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Author Topic: [Marathon Workshop] Zsssssst!  (Read 457 times)

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Offline Operative13

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[Marathon Workshop] Zsssssst!
« on: January 19, 2018, 07:52:50 AM »
Genre: Sci-Fi Fantasy
Synopsis: A weary scientist, a bubbly young girl, and a demonic soul trapped inside a golem's body go on extraordinary adventures as they explore the many wonders of the Omega Infinitum.

Chapter 1
The tavern bustled with life. All sorts of people gathered here in this rustic place to chat about the daily lives and events that go around this town. Yet that tavern atmosphere was almost instantly disrupted when the door swung open with enough force to send the barkeep flying across the room. Everyone stopped and turned to see… who was this person who so callously marched in unannounced?

Standing in the doorway was a young alchemist, a girl from the royal academy. Her dress was burnt and there was an expression of absolute horror on her face, her lips slowly parted as she said “Holy *censored* guys, I might have just ended the world”.

“...There she goes again,” mumbled one of the patrons. He took his beer and went straight back to drinking just as quickly as he turned away.

The young alchemist quickly runs to the patron walking away, “No! No! I’m serious! Look, my arm! I did the thing! You know the thing you aren’t supposed to do!” There was a dark mark on her arm, a rune of some sort, it glowed ominously but for some reason also smelt vaguely like cherries.

The patron gazed with uninterested eyes, just cresting over the rim of his mug. He slammed the mug down after a hard gulp and stared the girl down straight in the eyes. “Shove off, you annoying git.”

Suddenly a low robotic voice echoed from outside the tavern. “Bryn, you done in there? Why did we go to a tavern?” The patrons gazed out the tavern windows, a humongous war golem was parked awkwardly near the water trough for horses. It really seemed like this thing was about to tip over.

“Don’t tell me you brought him over,” the patron groaned at Bryn. “How many times do I have to tell you?”

“Look, I didn’t bring him anywhere he just kind of follows me!” Yelled Bryn as she hides the odd cherry smelling mark on her arm. She turns to the other patrons and at the top of her lungs yells…


The patron stood up, whisking his coat off the chair and flipped a coin over the bar, where the barkeeper lied unconscious.

“Thanks for the drink,” he nonchalantly said as he strolled out the door.

Just as the patron was passing by the nearly tipped over but not quite yet war golem, a sudden flash of lightning and a dark inhuman voice enters every human’s mind in the vicinity. “FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLS, you have gazed upon ME and thus I have seen you! I cometh.”

“Shut up, you piece of useless demonic trash!” the patron angrily barked. “I’ve had enough for one day of you two idiots’ ridiculous antics! Now we’re going back to the lab this instant! I’m going to have a word with you two later.”

Bryn slowly turns to the war golem and says “So, we’re pretty *censored*ed aren’t we Moda? The professor thinks this is a joke. But I just literally ended the world. Well it’s going to be an exciting day at least.”

The war golem attempts to stand. But it actually can’t.

“You bet your ass you two are,” the patron grumbled. “Now where the hell did I leave the car?”

As Bryn turns to follow the patron, a small noise is heard from behind her. “Hey”. Bryn continues to walk with the patron. “Hey”. Bryn stops for a moment and ties her shoes noticing her boots had come undone. “HEY!!! I’m STUCK Bryn, you can’t leave me here!”

Bryn turns to see Moda, still on the verge of tipping. She shrugs and follows the patron.

“Tell me, have you done anything with the car? I could’ve sworn I parked it here somewhere…” the patron asked.
“Well you never asked me how I got here…” Said Bryn sheepishly as she plucks a wrench from her bottomless bag of useless potions.

“Don’t tell me…” a slight discomfort in the patron’s voice.

“I’m SITTING ON THE CAR!” Yelled Moda from way back in front of the tavern. Upon closer inspection, indeed he was parked on top of the car. Hence the tipping.

“You messed with the Dimensional Configuration Module!?” the patron screamed.

“That’s what I’ve been trying to TELL YOU! We may or may not have taken a peek at the Omega Infinitum, and it was great and everything but… well you know” Bryn grabs the wrench and begins winding up for a swing before batting Moda’s head off his body, causing the entire war golem to tip off the car.

“That’s why I kept trying to tell you the world is ending!” exclaimed Bryn as she runs after Moda’s head.

The patron ran his hand down the length of his face. “ many times must I tell you not to touch that! One wrong move and you could easily trap us in the Omega Infinitum! You’re lucky you haven’t busted the Multi-Dimensional Correctional System, or we’d be in big trouble,” He shoveled through his coat pockets and took out a pair of car keys. Upon pressing a button, the car’s invisibility cloak disintegrated, revealing the rest of the war golem’s body stuck inside.

“Oh so that’s where it went!” Yelled Moda as Bryn screwed his head back on to the rest of his body. While repairing Moda, Bryn turns to the patron and says “Wait, so the MDCS isn’t broken? No *censored*ing way, are you telling me I’M the only one that’s going to die here!? I mean you saw the mark right!”

“Oh, quit your whining you dumb brat. That mark isn’t gonna do anything, at least not when we leave this world.”

The young girl pulls her giant hat down to hide her face, which at this point was red enough to be mistaken for a tomato. “W-well, haha. Woah you’re right, maybe it’s time to be jumping back to Origin city, I’ve had enough of this dump anyway! I’ve got a flight exam tomorrow too!”

“You won’t be taking your flight exam once I have a word with your professor,” the patron sternly said as he buckled himself in the driver’s seat. “The last thing I need is for you to become more of an issue.”

“Well I would say I’m sorry but I’m really not, mom left us clues in the pocket dimensions, and whether it’s in the Omega or not I’m gonna find them ain’t that right Moda?”

“Mmfmfgfddkhzzzzrrrtt” There were sparks coming out of the war golem’s chassis.

Bryn quickly smacks Moda’s head once more with her wrench before jumping in the passenger seat and fastening her buckle.

In the same monotonous robotic voice he’s used all his life, Moda turns his head and says “*censored* you Bryn”.

The patron rolled his eyes and turned the car engine on. The car spurred, then whizzed to life as the gadgets and various electronics cluttering the front board filled with data. He entered a series of coordinates into the computer just as the world began to collapse into darkness and within moments, a stream of light surrounded the vehicle. And just before the world had totally collapsed into nothing, the car vanished.

Staring out the window into the void as the car traversed through dimensions, Bryn’s mind was filled emotions. She thought of her family, of her friends, of this new situation she found herself in and wondered if she would ever find her home again. She lifted her arm and motioned towards the endless infinite, reaching out and trying to grasp something. She knew mom would never be coming back, but wasn’t sure if she was ready to let go of hope yet. In that instance however…

“Bryn you look like some jackass tripping on something really good” The war golem just had to go and ruin the moment.

“We’re almost home.” the patron said. And just as before, the light that had once surrounded them began to dissipate, revealing a familiar area everyone was accustomed to: the Lab. The car lied center of a large beam that immediately shut off following the light’s departure. The patron unhinged the keys from its lock, opened the car door, and casually walked towards the stairs ahead.

Under her breath Bryn quietly swore “Not my home, not my dad. Never will be.” She turns to open the car door before remembering that a certain rude ass golem was in the back seat. She shrugged and followed the patron up the stairs.

“You know, you’re a real bitch Bryn!” Bryn stopped for a moment, she could hear the angry, or what she thought was the angry voice of a war golem trapped in the back seat of a cramped car. She paused for a moment, wondering if she should go back and open the door. Then promptly forgot all about it and left the room.

As Byrn made her way upstairs, into the quiet wooden hallways covered in dust and cobwebs, she could see a dim light emanating behind an ajared door. His room. Curious, she crept slowly towards the light and peered through the door’s crack to see the man lounging on his sofa chair, casually exhaling a smoke next to the fireplace.

“Do you honestly believe the girl is worth your effort?” a distinctly female but mechanical voice spoke. “All this energy you have and you choose to expend it for what? Comfort?”

“It’s anything but comfort,” the man replied.

“Gareth. You can’t spend eternity tormenting yourself with this. Sooner or later you’ll have to come to terms. This girl should not be the solution.”

“I decide what I want to do,” Gareth replied. “Now I don’t know if it’s… out of instinct or if I’m not in my right mind… I don’t know. And I don’t care. But I’ll do what I have to.”

“The Foundation is looking for your reply, Gareth. You will need to respond to it soon.”

“Computer off,” Gareth said. A small click, and Gareth is back to inhaling his pipe.

Bryn’s eyes narrowed as she tried to be stealthy, leaning up against the wall. She thought to herself man, I am such a *censored*ing ninja right now. “Hehehe, what delicious sultry piece of tabloid gossip do we have here” she muttered under her breath, only barely able to catch the tail end of the conversation in Gareth’s room.

The door suddenly flew open from Gareth’s room. “Back to your room, kiddo.”

“Drat” Bryn puts her hat back on her head and sulks back to her room.

She immediately plops down on her bed and wonders why the hell she sleeps on this thing because it is awful. Turning to her side, she thought about the conversation she heard from Gareth’s room.

“The foundation huh. Always knew mom was a badass interdimensional pirate, but if those guys are involved maybe I am in over my head.” She turns to her other side while the distant sounds of a trapped golem in a car gently echo underneath her. “Still, thanks Gare-bear, always knew you had a soft spot for me.” She smiled once more before sleep finally hits her like a train that doesn’t understand the concept of slowing down.

Chapter 2
Sleepingly blissfully, one would never be able to tell what Bryn’s dreams were about. Her facial expression was that of a seasoned poker player, unmoving and like stone. Despite that however, you could always tell when dawn was approaching as her gentle features gradually distort and writhe in response to the looming light. “I know, know…” She muttered, painfully aware that dawn was coming and she couldn’t sleep forever.

The gentle smell of cherries brushed up against her nostrils. “Right.” Bryn abruptly jolted upright, looked at her arm and the weird mark that sat on it. “Forgot about you, well if Gareth says it’s nothing then I guess it’s nothing”. Then almost as quickly as she woke up, she was dressed and ready for the day.

Gareth sat nonchalantly in the dining room, boots crossed atop the table as he peered over reports in his tablet. He didn’t seem to pay mind to Bryn skipping down the stairs as she playfully jumped the last step down and dashed across the room.

It took only a moment for Gareth to notice that Bryn had done something a little different today. Immediately, a look of horror washed over his face. “No, nope. Not happening”.

Bryn faced Gareth before responding “COME ON! You don’t even know what I was going to ask, it’s only going to take a second! I promise.” Bryn put on the worst possible smile that could ever be done, her face twitching with strain.

“I’ve said it again and again, and I’ll say it again: No,” Gareth sternly said before turning back to his tablet.

Bryn crossed her arms before plopping down a golden medal on the table. She grabbed a piece of bread, gulped it down in one bite and took a big gulp out of Gareth’s cup of coffee. “Alright, you already know this is happening, I mean come on! This is my one chance to get a lead on mom and you’re saying I can’t!? It was like this last year too!”

“And it’ll remain that way until you learn to control yourself. With the way you are now, I can’t even trust you to look over that damn golem for even one second. Where did you even leave him last night?”

“Eep. Well, he should be in the garage.” Bryn taps the floor with her foot. Out of the garage echoed a low monotonous voice “Yes I’m still here. And Bryn, you’re a-”

Cutting him off, Bryn jumps up and down causing a ruckus before saying “Anyway that’s not the point. Look at that medal, you know what that means! The Basilica gave me a personal recommendation for flight training today. I don’t get why you won’t let me go, I’ll be out of your hair and you can go about your merry way, what’s not to lose?”

“That you’ll do something reckless and put people in danger. Not everyone is fit to pilot them, and I’d rather you take the time to learn more important skills before you try to get your hands on one. Besides, you’ll be accompanying me with some errands today.”

Bryn turned to look at the Grand Basilica in the distance before sighing and turning back to face Gareth. “Look, I just want to help, and if it means I can find out what happened to mom while doing it I just don’t get what is wrong with that. I know the Omega is dangerous and things we bring back can hurt people, but I can’t be stuck here being your little alchemist-”

“Apprentice,” Gareth suddenly said. “You’re my apprentice. You haven’t earned the right to call yourself an Alchemist just yet.”

Taking a deep sigh, before sitting back down at the table, Bryn takes the medal and puts it back in her pocket. “I get it, fine. As long as we go to the Omega today, then I’ll put off the flight company. But remember what you promised me Gareth, I’ll make a record of every anomaly, but you promised me you’d help me find mom. Also, I’ve got some news I forgot to mention. Noire is going to come with us today” Immediately after dropping that bomb Bryn grabs her satchel and rushes through the garage door, hoping to escape Gareth’s wrath before he has a chance to say anything. She slips almost right away before tumbling through the door and falling down the stairs landing right in front of Moda’s head.

Gareth twitched at the boisterous calamity that echoed in the garage. “Get Moda charged up while you’re in there!” He hollered. “He’s coming with us!” He then turned back and resumed his reading before thinking to himself… “Who’s Noire?”

At that moment, the front door bell rang, its annoying chirp echoed through the house. Immediately suspicious of Bryn’s words, Gareth cautiously waited at the table before he yelled “Who’s there!?”

A slight murmur through the door. He could barely make out who it was, but it was certainly female. Grumbling to himself, Gareth dropped his legs off the table and put aside the tablet as he got up to answer the door.

Before Gareth could open the door, it swung open. A small girl dressed head to toe in a suspiciously black outfit stood before him. She had a mechanical backpack of sorts and was arrayed in goggles and other gadgets that one could only imagine what their true purpose was for.

“P-pleased to meet you mister, Bryn asked me to come along for something today. My n-name is N-n-noire.” The girl had an irritating stutter. For a moment Gareth almost bought that she was just shy but then he immediately realized something was off.

“By the Gods, girl! What have you done!?” Gareth exclaimed. Noire had completely demolished the front door.

A cheeky smile crept across Noire’s face. “W-well, that wasn’t supposed to happen.” Noire turned around and reached into her backpack before pulling out a small gadget. It was shaped like an arm with a drill attached to one end. Before Gareth could ask what she was doing, Noire had already begun… repairing? The door. In less than a minute, the front door was brand new, its blasted hinges made of solid gold and other extravagant implements.

Taking a moment to compose himself, Gareth turned to face the suspicious girl only to find her handing him a bill.

“...what is this?” Gareth plainly spoke.

“It’s the f-fee. For fixing your d-door.” Noire held the bill up to Gareth’s face. “It’s only natural to charge for s-services rendered.” A cheeky smile crept across Noire’s face, except this time, it was somehow cheekier than before.

Gareth’s expression soured. “Girl. You just blasted my perfectly good door to bits, and now you have the galls to try and charge me for fixing a problem you caused? On top of that… the door doesn’t even match!” Immediately he began tearing the bill in front of her and pulled out a cellphone. “Now give me one good reason why I shouldn’t send you over to the authorities.”

Noire shuffled about before speaking in her obnoxiously quiet voice. “It’s going to cost extra if you want your old door back.” Gareth’s eyes squinted, who the hell was this brat!? Before the exchange could escalate any further, Bryn barged in between the two.

“Hahahah! Noire, oh man you’re a real joker. Hoo hee, hahaha, so funny.” Bryn’s eyes narrowed at Noire, causing Noire to let out an audible gulp. “Gareth, this is Noire, professional dirt bag and my co-pilot for today’s Basilica test. Since YOU decided I wouldn’t be taking the test today, she’s coming with us to the Omega. It’s only fair right?” Bryn turned to Noire before pinching her by the ear.

“Uwaaaaaaaah B-bryn… why???”

Bryn’s grip tightened. “Fix the door, or my ass is grounded for the rest of forever.” Noire sulked for a moment before moving to fix the door.

Gareth raised an eyebrow, arms crossed. “I take it she’s your friend?”
Hearing the word friend, Bryn twitches for a moment before letting out a painfully awkward laugh “Haha, friend’s a bit of a strong word Gareth, more like… partners in crime.”

“Should I send you to the authorities as well, then?”

“Well instead of the authorities, I think it would be a grand idea if we started on today’s errands dontcha think?” Bryn turns to a Noire who’s still in tears about her ear. “And you, buddy ol’ pal, I’ve got something planned for you today. You do this for me Noire, and we’ll call it even mmkay?”

Noire turns to Bryn nodding her head while nursing her injured ear.

“Indeed. And we can start by sending your ‘partner’ back to the Academy.” Gareth eyed the teary Noire.

“Sorry, not today boss man. I need Noire for a little something today, it’s not going to get in the way of your work, trust me.” Bryn let out a bit of a nervous laugh before turning back to Gareth. “And while I feel like the two of you got off on the wrong foot, Noire has her uses in the Omega.”

“Which is exactly why you should send her back. We won’t be going into the Omega today.”
“Eh?” Bryn let out a puzzled yelp. “Wait, what’s going on then?”

“I have some business to conduct in the city. You’ll be helping me with some errands as I meet with some important people. This’ll be a good learning opportunity for you, Byrn. I already have your excuse note from the Academy. They approved it just this morning.”

If Bryn had a jaw that could hit the floor, it probably would have at that moment. “Wait you mean, you’re actually going to take me to Origin city?” The excitement in lit a fire in Bryn’s eyes.

It was then she noticed that a certain someone was attached to her arm and… smelling it? “Ah! What the hell are you doing Noire!?”

The puzzled Bryn looked shocked as Noire continued to sniff her arm. “Hey, did you k-know your arm smells like cherries?” Bryn vigorously shook Noire off her arm before turning to the small suspicious looking girl. “That’s besides the point, listen Noire, I’ll meet up with you later, sorry about dragging you into this but you’ve gotta stop trying to scam people, I need your help next time we go into the Omega. Be at the usual place, I’ll be there tonight.”

Noire nodded her head as she turned to her backpack tugging on a small string attached to the side. Smoke envelops the area causing Gareth and Bryn to cough for a moment. Gareth recovered and peering through the smoke catches a glimpse of Noire attempting to run down the street.

“Does she always do that?” Gareth asked, waving away puffs of smoke across his face.

“She’s got a good heart.” Responded Bryn, holding back the tears of what could be either joy or utter disappointment.

Gareth raised his wristwatch and noted the time. “Either way, we best get a move on or I’ll be late for my appointments. Pack your things Byrn, and go check on the Golem while you’re at it.”

“You betcha. I fixed up Moda’s head and he’s back on his body. I’ll meet you in the garage.” It was clear that Bryn couldn’t contain her excitement, as she was moving faster than she normally would given the circumstances of what had just happened.

As Gareth watched Byrn take off through the house, Gareth could only stare outside to the bustling city. Just out on the horizon was the towering behemoth that reached out to the high, shining sun: Origin City.

“That’s where it all started, isn’t it?” he thought to himself. He then walked back inside to tend to other matters. “I’ll need to call someone up about that door…” And just as he turned to close the new door to the house, the faint sound of suspicious footsteps could be heard just outside.
« Last Edit: January 26, 2018, 03:36:00 AM by Operative13 »
“To give of oneself is the noblest of all acts.”

Offline Fortis Scriptor

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Re: [Marathon Workshop] Zsssssst!
« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2018, 03:04:02 PM »
Heyo Op, here for NO DAYS OFF!!! group's weekly review. I'll be honest I'm crap at giving reviews in short non-conversational form but I will do my best.  :thumbsup:

In general, I am thus far enjoying the story. It gives off a sort of Konosuba/Rick and Morty/ other comedic fantasy/sci fi series feel and that is a good thing. The world building as expected is well executed introducing us to pieces of the world without just dumping oodles of exposition onto the reader. The opening drops you into the action in a good way that establishes our three main characters and they have some fun chemistry which could go very good places that can punch you right in the feels in both happy and sad ways. Some criticisms I'd have would be there is some inconsistency with tense and some basic grammar screw ups here and there but the latter of those is in everything so I don't have an issue with it. There was one thing in the first chapter which irritated me, and that was how you referred to Gareth as 'the patron' for far too long in my opinion. It was established rather quickly that this person knew Bryn and the Golem, but you didn't give us his name until the very end of the first chapter. But hey just a minor nitpick on my part. All in all the only major issue I had was the tense inconsistency here and there, aside from that everything was very good stuff and I look forward to the next chapters.  :clapping: