch strong enough (That didn't even connect I might add) to blow away the coach's hat from his head. I understand that you were probably going for a cool/funny moment here, but I personally find that to be somewhat of a inconsistency. Although this is me applying logic to a story where logic probably won't be on the forefront, which is fine, especially considering the lighthearted Scott Pilgrim angle you're going for.

I found it kinda weird that Gilbert was in a rush to the arcade with the intentions of looking for Noa, and the first thing he does is play some Good Ol' Street Fighter 4 on a arcade machine (But to be fair, as a big fan of the street fighter series and an avid lover of fighting games period, I probably would've done the same thing, lol.) I probably would just add a sentence or two describing Gilbert looking for Noa at first with no luck whatsoever, and then transition to him sitting down to play street fighter.

His Game Save/Load ability is quite cool as a concept. Can he do it as many times as he like, or is there a limit to it? Is the well the only save point? Also, you mentioned that it took the destruction of the earth for him to discover his power, but we don't see much of an instance of this. Maybe you could've shown this phenomenon via a quick flashback or two, rather than just telling us? I think doing so would help the establishment of the plot feel more important and dramatic, and convince the reader that beneath all of this silliness there's some actual real ish going down that our boy Gilbert needs to handle fast or else.

Other than that, I like what you got so far. It's funny and silly, and the majority of the characters at the moment have distinct personalities that makes them feel different from one another, which I can appreciate. I loved all the little references to video games and arcades you threw in here. Not gonna lie, I was crying when I read that whole Esports has been kinda dead line. That was good stuff man!

If I were to add one more thing though, I would say watch out for typos, improper grammar, and formatting. While not glaring, there were quite a few instances of these things popping up in your story, so be sure to keep that in mind when you're working on your story in the future.

That's all for now mah guy. Keep writing! And I'll be sure to stick around to see where you take this story.       



 
Messatsu...



Offline JustHANO

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Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Chapther?
« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2018, 08:42:22 AM »
Thanks for reading!

The punch wasn't only for comedy, I tried to make it a display for how powerful people are in this world. He may be seen as weak, but that just means other people are just more powerful. Also, he boxes which we'll learn next chapter and that'll be a joke used to explain his strength. I wasn't going to have a real reason, but I remembered how in Scott Pilgrim they never explained or even gave a reason why Scott could fight and beat people who use magic and *censored*.

This. Thank you for pointing that out. Gibby was trying to look for Scotty and ask him where Noa was, but he couldn't bring himself to bring it up. He knew where Noa was going to be later, he was trying to get to her before then. I know that, but i should display that in the chapter so everyone knows that.

So his ability will be explained, but yes he can re-save as he likes and theres no limit. He didn't know what the power did all his life. the last time he used it was at the well, where he wished his power would work and then figure out what it was when he died the first time. We'll learn why he doesn't save much later.

Now the flashbacks, i don't think i'll do. I do want to re-write that whole part when Gibby comes back to life, but i don't think i can add flashbacks, Firstly because i don't really know how to write a good one in from the narrator perspective, but also because i have a distaste for flashbacks.

Once again thank you for reading. I'm always re-reading my stuff so i'll get those little mistakes taken care of eventually.

Offline JustHANO

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GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique The Second Chapter?
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2018, 05:59:45 PM »
I'm back. I didn't get many replies to my first one, but I thought I should try again.  After this one I think I'll finish the third chapter before trying my hand at actually releasing it somewhere, so I do appreciate any critique.  In the meantime I think i'll go re-work my first chapter. Thank you in advance!


SUMMARY - In a world where kids are being born with supernatural abilities called power-ups, our main character Gilbert is born without one. That, plus the fact that he was never good at non-fighting game made him a prime target for bullying throughout his school life. But now, during his junior year of highschool, he discovers his true powers. Still, it's isn't all fun and games because his new powers lead him on a world-saving mission that has him wishing he never had any!

Spoiler
Tessa woke up to the rambling befitting of a madman.
“And I let her have the bed. How pathetic, you don’t just give away the bed. The bed should be earned dammit.”
She starts to vaguely remember the night before, returning home with her new partner, believing him at his word when he told her that she was in grave danger.
“If Mom finds out she spent the night, she’ll kill me. If Dad finds out, I’d probably get a pat on the back, but then he’ll tell mom and she’ll kill me.”
“If your mom seeks to kill you, it’s only right that we strike first.”
Gibby turns around to see Tessa, already prepared for a fight.
“So... we’re awake, both fully clothed, talking about murdering my mom. This is the strangest morning after scene I’ve seen.”

With one hand on his hip, Gibby points his finger right at Tessa, a few inches away from her face.
“Listen here. Since this is my house you’re staying in, there are rules that need to be followed understood?”
“Trust is the strongest bond in a partnership and rules help develop that trust.”
“Next time just say yes. And don’t call it a partnership, that sounds weird. First up, the bathroom is the first door on the right. You may ONLY leave this room to use the bathroom, but make it quick and quiet. I have snacks and water here in the room for you. I have a game here for you to play, I think it might help us understand this whole situation. I’ll be back in seven hours, then we can figure this out, okay?”
Tessa nodded, but Gibby didn’t believe she really understood. He exited out his door, leaving Tessa there alone. Not even five seconds later, Gibby swung the door back open.
“Okay, if you have to leave just don’t be a nuisance to anyone okay?”
“I will not leave.”
Gibby stared at her in the eyes.
“When you leave, don’t kill anyone either. Not because killing off the evil people is bad, but because you're not judge and executioner. Plus actions have consequences here.” Gibby kept a straight face through that bold-faced lie.
“And if you see a blonde hair, emo looking girl in a hoodie, remember to tell me.”
Gibby rushed out. He turned around to look at the window. He knew this wasn’t going to end well.

Tessa peaked out the window and caught a glimpse of Gibby walking away.
“Where does a man spend seven hours where a female can not? I can only imagine some type of gentlemen club.”
Before Tessa finished spying, a cat appears right outside the window. The black cat hissed at Tessa, who had now determined that this feline could only be up to no good. The cat made it way up the house, with Tessa following shortly behind. They both balanced atop the roof of the house. Tessa could sense that this was a being of pure evil.
“This house is under my protection fiend.”
Tessa sprung to action, running full speed at the cat. Fully prepared the cat ran, but Tessa speed and mobility matched that of the cat. The two played a game of tag, spanning across the roof of numerous houses. Their game only ended once Tessa chased him to an alley where the cat stopped. She had fallen right into his trap. From both sides of the alley, more cats came into view, each hiding an evil presence behind their innocent faces. Tessa was taken aback.
“How does such an army of evil exist?!” Tessa did not back down though. She ran at her foes with a battle-cry. The cats did the same. The bloodbath was only stopped by the sudden opening of a door, splitting each party on different sides. Out stepped Josh, who was very confused by the scene. Josh ignored who he took for a Link cos-player for now, kneeling down and placing down fish for the cats to eat. The large group of cats tore the fish apart swiftly before scattering, leaving only the cat Tessa had presumed to be their leader. Josh began to pet the cat, leaving Tessa even more shocked.

“Have you conquered these small devil-ish lions?”
“You mean the alley-cats? They’re not any different from any other cats. Maybe a bit hungrier.”
“But why does such evil creatures bow down to you simply for food?”
“Well, they're just cats, you know, pets.”
“Pets? Like horses?”
“You know, you ask a lot of questions for such a mysterious girl. Are you supposed to be Link?”
Tessa kneeled before Josh, who she now saw as an amazing conqueror. Josh was flustered by the action.
“No, I am Tessa and I have come from my own land to vanquish a now hidden evil.”
“Please don’t bow it’s embarrassing.”
Tessa rose to her feet
“Well, I’m Josh. Nice to meet you.”
“It is.”
“If you’re looking for a hidden evil could you be talking about the lizardmen who hide among humanity?”
“Do such fiends exist?”
“It’s only a rumor, but I heard that the whole world is run by lizardmen.”
“Interesting. I will look into this during my adventure. Thank you Round One, I believe today you have truly saved me from a lost battle,” she said looking at the cat. Tessa ran off into the streets with a new enemy in mind. Josh wasn’t too sure what had just happened. He looked the cat in its cute face, “Round One huh? Ow. I wonder if Scotty will be at school today.”

[I went to school the other day. I’ll reward myself with the day off.] This was Scotty line of thinking for a lot more days than he’d like to admit, this being one of those days. Due to Doki-Doki, his power-up, school was a huge hassle for him. Minutes can stretch into what feels like hours when Scotty heart beat picks up. While this may have given him the necessary time to think some of his actions through thoroughly, it can make uncomfortable or stressful moments last an eternity. This morning, Scotty was trying to raise some quick money for his gaming fix. Instead, time has slowed to a crawl from his perspective. He was getting chewed out by a customer of his, an older lady who was very disappointed how her lawn turned out last time. She slammed the door after she was done yelling at him. Scotty started his breathing exercises to lower his heart rate.

[Screw her! Does she expect me to get out a ruler and measure out the height of the grass.] Scotty walked over to his mower and tried to start it up, but could not get it to go. Unbeknownst to him, he was blocking the whole sidewalk. Any normal person would just walk around him, so that should tell you a lot about the girl who stood right behind him, waiting. As Scotty gave the cord another pull, his elbow went slamming into her.
“Woah, sorry.”
He turned around to see Tessa, who had blocked the blow with her hand.
“If you did not mean to strike me, why swing at me in the first place.”
“I was just trying to start my lawn mower, but it’s harder to start than unwanted homework."
Tessa was puzzled, “Homework?”
Scotty was also puzzled, “Homework… Like from school.” She shrugged at the notion that what he said would clear up the misunderstanding.
“If you don’t know what that is then you should probably not be skipping school.”
“Ah, school is in session, which begs the question of why a kid like you are not there.”
“Hey, you look younger than me!” Tessa laughs
“That is untrue, you dress young, like a boy who has not seen battle.”
“So are you cosplaying Link or something because Link doesn’t talk.”
“I am Tessa and I’ve have chased a wicked being to this plains” Scott laughs uncontrollably, gaining his revenge. Tessa stands around waiting for his laughter to stop.
“Okay, I need to get back to work, so if you don’t mind.” Tessa watches as he once again tries and fails to start the mower.

“It’s kinda embarrassing if you’re standing right behind me.”
“Yes, it is, for you that is. How do you fail your task repeatedly if this is your work.”
“Trust me, it’s not my fault.”
“What must be done with this device can be done by hand if it won’t work.”
“You can’t cut the grass without it.”
“Ah! You are trying to cut this grass. For spare currency correct?” Scotty nodded.
“Then I shall help you.”
Tessa makes her way to the middle of the yard and drew her wooden sword. Scotty watched, eager to see what she was going to do. [ She'll probably use some sort of power-up, but it still won't be up to this ladies standards.] Tessa raised one leg and with a sudden yell, she pushed off the other getting a perfect spin. From her sword flew a beautiful white energy that sliced through the short grass. And with that done, her spin came to an end. She walked off the freshly cut yard perplexed, "Must be unlucky. Let's try the next patch, maybe we'll get something from there." Scotty, in dismay, fell to his knees.
"Get something? We'll be lucky if we don't have to pay her for this disaster! Look what you did to her yard!" The grass was cut uneven yet very short. So short in fact that the dirt was on top of most patches. The yard had now looked as if someone flipped the entire thing over. Dirt started to rain back onto the field.
"I think 'thank you' is what you seek to say"
"What!? Are you sure about that?! Do you even think?!"
"I think so." Scotty's heart raced as his anger built up.
"If thanks are not coming, I'll be on my way Rude One"
Tessa walked pass Scotty, leaving the mess in his hands. Scotty tried to use the now sluggish time to think of a way out of this, but to no avail. The door to the house swung open so Scotty took off, leaving his lawn mower as evidence. Gibby had no clue how much trouble his new partner was causing while he was at school.

