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Author Topic: MRverse: The Return of the Drifter  (Read 3892 times)

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Offline Santa's Little Fro Elf

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Re: MRverse: The Return of the Drifter
« Reply #60 on: July 24, 2018, 05:39:40 PM »
It's certainly A LOT to go through. Might wanna read a chunk of it on a lunch break or something.
Messatsu...



Offline MahluaandEggnog

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Re: MRverse: The Return of the Drifter
« Reply #61 on: July 24, 2018, 05:59:10 PM »
One thing immediately jumps out to me because I'm picky as heckie: they're kemonomimi, not furries. Very important distinction. Kemonomimi are humans with animal traits. Furries are animals with human traits. Kemonomimi are not actual animals.

But, great, now I'm going to have to write a tidbit more onto Reset to canonize the adventure. Thanks for the plug, and sorry the story it's for is in such a garbage state rn.

And now we have more lore for Fro's background and probably future stories based on that little end bit there. Big congrats on getting it all done, especially with all the fight choreography going on. Now go take yourself a long break and enjoy it, because you deserve it.

Offline Coryn

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Re: MRverse: The Return of the Drifter
« Reply #62 on: July 24, 2018, 07:41:40 PM »
It's certainly A LOT to go through. Might wanna read a chunk of it on a lunch break or something.

Lunch breaks are a foreign concept to we salaried folk.

I'll read it like I read most MR Canon: In bed when I should be sleeping.

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Offline Coryn

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Re: MRverse: The Return of the Drifter
« Reply #63 on: July 24, 2018, 10:08:46 PM »
Part 1 thoughts:

1. Right up top, it should be "question"

2. Sparkling light blue huh?

3. Maybe it's just because I'm really into it right now, but j feels like there is a point when we're looking at each fighter that it starts to really drag. Like, I get this sense that this is all happening at once, but it's like we're putting everything on hold every time we concentrate on just one person. Maybe this could have been alleviated some with a little intercutting between them all, or at the very least, if you introduced everyone up top. As it was, I feel like we were diving into a cave that you had no concept of where it ended. By introducing everyone at once, you at least paint a rough road map in our minds.

4. Hell, I don't know why you need a secret portion of the division for war arc when you have such easy access (I really should seal up those entrances) I wouldn't be surprised if there was a pile of old Coryn-bot parts in a janitors closet up there already.

5. I know it's not your intention, but I imagine all the clones and doppelgangers to have Ditto faces ala Pokemon. Just makes everything that much funnier when you describe their expressions.


That's it for part 1. Not too bad aside from the slowness. Would be clever if you posted some relevant artwork along with introducing each raider (assuming that in gathering this crew they sent reference material)

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Offline Santa's Little Fro Elf

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Re: MRverse: The Return of the Drifter
« Reply #64 on: July 24, 2018, 10:33:56 PM »
@Mahlua: Now that I think about it, I'm not even sure why I didn't realize that difference sooner, considering you did sort of explain that in Reset. I'll make note of that in the future. And yeah, I got quite a few ideas to expand on what I left open in the end there. But for now, I'm taking this break. Thanks for reading.

@Coryn: The thing is I was feeling the same way when I was editing this today. I knew certain parts were dragged on a bit much, but I didn't know how to fix the issue without cutting out loads of content. I didn't think of intercuts, and yeah, it have been a better to introduce everyone from the jump.

But I won't call myself trash like usual. After all this is a learning experience. At least I know I'm capable of finishing a decently coherent story. That much, I'm at least proud of.  Also, Greentrap was the only one who sent me a reference sketch. Lego pretty much drew everyone in the MR fan art thread, so for right now those are the only character references we got. Maybe when I git gud at art I'll draw a group shot of everyone. 
Messatsu...



Offline Coryn

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Re: MRverse: The Return of the Drifter
« Reply #65 on: July 24, 2018, 10:38:28 PM »
Part 2 thoughts:

1. This is potentially the cheeriest Corycaly has been in the canon for a long time. Then again, it's definitely a more accurate vision (although I don't see her getting all blushy at your curated lines  :tongue:)

2. Who has time to design individual changing rooms? You'd think the place would have the basic locker rooms: men, women, skeleton

3. "Where she's from" not *censored*ing ominous at all there Cory...

4. It is quite the info dump on yourself there. Out of curiosity, did you ever attempt to actually give this speech in real life? I always like to test my long dialogues like that.

5. So am I following this right? To me it sounds like Fro has a non-Net origin? If so, where does it put this professor lady? Questions, questions, questions.

6. This was driving me crazy. "Ma'am" is the proper contraction for "madam". "Mam" is apparently used in Indian English to refer to someone else's mother, which doesn't feel like the intention here.


Overall, I'm glad to see you finally finished. As we brought up before, chapter 2 (3?) Was definitely the strongest, but it still ended well. Mostly you have pacing issues, so the actual content was solid.


And congratulations on getting an Officially Canon Story done! Always nice to see complete stories to add to the list.

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Offline Santa's Little Fro Elf

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Re: MRverse: The Return of the Drifter
« Reply #66 on: July 24, 2018, 11:14:43 PM »
Dawg, I'm mad now cause I had a feeling "mam" didn't sound right...

I always felt like Co was supposed to be extremely cheery in canon. She definitely fits the trope y'know?

Trust me when I say I usually try to avoid info dumps whenever possible, but I felt like in this context it was the best (and laziest) way to tie everything together I guess.

Fro has an extremely complicated backstory man. Funny enough, getting started on my origin story is next on my canon list, and I'm almost afraid to even tackle it because I know it's gonna be taxing on the brain. I will say this though: Yes, Fro has a non net origin, but there's more to it than that.

And much thanks as always Coryn. Your reviews has definitely helped me improve during this journey of mine. Pacing is a forever a demon of mine I see, but I'm glad to hear the content is at least good. If I had to rank my own chapters, I would go in the order of 2, 4, 3, 1, and 5. I got a lot of things to work on, but for now I'm gonna sit back, relax and catch up on all these MR stories I need to finish (*Cough* Coryn's saga *Cough cough*)
 
Messatsu...



Offline eukocar

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Re: MRverse: The Return of the Drifter
« Reply #67 on: July 26, 2018, 01:34:25 PM »
Wow 2 chapters at once :o.
lets start with chapter one.
I like how you handled the training arc's of all the raider's. With Greentrap's arc being my favorite!
but i found that fortis his arc was a bit on the short side compared to the rest of the raiders.

But seeing that he is an 300 year old skeleton with a lot of combat experiance, it must have been an really tough arc to write.

I look forward to next chapters keep up the amazing work.
 

 

Offline Coryn

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Re: MRverse: The Return of the Drifter
« Reply #68 on: July 26, 2018, 01:47:16 PM »
If I had to I got a lot of things to work on, but for now I'm gonna sit back, relax and catch up on all these MR stories I need to finish (*Cough* Coryn's saga *Cough cough*)
 

Well it's hardly an exclusive club.

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Offline Santa's Little Fro Elf

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Re: MRverse: The Return of the Drifter
« Reply #69 on: July 31, 2018, 08:55:27 PM »
@Eukocar: Thanks man! Glad you enjoyed what I wrote. Unfortunately, this story is is finished, so there won't be any more chapters coming out for this. However, there will be more MR canon stories in the future featuring the MR Fighters Division, so be on the lookout for those!.

@Coryn: Well, I got stories on my list members posted years ago that I wanna read and review, plus the influx of new stories popping in the writer's section recently. So yeah, hardly an exclusive club indeed. 
Messatsu...



Offline yulemaestro

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Re: MRverse: The Return of the Drifter
« Reply #70 on: August 15, 2018, 08:22:02 PM »
Reading Fighting For Something Better Part 1 by Fronomenal on Mangaraiders 16.08.2018 Comments

I was too lazy to copy-paste, would you believe? You'll have to see my comments and general thoughts without the context of what line I've read exactly, sorry.

1 - That entrance test for the division reminds me of Urahara's Bankai test for Ichigo
2 - Fortiss' description is too damn fitting. I could imagine it all. Funny stuff.
3 - I see you are a fellow fan of the best pistol ever- ze Glock. I see it in a lot of your works.
4 - You can make (quickly uses google) kamibushins? Dammit, why does 'hairclone' sound so cool in japanese. It makes it sound like 'godclones' to a layman
5 - Losing clothes as a condition to pass or fail is something out of an ecchistory methinks.
6 - Oh gawd there's an MRFD rulebook
7 - Rule number forty nine is a total double entendre isn't it? Also I suspect the unscrupulous Coryn would totally definitely experiment on anyone he gets his hands on. Don't trust him.
8 - Eukocar's pep talk was my favourite of them all, personally. Especially since I'm playing a fighting game that requires that sort of wisdom.  Good stuff.
9 - Nitpick: I feel that steel doesn't 'bang' against eachother but rather 'clangs' or 'clashes'? I have no idea why but that's just the feel I get for it.
10 - Fro making a french woman blush is OP.
11 - There's nothing better than uniforms for your crew
12 - Haha the rapport between Fro and Mahlua is good sitcom material. Will capitalize on it in later future possible canon installments. Good dialogue in general from here on out. The training bits had some choppy descriptions here and there but did a good job introducing characters, but in the second part after all that was done with you really picked up with the flow and nailed the dialogue and stuff. Many props.
13 - Still super curious about the circumstances of the Mary situation especially in relation to the 'other friends'. Did they also feel close to Mary or not? Does Frono hate Mary or does he just want an explanation? Complicated stuff, good for an origin story too for sure. Glad that it led to the spawning of this division. There's so much juicy detail and potential for expansion.
14 - Chills at the MRFD chant. The 'And Raider...?' bit had chillsa down my spine and I chanted 'Is Legion!' along with the rest of them Good stuff. I love such scenes.
15 - Dat cliffhanger.
16 - The music is so 'Japanese fighting game' that it fits too well. My autoplay was on and the rest of the songs in the playlist fit quite well. Upbeat, but I could still feel the feels when necesssary.

General Thoughts

Comments 12 and 13 are basically all, but I've got to commend you on this piece, and you have to up that 'self-critique' rating just a little bit more, because, as you said, it's an achievement to finish this piece.
And that's not all. This entire work drips 'canon'. I hate to mention the fact like that because it makes it seem like you surgically inserted references to the MR Canon in the story. It's okay if that happened, but I feel everything here reads so organically that you truly are immersed in everything and know details at the drop of a hat. Great character introductions, great references and the dialogue flows quite well. The first part was quite choppy e.g

Things looked grim for Greentrap, yet her smile persisted. And from that smile opened her wide mouth, and from that mouth emerged her long frog like tongue. The tongue shot out and lashed out like a whip against the assaulting tendrils, smacking away every single one that lashed at her at supersonic speeds.

You went just a bit redundant there, and there were other places where you had a weird misstep while doing your thing with your style. I only point this out because you're usually ok at doing action more than dialogue, so it was strange that your only weakness in this whole story was that bit. But more power to you: Story trumps action a lot of the time.

All in all many props to ye Fro for writing and finishing this story. Shall we be seeing a sequel? Just curious.

Cheers.

Offline Coryn

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Re: MRverse: The Return of the Drifter
« Reply #71 on: August 15, 2018, 11:19:24 PM »
@lego: I wouldn't dare experiment on anyone who hasn't signed the waiver. I would, on the other hand, fill the rooms the trap doors lead to with the scariest looking things I can find.


A sequel must be in the works. A good friend like Fro wouldn't leave us hanging like that.  :devil:

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Offline Santa's Little Fro Elf

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Re: MRverse: The Return of the Drifter
« Reply #72 on: August 16, 2018, 08:16:01 PM »
Haha thanks a bunch Lego for the review. I'll respond to some of those points.

Fortis was the one who wrote his character wielding a glock, along with an assortment of other weapons that he informed me of. Though admittedly, yes, I am a fan of a good Ol' Glock as well.

Clang instead of bang would make more sense. I'll keep that in mind for future reference.

I think talking to Mahlua on Discord on the regular helped me a lot when it came to writing our dialogue exchanges. I'm big on dialogue in general, and usually I like to pay close attention to the way people speak in real life and incorporate those little intricacies of everyday speech into my writing whenever possible.

Yeah, pacing was and still is definitely a demon of mine when writing this piece, and in my writing in general. I personally hated the way Greentrap's portion came out the most out of everyone, and because I couldn't figure out how to write it better I left it as is. I do feel as though I'm getting close to figuring out how to maintain a consistent pace with my work, though. I just gotta keep writing and eventually it'll come to me.

Yeah, Fro's origin is definitely complicated stuff. The origin story is next on my list, and hopefully and I'll have everything mapped out by the time I decide to finally write it. If not, I'm perfectly fine throwing crap at a wall and seeing what sticks.

And as far as a sequel is concerned, I wouldn't call them direct sequels, but every MRverse story I plan to write from here on out (with a few exceptions of course) will continue this narrative I'm trying to tell. It's just that because what I have planned feels so ambitious and so big, I have to spread everything out into a multitude of stories that will ultimately lead into one final story that will change MRverse as we know it. Well, that's how I envision it at least lol.   
Messatsu...



Offline Coryn

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Re: MRverse: The Return of the Drifter
« Reply #73 on: August 16, 2018, 10:58:47 PM »
Lofty ambitions you got there Fro. Time will tell though eh? You never know how your thoughts will change in the future. Curious what you could mean about changing MR Canon as we know it though. Seems like a tall order.

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Offline Santa's Little Fro Elf

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Re: MRverse: The Return of the Drifter
« Reply #74 on: August 16, 2018, 11:14:20 PM »
Yeah pretty much man. Though, maybe "changing MRverse as we know it" might've been the wrong way to put it.
Maybe taking the universe in a different direction/doing some things that hasn't been done yet might be a more accurate statement. Eh, I got time to map things out. Certainly not something I'll be accomplishing within the next year, that's for sure.
Messatsu...