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Author Topic: Drake of the darkness  (Read 517 times)

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Offline Silver

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Drake of the darkness
« on: October 04, 2017, 08:53:10 PM »
 :read: well before you read this for who ever does just a fair warning I've written down story plots and ideas for years now so this is honestly my first time attempt at a script type of writing so bare with me it's most likely going to be pretty bad what I want from the people who read this is advice. maybe I wasn't clear in my writing? the characters seem flat? anything you can tell me that will help me improve my writing or story telling. I'm not trying to write a novel I'm trying to write manga so If you tell me advice like ''you need more attention to detail on describing things'' I don't wanna hear it same with the spell check those are things I'll get better at in time.


  Drake of the Darkness
                                                                             - Chapter 1 -
                                                                 The decade Long Nightmare.

A few parasites move across the crumbled earth very slowly. ''Have you ever wondered if a god exists? If all of the lost lives in this world had a reason or have they been all meaningless deaths? Reaching out to a world that cannot see the forest for the trees a world that can't move forward seems pointless. How many killings will be without thought or mercy? In a world like this ... I don't know how much hope I have left.'' Drake tilted the knife in his hand looking at his own reflection. .... The young man with his bangs covering his eyes with a muscular build tilted his head over to the clock in the room filled with junk. '' I better get going I guess'' The young man pulled his white button  up shirt over his muscular back and broad shoulders buttoning the shirt up putting on the tie and jacket for his school uniform. Before drake walks out of the door to school. ''Busy again?'' he looks over at his grandmothers empty chair. ''I guess she can't help if she has work.'' Drake looks over at the tv as his eyes narrow he walks over to the television. ''I can't believe she still watches this *censored*.'' Drake said with a nasty tone to his voice. The news reporter spoke on the tv. ''We have a team investing the lost cities right now as we speak hopefully we can find the means in which the terrorists have targeted and Att---'' Drake turned off the tv. ''.. heh.. listening to these annoying broadcast still pisses me off'' A silence passes as he leaves for school. drake walked to school. ''15 years ago the world was covered in darkness. It looked like an eclipse at the time and it covered the whole world in black. It only lasted a day when the sun started to shine again cities all over the world were consumed by that same darkness. It looked like a sphere of darkness from far away ..it's haunting looking at a city that is no longer there and for what reason? After that night so many people plead to god as if he could fix our problems in the end no one did anything they just sat there and prayed..and prayed and prayed. In the end it turns out all the heroes turned out to be cowards.'' As he walks he finally reaches the door to his homeroom as he opens the door. ''Hello there'' A shorter student said to him with blonde hair waved to the side. ''your shun?'' Drake responded. ''Hey hey no introductions I was looking for someone I knew!'' drake looked at him as he responded. ''Why is that?'' ''Isn't that obvious? we can seat together I'd rather set next to someone I already know then a stranger unless the teacher has assigned seats for us that is..'' setsu said with a bit confidence shaking into uncertainty. ''That's fine I don't care either way.'' Drake said bluntly. ...(I guess it would be better this way since I don't wanna be bothered by freshmen.) Drake nods twice to himself in thought. More students walk in As the teacher comes in a bit late. ''Sorry I'm running behind today. will everyone who walked in please take their seats.'' All the students sat down. ''Okay we're going to start today with introductions this year I want your name grade and one thing about yourself.'' ''Hey teach! aren't we a little bit to old for these introductions? Can't we skip this crap? We do this every year.'' One of the students protested as the teacher sighed. ''How many times have I mentioned this now? I want to know the faces AND the names of all of my students in this class. Some of you are familiar faces but for some of the newer students this will be our first introduction i'd like to know something about everyone here even the students who've been here before.'' the student mumbles as he sat deeper in his desk. ''He always says the same *censored* every year.. '' Please introduce yourselves we'll start in alphabetic order. ''The teacher said with a smile on his face'' ''Alright first is Mr.Adrian'' ''Drake stood up out of his set in the back gazing back at the teacher'' ''My name is Drake Adrian. I'm a third year and .. I'm not really talented but I hope we can get along this year as well.'' Drake said with a blunt but soft tone to his voice.'' Alright ..(Adrian always give the same introduction for the last three years now? unbelievable. ) ''next is Mr.Alexis.'' the teacher said firmly as some of the kids tried keeping their laughs muffled. ''...'' Alastair stood up he looked at the students laughing and then forward again ignoring their childish laughter. ''My names Alastair Alexis I'm a second year this year and most of this classes upper class-men apparently..'' Alastair looked at the 1st years laughing with much tension drawn to his eyes as the 1st years become silence. ''As for something about me? I'm always well prepared for school I'd assume for you all to do the same.'' As time went on it came to the last student to introduce himself. ''Alright Shun your up try not to make a fool of yourself'' the teacher said with a worried expression. Setsu stood up. Hey give me some credit I always do a good job...most of the time.'' The teacher looked at Setsu. ''Alright Setsu introduce yourself.'' Setsu looked back as he spoke. Alright Alright my name is Setsu shun I'm a third year and I'm a pretty smart guy so if you guys ever need help don't be afraid to lean on me.'' The teacher sits up in his chair. ''Alright to all of the old and new student welcome! I'm happy to meet your acquaintance this year.'' The teacher said with a chipper-ness to his voice. ''Home room is almost over now I'll dismiss you guys early today but I expect all of you to be on time for your next class understand?'' The class agrees as they are dismissed. ''I guess That wasn't terribly boring right?'' Setsu joked to Drake. ''..hm.. well you could be right about that.'' ''you know your a pretty weird guy keeping spiders in your pocket now? Setsu said as he curiously grabbed the metal spider attached to the side of drakes bag. ''Hey..'' Drake tried stopping setsu but before long he started rambling on about drakes device but soon after drake steals it back. ''Do you make a habit of taking what doesn't belong to you?'' drake said with a stern tone to his voice. ''Hey I meant no harm but maybe I could help you fix your device? I'm pretty good at that sort of thing.'' Setsu asked drake with a yearning to know more about it. ''If I couldn't fix this thing what makes you think you can? besides it doesn't need to be fixed...'' Drake sigh. ''I don't really know you .. so if you don't mind could you leave me alone?'' Drake asked out almost sadden for some reason. ''....Sorry about this '' Drake said as he brushed past him as he did setsu took a look back at him. ''...'' After the silence a few classes go by as lunch draws closer. Drake in science class. As the teacher rambles on for a few mins a young girl approaches Drake. ''Hello there Mind if I sit with you?'' The Ginger looked at drake directly. ''..Sayumi.? sure.'' Drake said with a hushed tone. ''How have you been Adrian?'' Sayumi smirked ''.....you know I don't like you calling me that..'' Drake said sighing. ''Aww come now you know I'm just teasing you lighten up'' Sayumi laughed a bit lightening the mood. ''Seems like that's happening to me a lot lately.'' Drake proclaimed. ''Drake seriously... you have to stop being so serious all the time it wouldn't kill you to smile here or there.'' Sayumi said sounding concerned. ''Talking about what i should do doesn't make it any easier.'' Drake responded. ''Drake..please at least try before it's to late I'm worried about you.. you need people just like how you helped me I want to help you...'' Sayumi pleaded out. ''..I know someone who's a lot like you I've known him for a while he's persistent and no matter how bad i treat him he always finds the good in something I do A person like you or him..'' Drake manged his words however difficult it may have seem for him. ''...'' Sayumi brushed his bangs to the side. ''Your one of the strongest people I've ever met Drake and i know if you keep trying something good will happen.'' Sayumi said calmly as she brushed his bangs to the side feeling his tension ease up.  ''...Thank you'' Drake let out a light sigh as he smiled faintly. As he let out a smile Sayumi smiled as well. ''see? it's not so hard it's a start for you'' she pinched his cheek playfully.  ''H-Hey not this again ..'' Drake a bit surprised seemed flustered with happiness. Well? what else were you doing before I started bothering you?'' Sayumi said as she picked up his work sheet and looked over it. ''H-hey No fair the one subject I'm bad in right haha ..'' Sayumi said with a flush to her cheeks. ''yeah right idiot.'' Drake joked a bit as he did the teacher walked back to drakes seat. ''Is something funny miss Violet?'' The teacher said almost scolding her. ''Oh! I was helping drake you know how he can get I was helping him correct his work.'' She put her finger  tips together forming an x indicating the x for wrong answers. ''ENOUGH EXCUSES! get back to your own work miss Violet!'' Right away sir.. well I'll see you later Drake.'' Sayumi gave drake a smile as she waved few minutes passed and the bell rang for lunch. ''hmm..'' Drake looked around a