[I know I can re-save at any point, but it's just too dangerous. Since I can only load the most recent save point, it'd be foolish to keep saving everytime I accomplish something. I might put myself in a deadlock situation where I can't change the future no matter what. My safest bet is to keep the save point at the well, especially with Noa and Tessa's unpredictable natures.]
So these are the things Gibby thinks about during class... No wonder he didn't notice the teacher call on him. Marmaduke turns around and slams his fist into Gibby desk, bringing him back to reality.

"Wake up princess." The class joined in Marmaduke's laughter.
"That's enough Marmaduke, keep it up and I'll talk to your coach." Ms. Valerie’s class was about to end so she had very little patience.
"So Gilbert, do you remember?"
"Um, can you restate the question?"
Before Valerie could reply the bell rang and kids began packing up. Valerie lets out a sigh.
"Now remember, tickets to Prom are on sale near the main office."
As Gibby was trying to leave Valerie pulled him to the side.
"I feel like you're here but not here you know? Does this have something to do with Noa skipping school?"
"So you don't actually care about me or the bullying, you just want to know about your teacher's pet."
"Don't say that Gilbert... Name calling isn't nice. Everyone is really worried about Noa, even her parents. You're probably closes to her, why the sudden change?"
"It's just a phase. She doesn't even talk to me anymore so ask someone else."
He walked away, frustrated about the whole conversation.

Gibby turned down the hallway and approached the old soda machine. He didn't trust it one bit. Like every other machine in this school that wasn’t an arcade cabinet, it didn’t work properly. [ It'll probably give me a soda...] Gibby thought before pressing the button for a water.
The can of soda loudly made it way down the dispenser, but before Gibby could grab it, he was pushed to the side by Marmaduke and his gang.

"Hey look Marmadork, a free dew."
"Oh cool, the best kind of drink, a free one." He reached down and grabs the can before clawing at it's impossible to open top.
"I can't open it. Here you can have it" He said looking at Gibby
Gibby extended his hand but was only handed disappointment when Marmaduke passed it back to one of his friends. He ate it whole. Gibby had had enough, "$1.50"
"Oh didn't see you there Ghillie. Sorry, but I didn't drink it, he did."
"$1.50 or I turn that background character into coins."
"Watch who you're calling names buddy!" said the background character.
"Hey shut up for a second Rando, let me handle this," Marmaduke said before stepping up to Gibby who proceed to ready up. Marmaduke laughed at him again, giving Gibby an unpleasant déjà vu.
"I don't get it. you're just a meathead, why do you act so cocky. Someone needs to put you in your place." Marmaduke cracked his knuckles.

Gibby wasted no time, punching Marmaduke and sending him into the soda machine. Marmaduke stood back up, a bit shaken from the gut punch. "How did he throw such a strong punch, I-I thought he was powerless!?" that one guy said.
 "I've practiced boxing."
"That was nothing, now it's my turn to-" Marmaduke couldn't finish due to the next punch. He managed to react, grabbing Gibby's fist.
"You think this is a game jock?"
"You obviously do, talking about turns."
The two went back and forth, trading blows. Marmaduke's power-up, Monkey Business, gave him the strength of Donkey Kong, making the few punches he was able to land that much more devastating. The spectators grew in number as the fight made it way down the hall. It was only stopped when Coach Reggie stepped in, restraining Gibby.
"Save the punches for Punch-Out kid, this is school." Gibby looked around at the crowd they had gathered before snatching his arm from Reggie. Reggie, not wanting his prized pupil to be suspended decided to handle the situation.
"SCRAM GUYS, THIS ISN'T SOME RAID. Get to arcade club Marmaduke, or you'll be playing Tetris when you get there." Marmaduke and Gibby both glared at each other, wiping their bleeding noses.

With the crowd dispersed, the coach pulls Gibby to the side.
"Listen... kid, what's your name."
[I didn't join arcade club this time around so I guess Reggie didn't even bother to learn my name.]
"Gilbert."
"Well Gilbert, tell me what you were thinking. Marmaduke could have killed a jock like you.”
“Yea right, I was the one holding back.”
“Okay… kid, Imma do some explaining to you. Assuming you don't want to get suspended, we'll keep this little rampage of yours on the hush-hush."
"He started it."
"He didn't start anything okay? No-one did. Nothing happened."
"So that's how it is, everyone turns a blind eye to how the nerds treat us jocks at this school huh."
"Well look at you, you're asking for it.  You have to focus on self-improvement. Don't want to get bullied? Better yourself so you're not a target anymore."
"You're awful with advice, you sure you should be a coach?"
"Okay, think about this... kid. What's your next move? All you do is play sports. What are you gonna do when you grow up? What does the future hold for you? You're a  junior already, you got to be planning out your future."
"My future is making sure you even get to have a future!"
"Huh?" 
Gibby stormed off, leaving the coach confused in the hallway. In his fit of rage, Gibby forgot about Tessa at home. He ends up wondering over north for hours, looking for a gang to take his rage out on. He sat in the dark alley till he was found by a familiar face.

"Wassup?" Noa says, this being the first time she has seen Gibby sad.
"Oh, it's you."
"What, you finally understand how much the world sucks?" Noa slumps on the wall next to Gibby.
"Yep. Now I'm looking for someone to take my anger out on."
"You know this is The Great's territory."
"No, we're over north, this is area is under free rein."
"Yea, but Alexander and another member are over here claiming the land. They have been clearing the streets this whole day."
“Whatever, I’ll fight anyone at this point.” Noa manages to contain her laughter, but her covering her mouth gave it away.
“What so funny?”
“I’ve heard Alex and you use to be boxing partners. He said you never won once and you started before him.”
“Well it’s Alex, he’s always the best at what he does. Makes you wonder why he’d become a gang leader.”
“Yea, but, why would you want to fight him right now if you know he’s going to win?” Gibby shook his head
“You won’t understand.” He struggled to think of a way to explain it. “It’s not about winning. It’s like when we use to play Street Fighters. It didn’t matter to me that your pick countered mines or that I’d lose most matches. I just enjoyed playing Zangief. I enjoyed the well fought out match.”
Noa realizes something about Gibby in that moment and smiles.
“You know what? You’re not that bad when you’re not clowning around with Scot-”
“OH *censored* TESSA. Sorry Noa, I'm glad you're alive and all, but I got to find someone before Alex does.” Gibby jumps off the wall, running from alley to alley screaming Tessa’s name. Noa reluctantly followed him. Little did they know Tessa was already in a dangerous dance with Alex.
« Last Edit: September 10, 2018, 04:20:37 PM by JustHANO »

Offline Coryn

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Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Chapther?
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2018, 10:58:48 PM »
Hey there HANO, I've merged together your two topics. We like to keep stories centralized to a single topic. It just gets messy otherwise.

