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Author Topic: criticism wanted  (Read 98 times)

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Offline Kureiguerisu

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criticism wanted
« on: May 21, 2018, 07:03:21 PM »
~Chapter 1~ Running Late

When I awoke on a bright sunny day, I looked around my room and seen my younger sister laying sprawled out on her bed. She was always the type to move around a lot in her sleep, as she could never seem to get very comfy. I, on the otherhand, could sleep easily and peacefully, unless something strange approached our dorm. Yes, we were living in a dorm, not a proper home.

We were living at the Talented Arts High School, just like some of the other students were. All of us were different in our own ways, and had been abandoned by our families for being so. I had been abandoned by my family - along with my sister - when they had found out she too was different like me. If my sister had been normal, they were willing to forget about my differences and treat me like I was normal. But seeing as she too was different, they abandoned us on the streets, where the Head Teacher for this academy found us, and offered as somewhere to stay. Ever since that day, we have always been greatful to him and have always helped around the school as much as we could.

*********

My name is Serena-Jane Adam, and even though my name may seem strange, I don't like it. My sister has a nicer name than me, and sometimes I wish I was her. Chinatsu Adam. I liked that name a lot better, but seeing as I was stuck with the name I had, I always just told anyone who asked that my name was simply, Serena Adam, and would just leave out the 'Jane' part of my name. However, my sister being the sneaky, annoying sister she was, would always tell people about me, and tell them my actual name, just to annoy me. She knew I hated my name, and she would always call my by my full name, instead of the name I preferred.

Both of us had made a lot of friends during our time at the high school. We had been here slightly more than 12 years, as our family hadn't known about Chinatsu's differences until they awoke within her at the age of 5. I was just barely a year older than her, but sometimes she would act like the older sibling, and I knew that she actually should've been, even though she wasn't.

*********

This day I woke her up by pulling the covers out from underneath her, making her fall onto the cold floor with a thud. She woke with a yelp and looked up at me with a dark glare. She was clearly pissed off at me, and it just made me laugh.
"What's the matter sis?" I questioned, through laughter.
"B***h." She cursed, getting up, rubbing her butt. Clearly she had hit the ground rather hard.
"You know you love me sis. I mean, we have to look after each other now. Right?" I said, smiling softly, trying to forget about the horrible parents we had, and will never see again, just because we aren't human, and are different.
"Yeah." She smiled, as I hugged her. Her purple hair seemed like it could do with a hair-cut, but I knew she wouldn't let anyone touch her hair. She always liked it the way it was, even if it grew too long. Her purple hair was the way she liked it, with her light blue highlights streaked throughout it evenly.

*********

The only thing that would make people know we were related, without saying anything to them was the fact that both our eyes were a golden colour, and that we both had purple in our hair somewhere, mine being highlights and hers being all of her hair - except her blue highlights. We weren't really the same either. I was a wolf, whereas Chinatsu was half wolf, half vampire. Even though our parents clearly didn't know it, they both had some vampire and wolf blood in them.

*********

As we both got ready to head to class, there was a knock at our dorm door. Only a few people knew what dorm we lived in, and we exchanged a glance trying to figure out who it may have been. We just shrugged, and realised that we knew too many people in the school to try figure out who it may have been. Chinatsu headed into the bathroom to finish getting dressed, as I headed to the door in my nightdress and school jeans, to see who was there.

When I opened the door I was met with demonic red eyes, dark brown hair, and a cheeky grin. The boy was wearing jeans and a black jacket, with a red top underneath. He was the same age as me, although slightly taller than me. He was a kind guy and could get along with anyone he met.
"Hey Serena." He smiled. "Ready to get to school?"
"Does it look like I am?" I questioned him, as it seemed rather obvious I wasn't.
He just chuckled. "No it doesn't." He smiled. "Why not get ready?" He questioned, wondering why I wasn't ready, as class started in 5 minutes.
"Chinatsu is hogging the bathroom." I said, loud enough for her to hear.
"HEY!" She complained, as she walked out of the bathroom, wearing her jeans, a camo top, and a leather jacket. She really liked leather. "I am not!" She pouted, as she seen him at the door. "Hey." She smiled.
"Hey." He chuckled, before going to leave. "I'll see you girls at class then." And with that, he left.
"Hurry up Serena!" Chinatsu giggled, as she put on her Dock Martin shoes, before grabbing her bag, running out the door.

*********

I was slightly late to class, thanks to Chinatsu hogging the bathroom, and taking her time. She always done that if I woke her up the way I had this morning - which was quite frequently. Luckily for me, the teacher for our first class was also running late, so they didn't realise I had been late to class, as I sat down at my seat next to window, and also beside him.

Offline MahluaandMilk

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Re: criticism wanted
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2018, 07:19:31 PM »
Pardon if this critique sounds a little harsh. I'm mostly going to focus on the big things that can be easily fixed.

The first thing that hits me off the bat is the overuse of commas. This could probably be fixed by working with shorter sentences until you have a better grasp on how longer sentences actually function. I highly recommend looking into grammar books and all sorts of articles on the use of punctuation. They're a handy tool for any beginning author. My biggest tip is this: if the subject of the sentence doesn't change, you DON'T need a comma before a conjunction.

The next biggest issue I see is a bit of a plothole. It's not the exact definition of a plothole, per se, but it is a big something all right. It is stated that the girls' parents had some wolf and vampire in them, but somehow Chinatsu came out half and half. Genetically speaking, this is highly improbable if not impossible. I understand that this is fiction and some suspension of disbelief is required, but when something that glaring comes to light, many readers will turn skeptical. Even if both parents were a quarter of each to add up all the genes possible to make her half and half, Chinatsu would not be seen as such ethnically; she would instead be seen as a quarter of each despite the dominance of the genes. It is also unlikely that someone who carries a quarter of both vampire and wolf blood wouldn't notice. The whole reveal is kind of a non sequitur. Perhaps this area of the story's lore needs a little more focus and fleshing out so readers can follow without immediately jumping to the conclusion "Well that's dumb."

Offline Kureiguerisu

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Re: criticism wanted
« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2018, 07:29:12 PM »
thank you for the criticism. I will work on this.

Offline MahluaandMilk

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Re: criticism wanted
« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2018, 07:32:12 PM »
No problem! I look forward to seeing how it turns out.

Offline EffulgentFirefly

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Re: criticism wanted
« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2018, 07:56:35 PM »
This could just be a personal preference, but there's a lot of exposition, in my opinion. Which is fine, but too much can be a little bit clunky. An example would be the statement about living in a dorm. The reader could perhaps infer they were living in a dorm as the story continued, or it could be brought up casually in dialogue at some point. That last line of the first paragraph is also a little bit redundant, considering the next paragraph explains that they're living in a dorm.

That turned into a bit of a ramble, so hopefully it's understandable and not too all over the map. Hopefully I can come back to this when I'm in the right mindspace and give some feedback that might be a little more helpful.
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