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Author Topic: An explanation... (I'm back, but different)  (Read 685 times)

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Offline MissChurro

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An explanation... (I'm back, but different)
« on: April 29, 2017, 10:44:10 PM »
Hello, everyone! Long time, no see.

First of all, I’d like to apologize for my disappearance. I know I’ve disappeared multiple times in the past, but this was by far my longest time away from the site. Second of all, as a moderator and someone who swore to stay active and committed to this place, I think I owe it to you guys to finally explain why I keep vanishing like this. It’s not going to be a very fun post, and it’s certainly not going to be very kawaii of me, but it’s something I definitely need to get off my chest and feel like you guys should know as well.

I don’t really know how to say it, so I’ll get straight to the point: the Churro you know isn’t me, she’s a persona I play. I’m not lying about my identity or anything of course, I really am an 18-year-old girl who loves cute animals and all things pink, but I guess you could say that Churro is somewhat of a fake fantasy version of myself or who I would rather be. She’s bright, she’s confident, and she’s happy.  Then there’s the real Churro. When I was 9 years old, I developed a debilitating panic disorder that kept me from even leaving the house other than out of necessity. I didn’t sleep, I could barely eat, and I repeatedly indulged in dangerous behaviors such as washing my hands until they bled because I could never feel clean enough until I no longer had skin. When I was about 13, I had finally fully overcome the disorder and never had another panic attack. But that wasn’t the end. As soon as I overcame the panic disorder, I slipped into an emotionally numbing depression. I haven’t gotten any better.  I’m not even sad, I’m just numb to the world. It’s kind of scary, actually, because it’s getting to the point where I can’t even cling onto memories of what emotions were like. It’s fading away, and my fear is that one day I won’t remember what feelings were like at all or even remember that I ever could feel them.

The mental disorders, of course, are worsened by the physical ones. I have chronic pain, a permanent spinal malformation, chronic fatigue, a sleep disruption in my nasal, and chronic memory loss. Not to mention the dyscalculia (dyslexia but with numbers/math). Though I’m legally disabled, since I can (even with pain) still work like an abled person, I’m disregarded and ignored when I need accommodation for my problems. That sucks. Also, people think my memory loss and dyscalculia = stupidity. I’ll be honest, I’m not the brightest bulb in the box, but I’m no idiot. I have an IQ in the 140s, I’ve had a college-level education of English and grammar since I was in middle school, and I’ve had people I barely know go out of their way to tell me that I’m one of the wisest young adults they’ve ever met. I know this sounds like I’m tooting my own horn, but I don’t actually believe I’m all that smart (and definitely not that wise lol), I just don’t think I’m dumb because I can’t remember what you told me five minutes ago or I take longer than average to work out a simple math problem, and I think those are all good examples of why I don’t think I’m all that dull. Okay--I strayed off topic here. The point is that, even in adulthood, I get bullied a lot for being “slow/thick-skulled” (or, as my grandmother likes to say, “a dimbrain who should get married now while you’re still pretty, because you won’t be able to get into college.” Thanks, grandma.) and that just adds to the whole mess of why I’m just not a very happy or confident person.

What does any of this have to do with disappearing from MR? It’s like this: Churro is the me I want to be, and over all of my time here I’ve obsessed over keeping her perfect and not letting my real self slip through the cracks in that pink-haired, purple-eyed mask. That, in my already difficult life, is a very daunting task to keep up. Going online and carefully orchestrating messages so that you seem happier, smarter, more confident, and better than you really are is not something I could keep up with when I was having my bad episodes. When my chronic illnesses flared up or when I could barely get myself up out of bed because I just didn’t see the point in just repeating motions every day, putting on a mask and playing Churro is the last thing I wanted to do. And those days have been becoming more and more frequent. Adulthood has been hitting me hard, my parents have gotten divorced, my friends are having a hard time putting up with my mental and physical slips and leaving one by one, have been trying to get into college while fighting the voices playing through my head telling me I'm too stupid and wasting my time, and have been struggling through an abusive job and the stress of job-hunting for a better one that will actually compensate for my disabilities and, you know, pay me.

It was all too much, and my energy for Churro was at 0%. It still is… so, I’m back. But I’m putting my mask away. I’m sorry to everyone who has high expectations for me to be the Churro you’ve known, but all I want is to be able to come back to the site I love and actually be able to enjoy it instead of drain my energy on a façade.

Thank you to everyone who reads this whole thing, and thank you even more to everyone who’s still going to stick by me even if I might seem different now. I'm glad to be back, and relieved to have finally allowed myself to stop pretending.

Sincerely,
Churro (the real one this time)

Offline Forlorn Serpent

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Re: An explanation... (I'm back, but different)
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2017, 10:56:45 PM »

I'll sum up everything with this.


Offline BobbyJoeXForgotenSB

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Re: An explanation... (I'm back, but different)
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2017, 12:48:10 AM »
i'll just say this, i never really met you when you were online but i'm not a person to judge, i know everyone has their problems. i have problems, i have Autism, i also have anxiety issues which cause me to get angry easily, i never grew out of my Oppositional Defiant Disorder and i hear in adult hood it gets worse. i suffer from chronic depression and it is causing me to gain weight but i believe anyone with a mental problem isnt any different than anyone else.

 i could have went to college but i figured it was a huge hassle, found out a lot of the special students i went to highschool with either have well paying jobs or are in college (and some are the ones who are unable to speak), i instead still wanted to be a cartoonist, so here i am XD. the point that im getting at, i kinda lost it. i think the point is that you will probably be happier being yourself, less of a stress to put on a face everyday, and if you want to call what you have a mental disability, it doesnt change anything either, somedays you dont want to be friendly, some days you might need some help, and no matter how you look at it, people will be there to help, atleast we'll be.

anyway, i kinda rambled on, i tend to do that, anyway, Hi Churro.

Offline Fortis Scriptor

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Re: An explanation... (I'm back, but different)
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2017, 01:02:55 AM »
Welcome back Churro,  ;D I look forward to seeing you more on the forum. Also, hi I'm Fortis a novice writer who came on here about a year ago  :D

Offline legomaestro

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Re: An explanation... (I'm back, but different)
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2017, 03:07:39 AM »
We all wear masks in one way or another, Churro, it's how people fit into the world. And fear can be a motivating factor, yes, but at some point you have to put in effort to keep it going, which means despite your impossible situation you tried, and that's one of the things that does already match with my opinion that you're wise as well.

For what it's worth, I still have that summer picture of yours on my table, because it does bring colour to my day if only a little sometimes. However much of a facade the queen of kaaii is, there are some real workings she had on my day.

You have no obligation to be something you don't want to be, and we'd never ask that of you.

Sorry to hear about your situation, for what its's worth I prayed for you.

Also, your grandmother is... Interesting? I don't think I know what to say to that quote.

Offline Coryn

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Re: An explanation... (I'm back, but different)
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2017, 09:28:57 AM »
Hi there Churro. I'm happy to see you here again. Really I am.

I'm also glad that you can just be yourself. You shouldn't have to be a character. This site isn't just some forum, not just some place like all the others. I'm not being facetious when I say that people here are like family to me. And I think that's true for a lot of us.

And even though you wore a mask, the person who you are was still evident. We like you for the person you are, not for the superficial trappings.

And, look I know I usually come off as sarcastic and that I'm not really good at this kinda thing. But believe me, from the bottom of my heart; I do love you. And I believe that's true for most of us. So please, be yourself. Live honestly, no matter what anyone says.

I'm here for you. We're here for you. Till the bitter, bloody end.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline Carshald

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Re: An explanation... (I'm back, but different)
« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2017, 10:38:00 AM »
As Lego said, "We all wear mask in one way or another". Personally I believe he's right, but we all do it for different reasons. May it be because we're afraid to get hurt by others or because we're not ready to reveal our true selfs to the world. We all have our reasons, but when we do decide to take our masks, i believe that it's a sign of personal growth and maturity. If you're a Moderator for a forum, a stage technician working at the local music scene or a game designer... no matter what you are, life can sometimes be overwhelming. If you become overwhelmed and decide to withdraw yourself, you shouldn't feel guilty because that's just how life is sometimes. Normally when I have conversations like this, I always like to use butterflies as an example (because i'm an emotionalist and romantic at heart).

"If you come out on top whenever life overwhelms you, don't feel bad or guilty over withdrawing yourself from work, hobbies or other activities. What matters is that you're focusing on yourself and nurtering yourself and your wounds, and allow yourself to grow from whatever trials or struggles you went through". Thought i'd share these words with you, that my shrink shared with me... and with that... Welcome back! ;D
"In every story the Villains are the monsters, but in this story, I'm the true monster".
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Offline MissChurro

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Re: An explanation... (I'm back, but different)
« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2017, 10:40:39 AM »
You guys are literally the best. You're all some of the most kind-hearted people I know, and that's why I'm glad I decided to be honest and come back. Heck, just the fact that you've gone out of your way (even if it's not easy) to remind me that I have a family who loves me here and that I mean something to people has already reminded me that there's still hope for getting better, and even if I don't get better, there'll still be people who'll stick by anyway. As someone who has a small group of people who'd actually do that for me, that genuinely means the world to me. It also gives me motivation to keep going, because if I actually make people here happy, I don't want to stop doing that. Thank you all so much. :heart:

Also, your grandmother is... Interesting? I don't think I know what to say to that quote.

Yeah, she's a... real character. ::) To make it funnier, she looks exactly like the witch in Howl's Moving Castle. Some other favorite quotes/conversations of hers include:

Me: "Grandma, I'm not getting married yet. I'm focusing on my education and career for now, and if I'm meant to meet someone along the way, then I will."
Grandma: "That's dumb. You won't need a career when you're married, you'll be a wife."

"Stop eating like that. Men won't like you if you have a tummy." (She weighs over 300 pounds. Okay, grandma.)

"You look like a slut." (I was wearing a dress that went down to my knees, and a sweater over it so my shoulders weren't even showing. :hmm:)

Grandma: "You got a lizard? Your mom let you?"
Me: "I'm an adult, I can do what I want...?"
Grandma: "You're not an adult, someone like you will never be an adult."

Yeah, safe to say I don't talk to her much if I can avoid it. :sure:

Offline Manimal Claus

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Re: An explanation... (I'm back, but different)
« Reply #8 on: April 30, 2017, 11:08:41 AM »
Right on Churro. It's just as Coryn said, we like ya because you're you, and you has always come off as a genuinely nice person. You can't fake that. I fall flat on my face with things like this so I don't have a lot to say other then it's nice to see you back and ya, don't worry 'bout trying to be someone you're not. It's all cool!
« Last Edit: April 30, 2017, 11:10:48 AM by Manimal »

Offline BobbyJoeXForgotenSB

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Re: An explanation... (I'm back, but different)
« Reply #9 on: April 30, 2017, 11:14:09 AM »

Grandma: "You're not an adult, someone like you will never be an adult."


i thought my grandmother was a bitter, nasty woman but she would never say any of that to her grandkids, it actually made me appreciate her more

but yeah it sounds like shes stuck in the 1940s... dont let her bring you down

Offline MahluaandMilk

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Re: An explanation... (I'm back, but different)
« Reply #10 on: April 30, 2017, 03:58:25 PM »
We may have not interacted much, but I believe everyone can understand that feeling of wearing a mask, especially in online communities. If anything, I respect you more for coming forward now after having had it for so long. Life is hard enough to begin with, and on top of that, you have a few more obstacles than the average person (on a conservative estimate). You're still human, and always have been. Thank you for putting yourself in such a vulnerable position to explain these things to us, even though we weren't entitled to it.
"My manner of thinking, so you say, cannot be approved. Do you suppose I care? A poor fool indeed is he who adopts a manner of thinking for others!"--Marquis de Sade
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Offline legomaestro

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Re: An explanation... (I'm back, but different)
« Reply #11 on: April 30, 2017, 05:19:57 PM »
@ Churro Geh... I thought it couldn't get worse but nope. I'd rage quit even replying to someone like that, just no dammit, no.

Anyways we're here for you whenever you need it.

Offline Hasith

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Re: An explanation... (I'm back, but different)
« Reply #12 on: May 04, 2017, 09:53:11 AM »
Sounds more like Corys Granny. It's hard to believe some of them are like that.

I don't think trying to be someone else never work for anyone. It's more like wearing heavy uncomfortable boots. Always have to worry about what others think and the fact that they like this person who is not real and wouldn't like the real person. I had few friends who are like that, had this problem but sadly wouldn't listen.

But again none of us here show 100% real person who we are. We all have our own problems in real life and it's not a always happy life. I think MR has become a part of all our regular members lives no matter where you are from or who you are. The moment you step into MR it's a different world and none of those real world stuff do count.  We all have a unique identity here, for MR Coryn is Coryn to us I don't think to many here do know him as Matt. He always will be Coryn. Same goes for everyone else Lego will be Lego etc.

So you will be Churro here in MR, just like you always have been and nothing gonna change. It's already a part of you and the forum. All you have to do is be free in this identity. Be who you are but also who you want to be.

We have a strange bunch here and you are already part of it.   :ninja:
« Last Edit: May 04, 2017, 09:55:06 AM by Hasith »

Offline Kiwiavenger

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Re: An explanation... (I'm back, but different)
« Reply #13 on: May 05, 2017, 09:37:19 AM »
Hi MissChurro

I've not been around long but looking at the replies you have built a great family here on the forums (one i hope to become a proper part of)  and one that will support you no matter what.

Dealing with issues surrounding mental health (and physical health) are hard enough when you have a support network, i thoroughly commend you for opening up about it and I'm sure if there's any way myself or any other members can help you we'll all be there to help you.

Offline Robin Ryuu

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Re: An explanation... (I'm back, but different)
« Reply #14 on: May 07, 2017, 10:11:20 PM »
Welcome back Churro!

Tbh, I thought it was a little hard to approach you before since it seemed like we were totally different, but now I see that we're actually more similar. XD

Looking forward to doing more tearoom podcasts if you're up for it sometime. ^^