If you want to atract more reviews, get out on the board and review some other people's stories as well! Giving a comment here and there is nice, but if you show you're willing to put in the time for someone else, they'll be more likely to do it for you!

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline suuper-san

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Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Chapther?
« Reply #5 on: August 30, 2018, 10:13:21 AM »
I think thats a cool premise and power for the MC, and a solid plot/purpose.
I can't focus long enough to retain character differences so having the names actually helped me, although that's more of a manga script than a LN so it's probably better that they weren't there :P
I'm assuming the save point is stuck at when he was by the well? would be great to know how the power works and it's limits a bit more :P
"If Persona 5 had one save slot and you're on a day limit, when would you save?" I'm not much of a gamer but I have no idea what "a day limit" meant in that context.
keep it up!
« Last Edit: August 30, 2018, 10:24:52 AM by suupertramp »

Offline JustHANO

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Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Chapther?
« Reply #6 on: September 05, 2018, 07:30:11 PM »
@coryn, understood, thanks. I'm a bit afraid to criticize others. I feel like I'm too opinionated and I'm not always correct. I also feel as though I focus way too much on trying to improve their work rather than how good their work is and I sound real bi***y. I'll try around and see if I can improve on that myself.

@Suuper Thanks for reading I really appreciate it. Firstly, yea I'm going to have to get rid of the names in the first chapter because I made the 2nd and 3rd chapters regular. So that's a daunting task I have to do since it's almost rewriting the whole thing.
Speaking of rewriting, the Persona comparison I was already not feeling, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to just do a regular explanation. I see now that since this is my MC's 30th time using it, he should be able to give a good explanation of how it works, so I'll just hope on the exposition train.

Offline Coryn

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Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Chapther?
« Reply #7 on: September 06, 2018, 07:42:01 AM »
Hey, if you're worried, just clear it with them first. Alternatively, always remember to open up with a statement declaring your intent. Sorta like what you just said. If you're open about not wanting to be insulting, and that you are trying to not be so heavy handed, it can lessen the blow if you are.

But really, like normal writing, you can't improve unless you actually try.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline JustHANO

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Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Light Novel?
« Reply #8 on: September 24, 2018, 07:14:59 PM »
Yay, after the hurdle of redoing my first chapter's format, I've finally completed chapter 3. Idk where I'll go from here. I know i'll keep writing this, but I don't know if I should keep posting on forums for critiques or just sign up somewhere to upload it for like weekly updates. Any advice is welcome (seriously I'm stuck on stupid here. Do I buy drawings if I upload it somewhere?)

As always I'd love critique.
Spoiler
“I’ve never been challenged in anything I do. Never has anyone come close to my level; not in academics, games, sports or fighting. All I ever do is search. Search for my equal. Truth be told, it’s the only thing I’ve failed at. You see, where some fail, others succeed. Where those few succeed, I triumph, standing high above even the greatest. In doing so, I’ve only managed to hang myself more comfortably.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“I don’t know. Doesn’t ever great tyrant have to monologue.”
Alex stood with his back to the bruised and battered teen, his long hair surfing through the breeze. He started to pace back and forth impatiently. Lifting his hand, he effortlessly crushed the phone in his hand. “If your crew isn’t here soon, I’ll turn you into coins and use them to kill off my boredom at the arcade.”

Alex was the leader of The Greats, the first gang that managed to take control of a part of the city. The Westside belong to them and with only two members, they are managing to make their presence known over North. Alex was calling out gang leaders with death threats towards their underlings. Killing was taboo, even among the barbaric teens who would beat you bloody and leave you for dead. This warranted a hefty response from the leaders, prompting them to get all hands on deck for the confrontation. This time was no different. Over 20 people sprinted onto the roof, forming a circle around Alex. They were mostly armed with junk that could pass as a usable weapon; trash lids, busted pipes, broken bottles, and a chair. They quickly picked up their fallen friend and he vanished into the gang’s rank. A suited teen entered the circle and looked around.
“You’re all alone. Not a good move on your part.”
“They call me Alexander The Great for a reason.”
“They call me Giovanni for the same reason.” He steps closer to Alex, hands still in his pockets.
“Giovanni huh? Like from Team Rocket.”
“Yup, they hear that name and instantly think of power. This here is my gang, Team Stop It; In this situation, it’ll be referring to your heart.”
“You know it’s not a good name if you have to explain it.” Giovanni turns his back to Alex and starts to walk away.
“I guess that’s enough explaining. Just know, we have to prove we don’t take kindly to threats.” The circle of teens began to collapse on Alex as Giovanni left the roof.

The fight ends just as fast as it started. Surprisingly Giovanni’s gang didn’t run in one at a time, but work as a team, attacking in quick succession after one another. Alex only used this to his advantage, letting the gangs blows fly pass him into other members. It was amidst the chaos that Alex threw his punches. With each punch he took out multiple people, sending them flying into each other. As their numbers dropped, the remaining members started to use their power-ups. Flames and hot tar flew pass Alex as he was superman punching the giant teen. Landing a blow to his foes ankle, he was able to knock the giant down, sending him crashing into the remaining teens. Alex looked around for more prey but found none. He grabs the chair from the hands of an unconscious member, unfolded it, and sat… waiting.

With the newfound silence, Giovanni opened the door. Reality conflicted with his expectations; instead of Alex being defeated, he was the only one still standing.
“Now that the warm-up is over, let us get down to business,” Alex said before standing up.
“So what… what did you come here for? What’s with the needless fighting? Aren’t you a small gang? Wouldn’t controlling the North and the West run you thin?”
“Uh-uh. Talking was what I wanted to do before. I’m warmed up, ain’t no talking out of this.
“Sure… Prepare for trouble then, and make it double.”
Giovanni shadow raised from the ground into an exact copy of himself.
“It’s a reference to pokemon wh-”
“I get the reference.”
“Actually, why stop there?” Now both their shadow grew into another copy. This continued until Alex was once again surrounded.

Unlike the fight before, where the attacks were coordinated yet chaotic, all Giovanni’s attack flowed together perfectly. While two copies rushed Alex from the front, another went for his legs from behind. Alex would have been in loss situation if not for his incredible speed and his mastery of it. With this, he followed the motion of the sweep kick with a spin, reaching a point where the clones kick couldn’t hit. “Low blow,” Alex took a shot at the disrespectful copy, but to no avail. The clone managed to turn into a shadow before he could land a punch. This scene repeated over and over as Alex went on the offense, he was always a bit too late to get a hit off. The ring of Giovannis’ didn’t grow any less either. When one faded away to dodge a punch, another would pop out of the shadows. While Alex may have been getting nowhere, he still hasn’t broken a sweat either.

“Play hide and seek all you want, it shows you’re nothing but a coward.”
[Maybe if I get him to talk, I can find the real one.] Alex plan fell through the gutter when all of the Giovannis’ responded at once.
“I’ve been testing you that’s all.”
“And I passed with flying colors.”
“Yea, your decision making is extremely scary. I noticed you didn’t jump you dodge the sweep,”
“Because in the air you can’t move. I would have been trapped there.”
“Makes you wonder, why your life choices have less thought behind them. Why the sudden change of heart? Why would a nerd like you become a gang leader?”
Silence washed over Alex.
“You were famous, everyone knew you for your gaming skills. You were the talk of the arcades and the meets. No matter where you were from; North, South, East, West, you were on the lookout for the prodigy, Alex. Now you’re in a gang trying to take over the whole city with just Four members.” Giovanni said in disgust.
“Five.”
“Get real nerd. Five isn’t even enough for the Westside alone. Go back to games before you end up in an early grave.”

The conversation was ended early due to the intruder to the circle. Their aura could be felt before they even arrived. Now facing Giovanni was the thief who stole the spotlight, none other than, an alley cat. It brushed it’s black fur up against his legs as he bent down to pet it, Alex watching patiently.
“Hey there Buddy? How was your day? I’m in a fight right now Buddy so run along,” But the cat didn’t. Instead, it hid behind him, scared to death of the soon to arrive second intruder. This intruder came down heavy and breached from the back of the circle. It was Tessa. She now stood side to side with Alex, giving a death stare to the cat. Alex looked back and forth between her and Giovanni.
“Hey, there’s two cosplayers now.” Alex wasted no time pointing out.
“I had sensed more evil among the crowd but did not expect this. That fiend, always with the ambushes.”
Giovanni stood up, not fully understand the situation. “Are you calling Buddy here a fiend? He’s just another alleycat who has taken a liking to me. I’m Giovanni, I’m the fiend. You might not understand, but he completes the get-up. Get it? It’s a refer-”
Alex spoke for them both “We get the reference, but it’s not a white cat.”
“Yea, I wish it was.”
“I am surrounded by evil, I will let you live because of my partner wishes. Surrender now or prepare to fight.”
“That’s my line.”
“What line?”
“Are you like Link cos-player are something?” Giovanni asked, still not grasping the situation
“I am Tessa. I have come from another realm to face an evil even greater than that devil you protect.”
“So you want to get in on this loss?”
“If I understood that correctly, yes.”
“You did not,” Alex replies.

Alex and Tessa make eye contact and at that moment an unspoken prophecy began. Each party could see something in the other. Alex could see her resolve. The courage of this woman outweighed her brain by a lot, but he knew that makes an individual that much more dangerous. Simply by the way she carried herself, he could tell she knew the dance of battle. While in her eyes, she saw his aura. The aura of a man who fought to hurt. To an untrained eye it’d come off as malice, but she knew the aura of malice too well. This was different. [He lives to fight and fights just to fight. To live is to have reason, so a reason he must have.] And he did, which Tessa came to realize. He fought to find an equal, someone who would rise after being hurt to hurt him back or someone that strong to begin with. Tessa wondered if he knew that he just found that, and he did. By the look in his eyes, she saw he knew the dance of battle. So.... they danced.

Alex and Tessa nod at each other before stacking back to back. The fights quickly started up again. The clones rushed them, fading in and out of existence to keep from getting hit by Tessa wide covering sword beams. Even with Tessa’s speed, her sword took time to swing so soon the clones had made it too close to get a full one off. Alex and Tessa begun to dance around the fight, with Giovanni’s focus on two targets, his movements became chaotic, sometimes even out of sync. Alex didn’t throw any punches, he wanted to watch this mysterious girl who had needlessly come to his aid. Still pressured by the short distance between her and her foe, Tessa starts going for jabs with her sword, allowing her to attack back now. But this had gone to her head as a valid method of attacking and Giovanni could see through it. Too focused on jabbing, she was not able to ward off the swarm of clones that had jumped at her from the front. Giovanni ended her streak of dodging with a powerful backhand. Tessa flew to the ground but didn’t stay long, using the momentum to flip over.

[Nice try, but now you have no idea what’s going on in your blindspot till you look and Giovanni isn’t dumb enough to miss that opportunity.] Alex was right. Tessa had barely regained her balance before two clones rushed her from the front. It was the same setup they tried on Alex. Tessa ran into the clones, taking one punch but managing to dodge the second one. [Smart move taking the punches to give you more time to dodge the sweep. Wonder how you saw the sweep coming...] Tessa looked behind her, finally seeing her blind spot, just to be greeted with the incoming sweep. She jumps to the side in the last few seconds. [She didn’t know about the sweep?! Why’d she run into the punches for? She doesn’t know what she’s doing. And now she’s trapped now. How disappointing.]

 Now in the air, unable to dodge, the clones barraged towards her preparing to pounce. Tessa wasn’t out of it yet, from her pocket she pulled out the clawshot and shot it towards a very specific
Giovanni; the real one. Panicked, he creates several clones in front of him to block the shot. Hooking onto the first one sent Tessa flying towards their direction. With a spin and a yell, Tessa rode the wave of Giovannis’, slicing through each of them in a heavenly blade dance, ending with a kick to the chest on the real one. They flew back into a wall where the impact shook the building. The clones begin to vanish from around Alex.

Tessa steps out from the settling dust; Giovanni laid up against the wall, barely conscious. Alex stood relieved that his unspoken rival wasn’t a lost cause.
“Did you finished with a kick for style?”
“No, to keep a promise.”
“Not to kill,” Tessa answered, reading his mind.
“Well, that’ll be your downfall.”
Alex rushed her, but she was ready. They both ran towards each other but Alex speed was unmatched. Alex twirled around her before she could swing and with one punch he finished the job. Giovanni, who was inches away from Tessa with his pocket knife, had been stopped for good. He coughed up some blood before he burst into a pile of coins. The threat of the rival gang disappeared with their leading now dead and the members knocked out. Still, neither Alex nor Tessa could relax.

“Listen, since you did most of the work, why don’t you take him. Buy yourself something nice.”
“I will accept that offer,” she said, but they both didn’t move. It was a poly. A test from Alex to see if she’d let her guard down and she didn’t plan on failing.
“Are you going to pick it up or what?”
“Yes, I will do that… Now…”
Tessa began to circle around the pile of coins, all the while Alex mimicked her movements.
“Don’t be too scared, I don’t bite.”
“All animals act out from time to time,” by the time she finished, they had switched places entirely. The door behind Tessa was flung open but she didn’t even glance that direction. It was Gibby, out of breath and out of place. Not too sure about the situation at first, Gibby slowly understood what was going on.

“You killed one of The Greats Tessa?”
“If I understand the question correctly, yes.”
“You didn’t understand it at all,” Alex interrupted.
“Alex just let it be, Tessa doesn-”
“Don’t speak for her Gibby. Your words have done enough damage. ‘Did you kill a Great’, of course not. Not with your philosophy plaguing her mind. This isn’t some game world where you can playthrough some pacifist run. This is reality, where sparing a life can mean ending your own,” Alex removed his MMA gloves and stuffed them inside his jacket pocket. Finally catching up, Noa makes her way pass Gibby and walks up to Alex. Tessa and Gibby watched in silence as they approached each other and give each other two consecutive fist bumps.

“You’re the other member?!” Emotions flowed through Gibby that he didn’t understand. Noa hadn’t done anything wrong, but he still felt betrayed..
“Yea…” Noa seemed embarrassed that Gibby had learned this way.
“I don’t understand. How did this happen. Noa, please. Alex is not a good person.”
Noa turned away
Alex stepped in, “So that’s how it is huh? Since you have no power-up and no sense of commitment to bettering your fighting, you use your words you hurt people. Not only their feelings but their mindsets as well. THE WORLD ISN’T PERFECT GIBBY!” Alex screamed. “The world is in a constant state of decaying negatively. If we can’t be perfect as a collective, how can you expect us to be perfect alone.” “That’s not what I meant.” Alex turned and walked to Noa who was now looking over the edge of the building. “Look at it Noa. This land now belong to you. You’re part of The Greats now and your responsibility is to control the North. You can’t show weakness. Once you’re part of the team, nothing else matters. It’s us versus the world.”
“That’s just escapism. You’re helping feed into the world you hate.”
“Well what can I say Gibby. Don’t hate the player, hate the game”

Alex made his way to the pile of coins and picked them up. Tessa was still tense. Alex handed the coins to Tessa who complied. “Link has a shield you know,” Alex proclaimed before walking off. Tessa was still confused about Alex and Gibby argument, but she understood one thing.
“I don’t spare lives… I just keep my promises.” Alex didn’t turn around. He exited the rooftop leaving the trio to themselves. Alex had gotten down a flight of stairs before walking pass the cat that made his day.
“You’re the cat that lead that girl to me. I had to kill your owner, he was trying to play dirty.”
“No man owns me,” said the cat in a deep voice that you’d imagine would come from a towering beast.
“Interesting.” Alex didn’t even turn to look at the cat.
“You don’t look too surprised.”
“I’ve seen crazier.”
“You haven’t even seen me.”
Alex stopped and looked at the cat. Even without Tessa’s power to sense aura, he could feel the malice oozing from its very cute being.

Offline Crackhead Johny

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Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Light Novel?
« Reply #9 on: October 17, 2018, 08:49:10 PM »
1. Fit physique filled his uniform to the brim, + Boxer =  a prime target for bullying throughout his school life.
2. Throw a punch at the coach.. Yeah, that is a "Nope!". you do not get away with that.
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“No, I just wear these everywhere,” Alex replied, motioning at his MMA gloves.
[Probably better off that way. His fist could do some serious damage.]
With or without his fists can do some serious damage. With the gloves he doesn't have to worry about hurting his hands while doing the damage.
Also this doesn't work as an intro to the gang leader. It feels like you felt you had to insert this whole gang leader bit.

4. he was getting corner combo’d by a CPU.. followed up by his god of street fighter story. This doesn't work. People who can rock the best human players just brutalize an arcade machine. Fighting games run through the opponents and then your game is done. They do not have to set the difficulty high to get your money.

5. "beat-em-ups" Oh, hell no! Those are called "brawlers" people to young to remember arcades, make up new stupid names like that. Even worse are those who call Shooters, "Shoot em ups" and there is a special place in Hell for those who use the term "Schmups". Those are names that come from GFs who really hated the games thier BFs played and just made up names for them. "Eww. he plays video games like those beat-em-ups, god I don't know why I date him."
No arcade player would use that term. It is like having a devout Jewish character refer to Israel as Kikeistan.

