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Author Topic: Bleach MR: Memories Unto The Dawn  (Read 8551 times)

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Offline MahluaandMilk

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Re: Bleach MR: Memories Unto The Dawn
« Reply #30 on: March 04, 2019, 09:29:03 PM »
Dang, that got intense. Go Noisey for a super awesome power. And, I have to say, the meeting scene minus four captains was probably my favorite bit. I can't wait to see where this goes...after you find your update structure, if course.

Offline Coryn

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Re: Bleach MR: Memories Unto The Dawn
« Reply #31 on: March 06, 2019, 07:47:12 AM »
Thanks Mahlua! Getting Invasion out will help a lot towards getting back on track, although life has been too heavy the last few weeks to get that wrapped up. Making slow progress each day though.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline legomaestro

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Re: Bleach MR: Memories Unto The Dawn
« Reply #32 on: March 08, 2019, 04:54:16 AM »
1. The Espada knew the captains were there, and they were sending out an open invitation, loud and clear.
- Are we talking 'rainy reiatsu effect' here strong or just 'OK that's killing lust' strong.

2.   Vacant shook his head. “When you say it like that it makes you sound suspicious. Besides, don't be so optimistic.”
        Coryn shrugged. “And you shouldn't be a pessimist.”

- Never quite clear on this. Is Coryn a pessimist or optimist

3. “No I-!” Protested Noisey, but Lego was long gone.
- Mwahahaha! Eat dust! I'll be the first to cut an Espada down!

4. No lie Espada 36 excerpt had enough in it for a backstory, characterisation and still moved the plot forward. If I could nail a character in 215 words like this I'd be set for life.

5. Netra didn't feel any malice from the captain, but the longer she studied her, the more convinced she became that Corycaly was not to be trifled with.
- No lie I low key still fear Corycaly sama.

6.   Noisey stood atop a dune, and was met only with a vast expanse of bright desert. Cuboidal structures lay scattered in all directions, but there was no indication of where Noisey's companions had disappeared to. The captain turned around, so see if he had somehow managed to pass them in the darkness. When he did, he found that the cave, and the wall itself had disappeared. Noisey found nothing but quiet, empty sand.
- Maze shifting shenanigans. Love Las Noches. And also, Noisey in Hueco Mundo should be interesting. Looking forward to him shining in this story.

7.  “So then…” said the man. He raised his left hand, and displayed his palm. There, in black ink, Noisey could read the number ‘4’. “How do you feel about seeing an Espada for the first time Cap’?”
- I'm on the line between 'You're annoying!' and 'You're interesting!' Espada 4 already huh... This should be good.

8. Noisey breathed out a sigh of relief. “That's good. I'm glad I got the weakest one.”
        “The hell did you just say?!”
        “I said…” elaborated Noisey. “That I'm glad I got the weakest one of you. You still count your numbers from zero to nine correct? So I'm glad that you are the least powerful. I want to spend as little time fussing about with this as possible. Getting into a protracted fight with you will just slow me down. It just means…” Noisey placed his hand on the hilt of his sword. “That the sooner I kill you, the sooner I can get back to my duties.”

- Ballsy Noisey is ballsy. Also yes, this is the sort of ish-talking I read Bleach for. It's a formula at this point but it just works dammit. You've got the style down to a science.

9. Noisey said. “I invite you to try.”
- If Anakin said this the scene would've been 10.5 % Cooler (Ahem... For those who liked Ep III)

10. “Scream into the night, Shinchona Risuna!”
- Niiiiice 'pakutou name and release

11. “Allow me to show you, Parviz Aristizabal
- Say that 10 times faster Noisey

12. "...This sand isn’t very dense, so my attack lost a lot of its power. If you would be so kind to travel to one of these buildings, I would be able to kill you much more efficiently.”
- Jesus that's terrifying dialogue for a terrifying ability. Imagine if the landscape was crystalline or something.

13.    Contact was made.
   An explosion of blood painted the dull wall of the cuboidal building.
   The headless body of Parviz Aristizabal crumpled to the white sands.

- F

14.“It was a good fight, Espada Number 4. May you find peace in the next life.”-
- That was indeed a good fight. Damn! Noisey's weapon is a beast! Great dialogue too!


Offline Coryn

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Re: Bleach MR: Memories Unto The Dawn
« Reply #33 on: March 08, 2019, 08:44:54 AM »
Glad you liked it Lego! To go through your questions:

1. Killing lust strong, but with cutaways to shadowy figures who totally turn out to be espada later.

2. An optimist who makes people feel suspicious of him.

3. You would be.

4. Arrancar 36 came in on a whim to be honest. But I figure you got to do something with all the arrancar who don't make the cut.

5. That is the correct choice. But that doesn't mean she's malicious.

6. As the new character, he needs some time in the spotlight.

7. Ah, you've hit upon the exact personality I was going for with Parviz.

8. Kubo has really laid out all the ground work for me. I can only take so much credit here.

9. Uncontroversial opinion: Coryn is a better writer than George Lucas.

10. I'm particularly proud of the release call.

11. How many Espada names can you say accurately? It's part of the gig

12. I hope I haven't overpowered him, but hey, he is a captain.

13. Yup

14. Thanks again! I actually added that last line right before posting the chapter. I didn't realize it needed a better end until that moment.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF