August 20, 2018, 08:14:24 PM

------------------------------------------

If you have Login Problems Use the Login in Top Menu Bar


------------------------------------------
If you have a problem registering here, Leave a msg at our FB Page >> Here.

Plz Don't use Hotmail to Register. You might not receive Activation mail. Use Other free mail provider like Gmail or Yahoo.






Author Topic: A Flaw in the Force  (Read 315 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Rushded

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 15
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
A Flaw in the Force
« on: May 24, 2018, 07:44:53 PM »
Hi guys,
Hope its ok to post this here. This is a bit of star wars fanfic I wrote after watching episode 2. Hope you guys like it.

A Flaw in the Force
Chapter 1 – Best Kept Secret
Spoiler
It something they never taught you in jedi school. Something you never even learnt in secret, because the truth was that not even the teachers knew and the few they did, they did not want anyone else to find out.

The truth about the force... That if you live long enough, no matter  how devout, how honest and good inside you are, everybody goes dark…

The Jedi order are taught to contain their emotion. For all of his jedi life, Mace Windu had lived by that rule. It wasn’t until the events on Naboo that would change everything for him.

Mace grew up knowing only a few people on his home planet Haruun Kal. He was 4 years old when he met her. Probably the only other kid within 100 miles that was around his age. Her name was  Fiolla. She was a tomboy with tangled messy red hair, a toothy smile and freckles that joined a bit together at the nose. Turns out they both liked the same sorts of things. They would act out fighting in great wars and duelling as pretend Jedis. By the age of 6, the two were inseparable and wild. They would climb the highest trees and explore the deepest of jungles. The two now best friends thought they would be able to spend their whole life playing with each other, but then it happened…

Mace paced around Fiolla carefully watching her movements, constantly changing his grip on the wooden stick in his hand so as not to be caught off guard. His arm still stung in pain from the last successful blow she had landed on him.

‘You’re not going to move first this time?’ said Fiolla with a light chuckle.

‘Hmph… You were just lucky that on that last one.’ Retorted Mace.

‘Oh really?....Let’s see how you do against this!’

Fiolla changed the grip on her stick, turned her feet and pushed off from the dirt forcing her stick forward for an almighty lunge.

It was enough to catch Mace off guard.

‘Force push!’ yelled Mace as he held out his hand at her.

Fiolla went flying back, rolling several times as she hit to floor.

‘Wow…nice acting Fiolla. You almost had me convinced…’

‘I wasn’t…’ said Fiolla who then fell quickly silent as she slowly brought up her hand. The stick she was using had impaled all the way through her right hand. The bottom of the stick had begun to turn a pale red. Fiolla let out pained scream. Uncontrollable tears rolled down her face and she bolted away back toward her home.

‘FIOLLA!, FIOLLAA!!’ yelled Mace, but she just kept running. ‘I’m sorry…’ said Mace softly.

A week later, the ship arrived to take Mace off to Jedi Academy. His parents gave their last goodbyes. Mace could see Fiolla in the distance with a bandaged hand being gripped by her parents.
Fiolla wrestled free and ran towards Mace. Her parents chasing shortly behind.

‘I…I’m sorry about your hand…’ said Mace.

‘I’m sorry too... I shouldn’t of told them about your power. Said Fiolla. Her voice quaking. Her eyes barely containing the watery tears.

‘Promise me we’ll meet again’ said Fiolla

‘I promise…’

Fiolla gives Mace a warm hug

‘I heard that a Jedi never makes a promise they are not certain they can keep… ’

Fiollas parents catch up and cautiously pull her away from Mace and begin escorting her away. She turns around and smiles.

‘See you around Mace Windu.’ She said.

Mace waves at her as she walks away until she is nothing but a featureless silhouette.

A man in a ragged brown cloak gives Mace a light push on his back.

‘It’s time to go young Padawan.’

Once aboard the ship, the man in the cloak takes his hood off and introduces himself. He has a black wiry beard that is starting to gray around the edges.

‘It’s good to have you with us. My name is Sirius. Please don’t be nervous. You’re going to a school to unlock your potential. It’s going to let you see the universe in a whole new light.

