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Author Topic: Coryn's Saga Arc 3  (Read 10716 times)

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Offline legomaestro

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #120 on: April 14, 2018, 08:34:08 PM »
Review for Old Scars into Open Wounds

0. Why is the song so awesome? You know what, new rule: Thou shalt not post a story without an accompanying song. You've got goodish  taste in music in general but this song has definitely enhanced the experience for reading this chapter Coryn.

1. Between the four of them, Colt, Coryn, Jack, and October had led what could be described as

long and eventful lives. In all this time, they had each encountered, been a part of, or otherwise

witnessed many events that could be classified as ‘miracles’. The definition of what constituted a

miracle changed of course. Certain species would classify flying as a miracle, but such a

classification would make little sense to a people born with wings. Because of this, miracles

depend entirely upon the observer to determine whether they deserve the distinction. Despite this

limitation, it can be universally agreed upon that resurrection from the dead will classify as a

miracle in almost every case.

* Something missing between 'What consituted a miracle' sentence and 'certain species'. If you put a minor story of evolution that builds up and leads to the word 'species' the awe at flight would be more pronounced, especially if you threw an aloof example in the middle of the text e.g Rasputin or something or if you glided at least over the fact that October is not even human (anymore? I don't remember if she's an original vamp or not)

2. Some universes have special attributes which make resurrection less of hurdle of course.

But even in these rare places, bringing one’s self back from the dead is no Sunday drive.

- Good to know that there are still rules out there.

3. Now, the oncoming storm clouds

took on an ominous tone they had not possessed just a few minutes earlier.
- Better written with a forward flowing sense of time rather than revisionary e.g 'clouds rolled over the sky. They gradually took on an ominous tone. OR e.g the gray clouds that floated about gradually took on an ominous tone they had not possessed just a few minutes earlier.

4. Naomi’s arms snapped to her sides as Eva’s strings closed around her midsection. She

cocked her head back to see an arrow of yellow energy pointed squarely at her back. “Don’t

make a move.” Said Camarin. Whether Naomi would try to return to Shiro’s side or not, she

wasn’t going to be given the chance.

- Dun dun dun

  Coryn’s sword fell lightly at his side, and his piercing eyes bored straight into Shiro. It

was without doubt Shiro’s energy that he felt, but there was something wrong to it. He felt like it

was coming from far off, like his body had come ahead of his soul. The feeling was deeply

unnerving, but none of the Five were intending to let Shiro live long enough to find out what was

producing that notion.

- Why, just why do they still want to murder him. Seriously The Five are more lenient to eachother than Shiro. Like he freaked out ONE time. Are you telling me that any of the others have managed to be immortal without screwing over something badly?

6. Blades of ice and steel came at him from above and below, but a twist of the chain sent

his own blades on intercept courses.

- So Kubo Tite. Epic action stuff as always.

7. Coryn spun a kick into Shiro’s side

while he was occupied holding the blade back. The blonde would have to worry about how Shiro

had known what he was doing later.

- Funny, almost never seen Coryn never having the right words to say.

8. Shiro broke free of the ground, but the ice which had encased his lower leg remained, and forced his movements into and awkward cadence.

- For once in my life I read an anime story where the ice guy doesn't just make refridgerator ice that doesn't do anything really damaging or helpful. Jack is proving to be useful in cool ways, man.

9.  Call it petty revenge if you want, but I had

time to kill! You may have stopped my attempt to destroy the Kurousen, but the God War has

broken out, and you sure as hell can’t put a stop to that yourselves!” He let the blade fly loose.

- Man God Wars don't sound like anything fun or even reasonable... Things are hitting the fan I see.

10. “You make me so sad Coryn. You can’t see the bigger

picture of things.”

- Can you please first explain yh

11.  “You four are the first to bear witness to my prophesy. Before I am through, you will lay

dead upon these stones.”

- Just need to comment that the song really goes in at this point. (And several other points in the chapter but yeah here it happened to reach the crescendo and it was so damn cinematic you have no idea)

12.   It was on the tip of his tongue, but Coryn’s concentration was broken when Shiro noticed

his gaze. Suddenly the air was cut off from Coryn’s lungs. His windpipe collapsed inwards as a

great pressure was applied to it.

- One of the first times that I legit almost felt the pain that Coryn or other immortals felt. The whole passage including this sudden twist gave me a visceral taste of the actual pain and action involved in being an immortal fighter (other than Shiros death in CS 2). So if you know how you wrote this passage, repeat this sort of thing and spread this mojo because it definitely hits.

13. The traitor writhed in pain, but as he fell to

his knees, something even more remarkable occurred. Coryn’s energy traveled out from Shiro’s

body, soaring off in tight bands in all directions. It was as if Shiro was being tethered by reality

itself. Some strands disappeared straight into the ground below him, others were lost in the sky


- I've watched enough anime to understand that white energy flows out of Shiro as he loses it, but you assumed that everyone knew what Coryn's energy looked like - is it electric, like water? Is it fast or slow? What is Shiro doing as these currents emanate from him?

14. “Shiro…you haven’t resurrected yourself at all. You’re still dead.”

Shiro looked up at him with distain. He tested out his restored limb as he spoke.

- Dammit I don't even know what's happening here. Is this some DBZ permanent death stuff? If yes then Shiro was madder than I thought. Die man. The afterlife is better than the neverlife.

15. “And baby, there ain’t no way I’m letting that happen!”

- Man there's gotta be a wicked song for this part of the story at least. Although tbh the themesong has still been pretty good so far so yeah.

16.    Jack and Coryn came at him at once. Shiro let himself fall back as Jack swung a newly

formed blade at him. His palms hit the cold stone and he pulled up into a flip as Coryn stabbed

out to spear him. The tip of Coryn’s sword skirted past its target as Shiro twisted, and was

knocked clean of its owner’s grasp as the glowing chain whipped back around and caught

Coryn from the side. Coryn had slid across the courtyard and slammed into the castle wall by the

time Shiro completed his maneuver. Shiro turned his head up and expected to see Jack suffer the

same fate, but was caught at a disadvantage when Jack snapped Coryn’s blade from the air, and

with his own ice saber, met Shiro’s energy-form with both weapons. The white energy was

cleaved through, and Jack turned to his opponent.

I accidentally started listening to this song at this section, and it doesn't fit at all, but for this session it was awesome 'I ain't in no hurry, you go run and tell your friends you're losing touch, fill your friends with rumours of impeding doom'. I imagined it perfectly. Like I saw a Tarantino esque  scene where Shiro is twisting and turning fighting all of The Five and everyone is reacting like the Power Rangers do (With all those small boxes showing their faces in some moments and all their exagarrated reactions when they're attacked)

Guh, never mind.

17. For a moment it was unclear who would win the contest, but Jack had made a

mistake. In his inexperience with the weapons, he had not gotten close enough to Shiro.

- Dammit. Ice guys always lose afterall.

18. This time, Shiro did not have the opportunity to defend

himself with enix, and resorted to blocking October’s rain of blows with his bare flesh.

- Does enix take long to form or was it a matter of resources as in he had already used it to defend against others?

19. With no other recourse, Shiro took a gamble. He

concentrated as much energy as he could just above his solar plexus.

- Did Shiro seriously think he could take everybody on? If even one of his attacks could get blocked then what the hell is he doing? He risked so much, and he's going to get his ass kicked again.  That's not to say that he doesn't deserve it, though. He's shown zero concern or interest for his subordinates so yeah please get beaten in an embarrasing manner.

20. The pair paused for just a moment. Camarin spoke a few words, and together, they

sped off towards the recovering Shiro.

- Idiots...

21.   When the chaos had ended, and Shiro offered to let them serve as

his guard, Alexis had said much of the same as Naomi just had. There was no other hope for

their lives, and when it had come time for Naomi to decide for the group, she had taken the same

path. “He’ll kill us all, either way…”

- Wait a goshdarned minute they were beinge stockholmed the entire time? I thought they joined for a reason! Either nega-morals are weird as heck, or I've got to reexamine how much I feel sorry for Shiro's subordinates.

22. Even if Alexis had been brainwashed and raped.



.... wut.

... Wow, just wow.

... *censored* Shiro.

23.    Naomi forced her foot to get back flat against the ground. As she pushed herself back up,

her black katana formed itself in her hand. As she straightened her back, she caught fire. Scarlet

energy roared around Naomi, and as she dropped into a rushing stance, she concentrated every

inch of it into her blade.

- I-ke, Naomi!

24.  Red fire fueled her

speed, and like a rocket, she closed in.


25.  “I’m going to end you, Shiro!”

- End him.

26. . He blade was already in motion.


27. But try as she might, Naomi

could not match Shiro’s speed.

- dammit

28. The blade had been melted all the way down, and only the half-charred hilt



29.  The madman glared at him for

just and instant, and disappeared in a flash of white.


30.  Coryn did not meet her directly. Instead, he waved the ruined grip in October’s direction,

and started to wander towards the castle gates. October followed quickly after him, and together,

they arrived at the grand doors. Together, they pushed them open, and let in the rain.

- Surprisingly cinematic scene. Totally heard that deluge of rain as the gates opened...

31. Before them,

laying crumpled at the base of the ruined woodcut of Amaterasu, was the burnt form of Naomi

Amano. No movement remained. There she rested, blackened, and still.

- Man, *censored* you Shiro

General Thoughts

- Weird. You've got this thing where you describe actions in a reviewer's voice - they've already happend but you explain how they end up i.e like I said on comment 3. Personally it feels weird to read, especially because I've seen you do more staccatto direct action in stuff like Mortal Combat, but the nature of the chapter made this style of yours quite fitting, so to be honest ignore everything I ever say on that front (I think I mentioned the same on the Bleach fan fic review somewhere, so yeah) This might be something of your own style that you need to nurture rather than avoid.

I hope sincerely that Shiro was always this bad of an asshole. If you turned him into this rape allowing creature of the night because I felt sympathy for his disembowlent then CHEAP MOVE DUDE. But yeah, otherwise I pretty much do want him to end. Bastard has no redeeming qualities anymore.

I wish The Five would talk to eachother more. I assumed when I first got into CS that ther'd be at least fan art or fan fiction or background stories that'd flesh out the relationship between The Five, but the more I read the more I notice that it'll be necessary for this merry group of immortals who've already had every possible emotional drunken party of honesty with eachother to set aside all small talk to deal with the very real threats that confront them in this concluding volume of CS. I don't know how you could swing it, but it'd seriously be nice to have more hints at The Fives' backstories somehow somewhere.

Otherwise it was a pretty fun chapter. And now I think you don't quite need to read more novels, you need to see more television! Or anime. I  mean hell yeah for language you'll get what you need from reading legit prose works, but I don't think anything can give you passion for finishing your story other than imagining it on the big screen or absorbing inspiration from that source. I suggest this very subjectively because I'm rewatching Kill Bill, and it's the first time I've rewatched an old school classic like ever, and now I know the appeal: There is merit to rewatching old classics. It's like doing repetitions (e.g pushups) for the creative brain.

So thankful for a new chapter dude, and so soon! I thought I'd need to be reading this ages later. Good stuff. Keep at it, and cheers!

Offline Coryn

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #121 on: April 14, 2018, 10:37:52 PM »
0. Oops. This may be the wrong time to mention that you weren't supposed to click on the song until after reading the chapter. But if you liked reading to it, all the better. I don't know, I guess I've always preferred to keep song postings out of CS, despite using them almost every where else.

1. I definitely  could have expanded that more, but I was in a rush to get to the fight. Apologies.

October is a born vamp, but it's necessary to expand the scope of who is and who is not 'human' when you get into territory like this.

2. Always rules, even if they don't seem apparent from a real world perspective.

3. The storm clouds we're unfortunately added in towards the end of the chapter when I realized I wanted the storm for the last scene. So I get where this is coming from.

4. Indeed.

5. There's a difference between a single freak out or mistake and straight up turning evil demigod and rampaging across the universe for a couple millennia. Like I've been saying all along: Shiro became an evil *censored* bro.

6. Thanks.

7. Part of this Arc is definitely about fixing mistakes of the past. Mine, specifically. Coryn never came across quite the way I wanted him to. Sure, he's flippant and all that, bit I never wanted him to be some ubermensch who's always on the ball with everything. So apologies if anything you read in this Arc feels slightly like a retcon. (It totally is maybe kinda) although I promise there won't be plot changing consequences. (This is why I always vowed to start over from the beginning when I finished this Arc)

8. Remember that sentiment in a few comments time. Also remember how you said it last time. Jack is valid in all ways. This just wasn't a good day for anyone.

9. Nope. Bad times for all.

10. I think you forgot to finish this one...

11. Again, really glad this worked out, although unintentionally.

12. I'm trying to be more visceral with the combat. Bleach style is good for big, showey scenes, but I've found I really like it when you can feel the pain as a reader.

13. This goes back to my earlier 'sins of the past' comment. I fall so often into the pitfall of assuming anime knowledge. So I need to get a better vocabulary for how these things look. Especially because I do want the movements of energy to differ between characters and points in time. I guess it's fair to say that I always want the motion of enix to match the emotion of the character in that moment. I do after all refer to a person's enix as their life force in a way. So to me it makes sense to tie it directly to their hearts.

14. I recognized this problem while writing, but didn't know how to fix it properly (you don't want to read the first draft on this bit). But in essence, what Shiro is doing is essentially making a marionette of his own body. He's stretched out his soul until he could grab it, but he's still like, totally dead, and now really *censored*ed up because his soul has been spaghettified as well. But as I tried to get across in the beginning, while death can be escaped, it's not easy, and it's certainly not what Shiro has done. It's like trying to reach the remote from your bed, not wanting to actually leave bed, and then getting stuck on the floor with one foot in bed and a hand on the remote.

15/16. Yeah something like that. I was at least trying to be cinematic there.

17. Refer to above comment.

18. Yes and yes. More juice takes longer to build up, and you can't build up any if there's no gas in the tank.

19. Shiro... is not well.

20. Brave idiots.

21. They were coerced, although it's not like their ideologies didn't match up somewhat. But to put a button on the rest of that relationship: Nega-girls are evil, but they had a personal code. Shiro is just plain evil without regard and can't feel emotional connections with other beings but himself.

22. I've been saying that *censored* for years. Although don't think of this as like, an attack on the street sort of situation. More like the abusive partner thing with an incredibly off kilter power balance.

23-25. I'm glad you're feeling it.

26. Oops.

27-29. I mean there was really only one way this was going to end.

30. Thanks.

31. Glad you're finally on board.

Wrap up: yeah, I'm working on that style thing. 'legit prose' as you say has finally taken root in me. Although I do want to draw a balance between the stucato stuff and what you're describing, although to be honest, I can't really see it in there personally. It's just how I've naturally developed as a writer after all. It's in the DNA somewhere, so I'd better nurse it, otherwise exorcising it shall be mighty troublesome.

I get what you mean about the Five interacting, and I take that back to my writing wrongs comment (get it? Badum tish. *Is violently pulled off stage). I swear I shall make them into the immortal buddies I've always wanted them to be. But I can't swear Shiro was always evil. We've already established that he wasn't.

As for getting this one out quickly, well... well maybe like, come back in a week's time for the next chapter? Cause it's like... already written and just needs editing.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc:

Offline legomaestro

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #122 on: April 15, 2018, 11:43:29 AM »
What the hell did you eat man? You haven't done two chapters in a year in ages ye bastard. Looking forward to it. Because I'm pretty much done nitpicking at your writing style I think I'll just look for typos and grammos and say which parts worked for me... Along the usual questions.

Ah, 10 was 10. “You make me so sad Coryn. You can’t see the bigger

picture of things.”

- Can you please first explain how you're still alive?

What was naturally already answered.

P.S that writing wrongs pun was abomnible... I'll steal it.

Offline Coryn

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Re: Coryn's Saga Arc 3
« Reply #123 on: April 15, 2018, 03:10:38 PM »
Technically it'll be the fourth chapter released this year. I'm really steam rolling it. (We'd be farther if I didn't have so many other stories I'm working on right now too...)

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: