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Author Topic: Black Soul (Short Story)  (Read 60 times)

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Offline YoUr EyEs

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Black Soul (Short Story)
« on: November 21, 2017, 11:34:10 AM »
This is only a one chapter short story~

Enjoy~!

Spoiler


Blank, this was her most fitting trait, feared and threatend, the woman, wondered most of the time if she had the right to call herself a woman or a man, she even wondered if she was even human to begin with. She was faceless, at least, where she was supposed to have her face was pure black, although, she was able to hide a part of it with her amazingly long hair and adding a mask on her face but, again, it would gave people to be doubtful on whoever that would dress as such.



Mary, was that her name? For some reason, it felt like it, yet, where did it came from? Who had given her that name? Her parents? Could someone like her even have a family? That was her pending question that she couldn't find an answer.



She had secluded herself from society, living in a cave, feeding on whatever came under her hands, insects, plants and sometimes even dirt, she didn't understand the mechanism to her being able to eat but, it seemed that her hunger disappeared whenever she approached something from her face, it simply vanishes into the darkness that she had to support.



There were countless times when she was even scared of herself, not knowing One's identity was frightening, where did she belonged to? Was there a different world for her to escape? This was, at the very least, another time where she wondered about herself, how many times had she questioned herself?



On a rainy day, she knew that from hearing the drops colliding with the puddles on the ground, it was unusual, her sadness and questionings had vanished, she felt at ease. Was the clouds crying the tears that she couldn't have, maybe this was all part of herself, it was as if she could finally forget whatever she was.



On the last day, Mary couldn't handled the loneliness she had, how long was it since she last hear or felt another human being? Fifteen years? It was probably a little longer. On this particular day, she had "eaten" a wolf, her partner, it had joined her two days, on her birthday or rather the birthday she had picked, Mary was able to talk to Emma, the wolf, but, without expecting an answer or anything, she felt that the animal could understand her pain and she could comprehend her companion's feelings.



The pain that she felt was too much for her to handle on her own, she went out of her cave, sadly enough, she feel to her death voluntarily, as she felt the breeze one last time, she was able to smile with her beautiful face.





If only Mary hadn't gave up, she would have been able to see her own beautiful face.

Offline Forlorn Serpent

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Re: Black Soul (Short Story)
« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2017, 11:46:01 AM »
You failed! You used a gif you already used!  :noyoudon't:

Now, your story.

How do you want me to critique it?

Issues i have with story.
1) not keeping the same tense
2) a narrator asking too many questions
3) plot wise, she went from a cave to outside the cave. That’s it.
4) why is it so depressing!!!!!!! Meaning, you need to balance it so the depressing stuff is highlighted when next to happy moments.
5) you can stretch it out by having Mary do more than just walk. The story might flow better if the wolf part was during the story, and not just a memory.
« Last Edit: November 21, 2017, 12:33:00 PM by Forlorn Serpent »

Offline YoUr EyEs

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Re: Black Soul (Short Story)
« Reply #2 on: November 21, 2017, 12:15:37 PM »
You failed! You used a gif you already used!  :noyoudon't:


I thought that I already re-used some of them tho?



Now, your story.

How do you want me to critique it?

(Saved for notes)
I do not know exactly how, it's my first time writing one but, I would appreciate any type of critique~



Offline Forlorn Serpent

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Re: Black Soul (Short Story)
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2017, 12:40:47 PM »
Added my notes. Please don’t yell at me.


Offline YoUr EyEs

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Re: Black Soul (Short Story)
« Reply #4 on: November 21, 2017, 03:20:44 PM »
Added my notes. Please don’t yell at me.




I won't, promise~!