Mace looks at him strangely.

‘…It’s a good thing. Trust me.’

When they finally arrived at the academy, Mace couldn’t believe his eyes. Kids around his age juggling blocks with their mind, others were bouncing around walls and rooftops with incredible 20 meter high jumps. As they walked inside, he saw a classroom room where students were making sculptures out of water.
In the hallway, another cloaked individual walks up to Sirius and taps him on the shoulder.

‘Sirius, the c-’

‘Council wants to see me. Brilliant… I’ll be right over.’

As Sirius heads past the individual, he lets out a deep sigh, before heading toward a large room full of Jedi. Some holograms sat in place of the empty seats.

Before entering, he knelt down to the boy.

‘Stay here young one. I’ll be back soon.’

He entered the room and was met with a look of disdain by several of the council members.

‘So you’ve brought a new padawan. How old is he…?’

‘Well he’s 6 bu-‘

‘Is this boy not too old for Jedi training? ‘

‘Oh no. This boy has been training since he was 6 months old boy from Jedi Knight Doth Rhaal.’

‘That Jedi flunky. I thought he was dead.’

‘What of his parents?’
 
‘Dead… Yes, unfortunately they died in the jungle, before he got to know them. I can assure you there won’t be any emotional attachment that would distract him from our jedi teachings. He just needs a teacher.’

‘Powerful in the force I sense. Send him to me, you will. Test him, I must.’

‘As you wish, Master Yoda.’

‘Thankyou Sirius, you are dismissed…’

Sirius grabs Mace from the hallway and takes his to a quiet area of the academy.

‘Mace, can you show me you force power?’

‘I can, but I don’t want to hurt anyone...’

‘It’s ok Mace, I’m a Jedi Master. Show me what you can do…’

‘Alright….’ Says Mace ‘Force push!’ he yells as he holds out his hand towards Sirius.

The power was enough to make Sirius stumble back a few steps despite being ready for it.
‘Wow, that was very good young padawan, but you don’t need to shout it out like you’re some wizard casting a spell. This is the force, not some hocus-pocus magic.’

‘Sorry sir….’

‘Don’t ever apologise to anyone for you gift! Come, let’s go off to meet Yoda. He was my teacher and soon he will likely be yours. You are in good hands now Mace.’

He leads Mace to Yodas quarters and escorts him inside before carrying on his way. Another jedi with a scraggly beard and long blonde hair approaches. Sirius knew him well. His old friend Qui-Gon Jin

‘So, I heard that whole story you just told the council… Were you being ‘Serious?’ said Qui-Gon chuckling under his breath.

‘Oh very good... Making fun of my name again. Very droll. To be honest Qui-gon, it was a bit of a white lie, but the jedi council and their rules are simply absurd. How can we be expected to train babies. You’d think the academy was a day-care centre. Will you keep this secret?

‘I can think of worse things you’ve told me. I will take this secret to my grave Master Dooku…’

Chapter 2 – Chance Encounter
Spoiler
Mace grew becoming a devout disciple and keeper of the Jedi code. After many years, Mace had seen many missions and attained the rank of Jedi Master and had crafted a sabre from a unique amethyst like the one from his dreams. He was now one of the most trusted and respected of the Jedi Council.

At this time Mace was now a man of 42 years old. The council had kept him very busy on missions to keep the balance. More so recently, which had made Mace suspicious that something far more sinister was happening.
A recent mission lead him to Naboo to meet with Queen Amidala. She had many faithful servants. He almost didn’t notice her at first among them, but then there were those freckles, barely visible under all the makeup, but they were there, joining together at the nose. The most unique he had seen in all the galaxy.

She instantly recognised him and smiled politely. Mace nearly tripped as he walked past, but then used the force to make an immediate and discreet recovery. He had never before seen her in this light. So grown up.. She looked beautiful.

He sent her a message on a  piece of paper using the force to kite the message along the floor out of sight of the others. On it was a request to meet in secret on the outskirts of the city on the hill that kissed the stars.
That night he waited patiently on the hill. He tried to meditate to pass the time, but his thoughts were a jumbled mess. He kept asking himself if he gave the right details. What if she didn’t show…What if she does show… What does he say to her…. This is not how a jedi should act...

