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Author Topic: The Adventures of Archangel Uriel, God's Archer. (looking for feedback)  (Read 632 times)

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Offline Fortis Scriptor

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So it's been a while since I've done anything with my character Archangel Uriel, so I've decided to do a series of short stories before I get into the story I started more than a year ago, and rewrite the little of it I had done before continuing.   ;D

Hope you like it, and please feel free to give me some feedback, it really helps me out.  :thumbsup:


Spoiler

Field Report 24/06/05, Swiss Guard Section 2962 (Vampire Kill Team) to his Holiness Pope Urban IX

By order of his holiness Arch Bishop Dominic Vollensio, on the morning of June twenty-third the year of our Lord two thousand and five, we conducted a clearing operation of a building on the outskirts of Gorga, Italy, which according to multiple sources of intelligence was the location of the large S-class vampire coven codenamed Hellhound which my team had been tracking for six months.

At 06:30 hours we arrived on location and breached the building.

Upon entering, we found the entirety of the coven as well as a number of civilians dead. The cause of death for the civilians was determined to be blood loss, but each had a postmortem gunshot wound to the head. Cause of death for the vampires was determined to be repeated gunshot wounds, knife and or sword wounds, and a number of arrows tipped with blessed silver and gold. The condition of the bodies suggests they were dispatched with extreme prejudice.

A number of red feathers were also retrieved from the scene.

The only conclusion I can find is that this is the work of an Angel, however, I know not any angel whose wings are red...

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

01:00 Hours 23/06/05, abandoned building, Gorga, Italy.

A speaker in the corner of the coven boomed a cover of the Bee Gee's Stayin' Alive. (This one to be precise, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6SChZmrnvw )

The Vampires feasted upon the two human teenagers who had foolishly followed them back to the coven, lower vampires licking the blood that dripped from their superiors chins.

"To a new home!" The Elder cheered slobbering blood as he tongue kissed a young female next to him.

The others cheered as they drank, and danced to the music.

Suddenly with great force, the front door was knocked off its hinges and sent flying down the hall.

"What the?!" one of the guards cursed.

Out from the shadows of the outside, a man in a white suit strutted in through the broken door.

"A little ironic to be listening to this song wouldn't you say?" The man smirked, "Considering you're already dead..."

The two guards drew pistols on the man, "Who the hell are you?" one of them snarled.

"Oh me?" The mysterious man said stroking his scruffy chin, "I'm just a freelancer for death."

The man suddenly disappeared with a blast of air, a few feathers flying at the two guards' faces.

"Where'd he go?!" a guard said. Just then he heard something bounce off the side of his shoe, it was a frag grenade with a cross carved into it, "Oh Shi--" The grenade went off blasting the two guards feet off and sending their weapons flying.

As quickly as he'd disappeared the man dropped back down through the doorway a pair of chrome pistols in his hands.

"Knock knock assholes!"

He walked into the first room spotting a dozen panicking vampires. The man smiled a big toothy grin laughing with joy, then opened fire.

The Vampires could barely react, those that didn't get dropped in the opening hail of bullets tried to attack or run.

A pair of them rushed with knives in their hands, teeth bared.

With a flash of white light, one of the man's pistols reconstructed itself into a sword before he used it to decapitate one of his attackers. The other went in to bite the man but found himself chewing on the barrel of the man's pistol. The man pulled the trigger painting the wall a greyish pink and red, the vampire's corpse falling flat on his back the last of his brain matter sloshing out the back of his obliterated skull.

The man casually walked through the house humming the tune of the song as he killed every vampire he found.

One rounded a corner as the man went to change magazines, rushing at him with a machete in his hand. The man reached down to the new magazine and with another flash of light pulled out a bullet from the magazine which turned into an arrow, then he jammed it into the vampire's neck before using his sword to decapitate him.

The man finally came to the last door in the house, which led to the basement. He reached down to open it but found it locked. He let in a deep irritated breath before kicking the door down the stairs.

"Some Vampires you are... I thought this was supposed to be a strong coven, apparently... I was mistaken." The man cackled.

"What?! What the hell are you?!" The elder cried holding an old sword in both hands trembling.

The man continued to laugh as wings slowly sprung out of his back the feathers completely red.

"Oh god... You're him... The Redeemed Fallen, The Crimson Winged Angel.... Archangel Uriel!"

"I wouldn't be calling to god if I were you boy." Uriel Hissed picking up the old vampire by the throat. "You shouldn't have robbed my friend, and killed his subordinate you son of a bitch," he snapped the vampire's neck and dropped him to the floor.

"Please! Don't kill us!" The young vampires sobbed.

"Shame, you two are pretty hot..." He muttered unloading his pistols into the two of them.

Uriel knelt in the pool of blood gathering on the floor and howled with laughter convulsing. "I haven't played like this in decades!"

To be continued....

« Last Edit: June 07, 2017, 07:28:41 PM by Fortis Scriptor »

Offline OhGodHelpMe

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What an interesting concept, telling a story from the point of view of an angel, whose job is apparently to eradicate unholy, supernatural beings like Vampires, under orders from the pope, it seems. Though, Uriel sure seems devilishly murderous, even if he's purging the unholy scum from the blessed land of Italy. Does Heaven have psych evaluations for their angels? It might be high time for one of those  :hmm:

You can afford to be more descriptive in just about everything, including the details of the condition of the building. I know it's an abandoned building, so its bound to be dilapidated and dark, but expressing details like the walls being covered in peeling layers of old, lead-scented paint, or moss growing on the floors would probably add to it, maybe. The gore was nice and detailed though, just how I like it  :thumbsup: Uriel's been doing this for a long time, and Christianity has quite a long history. I could easily see him hunting down witches and heretics for the Inquisition or something like that. Or maybe having a low opinion of certain popes who were incompetent. There were plenty of those throughout history.

That sense of history makes Uriel's enjoyment of his slaughter pretty edgy, but in a natural way that makes you want to learn more about him. Not the Shadow the Hedgehog way (Where's that DAMN fourth chaos emerald?!) or (Just like taking candy from a baby, which is fine by me!) Makes you think, angels can fall at any time, can't they? That's how Satan started out, after all.

Anyway, it was a short but interesting read, written cleanly and concisely. Good job  :clapping:

Offline Fortis Scriptor

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Thanks again for reading OGHM, glad you like the concept.

You're on the right track with what Uriel's profession is, but not quite. Sadly heaven doesn't have a great psych program, but Uriel isn't in need of one, his issue is... built it.

In regards to the descriptive stuff, it has always been one of my weak point which I'm doing my best to practice getting better at. Of course, the gore was detailed  :D

Uriel is a very interesting character he has a rather sketchy and bloody past which I'll reveal more as I go through this. You're also on the right track with his view of the Vatican, mostly because he's been around since long before it was a thing.

That is a cool way to view his enjoyment of blood splatter painting and gore sculpting xD.

Thank you once again, OGHM.


Oh yeah, here's part two of the story everybody, please feel free to leave some feedback.
Spoiler

08:45 hours 27/06/05, Azure Moon Bar, Downtown Manhattan, New York City, United States.
 
The fog glided through the decrepit street in Downtown Manhattan the few people walking around avoiding one another with an unspoken respect. No one took notice of the big burly Japanese man in a brand new perfectly clean white suit standing before the dimly lit Azure Moon Bar. The man had a thin goatee and long black hair which he kept in a messy ponytail fashioned in a similar fashion to a ronin. The suit made him seem like a business man, but his build and the way he kept his hair was telling of who he actually was.
 
The man walked to the doorman with a classical proud swagger.
 
“Is he here?” The man asked.
 
The doorman smiled, “He hasn’t come out this door.”
 
“Thank you…” The man replied with a polite bow.
 
The doorman opened the door letting the man in the white suit through into the quiet bar.
 
The room was decorated with flags, a few weapons, framed photographs, and other more typical pub like decor. It was near empty with a couple of patrons passed out sitting at corner tables, and the bartender, a bodacious woman with dark blue hair wearing a fitting black t-shirt, was cleaning glasses while humming the tune of a popular pop song, she had a happy peaceful smile on her face.
 
Her smile faded when she saw the man in the white suit, “What can I do for you this morning sir?”
 
“You know why I’m here… Can you point me in the right direction?” The man replied coldly placing one of his scarred hands on the bar leaning against it shooting the bartender a serious glare.
 
The bartender scoffed, “You know he doesn’t need a babysitter…” The woman gave a lustful smirk in remembrance, “I can assure that.”
 
The man in the white suit flipped a red feather from his suit jacket and reached it out to the bartender showing it to her, “This... renders that argument useless, I’m only acting on an oath.”
 
The woman’s eyes widened in terror.
 
“Room directions, now preferably.” The man returned the feather to his pocket.
 
“Up the stairs third door on the right.” She pointed.
 
“Thank you.” The man growled turning from the bar, he sauntered towards the stairwell.
 
His footfalls struck the hardwood stairs like someone striking a bass drum in a slow methodical beat.
 
As he reached the top of the stairs people had opened their doors looking for the source of the heavy footsteps. A few quickly slammed their doors shut at the sight of him, others looked on in awe.
 
The man reached the door the bartender had directed him to. He reached his large hand down and grabbed the knob trying to open the door, but he found it locked.
 
The man let in a deep irritated breath, letting it out slow with a quiet incantation in an ancient language.
 
The lock on the door clicked. The man opened the door and cautiously entered the room. It was filthy, clothes, and empty containers of various alcoholic beverages of varying sizes were scattered all over. The room smelled of sweat and the scent of vomit was emanating from the small bathroom off to the right.
 
 The man crept towards the bed leaning over Archangel Uriel, and a woman fast asleep.
 
The man reached down to his side where a knife scabbard was fastened to his belt. As he drew the knife he muttered a few words in the ancient language, and the knife drew out as a full-length katana.
 
Holding the sword in one hand at a defensive guard he reached out his hand and shook Uriel by the shoulder.
 
“Archangel, wake up!”
 
Uriel groggily stirred,”What? It’s too early, come back later…” He snored loudly
 
The man relaxed his stance and let out a relieved sigh shaking his head. He reached down again and shook Uriel harder.
 
“Wake up Archangel, it is time to return home.”
 
Uriel squinted his eyes open, “Mushi?” he sat up in bed revealing his stark naked state of dress, “What day is it?”
 
Archangel Uriel’s trusted friend and comrade Miyamoto Musashi let out a quiet chuckle, “It’s the twenty-seventh Archangel,” 
 
“*censored*… It happened again didn’t it.” Uriel winced putting a hand to his forehead. “Last thing I remember doing was agreeing to help Grim out because one of his Reapers was killed investigating soul robbery…”
 
 
Miyamoto’s smile faded back to his usually straight face, “You massacred more than thirty S-Class Vampires taking vengeance for the crime, the Vatican found red feathers at the scene.”
 
“I haven’t had an episode like that in a long time… How’d you find me here anyway Mushi?”
 
 
Miyamoto retrieved a phone from his pocket and swiped to a text screen, it was a selfie Uriel had taken in the room holding up a topless girl his wings still bright red, a caption attached reads ‘AMB fun wit crzy grl up fr anytin.’ “There are more, and this one is the least graphic.” Miyamoto cleared his throat, “Needless to say it was fairly easy from there.”
 
Uriel snickered, “Can I see those?”
 
Miyamoto glared at Uriel, “You sent them to me on your phone Archangel look at them on your own device.”
 
Uriel grinned deviously, “Good point,” He got up from the bed and wandered around the room searching for his phone.
 
“Archangel, please retrieve your things so we may return home.”
 
“Ugh, I guess it’s about time for me to come back for a bit…”
 
“Long overdue Archangel.”
 
Uriel scoffed, “I wouldn’t say that I’m no masochist.”
 
“Is there any need to leave payment for the young lady?” Miyamoto said pointing his thumb in the girl’s direction.
 
Uriel shot Miyamoto a look of offence, “You think I was with a hooker? Low blow Mushi, no she’s a super fun, lightweight, grad student.”
 
“Lightweight?” Miyamoto questioned poking one of the unconscious girl’s large breasts.
 
“With alcohol, Mushi,” Uriel shook his head still offended.
 
“Hmm, So you don’t remember where you’ve been for the past week but you remember the details of the human girl you slept with.”
 
Uriel held up his phone, “I wrote it down,”
 
“Leave it to you to document that…” Miyamoto shook his head. He flipped his sword around and resheathed it back into its hidden state walking towards the door.
 
Uriel shambled around the room picking up his clothes and putting them back on.
 
“Shall we Archangel?” Miyamoto asked gesturing towards the door.
 
Uriel put on his suit jacket, “Yeah, let’s go.”
 
The pair of angels made their way down the stairs and out of the bar. As they passed the bar the bartender had a look of relief on her face to see Uriel alive, to which Uriel responded by giving her a mischievous wink.
 
They stepped out onto the misty street. Uriel took a deep breath of fresh air, “Ah, goodbye New York, I’ll probably be back in a month,” He stretched his arms out, “Well Mushi, let’s go.”
 
Uriel snapped his fingers and with a whirl of feathers, he transformed into a white hawk with red tipped wings.
 
Miyamoto followed suit chanting an incantation, transforming himself into a raven.
 
“Mike is going to be pretty disappointed with you Mushi.” Uriel laughed.
 
“We shall see,” Miyamoto responded.
 
“To heaven, we go.” Uriel sighed flapping his wings.
 
The two of them flew into the air, their trajectory aimed almost straight up.
 
 
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

To be continued...



Offline MahluaandMilk

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The story itself seems pretty solid, so on that regard, I don't have anything to add. I feel like I can see this drawn out in the art style of Hellsing, but that might just be because I associate that style with more seinen supernatural hunting type genres. I have to also say that it's interesting to see an angel hunting vampires, since in my time I've seen vampires hunting vampires, half-demons hunting demons, witches hunting angles, and the closest I can think of to an angelic fighter is Nanael from Queen's Blade, and I don't think that counts, although I see some cheeky similarities, especially since Uriel seems to be an angel with some flaws.

Now, as for structure, forgive me if I go into technical jargon.
I notice that you seem to have a heavy reliance on prepositional phrases to the point of overusing them. For example, in the first chapter, there's "Out from the shadows of the outside", and other similar clunky phrases around. It distracts from the writing, so in the next line of drafts, I'd try removing as many prepositional phrases as possible, especially in moments where things are supposed to be tense or fast-paced. They're fine for description, and you're certainly free to expand your writing as much as you'd like, but be careful to not overdo it, which is easy to do. As the reader reads, you as the writer want to make sure that they get the necessary information down, and too many prepositional phrases can distract from the subject, and by the end of a sentence, sometimes I couldn't remember exactly who was supposed to have been doing what.

On the note of sentences, outside of prepositional phrases, I noticed multiple comma and punctuation errors of a similar type. It looks like you're not quite sure of the exact rules regarding independent, subordinate, and relative clauses, which, to be fair, is one of the pitfalls of most novice authors. If those terms made your head explode, it's probably a good idea to look them up on some grammar sites and do a few exercises with them. Basically, commas are both underused and overused. Sometimes, I saw two independent clauses with no punctuation between them. The first sentence of chapter two is an example, albeit with an improperly punctuated subordinate clause: "The fog glided through the decrepit street in Downtown Manhattan the few people walking around avoiding one another with an unspoken respect." Here we have the two subjects, "the fog" and "the people", and their predicates, "glided", "walking", and "avoiding". You'll also see three prepositional phrases, but that's not an issue in this segment. Here, at least, the comma use for the subordinate clause was correct because the subject of the second half is still "the people". Now, you could make this into one sentence by subordinating the second half by saying something like "...in Downtown Manhattan, with a few people...", and with that you wouldn't have to change the conjugation of the verbs. However, it may flow better and work better to separate them into two sentences, such as "...in Downtown Manhattan. The few people walked, avoiding..." You'll notice in my example I removed the word "around", because it doesn't actually provide any useful information. My friend, a published author, once advised me to avoid vague words like "around", "about", "something", and so on. After going through my own drafts and trying it for myself, I'm inclined to agree with her that it helps with staying on point.

I hope this helps, and feel free to ask if I worded something in a way you don't understand. After studying this kind of stuff in Creative Writing and Applied Grammar courses at the 3000 level, I totally understand that I probably sounds like a god-awful grammar textbook.

There are a few other things that I see that could be improved, but I'll leave you with just this for now, because I know it's a lot, and these seem to be your biggest issues. If you can get those prepositional phrases, subordinate clauses, relative clauses, and punctuation rules down, you'll probably find your overall writing skill leveled up six or so levels.

Happy writing.
« Last Edit: June 27, 2017, 05:50:25 PM by MahluaandMilk »

Offline S8N

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Field Report 24/06/05, Swiss Guard Section 2962 (Vampire Kill Team) to his Holiness Pope Urban IX

By order of his holiness Archbishop Dominic Vollensio, on the morning of June twenty-third the year of our Lord two thousand and five, we conducted a clearing operation of a building on the outskirts of Gorga, Italy, which according to multiple sources of intelligence was the location of the large S-class vampire coven codenamed Hellhound which I'd use "that" or "whom". The word "which" is more fit to be addressing objects, rather than a person or group. my team had been tracking for six months.

At 06:30 hours we arrived on location and breached the building.

Upon entering, we found the entirety of the coven as well as a number of civilians dead. The cause of death for the civilians was determined to be blood loss, but each had a postmortem gunshot wound to the head. Cause of death for the vampires was determined to be repeated gunshot wounds, knife and or sword wounds, and a number of arrows tipped with blessed silver and gold. The condition of the bodies suggests they were dispatched with extreme prejudice.

A number of red feathers were also retrieved from the scene.

The only conclusion I can find is that this is the work of an Angel, however, I know not any angel whose wings are red...

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

01:00 Hours 23/06/05, abandoned building, Gorga, Italy.

A speaker in the corner of the coven boomed a cover of the Bee Gee's Stayin' Alive. (This one to be precise, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6SChZmrnvw )

The vampires feasted upon the two human teenagers who had foolishly followed them back to the coven; the lower vampires licking the blood that dripped from their superiors chins.

"To a new home!" The elder cheered, slobbering blood as he tongue kissed a young female next to him.

The others cheered as they drank, and danced to the music.

Suddenly with great force, the front door was knocked off its hinges and sent flying down the hall.

"What the?!" one of the guards cursed.

Out from the shadows of the outside, a man in a white suit strutted in through the broken door.

"A little ironic to be listening to this song wouldn't you say?" The man smirked, "considering you're already dead..."

The two guards drew pistols on the man. "Who the hell are you?" one of them snarled.

"Oh me?" The mysterious man said stroking his scruffy chin, "I'm just a freelancer for death."

The man suddenly disappeared with a blast of air, a few feathers flying at the two guards' faces.

"Where'd he go?!" a guard said To up the drama a bit, you might want to replace "said". Not that it doesn't work, but would contribute more to the scene.. Just then he heard something bounce off the side of his shoe; it was a frag grenade with a cross carved into it ."Oh Shi--" The grenade went off blasting the two guards feet off and sending their weapons flying.

As quickly as he'd disappeared the man dropped back down through the doorway a pair of chrome pistols in his hands.

"Knock knock, assholes!"

He walked into the first room spotting a dozen panicking vampires. The man smiled a big toothy grin, laughing with joy, then "before" and "and" could be a smoother substitute. opened fire.

The vampires could barely react, those that didn't get dropped in the opening hail of bullets tried to attack or run.

A pair of them rushed "in?" Grammatically, the sentence is correct, but the direction is ambiguous. with knives in their hands, teeth bared.

With a flash of white light, one of the man's pistols reconstructed itself into a sword before he used it to decapitate one of his attackers. The other went in to bite the man, but found himself chewing on the barrel of the man's pistol. The man pulled the trigger, painting the wall a greyish pink and red, the vampire's corpse falling flat on his back the last of his brain matter sloshing out the back of his obliterated skull. Grammar inconsistency here. There are numerous ways to approach this. Try reading it out loud. I would do:

The man pulled the trigger, painting the wall a greyish pink and red; the vampire's corpse fellflat on his back, the last of his brain matter sloshing out the back of his obliterated skull.


The man casually walked through the house humming the tune of the song as he killed every vampire he found.

One rounded a corner as the man went to change magazines, rushing at him with a machete in his hand. The man reached down to the new magazine, and with another flash of light, pulled out a bullet from the magazine which turned into an arrow, then he jammed it into the vampire's neck before using his sword to decapitate him.  Same thing here:

an arrow, which he jammed into the vampire's neck before using his sword to decapitate him.

The man finally came to I would use "arrived at". Simple detail, could sound a lot better. the last door in the house, which led to the basement. He reached down to open it but found it locked. He let in a deep irritated breath Here, "sigh" brings out the scene more. It is the most direct and vivid way for the reader to picture your character. before kicking the door down the stairs.

"Some vampires you are... I thought This was supposed to be a strong coven, apparently The phrases "I thought" and "apparently" are conflicting... I was mistaken." The man cackled.

"What?! What the hell are you?!" The elder cried holding an old sword in, both hands trembling.

The man continued to laugh as wings slowly sprung out of his back, the "its"
 might be better here. Up to you.
feathers completely red.

"Oh god... You're him... The Redeemed Fallen, The Crimson Winged Angel.... Archangel Uriel!"

"I wouldn't be calling to god if I were you, boy." Uriel hissed, picking up the old vampire by the throat. "You shouldn't have robbed my friend, and killed his subordinate, you son of a bitch". He snapped the vampire's neck and dropped him to the floor.

"Please! Don't kill us!" The young vampires sobbed. I was momentarily confused of who these vampires were. They are the two females that the elder was hitting on. Maybe add more to the dialogue so the reader recalls this?

"Shame, you two are pretty hot..." he muttered, unloading his pistols into the two of them.

Uriel knelt in the pool of blood gathering on the floor and howled with laughter, convulsing. "I haven't played like this in decades!"

To be continued....

Starting off, I loved the story. This is sort of the action sequence I loved to read as a kid, and still do. It reminds me of Department 19, which was also a vampire series-- riddled with blood and gore.

I done a full grammar run through of your story. I may have missed some parts, but I'm sure somebody (or you) will come across it, in due time. You need to be wary of capitalization consistency, as well as a few technical issues here and there. Try reading it out loud; it helps a lot.

TL;DR
Thanks for the read. I included my tips ;)
« Last Edit: July 01, 2017, 03:37:30 PM by S8N »
~~~
S8N

Offline Fortis Scriptor

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Thank you very much for reading and giving me feedback Mahlua and S8N. The constructive feedback helps me immensely, now I know, at least with this piece exactly where my flaws are grammar wise (It has been my arch nemesis for a long time.)

Also to S8N I'm glad you enjoyed the story.  :thumbsup:

Offline Action Animation

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Re: The Adventures of Archangel Uriel, God's Archer. (looking for feedback)
« Reply #6 on: February 04, 2018, 03:00:50 AM »
still looking for a review Fortis?^^
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Offline Fortis Scriptor

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Re: The Adventures of Archangel Uriel, God's Archer. (looking for feedback)
« Reply #7 on: February 04, 2018, 03:02:08 AM »
Ah, its been quite a while since I worked on this story, but if you'd like to look at one of my various other stories I've posted over the past couple years on the forum I'd be happy to have them. My most recent piece is a fanfiction that I just put a prologue for. In general a review would be nice.