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Author Topic: The Dome  (Read 198 times)

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Offline YoUr EyEs

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The Dome
« on: May 02, 2018, 01:05:49 PM »
Synopsis: The known world to Mankind has fallen, continents turns into a single world engulfed by hunger, crime rates increases and lifespans reduced. This is the story of Phelia, a 12 years old child that lost her family, murdered by a man that soon after took his own life and the hope sleeping deep within the young girl of vengence.
As she walk through a endless desert, she crosses road with an adventurer named Hara, having her life saved by this strange woman, Phelia give her life to Hara.


Genre: Adventure, Action, Psychological, Sci-Fi

Chapter 1:
Spoiler
Chapter 1: Desert of Life

In the midst of one of the various desert around the world, a young girl barely walking with the weight of the sun on her back, her face was drenched with sweat and her brown eyes partly closed, she could only see the endless sand scenery up ahead.
The year was 2102, this desert was previously known as New York, this name was long forgotten and this was a place that anyone would want to avoid.
The girl had the chance to get access to an education of the previous civilisation and she could hardly believed that, this "hellish" place, once attracted thousands of people. The young girl, Phelia was her name, gazed at the sky, she couldn't help but wondered, "how does rain looked like?"
The girl finally stumbled and fell unconscious on the sand, her final thoughts went to her late family.

{…}
Cold...
Phelia woke up to the cold night the desert. Suprised to be still alive, the young woman sat down and was face to face with a horse.

"-Woah! W-What is this?!"

The light brown animal seemed amused by this reaction but, with the sound of a whistling, the horse went a little bit away from the girl.
Phelia looked around, she was unable to find the owner of the animal, her eyes weren't perfectly  accustomed to the night, without any warning, she felt an hand touching her blonde long hair and she quickly turned around, noticing that the owner was probably behind her.

"- Who are you?" Asked Phelia, still unable to see clearly, she pushed the hand away.

"- You should sleep, tomorrow will be worst than today in terms of temperature." The responding voice sounded like it belong to a woman, it felt kind too.

Phelia was slowly starting to see clearly - A woman, probably in her 30s, her piercing blue eyes were underlined by a black heavy make-up.

"- My name is Hara. I am just an adventurer that happened to be passing by. Anyway, how old are you to be travelling alone in the desert, kid?"

"- Twelve. Why I travel is none of your buisness."

"..."

"- I suppose that you are right."

Phelia felt the blue eyes of Hara piercing through her soul, like an eagle seeking it's prey. The girl felt uncomfortable, unable to keep her attention of her savior, she looked at the horse that went to sleep a moment ago.

"- Starting tomorrow, you will be by yourself again, what happens to you after tonight won't have anything to do with me. How do you plan on getting to the nearest city, I could care less..."

Phelia's eyes were once again drown into Hara's eyes. At these words, the girl couldn't help but reach for the woman's hand.

"- I have nowhere to go. My family was murdered so, would you take me with you?"

Hara smiled. It wasn't a warm smile or a kind smile but, one that made her resembled a demon.

"- As of tonight, your life is mine. You will die when I decide for you to die." The woman's eyes closed and she seemed to have fallen asleep.

Phelia was unable to comprehend the reason she suddenly told Hara all that but, she was certain that it was her own wish.
The girl had been wandering from city to city only to find the murder of her family but, she learned that the one responsible for her unhappiness had taken his own life. Leaving Phelia with no more reason to keep on living but, in this desert, where she was prepared to die, she had given her life to someone else.

-Chapter 1: END-


Chapter 2:
Spoiler
Chapter 2: Road to one's resolve

The stumbling of a carriage attached to the running horses had woken up Phelia, at first, she wondered about the reason that she was being transported but, before long she was able to remember about her talk with the person sitting next to her.

"- Where are we heading to, Hara?" Phelia asked to the woman that was focusing on steering the horse transporting their carriage.

"- Finally awake? I was wondering if you planned on sleeping all day long. It's already Four-in-the-afternoon." Hara replied without turning her attention away from her task.

"- Did I sleep that long? I guess that I might have been tired. Where are we going?" The young girl looked around her and she was able to discern that they were still in the desert.

"- We are heading to Naïa, I have refill on food supplies, water and weapon." Hara took out a cigarette from her coat and adjusted her cowboy hat.

Phelia felt uncomfortable in the mention of "weapon", it clearly meant that the woman that saved her life was, clearly used to killing people but, to what extent, the girl couldn't know.

"- Naïa used to be Montreal."

"- Indeed but, it's not anymore." Hara's eyes were closed, she seemed to be sadened or at least, Phelia thought she was.

The girl decided that it would be better to not say anything more about the Ancient Civilisations, to her late mother's wish, Phelia should restrain herself from revealing details about that Era that only her family knew of.
It's true that it was possible to learn about those civilisations through education but, things about their downfall wasn't known in the modern days. "The Human-kind era wasn't wiped out by Humans", Phelia's mother kept repeating to her childs.

"- We will have a little fray before we head to Naïa. I will need you to take this, kid." The voice of Hara made Phelia blench, she was lost in her thoughts but, she was sure that she heard it clearly, they were going to fight.

Hara was handing a short sword to the young girl, with a smile, the woman started humming. Phelia took the weapon, although she never had used such a thing, she felt possessed by the piercing glare of the woman next to her.

"- Are we going to kill people?" The girl couldn't help but ask a question that she already knew the answer of.

"- We are."

"- Why are we killing other people? I don't want to kill at random, I am not an animal!" Phelia was against it, her family was murdered and she didn't want to do the same thing that she had to endured to someone else.

A small town could be seen, noises could be heard coming from it and the two adventurers were about to reach it in an hour or so. Phelia started to wondered if it was a good choice to follow a woman she didn't even know. The girl realized that she could probably run away and live in this town.

"- I could always feed you to Wesley, my horse. You gave me your life to me and it appears that I always try to keep what is mine, even if it get taken away, I will take it back." Hara said with an emotionless tone, her pale blonde hair flying through the wind, rain was approaching.

Phelia felt terrified at the Hara's word but, she suddently felt that she needed to run away from that person.

The girl had her mind set.

~Chapter 2: END~

« Last Edit: May 10, 2018, 12:02:50 PM by YoUr EyEs »

Offline KeanFox

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Re: The Dome
« Reply #1 on: May 02, 2018, 02:15:27 PM »
Sound nice, easy for me to read and follow what's going on. I might keep reading to see whats up with Hara's tonal shift at and.
You have a tiny typo at the end. (from city to city "ony" to find)

Offline YoUr EyEs

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Re: The Dome
« Reply #2 on: May 02, 2018, 03:04:02 PM »
Sound nice, easy for me to read and follow what's going on. I might keep reading to see whats up with Hara's tonal shift at and.
You have a tiny typo at the end. (from city to city "ony" to find)

Thanks, I really appreciate it! I also corrected that mistake lol

Offline YoUr EyEs

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Re: The Dome
« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2018, 12:04:34 PM »
I added chapter 2 to the op

Offline Fronomenal

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Re: The Dome
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2018, 03:19:42 PM »
For the most part the story is okay. My only problem is with the characters and how random they kinda feel at times. Hara especially. One minute she's seems somewhat caring, next minute she's cold and heartless. Also her dialogue feels kinda weird and confusing. Like this one:
Quote
"- As of tonight, your life is mine. You will die when I decide for you to die." The woman's eyes closed and she seemed to have fallen asleep.

That felt really random to say. It makes feel as though she's some maniacal puppeteer or something like that. Hopefully, more light will be shed on her character and why she acts the way she does in later chapters.

Also, it would be nice if you tossed in some explanation on how exactly the world in your story came to be the way it is. You don't have to spoon-feed us with paragraphs of info dumps, either. You can weave it into dialogue exchanges between characters, if you like. That's one way I like to reveal information, personally.

Overall, not a bad start. Keep writing! I'll be looking forward to future installments! 

Offline legomaestro

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Re: The Dome
« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2018, 06:06:33 AM »
Damn that woman's help comes at quite the price. Reminds me of Master from Kino no Tabi, although to be fair the both of them are nihlistic and apathetic in so many ways it's almost hilarious. It's a good light novel series if you ever get around to it, I'd recommend reading them.

Yesssss Dystopia. And ah, how does the woman know the time? Does she have a working watch? I'm always interested in knowing little stuff like that in Dystopia: How do you tell the time? How do you find your way? How do you even find water that isn't horribly polluted in some way?

Keep writing