His scrambled thoughts were quickly silenced by her arrival. She wore white gloves and a pale blue dress that seemed to glimmer in the moonlight at each fold. Her red hair rolled over one brow partially hiding her emerald coloured eyes.

‘You look good Mace.’ She said with a sly smile.

Fiolla stumbled over her dress as she made her way towards him. Mace reacted quickly and grabbed her hand before she fell. He hand felt solid and unnatural. He quickly realised what had happened.

‘Your hand… I’m sorry…’
‘Oh. I didn’t mean for you to... My hand never fully recovered from that day, so my folks had it replaced. Don’t be sorry though! I think it’s kinda kick-ass!

‘If I’d known I’d…’

‘Quit Jedi-ing?’

‘I would!’

‘…If you didn’t have strict Jedi rules I’d kiss you right now. Please know I could never ask that of you.’

Mace leaned in closer and whispered ‘That’s exactly why I would do it.’ He said and smiled.

She gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

‘I’m sorry, I…’

Mace grabbed her and gave her a kiss right back.

The rest of the night they spent chatting and giggling. Talking about their old times. It was the first time in his life he had felt like he truly had something worth living for. Mace had fallen in love.

…It was also the first time he had broken the code. He had always followed the rules that was taught to him. To always keep his emotions in check, but now unchained from those restrictions, Mace had never felt more in tune with the force.

However, there was something deeply unsettling that had come with it. This newly acquired force sensitivity had allowed him to sense a rising in the dark side.  Subsequently Mace began to lose sleep.

He continued to live his life playing the part of the of the strict jedi master, all the while meeting with his beloved in secret. A few months later and Fiolla was now pregnant with twins.  Life was pretty good, however Mace could sense the dark presence growing stronger still. He decided it was no longer safe for his princess, especially now she was expecting…

The next few weeks, Mace spent preparing for the worst. Fiolla didn’t see much of him in this time, but when she did, he looked more and more haggard, until the day came where he asked her to meet her once again on the hill that kissed the stars.

She climbed up the hill that night happy to finally be able to see him again, but when she did see him, Mace did not look so happy.

‘Fiolla, I need you to do something.’

‘Of course. You name it!’

‘I need you to leave.’

‘What! …Are you breaking-‘

‘No no. Of course not.. It’s just... I sense it no longer being safe here. ‘

‘Mace, are you serious? Your starting to scare me…’

‘Listen, Tomorrow morning I need you to go to the starport. They’ll be a man named Londor. He’ll be wearing a sweater the colour of my saber. Take this with you.

Mace hands her a large bag.

‘…Its got some essentials. Some recordings I made for the kids in case…’

‘In case what!? Your coming back to us right!?... Promise me your coming back…’

‘Fiolla, you know I can’t make a promise I’m not sure I can ke-‘

‘Promise me!’

‘I…I promise.’

‘Alright. I…I’ll see you soon Mace Windu.’

Fiolla smiled and did her best to hold back the tears. She gave him a kiss on the cheek, before the two parted ways.

Not long after, Maces suspicions were confirmed. A fellow Jedi named Anakin Skywalker had advised him that the Chancellor was in fact Darth Sidious. Preparing for the worst, Mace gathered some elite Jedi knights to confront and arrest the Chancellor, but Sidious was not to be underestimated. 

The jedi group crashed into Palpatines quarters.

"In the name of the Galactic Senate of the Republic, you're under arrest, Chancellor." Boomed Mace.

The Chancellor gave them a wicked stare and the jedi lit up the lightsabers in response.
“Are you threatenting me, Master Jedi?”

With a quick flick of the wrist the chancellor had already list his saber and struck down one Jedi. His saber giving off a ominous red glow. A faint smell of burnt flesh filled the air as the surviving jedi paced around the Darth lord.