bit as he checked the doorway of the roof top of the school. '' I guess It's clear to eat here'' Drake got into his bag to get his bento box as he started to eat some of the rice. ''Okay let's see if I can get you running this time..'' Drake pulls out of his bag the metal spider with a metal like device shaped similar to a touch screen cell phone. ''...'' He adjusts the spiders legs as the first two legs go onto the metal plate. ''Now the hard part adjusting the internal structure of something is easier said then done.'' Drake took another bite off food as he opened up the metal device showing the internals of the machine as he did he moved around the internal devices features. A bit of time passes and nothing has changed as he works on the metal device the door to the school rooftop turns as it does drake takes what he was working on and moves his bag over it. The door opens quickly. ''hey I've been looking everywhere for you!'' Setsu said relieved after a long search. ''I was looking for you too.'' Drake said calmly but suddenly. ''huh? ..you were?'' As drake said that two classmates followed behind Setsu. ''..Well it can wait.'' Drake said noticing the students behind him weren't going to leave anytime soon. ''What are you doing here?'' Drake said. ''Straight to the point as usually.'' Setsu joked. ''I went looking for you I wanted you to eat with us. I kinda of gave up looking for you so we wanted to talk just among our selfs so we wanted to come here it's not a bad outcome you being on the roof!'' Drake looked a bit confused. [This guy is so weird didn't I tell him off earlier? why would he still wanna talk to me..] ''Well not much happens up here.'' Drake said staring over at the two then glancing away. ''It's a lot better then being down in the cafeteria the place is a mad house right now.'' The tall student with light pink eyes  and dark brown hair said firmly with a collected expression. ''Well your in luck this place is as peaceful as it comes'' Drake noted to the tall student. ''As far as school goes I'd say your right. Names Aamon by the way Aamon Ren.'' The tall student proclaimed answering in a friendly way. ''Hey Aamon did you forget? Drakes been in our home room for the past 2 years.'' The younger girl with dark red hair and yellow eyes reminded him. ''H-hey sorry about that Drake must have slipped my mind'' Aamon rubbed the back off his head bashfully embarrassed The red haired student named Erika Scarlet giggle'd softly at Aamons forgetful nature. ''Hey Don't worry about it I... well we can eat together if you guys want.'' Drake said a bit awkward unsure of how to say it as he did setsu put his hand on Aamons shoulder. ''my friend you must be very special .. Drakes has never invited me to eat with him.'' Setsu said with fake tears in his eyes as he said that Aamon started laughing. ''come on It's not a competition setsu.'' Aamon said as setsu's eyes were covered in the glare from his glasses. ''...It doesn't feel that way to me ..'' An arrow shoots threw Setsu and the arrow says competitive. As Erika laughs they all begin to sit down and eat. ''eeekk... It's pretty chilly out here huh?'' Erika said shivering a bit. ''It's not to cold but then again I'm not wearing a skirt.'' Setsu said casually. ''Hey come on setsu stop teasing Erika.'' Aamon spoke up for his shorter companion. ''I'm sorry Erika I didn't mean it I was only joking around.'' Setsu smiled faintly As Erika pouted. You know I don't think I've ever seen you in a bad mood setsu..'' Erika said with a angered tone to her voice. ''Woah hey I said I was sorry don't shoot daggers at me like that!'' Setsu a bit nervous now that the attention was directed towards him.  Aamon took this chance to lighten the mood. ''So drake tell us about yourself where are you from man? '' Aamon asked drake trying to break the ice.  ... ''I'm from Avalon..'' The talking become still and then silent. Setsu's expression went blank as Erika spoke up. ''..D-did your family grow up there..? '' Erika let out a fake smile trying to avoid the awkwardness. ''It's okay Erika I know what your trying to say my mom and family were away when the city was captured.'' there as a small silence. ''captured? you say it so causally? I guess it's pointless now huh?'' Setsus normal and friendly expression has changed into a serious one almost a sad expression. ''It's weird talking about this out loud.'' Setsu said sighing. ''So what do we call something like that? it happened not so long ago but it's really scary...'' Erika added in. ''I heard the government was working on some kind of weapon that could eliminate whatever is covering that city.'' Aamon stated trying to give them hope. ''..Do you really believe that?'' Drake asks firmly. ''cities have been getting attacked for years now first appearance was 15 years ago now and the attacks just keep getting more and more frequent..If they had a weapon they should have used it by now.'' ..Drake grabbed an object from his book-bag. ''I took this from my moms office ..It's a device that can analyze practically anything but I can't figure out how to assemble it.'' ..Drake starched his head. ''She said it might be able to examine whatever the hell captures the cities..'' Setsu looked over at it. Hey Drake let me see that. Setsu strangely suggested as he did drake handed the device over. ''...'' Setsu looked over it for a few minutes. ''Huh.. this isn't so hard.'' drakes eyes widen as the third leg went into place activating the holographic screen. ''Please hold desired object over scanner.'' The device spoke out as the third leg was attached putting everyone in a state of shock. ''you figured it out so quickly.!?'' Drake couldn't help but smile as he looked at Setsu solving the problem he sought out to solve for a long time. ''H-Holy *censored*..'' Erika said staring at the device as Setsu let out a grin. ''Looks like i figured it out what should we scan!? ...hmm'' Setsu mustered up an idea as he put his finger on the scanner. ''...did it work? ..'' Aamon asked. ''.. ....Human detected finger print belonging to Setsu Shun. Blood type A Standing at exactly 172.72 centimeters, weight approximately 63.5029 kilograms, currently emotional state.. Content. ....Loading.... ..for more data please scan a different object.'' ''This is amazing!'' setsu said excited. ''let me see it..'' Drake said taking it from setsu as erika looked a bit concerned. ''Do ..Do you think this thing can really tell us about the captured city..?'' Aamon asked his mood brightening but a little scared. ''There's only one way to find out we'll have to try it!'' setsu answering. ''..what is this..'' Drake asked. ''Virus detected Virus detected Virus detected Virus detected.'' As the hologram spoke out the screen went black. ''It's never said this before..'' Drake said a bit worried a few seconds pass and the bell rings for lunch time to be over. ''Drake don't worry leave this kinda thing to me I promise i'll figure it out so we can finally get to the bottom of this whole mess.'' the look on setsu face wasn't one of concern or over confidence but a look of desire a desire to do something...and make something different happen. [I'm no good at trusting others but ..I'm going to try If this fails ..I wont trust others ever again but just this once..I..] Drake looked at setsu with a calm expression. ''... okay setsu looks like... i'll be counting on you after all...'' ''just as drake passes the device over to setsu the earth starts to shake for a moment drake sense someone watching them and takes a quick glance at the sky as he see's a black hole torn into the sky inside the hole is a girl with pure black skin almost as if her very skin was completely burnt her hair eyes and gums are all blood red she then waves her finger tips at drake with her red eyes piercing into him. ''..what the hell is that..?'' Black lasers fired from the sky covering the city in all different directions as the sky around them was consumed by black clouds. ''AGGGHHH!!'' Erika yelled out in fear as the roof started to crack under their feet. ''*censored* *censored* ...'' Aamon losing himself as the roof falls apart. ''WHAT THE *censored* IS GOING ON....Okay ..Okay calm down Aamon it's going to be okay it's fine I just have to go and--'' As Aamon tried calming himself the roof to the school started to crack ripping apart under them.  ''..This can't be happening.. '' Setsu said as his heart pounded hard against his chest. ''No!'' Setsu panicked as Drake tried his best to climb up the floor that was falling drake being separated from the group. ''Drake! CLIMB UP AND JUMP TO OUR SIDE'' Setsu yelled. Just after saying that his side of the building dropped along with drakes as drake went flying in the other direction. ''..god damn it is this happening now..!?'' Drake said to himself as he flew and slammed on the ground a metal bar flowing his landing strikes down drake just against the side of his chest. A huge cut across his chest as the blood doesn't stop gushing. ''AAGGH! .. '' Drake squints his eyes in pain ''S-*censored* ...God this hurts so bad ..AHHGG!'' Drake manages to stand up holding the left side of his chest bleeding quickly as he looks up at the black clouds surrounding the sky with smudges of blood and dirt across his face as he panted. ''hahh.. hah.. I guess we're all going to die ..?'' Drake panted harder as he struggled to walk with a nearly broken foot from the fall as he walked for a bit drake see's these black beams falling to the ground the shape resembling some type of creature fall from the clouds as his eyes watch them. ''.... .... .. just great.. ..'' Drake let out an angry sigh as he limped as the beams all went into different directions when they landed on the earth the impact was so strong and made drake drop to the ground. ''AGGHHH!!'' Drake hitting his head and his wound pouring out blood. ''...agh.. why ... why does this have to happen ..I don't wanna die in a place like this'' Drake struggles to his feet but all he can do is crawl as the creatures approach him. ''...It's getting ..harder to see...Don't die ..I won't die..'' Drake forces himself awake as he looks to the side and sees a giant long insect similar in shape to a large centipede it cocks its head to the side looking at drake with concern. ''....what the..--'' The centipede vanishes just as fast as it appears. ''..all this blood loss is making me delusional..''  He looks at in the distant and see's Erika covered in blood and shaking as one the creature stood behind. ..''Oh No... Erika... ERIKA RUN!! GET OUT OF THERE!!'' Erika faintly see's Drake through her tears as she tilts her head to the side looking at this huge black creature covered in blades attached to the arms the front only having eye more tears covered Erika's eyes but instead of running she held her hands praying. ''p...p..please god for.....fo...r...give us for we'' Erika gulped loudly as she sheds tear after tear.  ''.......have sinned'' ''Please go--'' Erika seemed to repeat her praying over and over. ''No.... Erika ..No ..No..You can still live..god..damn it...'' Drake said quietly to himself as he bit his lip it started to bleed  from his anger as he yelled from the top of his lungs. ''ERIKA MOVE!'' The creature standing above the girl  opened it's third mouth attached to his hand it licked her face full of tears and for a moment it stopped almost as if it was recognizing she was the target a moment passed and when it did the creature took the blade ran it through her neck and sliced her head off with ease her head flying in the air as it smash down on the ground blood marks everywhere as the face of Erika was nothing more then blood. ''............'' Drake looked away in silence. The creature gazed over at drake as he looked back. ..''You ..'' Drake bit his lip harder and harder as his anger explodes. ''You piece of *censored*.. You..all of you ruined my life..you took away my family my friends and my home. ...If I had the strength I'd kill every god damn one of you..'' Drake ran at the enemy full speed as the creature rushed back at light speeds as it did the blade of the creature went right through drakes stomach. ''....'' Drake let out a smirk as he threw up a *censored* ton of blood. ''BLLRRGGG!!'' Blood splattered on the dirt and his body almost completely covered in his own blood hanging on to his last bits of life. ''.....Don't you know.... ....the first rule to figh..ting? never underestimate your opponent..'' Drake pulled the blade his his stomach deeper making it hard for the creature to pull away from his flesh as he lifted his hand soaked in blood and scratches which held the tip of his blade that broke off from the collision as he did he stabbed the creature with his own blade with every thing he had making direct contact with the eye. ''at least i can take one of you to the grave with me..'' Drake let out a graceful smile as the creature screamed out in pain drake fell to ground. The creatures screams got louder and louder but right before the creature tried finishing off drake Setsu tackled it to the ground before Setsu could do anything the creature cried out and had died. ''DRAKE!'' As he looked at drake injured beyond repair he ran over to him. ''DRAKE!.. DRAKE.. ...'' Setsu's eyes closed as the scratches and bruises on his face covered him from head to toe. ''Oh ..no ..'' Setsu covered his eyes removing his cracked glasses. ''I'm so sorry drake...'' A silence passed as he looked at drakes blood covered face. ''..Setsu..? '' Blood covered his body with his angle bone fractured and a giant hole threw his stomach. ''When I heard your voice I thought I was dead..'' drake let out his words as he choked on blood. ''drake.. drake.. please stop talking I'm....I should have went after you..I'm so sorry drake. .. '' Setsu's gruesome expression grew even grimmer as drake begins to speak. ''I never noticed how....much I liked hav..ing you around..after .. my family died.. in fact... '' Drake spit up blood again losing what little life he had left. ''please I get it drake i get .. I... just wanted to be your friend too ..please stop talking...'' Setsu told drake as his voice cracked. ''gah...Setsu.. Thank y...ou.. your so troublesome but because of you and Sayumi I w...as never alone .. ... I wish .. we could.. ha..ve ...'' Drakes blood covered faces began to shed tears as his eyes closed and his heart stopped. ''...............................'' Setsu in silence began to speak... ''I've know you for 3 years ..I think that was the first time i made you smile .. '' Tears cover his eyes as he looked around at the creatures surrounding them. ''I h-have to go .. I won't forget you drake...'' Hesitate to leave he looks back at his dead friend and runs as fast as he can. Time passes a gust of wind blows over the land the dark creatures slowly taking over the city as despair covers the city something else happens. ''It's that centipede.'' ...''why are you the only thing I can see?'' Drakes mind went quiet. ''I guess it doesn't matter anymore huh?'' .. Drake begins to hear a loud noise. ''..It's kind of loud to be in heaven...'' The voice gets louder and louder as drakes eyes open. ''...?'' a woman talks to drake but drake cannot hear her words. ''what's she saying ..I can't hear..?'' ''h--........he--..............Hey Are you alive?'' Drake looks at his body as strong as ever as The young woman with dark purple hair called out to him. w-what the hell is happening..?

                                                                                                 Chapter 1 End.

                                                                                           To be continued.

Offline IndecisiveChild

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Re: Drake of the darkness
« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2017, 07:19:40 PM »
I think u should consider spacing out a bit and using paragraphs, that way it would be easy to read. Cos honestly I got lost when I was reading. So pls try to space it out
A joureny of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Offline Coryn

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Re: Drake of the darkness
« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2017, 11:19:27 AM »
Okay, read through complete. Let's get into it. (And don't worry, it's not all bad news, but I will come off as pretty critical to start with. They're all beginner mistakes though, so don't take this too harshly. It's always rocky when you're first starting out.  ;) )

You said you want to write in script style, but I'm not sure you actually looked that up before writing this? It's a common mistake when starting out, but you lack all sense of formatting. Not only does this make it incredibly hard to accept read (the giant paragraph makes your eyes hurt trying to keep your place), but it's just plain unprofessional looking. If the idea is that you're going to hand this off to an artist, then they won't be able to make heads or tails of it. So a massive massive improvement would be to look up an example of a script, and reformat the story in that manner.

Getting into grammar a bit, I know you mentioned you really aren't looking for feedback here, but it is a major thing you can't just ignore. You have to understand the basics before you can write something truly great. It's like how you can't do a complicated math equation if you don't understand how to add, subtract, multiply, and divide first. Admittedly, the biggest issues I saw were a lack of capitalized words that needed to be, and spelling errors. Both these things can easily be caught with spell check or a review on your part before you post. I like to teach people that spell check is your friend, and it only takes a moment to use it. Again, basic professionalism there.

Let's talk about the internal logic of the story. There were several gaps that need filling. First: Setting. I don't know when or where this is, and you gave no context either. A big hint is usually character names, but you were all over the place with those. The impression I got was that it should be in a Japanese style highschool, but Drake Adrian is possibly the least Japanese name of all time. Crossing the two isn't out of the question, but it needs to be explained why this is the case.

Second, there is the school itself. I don't know about you, but I've never encountered a school where multiple years were in the same class. People from different years may know each other, but they wouldn't share the same home room, especially in the Japanese schools, where the students keep to the same room all day long, and the teachers change. Additionally, it seemed like they had two classes before lunch, and they each lasted about five minutes. There needs to be time breaks in there.

Onto characters, and let's start with Drake, because he's the only one we really get any perspective on. This is also pretty subjective, so take my words with a grain of salt. After all, this could be what you were aiming for. But honestly, the guy is just not likable. He's instantly abrasive to everyone around him, and he just comes off as one sided for 90% of the chapter. We do get a little more once we're told that he lost his parents and that he believes people should define their own destinies, but it feels sorta like a hail Mary at the end there. I'm not saying you need to change that arc of revelation, but a more subtle approach to his anger would do wonders. Although the explanation of his past felt ham fisted. Less is more in this case. Have a different character recognize his issues naturally, and then give a little less information. Like this, it just reads like the other guy says "I now give you permission to reveal your tragic backstory in order to reinforce your character.

Unfortunately I don't have much to say about the other characters. Setsu had some semblance of a personality, but it was a very generic "this is the anime best friend" personality. There was no richness to it. And then we get a whole bunch of other names thrown at us, but none of them stick because they're around for 30 seconds before getting tossed aside. A good example is the girl who gets decapitated. Giving her a name without any other build up doesn't do anything for emotional investment. She might as well be "Girl #1". If you want it to have impact, introduce her earlier, and cut some of the other names that just confuse the reader.

To wrap this up, I want to get into the plot of the chapter. Now, the basic premise is solid. Eclipse, cities encased in darkness, weird burnt woman in the sky, so far so dark fantasy. However, the intermediate steps just come off as contrived. A character just happens to have a mother who just happens to have a device sitting on her desk at work that just happens to be able to magically pull super precise information about literally anything out of its ass and that a random highschool kid can just fix it in a second without studying it? Come on, that's one too many leaps in logic. If you want to keep the device, get it out of this chapter, and out it in later, after whatever magically revived Drake gets explained and his real journey towards fixing the world begins.

And that sums up my thoughts I think. Again, I don't want you to think I'm just ragging on you. I see a lot of potential here, but there is a lot to be fixed. Don't give up! It is trial and error and learning that forges great writers. You must be prepared to fail and iterate and fail again. So keep up the good work, and I look forward to your continuing improvement.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF