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Author Topic: The Lost Ones:A Blazing Beginning  (Read 177 times)

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Offline redhairshanks1st

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The Lost Ones:A Blazing Beginning
« on: May 21, 2018, 10:39:58 PM »
Hey all i'm new to this forum and am looking for artists but first i thought i'd post some of my work here to get some feed back from fellow writers so here is my first project, any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.


 Koriku opens his eyes to the sight of flames embedding his body to the ground, his lungs being drowned in thick black smoke he cannot even speak just cough, he cannot see beyond the ring of fire that is surrounding him, all he can hear is his mother's shrieks in the distance yelling “Kill me, leave him alone, it’s me you want, I’m the chosen one!”. Koriku yells “Mom is that you, where are you!” His first instincts are to take off in the direction in front of him ignoring the flames burning his flesh, he continues running and calling out to his mother “Mom what is happening!” leaving the flames and smoke behind, until there's just darkness, the air begins to cool down very rapidly and the more Koriku runs he feels as though he is frozen until, he can no longer move, his mother's shrieks echo around him, then her voice is quickly muffled as a black figure walks in front of Koriku as he's trying to break free, the black figure looks up at Koriku snickering “Your mother is not the one she died to quickly,I know you are the chosen one”. The black figure pulls out a blue and black sword that is shaped like a dragon, he slowly walks up to Koriku repeating “you are the one, I must kill you now while you are still weak” Koriku is still paralyzed he cannot move, “you bastard, I’ll kill you” he repeats until he is consumed by a sharp pain in his heart, the black figure impaled him, everything goes black.


 Suddenly, a loud ring fills Koriku’s mind and he is awoken by a woman shouting “Hurry up, you will be late for your exam!”. “Coming!” Koriku jolts out of bed sweating, confused whether or not what he just experienced was reality, again he hears “If you fail this exam cause you’re late there will be no video games for a month!” Koriku realizes it's his mom calling and quickly grabs his hoodie and bolts out the door on his way to school and shouts “Love you mom see you tonight!”


Koriku arrives just before the deadline to take the exam and enters classroom 2-F where he takes his final exam. After finishing his exam he is surprised he was able to concentrate that dream left him mentally fatigued , Koriku shrugs it off and quietly exits the classroom and starts making his way home, going home he always passes through the hardware store where the news is on, as he’s walking home he hears an interesting topic on the news “Again another family has been declared missing as of last night without a trace of evidence left at the scene” another reporter carries on the conversation “maybe it's those rumored Highrisers that murder certain targets for money…” that’s all Koriku could catch as he walked passed the store.


 On the way Koriku passes by his favorite arcade Dragamon where he decides to stop by and play since there was still light outside and he thought to himself “my mother wouldn't mind if I went a few rounds”. When koriku got out it was dark and raining “Sheesh it got dark quick!”, he quickly dashed home so he wouldn't get nagged at by his mom, as he gets  closer and closer to his home the rain gets heavier and heavier until he finally reaches his neighborhood and his windows were glowing blue as if his house was glowing on the inside, koriku thought maybe his mom was watching tv, but the light was too bright to be a tv set.


 Suddenly, koriku hears a woman yell “Stop! He’s not here, he's not the one you are looking for! I know who you are, everyone thinks you are highrisers but I know exactly who you are!!. Koriku tries to open the door but it is locked from the inside, he bangs on the door yelling “Open up! Don't you dare hurt my mom.” he bangs on the door and yells again “I’ll kick your ass!” he then backs up quite a bit, runs and tackles the door breaking it open. He gets up and sees the whole house glowing blue and several hooded figures gathered around one hooded figure holding a knife through a woman's stomach “what the hell is going on here!” He yells in confusion he then comes to the realization that the woman is his mother, she is just standing there lifeless.

 The hooded figure that stabbed her snickers “there you are, you are a little younger than I expected but that's a good thing that means you haven’t awakened to your full potential yet”. Koriku feels his entire body heat up rapidly, he cannot control his body he bolts forward with a fist made ready to hit the figure as he sees flames consume his hand he punches the hooded figure as hard as he could sending him flying, then koriku collapses to the ground paralysed, the flames quickly disappearing and the heat leaving his body rapidly. The hooded figure gets up and laughs “Well it seems they were right after all, you are the one , too bad you won't live long enough to reach your full potential, that's too bad you would be a fun opponent.”
 

The hooded figure reaches for his blade ready to kill Koriku, and koriku looks at the guy one last time until the whole house bursts into flames and some of the hooded figures start to burn and disintegrate, while others are yelling “boss we gotta get out of here, he’s awakening!” the hooded figure that kills korikus mom panics and quickly mumbles a chant into koriku’s ear then him and the other hooded figures are gone in an instant as if they teleported, the flames quickly disappear and Korikus body feels like ice, then he blacks out as another figure, a young boy with blue hair bursts through the door and stares at Koriku “phew, I made it to save you at least”.



« Last Edit: May 21, 2018, 10:58:51 PM by redhairshanks1st »

Offline MahluaandMilk

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Re: The Lost Ones:A Blazing Beginning
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2018, 10:53:02 PM »
Well, I'd critique as much as I could, but at it's current state, the text block is hard to read because it's all one giant paragraph. Not only can small paragraph breaks make it easier for eyes to stay in the lines where they need to follow, but it can also help set pace. Trying to read it as is, it kinda feels like what it sounds like when someone keeps talking without stopping and not breathing and it kind of rags on like this sentence.

A couple of visual breaks spaces the story out and gives it room to breathe, visually and textually.

Offline redhairshanks1st

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Re: The Lost Ones:A Blazing Beginning
« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2018, 11:01:11 PM »
Thanks! sorry about that i copied and pasted this from docs so format got all out of place and I didn't even realize.

Offline legomaestro

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Re: The Lost Ones:A Blazing Beginning
« Reply #3 on: May 22, 2018, 05:16:10 AM »
Hey redhair, I skimmed over it. Things happen pretty quickly from dreaming, to being in class to having his mother stabbed and then being saved so you may want to space out things a little. I'm not sure why Koriku is being targeted so that could be interesting.

The format is seriously hard to get through though. Check this out for some pointers http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,8672.0.html

But in general always, always capitalize the name of your protagonist. Always jump a line for new dialogue.

Be sure to check out other peoples' works too, commenting and the like. That way you'll be able to garner interest for your story.

Keep writing.

Offline redhairshanks1st

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Re: The Lost Ones:A Blazing Beginning
« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2018, 06:08:46 PM »
Thanks so much! Will definitely work on formatting and also check out other writers for inspiration.