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Author Topic: I need any feed whether it be completely negative or positive  (Read 172 times)

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Offline Decider

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I need any feed whether it be completely negative or positive
« on: November 04, 2017, 06:57:52 AM »
I need opinions on this prologue please feel completely comfortable to give any feedback whether it be positive feedback or negative feedback. Tell me what I am doing wrong in trying to create my own manga and what I must do to increase my level of success. Do appreciate it. The setting and theme etc... will be presented later on after I confirm that this is a not so bad prologue.

Disclaimer: Abaron does not know about any of this

                            Description:

There were 5 factions/races that lived in different realms. There were two factions they were called the gods and demons and were at war constantly. Both despised each other and try to eliminate the other one at any moment or chance they could get. The power of both factions cause extreme destruction to dimensions of other factions and so both withdraw for a couple centuries. Deep within the demon realm was a staff that held the power of all previous demon lords. This ancient staff was the sole power of the demon faction and in the wrong hands it can destroy everything. It was kept away as a trump card, just in case they needed it to protect their entire realm. Only their hierarchy’s knew of this staff and it’s power. They kept this a secret for many eons and didn’t want any other faction or even their people to know such a power exist in this world. Not many could wield this power only a selective bloodline of demon lords had enough power to wield the staff.Till an incident of we’re the staff  was stolen and the god faction was blamed for this by the nobles and hierarchy’s. All hell broke loose and both factions were back to war with more capabilities then before and ready to destroy everyone and anything that got in their ways including other factions. A relationship between a demon and a god was strictly forbidden in both factions and the punishment for this crime was absolute death. Not even the demon lord himself could escape this fate. Yet the Demon Lord knew of this and despite that he could not control his feelings and fell in love with a God who sat on the council and had mutual feelings for him. They spent many years together secretly and birthed a child that held immense power that rivaled their own by ten folds. They cherished him dearly and decided to name him abaron that stood for strong and all powerful. Many found out about this child and the power he had deep inside him, some wanted to destroy this boy and others wanted to strip him of the power that dwelled inside his body. His mother was ordered to lead the attack on the demon realm and kill her only child. She refused then killed all the members of the council and fled to the demon realm so she could be with her lover and newborn child. The other gods found out about this treason and led an assault team to exterminate her, the child, and the demon lord. The demon lord called upon two of his most trusted servants to take their child to the human realm and keep him safe and away from the god realm and demon realm. Shortly after his servants departure many gods and demons attacked and successfully killed his mother and father.



   
« Last Edit: November 04, 2017, 07:47:33 PM by Decider »

Offline Forlorn Serpent

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Re: I need any feed whether it be completely negative or positive
« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2017, 10:40:00 AM »
Positive notes: you really have a set background story and  world information.

Negative notes: the prologue reads as an information dump instead of grabbing the reader. You either have to get rid of it  and just start the story or expand it so it reads a like a mini story before the first chapter.


Also, if this is to be turned into a manga, how would the prologue work? Would it be a Ch. 0 chapter?

Offline Lazzie_Puca

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Re: I need any feed whether it be completely negative or positive
« Reply #2 on: November 04, 2017, 11:32:24 AM »
Positive notes: you really have a set background story and  world information.

Negative notes: the prologue reads as an information dump instead of grabbing the reader. You either have to get rid of it  and just start the story or expand it so it reads a like a mini story before the first chapter.


Also, if this is to be turned into a manga, how would the prologue work? Would it be a Ch. 0 chapter?
Pretty much this ...^

It may be worth leaving some of these details out and having the characters explain some of this in dialogue along the way, preferably during times when it is relevant to what is happening at the moment.

Offline Decider

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Re: I need any feed whether it be completely negative or positive
« Reply #3 on: November 04, 2017, 07:43:54 PM »
Ok thank you I’ve gotten many of the same Feedback from others and will most likely change it up and use it for later on in the story.

Offline Decider

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Re: I need any feed whether it be completely negative or positive
« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2017, 07:46:21 PM »
Positive notes: you really have a set background story and  world information.

Negative notes: the prologue reads as an information dump instead of grabbing the reader. You either have to get rid of it  and just start the story or expand it so it reads a like a mini story before the first chapter.


Also, if this is to be turned into a manga, how would the prologue work? Would it be a Ch. 0 chapter?



Also do you have any tips and advice on how I should start the dialogue based on the background information provided

Offline legomaestro

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Re: I need any feed whether it be completely negative or positive
« Reply #5 on: November 04, 2017, 09:24:12 PM »
Do the demons call themselves demons or are they just an alien race that humans don't understand? What about the gods?

What's the difference between the two in terms of looks?

Did the mother and father at least try to hide themselves? How come they were successfully attacked and such?

Anyhow, welcome to mangaraiders sir.

Offline Vacant

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Re: I need any feed whether it be completely negative or positive
« Reply #6 on: November 04, 2017, 11:12:52 PM »
Yeah my thoughts echo much the same as the others. It doesn't exactly read as a prologue, its just exposition. That's not bad to get onto paper though, as you can use that info for your story. Rather than just repeating what others said though, here's some ideas on how to kickstart your story:

          Info dump. The closest to what you've done already. Look at One Piece, Naruto, Fairy Tail etc. (most shonen come to think of it) and they typically have this. The first page or two are dedicated to setting up the world and the big legend/hero that's relevant to the plot. It can be frowned upon, as it is a bit of a cheap way of delivering information to your reader, but its quick and effective if done right.

          Or, perhaps you could go with the prologue being the moment the child is given to the two servants and follow the parents last moments. It would start with action and immediately conjure up questions to a reader, such as why this baby was being targeted, who the enemy were and such. This could still deliver info to the reader, but be a more enjoyable experience. Then chapter one could hard cut to the boy however many years later.

          Last one i could think of. I assume his servants are still tending to him. Perhaps the gods and demons thing could be a bedtime story they used to tell the child as a kid. Something that he thought wasnt true due to him being "human" or thinking he was anyway. This way the reader is given the information and we'd learn it was all real. Perhaps in the first chapter an assassin comes to tackle the child and his servants show off their powers, revealing the truth to the main protagonist.

 Thats all I can think of right now, but good luck with the story and welcome to mr! :D   

Offline Decider

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Re: I need any feed whether it be completely negative or positive
« Reply #7 on: November 05, 2017, 03:40:32 AM »
Yeah my thoughts echo much the same as the others. It doesn't exactly read as a prologue, its just exposition. That's not bad to get onto paper though, as you can use that info for your story. Rather than just repeating what others said though, here's some ideas on how to kickstart your story:

          Info dump. The closest to what you've done already. Look at One Piece, Naruto, Fairy Tail etc. (most shonen come to think of it) and they typically have this. The first page or two are dedicated to setting up the world and the big legend/hero that's relevant to the plot. It can be frowned upon, as it is a bit of a cheap way of delivering information to your reader, but its quick and effective if done right.

          Or, perhaps you could go with the prologue being the moment the child is given to the two servants and follow the parents last moments. It would start with action and immediately conjure up questions to a reader, such as why this baby was being targeted, who the enemy were and such. This could still deliver info to the reader, but be a more enjoyable experience. Then chapter one could hard cut to the boy however many years later.

          Last one i could think of. I assume his servants are still tending to him. Perhaps the gods and demons thing could be a bedtime story they used to tell the child as a kid. Something that he thought wasnt true due to him being "human" or thinking he was anyway. This way the reader is given the information and we'd learn it was all real. Perhaps in the first chapter an assassin comes to tackle the child and his servants show off their powers, revealing the truth to the main protagonist.

 Thats all I can think of right now, but good luck with the story and welcome to mr! :D

Thanks I appreciate the help and you’ve also given me idea on how to start it up and thanks for welcoming me.

Offline Decider

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Re: I need any feed whether it be completely negative or positive
« Reply #8 on: November 05, 2017, 03:42:07 AM »
Do the demons call themselves demons or are they just an alien race that humans don't understand? What about the gods?

What's the difference between the two in terms of looks?

Did the mother and father at least try to hide themselves? How come they were successfully attacked and such?

Anyhow, welcome to mangaraiders sir.

Well I haven’t got that far in writing because I didn’t want to continue on with it if it wasn’t interesting and hooking the reader but I decided I will use some of this to start off the manga then let the MC develope and learn all this later on in the story and thanks for welcoming me as well :)

Offline MadOxMalachi

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Re: I need any feed whether it be completely negative or positive
« Reply #9 on: November 05, 2017, 08:34:29 PM »
This reminds me of the story written by sherrilyn kenyon titled archeon. I think it might serve you as a guide.

Offline araithiel

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Re: I need any feed whether it be completely negative or positive
« Reply #10 on: November 08, 2017, 10:31:28 PM »
As a general rule, you never need prologues. They're extra stuff that exists outside the main narrative people can skip. So I would generally say avoid them.

That said, manga have this god-awful habit of opening to some sort of quick explanation of what the hell is going on. Usually all of the best, most memorable manga and anime explicitly lack those, but I do see where they would come from. While I might hate them and think they're cheap/lousy/bad writing, they're common practice, and there's tons of amazing manga that open with some quick background narration or a couple pages/panels of "in this world, demons rose up from the yaddy yaddy and took over the world in 19XX and now there are demon hunters, a generation born with blah blah, who can kill the demons." They do it all the time so I would say they get a pass, sort of (curse you Assassination Classroom!).

In this particular case, there's a lot of information there that I don't think is relevant to the main plot, whatever the main plot is, because there's just no way someone would need all of that, in all that detail, to comprehend a narrative. Even in the example above that I hate, it's often just a page before a title card, or some panels. It's just some quick info to say "listen, in this world you're jumping into, people can shapeshift into different animals and that's all you need to know ok let's go!"

Nobody could possibly need a complete, detailed, intricate history. It's actually very likely in the course of a story, most of that information never comes up and is never revealed because the only information you need to give readers is the bare minimum to get them through the narrative and to grasp why someone is doing what they're doing. It can be really disappointing as a writer to build a fanciful world of rich lore with an intricate history that never gets to be mentioned in the actual story, but it is kind of how it goes. This often leads to appendixes or Pottermore or that kind of stuff (also opens the gates to fan theories!).

But it is super useful to have that information. Like toss it from the story but keep it in the background because it will inform you as a writer when you're making decisions. Why would they build a particular fortress a certain way? Because back in the day X and Y happened. So on, you get the idea. That information may never surface to readers, but is always useful to the author to help bring their world to life so they can better write about it.
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Offline MadOxMalachi

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Re: I need any feed whether it be completely negative or positive
« Reply #11 on: November 09, 2017, 07:35:40 AM »
A quick explaination about what the hell is going on aka introducing the problem, well that's damn good writing.