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Author Topic: Dragon Universe (Shonen)  (Read 2643 times)

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Offline PichuDX

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Re: Dragon Universe (Shonen)
« Reply #15 on: February 25, 2019, 06:24:11 AM »
[Chapter 6 Post]

Decided to post a bit earlier then scheduled, just in case. Along with the chapter, here are the designs of the three characters who are most prominent in the chapter. (I know they have already been posted in the thread, but It may get confusing with so many floating around.)

Spoiler

Chapter 6: “Water V.s. Fire”

(Chapter opens on Poi stretching, while Lillian looks a bit lost.)

Poi: Whenever your ready sir. I want to get this warm-up out of the way as soon as possible, if that's alright with you.

(Hirigo motions for Kikibo and Bibiko, who are on the sidelines with the other teachers. They both looked a bit shocked, and uncertain.)

Bibiko: I’m… not so sure having us in the ring with you is really a good idea.

Kikibo: It would be impossible for those two at that point. Just try running around a bunch, and try not to kill them… please?

(Hirigo looks annoyed.)

Hirigo: Aw, you guys are no fun! Fine, I guess I should just mess with them then. *turning back to the students* Alright you two, are you all se-

(Lillian has her back turned while Hirigo is speaking, and she's waving to Fukagawa.)

Lillian: Hey! Fukie! Can you bring down my weapon? I forgot it up there, Sorry~!

Hirigo & Poi: (What the…?)

(Fukagawa looks embarrassed at being called out, but he grabs a circular blade from behind him, and runs down from the bleachers to hand it to her. While he's handling it, he seems both embarrassed and annoyed.)

Fukagawa: Call me out like that again Lilly, and I’ll chuck this damn thing at you next time.

Lillian: Thanks Fukie!

Fukagawa: [Under his breath as he turns back to go sit down.] And don’t call me that!

(Lillian turns back to face Hirigo, while Poi stares at her blade.)

Lillian: Alright, I’m all set!

(Fukagawa heads back to his seat, while Hirigo sighs.)


Hirigo: Well, at least you're good to go now.

Poi: (That blade… What the heck does it have to do with fire?)

Lillian: Whenever your ready then.

(Lillian swings the blade back in forth playfully while she waits. Poi turns to Hirigo.)

Poi: I’m all set too, just start already.

Hirigo: Alrighty then.

(Hirigo grins as Caitie pulls out a microphone. Vivian is on the side of her.)

Vivian: When did you get a microphone?

Caitie: I found it~! :3

(Caitie clears her throat, and then speaks into the microphone.)

Caitie: Let the first match of the exams… begin!

(The second Caitie shouts “begin”, Lillian breaks into a sprint for Hirigo. Hirigo braces himself, ready to dodge in either direction. Poi doesn't move, instead, he unhinges his canteen full of water from his belt and starts to uncap it. As Lillian moves close enough to touch Hirigo, Hirigo moves back, and pushes Lillian behind him. She trips over herself a bit, and struggles to regain her footing. When she turns around, Hirigo has already moved to a far corner of the ring. She also notices at this point that Poi hasn’t really made an attempt to catch Hirigo.)

Lillian: (Huh? I thought we began, why is that boy still drinking water?)

(Poi is seen putting the canteen to his mouth, but as Lillian takes a closer look, she can see the water spilling out, and spreading throughout the ring. Lillian takes a step back, and sees Poi grin wickedly.)

Poi: And just like that, I have the advantage.

(After Poi speaks, a stream of water by Lillian suddenly shoots upwards. Shocked Lillian turns her head to the sudden pillar of water, and as she faces it another stream on the other side of her raises up, and shoots her in the back. Lillian yells in pain, as she's flung a few feet across the arena. Hirigo looks around, and notices there are no streams near him.)

Hirigo: Well, It seems the boy revealed his Talent. I assume as long as I steer clear of the water, I’ll be fine.
Poi: Not quite.

(Poi points towards Hirigo, a wall jumps out of a stream close to Poi, and the wall of water starts to fire water pellets towards Hirigo. Hirigo panics for a second, and runs around frantically dodging the water pellets being launched like bullets. The crowd of students in the stands in the path of the water pellets brace for impact, when the water suddenly splashes in mid air and falls to the ground. They look surprised, and the next shot shows Mr. Chase smiling. Mr. Tempora and Mr. Vincent are by his side.)

Mr. Vincent: There's no reason to worry. Thanks to Mr. Chase’s Talent, casualties will be limited to the boundaries of the arena.

(Some of the water starts to drip in mid air, then a close up reveals that the water had gotten stuck on thin, almost invisible wires. Some of the students in the stands on that side were Zed and Saya. Saya is resting on her pillow, while Zed watches the exams. Saya has one eye open.)

Saya: I see.

Zed: … Huh?

Saya: Look over at the man in the hat.

(Zed looks towards Mr. Chase.)

Zed: Ok, what about him?

Saya: I’m not sure what his Talent is, but he used it to create a wire frame around the Exam.

(Zed looks shocked.)

Zed: What?!

Saya: You seem a bit too surprised by that… *Clears her throat* Seriously though, if you look closely, you’ll notice that the water seems to be stationary in the air. I think its stuck on the wires.

Zed: Y-Your right… I guess that’s a good thing.

(The scene switches back to the arena, with Poi starting to stroll to the center of the arena.)

Poi: It’s a bummer I’m first up. I really wanted to save the best for last.

(Lillian is back on her feet, gripping her weapon with a determined look on her face.)
Lillian: (Ok Lilly, think… How am I going to reach that old guy?)

(Lillian looks around the arena, noting where the streams are located.)

Lillian: (Keeping clear of the water isn’t going to work, so how am I going to make a move?)

Poi: Don’t even bother moving from that spot.

(Poi turns towards Lillian’s direction in a cocky fashion.)

Poi: If you take another step, I’ll keep on attacking. It doesn't matter where I am, or where you are. I have you cornered no matter what.

(Lillian winces a bit.)


Poi: I guess I might as well make this enjoyable for the audience though. Hows about this, because I want a fair fight, I won’t move either.


(Poi laughs to himself, while Hirigo catches his breath behind him, at the opposite end of the arena. The current layout of the participants is as follows: Lillian is at the far left, Poi is dead in the center, and Hirigo is at the far right. As the three are stationary, the scene switches to Yuki, Hirigo, and Bryan, who are sitting together in the stands.)

Hitachi: What a shame. That poor girl doesn't stand a chance.

Bryan: Whatcha’ mean?

Hitachi: I was talking to Yu- Ugh… I mean her Talent is at a disadvantage. If you were paying attention at all during the opening bit, you’ll remember that the girl in the arena right now can create fire.

Yuki: Yeah, and the annoying boy down there can control water. He brought some in with his container, and let it spill out before the teacher or girl knew what was going on.

Bryan: Hey, that's no ordinary teacher down there! That's the principle!

Yuki: I don’t really care.

(Bryan looks shocked, while Hitachi sighs.)

Hitachi: This is going to be a boring match.

(Switching back to the match, Lillian suddenly stands up straight and smiles.)

Lillian: So your just going to stand right there, right?

Poi: Huh? Yeah, but it doesn't really make a difference for me. I can just grab the bandana on the Principle with my water without moving from this spot. You, on the other hand, have no chance if you stand there.

Lillian: I wouldn’t be so sure if I was you, you haven’t even let me attack yet~!

(Poi raises an eyebrow for a second, and then laughs.)

Poi: I’d love to see what you can do from there!

(In the stands, Fukagawa smirks.)

Fukagawa: That's Lilly for ya.

(Taro K. looks over at Fukagawa, and then back at the match. He looks concerned, as the next few panels think back to the armory, where Taro helped Lillian pick out her weapon.)

Taro K.: This one will work fine.

(Taro hands Lillian the circular blade she is currently using in the arena.)

Lillian: Really, why this?

Taro K.: It’s lightweight. If your going to rely on you fire, but still want a weapon, then carrying something light will make it easier for you. If you can’t figure out how to use it properly, at least it might intimidate the competition.

(Lillian’s eyes light up.)

Lillian: Wow mister, you're a genius!

Taro K.: I was joking about intimidating them…

(The scene switches back to the present, with Taro using this face: T_T)

Taro K.: If she actually has a game plan in that thick skull of hers, I’d be thoroughly impressed.

(Back to the match, Lillian puts her both her hands on her blade, and holds it out infront of her. She then lights it on fire, covering the entire blade in flames.)

Poi: That won’t really do much. I can just put out the fire without even moving.

Lillian: Funny you say that. I was kinda hoping you’d stand still, this is the first time I’m trying this!

(Poi looks a bit confused, with Hirigo watching from behind. With a silly grin, Lillian twists her body, and then throws her blade, still on fire, at Poi like a frisbee.)

Poi: What the-!

(Poi extends his hands out all the way out to his sides, and a circular wall of water rises around him. The wall covers a good chunk of the middle of the arena.)

Poi: I’ll just stop it before it reaches me!

Lillian: Let’s see if this works~!

(Poi looks confused as to what shes talking about, when the blade collides with the outside of the wall. No impact is made, it just slides straight through, just losing its flames in the process. Poi looks horrified.)

Poi: What?! Why is it still moving?!

(Lillian jumps up in excitement.)

Lillian: Yes! It's not just made of flames silly, just because you extinguished the fire doesn't mean that the weapon gets extinguished along with it!

Poi: Wha-?!

(Poi is smacked right in the stomach by the blade, getting the breath knocked right out of him, and gets sent flying towards Hirigo. The wall around him splashes to the ground, and Poi collides with Hirigo, who couldn’t see him coming because of the wall. Both are knocked to the floor, trying to catch their breath. Hirigo sits up, a bit dazed and holding his head. Hitachi looks shocked, Yuki impressed, and Bryan cheering. Taro K. is in complete shock, while Fukagawa is just smirking.)

Hirigo: Ow! I guess I should have been paying more attention… Huh?!

(Hirigo tries to grab for his bandana that was around his arm, but suddenly it's gone. He looks forward, and sees Lillian walking off the arena, swinging the bandana around in the air.)

Lillian: That was fun! Thanks Mr. Water Dude!

(Poi is completely knocked out, and Hirigo looks disappointed. The students in the bleachers cheer, as Caitie speaks into her microphone. The last panel shows Lillian smiling brightly, still waving the bandana.)

Caitie: The winner of this round is… Lillian Gardiner!!!

Lillian: I did It Fukie! Are you proud of me?

END




Lillian

Poi

Hirigo

Offline PichuDX

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Re: Dragon Universe (Shonen)
« Reply #16 on: February 27, 2019, 06:57:14 AM »
[Chapter 7 Post]

Time for the next chapter! Hope you guys are enjoying the Exams so far, they were a bit of a challenge to write. Again, I've reposted some art to help keep track of who's who. (P.s. That picture of Hitachi is from Chapter 1!)

Spoiler

Chapter 7: “Now! It’s all in the technique”

(The chapter opens on the crowd cheering, with narration explaining the current situation.)

Panel : With the Exams finally in full swing, the examinees are fired up more then ever! After Lillian’s creative thinking, the crowd of future students waits in anticipation for the next match - up.

(The scene switches to Yuki, Hitachi, and Bryan, who are discussing the last match.)

Yuki: That was incredible. I guess I shouldn’t have counted that girl Lillian out so quickly.

Bryan: Right?! Wasn’t she so cool! I can’t wait to have the whole crowd cheering for me like that!

Hitachi: It seems the loud mouth is also a crowd pleaser. Not really that much of a shocker though.

Bryan: Hey, Snow Head, what’s your Talent? I already know Yuki’s! Mines some good old strength!

(Bryan places his left hand on his right arms muscles, and flexes playfully. Hitachi seems a bit annoyed.)

Hitachi: Snow Head? My name is Hitachi Justice, and my Talent is also strength. Although I prefer the use of my sword over any hand to hand combat.

Bryan: Oh, so kind of like Yuki? Though, your sword seems a lot heavier than Yuki’s sword. Isn’t  that a bit unfair?

(Bryan is staring at Yuki and Hitachi’s swords. Yuki chimes in with a bit of a softer smile then usual.)

Yuki: It’s all a matter of how we handle our blades. You might not get it because you don’t use a weapon, but as you saw with Lillian, it's all about the user’s technique and how they adapt to the opponent's strategy.

Bryan: I see… I guess there's a lot more to fighting then I thought. I usually just keep punching until I win.

Hitachi: Again, not really that much of a shocker.

(The three are interrupted by the Intercoms.)

Intercom: The 2nd match is about to begin. Would the participants “Hitachi Justice” and “Zed Fumiya” please enter the arena?

Yuki: Well, I guess that's your queue.

Hitachi: A bit sooner than I thought, but I’d rather get this out of the way.

Bryan: Good luck Hitachi!

(Hitachi walks down to the arena with his sword on his shoulder, students are gawking in awe at the size of his sword and how easily he’s handling it. Hitachi is lost in thought as he walks down the bleachers stairway.)

Hitachi: (Alright. This is it. If I mess this up, I’m pretty much out of options as far as shelter. I got lucky being able to stay at the hospital, but now that we are all set, I need a place to stay. If I win, I can use the dorms here. This is more than just ivaluading my skill. This is the only chance I’ll get at keeping off of the streets.)

(As Hitachi walks down to the arena, Zed begins to get up and head there himself.)

Saya: Good luck, I’ll try not to fall asleep again.

Zed: Sure… thats real reassuring.

(Zed places his hand on the back of his neck, and stretches as he walks down. Once the two students are at the arena, Mr. Chase walks onto the arena.)

Mr. Chase: Alright, are you two all set? I wish both of you the best of luck.

(Chase ties the bandana to his wrist, and then sits down on the arena floor, his legs crossed.)

Hitachi: Huh?

Zed: Sir, shouldn’t you be standing right now? We’re about to start.

Mr. Chase: No worries, I’m well aware we are about to begin. Although, I like to run my class a bit differently from the rest of the teachers. The Exams are no different.

(Mr. Chase reaches the hand with the bandana attached out in front of him.)

Mr. Chase: Chain Link.

(Suddenly, a flurry of strings and wires flood out from his sleeve, and create a small cage around him. He speaks through the boxed caged. The two students are surprised.)

Mr. Chase: I want you two to have a good, old fashioned fight. Don’t even acknowledge me. You wouldn't be able to get into this cage even if you tried anyways. I will give the bandana to whomever is left standing, *Chuckling to himself* No strings attached.

(Mr. Tempora takes a step forward from the rest of the teachers, annoyed.)


Mr. Tempora: Damn Fredrick, why the hell does he feel the need to pull crap like this every time? We went over this again and again this year, and here he is!

Mr. Vincent: Not much we can do about it now. Just let the man have his own fun. It’s not as if we can’t still grade the children this way.

Mr. Tempora: Tch.

(Hitachi sighs, and faces Zed. Zed seems a bit disheveled, but braces himself.)

Zed: (Damn, I was really hoping I could just try and grab the bandana without having to fight this guy.)

(Hitachi closes his eyes for a second, and then gets into his battle ready stance.)

Caitie: The second match begins… Now!

(Neither of the two participants make a move, and Chase watches in silence. The two stare at each other intently. After awhile, Bryan leans over to Yuki, over in the crowd.)

Bryan: So… what’s going on?

Yuki: If I had to guess, both of them are playing it safe, and trying to see what the other’s Talent is before making their move.

(Hitachi starts to walk over slowly, still ready to react if necessary. Zed simply waits.)

Hitachi: (What’s this kid’s plan? I can’t see a weapon on him… meaning he must be able to create or summon something on command. Or maybe he’s able to produce shock waves like that catmen I fought. I should keep my distance as much as possi-)

(Hitachi takes another step, and Zed suddenly points to him.)

Zed: Now!
(Hitachi braces, the crowd leans forward, and Chase stares, excited. But nothing happens. After a bit, Hitachi speaks, a bit flustered.)


Hitachi: Uh… was something meant to happen?

Zed: It already has! You…

(Zed leans forward a bit, in a very serious stance.)

Zed: Have been cursed.

(Hitachi stares blankly at Zed, and then laughs a bit.)

Hitachi: Pfft- What? Cursed? Is that really the best you can come up with?

Zed: I’m telling you he complete, and utter truth. Within the next 15 seconds, you will experience pain like never before.

(Hitachi places his sword into the Arena, lodging it in, and starts to laugh hysterically.)

Hitachi: What are you even talking about? Don’t tell me that you can’t actually fight? I thought this was going to be difficult!

(Hitachi leaves his sword, and starts to walks forward. After a few steps, Mr. Chase notices something, and Zed’s glare intensifies.)

Zed: I am sorry. I have won this match.

Hitachi: *Laughing still* Come on kid, I’ll have to teach you how to fight for real some ti-

(And, by the 15th second [Note to Artist: Place a countdown throughout these last few panels.], Hitachi is hit by something with extreme force, right in the stomach, as if he’s been gut punched. He coughs up blood, and falls to his knees. Yuki and Bryan lean forward.)

Yuki: Hitachi!

(Fukagawa and Lilly watch intently.)

Lilly: What… what  just happened? What hit him?

Fukagawa: I… don’t think anything did… did it?

(Taro K. turns to the two.)

Taro: That boy was hit. And he was hit fatally hard. He may not even get up from a strike like that.

(The other two look at Taro in shock, and then back at Hitachi, who is struggling to catch his breath.)

Hitachi: (What… What the hell?! What even just happened?! All I did was take a step, and it felt like I got hit with a bat right in the stomach!)

(Hitachi looks up at Zed, who hasn’t changed his serious tone.)

Zed: I’m surprised you're still awake. Although, you won’t be for long. I’ve never met anyone who could take two of those hits.

(Zed points to Hitachi.)


Zed: Now!

(Hitachi, with what strength he had left, kicks himself out of Zed’s way, and towards his sword. He staggers to his feet, and pulls the sword out from its place.)

Hitachi: I have fifteen seconds right? Well, I’ll just knock you down before I get hit again!

Zed: That won’t work.

(Hitachi runs towards Zed, and as he leaps forward, lunging at him with his sword, he is blown back by unseeable force. Hitachi lands on his back, and in a panic, whips his sword at Zed from the ground. Zed is a bit shocked by this action, and right before the sword hits Zed in the head directly, the same force stops the blade in mid-air.)

Hitachi: What the-

(Mr. Chase perks up, and chuckles to himself.)

Mr. Chase: I see. That’s it, then?

( Mr. Chase turns to Hitachi.)

Mr. Chase: Have you figured it out yet? Or was this fight decided by the first blow?

Hitachi: (Figured it out? Figured what out?)

(Hitachi notices his sword floating now, and it seemingly lodges itself into the ground, in a similar fashion to when he did it.)

Hitachi: Wait…

(Yuki and Bryan discuss the match so far.)

Yuki: I can’t tell what's going on down there. How the hell is Hitachi getting beaten this badly?

Bryan: Well, he hasn’t really made a move. If anything, he kind of reminds me of that water boy right now.

Yuki: This isn’t like him. I’ve seen him fight before, and last time he seemed to take charge without a second thought.

(The scene returns to the arena, as Zed stares at Hitachi.)

Zed: You could just forfeit. I really don’t like hurting people, but I’ll do whatever it takes to land myself a place at this school.

Hitachi: I think… I figured you out.

(Zed is surprised, but keeps his cool.)

Zed: Really? I mean, I already told you what I did. I cursed you.

Hitachi: Not Quite.

(Hitachi gets up, and makes a straight dash for Zed. Zed points to Hitachi, and a few feet before reaching Zed, Hitachi suddenly dodges out of the way, and reroutes himself to grab his sword. Zed is shocked, and as he turns, Hitachi slashes the floor in a underhanded motion, kicking up debris and dust from the arena toward Zed.)

Zed: You missed! Now!

(Mr. Chase smiles, and the crowd is in awe.)

Hitachi: Actually, I hit the mark fairly well, considering I couldn’t see it.

(Zed is confused, and then turns to see the invisible force, covered in dust, making its body visible to Hitachi. Mr. Vincent, from the sidelines with the teachers, smirks.)


Mr. Vincent: (Clever kid. It’s not easy to keep a clear head during a situation like that. It requires a great deal of technique and strategy to be able to combat a Talent like that.)

(Hitachi braces himself to dash forward.)

Hitachi: I’m not sure what your Talent is, but your not placing any kind of curse on me. Your having whatever that is next to you do the work for you.

(Zed is suddenly in a panic, looking at the figure as if he didn’t even know the truth.)

Zed: What? Hey, that's unfair!

Hitachi: And getting hit by something you can’t see isn’t?

(Hitachi rushes back at Zed, and this time smacks both Zed and the force out of the arena in one wide, powerful swing.)

Hitachi: Sorry, but I win!

(Zed and the force fly out of the arena, and get knocked unconscious as they hit Chase’s barrier together. Mr. Chase gets rid of his cage, clapping as he walks towards Hitachi, his bandana undone and in his hands.)

Mr. Chase: Well done Mr. Justice! I’m thoroughly impressed! As promised, here is your reward.

(Hitachi takes the bandana, and smiles towards Yuki and Bryan in the stands.)

Hitachi: Well, I guess I did it.

(Hitachi sighs.)

Hitachi: (That was too close…)

(The chapter ends with Hitachi raising the bandana with Mr. Chase standing besides him, with the crowd cheering.)

END



Hitachi


Zed



Mr. Chase


Offline PichuDX

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Re: Dragon Universe (Shonen)
« Reply #17 on: March 01, 2019, 11:11:34 PM »
[Chapter 8 Post]
Hey, here's chapter eight (A bit of a late post, but that's ok  8) ) Again, I will repost the designs for the characters in this chapter's match. My apologies in advance, we don't have any designs created for Jin yet, Taro's opponent in the chapter, so I will update this post when I do.

Spoiler

Chapter 8: “Let’s test one another”

(The chapter opens with two generic students fighting in the arena. Several matches have passed by now, and Yuki, Bryan, and Hitachi are getting bored.)

Yuki: There’s a ton of applicants here. When is it my turn? I just want to go home already.

Bryan: What, how are you not excited by these awesome match-ups! Every single one has gotten me real pumped up!

Hitachi: I’m just glad I don’t have to go back down there. After that first hit, I really did consider throwing in the towel.

Yuki: What was up with that kid anyways? What was his Talent?

Hitachi: No clue. I’m assuming it had to do with summoning some sort of unseeable creature. What exactly was happening is beyond me though.

Bryan: Maybe it was like an imaginary friend!

(Yuki and Hitachi stare at Bryan with disappointment on their faces.)

Yuki: I hope for that kid’s sake that isn’t true.

(Suddenly, scaring both Yuki and Hitachi, Zed appears behind them.)

Zed: Actually, It’s a ghost.

Hitachi: Whoa! How did you get over here?!

Zed: I… walked?

Bryan: Yeah, he just sort of strolled over here.

(Yuki and Hitachi look at each other, dumbfounded.)

Zed: It’s been haunting me for years. I figured I was just cursed, and was able to transfer my curse to others as well. But I think I owe you my gratitude, Hitachi Justice.

(Zed bows politely towards Hitachi.)

Hitachi: Um… you're welcome? Are you sure it’s actually a ghost though?

Zed: Mr. Chase told me after the match. He said he’s seen this kind of Talent before, and said he would consider helping me learn how to control it better.

Bryan: Wow, the teachers here really are something else. I would have never expected that thing to be a ghost.

(Bryan thinks about what he just said for a second, and then freaks out and edges closer to Yuki, and away from Zed.)

Bryan: Wait, a g-ghost?! Like, a dead one?!

Hitachi: Opposed to a live ghost?

Yuki: Actually, now that he mentions it, you seem awfully calm about this whole thing, Zed.

Zed: Honestly, the ghost has been in my life for so long, he’s basically apart of my family. At this point, it doesn't really matter what it is, it doesn't change how I view it in the end.

Hitachi: That's a pretty optimistic way of looking at it.

Zed: Anyways, thank you Hitachi. I hope you get placed highly in the schools rankings.

Hitachi: Schools rankings?

Zed: You… don’t know?

(Bryan hops up in excitement.)

Bryan: You don’t know, Snow Head?

Zed: Snow Head?

Hitachi: Stop calling me that.

Bryan: The ranking system at the school places the most efficient students at the top of the charts, so they can take on the most important operations,  and it places the students who need more attention to their Talents and academics at the bottom.

Hitachi: That's cool and all, but I’m not really interested in being at the top.

Zed: That so? I feel like you’d really do well there. Anyways, I’ll be going back to my seat. Hopefully we’ll run into one another in school.

Hitachi: Yeah, I definitely want a rematch some time after you’ve gotten better with your Talent.

(Zed smiles faintly, waves, and walks towards his seat. Bryan chuckles a bit, and Yuki and Hitachi are smiling. Soon after, the Intercom comes on.)

Intercom: The next match will begin shortly. Would “Jin Yuske” and “Taro K-” … Um… how do I…?

(The lady on the intercom whispers with someone else close by. The crowd of participants look confused, but shortly after they continue.)

Intercom: *Clears throat* Would “Jin Yuske” and “Taro K.” please enter the arena?

(The scene switches to Taro, Lillian, and Fukagawa, sitting in their seats. Taro looks embarrassed, holding tightly to his scarf. Lillian is laughing.)

Fukagawa: What was that all about?

Taro: My last name is really foreign and hard to say, so I’m sure they were confused when they tried to read it. I told them just saying “K.” was fine…

(Taro gets up, and walks down to the arena. From across, he can see Jin walking down, sulking as he walks to the arena as well. Taro notices the spear Jin has.)

Taro: (Interesting.)

(As the two walk down, Yuki leans forward a bit.)


Yuki: Hey, I think I met that Taro kid before, during the assembly. He seemed pretty smart, so this match might actually be interesting.

Hitachi: I noticed the one with the long spear before the Exams started. He was giving off some really off putting vibes. He might be dangerous.

Bryan: Wow, you guys are much more interested in this match then the last one.

(The two participants arrive at the middle of the arena, and Mr. Tempora steps up from the group of teachers. He speaks as he walks towards them.)

Mr. Tempora: Unlike the last few matches, I won’t go easy on you. You both will fail this test, I hope you're aware of this fact.

(A shot of Mr. Tempora towering over the other two is shown, even though Jin is considerably tall. The two kids stare down Mr. Tempora intensely, and await the start of the match. Mr. Tempora has his bandana around his forehead.)

Caitie: let the next match… begin!

(All three take a leap back from each other in sync, and begin a similar stare down to Hitachi V. Zed. After a few seconds, Taro breaks the silence.)

Taro: If your ok with it, I’d like to avoid a similar trend that's been happening during these Exams.

Jin: Funny, I was considering something similar. What do you propose?

(Mr. Tempora watches silently. A quick spark can be seen coming from under his sleeves.)

Taro: We tell each other our Talents. It’s against my usual style of fighting, but after seeing the second match, I’d like to avoid surprises as much as possible.

Jin: Fine.

(Yuki looks shocked.)

Yuki: (Whoa. He isn’t kidding. Back during the assembly, he didn’t even tell me his Talent, even though he tried to trick me into spilling mine.)

Taro: My Talent is Precision. I have a near perfect aim. I use small throwing knives, which I’ve dulled for this Exam, to subdue my opponents.

Jin: I see. My Talent is Growth. I’m able to enlarge and shorten my limbs at will. I use my spear as my means of combat.

(Jin nods towards Mr. Tempora.)

Jin: Mr. Tempora over there is well known for his electric whip styled CQC. Though I’m sure he can use them on a ranged target as well.

Mr. Tempora: My Talent is not important. What the boy said is all the info you need in order to combat me.

Taro: Right. So, let’s test one another.

(Taro, suddenly, throws a knife he was concealing in his pocket at Jin. Jin reacts quickly, blocking the knife with the middle of his spear.)

Taro: Right. So your quicker then you look.

Jin: If you thought I was slow, then you may want to reconsider the way you evaluate your foe.

(As he says this, Jin rushes forward. He takes his spear and attacks Taro to his right. Taro attempts to react, but Jin retracts his arm and switches his attack to Taro’s left before Taro can fully dodge the first swing. Jin hits Taro in the side, and Taro stumbles a bit as he is pushed a few feet back, still on his feet.)

Taro: That’s a neat trick you have there. You’ve clearly trained yourself well in tying your Talent into your technique.

(Jin and Taro are exchanging conversation in a seemingly calm manner. Mr. Tempora is visibly annoyed by this.)

Jin: Of course. The grade school I went to as a child took pride in mastering the art of combat. My Talent naturally lends itself to my preferences in combat.

Taro: You also have quite a lot of range with both you Talent and spear. Truly a unique set.

(Mr. Tempora yells and interrupts the two.)

Mr. Tempora: Have you two forgotten your taking the Exams right now?! This is a serious match, start acting like it!

(Taro throws a knife at Tempora, and Jin jabs towards Tempora with his spear. Mr. Tempora takes is whips out and smacks both out of his way.)

Mr. Tempora: That’s more like it. But it’s going to take more than that to steal this bandana.

(The three enter a stand off again, and the crowd is watching intently.)

Jin: I think it’s time we enter the end game.

(Jin rushes at Taro again, this time he is rapidly jabbing in a gatling motion towards Taro. Taro jumps back, but Jin extends his arm and manages to nick the side of Taro’s shirt, cutting through and cutting the side of Taro’s stomach. Taro escapes the rush, and starts to breath heavily.)

Taro: (That was too close. I need to remember that this kid can hit me wherever I am on the arena.)
(An image of Poi V. Lillian is displayed, where Lillian felt cornered no matter where she was.)

Taro: (Unlike Lillian’s match, Jin seems much more focused and a lot less cocky then Poi. But, unlike Poi, there’s an opening in his strikes.)

Jin: Let’s see if you can escape this next one.

(Jin twirls his spear around a bit, and then attempts to rush at Taro, beginning to start up the gatling motion again. Instead of trying to dodge, Taro braces himself in a crouching motion, and waits. A flurry of jabs fly around him, some nicking him as he sits there.)

Jin: What’s wrong? You can’t figure out a way to fight back? What a shame.

(As Taro sits there, time seems to slow to a crawl around him. He is waiting patiently, following the strikes with his eyes.)

Taro: (Unlike you, Jin, I may have spoke a white lie when I told you about my Talent. I led you to believe my Talent had to do with my aim, but that’s not as accurate as I could have been. I can predict and counter motions with precise accuracy as well.)

(Suddenly, Taro smacks his hand down in front of him, and smashes Jin’s spear to the ground. To Jin’s surprise, Taro then uses Jin’s spear to lift himself into a front flip, and he launches himself well over Jin’s head. Taro then smacks Jin’s pressure points as he flies over him with both hands, twirls, and lands on his feet. Jin loses consciousness almost immediately, his arm goes back to normal, and he falls to his knees and then face down on the arena in a loud thud. The crowd goes wild, including Yuki and her group. Fukagawa whistles to himself, impressed, and Lillian cheers wildly.)

Fukagawa: Never woulda guessed how nimble that kid was. Better not get on his bad side.

Lillian: No worries Fukie, Taro is really a nice guy once you get to know him!

(Fukagawa looks confused.)

Fukagawa: (How do you know him?)

(Back in the arena, Mr. Tempora laughs a bit.)

Mr. Tempora: That was fairly impressive. I see you’ve mastered the art of assassination.

(The crowd suddenly stops cheering. They all look in shock, and then start to whisper amongst themself. Taro sighs and adjusts his scarf.)

Taro: I’m not surprised that you know about the technique I just used. I’m more shocked that you would mention it so openly however.

Mr. Tempora: It’s important that the soon to be student’s know what they're up against when it comes to reaching the top. It’s been quite a long time since I’ve met an assassin. Typically, your kind tend to stick to the shadows.

Taro: I may have trained under an assassin, but my virtues and goals are much different from any assassin clan. I simply want to get stronger and protect what I have to protect, and that’s all.

Mr. Tempora: Well, you certainly are rare. An assassin in broad daylight, without a mission or task to carry out. You’ve peaked my curiosity.

(Mr. Tempora throws his whips from under his sleeves out onto the arena floor around him, and they spark with electricity.)

Mr. Tempora: How will a fledgling assassin deal with the oncoming onslaught of a professional? I’m dying to find out.

(For the first time in front of the kids, Mr. Tempora smiles cockily.)

(Taro braces himself, while holding onto his scarf. Mr. Tempora gets into a battle stance, and the crowd goes wild again as the chapter closes.)

END



Taro K.


Mr. Tempora

Offline Action Animation

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Re: Dragon Universe (Shonen)
« Reply #18 on: March 02, 2019, 02:10:58 AM »
you certainly seem to have a drive of determination

if your serious about this project then I'll be happy to make a full review of your work for each and every chapter.

if your willing to then all I ask is where would you like me to post it?

i could do it here or if you have google drive i can post my review there

looking forward to your response ^^
-Action
« Last Edit: March 02, 2019, 03:00:34 AM by Action Animation »

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Re: Dragon Universe (Shonen)
« Reply #19 on: March 02, 2019, 04:31:53 PM »
Thanks Action, I'd really appreciate it if you could review my work! Your welcome to post your reviews right here in the forums! If you want to get in contact with me directly for any reason, just pm me or shoot me an email.  ;D

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Re: Dragon Universe (Shonen)
« Reply #20 on: March 03, 2019, 03:45:33 AM »
Will be posting it today ^^
-Action

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Re: Dragon Universe (Shonen)
« Reply #21 on: March 03, 2019, 07:39:52 AM »
Spoiler
Chapter 1 “DREAM” Start

(The chapter opens on a little girl sitting in a field of flowers. The art style resembles that of a little kid coloring with crayons. The little girl is resembling a younger Yuki. Yuki is looking around the field, picking up flowers as she goes. After a few panels of her picking flowers, a grey fog starts to creep up from behind her. Once it moves past her face, she slowly turns around. As she's turning around I believe three small panels in a row with an intensifying light will work, as her expression changes to show disbelief. Once she's fully turned around, a whole page should be dedicated to her standing, facing a mansion that is lit up in horrifying flames. Yuki should seem small compared to the mansion and flames. The next panel should show the flames in her eyes, and with a close up of her eyes reveal a figure standing in the flames. The view should flip to her perspective, slowly zooming into a sinister looking figure (Make sure he has distorted looking, spiky hair. He should also have something resembling a chain coming from his pocket attaching to his waist) facing sideways, his hand facing upwards and out stretched. Once he is in close enough view, show him turning his head only towards Yuki, pulling his hand a bit closer to himself. Then, he smiles wickedly with two, distinctive red eyes shining directly at the reader and Yuki, clenching his hand into a fist, flames bursting out from inside the fist. His head should also be slightly tilted.)

“DREAM” End

Real Chapter 1 “Yuki” Start

(The chapter opens up on Yuki slowly opening her good eye (Her bad one isn’t shown until she's putting on her eyepatch, and when it's shown it's closed.) She rubs her bad eye with her arm, still lying down.)

Yuki: (That dream… Why, after all these years, does it still haunt me…?)

+

Action
A suggestion
instead of Yuki saying exposition of the dream being---

“after all these years, does it still haunt me”

why not instead just have her expression tell the story?

If it's “Haunting” as in recurring then perhaps having her eyes suddenly open up

Her expression of fear is only brief as it fades into a weary sigh

It would imply this is a haunting dream but also something she has dealt with for a long while

But also leave it ambiguous to whether this is just a recurring nightmare or perhaps a flashback

Without having her to boldface tell the audience that this was her past

+

(Yuki starts to sit up in bed. She yawns, and gets out of bed. She walks over to her mirror, showing herself in a long White T shirt and black shorts on. Next to her mirror is a plain bust of a face with her eyepatch on it, so she grabs it and puts it on.)

Yuki: (It’s been almost 9 years... Since the fire. You’d think rebuilding the entire place would rid me of those memories…)
+

Action
A suggestion
Instead of the exposition just being told why not have it be shown?

Instead of Yuki saying this is the same place burned and rebuilt from the fire

She could

Yuki[deep thought] walks over to the wall of her room

As she slowly reaches out her hand

Yuki closes her eyes

And suddenly

The room around her returns to the inferno of long ago 

Yuki slowly opens her eyes as her room returns to normal

Yuki gently lays her head against the wall
Yuki = why? It's been over 9 years…

This way the dialogue shows just as much disbelief of being haunted by this dream while the visual shows this home once was in ruins

But obviously if she is standing in it

It was repaired

That way she won't have to just say it was rebuilt

+

(The next few scenes show her brushing her teeth, brushing her messy hair, making a coffee in a huge kitchen, and sitting down, sipping the coffee. By the next time we see her, she switched out her shorts for casual, comfy jogging pants. She goes outside to a courtyard built into the middle of the Mansion, and waters a few flowers that are growing in a garden. She then goes back inside, stretches and yawns, grabs a bag of chips and slouches down onto a fancy couch in front of a TV.)

Yuki: (But whatever. I need to stop thinking the same thoughts everyday, I need something new in my life... Something that will get my mind off it.)

+

Action
A suggestion
Instead of telling the audience how bothered she is by her dream

Why not show her doing the chores as she was

But with each chore her expression becomes more lost in thought

Before she shakes her head and looks for a distraction

Thus the tv and chips bit

+

(She turns on the TV with a remote that was on the couch already, and it opens to a news story.)

News Reporter: Sadly, the situation is only getting worse. There seems to be no end to this new crime wave, with every passing day the crime rate must be skyrocketing. On the scene right now is our action reporter.

(the scene on the screen switches to a man in a suit outside of a shop. The glass of the shop’s windows seem to have been bashed in, with graffiti sprayed all over the building.)

Action reporter: Thanks. As you can see here, a local, small shop has been ravaged and cleaned out by a new crime syndicate. On the shop's back wall, it appears the gangsters have left some sort of call sign. (The Tv now shows a wall with the word “ClaW” Written in graffiti across the whole wall. The W in Claw Is made of three claw marks (\I/ <- Like that )) Besides that, there seems to be no trace of the vandalizers. If anyone watching knows anything about this incident, please, inform your local Police Station or Patrolling Officers asap. The rebuilding of our nation can only start with yo-

+

Action
“There seems to be no end to this new crime wave, with every passing day the crime rate must be skyrocketing”.
“a local, small shop has been ravaged and cleaned out”

As it's implied there is a crime wave

And the words “rebuilding our nation” implies a great event with the supers has occurred

Then why has the world yet adapted?

The news talks about the police but nothing about supervillains

Nor the military who is training young crime fighters

It's treating it as world like our own

While later on we learn that the majority of the public have super powers

Seeing that Yuki is older than 9 years old and has super strength due to the tree

What kind of precedence do either the police or the military have?
Seeing that there is a crime wave they are unable to deter and is growing bigger

It's become so known that even a shut in like Yuki knows about them

And  jokes around about joining them

But later on we learn the city she visits is well known for its academy of superhuman justice force

So obviously it's been established for quite some time

But how can it be well known if crime has not decreased but increased?

It's strange how such a society has not been consumed by anarchy especially after that line of rebuilding our nation

Also

If this Claw gang is so skilled and so confident they won't get caught

Why not rob a bank?

It's apparent they don't want to be discrete or otherwise they would not leave their name all over
And seeing it was only for financial gain wouldn't robbing a area with a less concentration of police and superheros be a better option?

Rather then robbing small stores right next to the law?

It's just more risk for less reward

Furthermore

If this crime spree is on the rise and apparently it centers around robbing for monetary gain

Store owner vs Thug
Hitachi vs Thug
Robbed store vs Claw

All centered around money and valuables

So would’nt the cops keep a special eye on business districts? Seeing at most crime is centered on that end?
 
+

(The screen shuts off with a flash, with remote in hand, Yuki Sighs.)

Yuki: (Jeez. It seems everyone's getting in on the whole crime thing. I wonder how much I could make doing something like that? I’m sure they need someone with a Talent like mine...)

(Yuki giggles to herself, and gets up from the couch. She then shakes a near empty bag of potato chips.)

Yuki: ( Ugh. I guess I need to go and get some more snacks. I’m running low again…)

+

Action
If yuki dislikes going into town with people so much

Then why does she only buy so little?

It just forces her to do it frequently 

We see later the city runs normal so it's not like a food shortage

And seeing how casual she is about getting food apparently she has money to pay for it

So why wouldn’t she buy as much food as possible and stay in her home in the woods?

+

(Yuki tosses the now empty bag of chips on a nearby table, which is piled with some other trash and food wrappings. She picks up her coat which was thrown on a chair near the table and heads for the door. She can be seen before the scene switches from the outside of the Mansion, a front on view of the whole thing as she leaves it. It looks in almost perfect condition, but clearly shows she's wealthy. Around her are woods, and in front of her is a dirt road. The scene now switches to a scene in a forest. The sun is shining through the trees, and a boy with a brownish cloak is walking down a dirt path. On his back, he has something huge tied and hidden away with white tape. The item is strapped around him like a sash, and seems to be a large, long rectangle. The boy has his face revealed after a panel or two, showing Hitachi. He continues walking for a bit, when, suddenly, a thug with a bandanna around his mouth walks out from behind a tree. The man has his hands in his pockets, and he confronts Hitachi from a distance.)

Thug: Hey, punk. I’ll have you know, this here is my turf. What brings yeh to this neck of da woods?

(Hitachi doesn't answer)

Thug: Hey, pal, I asked you a question. Or would you rather ...cut... to the chase?

(The thug pulls out a pocket knife from his pocket, and flips it open, showing it off. Again, Hitachi says nothing. This time, he takes a single step back, though.)

Thug: I want all yer valuables. Drop what you got and scram before I hav’ta use this… (Spins the knife around.)

Hitachi: Sir. Please move out of the way. You're annoying.

Thug: What? Kid, are you trying to smart mouth me? Ima make your cocky ass regret it!

(The thug rushes at Hitachi, with his knife pulled back, ready to stab Hitachi full force.

+

Action
If this is set in modern times seeing as there's a TV electricity and other common appliances we have today

why is there a gang of woodland thugs?

if crime is on the rise meaning more thugs are getting bold

Why is this gang hanging out in a place where not much people go through?

It's not like there afraid to get caught seeing as it's later established that they are only a mile away from a town swarming with cops and a superhero academy

So why are they here?

Also

Why did the thug bother talking to Hitachi?

the thug clearly shows he has no issue getting violent

which fits the theme of a world in chaos

That he could kill hitachi and know a dead body won't be found

so why would this Amoral thug waste his breath threatening and warning someone he plans to rob and/or kill? Especially if there is no consequence due to his location

+

Around  half a foot away from him, Hitachi suddenly ducks down, grabs the item off his back, and swings it at the Thug full force. This hits the Thug, sending him flying, back first, into a tree. He slams into it, and falls flat on his face. The scene now shows the bandages/ tape falling off of Hitachi’s item, which turned out to be his sword. By this point, his hood has fallen off, fully revealing his face and hair. The scene should show an emphasis on the sword, but still have Hitachi in the shot as he says this next line.)

Hitachi: What did I tell you? I swear, some people just don’t listen…

(The scene switches back to Yuki, who is now walking down a crowded sidewalk.

+

Action
a small question
Yuki just left her home that you establish in the woods

 I assume you have that location to explain why she has not yet been bothered by the crime wave

 but seeing as this takes place within the same day just how far are these woods and a giant bustling city to be within walking distance apparently?

+

The area around her is a city, with huge skyscrapers and shops all over the place. It should look like a typical busy city, think New York or Tokyo. She stops in front of a small store, which sticks out a bit more then the buildings around it. It is a medium sized convenience store called “Quick Zip’s”.

+

Action
This is a recurring issue

With the establishment of a crime wave and even the earlier bit of stores being robbed

And on top of that, not only are most getting away scott free

But We later learn there are super powered villains

So Why is there no effect on this world?

It's seems so casual

There is no security

No extra police patrols

The stores and shops don't even have a means to defend themselves against a normal thug much less a super powered one

Despite all the exposition that the crime is happening right next door to them

They do nothing to prevent it

+

She walks in, the doors sliding open on their own as she enters. She is sort of slouched over, with her coat covering her mouth. The store clerk, a man around his early twenties waves to Yuki.)

Clerk: Well, if it isn’t our favorite customer. Sup, Yuki!

+

Action
This really shows Yuki rather just be left alone

So why does she only come for chips or small round of food when clearly she dislikes someone who is friendly to her

+

(Yuki waves with a half assed smile, then walks to an aisle lined with potato chips. As she looks over the selection, another customer walks in. This one looks a bit rough, a sweatshirt with his hood pulled over and a bit of a beard growing on his face. He is around his forties. He checks around, not noticing Yuki, then goes straight for the counter where the clerk is. He slams his fist down on the counter, and pulls out a gun from underneath his sweatshirt.)

Thief: Open the register. NOW.

+

Action
The police must be spread thin for the thug to be bold enough to rob a store in broad daylight

But what about the super heros? Where are they?

+

(The clerk is in shock, and he hesitates to open the register.)

Clerk: S-Sir. Please, there's no need for-

Thief: I said NOW.

(Yuki peaks from behind a shelf and sees the man, but her expression is still her usual moody self. She sighs, then walks over to the thief. The thief jolts around, and points the gun at her, startled.)

Thief: Who?! Hey, get on the ground kid! I’m not playing, I’ll *censored*ing kill you!

+

Action
then why doesn't he?

Hes bold enough to rob a store with just a hoodie

Without covering his face or his man beard

So it seems he doesn't care if he is recognized

It really doesn't feel like the police or the superheros have any presence or effect in this world

or

He just plans to kill them to keep his identity a secret

Still with most crimes happening all over

Would he even get caught?

+

(Yuki stares at him for a second, then sighs. She then stares at the Thief with a serious expression.)

Yuki: Dude, if you were gonna shoot me, you would have done it already. No need to fool yourself.

Thief: Wha-

(Yuki looks to her left and lifts up a broom that was leaning against the wall. The Thief walks up to her, the gun trained on her head.)

+

Action

why did the thug move close range while holding a long-range weapon?

with the established crime spree the stories telling us

thugs are becoming more bold and crime is easier to do now

and since this is the second thug who has no problem taking the life of someone so young

 this must be one hell of a crime spree to make them  think they won't get caught

So why would this thug bring a weapon he did not intend to use? But would at close range?

+

Thief: Don’t you play games with me, you little bitch-

(At the word “Bitch”, Yuki swings the broom, bashing it against the head of the Thief. He goes flying, letting go of the gun and smashes into a shelf at the other end of the store. Yuki stares him down while he twitches, unable to get up.)

Yuki: Before you continue that sentence, I’d like you to ask yourself who the bitch here really is.

(Yuki turns to the shocked clerk, and sighs.)

Yuki: You guys out of Salt and Vinegar chips again?

(The clerk slowly shakes his head “yes”.)

Yuki: Figures. Well I guess I’ll just grab a chocolate bar or something…

+

Action
Why does she buy so less the before?

It's established she's out of food and dislikes interacting with people

How long would a bar last her?

+

(The scene now shows Yuki, with her coat slightly unzipped, with the chocolate in her mouth, her hands in her pockets, walking home. Then it shows cops rushing past her, heading to the store.)

+

Action
Who called the cops?

The gun was not fired

Only the thug thrown out the window

And suddenly the cops arrive?

How can they be so quick to a crime but are also powerless to deter it?

Do the super heros not have any involvement?

Plus would this cause a issue?

It's not like the clerk does not know Yuki

Apparently she's their favorite

So Yuki shops there often it seems

So wouldn't the clerk be able to tell a lot of details about her?

What's more he now knows shes one of the talented

A superhuman

Do the police or military not care about a super humans not in the military or living in the city?

But clearly seems to be able to act violently hense the thug?

Does this world not have some system that could keep track of superhumans and their powers?

It's understandable for villains to not be in the system

That's why their extra dangerous

But wouldn't that go for other superheroes as well?


+

Yuki: (That man asked me to stay and explain what happened… but…)

(A panel shows the clerk trying to explain to the cops as they handcuff the Thief.)

Yuki: (What's the point? I mean, it's not like there was anything in it for me. Anyone could have stopped that nobody. Everyone's Talent is good for that much, at least I’d hope so.)

+

Action
She says this but apparently not
The store owner had no means to defend himself

even against a common thug

In a world of super villains

+

(Yuki looks at her right hand as she walks and thinks to herself.)

Yuki: (Honestly, I hate Talents. If they didn’t exist, everyone wouldn’t be so special, so the people with real talent could shine instead of being left in the dust.)

+

Action
what talents is she referring to?

Ones that can shine through?

 Seeing as she says

there is such a wide range of superpowers that could do more than any person could

what talent could she possibly be referring to? she feels needs to be known?

 that she would want to see more of?

+

(A brief description of Talents is on the side of this panel, perhaps a Chibi Yuki speaking?)

+

Action
Who is Yuki explaining this too?

 If this information is so common

why is she reminding herself of it?

A suggestion
You could use that quirkless clerk a surrogate

Seeing that he has no powers it makes since he’d asks others about it

And seeing how familiar he is with yuki despite her not feeling the same way

He could ask Yuki

General question or even rumors

of the talented that are either extremely exaggerated or completely false

such as all talented are criminals

or

that you can have a million talents

or

that you can choose what your talent is
Yuki can correct him with quick explanations

While getting more more annoyed having to talk to someone showing more of her personality

but also serve as exposition using a conversation with someone who would be curious in the odd world they live in

+

Brief Description: For the uninitiated, Talents are the special, unique traits almost every individual is born with, thanks to help from the Talent Tree! It can range anywhere from super speed to breathing fire! Stay tuned later for a more in-depth description.

+

Action
This is another issue

So now it's established that the majority of the world has super powers from the talent tree

So those like the clerk without powers are a rarity

So that means the majority of people not involved in the military or police or even a gang

Have super powers

But the world remains the same

Even the clerk is unprepared in a city known for it's crime and apparently super villains

And even the common thug is unprepared for a superhuman

Despite them being everywhere

There is no adaption

No countermeasure now that almost everyone is a walking unknown weapon

But it also does not add up

If majority have super powers

Then why is there a crime spree?

You would never know the person your mugging could breathe fire

Or have super speed

It make doing any illegal act a struggle

A game of chance

And yet the clerk is surprised?

Shouldn't it be yuki who is surprised that he and the thug have no powers?

A superhuman beating a common human

Wouldn't that be expected?


+

(As Yuki is thinking to herself, a figure rushes past her, brushing her as they dash by, making her drop her chocolate. She turns and looks towards them somewhat startled, Showing Bryan running towards the crime scene. For a second she stares in shock, then looks down to see her chocolate wasted.)

Yuki: (What the…) Hey, watch where you're going, asshole!

(Bryan completely ignores her, screeching to a halt and turning to look inside the shop. He moves back a bit as the criminal is pushed out of the shop, and dragged off by the police. The panel of Bryan speaking should focus on him a bit because it's his first appearance.)

Bryan: Aw, I missed the action… where the hell are the Officers?

+

Action
Are they not right in front of him?

“ He moves back a bit as the criminal is pushed out of the shop, and dragged off by the police”
Bryan: Aw, I missed the action… where the hell are the Officers?

+

(Yuki stomps over to him and places her hand on his shoulder, extreamly pissed.)

Yuki: You see what I did to that guy? (Points towards the thief, being dragged off.)

+

Action
So they are still there

Then why is bryan asking where they are?

+

Bryan: Huh? Wait, you stopped that guy!? I haven't seen you around befo-

(Bryan quickly shuts up as her grip tightens.)

Yuki: If you don’t buy me a new chocolate bar for the one you just made me drop, I’m going to pulverise you the same way.

+

Action

The police are still there

Wouldn't pulverising someone right in front of them be a bad idea?

+

Bryan: Uh… what chocolate?

(Yuki points to the bar, melting away on the cement of the sidewalk.)

Bryan: Wha- Oh jeez did I run into you or something?! Sorry, I always seem to be doing stuff like-

(Yuki raises her other hand in a fist and gets ready to punch Bryan.)

Yuki: New Bar. Now.

Bryan: Ok, ok! I get it! Just calm down, chick!

(Yuki pushes Bryan against his will into the store,

+

Action
didn't she leave the crime scene because she didn't want that to talk about her being there?

Plus didn't she not like being around people?

Prefering to be silent

So why would she suddenly walk up to a stranger

admit to her role in it and hang around the crime scene

 that she was clearly trying to get away from?

Plus last we left off

The clerk asked yuki to stay

she did not

And the clerk was being questioned

Then suddenly

Yuki comes back with a guy he would not recognize

Buys a chocolate bar while the clerk is being questioned

And both the clerk and police just let her go on her way?

+


and then the scene switches again to Hitachi, with his hood now off and sword unsheathed and planted firmly into the ground, leaning against a tree. He is a few feet from a tree with the Thug, tied down with the bandages/ tape that was on his sword.)

Hitachi: So, you know where the nearest village or town is?

Thug: Why should I tell you?!

(Hitachi’s eyes narrow, giving the Thug a death stare.)

Hitachi: Because if you don’t, I’m going to bash your skull in with a single swing, and nobody will know where I hid your corpse.

(The Thug, about to *censored* himself, gulps.)

Thug: Alright, alright! You're about a good mile from the nearest City. Its Toaru. You know the place?

HItachi: No, I don’t. What can I find there?

Thug: Well, it’s pretty big. Tons of shops and stuff. It’s famous for being right next to the University.

(Hitachi’s eyebrows raise slightly)

Hitachi: The one for the military?

Thug: Yeah, that's the one. I’d be careful, they have Officers patrolling those streets 24/7. If they even get a quick glance at that sword of yours, you can consider yourself screwed.

+

Action
Then how is this city under a crime wave skyrocketing each day?

Wouldn't this be the safest place to be?

And how does hitachi know details of the academy but not it's location?

+

Hitachi: Right. Thanks, I’ll take note of that. Welp, that’s all I needed, I’ll be going now.

(Hitachi pulls up his sword with ease, and carries it as he walks away. The thug turns around with an expression that says “Are you serious?”)

Thug: Uh, Hey kid. You're gonna untie me, right?

(Hitachi stops and looks back.)

Hitachi: Eh, not feeling it. What's in it for me?

(The Thug’s jaw drops)

Thug: What do you mean “What's in it for me?” !? Just let me go already!

Hitachi: Hm… Oh, I know. You’ll be my escort.

+

Action
The thug said it was only a mile away and he was given directions why would he need an escort?

Plus there still a issue of his blade he did not address



+

(The Thug is then dumbstruck)

Thug: … huh?

(The scene switches to back to Yuki and Bryan, Yuki is opening a new chocolate bar, and Bryan is looking at her like shes crazy.)

Bryan: You do realise you threatened a dude you’ve never met before over chocolate, right?

+

Action
So then why is he still there?

All she did was threaten him and forced him to buy her something

Why reason could he have to stick around someone so prone to violence?

Wouldnt he leave right after?

If not him

wouldn’t yuki?

She was this outsider type but now suddenly after the clerk she becomes quite chatty

She's in fact nicer to the guy who pissed her off

 then the clerk who treats her with kindness


+

(Yuki gives Bryan a very serious look, similar to Hitachi’s death stare.)

Yuki: It’s more than chocolate. It’s MY chocolate, making it all the more valuable.

Bryan: … you're weird.

Yuki: And you're rude. We can keep going all day dude.

+

Action
Then Why is she sticking around?

She got what she wanted

Plus neither seem fond of eachother

So why sit next to eachother after such a harsh introduction?

+

(Bryan sighs, then looks back at the shop.)

Bryan: So were you the one who stopped that guy, or not?

+

Action
Didnt Yuki already admit to this?

She made it quite clear

“Yuki: You see what I did to that guy? (Points towards the thief, being dragged off.)”

+

Yuki: Hm? (Chocolate in her mouth.)

Bryan: The criminal, from earlier.

Yuki: Yeah. He was trying to act tough so I kicked his ass.

Bryan: Damn… are you a new Patrol Officer that transferred or something?

+

Action

Odd that he would ask this

after seeing what he saw

Wouldn’t he wonder why she left the crime scene?

Or why a officer would threaten to beat him up over a candy bar?

+

Yuki: What?

Byran: You know, you a Soldier? I feel like I would have seen you before, but maybe not. It is a pretty big city.


+

Action
So are the police and the military the same thing?

Byran went to officer to explaining it to be a soldier of the military

If they are the same thing

 then why are the police acting like humans?

Wouldn’t most have talents?

+

Yuki: Oh, like one of those military kids? Nah, I just go with the flow. Screw school.

Bryan: What?! But you clearly have an awesome Talent if you were able to stop that guy! You should apply!

+

Action

But it was a normal human thug

Yuki said so herself

And it was only one thug

not a gang of em

Couldnt another human beat him?

Wouldnt any talant give a edge in a fight against a human?

Plus why is he surprised?

Most people have powers like her

So wouldn’t this be rather common?

+

Yuki: There's nothing special about it. It’s just some simple Strength. See?

(Yuki takes out a coin, and flips it with her pointer finger and thumb. It sky rockets into the air, and goes out of view for a bit. Bryan is in awe, and Yuki catches the coin as it shoots back to the ground.)

Yuki: Don’t you need some weird Talent to get into it?

Bryan: Well, that's not necessarily true. Even if it's just strength, it's how you use it that counts! Hey, I’m actually going to be applying soon myself, we should do it together! We would probably end up in the same test, but that only adds to the fun.
+

Action
Why does he want to team up with somone like yuki?

His full experience

 was being threatened by her

and then even after buying what she wanted

She continued to be harsh and dismissive

Why would he want someone so prone to violent outburst

And bring her to a academy of heros?

There conversation was rather uneasy and only after taking about her talent did yuki open up and suddenly change

Despite showing how much she did not like the guy and talking to people

Yet shes talking to a “rude”stranger she never met before

She doesn't even know his name yet

But is more open to him then anyone else

+


Yuki: There's a test for something like that? I never would have guessed- Hey wait, I don’t care! I’m not gonna sign up for it. It's a waste of time!

Bryan: Huh? You do something besides threaten people over chocolate?

(Yuki scratches her head for a second.)

Yuki: Well… No, I guess I just relax at home all day... But so what?

Bryan: Oh come on, aren't you bored?! Think of all the cool stuff you could do as an Officer!

+

Action
Why is he so insistent for her to join?

 she's made it clear that she has a very comfortable lifestyle

 and the only thing he has to trade is an assumption that she's bored

and that the job is exciting

But it seems Yuki didn't even enjoy beating up that thug

Or saving the clerk

So why join a force that does just that?

And plus

with the young clearly able to join with or without talents

wouldn't this be a huge militarized force especially with the size of your city?

+

Yuki: Like? Last time I checked they are just younger, glorified cops.

Bryan: Miss, you got yourself some learning to do. Listen, I’ve got to start heading home, but I want to convince you to sign up with me, so lets chat for a bit.

Yuki: Ugh…

+

Action
Then why does she stay?

Not like she owes him

Or is a old friend or something

If she is really that annoyed and uninterested in his offer

Then why does she stay

and continue to allow herself to be annoyed?

+

(The scene switches to Hitachi and the Thug walking through the woods, conversing.)

Hitachi: So, what were you really doing out here.

Thug: What do ya mean?

Hitachi: I doubt you planned to rob people by yourself. Where's the rest of your group.

+

Action
He does know he tried to kill him right?

+

Thug: To be honest, scattered all over the forest.

+

Action
If the group is so spread out they cannot even save a comrade

Or are even aware he was captured

Then what's the difference of being alone?

Be the same results

+


I’m part of this gang ran by this dude named Emilio, never met the guy, but I was invited to the group and decided I needed the cash.

+

Action
Why is he telling hitachi this?

Not like he asked or even threatened

Why is this thug so willing to reveal his gang secrets?

Even giving the name of his leader

And exposing the gang is centered in this forest?

Plus after all that

Hes not afraid of any repercussions for willing spilling the secrets of his gang to a complete stranger?

Also

If he needed cash

How does joining a gang so spread

That can't even help you rob other

help get you money?

Wouldn't he earn more on his own?

Seeing that he pretty much is anyway

+



What's your story kid? Not everyday I meet a kid with crazy Talent like yours.

+

Action
What talent?

All he did was swing a sword

Plus with Yuki saying the wide veriety of talents

How is Hitachi's considered crazy?

Yuki has the same power

+

Hitachi: I’m just a runaway. Hated my parents, so I’m just trying to find a place to fit in. So far, not really working out.

Thug: With that strength, I’m surprised you didn’t just kill ‘em. You got guts kid.

Hitachi: I never said I didn’t respect them. I just hated them. I had no reason to harm them, so I just got up and left.

Thug: Well, If you need, I’m sure we got room for a dude like you. What do yah say?

Hitachi: Thanks, I’ll keep the offer in mind, but I like to keep a low profile. Actually, My plan for blending in was going to try and apply to that school you mentioned earlier. They got dorms for kids who don’t got places to spend the night, free food and shelter never hurt anybody. I’ll just drop out when I find something better.

+

Action
How does Hitachi know so much but had no idea of it's location?

Also if he wanted to just fit in

Then wouldnt a woodland gang prone to violence and no rules be the perfect fit?

Plus it's a forest so it must be hard to be found out

since this gang lives a mile away from a city of super heros

Also

How is joining a rule ridden city the size of tokyo/ NY

And getting into a prestigious superhuman academy
 
Considered a lower profile then living with the woodland thugs?

That apparently hardly anyone knows about?

Plus the thug even mentions how he will be caught with his giant blade

And since Hitachi did not know that

Obviously he did not go there

So why risk going to a city of the unknown when he could get exactly what he wanted

Food
Place to sleep
Belong

Keep his blade

Doing what he wants when he wants

It would seem ideal as he even mentions

He would leave the moment he finds a better deal

+

Thug: Hmm, I see. Well, I guess that makes us enemies.

Hitachi: We weren't already?

+

Action
so the thug threatens him as being enemies

after telling them the crime bosses name

and the general area were all the thugs are at

versus

a super militarized city where apparently these gang members seemingly feel threatened by to not attack

But not enough to move away

Shouldnt the thug be afraid of Hitachi just revealing everything the thug told so willingly to the police?

+

Thug: Heh, guess your right. What's your name, kid? I’ll be sure to keep a look out for you.

Hitachi: Hitachi Justice. And I’ll try and follow your little crime syndicate as well. Who knows, maybe we'll run into each other some time.

(The scene ends with the backs of the characters on the path towards the city, in the forest. The scene switches back to Yuki and Bryan, sitting together outside the shop on a bench nearby.)

Yuki: You really want me to sign up that bad, huh?

(Bryan nods, with a determined face on)

Bryan: You seriously have some skill. The school could use people like you. Lets meet at the schools gates when the next exam rolls around next month.

Yuki:... Fine. I guess I can try it. But I still think it's stupid.

(Bryan grins stupidly as he fist bumps the air)

Bryan: Awesome! By the way miss, the names Bryan. Yours?

Yuki: Yuki. Yuki Versai.

Bryan: Well then, Yuki, I guess I’ll see you in a month! Don't skimp out on me!

Yuki: Yeah, yeah. Don't worry, I really don't have much else to occupy my time. I'll be there.

(Bryan gets up, stretches, and walks off. Yuki simply watches as he walks away. She is holding an empty chocolate bar wrapper in her hands.)

Yuki: (What a weird kid…)

(A clock in a nearby park starts to ring, and Yuki looks as if she forgot something.)

Yuki: *censored*! My Train!

(Yuki bolts in the opposite direction of Bryan.)

END CHAPTER


Ending thoughts

although an interesting premise

The constant establishment of your world conflicts with what we are constantly seeing

Against what is happening

Such as the intro seeming to be a casual story

The world fit then

But then we got superpowers and find out that there are more with powers then without

And with each new development of the story

The world itself does not seem to be developed alongside it

I enjoy Yuki as she seen the most developed of your cast even with the small time we had

but her constant choices and actions conflict with how she acts and who she is


And with the world established as it is

 yet seemingly not changing whatsoever is hard to understand the presence of anything

It truly does seem like a clash of ideas something that has been developed over time and changed from the start with elements of the past versions of the story

All mixed together

The greatest bit of advice I could give is to show a cause and effect in your story

I understand the story starts here

But

In the Dragon universe life has gone on for longer

We just pick up at it's most interesting point

Your world needs to reflect that

In both fiction and even our own world

When something is introduced

We adapt to it

For example in fiction such as marvel

When Mutants started popping up all over the world

Humanity gathered in fear and created anti mutant mesures and create a machine that was designed purely to hunt them down and eliminate them

In Avatar the last air bender

Bending was so well versed that they used it for everything
Earth kingdom had the Mail delivery

Fire nation had the industrial edge

Water tribe had chi healing

Air nomads had gliders

I know there is more but see how their world was affected and evolved due to what it was?

Even in My hero academia

Despite the world mostly having super heros

The lure of fame and glore turned most super humans to heros

Although there was some who did it for justice

This helps even the tide against a world of super villains

The world changed and glorified the heros

Thus most stayed heros

That's why when a villain shows up

Eveyone is so casual

Because so many have super powers

One is bound to save the day


So in short

There just needs to be a world that has adapted to this event in one way or another
Could be positive
Could be negative
But it should never remain the same

Still it was a nice read

I look forward to your work


and Ill continue reviewing your chapter 2^^
-Action
« Last Edit: March 03, 2019, 08:17:10 AM by Action Animation »

Offline PichuDX

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Re: Dragon Universe (Shonen)
« Reply #22 on: March 03, 2019, 11:25:09 AM »
{ Chapter 1 Review Commentary and Feedback }
I'll post my responses here in case people are interested in what goes into writing, like world building and such. I think this stuff is interesting anyways :P

Spoiler

Hey, before getting into discussing the review, just wanted to say thanks a ton! I really do appreciate this level of care in analysing my work, I’ve been looking for someone to take my work and try and pick it apart like this, it helps a ton as a writer!
Some things I don’t bring up because I don’t want my responses to feel repetitive, and a lot of things that answer one question, for the most part, explain another as well.
Also, I felt that some may have just been small nit picks, so I decided to focus on the questions and major issues brought up.
I’ll answer everything in order, and list the response I'm referring to below:

1.

*
A suggestion
instead of Yuki saying exposition of the dream being---

“after all these years, does it still haunt me”

why not instead just have her expression tell the story?

If it's “Haunting” as in recurring then perhaps having her eyes suddenly open up

Her expression of fear is only brief as it fades into a weary sigh

It would imply this is a haunting dream but also something she has dealt with for a long while

But also leave it ambiguous to whether this is just a recurring nightmare or perhaps a flashback

Without having her to boldface tell the audience that this was her past

And

Action
A suggestion
Instead of telling the audience how bothered she is by her dream

Why not show her doing the chores as she was

But with each chore her expression becomes more lost in thought

Before she shakes her head and looks for a distraction

Thus the tv and chips bit

*


Before answering a this, allow my to provide some context to myself and the team. When I wrote the script, it was about 2016, so that’s when I formed a team of about 4 artists and myself. As we moved towards mid 2018 I began about a 5 or 6 month long break from writing the manga. As these things go, the artist who did the section right after the dream prologue will no longer be working on the manga, which is a shame. However this allows us to re work that portion specifically, as we want the art to flow better from page to page. I will definitely rewrite this section, as I struggled with it a lot when first writing it, and I will take your critique into consideration!

2.

*
Action
“There seems to be no end to this new crime wave, with every passing day the crime rate must be skyrocketing”.
“a local, small shop has been ravaged and cleaned out”

As it's implied there is a crime wave

And the words “rebuilding our nation” implies a great event with the supers has occurred

Then why has the world yet adapted?

The news talks about the police but nothing about supervillains

Nor the military who is training young crime fighters

It's treating it as world like our own

While later on we learn that the majority of the public have super powers

Seeing that Yuki is older than 9 years old and has super strength due to the tree

What kind of precedence do either the police or the military have?
Seeing that there is a crime wave they are unable to deter and is growing bigger

It's become so known that even a shut in like Yuki knows about them

And  jokes around about joining them

But later on we learn the city she visits is well known for its academy of superhuman justice force

So obviously it's been established for quite some time

But how can it be well known if crime has not decreased but increased?

It's strange how such a society has not been consumed by anarchy especially after that line of rebuilding our nation

*
I’m glad you picked up on how strange it is that even though there was an established legal system in a city like Toaru, which is held in high prestige for its well trained military students, there still seems to be a spike in crime. Although it’s a bit spoiler heavy, there is an explanation for this. To put it simply, as to not spoil anyone who may take interest in this commentary, it is possible that many things could influence the crime rate, whether it be a corrupt system of power, or lack of trust in the pre-established system. Toaru is a big city, filled with vastly different people. Many of those people are visionaries, who want to see things done their way. Place this kind of ambition in the wrong (or in some cases right) hands, and you can get a power struggle for dominance in the city, both on an underground level and a professional level. It hasn’t been touched upon yet, but there are many factions outside of Feilio’s gang, ClaW, and Dragon University, both legal and illegal. As the manga progresses, their motives will become clear.
Also,
The tree is a key plot point, hold onto that.


3.
*

If this Claw gang is so skilled and so confident they won't get caught

Why not rob a bank?

It's apparent they don't want to be discrete or otherwise they would not leave their name all over
And seeing it was only for financial gain wouldn't robbing a area with a less concentration of police and superheros be a better option?

Rather then robbing small stores right next to the law?

It's just more risk for less reward

Furthermore

If this crime spree is on the rise and apparently it centers around robbing for monetary gain

Store owner vs Thug
Hitachi vs Thug
Robbed store vs Claw

All centered around money and valuables

So wouldn’t the cops keep a special eye on business districts? Seeing at most crime is centered on that end?

*

To this, I will say keep an eye out as ClaW’s members are introduced in more detail. While their leader may not agree with this sort of vandalism, this falls into the personality of one sole member in particular, who personally feels he has no trouble taking on the law enforcement in Toaru. He also doesn't do it for monetary gain, but more for his own amusement. Also, It hasn’t been said outright, but for the sake of commentary, Teddy and Shake are two of the four members in ClaW, and neither of them did this (Shake was at the scene of the crime, but it was who he was with who commited the crime.)
And
There are small time thugs, like the one Yuki takes down, who do it for monetary gain. For this, lower ranked classes at Dragon University and newbie cops handle it. These thugs really aren't an issue, they are just taking advantage of the crime spike.

4.
*
If yuki dislikes going into town with people so much

Then why does she only buy so little?

It just forces her to do it frequently 

We see later the city runs normal so it's not like a food shortage

And seeing how casual she is about getting food apparently she has money to pay for it

So why wouldn’t she buy as much food as possible and stay in her home in the woods?
*

Honestly, this was just a set up to get Yuki to run into Bryan. While she hates being around people, shes smart enough to know she’d probably go crazy if she locked herself in her mansion. (+2 points to me for the improvised Character Motive BS :D)

5.
*
If this is set in modern times seeing as there's a TV electricity and other common appliances we have today

why is there a gang of woodland thugs?

if crime is on the rise meaning more thugs are getting bold

Why is this gang hanging out in a place where not much people go through?

It's not like there afraid to get caught seeing as it's later established that they are only a mile away from a town swarming with cops and a superhero academy

So why are they here?
*

The thugs are located out of the city’s law enforcement’s jurisdiction. It's safer and easier to get away if things get dicey. Also, the thug was discussing a small part of a much larger gang, they are not strictly based in the forested area, they are simply there the catch travelers like Hitachi.
Also
The modern mixed with these more barbaric, fantasy styled encounters is, again, tied to the Talent Tree. I would explain, but that would spoil a lot ;3

6.
*

Why did the thug bother talking to Hitachi?

the thug clearly shows he has no issue getting violent

which fits the theme of a world in chaos

That he could kill hitachi and know a dead body won't be found

so why would this Amoral thug waste his breath threatening and warning someone he plans to rob and/or kill? Especially if there is no consequence due to his location

*

He’s just a bad thug, like the man in the convenience store. As Yuki points out, anyone with a Talent, the majority of the population, could easily take them down. These rookie type thugs are appearing more due to the crime spike. Which I should mention began not long before the Manga starts, and is explained in detail later.

7.

*

a small question
Yuki just left her home that you establish in the woods

 I assume you have that location to explain why she has not yet been bothered by the crime wave

 but seeing as this takes place within the same day just how far are these woods and a giant bustling city to be within walking distance apparently?

*

The city is surrounded by this wooded area, with the wooded area leading to other small villages and towns, but none as big and thriving as Toaru. This is due to the presence of the Science Talent based Regold Inc., whos HQ is located in the city. They are introduced a little bit in chapter 2, and right after the Exam mini set up Arc wraps up. The second real mission Alpha team (Yuki, Bryan, and Hitachi) are assigned centers around protecting that HQ from ClaW, and during this mission a lot is explained about the sudden and rapid growth of technology and the influence in the city.

8.

*

This is a recurring issue

With the establishment of a crime wave and even the earlier bit of stores being robbed

And on top of that, not only are most getting away scott free

But We later learn there are super powered villains

So Why is there no effect on this world?

It's seems so casual

There is no security

No extra police patrols

The stores and shops don't even have a means to defend themselves against a normal thug much less a super powered one

Despite all the exposition that the crime is happening right next door to them

They do nothing to prevent it

*

The crime wave is fairly recent, although crime has been a recurring issue in the city. Talents becoming more dominant in the big city, being linked to opportunities in the economy, and the sudden growth of its economy are mainly to blame. The rapid growth leaves little to no time for properly regulating the streets. That is why a school like Dragon University exists, to help prevent these crimes from occurring.

9.

*

The police must be spread thin for the thug to be bold enough to rob a store in broad daylight

But what about the super heros? Where are they?

*

The police and the Officers (Students trained by the school) are spread thin due to the spike in crime, so it’s impossible for them to be everywhere at once. Also, while the Police can respond immediately, the Officers function on a case by case system. For example, let’s say Yuki didn’t stop the thief and he got away. The usual protocol would be the clerk calling the police, and if the police can’t respond fast enough to the crime, or if an Officer is in the immediate area, the Officer is asked to handle the situation. Or, in the case of Black Ops (Class 0 [Alpha and Bravo Team], ) They will receive reports in class and investigate longer running issues instead of small crime like shown in this first chapter. Handling these investigations counts towards their class grade, where as most classes in the school spend half of their day studying, and the other half doing field work like this thief.

10.

*

then why doesn't he?

Hes bold enough to rob a store with just a hoodie

Without covering his face or his man beard

So it seems he doesn't care if he is recognized

It really doesn't feel like the police or the superheros have any presence or effect in this world

or

He just plans to kill them to keep his identity a secret

Still with most crimes happening all over

Would he even get caught?

*
As Yuki picks up on, the thief didn’t really have the guts or the intention to kill anyone. Your correct in assuming he could have easily shot out the store from afar and gotten away free, but the man was in a rush, and instead he was careless. His plan was to rush in, scare the clerk into giving him the money, and rush out, much like how most small time robberies are in the real world.
11.
*
Why does she buy so less the before?

It's established she's out of food and dislikes interacting with people

How long would a bar last her?

*

I feel that I have answered this, but for a bit more context, Yuki Isn’t a complete shut-in. She hates interaction with people, but she can hold her own in society. She also has a tendency to do things on the spot, hence the purchase of a bar, even though she went out for chips. In her mind, she just wanted another set of snacks, she didn’t care much for what it was in the end.

12.

*

Who called the cops?

The gun was not fired

Only the thug thrown out the window

And suddenly the cops arrive?

How can they be so quick to a crime but are also powerless to deter it?

Do the super heros not have any involvement?

Plus would this cause a issue?

It's not like the clerk does not know Yuki

Apparently she's their favorite

So Yuki shops there often it seems

So wouldn't the clerk be able to tell a lot of details about her?

What's more he now knows she's one of the talented

A superhuman

Do the police or military not care about a super humans not in the military or living in the city?

But clearly seems to be able to act violently hense the thug?

Does this world not have some system that could keep track of superhumans and their powers?

It's understandable for villains to not be in the system

That's why their extra dangerous

But wouldn't that go for other superheroes as well?

*

I love this set of questions, because I do have things in place to answer most of these later on. First of all, it's implied that the store clerk alerts the police off camera (meaning its not shown, off camera is just really the only way I know how to word it haha, must be my video class lessons kicking in.) This is implied much better in the actual artwork for the chapter, as Yuki asks the question to buy the chips and bar, and then is shown on the next page walking away from the store, and she had already made the purchase.
Second, I think it’s answered a little bit after this event, but it’s implied that a lot of people have Talents. The world, therefore, is centered around Talents. There are systems in place to track most talents (Think of a less strict Psycho Pass legal system, where they have most people on record, but not everyone.) The Principal and founder of Dragon University, Hirigo, explains this later, and he has connections to the government that runs the nation their in. This allows him to keep track of his students, and brings up key plot points about both Yuki and Hirigo (I think I hint this plot point in Ch. 2 or Ch. 3 a little bit, while they are still in the hospital.) The not keeping track of some individuals is, again, linked back to the growth of Toaru. A lot of people easily slipped through the cracks as the government set up their dominance.

13.

*
She says this but apparently not
The store owner had no means to defend himself

even against a common thug

In a world of super villains
*

It’s never said that the clerk couldn’t defend himself if he had too, it just didn’t escalate that far thanks to Yuki. Though, most people who end up in positions like store clerks or more real world positions typically don’t have combat centric Talents.

14.

*
what talents is she referring to?

Ones that can shine through?

 Seeing as she says

there is such a wide range of superpowers that could do more than any person could

what talent could she possibly be referring to? she feels needs to be known?

 that she would want to see more of?

*

During the course of the Manga, I plan on touching upon the idea of people with inhuman abilities V.s real skill. In this bit, Yuki is upset that real talented people, in the real world sense, can’t really shine as much as they used too because everyone now can use super powers, so everyone is, in essence, “Special”. This also hints that the world wasn’t always centered around Talents.

15.

*
This is another issue

So now it's established that the majority of the world has super powers from the talent tree

So those like the clerk without powers are a rarity

So that means the majority of people not involved in the military or police or even a gang

Have super powers

But the world remains the same

Even the clerk is unprepared in a city known for it's crime and apparently super villains

And even the common thug is unprepared for a superhuman

Despite them being everywhere

There is no adaption

No countermeasure now that almost everyone is a walking unknown weapon

But it also does not add up

If majority have super powers

Then why is there a crime spree?

You would never know the person your mugging could breathe fire

Or have super speed

It make doing any illegal act a struggle

A game of chance

And yet the clerk is surprised?

Shouldn't it be yuki who is surprised that he and the thug have no powers?

A superhuman beating a common human

Wouldn't that be expected?

*

Though I wanted to address this more towards the end, you mention superheroes and supervillains often. The true villains in this world are a lot more subtle, smarter, and scheming then the typical thugs used as exposition in the first chapter. Like I mentioned, the two shown in Ch. 1 are small time thugs, they are trying to get away with something they obviously can’t, and that's why they don’t. At the end of the day, they are just dumb goons who tried to take advantage of a city in disarray, and in the end were overconfident in their tactics.
A real villains, let’s say ClaW as a whole, move as a group. They make (For the most part, as seen in Ch. 2) planned attacks, and know their way around the city enough, both the layout and the hierarchy, to get away with certain things, while having an ultimate goal in mind.

16.

*
Are they not right in front of him?

“ He moves back a bit as the criminal is pushed out of the shop, and dragged off by the police”
Bryan: Aw, I missed the action… where the hell are the Officers?
*

I know I already addressed this, but he is referring to students, dubbed Officers. I know it may seem confusing, but this becomes much more clear once class actually starts. Bryan is also meant to come of as a big fanboy for the senior students, or Officers, at the school, hence his reaction.

17.

*
Plus last we left off

The clerk asked yuki to stay

she did not

And the clerk was being questioned

Then suddenly

Yuki comes back with a guy he would not recognize

Buys a chocolate bar while the clerk is being questioned

And both the clerk and police just let her go on her way?
*

Yup, pretty much. For a bit of context to my style of humor, I used to write a lot of small series and sketches for Youtube animators (CultureCrash, Braydoi, smaller stuff on Newgrounds), so this is just my style of small, quick humor mixed in to the normal story.

18.

*
Then how is this city under a crime wave skyrocketing each day?

Wouldn't this be the safest place to be?

And how does hitachi know details of the academy but not it's location?
*
Actually, it's the opposite, the only reason it has such a strong legal and military presence is because of the cities important areas (Its economy, scientific nature, and large amount of civilians) are constantly under fire by criminals. The University and Police are there to counteract this.
Also
Hitachi is not from around this area, which is implied. Him knowing about the University helps show that the University is held in high regard, even outside of the city. It’s like how you can know about a college, but not know much about the area around it.

19.

*
So then why is he still there?

All she did was threaten him and forced him to buy her something

Why reason could he have to stick around someone so prone to violence?

Wouldn’t he leave right after?

If not him

wouldn’t yuki?

She was this outsider type but now suddenly after the clerk she becomes quite chatty

She's in fact nicer to the guy who pissed her off

 then the clerk who treats her with kindness
*

A few things. First, in the actual artwork, she doesn't come off as so cold to the clerk when she first enters the store. So her acting this way is out of character, just not as much as you might feel it is. Next, this is right after purchasing the bar, so they just exited the store and are walking in the same direction. Bryan is generally a chatty type, so he sticks around. The conversation then keeps Yuki around. She doesn't like people, but she isn’t so disrespectful that she would just ignore and walk away from someone.

20.

*
Or why a officer would threaten to beat him up over a candy bar?
*
Bryan isn’t the brightest. Also, people can be Officers, but still be kind of a prick. Tetsuya fits this stereotype in a few chapters down the line, once the Exams start. But even he has his motives for being a good guy rather than being a criminal.

21.

*
So are the police and the military the same thing?

Bryan went to officer to explaining it to be a soldier of the military

If they are the same thing

 then why are the police acting like humans?

Wouldn’t most have talents?
*
I believe I may have fixed the Soldier bit in the final pages, I think that was a mistake from an earlier mockup of the script, as that’s what I originally called Officers. And Yes, most Police officers do have Talents. Again, most of the population does, but I guess a good comparison would be My Hero Academia, where even though everyone has a Quirk, not all of them are fit for combat, some just simply get lucky. Even if you could use it in combat, some people would rather a different style of living than dedicating years of training to enhancing their Talents.

22.
*
Why is he so insistent for her to join?

 she's made it clear that she has a very comfortable lifestyle

 and the only thing he has to trade is an assumption that she's bored

and that the job is exciting

But it seems Yuki didn't even enjoy beating up that thug

Or saving the clerk

So why join a force that does just that?

And plus

with the young clearly able to join with or without talents

wouldn't this be a huge militarized force especially with the size of your city?

*

Bryan assumes that Yuki beat him up out of kindness, not because he annoyed her. Also the University is specifically centered around training students to enter the military and police force, however they are not the only school. It just happens to be a career path for those who have a good combat sense compared to their peers. Bryan seems to know and care a lot about the school, and that's part of the point of his character, which is explained later, towards the end off the Exams and during their normal time at the school.

23.
*
He does know he tried to kill him right?

*
Hitachi just rolls like that. He knows that he can easily defeat the thug again if he needs too, and he also knows he’s in no position to turn the thug in, as he is in a position where interacting with the police could be bad for him (His weapon and the fact he’s a runaway)

24.

*

If the group is so spread out they cannot even save a comrade

Or are even aware he was captured

Then what's the difference of being alone?

Be the same results

*

That’s why he’s at the bottom of the barrel, the gang honestly doesn't care if a no life like him gets himself caught. He has no links to the head of the gang anyways, so he is of no concern to them, just another source of revenue. Also I realise that this is definitely an older script, because Emilio was renamed to Feilio in the official script.

25.
 *
What talent?

All he did was swing a sword

Plus with Yuki saying the wide veriety of talents

How is Hitachi's considered crazy?

Yuki has the same power

+

Hitachi’s sword is really big, like cloud strife big. There are different levels to Talents, someone can be more proficient in Strength than another, like Hitachi’s ability to wield a greatsword like its a simple bat, where as Yuki can be much more skillful in how she fights with her Talent, using her natural skill in swordplay and her basic strength Talent at the same time.


Overall, I understand the cause and effect aspect you are mentioning, however where the manga starts off IS the cause and effect taking place. Give it a few chapters in, and I think you’ll start to see what I mean by that. (Except the Talent Tree portion, I’d give it a good 15 chapters in before I get to really touch on it.) For example, The university recruiting new students and the news station urging people to take action is the effect of the crime rising. I don’t think the chapter spends enough time focusing on the world building like future chapters will, and I think that may be where you started to draw your own conclusions as to what might be going on. However that’s exactly what I want people to do when they read my work, I want discussion and ideas about what could possibly be happening, and overtime I’ll slowly hint and peel back the curtain a bit.

Essentially, I dropped the reader into a world that is till in the process of adjusting. Why they are still adjusting, and why it’s taken so long, will be explained in time.

I appreciate your feedback, and I really do hope you do the same for future chapter!



I can't wait for more feedback!

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Re: Dragon Universe (Shonen)
« Reply #23 on: March 03, 2019, 06:06:03 PM »
{ Chapter 1 Review Commentary and Feedback }
I'll post my responses here in case people are interested in what goes into writing, like world building and such. I think this stuff is interesting anyways :P

Spoiler

Hey, before getting into discussing the review, just wanted to say thanks a ton! I really do appreciate this level of care in analysing my work, I’ve been looking for someone to take my work and try and pick it apart like this, it helps a ton as a writer!
Some things I don’t bring up because I don’t want my responses to feel repetitive, and a lot of things that answer one question, for the most part, explain another as well.
Also, I felt that some may have just been small nit picks, so I decided to focus on the questions and major issues brought up.
I’ll answer everything in order, and list the response I'm referring to below:

1.

*
A suggestion
instead of Yuki saying exposition of the dream being---

“after all these years, does it still haunt me”

why not instead just have her expression tell the story?

If it's “Haunting” as in recurring then perhaps having her eyes suddenly open up

Her expression of fear is only brief as it fades into a weary sigh

It would imply this is a haunting dream but also something she has dealt with for a long while

But also leave it ambiguous to whether this is just a recurring nightmare or perhaps a flashback

Without having her to boldface tell the audience that this was her past

And

Action
A suggestion
Instead of telling the audience how bothered she is by her dream

Why not show her doing the chores as she was

But with each chore her expression becomes more lost in thought

Before she shakes her head and looks for a distraction

Thus the tv and chips bit

*


Before answering a this, allow my to provide some context to myself and the team. When I wrote the script, it was about 2016, so that’s when I formed a team of about 4 artists and myself. As we moved towards mid 2018 I began about a 5 or 6 month long break from writing the manga. As these things go, the artist who did the section right after the dream prologue will no longer be working on the manga, which is a shame. However this allows us to re work that portion specifically, as we want the art to flow better from page to page. I will definitely rewrite this section, as I struggled with it a lot when first writing it, and I will take your critique into consideration!

2.

*
Action
“There seems to be no end to this new crime wave, with every passing day the crime rate must be skyrocketing”.
“a local, small shop has been ravaged and cleaned out”

As it's implied there is a crime wave

And the words “rebuilding our nation” implies a great event with the supers has occurred

Then why has the world yet adapted?

The news talks about the police but nothing about supervillains

Nor the military who is training young crime fighters

It's treating it as world like our own

While later on we learn that the majority of the public have super powers

Seeing that Yuki is older than 9 years old and has super strength due to the tree

What kind of precedence do either the police or the military have?
Seeing that there is a crime wave they are unable to deter and is growing bigger

It's become so known that even a shut in like Yuki knows about them

And  jokes around about joining them

But later on we learn the city she visits is well known for its academy of superhuman justice force

So obviously it's been established for quite some time

But how can it be well known if crime has not decreased but increased?

It's strange how such a society has not been consumed by anarchy especially after that line of rebuilding our nation

*
I’m glad you picked up on how strange it is that even though there was an established legal system in a city like Toaru, which is held in high prestige for its well trained military students, there still seems to be a spike in crime. Although it’s a bit spoiler heavy, there is an explanation for this. To put it simply, as to not spoil anyone who may take interest in this commentary, it is possible that many things could influence the crime rate, whether it be a corrupt system of power, or lack of trust in the pre-established system. Toaru is a big city, filled with vastly different people. Many of those people are visionaries, who want to see things done their way. Place this kind of ambition in the wrong (or in some cases right) hands, and you can get a power struggle for dominance in the city, both on an underground level and a professional level. It hasn’t been touched upon yet, but there are many factions outside of Feilio’s gang, ClaW, and Dragon University, both legal and illegal. As the manga progresses, their motives will become clear.
Also,
The tree is a key plot point, hold onto that.


3.
*

If this Claw gang is so skilled and so confident they won't get caught

Why not rob a bank?

It's apparent they don't want to be discrete or otherwise they would not leave their name all over
And seeing it was only for financial gain wouldn't robbing a area with a less concentration of police and superheros be a better option?

Rather then robbing small stores right next to the law?

It's just more risk for less reward

Furthermore

If this crime spree is on the rise and apparently it centers around robbing for monetary gain

Store owner vs Thug
Hitachi vs Thug
Robbed store vs Claw

All centered around money and valuables

So wouldn’t the cops keep a special eye on business districts? Seeing at most crime is centered on that end?

*

To this, I will say keep an eye out as ClaW’s members are introduced in more detail. While their leader may not agree with this sort of vandalism, this falls into the personality of one sole member in particular, who personally feels he has no trouble taking on the law enforcement in Toaru. He also doesn't do it for monetary gain, but more for his own amusement. Also, It hasn’t been said outright, but for the sake of commentary, Teddy and Shake are two of the four members in ClaW, and neither of them did this (Shake was at the scene of the crime, but it was who he was with who commited the crime.)
And
There are small time thugs, like the one Yuki takes down, who do it for monetary gain. For this, lower ranked classes at Dragon University and newbie cops handle it. These thugs really aren't an issue, they are just taking advantage of the crime spike.

4.
*
If yuki dislikes going into town with people so much

Then why does she only buy so little?

It just forces her to do it frequently 

We see later the city runs normal so it's not like a food shortage

And seeing how casual she is about getting food apparently she has money to pay for it

So why wouldn’t she buy as much food as possible and stay in her home in the woods?
*

Honestly, this was just a set up to get Yuki to run into Bryan. While she hates being around people, shes smart enough to know she’d probably go crazy if she locked herself in her mansion. (+2 points to me for the improvised Character Motive BS :D)

5.
*
If this is set in modern times seeing as there's a TV electricity and other common appliances we have today

why is there a gang of woodland thugs?

if crime is on the rise meaning more thugs are getting bold

Why is this gang hanging out in a place where not much people go through?

It's not like there afraid to get caught seeing as it's later established that they are only a mile away from a town swarming with cops and a superhero academy

So why are they here?
*

The thugs are located out of the city’s law enforcement’s jurisdiction. It's safer and easier to get away if things get dicey. Also, the thug was discussing a small part of a much larger gang, they are not strictly based in the forested area, they are simply there the catch travelers like Hitachi.
Also
The modern mixed with these more barbaric, fantasy styled encounters is, again, tied to the Talent Tree. I would explain, but that would spoil a lot ;3

6.
*

Why did the thug bother talking to Hitachi?

the thug clearly shows he has no issue getting violent

which fits the theme of a world in chaos

That he could kill hitachi and know a dead body won't be found

so why would this Amoral thug waste his breath threatening and warning someone he plans to rob and/or kill? Especially if there is no consequence due to his location

*

He’s just a bad thug, like the man in the convenience store. As Yuki points out, anyone with a Talent, the majority of the population, could easily take them down. These rookie type thugs are appearing more due to the crime spike. Which I should mention began not long before the Manga starts, and is explained in detail later.

7.

*

a small question
Yuki just left her home that you establish in the woods

 I assume you have that location to explain why she has not yet been bothered by the crime wave

 but seeing as this takes place within the same day just how far are these woods and a giant bustling city to be within walking distance apparently?

*

The city is surrounded by this wooded area, with the wooded area leading to other small villages and towns, but none as big and thriving as Toaru. This is due to the presence of the Science Talent based Regold Inc., whos HQ is located in the city. They are introduced a little bit in chapter 2, and right after the Exam mini set up Arc wraps up. The second real mission Alpha team (Yuki, Bryan, and Hitachi) are assigned centers around protecting that HQ from ClaW, and during this mission a lot is explained about the sudden and rapid growth of technology and the influence in the city.

8.

*

This is a recurring issue

With the establishment of a crime wave and even the earlier bit of stores being robbed

And on top of that, not only are most getting away scott free

But We later learn there are super powered villains

So Why is there no effect on this world?

It's seems so casual

There is no security

No extra police patrols

The stores and shops don't even have a means to defend themselves against a normal thug much less a super powered one

Despite all the exposition that the crime is happening right next door to them

They do nothing to prevent it

*

The crime wave is fairly recent, although crime has been a recurring issue in the city. Talents becoming more dominant in the big city, being linked to opportunities in the economy, and the sudden growth of its economy are mainly to blame. The rapid growth leaves little to no time for properly regulating the streets. That is why a school like Dragon University exists, to help prevent these crimes from occurring.

9.

*

The police must be spread thin for the thug to be bold enough to rob a store in broad daylight

But what about the super heros? Where are they?

*

The police and the Officers (Students trained by the school) are spread thin due to the spike in crime, so it’s impossible for them to be everywhere at once. Also, while the Police can respond immediately, the Officers function on a case by case system. For example, let’s say Yuki didn’t stop the thief and he got away. The usual protocol would be the clerk calling the police, and if the police can’t respond fast enough to the crime, or if an Officer is in the immediate area, the Officer is asked to handle the situation. Or, in the case of Black Ops (Class 0 [Alpha and Bravo Team], ) They will receive reports in class and investigate longer running issues instead of small crime like shown in this first chapter. Handling these investigations counts towards their class grade, where as most classes in the school spend half of their day studying, and the other half doing field work like this thief.

10.

*

then why doesn't he?

Hes bold enough to rob a store with just a hoodie

Without covering his face or his man beard

So it seems he doesn't care if he is recognized

It really doesn't feel like the police or the superheros have any presence or effect in this world

or

He just plans to kill them to keep his identity a secret

Still with most crimes happening all over

Would he even get caught?

*
As Yuki picks up on, the thief didn’t really have the guts or the intention to kill anyone. Your correct in assuming he could have easily shot out the store from afar and gotten away free, but the man was in a rush, and instead he was careless. His plan was to rush in, scare the clerk into giving him the money, and rush out, much like how most small time robberies are in the real world.
11.
*
Why does she buy so less the before?

It's established she's out of food and dislikes interacting with people

How long would a bar last her?

*

I feel that I have answered this, but for a bit more context, Yuki Isn’t a complete shut-in. She hates interaction with people, but she can hold her own in society. She also has a tendency to do things on the spot, hence the purchase of a bar, even though she went out for chips. In her mind, she just wanted another set of snacks, she didn’t care much for what it was in the end.

12.

*

Who called the cops?

The gun was not fired

Only the thug thrown out the window

And suddenly the cops arrive?

How can they be so quick to a crime but are also powerless to deter it?

Do the super heros not have any involvement?

Plus would this cause a issue?

It's not like the clerk does not know Yuki

Apparently she's their favorite

So Yuki shops there often it seems

So wouldn't the clerk be able to tell a lot of details about her?

What's more he now knows she's one of the talented

A superhuman

Do the police or military not care about a super humans not in the military or living in the city?

But clearly seems to be able to act violently hense the thug?

Does this world not have some system that could keep track of superhumans and their powers?

It's understandable for villains to not be in the system

That's why their extra dangerous

But wouldn't that go for other superheroes as well?

*

I love this set of questions, because I do have things in place to answer most of these later on. First of all, it's implied that the store clerk alerts the police off camera (meaning its not shown, off camera is just really the only way I know how to word it haha, must be my video class lessons kicking in.) This is implied much better in the actual artwork for the chapter, as Yuki asks the question to buy the chips and bar, and then is shown on the next page walking away from the store, and she had already made the purchase.
Second, I think it’s answered a little bit after this event, but it’s implied that a lot of people have Talents. The world, therefore, is centered around Talents. There are systems in place to track most talents (Think of a less strict Psycho Pass legal system, where they have most people on record, but not everyone.) The Principal and founder of Dragon University, Hirigo, explains this later, and he has connections to the government that runs the nation their in. This allows him to keep track of his students, and brings up key plot points about both Yuki and Hirigo (I think I hint this plot point in Ch. 2 or Ch. 3 a little bit, while they are still in the hospital.) The not keeping track of some individuals is, again, linked back to the growth of Toaru. A lot of people easily slipped through the cracks as the government set up their dominance.

13.

*
She says this but apparently not
The store owner had no means to defend himself

even against a common thug

In a world of super villains
*

It’s never said that the clerk couldn’t defend himself if he had too, it just didn’t escalate that far thanks to Yuki. Though, most people who end up in positions like store clerks or more real world positions typically don’t have combat centric Talents.

14.

*
what talents is she referring to?

Ones that can shine through?

 Seeing as she says

there is such a wide range of superpowers that could do more than any person could

what talent could she possibly be referring to? she feels needs to be known?

 that she would want to see more of?

*

During the course of the Manga, I plan on touching upon the idea of people with inhuman abilities V.s real skill. In this bit, Yuki is upset that real talented people, in the real world sense, can’t really shine as much as they used too because everyone now can use super powers, so everyone is, in essence, “Special”. This also hints that the world wasn’t always centered around Talents.

15.

*
This is another issue

So now it's established that the majority of the world has super powers from the talent tree

So those like the clerk without powers are a rarity

So that means the majority of people not involved in the military or police or even a gang

Have super powers

But the world remains the same

Even the clerk is unprepared in a city known for it's crime and apparently super villains

And even the common thug is unprepared for a superhuman

Despite them being everywhere

There is no adaption

No countermeasure now that almost everyone is a walking unknown weapon

But it also does not add up

If majority have super powers

Then why is there a crime spree?

You would never know the person your mugging could breathe fire

Or have super speed

It make doing any illegal act a struggle

A game of chance

And yet the clerk is surprised?

Shouldn't it be yuki who is surprised that he and the thug have no powers?

A superhuman beating a common human

Wouldn't that be expected?

*

Though I wanted to address this more towards the end, you mention superheroes and supervillains often. The true villains in this world are a lot more subtle, smarter, and scheming then the typical thugs used as exposition in the first chapter. Like I mentioned, the two shown in Ch. 1 are small time thugs, they are trying to get away with something they obviously can’t, and that's why they don’t. At the end of the day, they are just dumb goons who tried to take advantage of a city in disarray, and in the end were overconfident in their tactics.
A real villains, let’s say ClaW as a whole, move as a group. They make (For the most part, as seen in Ch. 2) planned attacks, and know their way around the city enough, both the layout and the hierarchy, to get away with certain things, while having an ultimate goal in mind.

16.

*
Are they not right in front of him?

“ He moves back a bit as the criminal is pushed out of the shop, and dragged off by the police”
Bryan: Aw, I missed the action… where the hell are the Officers?
*

I know I already addressed this, but he is referring to students, dubbed Officers. I know it may seem confusing, but this becomes much more clear once class actually starts. Bryan is also meant to come of as a big fanboy for the senior students, or Officers, at the school, hence his reaction.

17.

*
Plus last we left off

The clerk asked yuki to stay

she did not

And the clerk was being questioned

Then suddenly

Yuki comes back with a guy he would not recognize

Buys a chocolate bar while the clerk is being questioned

And both the clerk and police just let her go on her way?
*

Yup, pretty much. For a bit of context to my style of humor, I used to write a lot of small series and sketches for Youtube animators (CultureCrash, Braydoi, smaller stuff on Newgrounds), so this is just my style of small, quick humor mixed in to the normal story.

18.

*
Then how is this city under a crime wave skyrocketing each day?

Wouldn't this be the safest place to be?

And how does hitachi know details of the academy but not it's location?
*
Actually, it's the opposite, the only reason it has such a strong legal and military presence is because of the cities important areas (Its economy, scientific nature, and large amount of civilians) are constantly under fire by criminals. The University and Police are there to counteract this.
Also
Hitachi is not from around this area, which is implied. Him knowing about the University helps show that the University is held in high regard, even outside of the city. It’s like how you can know about a college, but not know much about the area around it.

19.

*
So then why is he still there?

All she did was threaten him and forced him to buy her something

Why reason could he have to stick around someone so prone to violence?

Wouldn’t he leave right after?

If not him

wouldn’t yuki?

She was this outsider type but now suddenly after the clerk she becomes quite chatty

She's in fact nicer to the guy who pissed her off

 then the clerk who treats her with kindness
*

A few things. First, in the actual artwork, she doesn't come off as so cold to the clerk when she first enters the store. So her acting this way is out of character, just not as much as you might feel it is. Next, this is right after purchasing the bar, so they just exited the store and are walking in the same direction. Bryan is generally a chatty type, so he sticks around. The conversation then keeps Yuki around. She doesn't like people, but she isn’t so disrespectful that she would just ignore and walk away from someone.

20.

*
Or why a officer would threaten to beat him up over a candy bar?
*
Bryan isn’t the brightest. Also, people can be Officers, but still be kind of a prick. Tetsuya fits this stereotype in a few chapters down the line, once the Exams start. But even he has his motives for being a good guy rather than being a criminal.

21.

*
So are the police and the military the same thing?

Bryan went to officer to explaining it to be a soldier of the military

If they are the same thing

 then why are the police acting like humans?

Wouldn’t most have talents?
*
I believe I may have fixed the Soldier bit in the final pages, I think that was a mistake from an earlier mockup of the script, as that’s what I originally called Officers. And Yes, most Police officers do have Talents. Again, most of the population does, but I guess a good comparison would be My Hero Academia, where even though everyone has a Quirk, not all of them are fit for combat, some just simply get lucky. Even if you could use it in combat, some people would rather a different style of living than dedicating years of training to enhancing their Talents.

22.
*
Why is he so insistent for her to join?

 she's made it clear that she has a very comfortable lifestyle

 and the only thing he has to trade is an assumption that she's bored

and that the job is exciting

But it seems Yuki didn't even enjoy beating up that thug

Or saving the clerk

So why join a force that does just that?

And plus

with the young clearly able to join with or without talents

wouldn't this be a huge militarized force especially with the size of your city?

*

Bryan assumes that Yuki beat him up out of kindness, not because he annoyed her. Also the University is specifically centered around training students to enter the military and police force, however they are not the only school. It just happens to be a career path for those who have a good combat sense compared to their peers. Bryan seems to know and care a lot about the school, and that's part of the point of his character, which is explained later, towards the end off the Exams and during their normal time at the school.

23.
*
He does know he tried to kill him right?

*
Hitachi just rolls like that. He knows that he can easily defeat the thug again if he needs too, and he also knows he’s in no position to turn the thug in, as he is in a position where interacting with the police could be bad for him (His weapon and the fact he’s a runaway)

24.

*

If the group is so spread out they cannot even save a comrade

Or are even aware he was captured

Then what's the difference of being alone?

Be the same results

*

That’s why he’s at the bottom of the barrel, the gang honestly doesn't care if a no life like him gets himself caught. He has no links to the head of the gang anyways, so he is of no concern to them, just another source of revenue. Also I realise that this is definitely an older script, because Emilio was renamed to Feilio in the official script.

25.
 *
What talent?

All he did was swing a sword

Plus with Yuki saying the wide veriety of talents

How is Hitachi's considered crazy?

Yuki has the same power

+

Hitachi’s sword is really big, like cloud strife big. There are different levels to Talents, someone can be more proficient in Strength than another, like Hitachi’s ability to wield a greatsword like its a simple bat, where as Yuki can be much more skillful in how she fights with her Talent, using her natural skill in swordplay and her basic strength Talent at the same time.


Overall, I understand the cause and effect aspect you are mentioning, however where the manga starts off IS the cause and effect taking place. Give it a few chapters in, and I think you’ll start to see what I mean by that. (Except the Talent Tree portion, I’d give it a good 15 chapters in before I get to really touch on it.) For example, The university recruiting new students and the news station urging people to take action is the effect of the crime rising. I don’t think the chapter spends enough time focusing on the world building like future chapters will, and I think that may be where you started to draw your own conclusions as to what might be going on. However that’s exactly what I want people to do when they read my work, I want discussion and ideas about what could possibly be happening, and overtime I’ll slowly hint and peel back the curtain a bit.

Essentially, I dropped the reader into a world that is till in the process of adjusting. Why they are still adjusting, and why it’s taken so long, will be explained in time.

I appreciate your feedback, and I really do hope you do the same for future chapter!



I can't wait for more feedback!


Awsome working on a reply to...your reply haha^^
Ill post it today hopefully
Glad your not detered its  a mark of a storyteller with a passion^^

Sent you a note as well^^

I can go into deeper detail^^
-Action

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Re: Dragon Universe (Shonen)
« Reply #24 on: March 04, 2019, 01:26:11 AM »
Spoiler
, before getting into discussing the review, just wanted to say thanks a ton! I really do appreciate this level of care in analysing my work, I’ve been looking for someone to take my work and try and pick it apart like this, it helps a ton as a writer!
Some things I don’t bring up because I don’t want my responses to feel repetitive, and a lot of things that answer one question, for the most part, explain another as well.
Also, I felt that some may have just been small nit picks, so I decided to focus on the questions and major issues brought up.
I’ll answer everything in order, and list the response I'm referring to below:

1.

*
A suggestion
instead of Yuki saying exposition of the dream being---

“after all these years, does it still haunt me”

why not instead just have her expression tell the story?

If it's “Haunting” as in recurring then perhaps having her eyes suddenly open up

Her expression of fear is only brief as it fades into a weary sigh

It would imply this is a haunting dream but also something she has dealt with for a long while

But also leave it ambiguous to whether this is just a recurring nightmare or perhaps a flashback

Without having her to boldface tell the audience that this was her past

And

Action
A suggestion
Instead of telling the audience how bothered she is by her dream

Why not show her doing the chores as she was

But with each chore her expression becomes more lost in thought

Before she shakes her head and looks for a distraction

Thus the tv and chips bit

*


Before answering a this, allow my to provide some context to myself and the team. When I wrote the script, it was about 2016, so that’s when I formed a team of about 4 artists and myself. As we moved towards mid 2018 I began about a 5 or 6 month long break from writing the manga. As these things go, the artist who did the section right after the dream prologue will no longer be working on the manga, which is a shame. However this allows us to re work that portion specifically, as we want the art to flow better from page to page. I will definitely rewrite this section, as I struggled with it a lot when first writing it, and I will take your critique into consideration!

Action=understandable i look forward to the rework^^

2.

*
Action
“There seems to be no end to this new crime wave, with every passing day the crime rate must be skyrocketing”.
“a local, small shop has been ravaged and cleaned out”

As it's implied there is a crime wave

And the words “rebuilding our nation” implies a great event with the supers has occurred

Then why has the world yet adapted?

The news talks about the police but nothing about supervillains

Nor the military who is training young crime fighters

It's treating it as world like our own

While later on we learn that the majority of the public have super powers

Seeing that Yuki is older than 9 years old and has super strength due to the tree

What kind of precedence do either the police or the military have?
Seeing that there is a crime wave they are unable to deter and is growing bigger

It's become so known that even a shut in like Yuki knows about them

And  jokes around about joining them

But later on we learn the city she visits is well known for its academy of superhuman justice force

So obviously it's been established for quite some time

But how can it be well known if crime has not decreased but increased?

It's strange how such a society has not been consumed by anarchy especially after that line of rebuilding our nation

*
I’m glad you picked up on how strange it is that even though there was an established legal system in a city like Toaru, which is held in high prestige for its well trained military students, there still seems to be a spike in crime. Although it’s a bit spoiler heavy, there is an explanation for this. To put it simply, as to not spoil anyone who may take interest in this commentary, it is possible that many things could influence the crime rate, whether it be a corrupt system of power, or lack of trust in the pre-established system. Toaru is a big city, filled with vastly different people. Many of those people are visionaries, who want to see things done their way. Place this kind of ambition in the wrong (or in some cases right) hands, and you can get a power struggle for dominance in the city, both on an underground level and a professional level. It hasn’t been touched upon yet, but there are many factions outside of Feilio’s gang, ClaW, and Dragon University, both legal and illegal. As the manga progresses, their motives will become clear.
Also,
The tree is a key plot point, hold onto that.


Action=fantastic^^ I figured this was more than a surface layer^^ i look forward to how it develops^^

Suggestion
Perhaps it can be noted early on^^
Such as in the news report

Could use the word of “another” crime syndicate

Implying that there are more than one

Perhaps could use a ambiguous line such as 

As of now police are working tirelessly to find the correlation as to the recent surge of criminal activity

Although their forces are spread thin, you can help by registering or reporting those with--[tv shuts off]

Showing some sort of measure of this word adapting^^


3.
*

If this Claw gang is so skilled and so confident they won't get caught

Why not rob a bank?

It's apparent they don't want to be discrete or otherwise they would not leave their name all over
And seeing it was only for financial gain wouldn't robbing a area with a less concentration of police and superheros be a better option?

Rather then robbing small stores right next to the law?

It's just more risk for less reward

Furthermore

If this crime spree is on the rise and apparently it centers around robbing for monetary gain

Store owner vs Thug
Hitachi vs Thug
Robbed store vs Claw

All centered around money and valuables

So wouldn’t the cops keep a special eye on business districts? Seeing at most crime is centered on that end?

*

To this, I will say keep an eye out as ClaW’s members are introduced in more detail. While their leader may not agree with this sort of vandalism, this falls into the personality of one sole member in particular, who personally feels he has no trouble taking on the law enforcement in Toaru. He also doesn't do it for monetary gain, but more for his own amusement. Also, It hasn’t been said outright, but for the sake of commentary, Teddy and Shake are two of the four members in ClaW, and neither of them did this (Shake was at the scene of the crime, but it was who he was with who commited the crime.)
And
There are small time thugs, like the one Yuki takes down, who do it for monetary gain. For this, lower ranked classes at Dragon University and newbie cops handle it. These thugs really aren't an issue, they are just taking advantage of the crime spike.


Action=could use such a act to make intrigue ^^

Perhaps the place was ravaged but nothing was stolen

Or

Perhaps what was stolen was something that sole member just likes but is rather cheap

Like gum

Pens

Boxes

Or soda haha

Would give a hint of personality to the sole member ^^

4.
*
If yuki dislikes going into town with people so much

Then why does she only buy so little?

It just forces her to do it frequently

We see later the city runs normal so it's not like a food shortage

And seeing how casual she is about getting food apparently she has money to pay for it

So why wouldn’t she buy as much food as possible and stay in her home in the woods?
*

Honestly, this was just a set up to get Yuki to run into Bryan. While she hates being around people, shes smart enough to know she’d probably go crazy if she locked herself in her mansion. (+2 points to me for the improvised Character Motive BS :D)

Action=perhaps it could be implied then^^ or at least hinted at

Such as perhaps there is food left but yuki goans

Then silence

Yuki looks away and says

Well i got no choice

guess i better get food running low ect.

Implying what you said above

Obviously she has food

But feels the need to make a excuse to herself to do something she does not like

But also knows she can shut herself in for much longer

So is willing to lie to go outside and mingle haha

5.
*
If this is set in modern times seeing as there's a TV electricity and other common appliances we have today

why is there a gang of woodland thugs?

if crime is on the rise meaning more thugs are getting bold

Why is this gang hanging out in a place where not much people go through?

It's not like there afraid to get caught seeing as it's later established that they are only a mile away from a town swarming with cops and a superhero academy

So why are they here?
*

The thugs are located out of the city’s law enforcement’s jurisdiction. It's safer and easier to get away if things get dicey. Also, the thug was discussing a small part of a much larger gang, they are not strictly based in the forested area, they are simply there the catch travelers like Hitachi.
Also
The modern mixed with these more barbaric, fantasy styled encounters is, again, tied to the Talent Tree. I would explain, but that would spoil a lot ;3

Action=Then perhaps have the location a bit further then a mile^^

If there is a crime wave and this area is abit out of reach then it's understandable why the cops cant just comb the area^^


Perhaps 5-6 hours away^^

6.
*

Why did the thug bother talking to Hitachi?

the thug clearly shows he has no issue getting violent

which fits the theme of a world in chaos

That he could kill hitachi and know a dead body won't be found

so why would this Amoral thug waste his breath threatening and warning someone he plans to rob and/or kill? Especially if there is no consequence due to his location

*

He’s just a bad thug, like the man in the convenience store. As Yuki points out, anyone with a Talent, the majority of the population, could easily take them down. These rookie type thugs are appearing more due to the crime spike. Which I should mention began not long before the Manga starts, and is explained in detail later.


Action=awsome^^ but wouldn't rookie thugs try to do something that could give them a edge in case they fight a super?^^

Even if this spike is recent it seems to be well known enough for people to be aware^^


7.

*

a small question
Yuki just left her home that you establish in the woods

 I assume you have that location to explain why she has not yet been bothered by the crime wave

 but seeing as this takes place within the same day just how far are these woods and a giant bustling city to be within walking distance apparently?

*

The city is surrounded by this wooded area, with the wooded area leading to other small villages and towns, but none as big and thriving as Toaru. This is due to the presence of the Science Talent based Regold Inc., whos HQ is located in the city. They are introduced a little bit in chapter 2, and right after the Exam mini set up Arc wraps up. The second real mission Alpha team (Yuki, Bryan, and Hitachi) are assigned centers around protecting that HQ from ClaW, and during this mission a lot is explained about the sudden and rapid growth of technology and the influence in the city.

Action=then perhaps it might need to have that implied just abit^^

Like yuki looking around seeing a new building being made
 
As well as other developments ect

And since so many supers are around

Perhaps show recruiters who want the talented to join the military to help hold back the crime wave

8.

*

This is a recurring issue

With the establishment of a crime wave and even the earlier bit of stores being robbed

And on top of that, not only are most getting away scott free

But We later learn there are super powered villains

So Why is there no effect on this world?

It's seems so casual

There is no security

No extra police patrols

The stores and shops don't even have a means to defend themselves against a normal thug much less a super powered one

Despite all the exposition that the crime is happening right next door to them

They do nothing to prevent it

*

The crime wave is fairly recent, although crime has been a recurring issue in the city. Talents becoming more dominant in the big city, being linked to opportunities in the economy, and the sudden growth of its economy are mainly to blame. The rapid growth leaves little to no time for properly regulating the streets. That is why a school like Dragon University exists, to help prevent these crimes from occurring.

Action=but if the crime spike is fairly recent how could the DU be know so well?

What could they be doing so well for so long that would make them so well known and even feared by other crooks?

A suggestion would be instead of the crime wave or that crime is on the rise

Perhaps have it happen in the next chapter

You say the public does not have time to counteract but what actions have they done to prevent it at all?^^

Even if it was not a crime wave and most supers were kind people
Did the world just leave them be?

Perhaps have the development tone and casual vibe you did at the center

Then when Yuki joins the DU

Suddenly their is a crime wave

Fast and powerful

We will see the struggle through yuki and her teams eyes

How they get spread thin and the hectic and suden change of this CLaw clan

Instead of it being told to us^^

This would imply the DU was doing good keeping up with normal crime until today in CH1 when the claw appear

9.

*

The police must be spread thin for the thug to be bold enough to rob a store in broad daylight

But what about the super heros? Where are they?

*

The police and the Officers (Students trained by the school) are spread thin due to the spike in crime, so it’s impossible for them to be everywhere at once. Also, while the Police can respond immediately, the Officers function on a case by case system. For example, let’s say Yuki didn’t stop the thief and he got away. The usual protocol would be the clerk calling the police, and if the police can’t respond fast enough to the crime, or if an Officer is in the immediate area, the Officer is asked to handle the situation. Or, in the case of Black Ops (Class 0 [Alpha and Bravo Team], ) They will receive reports in class and investigate longer running issues instead of small crime like shown in this first chapter. Handling these investigations counts towards their class grade, where as most classes in the school spend half of their day studying, and the other half doing field work like this thief.

Action=not quite sure i follow

Because not all talented are in the DU

As Yuki says most people have powers now

Yet in the entire scuffle

In the forest and the Giant city

Only 2 show their powers

Hitachi i could understand it's a 50/50

But with Yuki being in a city?

And the cops that showed up not one had a power to secure the area or anything?
Esp?
Energy barrier?
Super speed?

The way Yuki explains it

powers are random

But we only see one in a giant city full of people

It may be a issue with Yuki saying most have powers now

Perhaps if it was a smaller amount the city bit would be normal

But in a world of supers

Only power is displayed


10.

*

then why doesn't he?

Hes bold enough to rob a store with just a hoodie

Without covering his face or his man beard

So it seems he doesn't care if he is recognized

It really doesn't feel like the police or the superheros have any presence or effect in this world

or

He just plans to kill them to keep his identity a secret

Still with most crimes happening all over

Would he even get caught?

*
As Yuki picks up on, the thief didn’t really have the guts or the intention to kill anyone. Your correct in assuming he could have easily shot out the store from afar and gotten away free, but the man was in a rush, and instead he was careless. His plan was to rush in, scare the clerk into giving him the money, and rush out, much like how most small time robberies are in the real world.

Action=I understand

But

It falls to reason because in our world we don't have powers

Just guns and blades

So when a crook robs in our world
Both sides are on equal footing if they have one or the other

In your world

People can have any sort of powers

Sure a crime spree could rally up thugs

But now the game has changed

It seems this is a throw away thug to showcase Yuki K.O

Perhaps a suggestion

The thug robs but with no weapon
Just a threat to give up the cash

The clerk pulls out a weapon
And Any would do
Does not even need to be a gun
Even if it's a bat
or a rolled up newspaper

It shows that he was prepared for conflict in one way or another

The clerk attacks

The thug is unaffected

Thug reveals a random power

Clerks one and only defence is gone but hey he tried

Yuki steps in

Events proceed

Perhaps during the arrest they log in the thugs powers and hull him off with some power cancel thing or some sort or restraint

So we see the makings of worlds evolution as well as the vast difference of a human vs a talent

Also shows the cops doing something to contain and counteract the supers who wont obey the law 




11.
*
Why does she buy so less the before?

It's established she's out of food and dislikes interacting with people

How long would a bar last her?

*

I feel that I have answered this, but for a bit more context, Yuki Isn’t a complete shut-in. She hates interaction with people, but she can hold her own in society. She also has a tendency to do things on the spot, hence the purchase of a bar, even though she went out for chips. In her mind, she just wanted another set of snacks, she didn’t care much for what it was in the end.

Action=but that's the thing
It's not a issue that she can handle herself in public

Most people can, they just pretend to be pleasant until you go away

Or in yuki’s case interact when she has too such as the store

It's how you write her hating interaction with others

The intent is clear

So it adds up that she would talk to the guy for the almighty snacks

But why would she seek it out?

A suggestion
Perhaps with Bryan he has some sort of charm
Funny
Pleasant voice
Funny face

Or something that interest her to some degree that would show she enjoys talking to him in some degree

Perhaps she just enjoys him praising her or something

And all the clerk had to offer did not interest Yuki in the slightest or just bored her




12.

*

Who called the cops?

The gun was not fired

Only the thug thrown out the window

And suddenly the cops arrive?

How can they be so quick to a crime but are also powerless to deter it?

Do the super heros not have any involvement?

Plus would this cause a issue?

It's not like the clerk does not know Yuki

Apparently she's their favorite

So Yuki shops there often it seems

So wouldn't the clerk be able to tell a lot of details about her?

What's more he now knows she's one of the talented

A superhuman

Do the police or military not care about a super humans not in the military or living in the city?

But clearly seems to be able to act violently hense the thug?

Does this world not have some system that could keep track of superhumans and their powers?

It's understandable for villains to not be in the system

That's why their extra dangerous

But wouldn't that go for other superheroes as well?

*

I love this set of questions, because I do have things in place to answer most of these later on. First of all, it's implied that the store clerk alerts the police off camera (meaning its not shown, off camera is just really the only way I know how to word it haha, must be my video class lessons kicking in.) This is implied much better in the actual artwork for the chapter, as Yuki asks the question to buy the chips and bar, and then is shown on the next page walking away from the store, and she had already made the purchase.
Second, I think it’s answered a little bit after this event, but it’s implied that a lot of people have Talents. The world, therefore, is centered around Talents. There are systems in place to track most talents (Think of a less strict Psycho Pass legal system, where they have most people on record, but not everyone.) The Principal and founder of Dragon University, Hirigo, explains this later, and he has connections to the government that runs the nation their in. This allows him to keep track of his students, and brings up key plot points about both Yuki and Hirigo (I think I hint this plot point in Ch. 2 or Ch. 3 a little bit, while they are still in the hospital.) The not keeping track of some individuals is, again, linked back to the growth of Toaru. A lot of people easily slipped through the cracks as the government set up their dominance.

Action=happy to hear^^
Well perhaps the clerk just has a panic button, or flickers his store lights for attention while talking to the thug

Not like the thug would be able to tell

Just the people outside

But how long has the system been in place? In psycho pass there were very few who were outside the radar

But the cause and effect on that world was the Morality of the cops
If what they did actully was the core problem

The world adapted and almost lived in fear of both the crooks and cops

Plus they had those walking sanity bots

It created a very tense edge to the story

That's what i meant by how some parts show adaption while others do not

Their is a man who works with the government in a ever growing city and has a system in place that has many individuals on record

They show adaptation to these super humans

But in all their development, they cannot handle a outbreak of common thugs? When in our world we hold a fairly firm grasp

Too me it seems like a step back

Even more so when in a world such as this

Normal humans
who in our world form gangs to fight back against other humans of the law adds up because strengh in numbers

But here
Even for bad thugs
Especially human thugs
To fight alone
With basic weapons we have today
Against
a game of chance that your target does not have a power
Or else your screwed as Yuki clearly shows

It Feels off to me personally

13.

*
She says this but apparently not
The store owner had no means to defend himself

even against a common thug

In a world of super villains
*

It’s never said that the clerk couldn’t defend himself if he had too, it just didn’t escalate that far thanks to Yuki. Though, most people who end up in positions like store clerks or more real world positions typically don’t have combat centric Talents.

Action=then wouldnt that be more reason to prepare?
Honestly let me ask you
If we lived in your world full of talented people

And we don't have powers while most people do?

And we heard about this crime spree?

Would you do nothing to prepare?

Your home? Your place of work?

Would you even be comfortable walking in a crowd?

Would you not bring anything with you to defend yourself?

Our world clerks have proceddures to deal with a robbery
Weapons
Panic alarm
Bullet proof glass

If i dropped you in this universe and told you
Almost everyone here has a super power
You work in a place normal humans rob for cash

There is a crime spree that you can check the news about and see how the police cannot keep up

Would you honestly do nothing to prepare?



14.

*
what talents is she referring to?

Ones that can shine through?

 Seeing as she says

there is such a wide range of superpowers that could do more than any person could

what talent could she possibly be referring to? she feels needs to be known?

 that she would want to see more of?

*

During the course of the Manga, I plan on touching upon the idea of people with inhuman abilities V.s real skill. In this bit, Yuki is upset that real talented people, in the real world sense, can’t really shine as much as they used too because everyone now can use super powers, so everyone is, in essence, “Special”. This also hints that the world wasn’t always centered around Talents.

Action=i get that but what talents?
Sure the physical humans are pointless

But art?
Music?
Chiefs?

Are they outclassed by powers as well?
With the setup of random powers i guess that could be it
Like a super chief or something

But wouldn't that be more of a upgrade?

In MHA
True that only the supers matter

But the humans adapted and worked alongside them thus making a name for themself
As other humans got information to give to the villains

So there is a adaption

Unless you're talking about combat ability
Guess yuki would know something about that being a violent as she is

True there be a gap now
Similar to Rock lee vs Sasuke
Hard Work vs bloodline

Is that the talent your referring too?

If not what else is there?

Not like music/arts/creativity would be lost just because of supers

That be like if a popular youtube channel suddenly took the focus of the world

But it wouldn't affect our music or anything else and people would still make it because supers would not put them out of business

In fact it might improve it
Imagine if a hero liked a artist and wanted a manga for themself
Or a villain who likes to fight with awsome battle music
Or a fashion diva who needs the latest trends





15.

*
This is another issue

So now it's established that the majority of the world has super powers from the talent tree

So those like the clerk without powers are a rarity

So that means the majority of people not involved in the military or police or even a gang

Have super powers

But the world remains the same

Even the clerk is unprepared in a city known for it's crime and apparently super villains

And even the common thug is unprepared for a superhuman

Despite them being everywhere

There is no adaption

No countermeasure now that almost everyone is a walking unknown weapon

But it also does not add up

If majority have super powers

Then why is there a crime spree?

You would never know the person your mugging could breathe fire

Or have super speed

It make doing any illegal act a struggle

A game of chance

And yet the clerk is surprised?

Shouldn't it be yuki who is surprised that he and the thug have no powers?

A superhuman beating a common human

Wouldn't that be expected?

*

Though I wanted to address this more towards the end, you mention superheroes and supervillains often. The true villains in this world are a lot more subtle, smarter, and scheming then the typical thugs used as exposition in the first chapter. Like I mentioned, the two shown in Ch. 1 are small time thugs, they are trying to get away with something they obviously can’t, and that's why they don’t. At the end of the day, they are just dumb goons who tried to take advantage of a city in disarray, and in the end were overconfident in their tactics.
A real villains, let’s say ClaW as a whole, move as a group. They make (For the most part, as seen in Ch. 2) planned attacks, and know their way around the city enough, both the layout and the hierarchy, to get away with certain things, while having an ultimate goal in mind.


Action=but they could, if yuki was not there and hitachi was replaced with a normal dude

That's equal grounds
The thugs would have a right to believe they win
No person goes into anything expecting to lose
You say they are overconfident but they brought the basics

They must know about most people being supers and the crime spree due to them being aware of the disarray

So did they really not be prepared?

And to your true villains
That's fine, some would be cunning
But here

these are dumb thugs

So where are the dumb crooks with talents?

A superpower does not make someone smarter

If dumb human thugs are bold enough to attack a place who they have no idea might have a talent

Then wouldnt it stand to reason that dumb crooks with talents would be doing so much more damage?

Because even if they rob a joint or try to rob a kid

Only to find out they have a power

So what?

So do they



16.

*
Are they not right in front of him?

“ He moves back a bit as the criminal is pushed out of the shop, and dragged off by the police”
Bryan: Aw, I missed the action… where the hell are the Officers?
*

I know I already addressed this, but he is referring to students, dubbed Officers. I know it may seem confusing, but this becomes much more clear once class actually starts. Bryan is also meant to come of as a big fanboy for the senior students, or Officers, at the school, hence his reaction.

Action=it really is

The names you give make them seem like normal cops

So it's a military type of branch?
Corporal
Captain
Lieutenant
General
Ect?

But won't that get confusing?
I thought our law enforcement still exists working with the military
As you expained this is sudden
So i'm guessing we had basic cops before the supers

So what are they called now?

Now Since a officer could mean police or a student at DU
One from the old age and one from the new

17.

*
Plus last we left off

The clerk asked yuki to stay

she did not

And the clerk was being questioned

Then suddenly

Yuki comes back with a guy he would not recognize

Buys a chocolate bar while the clerk is being questioned

And both the clerk and police just let her go on her way?
*

Yup, pretty much. For a bit of context to my style of humor, I used to write a lot of small series and sketches for Youtube animators (CultureCrash, Braydoi, smaller stuff on Newgrounds), so this is just my style of small, quick humor mixed in to the normal story.

action=all fine and good

But

You didnt show it

All we saw was her shoving and then later with a candy bar

I just assumed that's what happened because it was missing

Humor is fine but the tone with the shop was tense

Plus you have a backdrop of a world struggling to keep up

To me

It hurts more of your cops then anything

Here we are told how much they are doing

But do nothing to yuki

If you wanted to lean on a comidic slant

Perhaps have her walk in and shop around like it's nothing

As the officer records Yuki’s brutality asking questions

Yuki response casually

Officer=So you just tossed a 124 pound man through the window
Yuki=Oh really? Felt like 200 hundred to me

Like she was filling out a survey

Or something-anything

Because when the reader is left to figure out the joke it brings up questions

Like

why they wouldn't question her hostage bryan

Or why they wouldn't see if she was on record

It's a tough time

I don't know why they be so casual

To me personally
 it makes be feel like these guys either
are a terrible police force
and it's no wonder why crime spiked due to their incompetence

Or

Perhaps the news exaggerated and things are not as bad as it seems

But then why is there a crime holding up the police and thugs everywhere even the forests

Either way it leaves me confused to what this world really is because it conflicts itself so much



18.

*
Then how is this city under a crime wave skyrocketing each day?

Wouldn't this be the safest place to be?

And how does hitachi know details of the academy but not it's location?
*
Actually, it's the opposite, the only reason it has such a strong legal and military presence is because of the cities important areas (Its economy, scientific nature, and large amount of civilians) are constantly under fire by criminals. The University and Police are there to counteract this.
Also
Hitachi is not from around this area, which is implied. Him knowing about the University helps show that the University is held in high regard, even outside of the city. It’s like how you can know about a college, but not know much about the area around it.


Action=i suppose, i do know harvered but don’t know it's location
Well put, I retract my critique on that

But if it's constant then again
Wouldnt people do something?
I know not every super is in the DU or a villain

But what about the normal people with talents?

This setup would lead to a collapse of this city
A all out war

Your setting up this city like it's so huge that criminals are everywhere and it's too much for the law to keep up

But when we see it

Nothing is happening

You claim important areas are always under attack

And the places you mention would have a large concentration of people

If we dial it back to our world rules

It be a city where most people have a gun

Yet crooks still attack randomly

Both the cunning claw

And dumb thugs

If a guy attacked this group

He be outnumbered because most people in the crowd go a gun too

And if it was a group of crooks

And they attacked the crowd with guns

Again everyone has a gun

Not like they will sit back and die

They shoot back for their lives because they have the power too

I doubt cops or DU will fault them for that

With your premise this town should be on fire by now
In MHA

We see what happens when somone attacks a group of people with random powers

The MHA attack
The Campgrounds attack
Nomu attack

Against a common threat who means them harm
People tend to join forces
Not for eachother but because the enemy means them ALL harm

sure not everyone has offensive abilitys

but we see in MHA even the most simple power of a novice or child can be put to use in some way or another


19.

*
So then why is he still there?

All she did was threaten him and forced him to buy her something

Why reason could he have to stick around someone so prone to violence?

Wouldn’t he leave right after?

If not him

wouldn’t yuki?

She was this outsider type but now suddenly after the clerk she becomes quite chatty

She's in fact nicer to the guy who pissed her off

 then the clerk who treats her with kindness
*

A few things. First, in the actual artwork, she doesn't come off as so cold to the clerk when she first enters the store. So her acting this way is out of character, just not as much as you might feel it is. Next, this is right after purchasing the bar, so they just exited the store and are walking in the same direction. Bryan is generally a chatty type, so he sticks around. The conversation then keeps Yuki around. She doesn't like people, but she isn’t so disrespectful that she would just ignore and walk away from someone.

Action=but she would threaten them?
Insult them?
She had no problem leaving the clerk and the officers in the dust
Even Yuki says they wanted to talk
So why did she walk away then?
Wouldn't that be disrespectful as well?
Too someone who knows her and someone of the law?

The only difference is bryan knocked over a candy

So that won her over?
She didn't want to disrespect bryan because of that?

20.

*
Or why a officer would threaten to beat him up over a candy bar?
*
Bryan isn’t the brightest. Also, people can be Officers, but still be kind of a prick. Tetsuya fits this stereotype in a few chapters down the line, once the Exams start. But even he has his motives for being a good guy rather than being a criminal.

Action=but you said

he is a big fanboy

You don’t have to be bright to be a fanboy

So how can it be that he wouldnt he know the ins and outs of  what his fandom is about?

What they can and cannot do?

It seems like he is clueless to me



21.

*
So are the police and the military the same thing?

Bryan went to officer to explaining it to be a soldier of the military

If they are the same thing

 then why are the police acting like humans?

Wouldn’t most have talents?
*
I believe I may have fixed the Soldier bit in the final pages, I think that was a mistake from an earlier mockup of the script, as that’s what I originally called Officers. And Yes, most Police officers do have Talents. Again, most of the population does, but I guess a good comparison would be My Hero Academia, where even though everyone has a Quirk, not all of them are fit for combat, some just simply get lucky. Even if you could use it in combat, some people would rather a different style of living than dedicating years of training to enhancing their Talents.

Action=But then why is it never shown?

It makes even less sense to not see here

In MHA as i explained above
People with weak or simple powers still use them casually
Even as kids they use their powers

Not everyone would train up sure i belive that

but how is it possible that in a giant city we only see one person using a talent?

Does the police DU and casual civialains just not enjoy using their powers?

You said this is recent

So again
Imagine i dropped you in this world

You now have a super power

Pretend it's lame

Like you can project tv shows on the floor or something

Would you never use it?

Just for fun?

What if it was a basic power like you could float

Would you be fine just walking?

Perhaps a weak esp

Not gonna be lazy and just hover your phone in your face?

Would you not be curious at all to see what your powers do?

Would you just shrug your shoulders and say nah i wont show the public

If you would then fine

But

Everyone

Else in the city feels the same way?

Even the children?

Roudy teens?

Adults?

All said nah i don't wanna mess with my powers


22.
*
Why is he so insistent for her to join?

 she's made it clear that she has a very comfortable lifestyle

 and the only thing he has to trade is an assumption that she's bored

and that the job is exciting

But it seems Yuki didn't even enjoy beating up that thug

Or saving the clerk

So why join a force that does just that?

And plus

with the young clearly able to join with or without talents

wouldn't this be a huge militarized force especially with the size of your city?

*

Bryan assumes that Yuki beat him up out of kindness, not because he annoyed her. Also the University is specifically centered around training students to enter the military and police force, however they are not the only school. It just happens to be a career path for those who have a good combat sense compared to their peers. Bryan seems to know and care a lot about the school, and that's part of the point of his character, which is explained later, towards the end off the Exams and during their normal time at the school.

Action=ok you said this is similair to MHA
So if Bryan is deku then why does he have the issue above with mistaken yuki as a DU student?
And in MHA their city is safe due to all might

So that's why their school works normally

But Recall when they had one intruder? One simple issue?

The school was changed to save the students

Sending them elsewhere

Putting them in lockdown

But your telling us there is a crime wave that that the cops struggle to deal with

Sure the older classmates could handle themself

But the rookies?

This DU school would do nothing knowing full well their city is in a state of constant crime that they cannot hold back?

Even if happened today in CH1

The DU school would just carry on like normal?

Or at least move the school to a less crime area?

heck what about the people?

when a wide city threat with supers happened

people are always evacuated till its under control

but here

you never guess crime was a problem


23.
*
He does know he tried to kill him right?

*
Hitachi just rolls like that. He knows that he can easily defeat the thug again if he needs too, and he also knows he’s in no position to turn the thug in, as he is in a position where interacting with the police could be bad for him (His weapon and the fact he’s a runaway)

Action=so why is he going to the city with police and DU

That be like a known criminal wanting to live next door to a police station

24.

*

If the group is so spread out they cannot even save a comrade

Or are even aware he was captured

Then what's the difference of being alone?

Be the same results

*

That’s why he’s at the bottom of the barrel, the gang honestly doesn't care if a no life like him gets himself caught. He has no links to the head of the gang anyways, so he is of no concern to them, just another source of revenue. Also I realise that this is definitely an older script, because Emilio was renamed to Feilio in the official script.

Action=so why does he know so much?
Why did they even tell the bottom of this barrel?
Why bother?
Why would he even join?
Did he really just agree to them saying

Go out into the forest and mug as many as you can

But you have to be alone

And this guy is ok with that?

Even for a dumb thug

How could he see any benifit?

25.
 *
What talent?

All he did was swing a sword

Plus with Yuki saying the wide veriety of talents

How is Hitachi's considered crazy?

Yuki has the same power

+

Hitachi’s sword is really big, like cloud strife big. There are different levels to Talents, someone can be more proficient in Strength than another, like Hitachi’s ability to wield a greatsword like its a simple bat, where as Yuki can be much more skillful in how she fights with her Talent, using her natural skill in swordplay and her basic strength Talent at the same time.

Action=then why is the thug not dead?
Hes human?
A solid form of iron is lethal even with the most minor amount of strength

And it being a blade means it's hardened

So with the bandages it's like a thin heavy bat

That's why cloud uses it

size=mass

He can attack and break through others defences

When have you ever seen cloud sword hit someone that did not send them flying?

Even at minor strength he is deadly

And hitachi sent this human flying against a tree

So obviously he used a decent amount of force

Even if he was holding back

The weight and impact of the blade should have killed this thug

Yet the thug is fine and able to walk later on and have a friendly chat

Why not just for a joke have Hitachi offer the blade
A gesture of

Hey use my sword to attack me

You said the thug was dumb

So i assume he’ll agree

Thug tries to lift

But it falls on his body pinning him down

Thug is injured

Hitachi picks up the blade like a feather

Having us wonder how stong is this kid

But then again

If it's as big as cloud sword and you say it's impressive how he wields it

Either this giant blade actully weighs like a feather
But then again why would a light weapon hurt the thug so much
And why would he be impressed if that's the case

Or

It's as dense as a really blade
Meaning it should be very heavy
And i question how could a human survive such a attack but a person who has super strength as his power

Even a human would struggle to hit a person hard enought to send them flying but also have a soft enough impact  to not kill them


That be like you being hit by a semi truck that sends you flying

But somehow your not dead

Despite the impact being super slow say even >3 mph

That's over 17000 pounds of force

Overall, I understand the cause and effect aspect you are mentioning, however where the manga starts off IS the cause and effect taking place. Give it a few chapters in, and I think you’ll start to see what I mean by that. (Except the Talent Tree portion, I’d give it a good 15 chapters in before I get to really touch on it.) For example, The university recruiting new students and the news station urging people to take action is the effect of the crime rising. I don’t think the chapter spends enough time focusing on the world building like future chapters will, and I think that may be where you started to draw your own conclusions as to what might be going on. However that’s exactly what I want people to do when they read my work, I want discussion and ideas about what could possibly be happening, and overtime I’ll slowly hint and peel back the curtain a bit.

Essentially, I dropped the reader into a world that is till in the process of adjusting. Why they are still adjusting, and why it’s taken so long, will be explained in time.

I appreciate your feedback, and I really do hope you do the same for future chapter

Action=happy to be of help

But the problem is your ch1 is so inconsistent
And it's not done in a exploritive way
where we learn along with the MC about how the world works

Like how most of isikis do it

It's a pre established world
One that people have lived in for a long while

You open up your story like most do

You have a explanation telling us the audience of what's going on
Hense the talent explination
Yuki explaining how she feels as well as specific years
Bryant explaining some lore of the DU
News report telling the state of the world

So you have it set up for the most part
But nothing reflects it
There is no presence

If you took out the word talents

What would you have to change?

Not the city, crime is expected in any large town

Not the shop scean

Not the thug scean

All Yuki did was hit him with a broom

Something a human could do and cause damage

And the thug had a normal gun

The police scene would not change

The fight in the forest would not change

In both fiction and real life people have used big blades and most are normal humans

People would just assume he was strong and Yuki got a lucky shot

In MHA
The presence of powers and the effect it's had on the world was clear

If you took out the powers

The story could not continue

But in DU

Nothing much changes

Just the dialogue talking about the talents

Just scaled back

Yuki wouldn't be able to toss thug through glass

Hitachi would just be a tough guy with a big sword like guts from berserk

DU would just be a elite force to train people against the crime

So basically like how swat is higher trained then a casual officer to deal with unique threats

It would just be a casual story set in modern time with a tech boost and criminals


So if your chapter 1 could be almost rewritten without the mention of talents
and little to nothing would change storywise?

What's the point of having it?

If your inspired by story's such as MHA, Psycho pass, Final fantasy

look closely at their storys

Not as a whole

But their first episode or chapter

Their unique set up

If you took it out

Would you be able to tell the same story?

Obvious not MHA

Not Psycho pass because the sanity gun is the scorce of salvation and conflict

Final fantasy, well that one is a obvious no because of how magic is both the
Start
End
Reason
Conflict
Ect
Core
Of every story one way or another
Heck some MC would never exist without it
Or even with cloud
The lifestream is the reason we have sephiroth

Take that out
You take out monsters
Cloud memories
Seperoths rebirth
Thus his killing spree that brought the crew together on their adventure
Hell shinra found jinova
Became a crazy evil organization
That was so bad
Our crew resorts to terrorist attacks to stop them

its all interconnected and is established right at the start

and like how you want your story to be

it throws story elements at you that we as a player slowly uncover and find out

till we learn what all that crazy stuff in the start led up to

but see how it was always present?

if we took out what we played at the very start

the FF story would crumble





So see what i mean?

Each story as well as many other could not even have their
chapter one
without this unique setup in place

While DU could

with little to no changes in it's first chapter

then what really did we understand from this chapter 1 that remained ever present? 

yuki coldness continues to flipflop
she has no problem leaving someone who wants to talk to her

then the next moment a stranger who ruins her candy and she wont disrespect him by leaving despite being annoyed at him


the city is in recent chaos but when yuki shows up its as calm as can be

everyone has talents but nobody every shows even a hint of such a thing, cops villains people in general

no one even acts like crime is a problem

cops are spread thin but they willl sent multipul units to arrest one human thug and continue to remain their dispite the city still in chaos

its all conflicting

what is said is never what we see

or what we see never matches what was said

and I understand I too like it when others try to pick apart my story
makes us stronger
makes us think how to improve

thats why i nitpick
because i like it when people do that to me^^

my story also revolves around a unique world that is slowly uncovered

and to manipulate the reader

its a tough balance to know what to hint at-reveal and distract

while also keeping it consistent without breaking the world or even previous chapters^^

till next time^^


Hope that helps^^

-Action

« Last Edit: March 04, 2019, 04:16:06 AM by Action Animation »

Offline PichuDX

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Re: Dragon Universe (Shonen)
« Reply #25 on: March 04, 2019, 11:32:52 AM »
Thank you again Action, this stuff really does help a ton! I do agree that, even if its in the background, some pages should show people using some sort of Talents outside of the main character's interactions. I will focus on that moving forward. I look forward to Ch. 2's review, as I finish up Chapter 9 (Half way done finalizing it, for anyone who is waiting. Probably within 24 hours it should go live :) )

Offline Action Animation

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Re: Dragon Universe (Shonen)
« Reply #26 on: March 04, 2019, 09:51:12 PM »
Spoiler
Chapter 2: “Freeway”

(The scene opens up to the words “A few hours later” with Yuki, on a futuristic looking bullet train. The train is mostly empty, with about three other random people around. She’s reading a comic book.

+

Where did she suddenly get a comic book?

She didn't leave with one

nor purchase one from the store

And she left for the train at the end of CH1

So she’s only been on this train since
 
+

Her coat is zipped up, and she's sitting as far away as possible from the other passengers. One of the other passengers is Hitachi, with his cloak and hood on. His sword has its bandages on it again,

+
Thought you said in both the feedback and even in the story

With the woodland thug that hitachi sword was a issue

But here he is with the giant sword and nobody bats a eye

Even if it's has bandages

It won't change its shape

I don't want to harp on the crime issue because i feel i made it clear in ch 1

But it keeps popping up

Because if you want us to feel that crime is a threat or even a problem

How can we get that if the public does not seem to care at all

And if they don't care

why should the reader?

People are aware of the crime spree

But when a hooded guy wielding a bandaged up sword walks into a train full of common people

Nobody has issues with this?

Nobody at all?

And you said this sword is very heavy

Fair enough

So say it weighs 200 lbs

That kids every footstep would be noticable

Even if the public was somehow convinced what he had was not a sword but something else

They wouldnt question it?

Heck, in the manga you posted

 it's almost bigger then hitachi body

Because even if he could lift it with ease

That does not make the sword lighter

Plus

I thought Yuki was going home

Least i assume from chapter 1 as she only went for snacks

So from the city to her forest house

And i thought Hitachi was going to the city to find a place to live

So from the forest to the city

So how are they on the same train?

It raises questions

If hitachi is here

That means somehow

Offscreen

Hitachi made it to the city

A city under a crime wave

With plans to go to DU

But as you and the thug established he would get in trouble

But for some reason  despite being in the city

hitachi

Got a ticket

Got on a train

That was going outside the city, And back to the forest

[because Yuki does not live in the city it seems]

But why?

He just left the wood to get to the city

Unless this train just goes deeper into the city where Hitatich wants to go

But then

Why did Yuki panicked at the end of ch1 to get on a train that would take her farther from her home?

Obviously not to socialise despite what we saw in CH1 with bryan and how chatty she is

Here she's back to being by herself

+

keeping it hidden from the other passengers. One of the other passengers is an old man, Kimichi Regold, who’s reading a newspaper. He also has a briefcase, tucked under his seat. A simple panel should focus on it. The train seems to be doing fine, but after a shot of Regold reading, he looks concerned after hearing a knock from behind him. He turns his head to face the window, to see Teddy, waving. Startled, considering how fast the train is moving, Regold gets up and falls on his ass, facing Teddy. Yuki and Hitachi, both at opposite ends of that section of the train, notice Teddy. Teddy then chuckles to himself, places his hand gently on the glass, and within a split second blows the entire train off the rails. As the train is flying off, (by the way the train is up somewhere high, like an elevated railroad about halfway up skyscrapers,)

+

Again sorry but why is the public transit active during a crime spree

Even in our time

When a gang fight happens or terrorist attack

The police shut down all traffic to the area to keep the public safe

If this was the first strike

 fine

that adds up why it happened

But it's not

Again this is a crime wave

A well documented well known crime wave

Having no cops or DU does not matter

In fact

It should go double here

Especially when it's as high as you say

If the police are having so much trouble keeping up

Why would they let the public transit keep going?

Would it not be easier to just freeze it until they gain control?

Even if this is some corrupt justice system who needs it to go this way

And knows that it makes it hard on their cops to arrive

It still does not add up

Because why would the public be so casual knowing there riding in something with no defenses while their city is in chaos?

And even if it's a corrupted official

No cops do anything?

If you were told by your police captain

Yeah our city is under attack by the worst spree of crime we ever encountered

But were going to do nothing to keep the public safe

If fact were going to make it even more difficult on you

 by allowing them to be easy targets Letting them go in and out of this dangerous city

Not one cop would disobey and catch a ride in a train or hell disobey a order and shut down the transit?

Not even a senior DU who apparently has even more power then a officer?


+


Yuki is seen smacking into the back of the Train, and Hitachi is seen bracing himself for impact. The train, once it hits the ground, is on fire, with a wide shot of the crash. The train landed in an empty street, with other buildings nearby a bit damaged from the train’s impact. Yuki is seen, waking up after the crash on the ground. She is covered in soot and ash, and as she raises her head she sees Hitachi battling against Teddy, The scene she first sees is Hitachi, with his hood off, swinging his sword full force with one hand at Teddy, who simply repels it with his hand while grinning.)

+

How is their a empty street?

It's not a country road

You described it as NY and tokyo

The citys that never sleep

A booming city on top of that

Not to mention it's in broad daylight

When most people are awake

And since the police have done nothing to keep the public safe and allows them to go where ever they want

How could this enormous populated city have even one empty street?

Actully you even mention this is a freeway

Plus it was in the sky

If the law is spread thin

That means they are not centered in one area

But sprinkled throughout the city

If even one saw something wouldn't this get swarmed in a instant?

The clerk called the cops

and in the short time yuki bought the candy

and left the store

A swarm of cops arrived

And that was for one beat up defeated

 human thug

How is it possible the fight lasts this long?


+

Yuki:( What the… What the *censored* just happened?)

(Yuki focuses on Hitachi for a second.)

Yuki: (Who the hell is that? Is he an Officer?)

(Yuki suddenly places her hand on her forehead, wincing.)

Yuki: Ghaa… (Jeez, I must have hit my head at some point…)

(Yuki looks back at the train wreck behind her, and notices Regold still knocked out trapped inside.)

Yuki: Wait… Oh my god…!

(Yuki struggles in pain as she raises to her feet, wobbling. She starts to head for the wreck, towards Regold. The scene now shows Hitachi, sweating a bit and looking annoyed. Teddy is laughing wickedly.)

Teddy: Oh man, of all the people on the Freeway, I wasn’t expecting a student!

+

Why not?

The DU is helping the cops against the crime wave

Meaning there is DU everywhere

How could he not expect this?

It's not like he attacked the train when it was out of the public eye

If they wanted gold or whatever he had in that briefcase

Why would they make their crime into a giant fireball

They wanted to be known it seems

So whats is there to be unexpected?

The reason i bring this up is you show cause and effect but it does not match

You  implies that these guys knew the DU and cops don't ride trains

But the government
Police force
DU

Never considered that during the crime wave the transit they never bother guarding would be attacked?

But then we see The train being empty showing that the public fears going on it

Except a few we saw before

So the public are aware of the danger but not the law?

One shows a reaction to the crime spree

The other does not

+

(Hitachi is bleeding a bit from the mouth, and as he wipes it he thinks to himself.)

Hitachi: (Who the hell is this guy, and what the hell is his Talent?!)

(A distorted image of Teddy, posed as if he's about to Repel something flashes in Hitachi’s mind.)

Hitachi: (I’ve never seen anything like it… It’s like my sword is bouncing off of him like it's made of rubber…)

Teddy: Hellooooo? You there hot shot? (Coming from out of view)

(Hitachi snaps back into reality, to Teddy in his face, his right palm an inch or so away from his face.)

Hitachi: Wha-?!

(Teddy repels Hitachi back, making him fly and crash besides Yuki, who was just pulling Regold out of the wreck. Yuki braces herself a bit, covering her face from the dust from Hitachi’s impact. When she looks, Hitachi is wounded severely, bleeding from his forehead, down. Most of his cloak has been blown away, with his normal outfit starting to tear.)

Yuki: Hey! You ok?!

(Hitachi slowly raises his head with a pissed off expression, not facing Yuki.)

Hitachi: Do I look ok!? Chick, whats your Talent?

Yuki: Huh?

(Hitachi turns only his head to face her, while still sitting in the debris of his crash.)

Hitachi: What’s your Talent? I’m trying to come up with a strategy.

Yuki: Well… um… I’m ok with a stick or sword but… I don’t-

+

Yuki knows of the crime spree

If a simple stick would do

Why wouldn't she bring one from the forest?

A stick wouldn't raise any eyebrows

hitachi can bring a giant blade and nobody is bothered

we just saw her rocket a coin into the sky

Why wouldn't she bring some change as improve bullets?

even a small rock would be deadly in her hands

If she left overconfident

Fine

But she saw herself how bad crime is

Unless she stole that comic

She should have some cash no?

Again you say this super power is recent but Yuki acts like she does not care for it

And bring nothing for it

Even just to play around with it

At least hitachi carries the sword

Something his talent could use

+

Hitachi: Perfect. Just get behind that guy while I distract him, Ok?

Yuki: What?! Dude, I understand we aren't in the best situation, but this man needs help and-

(Hitachi’s eyes narrow.)

Hitachi: Do you want to die?

+

Why is she so frazzled?

She went to a crime spree city

With nothing to defend herself

So obviously she thinks she's tough hence the Bitch talk

All that happened was she hit her head

Not like the guy cause the damage it was the crash

And all teddy did was repel attacks

Clearly he can be hit as hitachi is repealed

But for some reason hitachi keeps using his sword despite it not working

But his talent is not in his blade

He has super strength

If he can grip a super heavy sword and use it like it was a feather

Couldn't he grip teddy and just throw him? Seeing as teddy needs to be close? To either repel or attack?

I don't understand why hitachi keeps using a weapon that has no effect

If he was a dumb brute

Fine

It adds up

But then we see him create a strategy immediately

So you're implying that he's quick witted in combat

But that's not what we see

On top of that

Why do they stay?

Pride?

Not like they are DU

If Yuki wants to move that guy to the hospital then why doesn't she?

A moment ago Yuki was just as cofrintatinal as Hitachi

Again she was willing to beat up a stranger over a candy bar

Implying she has a short fuse

Hitachi remains consistent from when we last saw him

But Yuki is shaking?

She will go into a fit of rage over candy

She will be collected when a thug presents himself as a threat

But when another criminal does the same she is this unerved?

Plus

You implied she could read people

Apparently she is pretty good the way she called out gun thug

And did not even flinch

But she didnt notice how empty the train is?

She must have

She sat away from the few people on it

She wouldn't be able to tell something was up?

All teddy did was attack a near empty train

What happen to Yuki deduction?

If teddy wanted a body count he wouldn't be here

+


(Yuki shuts up, eyes widened and a bit shaken up.)

Hitachi: If not, do as I say and we might have a shot. Now once I charge at him, go. Got it?
(Yuki is still shaken up, but she nods. The scene switches to Teddy, who is now looking around the area.)

+

That didnt explain anything

All hitachi said was
Get behind him
If you don't want to die
Do as I say
I’ll charge at him
And you go

How does he expect Yuki to sneak around Teddy on a freeway?

And if the situation was so desperate

That hitachi would look to a stranger for help

Despite her shaking like a leaf

And actually trust her with his life

A stranger who just said her superpower is that she was good with a blade

Although oddly not strengh like she told bryan

Hitachi wouldn't give her the blade?

And him the pipe?

If he trusts she wouldn't run away

Why can't he trust her with the sword?

I assume it's special to him but if hes this desperate why would that matter?
 
Plus

Teddy can only reflect if it hits his hand

Meaning all else is vulnerable

Hitachi could just grab teddy and throw him

And again

If they were knocked away to the point that teddy was looking for them

On a freeway?

Why don't they run?

They have no stake in this fight and the city is crawing with the law

Yuki made it clear this guy is dying

Not sure about the others inside but i assume she knows there were there

So pride should not be a factor when they have a chance to get away

Instead of sneaking up on this guy why didn't they use that time to get out of there and save a man's life?

If hitachi is to proud fine, not sure why seeing as he wants a low profile

And is doing everything that will get him noticed

But yuki has made it clear she wants to help this dying man
 
+

Teddy: Where the hell did I send that kid packing? I didn’t even mean to send him so far! Oh well, I guess he probably didn’t survive it, better contact-

++

Why is this city so empty?

It was a empty street

Then teddy said It was the freeway

Then teddy smack hitachi

And somehow lost him

how?

It's a empty road/freeway

What is blocking his view?

If it's barren with no people

Then how is it in the city?

If it's a empty street in the city

Perhaps buildings and such providing cover for Hitachi and Yuki to sneak attack

Then why are there buildings with no people?

If the freeway/ road was closed off due to crime

Then why do they allow the train to go over it?




+

(Teddy turns suddenly to see Hitachi, his sword swinging down at Teddy. Caught off guard, Teddy touches the ground and sends himself a few feet away, just in time to dodge the attack. Hitachi is breathing heavily, with a serious expression.)

Hitachi: (So that's it… His Talent. Then my plan will work.)

(Teddy looks pissed, holding his chest where his heart would be like he had a heart attack.)

Teddy: Dear god, you scared me, you goddamn cockroach! How the hell did you survive my attack!?

(Hitachi says nothing, but lowers his sword to about his knees, with the end of the sword facing Teddy.)

Teddy: You're not gonna get another chance like that, sorry to say. You’ve wasted enough of my time as it is.

(Teddy gets in position to launch himself at Hitachi, lowering his hands to the ground.)

Hitachi: Now! The legs!

(Teddy looks confused, raising up slightly, then turning his head around to see Yuki with a slim, steel bar from the debris. She sweeps the legs from behind, making Teddy trip and begin to fall.

+

So a hollow pipe had enough force to knock teddy off his feet

But when a strength type talant user with a giant heavy sword

Swings full force

Teddy just does not budge?

Sure his hands could reflect

But does that mean the weight of the object is absorbed as well?

It wouldnt just push him?

Also is Hitachi blade still bandaged up?

If so

Why wouldn't he unravel it?

Obviously the bandaged blade has no effect

So why keep using it if he is portrayed as quick witted in battle?

Especially If he is this close to dying

That he look to a stranger for help to save his life

Instead of trying something different

You implied in ch1 he was a loner

So obviously he had to deal with problems himself for a long while

With no back up

That Implies he had to adapt to beat every challenge on his lonesome

But at the turn of the hat

he is a team player?

He was only smacked once

That was enough to know he was outclassed?

He didn't want to try switching tactics or handle it on his own as he explained to the thug?

unless

If it was unraveled

And teddy hand talent absorbed both the blade edge and it's weight

Then how is he not cut in half from that clean shot from hitachi?

If Teddy can absorb with his entire body

Then how did Yuki sweep him off his feet when a giant sword and a strength user could not?

 
+


Before Teddy hits the ground, Hitachi rushes at him, his sword still lowered to his knees. Once Hitachi reaches Teddy, still charging at him, he starts to curve his sword up to try and catch Teddy.)

Teddy: (Yeah, ok!! I’ll just send that sword right back at you!)

(Teddy puts his hands out to try and stop the sword, but Hitachi curves the sword between Teddy’s arms, and raises his sword up, uppercutting Teddy. The force of the uppercut sends Teddy flying, so far that he lands a about a yard away from Hitachi and Yuki. All of this happened as Teddy was mid trip, by the way. The scene shows Teddy land with a loud thud, on his back. His face falls back to reveal he’s knocked out, defeated. Then it goes back to the other two. Yuki places the pipe down on the floor, using it as support to keep herself up. Hitachi plants his sword firmly in the ground, and walks over to Yuki, one hand on his hip. Even though he's bleeding severely, he keeps his composure. He looks at Yuki with concern.)

+

Yuki was shaken from the thought of dying from teddy

But now she's just hurt

But it's like the shaken yuki didn't even exist

She overcame her fear immediately

If she was not afraid and just happen to shake up

Then why was so compliant to someone that she would follow his orders and put herself in danger when they could both just get away


+

Hitachi: You alright? Come on, we need to get you to a doctor.

(Yuki looks at Hitachi in disbelief.)

Yuki: Me!? You're the one who's bleeding a damn waterfall!

(Hitachi looks confused, then touches his forehead, and looks at the blood on his hand. He doesn't appear to be phased by it.)

Hitachi: Huh, guess I am, aren’t I? Then I guess we both need to see a doctor.

(Yuki is speechless, but then remembers Regold, and turns towards where she left him. He is on the ground, slouched over by a wall of a building.)

Yuki: Our priority should be to help him out first, then ourselves. You seem fine *under her breath: Somehow* , do you mind carrying him?

Hitachi: No problem. Let’s go.

(Hitachi and Yuki go over to the unconscious Regold. Yuki is still using the pipe as if it was a crutch or cane. Hitachi bends down inspect the man, but then wobbles a bit.)

Yuki: Hey, you ok?

(Hitachi goes to grab his sword for support but his hand simply slides off and he falls unconscious. Yuki looks horrified, and she falls to her knees, pushing the pipe aside and attempting to tend to Hitachi.)

Yuki: *censored*, you lost way too much blood… what the hell was going through your head!?

(Yuki pushes some of his hair out of the way on his forehead and attempts to clean him up with her sleeve.)

Yuki: (I need to think of a way to get us help, and quick. These wounds are ridiculous. What the hell was that guy even after… and what was with those weird ears…)

+

How can Yuki not know?

What happened to the deductive side she had in ep1?

And you said yuki was not a complete shut in

Even if she was

She has a TV

Was there really no reports of any animal eared people?

If not

Won't she assume it was a talent user?
+


(The scene shows over Yuki’s shoulder to show that Teddy has disappeared, before switching to a new scene where the cat form of Teddy is sprinting through some of the wreckage. Towards the front of the destroyed train, Shake can be seen sitting on a pile of rubble. He looks up as Teddy stops in front of him. Off panel, Teddy transforms back to his human form, looking pissed off, bleeding from the mouth a bit.)

Shake: Jeez, you ok Teddy? There wasn’t supposed to be soldiers on the train so-

(Still pissed, Teddy wipes the blood spilling from his mouth.)

Teddy: Well there were soldiers, two of ‘em. We need to clear out of here before backup arrives. You got the cargo?

(Shake reluctantly points besides him, to a briefcase with a bit of blood splatter on it.)

Shake: Yeah, I got it. The old guy was pretty hesitant to let it go, but I snatched it from him before anyone else noticed.

(Teddy nods, and sighs.)


Teddy: Alright then, Shake, then let’s book it back to Tai.

(Shake gets up, and Teddy transforms back to his cat from. Shake stays human, and the two walk into a nearby alley way, Shake with the briefcase in hand. The scene switches back to Yuki, who has taken off her coat entirely and tied it around Hitachi’s head, attempting to bandage the wound. She is now tending to Regold. As she is checking to see where he’s hurt, he starts to regain consciousness. He looks around for a second, somewhat out of it, then notices Yuki checking his chest, his coat unbuttoned for her to see. He blushes a bit, concerned.)

+

So they fear the cops?

If they were after the case why didn't teddy just take it?

If he had orders to take it then why waste time with hitachi

And if the case was so important claw would only send 2 people after it?

Or have them attack when he was off the train?

And not draw attention?

On a public transit?

If they were not expecting cops

Then why didnt they just get inside the train

Heck teddy could be in his cat form

Then when they are over the empty road

Teddy goes human

Takes the breifcase

And leaves

Apparently regold is human so what could he do

If teddy is so bold to blow up a train

Then why not just steal it without causing a scene

And

i assume the guy knew his briefcase was important

So why would he board a train during a crime spree?



+

Regold: Um, miss? I think I might be just a bit too old for you…

(Yuki looks at Regold confused, then realized it looked as if she was checking him out, so she blushes a bit as well, and backs off a bit.)

Yuki: N- no way! Creep, do you even know where you are!?

(Regold looks around a bit more, and notices the train a few feet away from them. He sighs, and pulls out his glasses from his coat pocket, and slides them on as his middle finger positions them.)

Regold: So, that furball actually blew us clean off the tracks…

Yuki: You mean the huge guy? Yeah, I think so. I was unconscious for some time, so I have no clue what went down as soon as we hit the ground.

(Yuki looks over at Hitachi.)

Yuki: That dude over there saved both of our asses, I have no clue how…

Regold: I see. Well, I appear to be in decent shape thanks to you two, so I owe you a great deal. You appear to have had your fair share of trouble here as well, so let's see if we can’t find you guys a doctor.

(Regold slowly rises to his feet, Yuki somewhat surprised by his vitality.)

Regold: I’ll grab the boy, you go and see if you can find any help. I’ll be right behind you.

(Yuki nods, and heads off to find any help. Regold picks up Hitachi on his back, Hitachi’s sword on Hitachi’s back tied to him with his bandages. Before following after Yuki, he looks around one more time.)

Regold: (Yup, I knew it. That cat was after the research… I’ll have to fill the others in later.)

(The scene now switches to the three in the hospital, Regold watching over the kids while both are in beds side by side. Yuki is awake, but Hitachi is currently asleep. Yuki is sitting up, her coat on the end of the bed, still bloody from Hitachi. She’s staring at it. Regold sighs, then looks over at Yuki. He is sitting on a chair by her bedside.)

Regold: I should apologise to you two.

Yuki: Huh?

Regold: The whole train thing… that man was after my belongings.

+

If he is the head of the science division

And

KNEW people were after his incredibly important briefcase

Then why would he not be escorted?
Have a weapon?
Have backup
Go somewhere public

+

(Yuki stares at Regold for a second.)

Yuki: What do you mean?

Regold: I think it might be best to introduce myself. I’m Kimichi G. Regold. I’m the head of Regold Science Inc.

(Yuki looks dumbfounded.)

Yuki: What!? No way, the Regold!? Your a legend!

(Regold scratches the back of his head and smirks a bit.)

Regold: I guess I’m a bit famous, aren't I? Sorry, I should have told you sooner, I think-

(Hitachi turns his head towards Regold, awake now but still lying down. He has bandages on his forehead and all around his chest.)
Hitachi: I’ve never heard of you. Mind explaining a bit?

(Regold’s glasses slide off his face a bit, and Yuki has a (T_T) expression on. Regold clears his throat, and adjusts his glasses with his middle finger again.)

Regold: Well, if you really don’t know, Regold Science is the world’s leading science research company. We specialize in everything, from simple day to day equipment to architectural things like buildings and railways, Like the Freeway we were on.

+

So it was a freeway

Then where was everybody?

If this man is a legend

Then why would he carry his documents physically

This is where your tech age works against you

Couldn't he just send a decrypted files to who it needs to go to?

We see they have
TV
News
High advance bullet trains
And other high tech stuff

But they don't have email?

For a man of legend he seems pretty cavalier about the train blowing up

We only saw one part of it

But you said there were a few random people

And only 3 made it out

So i assume the other random people inside just died in the fire

Why didn't yuki try to look for survivors? She saw them in the train

It does not even cross her mind

Also

You pointed out the science division was one of the focus of the attacks

And a man apparently a legend

Just strolls around while their city is in chaos?

Again

He's not some random guy

He's a legend and his fame is known to even Yuki

So why does he not do anything that would prevent himself from being attacked?

Why would he even be left alone during a crime spree?

+

Hitachi: I see. Sorry, I’m not from around here. What is it that the Catman was after?

(Regold folds his arms.)

Regold: I was bringing some blueprints for a new vehicle design to one of my Labs, but that man took it. He’s probably planning on selling it or something…

(Regold sighs.)

Yuki: You should have told us while we were there! We could have gotten the blueprints back for you…

Regold: It’s fine, they weren't anything to special anyways.

+

Then why did he carry it around?

If it was not important to him

And it's not needed immediately

And it's not due by his company

Why have it?

His actions just cost innocent lives left behind on the train

But he does not even seem bothered

+

 I’m more concerned about you two kids. When we checked into this hospital, neither of you were in the computer’s database. Mind explaining why you two don’t have any identification?

+

Then why didnt the police question Yuki at the crime scene but let her walk away with a candy bar?

+

(Yuki looks away, avoiding the question.)

Yuki: Huh, oh jeez, looks like the other kid made a speedy recovery, huh?

Hitachi: The name’s Hitachi Justice. You?

Yuki: Um… Yuki Versai. Sorry, I guess we never really got to introduce ourselves.

Hitachi: You owe me. When the train initially crashed, I was the one who pulled you out when you were unconscious. Actually, you were out for quite a bit, I think you might have hit your head during the crash.

(Yuki blushes a bit.)

Yuki: Oh… well, Thank you. I guess I do owe you one.

Hitachi: You can pay me back by getting me into that school of yours, the military one. I want to become a Soldier, so If you could put in a word for me, that would be great.
(Yuki stares at Hitachi, a bit confused.)

Yuki: I’m, uh… I’m not a Soldier. I honestly thought you were one.

(Hitachi looks disappointed.)


Hitachi: What!? Ah man, I really thought I was going to get a free pass in… well, guess that's my fault for assuming.

(Regold stands up.)

Regold: Well, considering I owe the both of you my life, hows about I put in a word for the both of you? I’m a good friend of the principles. Him and I go way back, I’m sure he would consider you two greatly if I tell him about the whole Freeway incident.

+

So he is not only a legend but is good friends with the DU

So he knows far more about the super powers

So why did he go anywhere alone?

If he is friends with them and even has enough pull to get two people inside

He would have no type of protection?

And why was yuki so desperate to save a life when others died?

No guilt

Nothing

The tone of the room is upbeat

Despite people dying due to someone bringing blueprints that were not important anyway

It makes it really hard to tell how we are to feel

Obviously we should be excited for them

But nobody seems bothered by the attack

They treat it like they stopped simple muggers

It was not a simple strike

It was a fireball of metal 

On a train that is high in the sky for all to see

people died

And seeing no cops are there

Despite them being there almost immediately for a casual store clerk

For one thug

It just makes it hard to feel like this is a vicotry when the
Cops
Cast
Powers
Law
Keep conflicting
 
+

(Both Yuki and Hitachi perk up.)

Yuki: Really, you’d do that for us? Thats awesome!

+

So yuki sits far away from people in a train

Again implying she does not prefer to be with people

But is excited to go to a school full of them?

What changed? From ch1 and 2?

This is the same day

Hitachi remains consistent as this was the goal the entire time

And he shown to be indifferent when it comes to talk to others

+

Hitachi: I’m down for that. Thanks Pops.

Regold:.. I’m not that old, kid. Anywho, yeah, I have to visit him tomorrow for the exams anyways, so how about you two rest up today, and attend tomorrow's written portion of the exam? The physical portion shouldn’t be for another week, so you’ll have time to heal up.

+

but byran said it was in a month

why is it now two days? and then rest in a week?


(Bryan grins stupidly as he fist bumps the air)

Bryan: Awesome! By the way miss, the names Bryan. Yours?

Yuki: Yuki. Yuki Versai.

Bryan: Well then, Yuki, I guess I’ll see you in a month! Don't skimp out on me!

Yuki: Yeah, yeah. Don't worry, I really don't have much else to occupy my time. I'll be there.

was Bryan lied too?

but if hes a fanboy wouldnt he already know on his own?

+

(Regold waves, and the others wave back as he exits the room. Hitachi sits up in his bed, and notices Yuki’s coat.)

Hitachi: Jeez, I didn’t notice all that blood before, are you going to be ok?

Yuki: You mean my coat? Actually, all that blood came from you… I used it to bandage you up.

Hitachi: O- Oh. I see. Sorry about the mess then, I guess.

(Yuki sighs.)

Yuki: It’s fine, I just hope it comes out easy. That coat means a lot to me.

(Hitachi stares at Yuki for a second, then at the coat.)

Hitachi: Was it a gift or something?

Yuki: Yeah, you could say that. Someone really special to me gave it to me when we parted ways a long time ago.

Hitachi: I see… I can respect that. My sword is something that's pretty special to me, for similar reasons.

(The chapter ends on a panel close up of Yuki’s bloody coat.)

END CHAPTER

Hope this helps^^

final thoughts would be that perhaps have a solid system of what you like for us as the reader to to understand

you commented that the next chapter would start to develop the world

but the inconsistency make it hard to follow and only raise questions more and more questions

Because it always seems plot relevant

as most of these conflicts have very simple solutions and could be avoided

but because certain events need to take place

elements of the story continue to change to fit the plots needs

including the cast personality's as well as the villains

making it hard to feel what they feel and understand what they do

And I’ll be stopping my in depth reviews of your chapters here

Chapter 3-8 might as well be a entirely different story despite being only a week later

It is fully centered around young kids with superpowers enrolling into a school to better themself

Taking a exam of rescuing civilians for points

Then a tournament arc

The crime spree is never mentioned again

We never see the city

Nobody talks about it what happened

The teachers don't even seem worried

Not even sure why they are not helping out if there is a crisis

Despite saying the DU force was spread thin

But all we see is a whole bunch of characters with incredible powers

All under complete control

But everyone only talks about the tournament coming up

Hitachi who came to just find a bed and board suddenly is hyper competitive with Yuki out of nowhere

Yuki becomes nice and chatty with everyone despite being a loner avoiding crowds

Then she finds a special telepathic sword that communicates with her

But she treats it so casually despite no weapon doing the same or the fact it was in a school

And carrys on as if this is normal

And she talks to everyone and acts rather friendly

Except when Bryan is involved

We learn hitachi weapon was dull the entire time

The fact he was told carrying a weapon into the city was a problem

Turns out to be completely false as it's never brought up and even encouraged to be used against other kids because the cat lady said it was blunt

Despite it still being a giant heavy slab of iron

And for those 5 chapters nothing about the first 3 had really any point or meaning

there is no world building as it fully focuses on the giant new cast of charters

and the tournament

it just becomes about the school at this point

see bully's with superpowers

and its just a fight after fight with ominous exposition given to us by the telepathic sword 

to be honest

You could have started the story here at ch3 and most issues would go away

No crime spree explains why the school is active and running normal

And why nobody talks about it

We wouldn't know about Yuki or Hitachi flip flop personality

in fact you do in the school what should have been done since chapter one

everyone is introduced so quickly they have to show off their power and move aside for the next person

so it does feel like this is a place where alot of people have powers

I don't mean any of this in a negative way

i wish i could offer more suggestions but even after 8 chapters

and even after you said
however where the manga starts off IS the cause and effect taking place. Give it a few chapters in, and I think you’ll start to see what I mean by that.

i cant name one thing that is not established here

that is later either false, conflicting, forgotten or never happened

and I feel utterly lost in your worlds design that we eventually abandon anyway for this school

and if we just abandon the city after knowing what we know

how can we possibly see any sort of the "cause and effect" you talked about?

when the super power kids dont act like these are new powers recently givin to them

but instead have great control, at least well enough to use in combat against others

That's All i have to say really

if you have any questions about this

 let me know

till next time

- Action
« Last Edit: March 05, 2019, 02:55:25 AM by Action Animation »

Offline PichuDX

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Re: Dragon Universe (Shonen)
« Reply #27 on: March 11, 2019, 11:37:28 PM »
Heyo! I want to address the sudden radio silence on my end. Over the last week, me and Action (Thanks bud!) have been working really hard to fix some glaring issues with Dragon Universe, mainly its pacing and character development. In the end, the problems were rooted from the very start, and we had to scrap all 9 of the finished chapters in order to fix it. It was a hard decision, but as a writer, and honestly as a creator, I felt that it was the write thing to do.
So why am I telling you all this? Well, if you haven't noticed, We reworked Dragon Universe's plot entirely! The characters are all the same, but the scripts are very different from before, and the problems we addressed have been fixed! For example, Yuki never visits Toaru, the city from chapter 1. In fact, she doesn't head there until much later. For those who enjoyed the scripts from before, I highly recommend and would be very thankful if you gave the newer scripts a read through, I think you'll like them just as much as we do ^-^
As to not confuse new readers, we are uploading the new scripts to an new thread,  under "Dragon Universe [Rework]". I hope to see you guys over there!!
-Nathan L., Writer of Dragon Universe

Offline KeanFox

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Re: Dragon Universe (Shonen)
« Reply #28 on: March 12, 2019, 12:29:52 AM »
"the write thing to do." Was that a pun? :hmm:

Offline PichuDX

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Re: Dragon Universe (Shonen)
« Reply #29 on: March 12, 2019, 06:31:40 AM »
If I respond with yes, how believable would that be? :3