, before getting into discussing the review, just wanted to say thanks a ton! I really do appreciate this level of care in analysing my work, I’ve been looking for someone to take my work and try and pick it apart like this, it helps a ton as a writer!
Some things I don’t bring up because I don’t want my responses to feel repetitive, and a lot of things that answer one question, for the most part, explain another as well.
Also, I felt that some may have just been small nit picks, so I decided to focus on the questions and major issues brought up.
I’ll answer everything in order, and list the response I'm referring to below:
1.
*
A suggestion
instead of Yuki saying exposition of the dream being---
“after all these years, does it still haunt me”
why not instead just have her expression tell the story?
If it's “Haunting” as in recurring then perhaps having her eyes suddenly open up
Her expression of fear is only brief as it fades into a weary sigh
It would imply this is a haunting dream but also something she has dealt with for a long while
But also leave it ambiguous to whether this is just a recurring nightmare or perhaps a flashback
Without having her to boldface tell the audience that this was her past
And
Action
A suggestion
Instead of telling the audience how bothered she is by her dream
Why not show her doing the chores as she was
But with each chore her expression becomes more lost in thought
Before she shakes her head and looks for a distraction
Thus the tv and chips bit
*
Before answering a this, allow my to provide some context to myself and the team. When I wrote the script, it was about 2016, so that’s when I formed a team of about 4 artists and myself. As we moved towards mid 2018 I began about a 5 or 6 month long break from writing the manga. As these things go, the artist who did the section right after the dream prologue will no longer be working on the manga, which is a shame. However this allows us to re work that portion specifically, as we want the art to flow better from page to page. I will definitely rewrite this section, as I struggled with it a lot when first writing it, and I will take your critique into consideration!
Action=understandable i look forward to the rework^^
2.
*
Action
“There seems to be no end to this new crime wave, with every passing day the crime rate must be skyrocketing”.
“a local, small shop has been ravaged and cleaned out”
As it's implied there is a crime wave
And the words “rebuilding our nation” implies a great event with the supers has occurred
Then why has the world yet adapted?
The news talks about the police but nothing about supervillains
Nor the military who is training young crime fighters
It's treating it as world like our own
While later on we learn that the majority of the public have super powers
Seeing that Yuki is older than 9 years old and has super strength due to the tree
What kind of precedence do either the police or the military have?
Seeing that there is a crime wave they are unable to deter and is growing bigger
It's become so known that even a shut in like Yuki knows about them
And jokes around about joining them
But later on we learn the city she visits is well known for its academy of superhuman justice force
So obviously it's been established for quite some time
But how can it be well known if crime has not decreased but increased?
It's strange how such a society has not been consumed by anarchy especially after that line of rebuilding our nation
*
I’m glad you picked up on how strange it is that even though there was an established legal system in a city like Toaru, which is held in high prestige for its well trained military students, there still seems to be a spike in crime. Although it’s a bit spoiler heavy, there is an explanation for this. To put it simply, as to not spoil anyone who may take interest in this commentary, it is possible that many things could influence the crime rate, whether it be a corrupt system of power, or lack of trust in the pre-established system. Toaru is a big city, filled with vastly different people. Many of those people are visionaries, who want to see things done their way. Place this kind of ambition in the wrong (or in some cases right) hands, and you can get a power struggle for dominance in the city, both on an underground level and a professional level. It hasn’t been touched upon yet, but there are many factions outside of Feilio’s gang, ClaW, and Dragon University, both legal and illegal. As the manga progresses, their motives will become clear.
Also,
The tree is a key plot point, hold onto that.
Action=fantastic^^ I figured this was more than a surface layer^^ i look forward to how it develops^^
Suggestion
Perhaps it can be noted early on^^
Such as in the news report
Could use the word of “another” crime syndicate
Implying that there are more than one
Perhaps could use a ambiguous line such as
As of now police are working tirelessly to find the correlation as to the recent surge of criminal activity
Although their forces are spread thin, you can help by registering or reporting those with--[tv shuts off]
Showing some sort of measure of this word adapting^^
3.
*
If this Claw gang is so skilled and so confident they won't get caught
Why not rob a bank?
It's apparent they don't want to be discrete or otherwise they would not leave their name all over
And seeing it was only for financial gain wouldn't robbing a area with a less concentration of police and superheros be a better option?
Rather then robbing small stores right next to the law?
It's just more risk for less reward
Furthermore
If this crime spree is on the rise and apparently it centers around robbing for monetary gain
Store owner vs Thug
Hitachi vs Thug
Robbed store vs Claw
All centered around money and valuables
So wouldn’t the cops keep a special eye on business districts? Seeing at most crime is centered on that end?
*
To this, I will say keep an eye out as ClaW’s members are introduced in more detail. While their leader may not agree with this sort of vandalism, this falls into the personality of one sole member in particular, who personally feels he has no trouble taking on the law enforcement in Toaru. He also doesn't do it for monetary gain, but more for his own amusement. Also, It hasn’t been said outright, but for the sake of commentary, Teddy and Shake are two of the four members in ClaW, and neither of them did this (Shake was at the scene of the crime, but it was who he was with who commited the crime.)
And
There are small time thugs, like the one Yuki takes down, who do it for monetary gain. For this, lower ranked classes at Dragon University and newbie cops handle it. These thugs really aren't an issue, they are just taking advantage of the crime spike.
Action=could use such a act to make intrigue ^^
Perhaps the place was ravaged but nothing was stolen
Or
Perhaps what was stolen was something that sole member just likes but is rather cheap
Like gum
Pens
Boxes
Or soda haha
Would give a hint of personality to the sole member ^^
4.
*
If yuki dislikes going into town with people so much
Then why does she only buy so little?
It just forces her to do it frequently
We see later the city runs normal so it's not like a food shortage
And seeing how casual she is about getting food apparently she has money to pay for it
So why wouldn’t she buy as much food as possible and stay in her home in the woods?
*
Honestly, this was just a set up to get Yuki to run into Bryan. While she hates being around people, shes smart enough to know she’d probably go crazy if she locked herself in her mansion. (+2 points to me for the improvised Character Motive BS
)
Action=perhaps it could be implied then^^ or at least hinted at
Such as perhaps there is food left but yuki goans
Then silence
Yuki looks away and says
Well i got no choice
guess i better get food running low ect.
Implying what you said above
Obviously she has food
But feels the need to make a excuse to herself to do something she does not like
But also knows she can shut herself in for much longer
So is willing to lie to go outside and mingle haha
5.
*
If this is set in modern times seeing as there's a TV electricity and other common appliances we have today
why is there a gang of woodland thugs?
if crime is on the rise meaning more thugs are getting bold
Why is this gang hanging out in a place where not much people go through?
It's not like there afraid to get caught seeing as it's later established that they are only a mile away from a town swarming with cops and a superhero academy
So why are they here?
*
The thugs are located out of the city’s law enforcement’s jurisdiction. It's safer and easier to get away if things get dicey. Also, the thug was discussing a small part of a much larger gang, they are not strictly based in the forested area, they are simply there the catch travelers like Hitachi.
Also
The modern mixed with these more barbaric, fantasy styled encounters is, again, tied to the Talent Tree. I would explain, but that would spoil a lot ;3
Action=Then perhaps have the location a bit further then a mile^^
If there is a crime wave and this area is abit out of reach then it's understandable why the cops cant just comb the area^^
Perhaps 5-6 hours away^^
6.
*
Why did the thug bother talking to Hitachi?
the thug clearly shows he has no issue getting violent
which fits the theme of a world in chaos
That he could kill hitachi and know a dead body won't be found
so why would this Amoral thug waste his breath threatening and warning someone he plans to rob and/or kill? Especially if there is no consequence due to his location
*
He’s just a bad thug, like the man in the convenience store. As Yuki points out, anyone with a Talent, the majority of the population, could easily take them down. These rookie type thugs are appearing more due to the crime spike. Which I should mention began not long before the Manga starts, and is explained in detail later.
Action=awsome^^ but wouldn't rookie thugs try to do something that could give them a edge in case they fight a super?^^
Even if this spike is recent it seems to be well known enough for people to be aware^^
7.
*
a small question
Yuki just left her home that you establish in the woods
I assume you have that location to explain why she has not yet been bothered by the crime wave
but seeing as this takes place within the same day just how far are these woods and a giant bustling city to be within walking distance apparently?
*
The city is surrounded by this wooded area, with the wooded area leading to other small villages and towns, but none as big and thriving as Toaru. This is due to the presence of the Science Talent based Regold Inc., whos HQ is located in the city. They are introduced a little bit in chapter 2, and right after the Exam mini set up Arc wraps up. The second real mission Alpha team (Yuki, Bryan, and Hitachi) are assigned centers around protecting that HQ from ClaW, and during this mission a lot is explained about the sudden and rapid growth of technology and the influence in the city.
Action=then perhaps it might need to have that implied just abit^^
Like yuki looking around seeing a new building being made
As well as other developments ect
And since so many supers are around
Perhaps show recruiters who want the talented to join the military to help hold back the crime wave
8.
*
This is a recurring issue
With the establishment of a crime wave and even the earlier bit of stores being robbed
And on top of that, not only are most getting away scott free
But We later learn there are super powered villains
So Why is there no effect on this world?
It's seems so casual
There is no security
No extra police patrols
The stores and shops don't even have a means to defend themselves against a normal thug much less a super powered one
Despite all the exposition that the crime is happening right next door to them
They do nothing to prevent it
*
The crime wave is fairly recent, although crime has been a recurring issue in the city. Talents becoming more dominant in the big city, being linked to opportunities in the economy, and the sudden growth of its economy are mainly to blame. The rapid growth leaves little to no time for properly regulating the streets. That is why a school like Dragon University exists, to help prevent these crimes from occurring.
Action=but if the crime spike is fairly recent how could the DU be know so well?
What could they be doing so well for so long that would make them so well known and even feared by other crooks?
A suggestion would be instead of the crime wave or that crime is on the rise
Perhaps have it happen in the next chapter
You say the public does not have time to counteract but what actions have they done to prevent it at all?^^
Even if it was not a crime wave and most supers were kind people
Did the world just leave them be?
Perhaps have the development tone and casual vibe you did at the center
Then when Yuki joins the DU
Suddenly their is a crime wave
Fast and powerful
We will see the struggle through yuki and her teams eyes
How they get spread thin and the hectic and suden change of this CLaw clan
Instead of it being told to us^^
This would imply the DU was doing good keeping up with normal crime until today in CH1 when the claw appear
9.
*
The police must be spread thin for the thug to be bold enough to rob a store in broad daylight
But what about the super heros? Where are they?
*
The police and the Officers (Students trained by the school) are spread thin due to the spike in crime, so it’s impossible for them to be everywhere at once. Also, while the Police can respond immediately, the Officers function on a case by case system. For example, let’s say Yuki didn’t stop the thief and he got away. The usual protocol would be the clerk calling the police, and if the police can’t respond fast enough to the crime, or if an Officer is in the immediate area, the Officer is asked to handle the situation. Or, in the case of Black Ops (Class 0 [Alpha and Bravo Team], ) They will receive reports in class and investigate longer running issues instead of small crime like shown in this first chapter. Handling these investigations counts towards their class grade, where as most classes in the school spend half of their day studying, and the other half doing field work like this thief.
Action=not quite sure i follow
Because not all talented are in the DU
As Yuki says most people have powers now
Yet in the entire scuffle
In the forest and the Giant city
Only 2 show their powers
Hitachi i could understand it's a 50/50
But with Yuki being in a city?
And the cops that showed up not one had a power to secure the area or anything?
Esp?
Energy barrier?
Super speed?
The way Yuki explains it
powers are random
But we only see one in a giant city full of people
It may be a issue with Yuki saying most have powers now
Perhaps if it was a smaller amount the city bit would be normal
But in a world of supers
Only power is displayed
10.
*
then why doesn't he?
Hes bold enough to rob a store with just a hoodie
Without covering his face or his man beard
So it seems he doesn't care if he is recognized
It really doesn't feel like the police or the superheros have any presence or effect in this world
or
He just plans to kill them to keep his identity a secret
Still with most crimes happening all over
Would he even get caught?
*
As Yuki picks up on, the thief didn’t really have the guts or the intention to kill anyone. Your correct in assuming he could have easily shot out the store from afar and gotten away free, but the man was in a rush, and instead he was careless. His plan was to rush in, scare the clerk into giving him the money, and rush out, much like how most small time robberies are in the real world.
Action=I understand
But
It falls to reason because in our world we don't have powers
Just guns and blades
So when a crook robs in our world
Both sides are on equal footing if they have one or the other
In your world
People can have any sort of powers
Sure a crime spree could rally up thugs
But now the game has changed
It seems this is a throw away thug to showcase Yuki K.O
Perhaps a suggestion
The thug robs but with no weapon
Just a threat to give up the cash
The clerk pulls out a weapon
And Any would do
Does not even need to be a gun
Even if it's a bat
or a rolled up newspaper
It shows that he was prepared for conflict in one way or another
The clerk attacks
The thug is unaffected
Thug reveals a random power
Clerks one and only defence is gone but hey he tried
Yuki steps in
Events proceed
Perhaps during the arrest they log in the thugs powers and hull him off with some power cancel thing or some sort or restraint
So we see the makings of worlds evolution as well as the vast difference of a human vs a talent
Also shows the cops doing something to contain and counteract the supers who wont obey the law
11.
*
Why does she buy so less the before?
It's established she's out of food and dislikes interacting with people
How long would a bar last her?
*
I feel that I have answered this, but for a bit more context, Yuki Isn’t a complete shut-in. She hates interaction with people, but she can hold her own in society. She also has a tendency to do things on the spot, hence the purchase of a bar, even though she went out for chips. In her mind, she just wanted another set of snacks, she didn’t care much for what it was in the end.
Action=but that's the thing
It's not a issue that she can handle herself in public
Most people can, they just pretend to be pleasant until you go away
Or in yuki’s case interact when she has too such as the store
It's how you write her hating interaction with others
The intent is clear
So it adds up that she would talk to the guy for the almighty snacks
But why would she seek it out?
A suggestion
Perhaps with Bryan he has some sort of charm
Funny
Pleasant voice
Funny face
Or something that interest her to some degree that would show she enjoys talking to him in some degree
Perhaps she just enjoys him praising her or something
And all the clerk had to offer did not interest Yuki in the slightest or just bored her
12.
*
Who called the cops?
The gun was not fired
Only the thug thrown out the window
And suddenly the cops arrive?
How can they be so quick to a crime but are also powerless to deter it?
Do the super heros not have any involvement?
Plus would this cause a issue?
It's not like the clerk does not know Yuki
Apparently she's their favorite
So Yuki shops there often it seems
So wouldn't the clerk be able to tell a lot of details about her?
What's more he now knows she's one of the talented
A superhuman
Do the police or military not care about a super humans not in the military or living in the city?
But clearly seems to be able to act violently hense the thug?
Does this world not have some system that could keep track of superhumans and their powers?
It's understandable for villains to not be in the system
That's why their extra dangerous
But wouldn't that go for other superheroes as well?
*
I love this set of questions, because I do have things in place to answer most of these later on. First of all, it's implied that the store clerk alerts the police off camera (meaning its not shown, off camera is just really the only way I know how to word it haha, must be my video class lessons kicking in.) This is implied much better in the actual artwork for the chapter, as Yuki asks the question to buy the chips and bar, and then is shown on the next page walking away from the store, and she had already made the purchase.
Second, I think it’s answered a little bit after this event, but it’s implied that a lot of people have Talents. The world, therefore, is centered around Talents. There are systems in place to track most talents (Think of a less strict Psycho Pass legal system, where they have most people on record, but not everyone.) The Principal and founder of Dragon University, Hirigo, explains this later, and he has connections to the government that runs the nation their in. This allows him to keep track of his students, and brings up key plot points about both Yuki and Hirigo (I think I hint this plot point in Ch. 2 or Ch. 3 a little bit, while they are still in the hospital.) The not keeping track of some individuals is, again, linked back to the growth of Toaru. A lot of people easily slipped through the cracks as the government set up their dominance.
Action=happy to hear^^
Well perhaps the clerk just has a panic button, or flickers his store lights for attention while talking to the thug
Not like the thug would be able to tell
Just the people outside
But how long has the system been in place? In psycho pass there were very few who were outside the radar
But the cause and effect on that world was the Morality of the cops
If what they did actully was the core problem
The world adapted and almost lived in fear of both the crooks and cops
Plus they had those walking sanity bots
It created a very tense edge to the story
That's what i meant by how some parts show adaption while others do not
Their is a man who works with the government in a ever growing city and has a system in place that has many individuals on record
They show adaptation to these super humans
But in all their development, they cannot handle a outbreak of common thugs? When in our world we hold a fairly firm grasp
Too me it seems like a step back
Even more so when in a world such as this
Normal humans
who in our world form gangs to fight back against other humans of the law adds up because strengh in numbers
But here
Even for bad thugs
Especially human thugs
To fight alone
With basic weapons we have today
Against
a game of chance that your target does not have a power
Or else your screwed as Yuki clearly shows
It Feels off to me personally
13.
*
She says this but apparently not
The store owner had no means to defend himself
even against a common thug
In a world of super villains
*
It’s never said that the clerk couldn’t defend himself if he had too, it just didn’t escalate that far thanks to Yuki. Though, most people who end up in positions like store clerks or more real world positions typically don’t have combat centric Talents.
Action=then wouldnt that be more reason to prepare?
Honestly let me ask you
If we lived in your world full of talented people
And we don't have powers while most people do?
And we heard about this crime spree?
Would you do nothing to prepare?
Your home? Your place of work?
Would you even be comfortable walking in a crowd?
Would you not bring anything with you to defend yourself?
Our world clerks have proceddures to deal with a robbery
Weapons
Panic alarm
Bullet proof glass
If i dropped you in this universe and told you
Almost everyone here has a super power
You work in a place normal humans rob for cash
There is a crime spree that you can check the news about and see how the police cannot keep up
Would you honestly do nothing to prepare?
14.
*
what talents is she referring to?
Ones that can shine through?
Seeing as she says
there is such a wide range of superpowers that could do more than any person could
what talent could she possibly be referring to? she feels needs to be known?
that she would want to see more of?
*
During the course of the Manga, I plan on touching upon the idea of people with inhuman abilities V.s real skill. In this bit, Yuki is upset that real talented people, in the real world sense, can’t really shine as much as they used too because everyone now can use super powers, so everyone is, in essence, “Special”. This also hints that the world wasn’t always centered around Talents.
Action=i get that but what talents?
Sure the physical humans are pointless
But art?
Music?
Chiefs?
Are they outclassed by powers as well?
With the setup of random powers i guess that could be it
Like a super chief or something
But wouldn't that be more of a upgrade?
In MHA
True that only the supers matter
But the humans adapted and worked alongside them thus making a name for themself
As other humans got information to give to the villains
So there is a adaption
Unless you're talking about combat ability
Guess yuki would know something about that being a violent as she is
True there be a gap now
Similar to Rock lee vs Sasuke
Hard Work vs bloodline
Is that the talent your referring too?
If not what else is there?
Not like music/arts/creativity would be lost just because of supers
That be like if a popular youtube channel suddenly took the focus of the world
But it wouldn't affect our music or anything else and people would still make it because supers would not put them out of business
In fact it might improve it
Imagine if a hero liked a artist and wanted a manga for themself
Or a villain who likes to fight with awsome battle music
Or a fashion diva who needs the latest trends
15.
*
This is another issue
So now it's established that the majority of the world has super powers from the talent tree
So those like the clerk without powers are a rarity
So that means the majority of people not involved in the military or police or even a gang
Have super powers
But the world remains the same
Even the clerk is unprepared in a city known for it's crime and apparently super villains
And even the common thug is unprepared for a superhuman
Despite them being everywhere
There is no adaption
No countermeasure now that almost everyone is a walking unknown weapon
But it also does not add up
If majority have super powers
Then why is there a crime spree?
You would never know the person your mugging could breathe fire
Or have super speed
It make doing any illegal act a struggle
A game of chance
And yet the clerk is surprised?
Shouldn't it be yuki who is surprised that he and the thug have no powers?
A superhuman beating a common human
Wouldn't that be expected?
*
Though I wanted to address this more towards the end, you mention superheroes and supervillains often. The true villains in this world are a lot more subtle, smarter, and scheming then the typical thugs used as exposition in the first chapter. Like I mentioned, the two shown in Ch. 1 are small time thugs, they are trying to get away with something they obviously can’t, and that's why they don’t. At the end of the day, they are just dumb goons who tried to take advantage of a city in disarray, and in the end were overconfident in their tactics.
A real villains, let’s say ClaW as a whole, move as a group. They make (For the most part, as seen in Ch. 2) planned attacks, and know their way around the city enough, both the layout and the hierarchy, to get away with certain things, while having an ultimate goal in mind.
Action=but they could, if yuki was not there and hitachi was replaced with a normal dude
That's equal grounds
The thugs would have a right to believe they win
No person goes into anything expecting to lose
You say they are overconfident but they brought the basics
They must know about most people being supers and the crime spree due to them being aware of the disarray
So did they really not be prepared?
And to your true villains
That's fine, some would be cunning
But here
these are dumb thugs
So where are the dumb crooks with talents?
A superpower does not make someone smarter
If dumb human thugs are bold enough to attack a place who they have no idea might have a talent
Then wouldnt it stand to reason that dumb crooks with talents would be doing so much more damage?
Because even if they rob a joint or try to rob a kid
Only to find out they have a power
So what?
So do they
16.
*
Are they not right in front of him?
“ He moves back a bit as the criminal is pushed out of the shop, and dragged off by the police”
Bryan: Aw, I missed the action… where the hell are the Officers?
*
I know I already addressed this, but he is referring to students, dubbed Officers. I know it may seem confusing, but this becomes much more clear once class actually starts. Bryan is also meant to come of as a big fanboy for the senior students, or Officers, at the school, hence his reaction.
Action=it really is
The names you give make them seem like normal cops
So it's a military type of branch?
Corporal
Captain
Lieutenant
General
Ect?
But won't that get confusing?
I thought our law enforcement still exists working with the military
As you expained this is sudden
So i'm guessing we had basic cops before the supers
So what are they called now?
Now Since a officer could mean police or a student at DU
One from the old age and one from the new
17.
*
Plus last we left off
The clerk asked yuki to stay
she did not
And the clerk was being questioned
Then suddenly
Yuki comes back with a guy he would not recognize
Buys a chocolate bar while the clerk is being questioned
And both the clerk and police just let her go on her way?
*
Yup, pretty much. For a bit of context to my style of humor, I used to write a lot of small series and sketches for Youtube animators (CultureCrash, Braydoi, smaller stuff on Newgrounds), so this is just my style of small, quick humor mixed in to the normal story.
action=all fine and good
But
You didnt show it
All we saw was her shoving and then later with a candy bar
I just assumed that's what happened because it was missing
Humor is fine but the tone with the shop was tense
Plus you have a backdrop of a world struggling to keep up
To me
It hurts more of your cops then anything
Here we are told how much they are doing
But do nothing to yuki
If you wanted to lean on a comidic slant
Perhaps have her walk in and shop around like it's nothing
As the officer records Yuki’s brutality asking questions
Yuki response casually
Officer=So you just tossed a 124 pound man through the window
Yuki=Oh really? Felt like 200 hundred to me
Like she was filling out a survey
Or something-anything
Because when the reader is left to figure out the joke it brings up questions
Like
why they wouldn't question her hostage bryan
Or why they wouldn't see if she was on record
It's a tough time
I don't know why they be so casual
To me personally
it makes be feel like these guys either
are a terrible police force
and it's no wonder why crime spiked due to their incompetence
Or
Perhaps the news exaggerated and things are not as bad as it seems
But then why is there a crime holding up the police and thugs everywhere even the forests
Either way it leaves me confused to what this world really is because it conflicts itself so much
18.
