Maybe one of these days I'll become a regular and do what I came here to do - give and get criticism - but today is not that day. Instead, here's something I'll update sporadically. Here's something I started a long time ago and maybe I'll start back up if I can get around to it. Maybe it'll convince me to get back to writing actual stuff.
The WillSpoiler
Dear everyone,
I suppose if you’ve finally opened this, things have taken an unfortunate turn. Nevertheless, please read this. Don’t skim; I won’t be happy if you do, dead or not.
So I’m… Gone, at this point, for a lack of better words. I know all of you wanted me to stay… Maybe I should have. Maybe things would have gotten better somehow, but I just couldn’t. I’m sorry, not for me, but for you guys. I’m sorry you befriended someone as destructive as myself, and that you had to go through this. No one should have to deal with the death of someone they know well… But no one should have to endure the pain I had to either. I’m sorry, though. Please don’t hate me for it. Things weren’t getting better for me. There was nothing for me to look forward to, and though I love you guys, I hate the idea I might be hurting you through my own failure. There was nothing for me. Everything I looked at was poisoned by my awful anxiety, my relationships with you guys included. Maybe you didn’t deserve to deal with my death… But you also didn’t deserve to deal with me. And I couldn’t deal with the world.
I guess… This isn’t your typical suicide note. I don’t know what you were expecting, really, though - I wasn’t ever one to do the typical thing, was I? I just felt like you guys needed more than a few lines scribbled on a scrap piece of paper. You deserve more than that, honestly. So here you are. My ‘will’, I guess. Me making sure all of my books and games and music aren’t locked in a basement for all eternity. Me trying to help you from beyond the grave, because we all know that none of you are near perfect.
My death doesn’t have to be a bad thing. This entire package is about that. We go to funerals to celebrate the lives of people we care about not mourn and fall into depression, so take my life and do something with it. Something I couldn’t do. Don’t let this permanently slow you down. I’ll come back and haunt you ‘till the day you die if you do.
I really want all of you to be happy, even if it isn’t immediate, and you have to understand that can happen without me. I promise it can. So smile. Force it. Respect my wishes as a dead person. And take every one of your letters to heart. I meant every one of my last words to you.
Cody
Letters to the friends:
To:Haven
Dear Ven,
I didn’t get to see a lot of you before I did what I did, which was probably for the best. You smiled so much, especially with Arie. I didn’t want to make you unhappy with how unhappy I was. I hope you were okay, though. You certainly looked happy, with that scholarship and with your thing with Arie. Hopefully this doesn’t change that too much.
So I guess if you’re reading this I’m probably gone, considering where I put this and all. It’d be a little awkward if I wasn’t, huh? I don’t even want to think about it while writing this, haha. You’d be so pissed. You probably are right now anyway… But hear me out, alright? Try and understand where I’m coming from, even if you don’t want to.
I wasn’t happy, Ven, and you knew it. I was just never a happy kid, and it wasn’t anyone’s fault. I was always sad, and nothing was working. Maybe it would have gotten better, maybe the thing with Alisa was just what sent me over. I wasn’t happy, or pleasant to be around. I don’t know what else I can say except for you to try and accept that what’s done is done, and I’m sorry I hurt you like this.
I said that that this wasn’t your typical suicide note, and, well, I meant it. There’s a difference between grieving and depression, Ven, and I’m not letting you fall into the same hole I was stuck in for so long, and I don’t care how much you have to force it, but you’ve gotta try and put some effort into being okay. Even if it’s just smiling, or letting Arie take care of you. You’ve got a great life ahead of you, a great girlfriend, a great family… You can come back from something like this. You’ve got to come back from this. For me. For Dad, if nothing else.
I said I was going to give some of my honest-to-goodness advice to you and the rest of my friends, but I don’t have much to say to you, Ven. You were always my role model, yanno, whether I said it or not. You’re so goddamn perfect. It’s super *censored*ing irritating, actually, you know, with your perfect grades and your perfect girlfriend and your perfect job… I mean, can you blame me for being so unhappy trying to live up to that? Haha… I’m joking about that, though. You were a the best brother I ever had, and I guess the only advice I can give to you is to keep being that person I looked up to up till the day I died, because even if I wanted to rip your perfect eyeballs out of your perfect head, that person is the best person I knew.
I suppose I also said I’d be leaving my ‘will’ to you all. I don’t have a lot to give you, Ven, you weren’t as invested in my personal life as my friends were, but I hope you can make do with what I decided on. With that, I leave to you:
-My journal. Diary, whatever you want to call it. The only thing I ask of you is that you let Penn have his time with it too. I could tell you where it is, but I’m 99.9% sure that you know where it is anyway.
-My money. I guess you already figured out that my cash is in this envelope. I didn’t want it to go to waste, so use it wisely. I dunno. Take Arie out somewhere nice. Save for uni or something.
-The stuffed seal, Snowflake. I can already hear you laughing at me, but I know you wanted Dad to give her to you instead of me that day when we visited the amusement park. So now you get it. Ten years later, but still.
-My photo album. I don’t know what you’d do with it… But it seems right, and I don’t want it to just sit in the basement and gather dust. I’m sure there’s something in there Dad would like too.
-Mom’s stuff, in that little wooden box on my desk. Try and see if she’ll take it back when she comes back, but I thought you’d like to have stuff from her.
-My phone. I reset it so there isn’t a password. I don’t think there’s anything too bad on there. Hopefully there isn’t, but there’s a reason I left it to you and not Dad.
-My pin collection. I dunno, but I like them, you like them, and maybe they’ll be a reminder of how annoying I was. I also really do like a lot of them, and I don’t really trust anyone else to make sure they don’t get lost.
So there we go, Ven. I really don’t know what to say except I’m sorry, I really am, but I know that you can get through this. You’ve got a lot going for you, and this can’t be what ruins that. I’ll haunt you until you get back on track. You really were a good brother, and you made moments of my life good. And none of this is your fault, so don’t go blaming this on yourself either. I love you.
Cody
To:Penn
Dear Penn,
I don’t really know where to start with this, so I guess I’ll just say the obvious. I love you. I didn’t really say it a lot. Maybe I was scared one day it would come out of my mouth and I’d realize it wasn’t true, that what we claimed to be a star-crossed romance was just a high school crush, or that I’d moved on from something great, but I can safely say that I love you and mean it. I guess I didn’t say it a lot, but I guess it felt like I didn’t I needed to. We didn’t need to say it over and over, did we? I don’t think we did.
Hopefully… Hopefully you aren’t too mad at me. And hopefully you don’t take this the wrong way. I guess there isn’t really a good way to take a suicide, though, huh… Regardless, what I’m getting at is that I didn’t want to die, but I… I also didn’t want to live. Not how things were going, I didn’t. It wasn’t your fault, because I know you’re going to try and blame yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong, Penn. It was probably my fault you had to go through this anyway. I shouldn’t have messed up your life with my problems. I’m so, so sorry that I did. You’re such an amazing person. I meant it when I said you can’t let this ruin you. You have to move forward. I guess that’s the point of this letter to you. I’m not going to let you curl up and throw away your life.
There are a few things I want to say before I get ot the rest of the letter, though. I know I already said it like a paragraph ago, but I love you. You know, when you explained that soulmates thing you believe in to me, I thought you were crazy. I still think it’s kind of insane, but I guess at the time of me writing this, I can believe that just maybe, we were soulmates, even if it’s awfully absurd sounding. I really did fall in love with you, and maybe… Maybe if I knew I was going to live longer I would have seen some great future with marriage and kids and… And a life with you. I never thought I’d feel these things before I met you, and god, everyone called us crazy, but I loved you to death and back, and I didn’t want anything else. You made me happy. You extended my life, and I love you even more for that. Alongside me gushing like the teenage girl I am, you can’t let me saying this tie you down. I’m not saying you should go out there and date the first girl you see, but you’re such an amazing person, and you deserve an amazing life with an amazing love. You said yourself, while you were explaining your soulmate theory that people can have more than one soulmate. So remember that. I want you to fall in love again one day. You were the love of my life, and it’s okay that I wasn’t the love of yours.
Well… I guess this is the part where I make sure I give you all the advice I can. I was serious about that, yanno. You probably thought I was joking, but I’m not gonna let you stumble through life without a guardian angel. So here we go, just a few things I want you to keep in mind.
First off. You’re shy as hell, Penn, which is very cute, but not good for making friends. I’m not saying you should go out there and advertise yourself, but even just starting small is something. You don’t really know a lot of my friends well, right? Well, they’re all fantastic people, and I think you should really try and get to know them, Penn, even if it’s just you and Elliot sitting down for lunch. I always wanted you to get yourself out there, you knew that. So do it. Try your best to… Because between you and me, they’re probably going to need you too. And if it comes out we were dating… Well, I’m sure Adelia and Sabian will have more than a few questions.
Cut yourself some slack. You’re too hard on yourself and you know it. Not everything is your fault, this included.