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Author Topic: Blodtorstig  (Read 73 times)

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Offline Canislupus54

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Blodtorstig
« on: November 26, 2017, 09:34:21 PM »
Spoiler
Lyssa is walking along a dirt road, nearing a small village surrounded by a high fence. There’s a large forest next to the village. She yawns.
Lyssa(thinking): Geez, I hope this town has a decent inn. If I have to sleep in some creepy farmer’s stables one more night, I am going to kill--er, have harsh words with the mayor!
Lyssa reaches the village gates and looks up at the guard manning them.
Guard: Identification.
Lyssa scowls at the guard.
Lyssa(thinking): Why do they always ask for that? It’s not like they can keep track of everybody in the kingdom anyway…
Lyssa pulls a slip of paper out of her bag and presents it.
The guard examines the paper.
Guard: Looks good. Welcome to Riverdon, Alyssa Crow.
Lyssa: Thank you, sir. Would you happen to know where I can find a good inn?
The guard laughs.
Guard: There’s only one good inn in this small town. The Restful Bull is just down the street on your left.
Lyssa: Thank you.
Lyssa walks down the street.
Close up on a sign with a faded picture of a bull on it.
Lyssa walks into the inn’s dining room. She sits down at a table. A waitress comes by.
Lyssa: I’ll have the steak and a cup of apple juice.
Two woman nearby are talking.
Woman#1: I sent my children out to get firewood at dawn and they still haven’t come back!
Woman#2: That’s horrible, hopefully the didn’t get lost in the White Forest.
Woman#1: Don’t even say such horrible things!
Lyssa(thinking): Don’t get involved, Lyssa. The children are already lost. Even if you got them back…
Lyssa stands up and runs out the door.
Waitress: Miss, your food!
Lyssa runs in the direction of the forest.
Lyssa(thinking): I sense a large amount of demonic energy from the forest. There must have been a huge battle here during the war…
Lyssa arrives in the forest. There’s a large man with a battle axe standing there looking around.
Man: Hey, you looking for the kids? Too bad, they’re my prey.
Lyssa: You’re going to kill them?
Man: Of course, they’ve been in the White Forest for hours. At their age they’ve turned for sure.
Lyssa: I won’t allow that.
Man: Then I’ll kill you!
The man charges at Lyssa and swings his axe down on her. She moves out of the way, draws her spear, and stabs him in the knee. The man swings again. Lyssa catches the blow on her spear and kicks the man in his wounded knee.
The man falls to the ground with a scream of pain. Lyssa stabs him in the head and walks away.
Lyssa arrives at an area with paper white trees. Lyssa’s eyes turn red with slit pupil while her hair turns pink.
A loud roar echoes through the forest. Lyssa grins in the direction it came from.
A large beast that appears to be a giant humanoid skeleton with black bones, walking on its knuckles like an ape comes charging from that direction.There are two lung like sacks of flesh inside its rib cage.
Lyssa grins wider.
Lyssa: Look at this! I came here looking for some brats and I get to fight a demic! I’ll take you on!
Lyssa leaps at the monster’s head and stabs at it with her spear. The monster catches the spear and throws Lyssa through a nearby tree.
Lyssa stands up and swings at the monster’s legs. The monster tries to block, but its arm shatters on impact.
Lyssa: Come on, don’t tell me that’s all you have!
Lyssa jumps up and brings her spear down on top of the monster’s skull. It opens its mouth and breathes fire on her. The fire clears to show Lyssa now has her horns. The monster claws at her, sending her flying into another tree. Lyssa wipes some blood away from a cut on her cheek. She looks at herself to see multiple shallow cuts. She grins.
Lyssa: Did you just make me bleed, you idiot? Do you know who I am!?
Blood floats out of Lyssa’s wounds and turns into more spears. The spears launch at the monster, destroying its arms and legs.
Lyssa walks up to the monster and smashes its skull with her main spear. The remainder of the monster dissolves away, revealing a boy and a girl where the sacks were. Lyssa slings one over each shoulder.
Lyssa: Let’s go, brats.
Lyssa arrives in the inn and presents the children to Woman#1.
Woman#1: What? You went in that forest and you’re fine. No, your eyes! You’re a demon!
Close up showing Lyssa’s eyes are still in demon mode.
Lyssa: Crap!
Background character: A demon? Then we better kill those kids too.
Woman#1: No, don’t kill my children!
Lyssa: Hahaha! You think I turned these children? They were so weak they’d barely make a snack, so I returned them! That’s all!
Lyssa runs out of the inn. She wipes tears from her eyes.
Lyssa(thinking): This is how it always is, after all.

Offline MahluaandMilk

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Re: Blodtorstig
« Reply #1 on: November 26, 2017, 09:44:32 PM »
Hmm...the fight scenes are quite well planned out and carry along fine; however, the pacing and tension make the piece feel a little weak. What I mean by that is, for example, first Lyssa overhears the conversation and tells herself not to get involved, and then she immediately starts running out. To show passage of time, it can be helpful to hold a moment a little longer, maybe have the character do something mundane while thinking about their next action. This happens again when she approaches the man with the axe. It feels jumpy and stereotypically evil, and the conversation doesn't offer much weight. You could try cutting the dialogue out there and have a show of actions. He raises the axe, she narrows her eyes, he grins and shakes his head...The last example is the ending. She got out of there pretty easily despite the revelation the villagers just had about their guest.

It's not a bad rough outline. You have the major points in there and a good point to focus on, and the theme of identity is presented well in the ending scene. It just needs a little tweaking and some more meat.

Hope this helps.
"My manner of thinking, so you say, cannot be approved. Do you suppose I care? A poor fool indeed is he who adopts a manner of thinking for others!"--Marquis de Sade
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Offline Canislupus54

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Re: Blodtorstig
« Reply #2 on: November 26, 2017, 10:52:31 PM »
Hmm...the fight scenes are quite well planned out and carry along fine; however, the pacing and tension make the piece feel a little weak. What I mean by that is, for example, first Lyssa overhears the conversation and tells herself not to get involved, and then she immediately starts running out. To show passage of time, it can be helpful to hold a moment a little longer, maybe have the character do something mundane while thinking about their next action. This happens again when she approaches the man with the axe. It feels jumpy and stereotypically evil, and the conversation doesn't offer much weight. You could try cutting the dialogue out there and have a show of actions. He raises the axe, she narrows her eyes, he grins and shakes his head...The last example is the ending. She got out of there pretty easily despite the revelation the villagers just had about their guest.

It's not a bad rough outline. You have the major points in there and a good point to focus on, and the theme of identity is presented well in the ending scene. It just needs a little tweaking and some more meat.

Hope this helps.

Thanks, that's helpful. I think I'll revise it tomorrow.

Offline Canislupus54

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Re: Blodtorstig
« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2017, 10:12:27 AM »
Revision addressing the three areas MahulaandMilk mentioned.

Spoiler
Lyssa is walking along a dirt road, nearing a small village surrounded by a high fence. There’s a large forest next to the village. She yawns.
Lyssa(thinking): Geez, I hope this town has a decent inn. If I have to sleep in some creepy farmer’s stables one more night, I am going to kill--er, have harsh words with the mayor!
Lyssa reaches the village gates and looks up at the guard manning them.
Guard: Identification.
Lyssa scowls at the guard.
Lyssa(thinking): Why do they always ask for that? It’s not like they can keep track of everybody in the kingdom anyway…
Lyssa pulls a slip of paper out of her bag and presents it.
The guard examines the paper.
Guard: Looks good. Welcome to Riverdon, Alyssa Crow.
Lyssa: Thank you, sir. Would you happen to know where I can find a good inn?
The guard laughs.
Guard: There’s only one good inn in this small town. The Restful Bull is just down the street on your left.
Lyssa: Thank you.
Lyssa walks down the street.
Close up on a sign with a faded picture of a bull on it.
Lyssa walks into the inn’s dining room. She sits down at a table. A waitress comes by.
Lyssa: I’ll have the steak and a cup of apple juice.
Two woman nearby are talking.
Woman#1: I sent my children out to get firewood at dawn and they still haven’t come back!
Woman#2: That’s horrible, hopefully the didn’t get lost in the White Forest.
Woman#1: Don’t even say such horrible things!
Lyssa(thinking): Don’t get involved, Lyssa. The children are already lost. Even if you got them back…
Lyssa’s food arrives and she starts eating.
Lyssa stands up and runs out the door.
Waitress: Miss, your food!
Lyssa runs in the direction of the forest.
Lyssa(thinking): I sense a large amount of demonic energy from the forest. There must have been a huge battle here during the war…
Lyssa arrives in the forest. There’s a large man with a battle axe standing there looking around.
Man: Hey, you looking for the kids? Too bad, they’re my prey.
Lyssa: You’re going to kill them?
Man: Of course, they’ve been in the White Forest for hours. At their age they’ve turned for sure.
Lyssa: I won’t allow that.
Man: Why’s that?
Lyssa: Because I know what it’s like.
The man raises an eyebrow.
Lyssa: Leave, now.
Man: Not a chance!
The man charges at Lyssa and swings his axe down on her. She moves out of the way, draws her spear, and stabs him in the knee. The man swings again. Lyssa catches the blow on her spear and kicks the man in his wounded knee.
The man falls to the ground with a scream of pain. Lyssa stabs him in the head and walks away.
Lyssa arrives at an area with paper white trees. Lyssa’s eyes turn red with slit pupil while her hair turns pink.
A loud roar echoes through the forest. Lyssa grins in the direction it came from.
A large beast that appears to be a giant humanoid skeleton with black bones, walking on its knuckles like an ape comes charging from that direction.There are two lung like sacks of flesh inside its rib cage.
Lyssa grins wider.
Lyssa: Look at this! I came here looking for some brats and I get to fight a demic! I’ll take you on!
Lyssa leaps at the monster’s head and stabs at it with her spear. The monster catches the spear and throws Lyssa through a nearby tree.
Lyssa stands up and swings at the monster’s legs. The monster tries to block, but its arm shatters on impact.
Lyssa: Come on, don’t tell me that’s all you have!
Lyssa jumps up and brings her spear down on top of the monster’s skull. It opens its mouth and breathes fire on her. The fire clears to show Lyssa now has her horns. The monster claws at her, sending her flying into another tree. Lyssa wipes some blood away from a cut on her cheek. She looks at herself to see multiple shallow cuts. She grins.
Lyssa: Did you just make me bleed, you idiot? Do you know who I am!?
Blood floats out of Lyssa’s wounds and turns into more spears. The spears launch at the monster, destroying its arms and legs.
Lyssa walks up to the monster and smashes its skull with her main spear. The remainder of the monster dissolves away, revealing a boy and a girl where the sacks were. Lyssa slings one over each shoulder.
Lyssa: Let’s go, brats.
Lyssa arrives in the inn and presents the children to Woman#1.
Woman#1: What? You went in that forest and you’re fine. No, your eyes! You’re a demon!
Close up showing Lyssa’s eyes are still in demon mode.
Lyssa: Crap!
Background character: A demon? Then we better kill those kids too.
Woman#1: No, don’t kill my children!
Lyssa: Hahaha! You think I turned these children? They were so weak they’d barely make a snack, so I returned them! That’s all!
Lyssa runs out of the inn.
Background character: Stop the demon!
The guard at the gate draws a bow and notches an arrow.
Lyssa runs him through with her spear.
She wipes tears from her eyes.
Lyssa(thinking): This is how it always is, after all.

Offline MahluaandMilk

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Re: Blodtorstig
« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2017, 11:01:30 AM »
That's a bit better, yeah. Great work! Sometimes it's all in the small things.

I don't know when I'd ever have the time, but I feel the urge to draw this out. I wouldn't do it as a business offer really, since I have no idea what kind of quality I'd put into it, but it seems like a nice, short comic to sketch out. Would you mind if I did so? It is your chapter, after all, and you could probably hire someone with more consistency and time than me whenever. I don't want to infringe...
"My manner of thinking, so you say, cannot be approved. Do you suppose I care? A poor fool indeed is he who adopts a manner of thinking for others!"--Marquis de Sade
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Offline Canislupus54

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Re: Blodtorstig
« Reply #5 on: November 27, 2017, 12:48:43 PM »
Go ahead. I may ask someone else to draw it in the future as a webcomic or something, but I see no harm in letting you draw it in the meantime.

Offline Canislupus54

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Re: Blodtorstig
« Reply #6 on: November 27, 2017, 02:41:17 PM »
Chapter 2: The Two Exorcists
Spoiler
Lyssa withdraws her spear from an Exorcist’s corpse.
Pan out to reveal that she’s surrounded by corpses in a open field.
She walks off the field into a nearby forest. She comes to a clearing.
A couple panels of her setting up camp.
Lyssa sits by the campfire eating a bowl of soup.
There’s a rustling from a bush.
Lyssa reaches for her spear.
A thirteen year old boy stumbles out of the bush.
Lyssa sighs and relaxes.
Boy: Hey, mind if I join you?
Lyssa: As long as you don’t mind joining me.
The boy sits down by the fire, humming happily to himself.
Lyssa: What brings someone so young out here alone?
Boy: I could ask you the same thing!
Lyssa gives the boy a skeptical look.
Boy: I ran away from home, okay?
Lyssa(smiling): I ran away from home once too, but I don’t think I ever got this far.
Boy: I doubt your family was like mine.
Lyssa: As do I. I’m sure you’ll return eventually. Home is--
Boy: I don’t need a lecture from a demon!
Lyssa grabs her spear and points it at the boy.
Lyssa(scowling): How do you know?
The boy looks at the ground, frowning.
Boy: Sorry, that was uncalled for. My brother is a big shot Exorcist, so I’ve picked up some things. But you didn’t seem like a bad person, so…
Lyssa lowers her spear.
Lyssa: Thank you. I saved some children, but there was a misunderstanding. Now there’s a bounty on my head.
Boy: That’s rough. So you’re lying low until things blow over?
Lyssa: More or less. You ran away to get out from under your brother’s shadow?
Boy: More or less. I’m Kyle Levias
Lyssa’s eyes widen in surprise.
Lyssa(thinking): The Levias family is a famous clan of Exorcists going back generations! I’m surprised he doesn’t have a fake identity ready...
Lyssa: I’m Alyssa Crow. My friends call me Lyssa.
Kyle: Pleasure to meet you.
Lyssa: Nice to meet you too!
A dagger comes flying at Lyssa’s face from the darkness. Lyssa moves her head out of the way.
Lyssa: You set me up!
Kyle: No, I had no idea I was followed!
An older man who resembles Kyle walks out of the darkness. He has a one-handed sword at his hip.
Man: Did you really think I wouldn’t find you, Kyle?
Kyle: Brother Isake!
Isake: I will kill this demon, then punish you for consorting with her.
Kyle: Brother, no!
Isake walks between Lyssa and Kyle.
Isake: I do not appreciate you bewitching my younger brother, demoness.
Lyssa: I don’t appreciate being accused of things I didn’t do.
Isake is suddenly right in front of Lyssa. He draws his sword to strike. Lyssa blocks it with her spear. Lyssa tries to knee Isake in the stomach, but he disappears.
Isake reappears behind Lyssa and tries to stab her in the back. She rolls forward to avoid it. She spins around and stabs at Isake with her spear. He dodges and strikes at her horizontally. She back flips away, but he clips her left arm. She grins when she lands. The blood from the wound forms a spike that rushes to stab Isake. Isake moves out of the way, but gets a shallow cut on his left arm.
Lyssa: Looks like I’ll have to take you seriously.
Lyssa’s hair turns pink, her eyes turn red with slit pupils, and she grows her horns.
Isake: I’ll have to fight you with maybe a quarter of my power.
Lyssa and Isake walk toward each other. They stop a couple feet apart. Close up of Isake looking neutral. Close up of Lyssa grinning.
Suddenly, the fire goes out, the ground cracks and the trees surrounding the clearing explode.
Kyle: This is insane! Just from their raw power!?
Lyssa stabs at Isake. Isake dodges to Lyssa’s left. Lyssa turns the spear to hit him with the shaft. Isake blocks with his sword. A knife comes flying out of Lyssa’s wound. Isake drops to the ground to avoid it and Lyssa kicks him in the face. Isake goes flying away, but recovers in midair and lands on his feet.
Lyssa runs forward and swings at him. He parries and they are interlocked for a moment. The knife comes flying back, about to hit Isake in the side of the head. Isake tilts his head, getting only a shallow cut and sweeps Lyssa’s feet out from under her. He stabs at her. She manages to block with her spear but is sent flying away. She lands on the ground and rolls for a panel, then stops on her back.
Isake appears standing over her with his sword ready to stab down.
Lyssa sweeps at his legs with her spear, but he jumps over it. Lyssa flips onto all fours and jumps up, stabbing Isake in the chest with her horns.
Isake looks surprised and coughs up blood.
Isake grabs Lyssa’s right horn and forces her away, then prepares his sword for a horizontal strike. Lyssa knees him in the stomach. She kicks him away.
Isake stands and glares at Lyssa with one arm covering his wounds.
Lyssa’s grin is very wide.
Lyssa: Don’t feel bad, it’s natural to make mistakes when you’re that badly wounded!
Isake’s wounds glow. He moves his arm out of the way to reveal his wounds have healed.
Isake: I underestimated you twice. It won’t happen a third time.
Isake vanishes.
Suddenly he’s kneeing Lyssa in the face. She goes flying backwards and hits a tree. Isake appears again and punches her in the face, sending her flying through several trees.
Lyssa recovers and lands on her feet. She still slides backwards for a panel. Isake appears above her and comes down with an overhead strike.
Lyssa blocks  with her spear and twists to hit Isake in the side of the head with the shaft. Isake is knocked over, but catches himself jumps to his feet. He stabs at Lyssa. She parries but steps backwards to do it.
Kyle runs onto the battlefield with a worried look on his face.
Kyle: This is bad, she’s totally being pushed back.
Lyssa swings at Isake with her spear. He catches the spear by the shaft and stabs Lyssa in the stomach. He kicks her, sending her flying through several more trees. She stops near a cliff with a waterfall. The wound on her stomach closes up and her eyes’ sclera turn black. Her nails sharpen into claws. She looks up and snarls.
Isake calmly walks up. He has a small smirk on his face.
Isake: Looks like I overestimated you the third time.
Suddenly he’s impaled on Lyssa’s spear through the stomach. Lyssa is laughing hysterically.
Lyssa: Hahaha! Don’t think for a second you could beat me!
Lyssa withdraws her spear and claws at Isake’s face, giving him long claw marks on his cheek. Isake kicks Lyssa away, the throws a dagger at her. She goes flying backwards off the cliff. She reverts to human form as she falls.
Lyssa(thinking): I guess I should have run away...

Offline Canislupus54

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Re: Blodtorstig
« Reply #7 on: November 27, 2017, 05:19:00 PM »
By the way, MahluaandMilk, if you need a description of Lyssa, I left one here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,1923.msg289110.html#msg289110