*
Then how is this city under a crime wave skyrocketing each day?
Wouldn't this be the safest place to be?
And how does hitachi know details of the academy but not it's location?
*
Actually, it's the opposite, the only reason it has such a strong legal and military presence is because of the cities important areas (Its economy, scientific nature, and large amount of civilians) are constantly under fire by criminals. The University and Police are there to counteract this.
Also
Hitachi is not from around this area, which is implied. Him knowing about the University helps show that the University is held in high regard, even outside of the city. It’s like how you can know about a college, but not know much about the area around it.
Action=i suppose, i do know harvered but don’t know it's location
Well put, I retract my critique on that
But if it's constant then again
Wouldnt people do something?
I know not every super is in the DU or a villain
But what about the normal people with talents?
This setup would lead to a collapse of this city
A all out war
Your setting up this city like it's so huge that criminals are everywhere and it's too much for the law to keep up
But when we see it
Nothing is happening
You claim important areas are always under attack
And the places you mention would have a large concentration of people
If we dial it back to our world rules
It be a city where most people have a gun
Yet crooks still attack randomly
Both the cunning claw
And dumb thugs
If a guy attacked this group
He be outnumbered because most people in the crowd go a gun too
And if it was a group of crooks
And they attacked the crowd with guns
Again everyone has a gun
Not like they will sit back and die
They shoot back for their lives because they have the power too
I doubt cops or DU will fault them for that
With your premise this town should be on fire by now
In MHA
We see what happens when somone attacks a group of people with random powers
The MHA attack
The Campgrounds attack
Nomu attack
Against a common threat who means them harm
People tend to join forces
Not for eachother but because the enemy means them ALL harm
sure not everyone has offensive abilitys
but we see in MHA even the most simple power of a novice or child can be put to use in some way or another
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So then why is he still there?
All she did was threaten him and forced him to buy her something
Why reason could he have to stick around someone so prone to violence?
Wouldn’t he leave right after?
If not him
wouldn’t yuki?
She was this outsider type but now suddenly after the clerk she becomes quite chatty
She's in fact nicer to the guy who pissed her off
then the clerk who treats her with kindness
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A few things. First, in the actual artwork, she doesn't come off as so cold to the clerk when she first enters the store. So her acting this way is out of character, just not as much as you might feel it is. Next, this is right after purchasing the bar, so they just exited the store and are walking in the same direction. Bryan is generally a chatty type, so he sticks around. The conversation then keeps Yuki around. She doesn't like people, but she isn’t so disrespectful that she would just ignore and walk away from someone.
Action=but she would threaten them?
Insult them?
She had no problem leaving the clerk and the officers in the dust
Even Yuki says they wanted to talk
So why did she walk away then?
Wouldn't that be disrespectful as well?
Too someone who knows her and someone of the law?
The only difference is bryan knocked over a candy
So that won her over?
She didn't want to disrespect bryan because of that?
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Or why a officer would threaten to beat him up over a candy bar?
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Bryan isn’t the brightest. Also, people can be Officers, but still be kind of a prick. Tetsuya fits this stereotype in a few chapters down the line, once the Exams start. But even he has his motives for being a good guy rather than being a criminal.
Action=but you said
he is a big fanboy
You don’t have to be bright to be a fanboy
So how can it be that he wouldnt he know the ins and outs of what his fandom is about?
What they can and cannot do?
It seems like he is clueless to me
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So are the police and the military the same thing?
Bryan went to officer to explaining it to be a soldier of the military
If they are the same thing
then why are the police acting like humans?
Wouldn’t most have talents?
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I believe I may have fixed the Soldier bit in the final pages, I think that was a mistake from an earlier mockup of the script, as that’s what I originally called Officers. And Yes, most Police officers do have Talents. Again, most of the population does, but I guess a good comparison would be My Hero Academia, where even though everyone has a Quirk, not all of them are fit for combat, some just simply get lucky. Even if you could use it in combat, some people would rather a different style of living than dedicating years of training to enhancing their Talents.
Action=But then why is it never shown?
It makes even less sense to not see here
In MHA as i explained above
People with weak or simple powers still use them casually
Even as kids they use their powers
Not everyone would train up sure i belive that
but how is it possible that in a giant city we only see one person using a talent?
Does the police DU and casual civialains just not enjoy using their powers?
You said this is recent
So again
Imagine i dropped you in this world
You now have a super power
Pretend it's lame
Like you can project tv shows on the floor or something
Would you never use it?
Just for fun?
What if it was a basic power like you could float
Would you be fine just walking?
Perhaps a weak esp
Not gonna be lazy and just hover your phone in your face?
Would you not be curious at all to see what your powers do?
Would you just shrug your shoulders and say nah i wont show the public
If you would then fine
But
Everyone
Else in the city feels the same way?
Even the children?
Roudy teens?
Adults?
All said nah i don't wanna mess with my powers
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Why is he so insistent for her to join?
she's made it clear that she has a very comfortable lifestyle
and the only thing he has to trade is an assumption that she's bored
and that the job is exciting
But it seems Yuki didn't even enjoy beating up that thug
Or saving the clerk
So why join a force that does just that?
And plus
with the young clearly able to join with or without talents
wouldn't this be a huge militarized force especially with the size of your city?
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Bryan assumes that Yuki beat him up out of kindness, not because he annoyed her. Also the University is specifically centered around training students to enter the military and police force, however they are not the only school. It just happens to be a career path for those who have a good combat sense compared to their peers. Bryan seems to know and care a lot about the school, and that's part of the point of his character, which is explained later, towards the end off the Exams and during their normal time at the school.
Action=ok you said this is similair to MHA
So if Bryan is deku then why does he have the issue above with mistaken yuki as a DU student?
And in MHA their city is safe due to all might
So that's why their school works normally
But Recall when they had one intruder? One simple issue?
The school was changed to save the students
Sending them elsewhere
Putting them in lockdown
But your telling us there is a crime wave that that the cops struggle to deal with
Sure the older classmates could handle themself
But the rookies?
This DU school would do nothing knowing full well their city is in a state of constant crime that they cannot hold back?
Even if happened today in CH1
The DU school would just carry on like normal?
Or at least move the school to a less crime area?
heck what about the people?
when a wide city threat with supers happened
people are always evacuated till its under control
but here
you never guess crime was a problem
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He does know he tried to kill him right?
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Hitachi just rolls like that. He knows that he can easily defeat the thug again if he needs too, and he also knows he’s in no position to turn the thug in, as he is in a position where interacting with the police could be bad for him (His weapon and the fact he’s a runaway)
Action=so why is he going to the city with police and DU
That be like a known criminal wanting to live next door to a police station
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If the group is so spread out they cannot even save a comrade
Or are even aware he was captured
Then what's the difference of being alone?
Be the same results
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That’s why he’s at the bottom of the barrel, the gang honestly doesn't care if a no life like him gets himself caught. He has no links to the head of the gang anyways, so he is of no concern to them, just another source of revenue. Also I realise that this is definitely an older script, because Emilio was renamed to Feilio in the official script.
Action=so why does he know so much?
Why did they even tell the bottom of this barrel?
Why bother?
Why would he even join?
Did he really just agree to them saying
Go out into the forest and mug as many as you can
But you have to be alone
And this guy is ok with that?
Even for a dumb thug
How could he see any benifit?
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What talent?
All he did was swing a sword
Plus with Yuki saying the wide veriety of talents
How is Hitachi's considered crazy?
Yuki has the same power
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Hitachi’s sword is really big, like cloud strife big. There are different levels to Talents, someone can be more proficient in Strength than another, like Hitachi’s ability to wield a greatsword like its a simple bat, where as Yuki can be much more skillful in how she fights with her Talent, using her natural skill in swordplay and her basic strength Talent at the same time.
Action=then why is the thug not dead?
Hes human?
A solid form of iron is lethal even with the most minor amount of strength
And it being a blade means it's hardened
So with the bandages it's like a thin heavy bat
That's why cloud uses it
size=mass
He can attack and break through others defences
When have you ever seen cloud sword hit someone that did not send them flying?
Even at minor strength he is deadly
And hitachi sent this human flying against a tree
So obviously he used a decent amount of force
Even if he was holding back
The weight and impact of the blade should have killed this thug
Yet the thug is fine and able to walk later on and have a friendly chat
Why not just for a joke have Hitachi offer the blade
A gesture of
Hey use my sword to attack me
You said the thug was dumb
So i assume he’ll agree
Thug tries to lift
But it falls on his body pinning him down
Thug is injured
Hitachi picks up the blade like a feather
Having us wonder how stong is this kid
But then again
If it's as big as cloud sword and you say it's impressive how he wields it
Either this giant blade actully weighs like a feather
But then again why would a light weapon hurt the thug so much
And why would he be impressed if that's the case
Or
It's as dense as a really blade
Meaning it should be very heavy
And i question how could a human survive such a attack but a person who has super strength as his power
Even a human would struggle to hit a person hard enought to send them flying but also have a soft enough impact to not kill them
That be like you being hit by a semi truck that sends you flying
But somehow your not dead
Despite the impact being super slow say even >3 mph
That's over 17000 pounds of force
Overall, I understand the cause and effect aspect you are mentioning, however where the manga starts off IS the cause and effect taking place. Give it a few chapters in, and I think you’ll start to see what I mean by that. (Except the Talent Tree portion, I’d give it a good 15 chapters in before I get to really touch on it.) For example, The university recruiting new students and the news station urging people to take action is the effect of the crime rising. I don’t think the chapter spends enough time focusing on the world building like future chapters will, and I think that may be where you started to draw your own conclusions as to what might be going on. However that’s exactly what I want people to do when they read my work, I want discussion and ideas about what could possibly be happening, and overtime I’ll slowly hint and peel back the curtain a bit.
Essentially, I dropped the reader into a world that is till in the process of adjusting. Why they are still adjusting, and why it’s taken so long, will be explained in time.
I appreciate your feedback, and I really do hope you do the same for future chapter
Action=happy to be of help
But the problem is your ch1 is so inconsistent
And it's not done in a exploritive way
where we learn along with the MC about how the world works
Like how most of isikis do it
It's a pre established world
One that people have lived in for a long while
You open up your story like most do
You have a explanation telling us the audience of what's going on
Hense the talent explination
Yuki explaining how she feels as well as specific years
Bryant explaining some lore of the DU
News report telling the state of the world
So you have it set up for the most part
But nothing reflects it
There is no presence
If you took out the word talents
What would you have to change?
Not the city, crime is expected in any large town
Not the shop scean
Not the thug scean
All Yuki did was hit him with a broom
Something a human could do and cause damage
And the thug had a normal gun
The police scene would not change
The fight in the forest would not change
In both fiction and real life people have used big blades and most are normal humans
People would just assume he was strong and Yuki got a lucky shot
In MHA
The presence of powers and the effect it's had on the world was clear
If you took out the powers
The story could not continue
But in DU
Nothing much changes
Just the dialogue talking about the talents
Just scaled back
Yuki wouldn't be able to toss thug through glass
Hitachi would just be a tough guy with a big sword like guts from berserk
DU would just be a elite force to train people against the crime
So basically like how swat is higher trained then a casual officer to deal with unique threats
It would just be a casual story set in modern time with a tech boost and criminals
So if your chapter 1 could be almost rewritten without the mention of talents
and little to nothing would change storywise?
What's the point of having it?
If your inspired by story's such as MHA, Psycho pass, Final fantasy
look closely at their storys
Not as a whole
But their first episode or chapter
Their unique set up
If you took it out
Would you be able to tell the same story?
Obvious not MHA
Not Psycho pass because the sanity gun is the scorce of salvation and conflict
Final fantasy, well that one is a obvious no because of how magic is both the
Start
End
Reason
Conflict
Ect
Core
Of every story one way or another
Heck some MC would never exist without it
Or even with cloud
The lifestream is the reason we have sephiroth
Take that out
You take out monsters
Cloud memories
Seperoths rebirth
Thus his killing spree that brought the crew together on their adventure
Hell shinra found jinova
Became a crazy evil organization
That was so bad
Our crew resorts to terrorist attacks to stop them
its all interconnected and is established right at the start
and like how you want your story to be
it throws story elements at you that we as a player slowly uncover and find out
till we learn what all that crazy stuff in the start led up to
but see how it was always present?
if we took out what we played at the very start
the FF story would crumble
So see what i mean?
Each story as well as many other could not even have their
chapter one
without this unique setup in place
While DU could
with little to no changes in it's first chapter
then what really did we understand from this chapter 1 that remained ever present?
yuki coldness continues to flipflop
she has no problem leaving someone who wants to talk to her
then the next moment a stranger who ruins her candy and she wont disrespect him by leaving despite being annoyed at him
the city is in recent chaos but when yuki shows up its as calm as can be
everyone has talents but nobody every shows even a hint of such a thing, cops villains people in general
no one even acts like crime is a problem
cops are spread thin but they willl sent multipul units to arrest one human thug and continue to remain their dispite the city still in chaos
its all conflicting
what is said is never what we see
or what we see never matches what was said
and I understand I too like it when others try to pick apart my story
makes us stronger
makes us think how to improve
thats why i nitpick
because i like it when people do that to me^^
my story also revolves around a unique world that is slowly uncovered
and to manipulate the reader
its a tough balance to know what to hint at-reveal and distract
while also keeping it consistent without breaking the world or even previous chapters^^
till next time^^