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“Probably just like a glitch or something. If I ever meet god or something I’ll report it to him for you.”

Gibby knew Scotty felt bad, but he didn’t really mind the joke. Gibby had been bullied all his life for not being able to use his power-up. In today's world, everyone is born with a power-up
So we are doing Wreck It Ralph and not My Hero Academia.
AKA the "Everyone is super except the main character who lacks a super power or has one that doesn't work but in the end will find he has the best power of all." shtick.

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My lord, they start to play with his eyeballs like tennis balls
Doesn't work. Wrong size. Sure other people write stuff like this and it doesn't work when they do it either.

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The attack started with the dogs nipping at Gibby's shoes.
Nipping? Are these Pomeranians? Later is sounds like they are rottweilers.
Wait if it is Pomeranians then the eyeball thing works.. and the scene is pretty funny.

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Gibby was only here today because of his power-up, Game [Save/Load]. With this, he would load back to a save point everytime he died. It took the destruction of the entire earth to find out about his power, but with it, he has put his efforts towards stopping the event. This was his 29th try and he could only hope for the task to get easier.
so it is the "Everyone is super except the main character who lacks a super power or has one that doesn't work but in the end will find he has the best power of all." shtick. now with more "Groundhog's Day"

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This time around Gibby played things differently leading up to Noa’s death. Instead of joining the arcade club, he tried to raise as many flags as he could with her, leading to a substantial amount of near-death experiences.
Tried to raise red flags? Wait you are not using "The Stupid Secret" are you? By this I mean the cliche where for no good reason a character withholds a secret so there can be drama. They have no reason to keep this secret and often many many reasons not to.
You are already running Groundhog's Day, when people rip this off the MC just goes through the time loop until they can prove to someone that they are. So why doesn't he just prove to Noa what is going to happen?

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Gibby took a stance.
Gibby sure takes on a lot of stances for a helpless boxer who gets bullied all the time.

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Gibby arrived in front of his destination, out of breath from the run. He wasted no time on recovering and ran straight to the back. Things begin to get weird as he climbs up the side of the house. I start to feel as though someone should call the cops as he opens the window to Noa’s house. Clearly, he has done this before, slipping through the window, he comes out the other side right into a room filled with stuffed animals and video games. Gibby can hear the pitter-patter of water.
[ Oh no, she’s in the shower now?]
The water suddenly stopped. Panicked, Gibby runs into the closet.
[*censored*! What if she’s naked! I mean I wouldn’t mind… but she’d kill me if I saw. Maybe she wouldn’t mind her?]
Gibby contemplated these thoughts as the footsteps got closer and the bedroom door swung open.
[ Her clothes are in here…]
He silently facepalms himself. Gibby could hear someone getting closer and closer to the door as impure thought ran through his head. The door opened to reveal Noa fully cloth in her usual get up; A hoodie(this time pink) and a short skirt. She wasn’t too happy to see Gibby in her closet.
For his 29th run this doesn't work AT ALL.
Besides you have seen the "embarrassed and hiding in closet"/"hiding in closet and might see the object of affection's beewbs" dead horse beaten so many times, do you really want to get in the line so you can beat it too?
If you are going to plagiarize this bit you have to use it on run #1 so he knows not to do it again. What did he do in her room the other 28 times? How did he not know she was in the shower or dressed after 29 runs?

When stealing other people's stuff you have to know how it works or it is just stuffing pieces from the wrong puzzle into your puzzle and people notice.

So what is up with the whole video game thing? Arcades died when the PS 1 killed them. We have terrible anime like SAO that uses it and fails miserably due to not understanding MMOs/MMO players (well and the garbage writing). We have anime like .Hack where it is a worthless layer which could be removed leaving a fantasy anime. So why have it? Is it just for the title? Will this become more clear if I read more?
Are you old enough to remember arcades? Noa would be completely out of place there. The only women/girls ever seen there were looking for their children/boyfriends and they were few and far between (arcade culture didn't date much).
With TV and anime's 90+% (Wreck it Ralph was formulaic and cliche ridden but not as bad as expected) failure rate to make a good video game based series I cringe when I hear someone is writing one. I'm not saying you cannot make the first and greatest, I'm just saying odds are stacked against you. ROD did an amazing story about a Librarian with paper/book powers proving people do achieve difficult things, so I'm not counting you out yet. I just look at the difficulty as about as high as making a compelling story about castrating cattle. Of course I guess no one respects those who only play on easy.

I will look at the other chapters later.

By the way, what is a light novel? On the internet I have been lead to believe it is a manga in book form without pictures or a just manga or possibly a manga with lots of words between the pictures.
« Last Edit: October 17, 2018, 08:55:47 PM by Crackhead Johny »

Offline Crackhead Johny

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Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Chapther?
« Reply #10 on: October 17, 2018, 09:05:46 PM »
@coryn, understood, thanks. I'm a bit afraid to criticize others. I feel like I'm too opinionated and I'm not always correct. I also feel as though I focus way too much on trying to improve their work rather than how good their work is and I sound real bi***y. I'll try around and see if I can improve on that myself.
Personally I prefer to know if my house's roof is leaking, it is infested with rats, the couch is made of pure anthrax, and the kitchen is on fire.. and not how pretty my siding is.

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@Suuper Thanks for reading I really appreciate it. Firstly, yea I'm going to have to get rid of the names in the first chapter because I made the 2nd and 3rd chapters regular. So that's a daunting task I have to do since it's almost rewriting the whole thing.
Speaking of rewriting, the Persona comparison I was already not feeling, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to just do a regular explanation. I see now that since this is my MC's 30th time using it, he should be able to give a good explanation of how it works, so I'll just hope on the exposition train.
Groundhog's Day never explains it. Some things go right down the tube when you try to explain what is in the black box. Remember midichlorians? DON"T DO THAT!
If you have an explanation that works use it, if you do not, just leave it in the black box. With Groundhog's Day being plagiarized so much I think most people understand the time loop/reset thing.

As I go back through the page it looks like you are considering releasing this somewhere. I would polish it more before thinking about that. You will draw comparisons between your work and others, some of which may not be complimentary.
« Last Edit: October 17, 2018, 09:14:00 PM by Crackhead Johny »

Offline Crackhead Johny

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Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Light Novel?
« Reply #11 on: October 19, 2018, 05:32:33 PM »
Gibby vs Marmaduke. How is Marmaduke fighting Gibby at all? A boxer vs a body builder with no fighting experience wins fast. Donkey Kong strength doesn't matter.
The guy who trained me in boxing could tell me which side of my head he was going to hit me on and which hand he was going to use to do it and I couldn't stop him even with experience. Yes, I was a gym rat who was slow but still experience in that art leave you able to really do things.
I had a friend who was a light weight and instead of a handshake on greetings he would simply put a hand in each of my armpits and lift my heavy weight self above his head without using his legs. Real casual and relaxed, no effort. Real boxers are scary strong (I was out of the game and he was doing fights for the Angels)
"Nerds" pushing around boxers really doesn't work. 1 punch and the pencil neck breaks.

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Killing was taboo,
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“Did you finished with a kick for style?”
“No, to keep a promise.”
“Not to kill,” Tessa answered, reading his mind.
“Well, that’ll be your downfall.”
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The threat of the rival gang disappeared with their leading now dead
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This is reality, where sparing a life can mean ending your own
So killing is taboo or expected?

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Over 20 people sprinted onto the roof, forming a circle around Alex. They were mostly armed with junk that could pass as a usable weapon; trash lids, busted pipes, broken bottles, and a chair.
They all have super powers right? Why would they show up with trash? Superman never shows up with a broken bottle.

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As their numbers dropped, the remaining members started to use their power-ups.
Well I showed up at the Indy 500 but only decided to use my car after I got lapped 3x.
If you have super powers and are expected by your boss to win, you start by using your powers.

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Now you’re in a gang trying to take over the whole city with just Four members
Yeah, about that.. will it be explained later? 5 people cannot adequately deal drugs to a whole city, they cannot control prostitution for a whole city, even "protection" is impossible for a large city.
Yes, every anime/manga with "gang" leaders forgets why gangs want territory... Oh no! Great Teacher Onizuka, how could you?!
School rivalries, sure but gangs gets a little more gritty. I can do gritty.

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He coughed up some blood before he burst into a pile of coins.
I f'ing hated f'ing Scott Pilgrim (the movie).
People read this all they are going to say is "Scott Pilgrim"

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Alex removed his MMA gloves and stuffed them inside his jacket pocket.
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“No, I just wear these everywhere,” Alex replied, motioning at his MMA gloves.
Umm

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Now you’re in a gang trying to take over the whole city with just Four members.” Giovanni said in disgust.
“Five.”
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The door behind Tessa was flung open but she didn’t even glance that direction. It was Gibby, out of breath and out of place
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Noa makes her way pass Gibby and walks up to Alex. Tessa and Gibby watched in silence as they approached each other and give each other two consecutive fist bumps.
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“You’re the other member?!” Emotions flowed through Gibby
Maybe Gibby's gift is that he is psychic and a master of remote viewing. He was not there for "five".

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You’re part of The Greats now and your responsibility is to control the North.
So five members.. North, South, East, West, and center? each gets a throne/bus stop? With no support what are they each doing in their area?

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“ I am not Link. I am Tessa and I’ve been summoned here to save this world from evil.” This made Gibby crack a smile.
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“Listen, since you did most of the work, why don’t you take him. Buy yourself something nice.”
“I will accept that offer,” she said, but they both didn’t move. It was a poly. A test from Alex to see if she’d let her guard down and she didn’t plan on failing.
“Are you going to pick it up or what?”
“Yes, I will do that… Now…”
Tessa began to circle around the pile of coins, all the while Alex mimicked her movements
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Alex made his way to the pile of coins and picked them up. Tessa was still tense. Alex handed the coins to Tessa who complied
Why does she care? She is from another world and has no idea what the coins are. They could be manure for all she knows.
In my world if someone gets killed horribly I do not want to touch the end result, especially if it is way different than what i would expect.

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“You’re the cat that lead that girl to me. I had to kill your owner, he was trying to play dirty.”
The cat was there, it knows if there was dirty play.

So aside from the "other people's Legos" issues..
Is their power duplication? It seems like every power in the world requires a video game. 7.7 billion people. I'm not sure there have been that many video game things that could become powers. So there is probably duplication.

OH GOD, SOME PEOPLE HAVE POWERS BASED ON Boong-Ga Boong-Ga!!!
« Last Edit: October 19, 2018, 05:42:14 PM by Crackhead Johny »

Offline Coryn

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Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Light Novel?
« Reply #12 on: October 20, 2018, 01:55:13 AM »
I got it for yah. As future reference: just shoot a mod a message and ask for a removal.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline Crackhead Johny

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Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Light Novel?
« Reply #13 on: October 20, 2018, 05:42:10 PM »
I got it for yah. As future reference: just shoot a mod a message and ask for a removal.
Thank you.
Now can you prevent people getting super powers based on  Boong-Ga Boong-Ga?

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I just look at the difficulty as about as high as making a compelling story about castrating cattle.
So after passing out and waking up... apparently I'm writing this.
Roll for blame.
I'm OK with EZ mode. Why does drunk me do these things?
Good god no one is going to ask "Who would win in a fight?" when this character just castrates. Goku ain't touching that. Pyrrhic victories that leave you hung like a Ken doll... Nope nope nope.
I think it is best for all of us if I put "Dick Clipper" out to pasture. Richard had a few good hours, that should be enough for a character.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2018, 10:04:41 PM by Crackhead Johny »

Offline Coryn

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Re: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Light Novel?
« Reply #14 on: October 21, 2018, 09:04:35 AM »
Only as long as they try it while logged in here  ::)

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF