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Author Topic: Zorestis  (Read 169 times)

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Offline Soresza

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Zorestis
« on: April 24, 2018, 12:38:13 AM »
Brief Synopsis

A plague annihilated almost all of humanity. The plague didn't just kill, it created monsters. Humanity of today although struggled managed to survive with the little they had left. The world had come to an end. But this didn't stop them, the gods saw how they struggled but they were helpless as well, A goddess had an idea which required all of the gods and goddess to bless some humans. A hundred years later it wasn't uncommon for people to have unique abilities. The story follows a boy named Zeke Larestria and his fight.

  ]
(I imagine them to be in a field similar to this)

Epilogue
There is no end to the things in the heart.

"Someone once told me that if you really took something to heart, really brought it inside those velvet folds, then it would always be there for you no matter what happened, it would be there waiting."

(Past)

Blue is all I saw. It was everywhere. But speckles of white were within the blue. I felt as though I was looking at a endless pit of blue and white. I could keep looking up forever. "It's called a sky" a flurry of yellow surrounded me letting me know my mother was the one who whispered that in my ear. "Well it's beautiful just like you mommy." She smiled at me as she stood back up and I let the yellow run through my fingers. "Mommy has such long hair, I love it." She picked me up and swung me around and we giggled together. She rubbed her nose against my face and she smiled at me. "Mommy am I special to you?" She gave me a funny look. "Zeke, I love you very much, you are my only son." "Good cause I want to be mommy's favorite forever and ever." She just started laughing. I love seeing mommy be so happy. Mommy's been so sad lately and I just want to do anything to make her smile. "Zeke.." "Yes mommy?" "Please don't be mad at mommy for doing this to you, please understand I love you and i'll come back someday." "What do you mean, please don't leave me.." i started crying that didn't sound good. "I'll be a good boy please, what did I do, I'll be strong for mommy, soo please don't go."

"Zan ex trio mar valotus."

"I will always love you my child." That't the last thing I heard mommy say. "Mommy I don't want you to go..."  My eyes finally closed and I welcomed the darkness that waited for me.

(Character switch)

Tears rolled down my cheeks and spilled on to my son as I cradled him in my arms.. He's to young to understand anything... A voice surrounded us making me glance around. "So the sky has blessed him." Finding the source of the voice she appeared. "Athena.. welcome." "May I?" Assuming she wanted to hold him I past her Zeke. "I bless you my child with beauty and my wisdom." My mouth opened in shock I never expected Athena to give a blessing or show kindness at all especially to what type of child he is. It was very rare. "Ares came as well." "As well as I." Hephaestus said startling me. I gave him a hug. "Although this is a sad moment, why are you here." "To return a favor from the past." He gave a warm smile but looking at Zeke his face turned sour. "Why the face?" Ares joked. Scowling Hephaestus glared at Ares. "What a handsome man he will become. As long as you bless him with something other than your temper," he said snickering. "Well hopefully Athena's beauty spell will work because he may catch your ugliness." "Alright enough." I scowled at the two childish gods. Everyone knew they picked on each other the most ever since Ares broke Hephaestus's prized possession. The sword of blah blah blah.  " I gave him creativity and innovation." "Well I gave him tactical, strategic and leadership skills." Ares boasted. "Can we start already." Athena gave them a pointed look. "Now that's enough boys, it's time."

We all huddled together and started are enchantment for Zeke.

"Zech nef ret tilas siwa nama."
"Zech nef ref tilas siwan nama."
"Zech Nef Ref Tilas Siwa Nama."

Zeke shimmered and a soft glow surrounded him. He started shrinking and morphing. My 5 year old son changed  into a little baby. As I ran my fingers through his hair it blew away in the wind. "Send him away now."

"Bang" The sky shook and the god of the sky appeared before us. Giving a sad smile he whisked him away.

I turned around and a sword was embedded into my heart. "I'm sorry Artemis, I'll give you atonement, a painless death." "I am immortal, why would you do this?" So many thoughts went through my head. "You had a son Artemis, you were supposed to be a virgin goddess." The other two were know where to be seen.

"This sword is meant to kill gods your soul will scatter across the world. So don't worry." "Your son is safe by the way." There was nothing I can do the order was out anyway. I'm happy my baby is safe. "You know your son will be the most powerful god in the world. Poseidon is the father, but you made a wise but foolish choice." "Rest in peace Artemis and don't worry." "I will I trust you." She gave me a rare smile. "Thank you sister."

Artemis story ended here. Her soul scattered through the wind and she was able to give few people blessings before dissappearing into the unknown.

Poseidon didn't know about Artemis disappearance and couldn't find his son. But unbeknownst to him his son was in a different realm.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aMOurgDB-o

"Hephaestus, are you here?" Darkness seemed to envelope me in a never ending fortress of mystic as I stepped inside. My breathing slowed as I tried to take in more of the stale, humid air.The further I walked in the more I bumped into spires of rock that stood erect upon the floor.

The further I went a soft glow appeared and I can tell it was from one of the fires that hephaestus made. It helped light my way. "Hephaestus?" I whispered. Frightened to speak any louder if bats flew out. "I'm over here." I looked over and Hephaestus was standing by the fire. He stretched his hand out and I gave him the package "What is the child's name?" I asked Hephaestus.

 "Zeke Larestria the child who was blessed by the 3 gods."



Do you think you can picture where each scene is taking place?

This is my finished version of the epilogue.
« Last Edit: April 25, 2018, 10:09:05 AM by Soresza »

Offline EffulgentFirefly

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Re: Zorestis
« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2018, 09:38:18 PM »
The description of the sky isn't bad at all, and I definitely got the idea of where the scene was taking place, how it looked, etc, but the description didn't exactly match the tone at the beginning, in my opinion. It feels like it should be peaceful, beautiful, smooth... There are just a couple words that could perhaps be replaced to give it that feeling. 'Chunks' is probably the one that felt a little out of place to me-if you're intending to give a smooth, peaceful kind of feeling, you could use something more soft-sounding or something with less of a bulky feel to it like slivers or flakes or snippets, maybe, or perhaps even patches. It's not a big issue, but what words are used and how sentences are pieced together can really set up a tone, which can work to your advantage.

And for my usual disclaimer when it comes to reviewing. It's probably me being really nitpicky and annoying, haha, and as per usual, it's just my opinion, and it's your work. Don't take anything I say to heart, I suppose, and you, as the author, of course know the story better than anyone else. If you want me to comment on anything specific, just ask. I never want to be overly harsh or nitpick with someone. :)
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Offline Soresza

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Re: Zorestis
« Reply #2 on: April 25, 2018, 10:13:53 AM »
So I edited it because I realized chunks was a rough word lol it started bothering me and some other parts.

Offline EffulgentFirefly

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Re: Zorestis
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2018, 07:20:42 PM »
I do think it looks better without the word. There are a couple other things I could comment on, but I don't want to seem pushy or be too harsh or something, so I'll refrain unless you ask. Good luck with the rest of your story!
I'm too shy to initiate... But I'm open to anyone else doing it. Just tell me if you need to say something :D