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Author Topic: Bleach MR: Memories Unto The Dawn  (Read 18325 times)

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Offline MahluaandMilk

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Re: Bleach MR: Memories Unto The Dawn
« Reply #30 on: March 04, 2019, 09:29:03 PM »
Dang, that got intense. Go Noisey for a super awesome power. And, I have to say, the meeting scene minus four captains was probably my favorite bit. I can't wait to see where this goes...after you find your update structure, if course.

Offline Coryn

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Re: Bleach MR: Memories Unto The Dawn
« Reply #31 on: March 06, 2019, 07:47:12 AM »
Thanks Mahlua! Getting Invasion out will help a lot towards getting back on track, although life has been too heavy the last few weeks to get that wrapped up. Making slow progress each day though.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline legomaestro

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Re: Bleach MR: Memories Unto The Dawn
« Reply #32 on: March 08, 2019, 04:54:16 AM »
1. The Espada knew the captains were there, and they were sending out an open invitation, loud and clear.
- Are we talking 'rainy reiatsu effect' here strong or just 'OK that's killing lust' strong.

2.   Vacant shook his head. “When you say it like that it makes you sound suspicious. Besides, don't be so optimistic.”
        Coryn shrugged. “And you shouldn't be a pessimist.”

- Never quite clear on this. Is Coryn a pessimist or optimist

3. “No I-!” Protested Noisey, but Lego was long gone.
- Mwahahaha! Eat dust! I'll be the first to cut an Espada down!

4. No lie Espada 36 excerpt had enough in it for a backstory, characterisation and still moved the plot forward. If I could nail a character in 215 words like this I'd be set for life.

5. Netra didn't feel any malice from the captain, but the longer she studied her, the more convinced she became that Corycaly was not to be trifled with.
- No lie I low key still fear Corycaly sama.

6.   Noisey stood atop a dune, and was met only with a vast expanse of bright desert. Cuboidal structures lay scattered in all directions, but there was no indication of where Noisey's companions had disappeared to. The captain turned around, so see if he had somehow managed to pass them in the darkness. When he did, he found that the cave, and the wall itself had disappeared. Noisey found nothing but quiet, empty sand.
- Maze shifting shenanigans. Love Las Noches. And also, Noisey in Hueco Mundo should be interesting. Looking forward to him shining in this story.

7.  “So then…” said the man. He raised his left hand, and displayed his palm. There, in black ink, Noisey could read the number ‘4’. “How do you feel about seeing an Espada for the first time Cap’?”
- I'm on the line between 'You're annoying!' and 'You're interesting!' Espada 4 already huh... This should be good.

8. Noisey breathed out a sigh of relief. “That's good. I'm glad I got the weakest one.”
        “The hell did you just say?!”
        “I said…” elaborated Noisey. “That I'm glad I got the weakest one of you. You still count your numbers from zero to nine correct? So I'm glad that you are the least powerful. I want to spend as little time fussing about with this as possible. Getting into a protracted fight with you will just slow me down. It just means…” Noisey placed his hand on the hilt of his sword. “That the sooner I kill you, the sooner I can get back to my duties.”

- Ballsy Noisey is ballsy. Also yes, this is the sort of ish-talking I read Bleach for. It's a formula at this point but it just works dammit. You've got the style down to a science.

9. Noisey said. “I invite you to try.”
- If Anakin said this the scene would've been 10.5 % Cooler (Ahem... For those who liked Ep III)

10. “Scream into the night, Shinchona Risuna!”
- Niiiiice 'pakutou name and release

11. “Allow me to show you, Parviz Aristizabal
- Say that 10 times faster Noisey

12. "...This sand isn’t very dense, so my attack lost a lot of its power. If you would be so kind to travel to one of these buildings, I would be able to kill you much more efficiently.”
- Jesus that's terrifying dialogue for a terrifying ability. Imagine if the landscape was crystalline or something.

13.    Contact was made.
   An explosion of blood painted the dull wall of the cuboidal building.
   The headless body of Parviz Aristizabal crumpled to the white sands.

- F

14.“It was a good fight, Espada Number 4. May you find peace in the next life.”-
- That was indeed a good fight. Damn! Noisey's weapon is a beast! Great dialogue too!


Offline Coryn

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Re: Bleach MR: Memories Unto The Dawn
« Reply #33 on: March 08, 2019, 08:44:54 AM »
Glad you liked it Lego! To go through your questions:

1. Killing lust strong, but with cutaways to shadowy figures who totally turn out to be espada later.

2. An optimist who makes people feel suspicious of him.

3. You would be.

4. Arrancar 36 came in on a whim to be honest. But I figure you got to do something with all the arrancar who don't make the cut.

5. That is the correct choice. But that doesn't mean she's malicious.

6. As the new character, he needs some time in the spotlight.

7. Ah, you've hit upon the exact personality I was going for with Parviz.

8. Kubo has really laid out all the ground work for me. I can only take so much credit here.

9. Uncontroversial opinion: Coryn is a better writer than George Lucas.

10. I'm particularly proud of the release call.

11. How many Espada names can you say accurately? It's part of the gig

12. I hope I haven't overpowered him, but hey, he is a captain.

13. Yup

14. Thanks again! I actually added that last line right before posting the chapter. I didn't realize it needed a better end until that moment.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline NO1SY

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Offline Coryn

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Re: Bleach MR: Memories Unto The Dawn
« Reply #35 on: October 11, 2020, 07:17:22 PM »
Dear god!  :ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy: I only know so much about DND, but that is a highly leveled character! I really like how you took the ideas I laid down and ran with them though! I'll admit I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about how his zanpakuto worked, but having it become a swirl of microscopic particles of steel makes a lot of sense and is a very Bleach thing to do! It's also extremely on point to have him be a monk.

I look forward to seeing how you (hopefully) adapt the other characters! You're giving me something to believe in while I continue hiding in a shell while I study for my PE!

(and of course, please let me know what you've thought of the stories so far!)

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline NO1SY

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Re: Bleach MR: Memories Unto The Dawn
« Reply #36 on: October 12, 2020, 08:53:26 AM »
Well... as you know... I am like, the BIGGEST fan of Bleach on MR, so of course I have opinions :biggrin:

I actually really enjoyed reading through your Bleach Fanfics. I read the Fanfics posted for the competition by both You and Vacant, and a few others, and I had a good time.

In particular, Vacant pulled off a Bleach Isekai and pretty much captured how I imagine that everyone would act in that circumstance :P

Your Fanfic was a fair bit more involved than the rest however. I’m imagining it being several hundred years on from the canonical Bleach timeline, and representations of MR Members have taken up the mantles of the Gotei 13 Captains. You even had backstory for previous events surrounding Lego as the Kenpachi, and some mysterious backstory surrounding Coryn’s Zanpakuto. Everything from the way that the Captains are, to their fighting styles and Bankai, was super cool, over-the-top in a good way and felt nostalgic like early Bleach. This continues into “Memories Unto The Dawn”, which of course I would like because you put me in there! I think the plot is really well thought out and quite compelling, can be as concise or as grand as you want it to be, and has given plenty of character development so far with space for plenty more. This is a Bleach story that I’d actually be excited to see finished! :sure:

As for the DnD Character sheet. Well. I thought “It’s the Gotei 13, so why not level 13 eh!?”. Turns out I like the feel of Captain level Bankai’s being roughly equivalent to a Fireball spell cast at 7th level so that just seemed to work out when I checked the average level characters would have to be to cast that! If a game were to be played I think I would run a story that takes place prior to everyone becoming Captains, somewhere in the Level 5 to 7 range, so that it is not too overwhelming for new players. It was just easier and cooler to make the 13th level characters based on the source material and then strip them back, compared to making them up as lower level character first and them trying to match them to the source.

You visually gave me the most to work with for Vacant and Lego, and I just added some creative liberties I guess... With the “sword particles” it’s a bit close to Byakuya Kuchiki‘s Bankai... but how it’s used is unique at least. The hardest thing to do at the moment is to work out the Kido to Spells matchups... There seems to be a lot of functional overlap in the Bakudo and Hado spells, and then the healing spells aren’t even named! So it’s a bit of a nightmare... luckily for me, there are lots of free numbers to use if I want to throw in a few choice DnD spells For actual variety. (Yes I spent far too long learning Bleach terminology from the Fandom Wiki...)

Good luck with your PE. I hope to have made good progress on this by the end of November, but I now have a report and 2 presentations due in throughout November myself...  :flagoftruce: so we will see...
« Last Edit: October 12, 2020, 11:05:58 AM by NO1SY »

Offline Coryn

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Re: Bleach MR: Memories Unto The Dawn
« Reply #37 on: October 12, 2020, 01:49:44 PM »
I'm glad you've enjoyed the stories so far! (Even the one you're not in  :tongue: ) You're right on the money with your supposition that I'm assuming we're just several hundred years in the future of the canonical Bleach timeline. It makes things easy to have a full background ready to go, and not have to try and explain that somehow all of the characters are different. If it's just the year 3000 or whatever, it all lines up (as long as I don't try messing with the world of the living, which doesn't matter too much for a lot of the best Bleach stories anyway in my humble opinion). But I will definitely finish Memories Unto the Dawn after War Arc wraps. I'm not letting this one die.

Haha, yeah level 13 would be a lot to throw someone in with. A younger, more level 5-ier version of our characters would definitely be easier to work with. Maybe at that point we're just dealing with newly acquired shikais? Seems about right on that trajectory.

Best of luck to you as well!

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline Vacant

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Re: Bleach MR: Memories Unto The Dawn
« Reply #38 on: October 13, 2020, 10:58:28 PM »
After reading dat character sheet


Offline NO1SY

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Re: Bleach MR: Memories Unto The Dawn
« Reply #39 on: October 14, 2020, 03:53:49 AM »
:biggrin:

Offline legomaestro

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Re: Bleach MR: Memories Unto The Dawn
« Reply #40 on: October 14, 2020, 05:10:49 AM »
Ohoho that's some legendary levels of dedication right there. Man this might actually be my second chance to play DnD when this finally comes to fruition. I'd love it

also that gif is legendary pfft

Offline NO1SY

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Re: Bleach MR: Memories Unto The Dawn
« Reply #41 on: October 14, 2020, 11:37:29 AM »
Well Lego, looks like you commented right on time!

Kaimetsu-tekina Mangekyo no Raiouoni!
Definitely not procrastinating....

This is also a case study in how straightforward Champion Subclass Fighters are...

Also some of the numbers might need a little tweaking...

:tongue:

« Last Edit: October 15, 2020, 05:27:16 AM by NO1SY »