November 18, 2017, 09:46:49 PM

------------------------------------------

If you have Login Problems Use the Login in Top Menu Bar


------------------------------------------
If you have a problem registering here, Leave a msg at our FB Page >> Here.

Plz Don't use Hotmail to Register. You might not receive Activation mail. Use Other free mail provider like Gmail or Yahoo.






Author Topic: Co-writer for a shounen-style manga.  (Read 149 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Canislupus54

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 45
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Co-writer for a shounen-style manga.
« on: October 10, 2017, 03:08:04 PM »
I recently started righting a manga tentatively titled Byakko. I've posted a couple scenes here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,18680.0.html . There are a couple problems with this. Mainly, I'm having trouble developing things other than those scenes and, while I want to get this drawn at some point, I'm not used to writing panel-by-panel. So, I want someone to help me with those things.

This would be unpaid. Although, if we somehow make revenue off this, I'd be happy to share it.

A brief summary of the basic premise:

Four year old Tora's father witnesses a man trying to kill his two-year old daughter and four year old son. Tora's father offers to adopt the two, and the man agrees. Tora and the son, Loup, have contrasting personalities, and Tora has average talent with the use of inochi, magical energy, while Loup excels at it. The two become rivals. Loup also has nothing but contempt for his younger sister, Shiro, and so Tora takes on a brotherly and mentor role. Eleven years later, Loup and Tora both try to enter the elite King's Guard, but Tora is relegated to the Hunters' Corps. Loup follows him, wanting to continue their rivalry.

If you read the above scenes, you'll know that Tora dies in the first arc after sneaking Shiro in on their first mission. Shiro then takes over the protagonist role. Loup remains the secondary protagonist.

Just reply or PM me if interested. Thanks.

Offline MadOxMalachi

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 15
    • View Profile
Re: Co-writer for a shounen-style manga.
« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2017, 02:08:11 AM »
"Mad Ox" Malachi here. I took a piece of one scene and edited it. I increased the artistic freedom, the delivery, and the impact of what I quoted said. At the same time I included notes (discussion points) for a well-developed scene.

After reading what's in the spoiler how do you feel?

Spoiler
A large man, resting a massive sword on his shoulder, rounds the corner in front of Tora and Loup. He’s wearing the Hunter uniform with the sleeves torn off. The two tense up. Loup puts his right hand on the hilt of his sword.

LOUP: Who are you? We didn’t hear about any other Hunters in the area.

The Large Man smirks.

LARGE MAN: Heh, looks like the bait hasn’t quite expired yet. You can call me Black.

LOUP: Bait? Then the malbeasts…

BLACK: I lured them here. Well, I can’t take all the credit. In any case, I—

Tora’s right fist impacts Black’s face. Black flys backwards down the street and smashes into a disheveled storefront.

[e.g. Via flashback Tora remembers the people, woman, kids, bloody tear bear]

TORA: I'll kill ya.

[Notes from Mom: Or alternatives statements involving what he wants or feels the need to do to right the wrongs]

Black stands and dusts himself off. His face splits into a manic smile and he starts laughing.

BLACK: Nice arm, boy! If you want to fight I’ll be happy to oblige.

Black swings his sword down on(? to) the ground one-handed. A wave of air pressure rushes at Tora, Tora’s eyes widen, but Loup pulls him out of the way.

LOUP(whispering): Always letting your emotions get the best of you. Geez, Tora. I wanted to grill him for information, but I guess it's too late for that now. Let's take him together.

[Notes from Mom: Alternatives depending on their relationship, closeness, rivalry]

[Notes from Mom: Quick flashback to when Loup wasn't so eager to work together with Tora. Stuff like that]

Tora notices the change in Loup. He agrees with a short nod. Black appears before them and attacks Loup. Loup draws his sword and blocks. A large shockwave erupts from the collision damaging the walls and street around them. Black and Loup are at a stalemate.

[Notes from Mom: Reason why Black attacks Loup instead of the person who punched him in the face?]

BLACK: Good reflexes, kid!

LOUP: It’s more than reflexes! Hah!

Loup pushes. Black slides backwards. Tora rushes in and punches Black in the stomach. Black swings, but Tora easily leaps to avoid the attack and kicks Black in the face. Black staggers. Loup appears and stabs Black in the stomach.

BLACK: Gaak!!

Black punches Loup with his free hand, a clean hit. Loup flies backwards and through the building at the end of the street.

Tora: What power!

[Notes from Mom: Yes, punching someone through a building gives the punch the impression of power. If readers don't suffer from short term memory loss they'll remember how Loup pushed Black back, and how easily Black was just being pushed around, and will continue to think nothing has changed. Black is not a threat.

And, "What power!" is lame. Alternatives: something that shows Tora is concerned about Loup's well-being after taking such a powerful punch if it's to be believable.]

Black takes advantage of Tora decision to look away and attacks.

[Notes from Mom: (for below) Reason why Black decides to go stupid and help them regroup instead of keeping them separate or killing one off?]

Black grabs Tora by the face and throws him in the same direction as Loup. Loup is just standing up when Tora crashes into him. They both tumble down the street. They stop when Black plants his foot down on top of Tora’s back.

BLACK: You’re not bad, brats. It’s been a while since I used five percent of my power. Almost a shame to snuff out your flame. Almost.

[Notes from Mom: I hate the cliche, but its a shonen, right.]

Loup stabs Black in the calf. Black steps off and stabs down at Tora and Loup, but they suddenly disappear. Loup stands behind Black with his sword by his side in a relaxed position with Tora crouching behind him. Loup smirks.

[Notes from Mom: No edits here, only to point out Black is weak. The powerful punch and throw has not changed how weak Black comes across the entire scene. If that's the intention, great. If not the power dynamic needs changing.]