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Author Topic: Deifics  (Read 344 times)

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Offline Rushded

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Deifics
« on: May 03, 2018, 05:38:42 AM »
Hi all. I'm very new to this site. I am writing a manga called "Deifics". It's a fairly dark manga about a world similar to x-men, but where people evolved too quickly and many used their power for their own selfish gain.

About Deifics.
Spoiler
Deifics is a shoenen manga set in the world where everyone has developed some kind of super power, but where a majority used their powers selfishly causing a collapse of society. The story takes place roughly 20 years after world order was restored with the heroine of the story seemingly having no power.

General Synopsis/1st Arc Synopsis
Spoiler
The new world caused a great divide between people. No longer by wealth, but by an individuals new gift. Meet Will. Will is a bitter 16 yo teen. His parents went missing years ago and he's now being looked after by a teacher named Sampson.
The average human develops some kind of power by the age of 10-12, but Will was 16 now and had no such gift. He tries practicing everyday to bring his power out. He hopes to one day receive the gift that will allow him to get revenge on whoever made his parents disappear
At nights he has this strange dream like a memory. In this dream, he is just a boy. He's scared. He remembers a small body lying next to him. He can’t see their face.

One day at school everything would change. He saves someone from an S rank bully who swears murder on him. He's targeted by a secretive organization for assassination and is saved by a girl he has never met, who has been looking for him for a very long time...
 

I'm a bit apprehensive about sharing more, just because I don't think my writing is good enough for you guys, but if you are curious, here is my very rough script.

Book 1
Spoiler
Deifics
PAGE ONE (4 Panels)
Panel 1. Scene of a man walking through the streets. Each step causing the ground to crack and building windows to shatter…
STORY OVERVIEW CAPTION
The 1st documented “deific-human?” made his appearance in June of 2020. It was a day no-one would ever forget. It was like a god had spawned on earth.
Panel 2. Scene of footsteps causing ground to crack and particles of earth to lift.
Panel 3. Side view of man with glass windows of buildings shattering in the foreground
Panel 4. Behind view of the man with a police/military blockade setup in front of him.
PAGE TWO (4 Panels)
Panel 1. Scene of the police with their guns pointed.
Police officer with microphone: Put your hands up slowly where we can see them.
Panel 2. Scene of man lifting his hands and the rumble of the ground trembling as he does.
Panel 3. Policeman panics and opens fire.
Panel 4. The rest follow and all are now firing.
PAGE THREE (4 Panels)
Panel 1. Scene of the man stomping the ground
Panel 2. The earth cracks open and protrudes earth from under a vehicle forcing the car to jump up for the ground blocking some of the gunfire
Panel 3. Some stray bullets get past crippling the man.
Panel 4. Scene of man in handcuffs being escorted by heavily armed soldiers.
Caption
After a dramatic confrontation with the police and military, he was quickly subdued and taken away, never to be seen again. However, he would not be the last.
Man: I didn’t want this. I never asked for this….
PAGE FOUR
Panel 1: Scene of a few people looking bewildered as the find themselves with some kind of power. Bystanders look shocked as they watch.
Caption: His appearance marked the dawn of a new age referred to as the “Deific Era” as more and more people began to develop some kind of power.
Panel 2: Scene of people flying, swimming, surfing in the air. Kids playing using some unusual powers
Caption: Within 10 years, the entire human population over 9 years of age had developed some kind of power.
Panel 3: Scene of city on fire and smoke billowing in the distance.
Caption: The sudden rise of radicals with sometimes overwhelming powers caused policing crime and chaos to become near impossible. .
PAGE FIVE (4 Panels)
Panel 1: Close shot of a hand with a floating bloody knife on his fingertips
Panel 2. Close up of a man with yellow eyes and a wicked smile. Cowering people in the foreground
Yellow-eyed man: I once got told that it’s a dog eat dog world and the alphas always on top.
Panel 3. Man with yellow-eyes licking the blood from the knife.
Old man: Please, let us be. We’ll give you whatever you want!
Yellow-eyed man: Sorry, but this old dog is hungry…
Panel 4: Yellow-eyed many twists his hand slightly to send the spinning dagger flying
PAGE SIX (1 Panel)
Panel 1. Yellow eyed man and his gang watch as the dagger spins back with a severed heart. The cowering people in the background are horrified. An old man lies on the floor oozing blood.
Yellow-eyed man: To let you live is like living with rats. You serve no benefit to this world. You just eat, *censored* and spread your filth. WHY would I WANT you to live IN MY HOUSE!??
PAGE SEVEN
Panel 1. Close up of Yellow-eyed man pointing dagger at the cowering people.
Yellow-eyed man: kill these vermin.
Panel 2. Same scene. Yellow-eyed mans eyes move.
Yellow-eyed man: Guys?
Panel 3. Yellow-eyed man turns around. Zoom out to show all his henchmen are dead. Crowd of shadowy figures have gathered around him.
Yellow-eyed man: You….Yo-Your’e just like me. Why protect these rats!?
PAGE EIGHT
Panel 1. A blade skewers the yellow-eyed man.
SFX: Bleaah
Panel 2. Zoom out. City streets chaos. A gathering of people with powers try to save cowering citizens using their powers.
Caption:  It took the combined efforts of a few good-hearted individuals. People whose past lives were helping people. They may have been Doctors, teachers, psychologists, Nurses… They would have likely not harmed a single soul in their old life. Now, despite all their good intentions, they would be forced to do horrible things, to bring the world back.

PAGE NINE
Panel 1. The protagonist (a 16 year old boy) Will attempts to bring powers as he watches kids his age outside playing with their specials.  (Will tries a Kamehameha pose.)
Caption: Present Day
Panel 2. It’s now night time. Will is still trying to bring a power out. (Will tries Xavier head pointing gesture, trying to make a flower pot move)
Panel 3.: Sampson knocks on the door
Panel 4: Sampson opens the door a little (..and sees Will in a Ginyu pose)
Sampson: It’s bedtime Kiddo.
Panel 5. Sampson tucks will into bed.
Sampson Goodnight Will.
PAGE TEN
Panel 1. Will lies in bed
Caption: If is very rare for teens and older to have no superpower, but ‘Will Livingston’ Seemed to have no gift
Panel 2. Will closes his eyes and sleeps.
Panel 3. Image of a black void
PAGE ELEVEN (5 Panels)
Panel 1. A frightened Will as a child stands near a lake in the rain
WILLS CAPTION

I always have this dream like a memory. In this dream, I am just a boy. I'm scared. I remember a small body lying next to me. I can’t see their face.
Panel 2. Alarm buzzes
Panel 3. Will hits alarm with one hand and rubs his eyes with the other
WILLS CAPTION
The strange thing is....
Panel 4. Will looks up trying to recall memory
WILLS CAPTION
Whenever I try to remember that time when I was a boy...
Panel 5. Black hole
WILLS CAPTION
... all I can see is this void.
PAGE TWELVE(6 Panels)
Panel 1. Sampson busts into room with some breakfast.
Sampson: C'mon kiddo, were late! Let’s go!
Panel 2. Will puts on school shirt. Sampson adjusts tie
WILLS CAPTION
This is my carer. His name is Sampson. He is also one of my teachers at school.
Panel 3. Will and Sampson are riding bicycles to school.
Sampson: Oh man, I feel like my bicycle this morning… Too Tired!
Will looks down at Sampson with a look of shame
WILLS CAPTION
He's a bit goofy and he tells some lame jokes, but I think he's one of the good ones...
Panel 4. Sampson crashes bicycle into Will.
WILLS CAPTION
...but he can be a little clumsy.
Panel 5. Angry Will. Apologetic Sampson.
WILLS CAPTION
However...
Panel 6. They arrive at the school gates. Some students fly in, some float, some slide...etc
WILLS CAPTION
...there is something that he's hiding from me.
PAGE THIRTEEN
Panel 1. Text: Earlier that day... (Introduction to Gun-Girl)
 Radio: Iron1 are you clear?
Gun-Girl stands in a dilapidated bullet-ridden building. Her guns are smoking. A stranger lies at her feet beaten and bloody.
GUN GIRLS CAPTION
Piece of cake!
Radio: Good, Somethings come up. We got a code yellow 10 clicks south-west of your position. Think you can make it?
GUN GIRLS CAPTION
On it!
Gun-girl leaps athletically from building to building.
A large high calibre sniper rifle is setup on the rooftops and Gun-girl looks at people on the streets below.
GUN GIRLS CAPTION
What's the target?
Radio: Your target  is a teen, messy black hair,180cm, lanky. He’ll be riding a blue bicycle and is escorted by a messy looking adult man, with a red tie, riding a red bicycle. Observe but DO NOT take the shot until you know the targets weakness.
Gun-girls scope zooms in on the two riding their bicycles to school...

PAGE FOURTEEN: (6 Panels)
Panel 1. Will and Sampson are parking their bicycles.
Will: Hey Teach?
Panel 2. Walking towards classroom.
Will: Whatever happened to my parents?
Sampson: I promise I will tell you when you're older...When you're ready to know.
Panel 3. The go separate ways and head towards their own classes.
WILLS CAPTION
Whenever I ask, I always hear that same generic response.  Thing is...
Panel 4. Will comes across 2 super students bullying another down a quiet corridor.
Panel 5. Will scrunches up a piece of paper/ rubbish in his hand
WILLS CAPTION
I have an idea of what might of happened to them.
Panel 6. Tosses rubbish over his shoulder
PAGE FIFTEEN
Panel 1. Will eyes off the 2 bullies.
WILLS CAPTION
The new world created thousands of these people
Panel 2. With one closed fist, Will charges towards the bullies from their blind spot. A rubbish trail can be seen behind him.
WILLS CAPTION
People that prey on whoever is weaker than them…
Panel 3. Wills fist makes contact with one of the bullies faces.
SFX: KRAK
WILLS CAPTION
If I found out that it was people like this that hurt my family...
Panel 4. Bully 1 clutches his now bloody nose. Bully 2 looks at him un-phased.
Panel 5. Close up of Will. Fire in his eyes.
WILLS CAPTION
I will make them burn.
PAGE SIXTEEN
Panel 1. Bully 1 teleports behind will, locking his arms.
Bully 1. Kill him. Kill this *censored*er!
Panel 2. The walls begin to freeze over and particles of snow begin twisting through the air.
Panel 3. One of the female teacher’s steps onto the scene. In one hand is a pile of rubbish that Will made. In the other hand are frozen icicles spinning around the palm of her hand
Teacher: What's going on here!? Are you boys fighting!?
Panel 4. Bully 1: No Maam. Just Practicing our supers is all.
Bully 2: Remains silent.
Panel 4. The air around the teacher starts to freeze over. Teachers voice becomes deeper.
Frost Teacher: Well, don't let me catch you out here outside of class time again. You won't like me if I do.

PAGE SEVENTEEN (6 Panels)
Panel 1. Bullies begin walking away.
Bully 1: Tch.. This isn't over
Bully 2: Stares silently back at them. 
Panel 2. Will helps victim up.
Panel 3. Focus on teachers hand holding Wills rubbish.
Panel 4. Angry look of frost teacher.
Frost Teacher: Was that you that made that rubbish trail?
Will: It was me…. I’m sorry.
Panel 5: Teacher smiles and winks
Frost teacher: quick thinking. I’ll let you off the hook this time, now hurry up, get to class.
Panel 6. Frost teacher walks off down the hall.

PAGE EIGHTEEN
Panel 1. Yuto dusts himself off.
Yuto: Th...Thankyou. No-ones ever stood up for me like that before...You sh-shouldn't have.
Panel 3. Will gives a cheesy smile.
Will: Hey, Don't mention it.  My name is Will by the way.
Panel 4. Yuto gives a concerned look over his face.
Yuto: My name is Yuto, and really you should not of helped me...
Panel 5. Left side of Yutos face as he describes Bully 1 using his power to beat someone
Yuto: That guy with the teleport ability. His name is Franky O'Hare and he is as violent as they come.
Panel 6. Right side of Yutos face as he describes Bully 2.
Yuto: The second guy is Malid Botha. They are both Demi level. His power is unknown because no one has seen it and lived.
PAGE NINETEEN. (5 Panels)
Panel 1. Yuto describes past schools where even the teachers were afraid of them. 
Yuto: They've moved through several schools because each was too scared to take them in.
Panel 2. Yuto puts his head down and cries a little.
Yuto: I am sorry you got involved in this. I hope nothing happens to you.
Panel 3. Will puts a reassuring hand on Yutos shoulder.
Will: We all gotta look out for each other. The more of us that have each others back, the less jerks like these have any power over us and If I had the chance again I would do exactly the same thing a million times over.
Panel 4. Yuto gives a teary eyed smile
Panel 5. Yuto and Will begin to head to class and wave goodbye to each other.
Yuto: Thankyou Will. I'll see you around.
Will: See you around Yuto.
PAGE TWENTY
CAPTION
Earlier that day...
Introduction to Elsie.
Panel 1. Elsie is walking down an alley. There are 2 shady looking figures in the distance leaning against a wall
Panel 2. The two thugs get off the wall to block Elsies path.
Thug1:  My, my, we got a pretty one says one of the thugs while licking at his knife
Thug2: Ready for some entertainment missy? You being the entertainment... heh.
Elsie: Look, I don't want any trouble.
Panel 3. Thugs start closing in on Elsie
Thug1: Trouble? No trouble at all (he says while unzipping his fly)
Elsie: You guys must be class A Supers or really insanely stupid to try that in this day and age?
Thug2: Oh-ho spunky. I like that. I'll give you some more. heh.
Panel 4. Elsie is leaving the Alley. The two thugs are now look like corpses behind her drained to the bone of all fluid?
Elsie: Be quiet voice in my head, I have things to do!
Panel 5. She notices some blood on her now torn jumper.
Panel 6. Elsie throws the jumper into a nearby trashcan.
Elsie: Assholes. I really liked that jumper.
Next Elsie is walking to school with a map of the school grounds. Elsie has arrived late to school and it has already started.  A large school clock shows she is perhaps an hour late. Perhaps Gun-girl can be see scouting the campus...

PAGE TWENTY ONE. (6 Panels)
CAPTION
Schools now have classes A-F bases on an individual’s power with A being where the most powerful students and F being the polar-opposite.
Panel 1. Will opens the door to class F. Room is full of odd looking students. Students with bones for hair. Eyebrows that jut out from the forehead. Nails that have grown out like claws (Basically full of mildly powered supers... Draw what you think makes sense)
Panel 2. Will takes his seat.
WILL CAPTION
Ah, Class F. A place that schools put mildly powered super students they don't know what to do with. All the teaching done here is based on the pre-super era.
Panel 3. Teacher starts scribbling maths equations.
Panel 4. Will falls asleep.
Panel 5. Elsie enters the room slamming the door behind her and waking up Will.
Elsie: Sorry I’m a little late. Is this class F?
PAGE TWENTY TWO (5 Panels)
Panel 1:Elsie is still standing at the doorway leading into the classroom.
WILL CAPTION
There stood a beautiful blonde girl seemingly free of all imperfections unlike the other everyone else around.
Teacher: Ah, you must be Elsie. Please take a seat. You can find one up the back.
Panel 2:
Elsie takes a seat next to Will and causes him to blush a little.
Panel 3:
Elsie taps Will on the shoulder.
Eslie: Excuse me, can you help me catch up with what I’ve missed?
Panel 4:
Will: Wha.. me ..er Oh yeah.. we numbers learning….
Will becomes extremely flustered
Panel 5:
Elsie: um… I see… Thanks?
PAGE TWENTY THREE (3 Panels)
Panel 1:
Elsie turns away.
Will starts clawing at his head and mumbling to himself. (‘stupid, stupid!’)
Panel 2:
Elsie looks over to catch an even more embarrassed Will with hair splayed all over the place.
Will: (Trying to sound cool. ) Hey, Sup…?
Panel 3:
Speaker: Attention all students. Alice Noa is here on behalf of the Government for our routine checks. Please report to the testing assembly and await further instructions.

PAGE TWENTY FOUR (5 Panels)
CAPTION
Throughout the year schools will hold random ability assessments to judge an individual’s usefulness to society. The tests are always different each time.
Panel 1. The students enter a giant towering stadium with towering robots/tanks, a diamond plated barb-wire pit. Several walls of varying thickness
PAGE TWENTY FIVE
Panel 1. Will struggling through the barb-wire maze getting cuts as he slowly progresses.
WILL CAPTION
I always hated these tests.
Panel 2. Will face planting against the 1st wall from the varying walls.
Panel 3. Will running around from giant robots with lasers.
Panel 4. Teacher about to push the stopwatch.
Teacher. Ready, set, g-
Panel 5. Jayden seems to blink past the barbed obstacle to the teacher.
Jayden. I’m done.
PAGE TWENTY SIX
Panel 1. Malid casually walks through the walls of varying thickness
Panel 2. Franky teleports past all the military robots/tanks to get to the end-zone.
Panel 3. Speaker interrupts Will who is still trying to complete the course.
Speaker. Thankyou for your participation today. We would also like to give a huge round of applause to the few that beat the test! Each will be given one million RB and will be immediately taken to the prestigious Gaia school. Please give your congratulations to Franky O'Hare, Malid Botha and Jayden Finn
SPEAKER ANNOUNCEMENT CAPTION
We would like to interrupt today's classes to make an important announcement. The Government have chosen 3 of our top Super Students to advance to the prestigious God level, World Building school.
Panel 5. Students begin clapping
SPEAKER ANNOUNCEMENT CAPTION
Please put a hand together for Franky O'Hare, Trenton Bales and Jayden Finn
Panel 6. Students in Class F gather at the windows where a prestigious Limo Helicopter has landed
PAGE TWENTY SEVEN (6 Panels)
Panel 1. Back at class the students are gathered at the windows to see of the students that cleared the course.
Panel 2. Will waves to Jayden and Jayden waves back, before boarding the limousine-like chopper.
Panel 3. Malid and Franky board the chopper. Franky spits on the ground before getting on.
Panel 4. Will feels a female hand on his shoulder.
Panel 5. Female character introduces herself.
Female Char: You're Will right? You know one of them?
Panel 6. Will blushes.
Will: My friend Jayden is boarding that chopper…Can I help you with something?
Panel 7. The two are talking quite close next to the school window.
Elsie: Sorry, I'm fairly new to this school. I'm wondering when they teach power control.
PAGE TWENTY EIGHT (6 Panels)
Panel 1. Will has a dumbfounded look on his face while scratching he head.
Will: Er..El..sie? I think you have the wrong class. They don't teach that here. Not in class F...
Panel 2. The classroom door is suddenly kicked open.
SFX: SLAM
Panel 3. From the doorway steps out a 12 year old girl holding a gun
12 year old girl: Who here is William Livingston?
Panel 4. Elsie is smitten by the girl.
Elsie: Aww, it's a cute little girl. What's your name sweetie?
12 year old: Out of my face bitch!
Panel 5. Elsie has an angry face. There is a sparkle in the 12 yr olds eye as she finds her target.
12 year old: There you are Will. I’m not sure how you keep avoiding my shot.
Panel 6. 12 year old left side face explains assassination attempts.  (eg Bicycle riding crash causes missed bullet when she tries to snipe)
12 YEAR OLD CAPTION
Each time your Dad keeps getting in the way. Each time I have to plan a new way to kill you.
PAGE TWENTY NINE (6 Panels)
Panel 1. 12 year old smiles and she gets ready to shoot.
12 year old: To think that all this time, my target was just a  Class F flunkie. I should of done this sooner.
Elsie: Just wait one sec little missie.
Panel 2. 12 year old sprays bullets. Elsie takes the bullets for Will forcing both Elsie and Will out the classroom window.
SFX:
Blam, Blam, Blam
Panel 3. Elsie pulls out her phone
Panel 4. Elsie smiles and takes a selfie
Will: What the....?
Panel 5. Elsie spins them around in the air so he's on top of her
Panel 6. Elsie is crushed on the concrete one floor below but the Will is alive and well. (You can make this more or less gruesome if you prefer.)
SFX:
Thud, splatter
PAGE THIRTY (6 panels)
Panel 1. Elsie reaches out for something. There are tears rolling out her eyes and blood trickling from her mouth.
Will: Oh god, she's still allive...She must be in pain!
Panel 2. There is a guy leaning casually against the wall outside with his hands in his pockets.
Guy: Nope, that's not it.
Panel 3. Focus on her hand reaching out for something.
Panel 4. Focus on her phone with a cracked screen
Panel 5. Will picks up phone
Will: It's just the screen part that's cracked. It should be easy to replace...
Panel 6. Elsie gives a bloody toothed smile and sigh of relief.
PAGE THIRTY ONE (7 Panels)
Panel 1. Will semi-worried and confused.
Will: Er... Should we call a doctor?
Guy leaning against wall: She'll be fine.
Panel 2. 12 year old jumps out window guns blazing.
Panel 3. Will back steps narrowly avoiding bullets.
Panel 3. 12 year old shoe soles turn into springs.
Panel 4. 12 year old lands dramatically
Panel 5. 12 year old points the gun at Will and shoots but gun is empty.
SFX:
Click
Panel 6. 12 year old begins morphing gun to something else
Panel 7. Gun becomes a blade
PAGE THIRTY TWO (7 Panels)
Panel 1. 12 year old attacks and misses Will with the blade.
SFX:
Swish
Panel 2. 12 year old follows with a leg sweep. The sole of her shoe becomes an ice-skating like blade.
Panel 3. 12 Year olds leg is caught by the Sampson with one hand. The other hand rests casually in his pocket.
Sampson: I can't let you do that.
Panel 4. 12 year old kicks with her other leg and frees herself.
SFX:
Swoosh
Panel 5. 12 year old cartwheels back to a safer distance near the schools metal flagpole.
Panel 6: Close up of Sampson stoic and determined.
Panel 7. Close-up of 12 year old. She's nervous. Sweat trickles down the side of her face.
PAGE THIRTY THREE (6 Panels)
Panel 1. 12 year old morphs a chunk of the flagpole into several ninja stars.
Panel 2. She throws the ninja stars which teach casually dodges as he makes his way forward
SFX:
Swoosh
Panel 3. Flagpole falls past Sampson like timber. Sampson is un-phased. Same determined stoic look.
Panel 4. 12 year old smirks and touches the fallen flagpole
Panel 5. Flagpole is touching bicycle rack behind teach
Panel 6. Several bladed bicycle wheels come flying toward teach from behind
PAGE THIRTY FOUR (Panels 6)
Panel 1. Sampson casually steps around the bladed wheels. Same unchanged stoic face.
Panel 2. Sampson then turns around in with a sudden shocked look upon his face.
Panel 3. Sampson drops to his knees in despair. His hands clutching his head in despair.
Teach: NOOOOOoooooo!!!
Panel 4. Sampson is sulking
Sampson says softly: My favourite red bicycle...
Panel 5. 12 year old rushes toward teaches exposed back with a blade in her hand.
Panel 6. Sampson casually catches her knife hand while still despairing over his bicycle.
Sampson softly: I’ve had that bicycle for 19 years…
PAGE THIRTY FIVE (6 Panels)
Panel 1. Sampson forces 12 year olds hands behind her back.
Sampson: I have a few questions for you before I hand you over to the authorities.
Panel 2. Guy leaning against wall starts walking over to them. Will is in the scene.
Guy: You can't do that. You hand her over to the authorities and she's as good as dead.
Will: Who a...
Panel 3. Guy smiles and introduces himself.
Guy:  Who am I? My name is Ethan Bellamy and I can read people's minds.
Panel 4. Will and Ethan are in the scene.
Will: So what do you propose we do then?
Ethan: Let me talk to her for a bit.
Panel 5. Ethan approaches the 12 year old.
Ethan: She's scared...
12 year old: I'm not afraid of anything!
Panel 6. Ethan asks several questions to the girl.
Ethan: What's your name? Who do you work for? Why did you attack Will?
PAGE THIRTY SIX (6 Panels)
Panel 1. 12 year old remains silent.
Panel 2. Ethan gives everyone answers.
Ethan: Her name is Samara Jane. Code name Gun-Girl. Whoa!... She's a Demi-level assassin, an agent of an independent military task force called ‘Shroud’ to take out potential threats. Her power is to control metal she touches. She's been trained in the use of all firearms. She doesn't know why Will was the target. Heh. She thinks I’m a moron because…. Oh *censored*!
Panel 3. Ethan looks surprised.
Ethan: *censored*, *censored*, *censored*!
Panel 4. Ethan grabs a wire from behind Gun-Girls ear.
Panel 5: Ethan stomping the wire into the ground.
Panel 6: Gun-Girl is crying.
Gun-Girl: Now you've gone and done it. Everyone who has just heard what you have said has been marked by them. We're all as good as dead.
PAGE THIRTY SEVEN(6 Panels)
Panel 1. Ethan tries to calm Gun-Girl down.
Ethan: You know we're all in this together now.
Panel 2. Ethan crouches down to reassure Gun-Girl.
Ethan. Tell you what... You've seen how strong Teach is right?
Panel 3. Gun-Girl nods head while crying.
Panel 4. Ethan puts a reassuring hand on Gun-Girls shoulder.
Ethan: Well from now on your gonna live with Will and Teach. They'll protect you!
Panel 5. Will and teach synchronously shocked.
Will and Teach: WHAAAAAATTTT!!!???
Panel 6. Ethan concerned look.
Ethan: In fact, if this agency is as dangerous as I think it is then it's not a bad idea if we all stick together from now on.
PAGE THIRTY EIGHT (Panels 6)
Panel 1. Focus on Elsie who is now fully healed but looks super skinny and frail.
Eslie: (weakly)...er guys
Panel 2. Will, Teach and others look toward Elsie.
Will: Oh, *censored*! We forgot about Elsie!
Ethan: She needs food and drink.
Panel 3. Sampson gets some food from his lunchbox.
Panel 4. Ethan grabs a hose.
Panel 5. Ethan sprays hose down Elsies throat.
SFX:
Gargle
Panel 6. Elsie starts looking more normal.
PAGE THIRTY NINE (6 Panels)
Panel 1. Elsie is back to normal. Stomach is heavily bloated.
Panel 2. Elsie stands up and starts pulling her larger gut up.
Panel 3. Elsies gut becomes enlarged boobs. Top button of schoolshirt pops out to show cleavage.
Panel 4. Will, Sampson and Ethan are synchronously gobsmacked.
Will, Sampson and Ethan: WHOA!!!
Panel 5. Elsie gives a slap across all 3 of their cheeks in one slap.
SFX:
Slap
Panel 6. Elsie. Arms folded in disgust. Will, Sampson and Ethan hold their swollen cheeks.
Elsie: Jackasses.
PAGE FORTY(6 Panels)
Panel 1. Students start gathering outside around the area.
Panel 2. Frost teach approaches them. She blushes when she sees Sampson
Frost teacher: Hey is everything ok… you piece of crap?(Frost teacher likes Sampson… but has a mild case of torrets around him maybe…?)
Panel 3. Sampson gathers the group.
Sampson: Er.. I'm ok. Just going to get these guys over to the authorities. Shouldn't be a problem.
Frost teacher: I hope you know what you’re doing…Stay safe…you turd in a  burger of poop….
Samson. um… Thanks?
Panel 4. They begin leaving the school grounds A high level powered janito arrives to grudgingly start cleaning up their mess. (Same high-level power will show up to clean up their mess each time after a fight...etc, like a stan lee cameo?)
Panel 5. Gun-Girl tugs on Sampsons sleeve.
Gun-Girl: So where you taking us Gramps?
Panel 6. Sampson is flustered.
Sampson: I'm not old, I'm 43. Still in my prime!
PAGE FOURTY ONE (6 Panels)
Panel 1. Sampson grits teeth.
Gun-Girl: Seems pretty old to me!
Sampson: Tch.
Panel 2. Sampson serious face.
Sampson. If we need somewhere safe, I may know a place. Just till we work out what to do next.
Panel 3. Will and Ethan talk.
Will: Hey Ethan, you said you’re a mind reader, can you read the Teachs mind?
Ethan: The Teach is the one person I can't read. Everything is too jumbled...
Panel 4. Sunsets. They walk to the outskirts of the city
Panel 5. They arrive at a dilapidated wooden house.
Elsie: This house looks creepy.
Panel 6. They are inside the house. Teach begins feeling around the floor.
PAGE FOURTY-TWO (6 Panels)
Panel 1. Teach finds a button under a floorboard.
SFX:
click
Panel 2. Floorboard opens up to reveal stairs going down.
Panel 3. They head downstairs.
Elsie: What is this place?
Panel 4. Sampson turns on the lights to reveal a very modern looking living quarters with a large amount of food supplies. Fridge..etc
Sampson: Years ago when the world went to hell, nowhere was safe. It took a long time for the world to recover. My parents built this place in case the world ever fell apart again.
Ethan: Wow, very cool!
Panel 5. Sampson starts cooking some dinner in the kitchen. The rest gather on some couches.
Will: Hey Ethan, I'm kinda curious what you were doing there in the first place?
Panel 6. Zoom in on Ethan explaining.
Ethan: It's just my spot for listening in. Peoples thoughts can be like listening to your favourite tv drama... Just never thought I'd get stuck inside of one though...
PAGE FOURTY-THREE (Panels 6)
Panel 1. Sampson is suddenly concerned.
Sampson: Everyone, trust me and hold your breath right now!
Panel 2. Close-up of Sampson flipping a secret switch
SFX:
click
Panel 3. Ceiling lights up in flames. Mysterious figure (Somewhat burnt) falls to the floor.
Panel 4. Sampson heroic pose.
Sampson: You chose the wrong people to follow. This place right here was built as a safe-haven from superpowered psychopaths like yourself. Who sent you?
Panel 5. Gun-Girl recognises the face of the stranger.
Gun-Girl: Oh *censored*! That's Spectre. He's an assassin from the syndicate. He can become air, get inside your lungs and kill you from the inside out. Oh-no..no they found us already...
Panel 6. Spectre gives a sly smirk.
Spectre: That's right you traitor bitch, and we'll keep on coming for you...
PAGE FOURTY-FOUR (6 Panels)
Panel 1. Sampson king hits Spectre to knock him out.
Spectre:... until every single one of you is fu..
SFX: Pow
Panel 2. Gun-Girls standing up and looking down with fists clenched.
Gun-Girl:  He's right but, you know...
Panel 2. Gun-Girl touches the fridge.
Gun-Girl: So...
Ethan: Oh god...
Panel 3. Gun girl starts morphing the fridge
Gun-Girl: let's take...
Ethan: Don't say it!
Panel 4. Gun-girl has morphed the fridge into a giant mini-gun and has a crazy smile about her.
Gun-Girl: ...the FIGHT to THEM!
Ethan: Oh man, how did I get caught up in this...?
Panel 5. Group shot of all of them. Sampson is tearing his hair out. Ethan is worried. The rest are keen.
Sampson: O gawd! My fridge! Turn it back! Turn it back!
Gun-Girl: (mumbles) I'm an assassin... I only know how to make weapons...
Will: (Sarcastically) Suppose I could, I'm not doing anything tomorrow.
Elsie: Sure why not?
Ethan: You guys aren't seriously thinking of going ahead with this are you?
Panel 6. (Optional- may be a bit tight) Silhouette of the 5 heroes armed to the teeth leaving, behind Spectre in an air tight glass case
Sampson: You better hope we get back from this. There's only enough air in that case to last 24 hours.

End of Book 1


« Last Edit: May 15, 2018, 11:18:12 PM by Rushded »

Offline KeanFox

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Re: Deifics
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2018, 12:33:22 PM »
Sounds interesting. Like Hero Academia meet the movie Divergent. I think you are good with this script format, I get whats going on clearly.

Offline legomaestro

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Re: Deifics
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2018, 10:17:43 PM »
1.

Panel 1. In 1992...? the first super was discovered. (Chaotic scene of police and military trying to control a super.)

- Is it a question or definite?  Also, interesting to go so far back in time.

2.
STORY OVERVIEW CAPTION
40 years ago, the whole world's population unexplainably developed super powers. The resulting chaos caused goverment's to collapse and society to break down in several countries. Now law and order are back through tough enforcement and early assessment of powers for High School teenagers.
20 years later and the entire world’s population had unexplainably developed some kind of power. The result of this dramatic shift caused government’s to collapse and society to break down in several countries. It took another 20 years before a fragile order was restored.

- Okay, usually not a fan of this sort of thing, but to be honest it's a very reliable way to label a story and to tell the audience what exactly they're getting into. I know the kind of story you're talking about, but looking forward to some new twists to the tale and the like.


3.
Panel 1.
Caption: Present Day
Will attempts to bring out powers as he watches supers  with different powers outside playing.

- What powers? Ice powers? Fire? Is he holding out his hands? Is he closing his eyes and concentrating? Is he trying to move a house plant?


4. Teenagers are assessed based on their power and their usefulness to society.

- Haha it's sad because it's true irl...


5. God: World Building and exploration

- Curious about what you mean by 'World Building`?


6.
Demi: Enforcement and military
Dragon: Construction and Engineering
Mutant: Communication and Miscellaneous
Mildly powered: All remaining jobs.

- There seems to be no jobs for security/war/emergency services? Would a Mutant ever be a doctor? Couldn't a Dragon be useful in stopping natural disasters?


7. There is no known case in the world of someone without a super power but 'Will Livingston' seemed to have no gift.

- If Will is the one and only person without an ability then shouldn't he be famous or something? If his condition is rare then that's ok, but if he really is the only human in the entire planet to have no ability then that would be interesting, but you'd also need to think about how he's viewed by the public.


8. Panel 5. Black hole
WILLS CAPTION
... all I can see is this void.

- Calling it: This must be his ability

9. Radio: Describes Wills character.

- What is Will's character?

10. Bully 1: People like you have no place in society.
- So yeah like I said in 7. you should probably say he's one of the few cases without ability rather than the only one.

11.Bully 2: You boys should do society a favour and just kill yourselves
-douche

12. Yuto: That guy with the teleport ability. His name is Franky O'Hare and he is as violent as they come.
- Will managed to punch down someone with the ability to teleport? Yikes.

13. PAGE EIGHT. (6 Panels)
Panel 2. Teacher starts scribbling maths equations. Will starts getting sleepy.

- This is actually a 2 panel description. There are other examples of this across the script, so try to really pay attention to this. If it's too hard to visualize, then try writing a pure tv script form before going for panels.

14. PAGE TEN (6 Panels)
Panel 1. Will has a dumbfounded look on his face while scratching he head.
Will: Er..El..sie? I think you have the wrong class. They don't teach that here. Not in class F...
Panel 2. The classroom door is suddenly kicked open.
SFX:
Panel 3. From the doorway steps out a 12 year old girl holding a gun
12 year old girl: Who here is William Livingston?
Panel 4. Elsie is smitten by the girl.
Elsie: Aww, it's a cute little girl. What's your name sweetie?
12 year old: Out of my face bitch!

- Damn, have some chill plz.


15. 12 year old: To think they give me a Class F flunkie for my first S rank mission. I should of done this sooner.
- Um... Assassin-chan? Why are you revealing so much about your target again?

16. Panel 2. 12 year old sprays bullets. Elsie takes the bullets for Will forcing both Elsie and Will out the classroom window.
- Another scene that compresses too many actions in one panel.


17. PAGE THIRTEEN (7 Panels)
Panel 1. Will semi-worried and confused.
Will: Er... Should we call a doctor?
Guy leaning against wall: She'll be fine.
Panel 2. 12 year old jumps out window guns blazing.
Panel 3. Will back steps narrowly avoiding bullets.
Panel 3. 12 year old shoe soles turn into springs.
Panel 4. 12 year old lands dramatically
Panel 5. 12 year old points the gun at Will and shoots but gun is empty.
SFX:
Click
Panel 6. 12 year old begins morphing gun to something else
Panel 7. Gun becomes a blade


- Great action here!


18. Panel 4. Sampson is sulking
Sampson says softly: My favourite red bicycle...
- Hahaha

19. Ethan: Her name is Samara Jane. Code name Gun-Girl. Whoa!... She's a Demi-level assassin hired by a special government task force to take our potential threats. Her power is to control metal she touches. She's been trained in the use of all firearms. She doesn't know why Will was the target. Heh. She thinks I’m a moron because…. Oh *censored*!

- Pretty useful ability there.

20. Panel 5. Ethan sprays hose down Elsies throat.
SFX:
Gargle

-wtf

21. PAGE TWENTY-FOUR (6 Panels)
Panel 1. Sampson king hits Spectre to knock him out.
Spectre:... until every single one of you is fu..

- Spectre... Don't talk... Kill

22. Panel 4. Gun-girl has morphed the fridge into a giant mini-gun and has a crazy smile about her.
Gun-Girl: ...the FIGHT to THEM!

- She said it.


23. Teach: er... Sometimes I can get too focused on one possible outcome. (drawing of Teacher about to hit a wall. 10 possible outcomes (10 of him around him looking at different things while he rides his bike.) One of his outcomes is him perving on a girl with a red dress.) -Heart eyes outcome of him looking on girl with red dress, dotted line back to him riding a bicycle with heart eyes about to crash into a wall.

- Sounds like a troublesome ability.

Offline Rushded

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Re: Deifics
« Reply #3 on: May 04, 2018, 06:16:04 PM »
Kean fox, that's pretty spot on for what I'm going for. :biggrin:

legomaestro;  Thanks so much for you reply and feedback! :clapping:  helps a lot

1.

Panel 1. In 1992...? the first super was discovered. (Chaotic scene of police and military trying to control a super.)

- Is it a question or definite?  Also, interesting to go so far back in time.
Not 100% on the timeline. Still want to work out the kinks. I like the way Naruto and Sin no Taizen flash back to events before and want to implement that into my story

2.
STORY OVERVIEW CAPTION
40 years ago, the whole world's population unexplainably developed super powers. The resulting chaos caused goverment's to collapse and society to break down in several countries. Now law and order are back through tough enforcement and early assessment of powers for High School teenagers.
20 years later and the entire world’s population had unexplainably developed some kind of power. The result of this dramatic shift caused government’s to collapse and society to break down in several countries. It took another 20 years before a fragile order was restored.

- Okay, usually not a fan of this sort of thing, but to be honest it's a very reliable way to label a story and to tell the audience what exactly they're getting into. I know the kind of story you're talking about, but looking forward to some new twists to the tale and the like.
There will be a reason why everyone developed a power, which i'll cover in the last arc. I kind of want to scrap that start and have a few pages dedicated to showing what happened. I don't like the overview thing

3.
Panel 1.
Caption: Present Day
Will attempts to bring out powers as he watches supers  with different powers outside playing.

- What powers? Ice powers? Fire? Is he holding out his hands? Is he closing his eyes and concentrating? Is he trying to move a house plant?
Will doesn't know what powers he has, So I was thinking we have him trying to push a lamp from a distance with his hand maybe, then stare it down then do some strange power ranger gestures or something....


4. Teenagers are assessed based on their power and their usefulness to society.

- Haha it's sad because it's true irl...
Hehe. I kinda want to flesh this out more too. The types of test they will do, I guess similar to one punch man super assessing.

5. God: World Building and exploration

- Curious about what you mean by 'World Building`?
Hmm.. I think I might change that. IT sounds cheesy. My initial thought was that  its a school for deifics so powerful, they can literally build new worlds or destroy them.
*Major spolier warning
Spoiler
The test at school is to assess if an individual is too powerful, if they are, they get sent to a "special school." Basically a highest security underground prison in the world kept in check by one that can nullify powers.
[/i]


6.
Demi: Enforcement and military
Dragon: Construction and Engineering
Mutant: Communication and Miscellaneous
Mildly powered: All remaining jobs.

- There seems to be no jobs for security/war/emergency services? Would a Mutant ever be a doctor? Couldn't a Dragon be useful in stopping natural disasters?
Very good point. I need to rethink this. Really appreciate the input


7. There is no known case in the world of someone without a super power but 'Will Livingston' seemed to have no gift.

- If Will is the one and only person without an ability then shouldn't he be famous or something? If his condition is rare then that's ok, but if he really is the only human in the entire planet to have no ability then that would be interesting, but you'd also need to think about how he's viewed by the public.
Good point. I'll change it to a rare condition, but not unusual for people to develop powers late maybe. Will is extremely late being 16 yo without any

8. Panel 5. Black hole
WILLS CAPTION
... all I can see is this void.

- Calling it: This must be his ability
Spoiler
Haha. You're half right, and I think its something a lot of people will think too. The void in his dream is a result of someone elses power. Someone has put a block on one of his memories.

9. Radio: Describes Wills character.

- What is Will's character?
hmm. I should of thought more about him. Maybe a bit lanky. Perhaps the loss of his parents has made him a bit emo

10. Bully 1: People like you have no place in society.
- So yeah like I said in 7. you should probably say he's one of the few cases without ability rather than the only one.
Fixing this in my word doc now. Appreciate it!  :thumbsup:
11.Bully 2: You boys should do society a favour and just kill yourselves
-douche
Not sure if this is a good idea, but I'm planning a backstory for most characters including this one to show why they are like they are. This one, because of his father, the father because of something that happened before the deific era.
12. Yuto: That guy with the teleport ability. His name is Franky O'Hare and he is as violent as they come.
- Will managed to punch down someone with the ability to teleport? Yikes.
Good catch. I need to flesh this out more. Will would likely be a moron to pick a fight in this day an age. Maybe I'll have him leaving a rubbish trail  for the patrolling teacher, and the punch will be because he's caught the bully off guard plus people develop their powers from 10-12 so the bully wont have god-like control of it... yet

13. PAGE EIGHT. (6 Panels)
Panel 2. Teacher starts scribbling maths equations. Will starts getting sleepy.

- This is actually a 2 panel description. There are other examples of this across the script, so try to really pay attention to this. If it's too hard to visualize, then try writing a pure tv script form before going for panels.
Thanks. good suggestion. I think i've brain-farted a few of these. 
14. PAGE TEN (6 Panels)
Panel 1. Will has a dumbfounded look on his face while scratching he head.
Will: Er..El..sie? I think you have the wrong class. They don't teach that here. Not in class F...
Panel 2. The classroom door is suddenly kicked open.
SFX:
Panel 3. From the doorway steps out a 12 year old girl holding a gun
12 year old girl: Who here is William Livingston?
Panel 4. Elsie is smitten by the girl.
Elsie: Aww, it's a cute little girl. What's your name sweetie?
12 year old: Out of my face bitch!

- Damn, have some chill plz.


15. 12 year old: To think they give me a Class F flunkie for my first S rank mission. I should of done this sooner.
- Um... Assassin-chan? Why are you revealing so much about your target again?
Good point. I'll have her thinking it and not revealing as much.

16. Panel 2. 12 year old sprays bullets. Elsie takes the bullets for Will forcing both Elsie and Will out the classroom window.
- Another scene that compresses too many actions in one panel.
yup yup

17. PAGE THIRTEEN (7 Panels)
Panel 1. Will semi-worried and confused.
Will: Er... Should we call a doctor?
Guy leaning against wall: She'll be fine.
Panel 2. 12 year old jumps out window guns blazing.
Panel 3. Will back steps narrowly avoiding bullets.
Panel 3. 12 year old shoe soles turn into springs.
Panel 4. 12 year old lands dramatically
Panel 5. 12 year old points the gun at Will and shoots but gun is empty.
SFX:
Click
Panel 6. 12 year old begins morphing gun to something else
Panel 7. Gun becomes a blade


- Great action here!


18. Panel 4. Sampson is sulking
Sampson says softly: My favourite red bicycle...
- Hahaha

19. Ethan: Her name is Samara Jane. Code name Gun-Girl. Whoa!... She's a Demi-level assassin hired by a special government task force to take our potential threats. Her power is to control metal she touches. She's been trained in the use of all firearms. She doesn't know why Will was the target. Heh. She thinks I’m a moron because…. Oh *censored*!

- Pretty useful ability there.

20. Panel 5. Ethan sprays hose down Elsies throat.
SFX:
Gargle

-wtf
hehe.... yeeaaahh.... So I was thinking of making a wolverine type character. Super-fast metabolism. Can regenerate fast, but I didn't want something from nothing. If there's a hole through  her, she needs something  to consume to fill it, in this case water... I have made this character a bit weird tho. Hopefully not too much because she's kind of important and I don't want people to dislike her.

21. PAGE TWENTY-FOUR (6 Panels)
Panel 1. Sampson king hits Spectre to knock him out.
Spectre:... until every single one of you is fu..

- Spectre... Don't talk... Kill

22. Panel 4. Gun-girl has morphed the fridge into a giant mini-gun and has a crazy smile about her.
Gun-Girl: ...the FIGHT to THEM!

- She said it.


23. Teach: er... Sometimes I can get too focused on one possible outcome. (drawing of Teacher about to hit a wall. 10 possible outcomes (10 of him around him looking at different things while he rides his bike.) One of his outcomes is him perving on a girl with a red dress.) -Heart eyes outcome of him looking on girl with red dress, dotted line back to him riding a bicycle with heart eyes about to crash into a wall.

- Sounds like a troublesome ability.

I'm a bit conflicted whether I should reveal their powers as their fighting each other like 'terraformars', or leave it a mystery till later...

I'll make the changes to my word doc, and then fix it up on MR soon. Thanks again! :D

Offline Rushded

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Re: Deifics
« Reply #4 on: May 14, 2018, 11:27:39 PM »
Hey guys. Finished book 2. *Apologies. I know its not so nice to read in script format. Let me know if its too corny, you see plot holes or anything that could be better. Thanks all .  ;D

Deifics Book#2
Spoiler
PAGE ONE
Caption
6 years ago…
Panel 1.  It’s raining. There are police sirens, a dead body and 3 people in trench-coats are standing around the body of a young 10 year old girl.
Panel 2. Close-up of blue-skinned man in a trench-coat.
Blue-skinned man: Why bring me here? There’s nothing you can show me that will change my mind.
Panel 3. Close-up of the woman in a trench-coat.
Trench-coat woman: The dead girl…Use your power… tell us what you see.
Panel 4. A blue-skinned man in a trench-coat holds one hand over the face of the dead body.
Panel 5. Close up of blue-skinned mans face, his eyes begin to glow….
Blue-skinned man: The cause of death is by an ability it-
PAGE TWO
Panel 1. Blue skinned mans face changes to that of anguish.
Blue-skinned man:  horrifying… so strong… This-th..
Panel 2. Close-up of the woman:
Trench-coat woman: You understand now why we need you? This is bigger than all of us…
Panel3. Close-up of of the 3rd person in a trench-coat. It’s spectre smoking a cigar.
Spectre. We got our work cut out for us…

PAGE THREE (5 Panels)
Panel 1: Its morning and the unlikely team prepare for war. Sampson is packing a backpack full of equipment
WILLS CAPTION
February 1st, 2040 at 6:42 am(Present day). 8 hours before we would become international criminals...
Ethan: I still can't believe you guys are going ahead with this. Oh hey, let's head straight to an assassins nest. An organisation specialised in killing people like us!
Will: Gun-Girl was raised and trained there. She's probably got a plan.
Gun-Girl: Of Course!
Panel 2. Close-up on Gun-girl and Ethan.
Ethan: She doesn't...
Gun-Girl: Stay out of my head ETHAN!
Panel 3. Close-up on Ethan.
Ethan: I didn't need to read your mind to figure out that one... Why are we even following a 12 year olds idea anyway?
Panel 4. Close-up on Will
Will: Look Ethan. If you have a better plan, I'm all ears...  Currently, the way I see it, her idea is better than us sitting around and waiting for them to try and knife us again.
Panel 5. Close-up on Ethan
Ethan: (mumbles) Tch. Bunch of nutbags. I wonder if this assassin group are more reasonable...
PAGE TWO (6 Panels)
Panel 1. Birds eye of group walking through the city.
Panel 2. Sampson walks into a wall.
Panel 3. Close-up of Elsie giving a hand to Sampson to help him up.
Elsie: Are you okay?
Sampson: Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks.

Panel 4. Close-up of Will.
Will: Hey Teach, I've always wondered how you can be so good at fighting, yet so clumsy. What exactly is your power?
Panel 5. Close-up of Sampson with a smirk.
Sampson: Glad you asked kiddo. It is a pretty cool power. My power is to see...
Panel 6. Close-up of Sampson grinning.
Sampson: ...into the FUTURE!
PAGE THREE (Panels 6)
Panel 1: Focus on the group.
Ethan: Oh cool, So you can tell whether this mission will succeed?
Will: Ooh, can you tell me how I die?
Elsie: What’s it like in the future?'
Gun-Girl: Am I super hot as a grown up?
Sampson: Er... I can't see that far...
Panel 2. Close-up of Ethan
Ethan: hmm can you tell us who wins the soccer game this lunchtime?
Panel 3: Close-up of Sampson looking a little depressed.
Sampson: I can't see that far ahead either...
Panel 4: Close-up of Sampson smiling again.
Sampson:...but I CAN see not 1.
Panel 5: Close-up of Sampson holding 2 fingers up.
Sampson: ...but TWO...
Panel 6: Close-up of Sampson grinning. Sparkles in teeth.
Sampson: (*mutters/) Seconds... into the FUTURE!
PAGE FOUR (6 Panels)
Panel 1. Focus on Will and Sampson.
Will: 2 seconds into the future. That is actually a pretty cool power...
Sampson: Right!? Right!?
Panel 2. Focus on Will
Will: Doesn't that mean you saw yourself riding into the wall, and yet you did it anyway....
Panel 3. Focus on Sampson scratching the back of his head with an ackward smile.
Sampson: haha.. Good pickup... I guess I'll have to so some more explaining...
Panel 4: Focus on Sampson.
Sampson: You see... My power lets me see hundreds of thousands of possibilities 2 seconds ahead of me.
Panel 5: Close-up of Ethan.
Ethan: That explains why your minds so jumbled whenever I tried to read you.
Panel 6: Close-up of Sampson scratching his head nervously.
Sampson : ...but that's not the reason I rode into the wall...
PAGE FIVE (One Panel)
Panel 1. Side of Sampsons face. (drawing of Teacher about ride into a wall. 10 possible outcomes (10 of him around him looking at different things while he rides his bike.) One of his outcomes is him perving on a girl with a red dress.) -Heart eyes outcome of him looking on girl with red dress, dotted line back to him riding a bicycle with heart eyes about to crash into a wall.
Sampson: er... Sometimes I can get too focused on one possible outcome.
PAGE SIX (Five Panels)
Panel 1. Close up of Gun-Girl
Gun-Girl: 2 seconds!? That's your power!? God that's pretty average. Well, we still have Will...
Panel 2. Close up of Gun-Girl and Will.
Will: Actually, I don't have a power...
Gun-Girl: Hah, good one Will. Seriously, what is it?
Panel 3. Close-up of Will casually replying. Ethan and Gun-Girl are also in the shot.
Will: No, seriously, I don't have one.
Ethan: He's telling the truth.
Gun-Girl: What!? Why would they have a hit out on you then!?
Panel 4. Close-up of Will.
Will: Dunno, you tell me.
Panel 5. Close-up of Gun-girl starting to panic a little.
Gun-Girl: Oh gawd, we are so dead, we are sooo dead.
PAGE SEVEN (Six Panels)
Panel 1. Ethan and Gun-Girl are talking.
Ethan: It's not too late to head back.
Gun-Girl: It's probably not a bad idea. It's just... They'll find us.. They always do....
Panel 2. Sampson puts a hand on Gun-Girls shoulder to comfort her.
Sampson: Trust me kiddo. Our team is a lot stronger than you think...
Panel 3: Gun-Girl takes on a deep breath and puts on brave face.
Panel 4: Gun-Girl looks up to Sampson.
Gun-Girl: Hey is it ok if we head into Walmart along the way?
Panel 5: Sampson looks down at Gun-girl smiling.
Sampson: Good idea, no good fighting on an empty stomach.
Panel 6: Gun-Girl morphs some metal into a gun and tries firing in the air
SFX: Click... click... click.
Gun-Girl: Actually I need gunpowder
PAGE EIGHT (Four Panels)
Panel 1: They are all happily eating their lunches. Elsie has 3 plates to herself and her mouth is full.
Ethan: Thanks for shouting us all lunch Teach. I'd help pay but, y'know I'm just a student.
Sampson: Don't mention it!
Elsie: Yesh *burp Schancks brerry much. *gulp
Sampson: How do you even eat that much?
Panel 2: Gun-girl is busy making bullets from a gunpowder satchel. Sampson is looking sadly at his now empty wallet. A fly/moth flys out of his wallet.
Gun-girl: ... and for the gunpowder!
Sampson: Yes, no-one else needs to thank-me... It reminds me how broke I am. *cry.
Panel 3: They all get out of the chairs. Elsie stomach is heavily swollen.
Ethan: You're looking a little round down there Elsie..
Will: Hehe, It looks like you're about to give birth to your food baby.
Elsie: Oh, so it does. Hang on one tick.
Panel 4: Elsie turns her back to the men and huddles tightly to squeeze her stomach. Will has heart eyes and whispers to Ethan. Ethan sees something horrifying coming.
Will: Ooh, shes doing that thing again!
Ethan: Oh no....
PAGE NINE (Five Panels)
Panel 1: Focus on Elsies booty *farts
SFX: QWOFF...
Panel 2: Elsies back to normal. Will is passed out. Ethan is holding his eyes.
Elsie: Oop. Excuse me.
Ethan: Argh. I can feel my eyes burning.
Panel 3:  The group are seen going into a clothing store. Sampson is dragging Will by the collar.
Panel 4: Close-up of Sampson's fist knocking on a door inside the shop.
SFX: Knock...Knock, Knock...Knock
Panel 5: An old man opens the door.
Old man: Sampson?
Sampson: Hello old friend. I need a favour...
Old man: After what you did for me and my folks a decade ago… just name it.
PAGE TEN (Two Panels)
Panel 1:  The group are seen leaving the clothing store and back out to the mall
Panel 2: An agent is reporting their whereabouts.
Agent:  Eagle x here. They are still wandering around the mall.
Radio: Roger that. Keep tailing. When they are by themselves we take them.
PAGE ELEVEN (Four Panels)
Panel 1: Close-up of the group. It is not Sampson, Ellie, Will, Ethan but the old man using a clone power, wearing their clothes.
Panel 2: Ethan, Sampson, Ellie and Will are seen exiting from a sewer manhole in a back alley and wearing different clothes.
Panel 3: Closeup of Sampson
Sampson: We've probably got less than an hour before they notice.
Panel 4: Closeup of Gun-Girl
Gun-Girl: Alright, I know where we are. Follow me, I'll take us the safest way over there.
PAGE TWELVE
Panel 1. The squad hug a wall. Gun-girls hand is up telling them to stop.
Panel 2. Focus on camera.
Panel 3. Camera looks another way
Panel 4. The group can be seen darting round the corner with whilst the camera looks away.
PAGE THIRTEEN
Panel 1. The group are hiding behind a wall. In the background there is an entrance to a large building.  There are 2 guards standing at the entrance..
Panel 2. Focus on Gun Girl.
Gun-Girl: This is the place. “Shroud”
Panel 3. Focus on Ethan.
Ethan: I don’t think they know about us. Let me use my skill on them. I think I’d be the least suspected of us.
Panel 4. Sampson gives the ok by nodding.
PAGE FOURTEEN
Panel 1. Ethan walks toward the guards whilst the others watch on.
Panel 2. Focus on Will
Will: Do you trust him?
Panel 3. Focus on Sampson.
Sampson no… not entirely…
Panel 4. Focus on Sampson.
Sampson. But trust should be earnt. I’m willing to give him this chance.
PAGE FIFTEEN
Panel 1. Ethan starts talking to one of the guards.
Ethan: Excuse me, I think I’m a little lost. What is this building?
Pane l2: Focus on guard and Ethan.
Guard: Sir this place is off limits. I’m going to have to ask you kindly to leave.
Ethan: Ooh, is this a high security place? How would you break in? Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it.
Panel 3: Focus on guard. His hands begin to glow.
Guard: Leave now! This is your final warning…
Panel 4. Ethan walking away. Heads down. Hands in his pocket.
Ethan: Alright, geez. No need to get dramatic.
PAGE SIXTEEN
Panel 1. Ethan is back with the group.
Sampson: So what did you find out?
Panel 2. Focus on Ethan.
Ethan: The guards think it’s financial building they need to protect.
Panel 3. Focus on Ethan.
Ethan: I found out that there’s a loose panel round the side on the second floor. We can get in during a guard rotation in 10 minutes.
Panel 4. Ethan shows concern.
Ethan: Also, guys… Can we be careful. While I was asking questions, the guard started getting worried. He has a family and is due for retiring in a few days… I kinda feel for the guy.
PAGE SEVENTEEN
Panel 1: Focus on Gun-Girl.
Gun Girl: Don’t worry, I’m a trained assassin. A master of stealth, and if we should go loud…
Panel 2: Focus on Gun Girl giving a cheesy smile and a thumbs up.
…I can sever all nerve endings and spinal column of any opposition, effectively disabling any threat to us without any killing!
Panel 3: Focus on Ethan.
Ethan: You’re a psychopath. We’re not doing this…
Panel 4: Focus on Sampson.
Sampson: It’s almost time. Let’s do this.
Panel 5. The group can be seen running off to around the side of the building. Sampson is carrying a disgruntled Ethan.
PAGE EIGHTEEN
Panel 1. Focus on a panel on the second floor of the building.
Panel 2. Sampson throwing Gun Girl up.
Panel 3. Sampson throwing a bag up.
Panel 4. Gun Girl throwing a rope down.
Panel 5. The group are crawling through a vent into the building.
PAGE NINETEEN
Panel 1. The group can be seen clambering into the building. A Shadow in the foreground looks on.
PAGE TWENTY
Panel 1. A woman with violet hair and long skinny fingers stands casually waiting for them to all arrive.
Violet: Welcome back Samara. I see you’ve brought some friends.
Panel 2. Gun Girl looks at her in shock.
Gun Girl: Violet! How did you know we’d be here!?
Panel 3: Violet and Ethan in scene.
Violet: That paranoid guard at the front had it right front had it right for once. He asked me to check this place…
Ethan: Tch.. Dammit.
Panel 4: Focus on Violet holding up a radio.
Violet: This is Lash reporting in. We have a br-
Panel 5: Radio smashes to pieces because of a Kunai thrown by gun girl.
SFX: KRAK!
PAGE TWENTY ONE
Panel 1: Focus on Violet
Violet: That was a mistake Samara. You always lost to me in training.
Panel 2: Focus on Violet.
Violet: It won’t be medical this time. This time-
Panel 3: Focus on Violet. Her fingers stretch out even longer.
Violet: This time, I’m going to send you to the morgue!!!
Panel 4: Focus on Violet unleashing her power of finger whips on Gun girl.
Violet: RuaaaAGGH!!
PAGE TWENTY TWO
Panel 1: Gun Girl tries desperately to block her attack.
Panel 2: There are too many attacks from different directions. Gun girl is hit.
Panel 3. She is hit several more times.
Panel 4. Gun Girl begins cowering in a corner beginning to cry as the torrent of whipping continues.
Panel 5. Focus on a hand grabbing on one of the whip fingers. The hand bleeding as it does.
PAGE TWENTY THREE
Panel 1. Focus on Elsie. She begins pulling that 1 finger toward her like climbing a rope
Panel 2. Elsie steps close. Her hands bleeding, but she won’t let go.
Panel 3. Focus on Violet and Elsie. A torrent of whips cutting up Elsie more.
Panel 4. Focus on Elsie’s foot taking another step closer. A torrent of whipping causing blood droplets on the ground.
Violet: Stay back! Stay back!!!
PAGE TWENTY FOUR
Panel 1. Close-up of Violet and Elsie. Violet is scared and starting to sweat. Elsie’s face is cutup but she is looking angry.
Else: I won’t let you hurt her again!!!
Panel 2.  Elsie unleashes a punch on Violet. X-ray of scene shows the punch cracking violets ribs.
SFX: KRAK
Violet: Bleerghh!
PAGE TWENTY FIVE
Panel 1. Violet is on the ground clutching her chest.
 Violet. *Cough. Heh. You guys don’t know do you? *pant
Panel 2. Focus on Violet. A bit of blood coming out of her mouth.
Violet: This isn’t just some single assassins guild. *cough. Were international baby. You’re as good as *censored*ed… hehehe.. *Cough, splurge
Panel 3. Focus on Ethan.
Ethan: *censored*! She’s telling the truth.
Panel 4. Focus on Will. Gun girl in the background with a metal baseball bat ready to hit Violet.
Will: The servers… Maybe if we can find the server room. We can delete ourselves from the hit list…
Panel 5. Focus on Sampson and Gun Girl.
Sampson: Sounds like a good a plan as any. Gun Girl do you know where the server room is.
Gun Girl: I don’t know *sniff. They don’t tell me that much.
PAGE TWENTY SIX
Panel 1. Focus on Sampson.
Sampson: Hmm… We got a lot of ground to cover.
Panel 2. Sampson reaches into his bag
Sampson. We’re going to have to split up, but stay safe. Avoid cameras and security.
Panel 3. Sampson hands each member a walkie talkie.
Sampson: If you’re in trouble, use these. I’ll start from the top floor. The rest of you. Teams of two each floor…
Panel 4. The group move out in teams of two except Sampson.
Sampson: Let’s move out!
Panel 5. Ethan and gun girl walking together.
Ethan: You know. You sure did cry a lot for a trained assassin…
Gun girl: As an assassin, your trained to feign emotion to bring about the optimal result and see, it worked, didn’t it?
Panel 6. Focus on  Gun girl and Ethan. Gun girls face turns red.
Ethan: You know I can tell your lying right?
Gun Girl: Grrr. Why did I get paired with you!
PAGE TWENTY SEVEN
Panel 1. Woman is overlooking the city(Same woman from page one.)
Caption:  A few minutes earlier.
Phone: This is Lash reporting in. We have a br- *beep, *beep
Panel 2. Woman talks to the phone.
Woman caption: *censored*! Most of our agents are in the field.
Woman: Calling all available agents. Report to my office. We have a potential code orange.
Panel 3. 3 agents of varying shapes and sizes stand before the woman.
Woman: We’ve lost contact with agent Lash, so assume the threat to be real.
Panel 4: Woman continues while pacing.
Woman: I want you to find them and deal with the situation. Call in if you need help. Don’t try and be a hero here.
Panel 5. The 4 agents split up leaving her alone.
Panel 6. There is a creaking of her office door.
PAGE TWENTY EIGHT
Panel 1. Sampson leans casually at the door opening. 
Sampson: Typical of the boss sit on the top floor. Thanks for making it easy for me to find you.
Panel 2. Woman reaches for her phone.
Panel 3. Focus on Sampsons hand holding a broken cable.
Sampson: Sorry, no interruptions please.
Panel 4. Focus on Woman.
Woman: Tch…
Panel 5. Woman starts unbuttoning her trench-coat.
Sampson: Whoah! I thought we could maybe talk first, you know, get to know each other…
PAGE TWENTY NINE
Panel 1. Woman throws trench-coat away to reveal special armoured military suit with various fancy looking gadgets and weaponry.
PAGE THIRTY
Panel 1. Elsie are wandering through a floor checking each room.
Will: The floors too big. Can you cover right? I’ll cover left. We’ll meet back here in 2 minutes.
Elsie: Roger Dodger
Panel 2. Will turns a corner only to stumble across a thin frail looking man.
Panel 3. Frail man begins to grin a toothless smile.
Bruiser: Looks like you’ll be the unlucky victim today. My codename is Bruiser. It’s that for a reason, tee hee hee.
Panel 4. His body begins to morph. His arm is now four times its original size in muscle. His Jaw has begun to grow.
PAGE THIRTY ONE
Panel 1. The floor know has cracks from all the muscle weight. He looks like an oversized bald gorilla. His arms are ten times the size they once were and there was barely enough ceiling room to contain him.
Bruiser: I hope you like pancakes, cause that’s whats on the menu!
Panel 2. Will strikes a dramatic pose.
Wills caption. Geez, and I thought Sampsons jokes were bad.
Will: Alright! Let’s do this!
PAGE THIRTY TWO
Panel 1. Elsie in the foreground. Background is a woman with hair the size of noodles, but each strand seemed to wriggle and crawl.
Worm:  Hello dearie. My, you look like a tasty one.
Panel 2. Close up of Worm. Something is wriggling across her eyeball.
Worm: They call me Worm. How I do so loathe the name, I do like its…functionality.
Panel 3. Focus on Elsie smiling happily whilst holding out her hand.
Elsie: Please to meet you. My name is Elsie!
Panel 4. Worm looks at the hand a little hesitant at first.
Panel 5. Close up of the handshake.
PAGE THIRTY THREE
Panel 1. Focus on worm now smiling arrogantly.
Worm: You’re too trusting bitch! Now my worms are going to eat you from the inside out.
Panel 2. Worms begin crawling under the skin of Elsies hand.
Panel 3. Elsies hand begins to shrivel up. Worms grip gets tighter and the worms are now up to Elsies shoulder.
Panel 4. Elsie smiles sadistically. (she looks to of aged 20 years.)
Elsie: And your too forgetful Karah…
Panel 5. Elsies dried up hand begins twisting around Worms.
Worm: What!?
PAGE THIRTY FOUR
Panel 1. Focus on Elsie’s eyes.
Elsie: My codename was ‘Devour’. Do you remember…?
Panel 2. Worms face in shock.
Worm: What! It can’t be. Y-your dead.
Panel 3. Elsie has a smug look. Her arm now merged with worms and has twisted up around her neck.
Elsie: It’s a nice new HQ you guys have here. I’m going to burn it to the ground just like your last one!
Panel 4. Worm looks like a shrivelled corpse. Silhouette of Elsie waking away in the background.
PAGE THIRTY FIVE
Panel 1.  Ethan and gun girl get to a large staircase.
Panel 2. Gun Girl looks behind her.
Gun Girl: Something doesn’t feel right
Panel 3. Gun girl roll jumps backward while throwing kunai forward.
Ethan:  No! wait!
Panel 4: The Kunai seem to hit nothing and bounce to the ground
PAGE THIRTY SIX
Panel 1. Out from a cloaked metal plate pops a mysterious figure.
Panel 2. He begins clapping.
Gun Girl: …Chameleon!
Chameleon: Well done Samara. I knew your honed, instincts, skills and reflexes would find me and avoid that obvious trap, however...
Panel 3. Chameleon grins mischievously
Chameleon: …I knew your instincts would make you jump back to that very spot.
Panel 4:  Metal walls shoot up from the floor around gun girl.
Panel 5. Chameleon looks casually at Ethan. Noises can be heard from the metal box as Gun Girl tries to break out.
Chameleon: You there. I don’t think we’ve met
PAGE THIRTY SEVEN
Panel 1. Chameleon introduces himself. Ethan gets a radio message from Will.
Chameleon: My codename is Chameleon. Master tactician, strategist and s-
Radio: Ethan, come in Ethan…?
Ethan: One sec.
Panel 2. Ethan talks to Will on the Radio.
Ethan: What’s up?
Will: I’m at the server room. Think you can get me the password?
Panel 3. Ethan looks at Chameleon.
Ethan: What’s the admin password?
Chameleon: hmmm. You know I’m the administrator… I won’t tell you.
Panel 4: Ethan talks to his radio.
Ethan: Tiny Wool Lute
Panel 5. Chameleon is shocked
Chameleon Caption.
Amazing. He looked at my bracelet made of wool. Saw the attached tiny Lute figurine and knew that the password is an anagram of “I won’t tell you.”
Panel 6. Chameleon smirks but a sweat down the side of his head shows he’s a little worried.
Chameleon: Heh, You’re pretty good. But you’re in my world now. This entire area is booby trapped and invisible to your eyes. Not even you can beat a master strategist like me!
PAGE THIRTY EIGHT
Panel 1. Ethan looks at the ground. His hands now his pocket.
Panel 2. Worried look of Chameleon.
Chameleon Caption: What’s he doing? He won’t even look at me…
Panel 3. Ethan begins to walk towards him casually.
Chameleon Caption: Oh, I see. He knows he can’t rely on his vision because of the traps, so he’s using his other senses.
Panel 4. Chameleon smirks but sweat is pouring down his face now.
Chameleon caption: But I knew I might encounter someone like his, so I setup a trap on the 3rd stair in front of him.
PAGE THIRTY NINE
Panel 1. Focus on Ethans footsteps sidestepping.
Chameleon Caption: He knew that I would setup a trap like that and avoided it, but I knew that he would know to avoid it so …
Panel 2. Ethan spins back subtly. Chameleon starts frantically tapping on a wrist device.
Chameleon Caption:  Dammit, he sensed the changes in the gravity coming from my counter trap. In that case-
Panel 3. Strobe lighting flashes the room.
Chameleon Caption: -I’ll blind all his senses.
SFX: REEEEEEEEEE
Panel 4. Ethan dances about the room casually. Some traps go off, but none touch him.
Panel 5.  Focus on Chameleon. His grits his teeth. Sweat pours down his forehead eyes are wide.
PAGE FOURTY
Panel 1. Focus on Chameleons feet.  A Tile depresses.
Panel 2. A net is revealed under Chameleon that starts to pull him up.
SFX: SWOOSH.
Panel 3. Chameleon looks out at Ethan from inside the net.
Chameleon. Heh. I’ve been outplayed. I’m glad I was finally bested by a fellow intellectual.
Panel 4. Focus on Ethan.
Ethan: yeah. I am smart. The others don’t treat me like I am. It’s nice to finally have someone who appreciates me, you know?
Gun Girl: Get him to let me out, ya jackass.
Panel 5. Focus on Ethan.
Ethan: Oh right… Can you?
PAGE FOURTY ONE
Panel 1. Chameleon starts typing on his wrist device.
Chameleon: Yes… or course…
Panel 2. Focus on Chameleon.
Chameleon: Samara was the same to me too. Good luck with her…
Panel 3. Gun girl and Ethan walk off leaving Chameleon trapped in the net.
Chameleon: Till we meet again…
PAGE FOURTY TWO
Panel 1. Will and Bruiser are staring each other down.
Panel 2. Bruiser starts charging towards Will.
Panel 3. Will spots something next to him.
Will: Ooh. Server room!
Panel 4. Will casually wanders in there while Bruiser charges past. Debris flying past as he does
PAGE FOURTY THREE
Panel 1. Bruiser tries to stick an arm in to reach him.
Bruiser: Come here and fight dammit!
Panel 2. Will starts playing with a laptop.
Will: You can’t come in here can you?
Panel 3. Bruiser starts hammering at the ground.
Bruiser: Whatever your trying to do. It’s pointless without a password…
Panel 4. Will starts talking on the radio
Radio: Ethan, come in Ethan…?
Panel 5. Will talks to Ethan on the Radio
Will: I’m at the server room. Think you can get me the password?
Panel 6. Close-up of Wills fingers typing on the keyboard.

PAGE FOURTY FOUR
Panel 1. Bruiser starting to look a little worried.
Will: I’m in.
Bruiser: Whaat!!? …Your bluffing…
Panel 2. Will staring into the laptop while typing.
Will: Geez, you guys have info on a lot of people.
Bruiser: Command, come in Command. Tch.. Comms are out.
Panel 3. Will holding his hand over the delete button.
Will: Aaaaand were deleted.
Bruiser: You’re not fooling anyone kid. Come out now and I’ll go easy on you…
Panel 4. Will keeps browsing the laptop.
Will: …What’s Project Isolation?
Bruiser: Oh *censored*!...
PAGE FOURTY FIVE
Panel 1. Sampson stands in front of the mysterious woman. The woman in a combat ready posture.
Sampson: Look. I came here because I want to talk.
Phase: We have nothing to talk about.
Panel 2. Sampson tries to negotiate peacefully
Sampson: Their just kids! Can you not let this one slide?
Phase: Let me ask you a question, since you and I are both of that age…
Panel 3. Phase still on guard.
Phase: You remember the pre-deific era?
Sampson: *sigh, I do.
Phase: What was the greatest threat to the world back then?
Panel 4. Sampson Shrugs.
Sampson: An asteroid impact, another world war, the weather… nothings changed….
Phase: It was nukes! 1 nuke in the wrong hands could end the world and all it would take is a push of a button.
PAGE FOURTY SIX
Panel 1. Focus on Phase.
Phase: Back then, nuclear weapons were walled behind the people in power, and the people with the money.
Panel 2. Phase still talking away
Phase: In this day and age, every single person on this planet could be a potential bomb just waiting to go off…
Sampson: You can’t just execute people on a whim!
Panel 3. Phase continues. Radio on Sampson spatters.
Phase: You may think us evil, but we are a necessary evil, in order to keep this world safe.
Radio: Pshht… Guys. This group… They’re with the government…
Panel 4. Sampson still listening to the radio. Phases eyes narrow.
Radio: Also… The World building school… It’s not a school. It’s a prison. Jayden… We have to save him…*aaah.
Panel 5. Sampson showing concern.
Sampson: Will! Come in Will. Are you ok?
Radio: *psshht  Its.. Bruiser. He’s- grabbed hold…of me.. I-I’ll be ok.
Phase: * sigh. There’s no way I can let you live know. You all know too much.
Panel 6. Phase smiles. Sampson grimaces back.
Phase: Your boys already dead. Bruiser has never last a fight in close combat.
Sampson: For Bruisers sake, I hope that’s not the case…
PAGE FOURTY SEVEN
Panel 1. Will and Bruiser are having the lamest fight in superhero history. Bruiser is in skinny form pulling at Wills face. Will is pushing at Bruisers cheek. A tangled mess of lanky limbs push away at each other.
PAGE FOURTY EIGHT
Panel 1. Sampsons eyes narrow
Panel 2. Scene of Sampsons fist going through Phases head, whilst Phase impales him with a hidden sword from her suit.
Panel 3. Scene of Sampson punching her chest. It connects, causing the chestpiece to push back with his fist, but Phase is un-phased and has already sliced his lower half off with another hidden blade.
Panel 4. Sampson tries an attack and is killed.
Panel 5. Sampson tries an attack and is killed.
PAGE FOURTY NINE
Panel. The two are still standing there pacing around each other.
Phase: You know my power don’t you. I can see it in your eyes…
Panel 2. Phase starts tapping on her wrist device on her right hand.
Phase: In that case, I’ll make the first move.
Panel 3. Gun turrets pop out the ceiling.
Panel 4. Sampson dodges the initial bullets spray and kicks away her wrist device. His foot phases right through her arm.
Panel 5. Phase taps on her wrist device on her left hand.
Panel 6. Blades from all corners of the room pop out.
PAGE FIFTY
Panel 1. Blades run sporadically through the room. Sampson dodges each one barely. Phase remains still while still tampering with her device. Some blades go through her and cut up some clothing but she remains unhurt.
Panel 2. Sampson dodges a blade and kicks her device away. Again his foot phases through her.
Panel 3. Phase folds out some blades from behind her arm to make swords. Sampson smiles.
Sampson: You’ve got too much reliance on that suit of yours.
Phase. This suit will end you!
Panel 4. Phase slashes with both swords. Sampson rolls forward to dodge.
PAGE FIFTY ONE
Panel 1. Sampson performs a straight high kick for Phases groin area. Because of Phases ability, his kick follows all the way through to above her head taking her entire suit with it.
Panel 2. Phase standing nude and a little flustered
Phase: Congratulations. You just earned yourself spot no. 1 on my list
PAGE FIFTY TWO
Panel 1. Phase floats through the window of the building to escape.
Panel 2. Ethan, Gun-girl , Will and Elsie bust into the room.
Panel 3. Focus on Sampsons shirt covered in blood. The team are shocked in the background.
Panel 4. Sampson blushed and grinning stupidly. Profuse nose bleed as a result of what he’d seen.
Gun girl: Oh no. Looks at his simple-minded face. They must of beat the brains out of him.
Will: We need a hospital!
Elsie: Oh no! The enemies power is contagious. Look Ethan’s got a nosebleed and stupid grin too, now!
PAGE FIFTY THREE
Panel 1. The team are seen leaving the building which is now on fire. Elsies is pretending not to know about who lit the fire. Ethan resigns himself to follow them.
Gun girl: Wow…. We did it…
Sampson: Whoa! Who lit that up?
Elsie: Whistling to herself.
Will: Guys, I know we’ve been through a lot, but I have to go rescue my friend…
Ethan: Some-how I feel like we just made things worse. You know what Will? *censored*-it. Better to die together than die alone…
Will: The saying is it's better to ‘live’ together…
Ethan: I stand uncorrected…
Panel 2. Phase calls blue skinned man.
Phase: Tighten security. Potential threat coming your way…
Blue skinned man: I’ll handle it.

*Tried to fit it at the top, but I've hit character limit there.

Offline KeanFox

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Re: Deifics
« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2018, 11:39:06 PM »
I read through it. I think I know whats going in the story. Like you said, script format is not enjoyable to read when there is a lot of it. I noticed that there is a lot of "Close up of" and  "Focus on" Thats can be mind-numbing.
Not sure if you getting burnt out or it just script format supposed to be like that.

Offline TEA

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Re: Deifics
« Reply #6 on: May 17, 2018, 08:19:55 AM »
I agree with all of Lego's points. I have some further things to add.

The fact that it's written in script form is actually a good thing! Translating a usual story narrative is extra work but if the writer can break it down panel by panel, page by page, that puts you ahead of the curb if writing manga is what you want to do. So huge props for that.

I agree with Kean that it sounds like My Hero Academia a lot, is that where you got the inspiration from? Either way, I think the sudden development of powers is a common thing I've seen in a lot of people's stories. Since MHA is quite popular at the moment I would reckon it would get compared to that.

On to the writing, I like your concept. It was clear and open enough to imagine the possibilities which is really good. Most people write a huge novel as a synopsis but yours was straight to the point which is a huge plus.

The writing itself though, it seems to be written more like a seinen than a shounen. Like something that would appear in Young Jump rather than Shounen Jump. That's not exactly a bad thing, personally I think a blend of seinen/shounen works better than straight Shounen anyway. Especially for a western audience which would be your primary reading audience.

At first I was a bit worried you would make the MC unlikeable and edgy but it seems by saving that guy he seems to be a good person. He had some off comments but nothing unworkable. Gungirl seems great, I think with a good character design this work really well. I would honestly drop the school setting as soon as possible to be honest and have some organisation of the setting pick him up. Perhaps have the MC find out what his powers actually by the end of the first chapter (i.e - MC awakens abilities - saves gun girl from her target - picked up by organisation out of school for being an interesting case - etc). It's a bit tropey but tropes exist for a reason, and I think powerless heroes in a powerful world is getting boring imo. Having a main character with cool powers but who also has to use his brain creatively in order to utilise them would be your best bet.

All in all, a pretty good attempt. With some reworking it could be a good first pitch. As I think you've said already, you should focus on the world building aspect before delving more into this. I think if everybody developed powers in 1992 suddenly the world would be in utter chaos for ages. You could say something like "the world was in chaos until a group of powerful heroes banded together and ushered in order back into daily life" or something like that. Either that, or you could go a bit more post-apocalyptic (which would be interesting) but that would change the nature of pretty much everything in the story.

Solid work though, good luck with it.

Offline Rushded

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Re: Deifics
« Reply #7 on: May 17, 2018, 09:52:07 PM »
Hi KeanFox. Really appreciate you taking the time to grind through it. I do agree with you. I have way too many "Close up of" and "Focus on". I was thinking that this could be up to the artist to illustrate “intense glare”
 or “worry” depending on how they think it should go, but really I’ve just been too lazy. >< I’ll fix it up soon.


Thanks for your input TEA. :D
I had the idea before MHK, but never got around to putting it all on paper.
I’ll summarise where I’m planning to head with it. I don’t want you all grinding through script that’s not enjoyable.  I've been a bit umming and arrrring about when to reveal his power, because it does have impact to the story. I've put my summary of the next few books below. I will have flashbacks to the chaos in book 4 but I wont inlcude int the summary. Let me know what you think. If its interesting enough and worthwhile pursuing, I'll look into hiring an artist, otherwise I have some ideas for other stories I can start on.
Mind if I ask what off comments might need changing for Will?

Book 1 Summary
Spoiler
Almost everyone in the world has developed a super power except Will.
Will has a dream. He is 10 years old. Standing in the rain near a lake. There is a small dead body next to him.
He saves a friend from being bullied from school and later finds out that the bullies and his friends are the highest level supers and have been accepted into go to the best school in the world.
Will is targeted by an assassin group and forms an unlikely team to go after them.

Book 2 Summary.
 
Spoiler
Book 2 Summary.
The group bus into the assassing HQ. Confront the boss and discover that they are a special government force in charge with taking out potential threat.
They also discover that the “best school in the wolrd” is actually a prison for supers deemed too powerful to control. They set off to rescue their friend.

Book 3 Summary.
Spoiler
Upon closing in on the prison, their powers weaken the close they get. They discover someone who is nullifying the powers. Upon meeting him, he discovers that someone used a power on Will to block memories.
He unblocks the memory before Sampson is able to intervene and knock him out.
Will remembers walking with his mother in the rain. His mum has the power to change reality in a short space around her. So inside this bubble is sunshine and rainbows and outside there is chaos in the streets. Some dangerous people get too close to the mum and she leaves wills side for a second. Will falls into a nearby lake and struggles to swim.
The mum realises too late and pulls back Will onto the shore. Time slows for Will and then begins reversing until a few minutes before. He sees his body and his mum. Everything turns white. He is in a room with billions of faces. He’s scared and calls out for his mom…
He sees her face among the many and touches it. The face screams and now Will is back in the real world. Its raining. He is near the lake. He stands naked next to a body. The body is his size but his mums face has stretched/squashed to fit into it. Will starts screaming.
He wakes from his memory. His mind has been shattered.
As a result of the nullifying Super being knocked out, all Supers break free.

Book 4 Summary.
Spoiler
As a result of what they did, the world is now in chaos again. Sampson finds out that the frost teacher that he likes has been captured by the “new order”. They try to rescue her and the others with her. They bring Will despite him being now just a shell of a human.
Sampson sees 1000 outcomes of him losing right before he dies. He turns to Will and says “Vivamus Hodi. Cras carpe” . Will watches as everyone is killed in front of him, then he notices he too has taken a fatal blow.
He finds himself back in that place. He does not want too choose anyone. He discovers his Dads face in that place and wonders why his dad never visited him. Years pass. In this place, he does not need to eat, drink, breathe or rest. Perhaps another 50-100 years pass, Will has an epiphany. He chooses a face and comes back a moment before everyone dies.
He has everyone abandon the rescue mission. They form up with the survivors hiding underground and together are able to overthrow them. However, Will, for some reason, does not want them dead.

Book 5 Summary.
Spoiler
2000 years ago. A disfigured child is born. She has a hard time fitting in with everyone, including her dad, treating her like a disgusting monster. Her mum does the best that she can to protect her, but the world is cruel and the mum is not always around.
One day, she meets the first boy that is kind to her. They talk to each other from behind a door. The girl making sure never to show her face. The two become friends and eventually the boy convinces her to meet. Surprisingly he is fine with her appearance. He draws her a small picture of them and tells her that its more than just how we look, it’s a memory frozen in time and in this memory, I’m happy. I hope you are too. He gives her the picture and a tiny locket to fit in.
One day the girl hears whispers in her head telling her to go up the mountain. The boy comes with her and they discover some of the missing townspeople. A creature with a goats head, humanoid torso, bulls legs and a lizards tail has been experimenting on them.
The creature captures them and does horrify experiments. The experiments bring the boy on the brink of death but with the girl it unlocks her power. She is now cured of elephantiasis and can be recognised as Elsie. The boys last words to her are that she is beautiful, but that she was always was.
Elsie breaks free and is able to stop the creature, she thinks…
A volcano erupts engulfing the island in lava. Elsie eventually breaks free of her molten ash prison. Still hearing the whispers, she looks for a way to stop the creature. Years pass. Elsie is getting better at her power. She is able to morph her body at will. While working undercover in the assassins building, she discover a potential super that can stop the creature. She burns the building to the ground before departing.
First day of school.
Elsie clutches her locket while approaching the school…
« Last Edit: May 17, 2018, 09:57:04 PM by Rushded »

Offline TEA

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Re: Deifics
« Reply #8 on: May 18, 2018, 03:07:33 AM »
Just stuff like "I will make them burn." Will comes across as very passive/weak but you have a scene where you have him hitting a bully? His character just doesn't seem concrete really. Having a strong main character is important so I think you need to nail his characterization. I would go about reworking the first chapter and the subsequent chapters after everybody has had a read if you're passionate about it.

Offline Rushded

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Re: Deifics
« Reply #9 on: May 18, 2018, 05:55:47 AM »
 I am passionate about it and do want to give my best shot. I'm a bit worried about my writing skills and character development are not so great. I did rework the 1st book a bit a few days ago.
Will should be a bitter teen. He's angry at this new world because he suspects the supers with the big egos were somehow responsible for his parents disappearance. But, I also don't want to make him stupid. He knows there are some out there that could kill him with a *snap of their fingers.
The scene where he punches the bully. I added that he leaves a paper trail for teachers to come and rescue him.

I'm not sure if you'd be willing to or not, but I'm keen for any suggestions on fixing Will. I can give you a google docs link or just continue discussing it here. Checked out your tumblr page btw. I like your 2  posts on April 2nd. Keep it up!  :D

Offline TEA

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Re: Deifics
« Reply #10 on: May 18, 2018, 07:29:22 AM »
Well it's your story and your character so I'll leave it to you. I can only really give advice from my perspective, others may differ. It's okay to have a bitter character but I wouldn't make that his characterization. I would keep the bitterness subtle as it's quite a negative trait. I would instead emphasize your character's positive traits, whatever it is you want to make them. I.e, you can have your character acknowledge that he is bitter about his circumstances but you want to showcase that he won't give up. That is, if you want it to be more shounen anyway. If you're going more Seinen then disregard, instead emphasize the bitterness even more.

It's better to have nuanced and complex characters but that will come in time with character development. You want a strong show of who your protagonist is at the beginning.

It's okay though, you're doing better than most people imo. At least it's in script format and not too melodramatic. And thanks for the compliment, those aren't my best but I'm growing all the time so hopefully one day I'll be able to churn out professional work!

Offline Rushded

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Re: Deifics
« Reply #11 on: May 25, 2018, 08:08:10 PM »
>>TEA
It gets a bit dark. I will be gong the Seinen route. I don't want him too bitter though. Not sure what to do with him. I'll keep writing. Let me know if hes too bitter/not bitter enough for the story as it progresses.

Started writing up book 3. Tried to keep the 'close up' and 'focus on' to a minimum. Haven't fixed the old books yet. Hope this style reads a bit better.
Deifics Book 3 (WIP)
Spoiler
PAGE ONE
Panel 1. Alarm clock buzzes
Caption: 22 years ago… Peter gets ready for another day.
Panel 2. Takes shower
Panel 3. Gets dressed.
Panel 4. Walks to work.  It’s snowing lightly outside.
Panel 5. Walks past a group of beggars. A skinny one asks for help.
Panel 6. Peter continues walking.
PAGE TWO
Panel 1. Peter approaches his work cubicle.
Panel 2. A man 10 years his senior approaches his desk.
Thomas: Morning Peter, can I get you anything?
Peter: Yes thanks. A coffee, black. 2 sugars, 1 milk.
Panel 3. Peter begins typing in something on his computer.
Panel 4. Thomas brings back the coffee.
Thomas: What’s that you’re working on… Looks interesting.
Peter: I think I may have something here that could save the company hundreds of thousands
Panel 5. Peter sips coffee.
Thomas: Oh yeah. I think I remember you mentioning that. You’re pitching it to the board today aren’t you?
Panel 6. Peter looks surprised.
Peter: Yes, that’s right. How did you know that?
Thomas: A good secretary will know these things…
PAGE THREE
Panel 1. Peters vision begins to blur.
Panel 2. Peter passes out on his keyboard.
Thomas: …but I’m far too good to be working for someone like you.
Panel 3. Peter begins to wake from his slumber. Drool pouring out of his moth onto the keyboard.
Panel 4. It’s night time and everyone has left.
Panel 5. There is a new file on his desktop. Readme.txt.
PAGE FOUR
Panel 1. Peter opens the document.
Caption: Peter, If your reading this, it was a great success. I attended the board meeting, pitched that idea and got that promotion you’ve been after for so long. You can congratulate me later.
Panel 2. Peter rage begins to show as he continues to read.
Caption: If you try to contest my new role, I’ll leak photos of the night you cheated on your wife.
Peter: (mumbling) You son of a bitch, I’m going to take you down.
Panel 3. Peters anger turns o anguish.
Caption: I’ll have you fired and if that’s not enough…I know about your son. You’re at work and your wife is not stable. I could have your son taken away by child services in just a quick phone-call…
PAGE FIVE
Panel 1. Peter gets ready for another day.
Caption: 2 years later.
Panel 2. Takes shower
Panel 3. Gets dressed.
Panel 4. Walks to work.  It’s snowing lightly outside.
Panel 5. Walks past a group of beggars. A skinny beggar looks at him, but does not beg this time. He knows him too well now.
Panel 6. Makes a coffee
PAGE SIX
Panel 1. Peter hands Thomas a coffee.
Peter: Here you are sir…
Panel 2. Thomas spits out coffee.
Panel 3. Thomas looks menacingly at Peter.
Thomas: This coffee is *censored*. Do a better job.
Peter: Yes sir.
Panel 4. Thomas gives a sly smirk.
Thomas: I made your wife leave you. Had you demoted. Do you know why?
Peter: To punish my disobedience sir…
Panel 5. Thomas gives a wide toothed smile.
Thomas: I was always a dog serving beneath you, but I was always the Alpha. Alphas are always on top and this old dog was hungry. You know what Peter. Your fired. I don’t need you anymore.
PAGE SEVEN
Panel 1. Peter pleads with Thomas for his job.
Peter. Please sir. I have a mortgage and alimony to pay.. I-
Thomas: Why should I let you stay in my house? Pack your things and get out.
Panel 2. Peter is walking back in the light snow with a box full of things.
Panel 3. A crowd of people watch television sets of the first super appears. Peter seems oblivious to all of it.
Tv noises: …police have surrounded…like a god walks among us  … *bang *bang .*screams.
PAGE EIGHT
Panel 1. He walks past the homeless and stops at the skinny one.
Panel 2. He gives the skinny one $20.
Peter: You know, I always told myself that anything I give, you’ll just spend it on booze, but you know, I can’t fault you for that. I could see myself doing the same thing in your shoes
Skinny Beggar: Bless you sir.
Panel 3. Peter goes home.
Panel 4. Orders pizza
Panel 5. Switches on the tv
Tv shows police sirens and military trucks.
PAGE NINE
Panel 1. Pizza boxes and mess now stack up to shoulder height.
Panel 2. Checks fridge to find it empty.
Peter: *sigh. I guess it’s time to go shopping
Panel 3. Outside the streets are quitter. Soldiers patrol the area.
Panel 4. Peter walks past the beggars. They are still in their usual spot. They now all have warm blue blankets.
Skinny beggar: Thanks again for your kindness. Stay safe out there…
Panel 5. Peter arrives at the supermarket.
Panels 6. The shelves fairly empty.
PAGE TEN
Panel 1. Figuring something is up. Peter takes what he cans and gets a full trolley load.
Panel 2. Peter walks back while pushing the trolley. There is smoke in the distance that police and army trucks are heading towards.
Panel 3. There is some screaming nearby.
Panel 4. Peter finds a bunch of teens surrounding the beggars.
Panel 5. Without thinking, Peter shouted at the teens.
Peter: HEY! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!
PAGE ELEVEN
Panel 1. A teen looks toward Peter and smirks, Some blankets have been stained red with blood.
Teen 1: Relax man. Were just trying out gods new gift to us.
Teen 2: Besides, no-ones gonna miss a bunch of low-lifes.
Teen 3. Ooh, theres one left. Let me try my one!
Panel 2. Peter froze up after seeing their powers and the people murdered in front of him so easily. The teens walk past him casually.
Teen 3: Oh man! Did you see. My power made that dudes head just pop like confetti.
Teen 1: haha. Yeah man. We are going to have a lot of fun with these!
Panel 3. There is a muffled whimper coming from behind a large metal trash bin.
PAGE TWELVE
Panel 1. He finds the skinny beggar there.
Skinny beggar: I saw them *whimper.. 1000 times…10000 times. Over and over I watched them die. I couldn’t… do anything….
Panel 2. Peter puts a blue blanket on the beggar.
Peter: Let’s go to the police
Beggar: No…They.. they do nothing…I-I’m just gonna go.
Panel 3. Beggar pulls out red bicycle.
Peter: At least come back to my place. I’ll cook us up some food, try and get some bedding. I don’t think it’s good to be on the streets right now.
Beggar: A-alright. Let me just get my bicycle. *sob
Panel 4. The two make their way back. Peter pushing the Trolley. The beggar pushing the bicycle.
Peter: My names Peter by the way.
Sampson: …Sampson
PAGE THIRTEEN
Panel 1. A muscular Sampson is punching a bag\training. Peter is drinking wine while watching news of chaos unfolding in the streets.
Caption: A Few months pass.
Peter: Sampson. Why do you push yourself so hard.
Sampson: I couldn’t save them *hnn… because my body was too weak *grunt. I never want to be that way again.
Panel 2. Sampson dries his head sweat with a towel. Tv shows images of military fighting people with powers.
Sampson: Someone needs to put a stop to this madness. Form a group that can handle it.
Peter: Yeeesss….A super duper *censored*ing group.
Panel 3. Peters eyes light up. There is a tint of yellow.
Peter: A like-minded group that can weed out corruption and remove the cancers of society.
Panel 4. Peter starts tapping on a laptop.
Sampson: What are you doing?
Peter: Posting online. I’m going form a super group. I’ll make sure you’ll never have to encounter a group like those thugs ever again.
PAGE FOURTEEN
Panel 1. Peter is out in the streets with a group behind him. The city is burning around him. Gunshots can be heard in the distance. Some buildings have collapsed.
Caption: 5 years later…
Panel 2. Scene of them fighting a group of thugs
Panel 3. Sirens of the police coming from the distance.
Super-member 1: Quick hide!
Super Member 2. We can take em!
Peter: That’s not what we came here to do. Wait till they pass…
Panel 4. Police car flashes past.
PAGE FIFTEEN
Panel 1. They continue to walk through the streets.
Panel 2. The come to an expensive looking house. There is some commotion outside the place.
Peter: That’s them.
Panel 3. As they close in on the house they spot the same group of thugs that killed the beggars. They are now harassing a young girl outside her place.
Thug 1: Tell your folks to come out and bring whatever they keep in the safe!
Peter: Let her go!
PAGE SIXTEEN
Panel 1. Peters group quickly overwhelm and overpower the thugs
Panel 2. The group bind the thugs and the girl picks herself up off the ground.
Girl: Th-thanks so much.
Peter: No problem maam. Would it be ok to meet the rest of your family for a quick word?
Girl: Yeah.. sure.
Panel 3: GUYS, ITS OK. COME OUT! …THESE GUYS SAVED ME!
Panel 4. The rest of the family come outside.
Peter: *whispers. Lock their doors.
Panel 5. A super uses their power to lock the familys door.
Mother: What’s going on?
PAGE SEVENTEEN
Panel 1. Peter kills the thugs in front of them.
Panel 2. The family cower.
Old man: What do you want?
Panel 3: Peter grins. His eye colour has turned completely yellow
Peter: Hello Thomas…
PAGE EIGHTEEN
Panel 1. A bloodied knife spins and dances around Peters finger tips.
Panel 2. Peter smiles wickedly. The group of people can be seen cowering In the foreground.
Thomas: Please, let us be. We’ll give you whatever you want!
Peter: Sorry, but this old dog is hungry…
Panel 3. Peter twists his hand to send the spinning dagger flying.
Panel 4. Panel 1. Peter and his gang watch as the dagger spins back with a severed heart. The cowering people in the background are horrified. Thomas lies in shock on the floor oozing blood.
Peter: To let you live is like living with rats. You serve no benefit to this world. You just eat, *censored* and spread your filth. WHY would I WANT you to live IN MY HOUSE!??
PAGE NINETEEN
Panel 1. Peter looks at the remaining people cowering together.
Peter: Kill these vermin.
Panel 2. Peters begins to look behind him.
Peter: Guys?
Panel 3. Peter turns around. Zoom out to show all his henchmen are dead. Crowd of shadowy figures have gathered around him.  He recognises Sampson amongst them.
Peter: You….Yo-Your’e just like me. Why protect these rats!?
PAGE TWENTY
Panel 1. A blade scewers Peter.
SFX: Schloooook
Panel 2. Peter collapses to the floor.
Panel 3. The teen girl with tears in her eyes starts kicking Peter while he’s down.
Girl: You son of a bitch… bastard…. Jack-
Panel 4. Sampson hugs the girl. Girl blushes. Her eye colour changes to a frosty blue
Girl: *mumbles, piece of crap….
PAGE TWENTY ONE
Panel 1. Peter lies in the snow unsure of how much time has passed or how much time he has left. The yellows of his eyes begin to dim. The snow stains red around his torso. There is a faint sound of air collapsing nearby in a small space.
Panel 2. A 8 year old Trenton Bale runs up to Peter.
Trenton: Poppa! Oh my god! Poppa! What happened? Wake up!?