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Author Topic: BLOODLINE - Discussion  (Read 652 times)

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Offline PhoenixFireFlower

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BLOODLINE - Discussion
« on: May 11, 2017, 07:30:42 AM »
Feel free to say anything about my story.

Thank you so much for reading my story~
Writing is LOVE, Writing is LIFE

Offline GreenTrap

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Re: BLOODLINE - Discussion
« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2017, 08:35:30 AM »
I had a read through chapter 1, though I haven't read the summary as I like getting to the meat of things but here are some thoughts:


-It appears that Sakuya is cynical in her outlook on the world. Her lack of emotion in some scenes is somewhat fresh in that it makes her stand out from the people around her and allows a fresh perspective on the typical Japanese School story.

-I think the way the world has been set up so far has the typical transfer student routine; the introduction, eating alone, shows talent in a particular subject and gets a rival for doing so. This isn't a criticism though, as this is the perfect set up for future subversion if you have any planned. Taking this typical setting and turning it on it's head can sometimes be more surprising and engaging than a unique setting played straight.
"Just as we crossed paths, an electric shock went through my body and I felt on my knees holding my left eye." From my reading of this, it seems there might be fantasy elements introduced later on. That shock came out of nowhere but most likely has a reason for it. I'll be interested to see where it goes.

-When writing a story in first person, it can be difficult to not overuse 'I' and 'My'. A good rule of thumb is to use it when the sentence subject is the fact of your opinion, and try not to use it when another subject takes lead;

"As I walked in, I could hear murmur among the boys. I stood one foot away from the teacher and faced the other students."
The focus in this scene is the classroom and the people in it. So another way of writing this would be;
"Upon entering the room, the muttering of the boys filled the space. Ignoring this I positioned myself ready to make an introduction."

"Putting on my shoes, I head out of my apartment and head for my new life in a new place." You either want to cut down the use of 'My' in this sentence or lengthen it;
"After putting on my shoes I left the apartment, looking forward to the new life ahead of me."
Or
"After putting on my shoes, which were purchased recently for the start of the school term, I left my apartment in punctual fashion. There were doubts lingering in the back of my head about what this new environment had in store for me."

However, it could also be that your changing your setting quickly, going from one event to another every few paragraphs. Elaborating on the world around the protagonist allows for more audience-investment in those scenes.



There is a feeling that this story is building up to something, which means you're writing something good. These are just my initial thoughts though, I hope my feedback is useful to you.

Offline PhoenixFireFlower

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Re: BLOODLINE - Discussion
« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2017, 08:40:35 AM »
I had a read through chapter 1, though I haven't read the summary as I like getting to the meat of things but here are some thoughts:


-It appears that Sakuya is cynical in her outlook on the world. Her lack of emotion in some scenes is somewhat fresh in that it makes her stand out from the people around her and allows a fresh perspective on the typical Japanese School story.

-I think the way the world has been set up so far has the typical transfer student routine; the introduction, eating alone, shows talent in a particular subject and gets a rival for doing so. This isn't a criticism though, as this is the perfect set up for future subversion if you have any planned. Taking this typical setting and turning it on it's head can sometimes be more surprising and engaging than a unique setting played straight.
"Just as we crossed paths, an electric shock went through my body and I felt on my knees holding my left eye." From my reading of this, it seems there might be fantasy elements introduced later on. That shock came out of nowhere but most likely has a reason for it. I'll be interested to see where it goes.

-When writing a story in first person, it can be difficult to not overuse 'I' and 'My'. A good rule of thumb is to use it when the sentence subject is the fact of your opinion, and try not to use it when another subject takes lead;

"As I walked in, I could hear murmur among the boys. I stood one foot away from the teacher and faced the other students."
The focus in this scene is the classroom and the people in it. So another way of writing this would be;
"Upon entering the room, the muttering of the boys filled the space. Ignoring this I positioned myself ready to make an introduction."

"Putting on my shoes, I head out of my apartment and head for my new life in a new place." You either want to cut down the use of 'My' in this sentence or lengthen it;
"After putting on my shoes I left the apartment, looking forward to the new life ahead of me."
Or
"After putting on my shoes, which were purchased recently for the start of the school term, I left my apartment in punctual fashion. There were doubts lingering in the back of my head about what this new environment had in store for me."

However, it could also be that your changing your setting quickly, going from one event to another every few paragraphs. Elaborating on the world around the protagonist allows for more audience-investment in those scenes.



There is a feeling that this story is building up to something, which means you're writing something good. These are just my initial thoughts though, I hope my feedback is useful to you.

Thank you a lot for your feedback, it means so much to me. I will take your advice and correct my mistakes in my future writings.
Writing is LOVE, Writing is LIFE