For a moment the remaining jedi succumbed briefly to the dark side. Seeing their comrade and long-time friend slain before their eyes was enough to trigger a rage that had silently been building up inside of them.
They lept at the chancellor with beastly ferocity, but they too were struck down just as quickly as the first, leaving only Mace and Palpatine staring each other down as they circled each other over the burnt corpses.
The chancellor made the first move, using the force to fly through the air like a bullet. It reminded him of Fiollas great lunge at him and also why he needed to fight on. With a quick shuffle of his feet, Mace narrowly dodges the blow. He swings at Palpatine as he passes. Their sabres connect with this squeal like the sound of lava on meeting ice.

In his frustration, Palpatine begins attacking in a frenzy and though he fought like a demon and moved like a god but Maces will was stronger. He needed to survive, because there was someone waiting for him and there was a promise he needed to keep.

As victory was his grasp, it quickly dissipated as one of their most trusted jedi disciples betrayed him. Anakin Skywalker severed his lightsabre arm, giving Mace no way to defend himself.  The Chancellor quickly taking the opportunity to burn him with lightning. Mace felt himself falling from the skyscraper. Each muscle in his body had merged together in a sticky burnt mess. He knew most of his nerve endings had been fried but he still felt an indescribable pain.

He mumbled his final words to the rapidly shrinking clouds above. ‘I’m sorry Fiolla….’

On a distant planet, the pregnant Fiolla felt her heart snap and this overwhelming feeling of loss come over her. She knew only too well what it meant. Her beloved would no longer come back to her and the universe was no longer safe…

Chapter 3 – The Windu Twins
Spoiler
Years later, Fiolla and her twins remain in hiding. They do not visit any towns speak with any other apart from themselves. They live off the land and off the grid. Both children were blessed with an affinity to the force.

A freckled boy with fiery messy red hair much like herself but with an even fiery temperament. She named him “Muave” after his father’s beloved saber. Fiolla worries he may venture down the wrong path.

His twin sister would be his polar opposite. She had mocha coloured skin, tidy long black hair and was extremely studious and devout. Fiolla named her Hope and prayed they could stay safe until they all grew old together.

“Guys, its around that time…Are you ready to do some training with your father?” said Fiolla.

“Yes!” said Hope.

“Yeah… I guess” said Muave noticeably less enthused.

Mace, being someone that was always prepared had recorded numerous holo-tapes in case he should never return. They contained lessons on using the force, a saber and a training droid.

Fiolla hated the thought her children might one day have to use this training to fight for their lives. It was, however nice that she could see him again, even if it was only a recording.

During their practice, Muave took a break and tapped Fiolla on the shouler…

“Mum?”

“What is it Dear?”

“What was Dad like? I know we have these holos…. But what was he really like?’

“Well…I guess I’d say that your father was a good man.. Well, he maybe loved his sabre a little too much...no, jokes aside he was a great Jedi, an even greater husband and I think he would have made an even better father. I wish you could of met him. He would of been so proud of you both.”

Muave gave a wide toothless grin before running back to his training.


Many years passed…
Muave is now a fiery teen with a quick temper. Hope does her best to keep him in check. Both have come far with their training, but Hope has surpassed Muave in force attunement, much to his disgruntlement.

For all these years they were able to remain hidden, but today is different. Fiolla lie sick in bed, the medicine they need is in town. She asks Hope to go and to make sure she stay inconspicuous.

“Why can’t I go?! I’ve never been to the city!” says Muave

“I need someone to look after me.”

“Hope can stay and I’ll go!”

“Enough!*Cough, *cough. Fiolla go! Remember what I told you.”

Muave angrily storms out the room. Hope kisses Fiolla on her forehead before setting out.

“I’ll be back soon mum. Take care of yourself.”

After half a days trek, Hope makes it to the city. Never had she seen so many people before. So many creatures and markets. It was a little overwhelming at first, but she quickly became enamoured by it. However, she remembered what her father had taught her. That she needed to keep her emotions in check and she had an important mission she needed to get done.

As she waded through to the city centre she couldn’t help but feel eyes were upon her. She quickened her pace and made her pathing increasingly sporadic. Her suspicions were confirmed as she felt a presence follow her down an empty alleyway.

As the pursuer got close, she pounced forcing the individual to the ground. The impact like a heavy log.

“*pant, *cough. What’s the big idea sis?”

“Muave! What the hell are you doing following me!?”

“heh, Thought you could use the help. Two jedis are better than one after all.”

“*sigh. Fine just stay out of trouble. “

As the two make their way to the medicine shop, Hope notices Muave eating on an apple.

“Hey, where did you get that? Did you use what I think?”

“Relax sis, the force is meant to be used for good. Getting an apple to feed someone hungry, ie… me, is a good deed.”

“Oh Muave… please. Just promise me you wont use your power again.”

“geez sis, its not like I-“

“please, just don’t do it again!”

“Alright, fine…”

Muave kept his word and did not use his powers the rest of the day, but it was too late. Someone noticed and the word about this got out to a most horrifying individual…

Chapter 4 – Hope to despair
Spoiler
As they made their way back home, they reminisced about the town and all the people there. They talked about going back there once mum was better.

When they neared home, they noticed signs that something was wrong. There was an extra set of footprints among theirs. A tracker had traced their steps. When they made it home, they found the window was smashed, the door was broken in. Muave felt his chest tighten and his heart start to beat faster as they cautiously made their way closer.

“Come in, come in…” said an unfamiliar voice.

“I know you’re out there. I can feeeel your presceeence…”

“Come in if you miss your mommy…”

Hope grabbed a stick while Muave grabbed a rock. The two cautiously entered the house, only to find a black skinned Twi’lek with ruby coloured eyes holding a knife to their mother’s throat.

“Tut, tut, no need for the hostilities…Drop your weapons.

Their hearts sank at the image before them. After a short pause, they dropped their weapons.
“What do you want!?” shouted Hope

The Twi’lek held some communication equipment up to his mouth.

“I’ve got them. A goody too shoos the mum named hope, and the other named Muave, a potential candidate.”
Fiolla looked at them wearily. It was obvious from her eyes that he had tortured her for information.

“Run” Gasped Fiolla.

“Ruuuunn!!!” she screamed as she stabbed the Twi’lek in the leg with a fork.

The mum pushed away from his grasp, but the Twi’lek simply held out his hand in the air and she was frozen. A subtle movement of his fingers caused a sickly sounding snap from Fiollas neck. Her lifeless body slumped to the floor.

Without a moments hesitation , Hope pulled her fathers saber from nearby and began savagely striking at the Twi’lek. She gave him barely enough time to pull out his own saber to defend himself. He was a strong and experienced sith combatant but she was a monster.

She attacked in a frenzied state using only one hand to strike at him with her saber. The twi-lek was barely able to fend off her attacks by gripping his saber with two hands, however Hopes free hand enabled her to use the force to pull cutlery into his undefended sides. He had never seen someone so in tune with the force.
Moments later, he lay at her feet in a bloody mess. Knives, forks and all sharp instruments had punctured through his legs, back and arms. He looked like a porcupine of cutlery. Hope had missed all his major arteries, because she had wanted him to suffer.

“Hmfph…*aaah. Your too late… *ah…They’re already coming for you…haha”

The whirring sounds of TIE fighters could be heard whizzing past outside.

“Run from here, Muave. Run and hide! I’m not done here yet!”

Her voice had become a deep croak. The darkness had crept into her. He watched briefly as she began to slowly burn the attackers leg off causing an agonized scream from the Twi’lek.

Muave ran barely able to see forward from the tears that covered his eyes. He looked up to see a great monolith of a star destroyer in orbit above the planet like an unnatural sword shaped moon. He hid in the trees as storm troopers swarmed past him and even though he was now miles from home, he could still hear the Twi’leks tortured screams.

Storm troopers arrived outside the twins home to the be greeted by the smell of burnt twi’lek flesh. They surrounded the home and then a small elite group headed inside.

“Are you next!?” said Hope maliciously

The squad leader found her leaning on a severed leg. A soft whimpering could be heard in the corner of the room. There they found the remains of the twi’lek, just a torso and his head crying weakly. It caused the squad leader the need to immediately run out, take off his helmet and throw up.

The storm troopers that surrounded the house outside began to shuffle aside leaving a gap. From the gap, a mysterious Sith Lord appeared. He was shrouded in black rags that covered his body and face. He walked like someone who could barely stand. If it weren’t for his entourage, one might easily mistake him from a street beggar, but it also this appearance that made him easily recognisable as one of the upper echelons of the sith.
The Sith lord began hobbling toward the house seemingly getting stronger with each step. He enters the home to find five soldiers pointing a gun toward Hope.

“Tell your men to lower their weapons or I’ll cut their arms off.”

“Soldiers, lower your weapons!”

The soldiers looked toward each other before one of them gave a subtle nod. They slowly put them down.
“You may leave.” Said the Sith lord

“Sir I-“

The lord glared at him causing the soldiers to quickly scurry away. They had learnt the hard way not to question a siths orders, yet he had almost made the mistake. They left the house thankful there were no fatal repercussions as a result.

Inside the home, the sith gleefully inspected the premises.

“I love what you’ve done with the place.”

“So you’re the one that thinks they’re going to kill me.”

“On the contrary, I want you to join us.”

Hopes saber lit up like the sound of a hurricane in a wind tunnel. The next second she was attacking the lord with the same ferocity she had previously displayed. She was strong, perhaps even stronger than him, but the lord had a few tricks at his disposal.

He snapped a sink faucet and used the force to disperse the water. After a few narrow dodges from Hopes saber, he crackled lightning from his fingertips leaving her incapacitated and twitching on the floor.

“I think I understand you young jedi. You want to change the cruel fate of the universe, but you need power to do it. Join us and you will attain that power. The power of the dark side…”

“*gasp…I’ll do it… I’ll join you.”

“Oh? I expected you’d need more convincing. Welcome to the Empire Muave”

“It’s Hope. My name is Hope…”

Chapter 5 – A Galaxy far far away…
Spoiler
Hope joining their ranks was a great prize for the Sith. They had expected an ill-tempered rebellious jedi to join, but not Hope which intel had advised, was the polar-opposite of this. It meant that perhaps someone that was seemingly incorruptible could be corrupted and the potential for Sith recruitment could reach new heights of power.  They just needed to find a weak point. It also meant this Sith lord was one step closer to proving his theory.

The Sith Lord stepped on board his personal shuttle with Hope in tow. A storm trooper places a bloody rug-sack on one of the seats ships, taking care to strap it tightly in for the ride. Garbled whimpering can be heard coming from the sack.

“Oh, hush now Zuhuca. You certainly did a number on him.”

Hope stares quietly at the Sith Lord.

“Right, I suppose should introduce myself. My name is Magus. Forgive me if I am a little guarded around you. It is very rare for a jedi to convert so readily.”

Hope remains still, hiding all emotion.

“Your brother will come to the dark side…in time.”

“You better stay away from him.”

“Even if we don’t find him, he’ll turn. We all do eventually.”

“Why do you sith have the need to lie?”

“Oh? Let me tell you a story. I was just a young boy at the jedi academy when I first noticed it…”

“There was a jedi master there. Very short but looked up to by everyone as if he were 10 feet tall. His name was Yoda. You probably know of him. It seems everybody does. I was just a boy at the time when I noticed it. Yoda was a very composed and accomplished teacher, but whenever something didn’t go his way, he would retreat to his quarters briefly before returning. One day, I deliberately broke something of his. He then retreated and I followed him…

In his personal quarters, he began to do the most peculiar thing, He clutched at his head and it looked like he was screaming, but without making a sound. He then took a deep breath and began counting backwards. He then headed back to the classroom like nothing had ever happened, but curious I was, so I did it again and I kept doing it. Yoda began to practice saying the alphabet backwards. Soon he began to speak sentences backwards, then one day when he came to class, that had become the way that he spoke.

And here’s my theory. Everybody goes dark. Yoda knew this and he was already petering on the edge. His simple meditation trick was only going to take him so far. The sith annihilation of the Jedi order would be enough to push him over…

He hated that he had to run and hide. He hated they killed his pupils and was angry that they destroyed the jedi order he had worked so hard to build.

Yoda knew he would go dark and exiled himself on Dagobah, destroying his ship to make sure he would not join the sith and their destructive reign on the galaxy. For 2 decades he remained there, tainted by the darkness, full of rage. For a long time Yoda fought his dark side urges, before confronting it in a cave on Dagobah. He fought his dark side self but realised that it was not something that could be beaten with sheer strength or will. It was only when he accepted it as a part of him that he could find peace.”

“You sure do talk a lot Sith.”

“Hmm, I’m still not sure why you’ve joined us, but you will see our way in time…”

Years pass…
The war between the Rebellion and the Empire have made it to the furthest reaches of the galaxy. The rebel fleet has been all but annihilated. The empire have sent a massive ground assault to destroy the last rebel stronghold.

Hope moves across the battlefield like wind on water. Each ripple like a tidal wave of destruction. With the sword as her shield and the force as her weapon, her enemies fall to the floor like leaves in autumn. She roams around the battlefield with a single purpose, and then she senses it. However, it is not on the battlefield as expected. She follows her sense to the outskirts of the fight and finds a dimly lit cave. There she finds him…

His face is still scarred from the last confrontation she had with him. Over a thousand woman and children huddle together behind him.

“Hello my…dear…brother”

“Hello Hope…”

“My name is Darth Relius now. I thought I told you that last time, or did my lightning fry a few too many brain cells.”

“Please, sister…do what you will with me, but these people. They’re the family of the soldiers I’ve been tasked to protect. They have nothing to do with any of this…”

“I wish I could, but Rebels breed rebellions. They too must be destroyed.

“…why are you doing this?”

“Hmm… At first it was to avenge our parents, but after thinking more about it, I realised the Empire will keep going until someone changes it from the inside, but then after a while I finally realised what they are trying to do.”

“…”

“The ships we build, the new technology we create. It serves one purpose. To fuel a never-ending war. Even trade and cargo ships have shields and weapons for taking on laser fire. Before the empire, there was constant in-fighting amongst various groups in the galaxy. What if there was only one group?”

“You don’t see it do you?”

“What’s that?”

“You’ve allowed yourself to become a pawn of the dark-side. You were too far gone to notice.”

“I admit the Empire does some horrible things, things I wish never to have to repeat, but a Universe united, even under a horrible, rule is better than one divided.”

“Heh.. I always use to think you were the smart one of use…”

Their sabres lit up almost synchronously and they began to pace around each other carefully looking for any subtle movements. A twitch of one of their fingers sends them both into a dance of deadly acrobatics and sabre flurries.

Muave sensed an attack from coming from elsewhere in the cave and with lightning reflexes, brought his sabre in to deflect the hit.

The next moment, he felt his body falling to the floor. None of limbs responded. He was completely paralysed. Was this another force user or did his sister land a blow Muave thought to himself. He did not think he was injured. He could not feel any pain. A moment later and his sister suffered the same fate, falling down on the floor next to him with a thud.

“What did you do to me!?” Hope Sneered.

“You mean it wasn’t you? Than who th-“

‘It’s strange. I didn’t even sense anything. Is this a master that can hide their presence?’ Hope thought to herself.

“I’ve been watching you for a while now, and its impressive what you boys can do with this force, but there is something that you are missing…” says the individual

“Who are you!!??...” screamed Hope

‘Do you wonder why you think the force gives you power when you embrace the darkness in you? All the hate. All the rage….?’

“…Because it does give me power!" says Hope defiantly.

“Yes! I think your probably right!”

“What!? Just finish me you Sith son of a b*tch” screams Muave.

“I’m not Sith and I’m not a Jedi. I’m just a guy that wants to give you some advice. …See I think you’ve both got it wrong. A Jedi is told not to embrace their anger, Sith embrace only what gives them more power.”

“…Your point!??”

“There are clues in the force. Your emotions may give you power and there is a whole spectrum of human emotion. Don’t deny these emotions. Embrace them all. Become who you were meant to be! It will make you one with the force and the force will be one with you.

Hope, I know deep down your trying to do the right thing. We saw you try to rescue those people on Endor, and that you’re afraid. You’re afraid of the Empire and what they will do if the war drags on.”

“Who do you think you are! You think you know me!?”

Hope tries to hide her tears but because she is unable to move her limbs yet, she tries desperately to dig her face into the ground.

‘So, you’ve been watching us, then you of all should know… The alliance is in ruins! There are barely a handful of ships left that can fight and their forces number in the tens of thousands. What good will a few more ships do?’ says Muave

‘They’re not your ordinary run of the mill ships…’ says the stranger.

‘Who are you!?’ says Hope

‘Where did you come from!?’ says Muave

‘My name is James T. Kirk. I come from a galaxy far, far away…’

To be continued…

I know its quite long and I'm not the best writer. Hope you still all like it. Let me know what you think.  ;D
« Last Edit: May 30, 2018, 08:39:46 PM by Rushded »

Offline legomaestro

  • High Chancellor of Righteousness
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 18885
  • Gender: Male
  • real life has wack graphics
    • View Profile
Re: A Flaw in the Force
« Reply #1 on: May 29, 2018, 11:02:36 PM »
A sudden crossover with Star Trek! Well that wasn't quite expected to be honest. Star Wars does sort of happen in 'A long ago, in a galaxy far far away' but I suppose time is a relative thing when it comes to the vastness of space.

The concept is truly interesting. As fan fiction I'll allow Windu having illegitimate kids, but even Obi Wan with all his EU romantic interests still fought desperately against his human instincts, so it feels sligthly off for Windu to have children, but it's still an interesting concept.

To be honest I skimmed through a lot of the stuff because you didn't format the speech and descriptions: paragraphs are super important when it comes to making literature readeable. Back in the day when people needed to save ink and paper it made sense to squish words together, but on the digital canvas it just doesn't makes sense to have walls of text for a story. Space it out more so that the reader has more interest and the like.

I feel like this was more of a historical document than a narrative. It's understandeable for the later chapters where we know what happens with Windu, but sometimes actually important story events in the earlier chapters are summarized and that isn't good imo.

Otherwise nice idea. I wish I wrote Star Wars ff at a point. Cheers!

Offline Rushded

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 15
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: A Flaw in the Force
« Reply #2 on: May 30, 2018, 11:43:08 PM »
Hey Lego! Thanks for checking out my story. As always, your feedback is greatly appreciated. I've listened to your advice and spaced it out more.

I realise it may seem a bit off for Mace to fight his human instincts, but we know all the jedi likely have them. Obi Wan may of been better at fighting them, but I like the idea that perhaps Mace was just better at hiding them. Better than a flamboyant Anakin Skywalker who'll just draw attention from everyone.

Can I ask for an example of an important story event I've summarized? I''ll use that and try and find the others I've butched up. One day I'll get better at writing. ><

If there's enough interest I'd continue with this story. I'd probably write it something like; Star Tek Universe helps star wars universe but also recruits their help in defeating a greater intergalactic menace. A horde of space-wizards similar to jedi that the Federation are not able to stop.

To fix that issue with '"Long ago" in a galaxy far far away...', I was thinking of perhaps having the ending with an aged Spoc. Living in a utopian future where everyone has force powers. He is reading a story to his grandson, (perhaps 'Kirk Kenobi'... cause... catchy...lol) He'll state that this tale happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away and in the end they all lived long and prospered happily ever after....

That or a dystopian post-apocalyptic future with something similar.

Is it ok for me to post pictures from different random websites\artists in my stories?
« Last Edit: May 30, 2018, 11:53:54 PM by Rushded »

Offline Coryn

  • Director of the MR Science Division
  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20143
  • Gender: Male
  • Secretly a 13 year old girl.
    • View Profile
Re: A Flaw in the Force
« Reply #3 on: May 31, 2018, 07:41:40 AM »
As long as you don't take credit for them, and provide links to originals when you can.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline Rushded

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 15
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: A Flaw in the Force
« Reply #4 on: June 01, 2018, 04:15:42 AM »
Cheers Coryn. Will do.  :thumbsup: