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Author Topic: INDENT - Discussion  (Read 964 times)

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Offline Echo_River

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INDENT - Discussion
« on: April 07, 2017, 04:24:43 PM »
INDENT

Comments and critique for my story, INDENT, can be put here.

I'll also be adding character info and story concepts here as the story moves on.



Links to chapters:

Chapter 1 - Puncture

Chapter 2 - Fissure

Chapter 3 - Crevice



Characters so far:

Chapter One:

Ira Leander Corner
- 21 y.o.
- Cafe Employee

Spoiler

Amie
- 21 y.o.
- Cafe Employee
- Has known Ira since Grade 8

Spoiler

Mr. Richley
- Manager of Corner Intersection Cafe
- Was friends with Ira's parents
- Raised Ira after Ira's parents died.

Team

"Lapis" - Man that wields a sword.
"Quartz" - Lean woman who uses knives.
"Em" - Teenage boy.
"Amy" - Teenage girl that uses a pair of pistols.
"Jasper" - A male individual that controls a drone and gives instructions to the team.

« Last Edit: July 28, 2017, 05:32:09 PM by Echo_River »
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Offline ToxicWaste97

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Re: INDENT - Discussion
« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2017, 10:32:26 PM »
Well, after reading this, I'd be very interested to see where it's going. Nice job!

Spoiler
Would like to see pics of the other characters though... but I'm sure you'll add them when you make them.

Offline Echo_River

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Re: INDENT - Discussion
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2017, 03:29:37 PM »
Thank for you taking the time to read it XD

I'm working on the next few chapters currently. I hope to post Chapter 2 soon.

Spoiler
Definitely something I want to get at as well. I don't actually know what they all look like. XD
No one is perfect . . . that's why there's erasers and extra paper.

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Offline Echo_River

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Re: INDENT - Discussion
« Reply #3 on: April 19, 2017, 11:50:46 AM »
Chapter Two:

Kruos Association --

An undercover government-employed organization that specializes in exterminating monsters in the city, or so "Jasper" claims. Its members all carry an energized crystal, which is the only known method kill the monsters.

Characters so far:

Ira Leander Corner
- 21 y.o.
- Cafe Employee. Works the afternoon shift.

Amie
- 21 y.o.
- Cafe Employee. Works the day shift.

Mr. Richley

"Jasper" (drone)
- An individual that possesses a small "drone" capable of:
- Hovering
- Flying at high altitudes and speeds
- Transporting light objects
- Giving light electric shocks
- Burning holes with a laser of some sort.

Ira's Parents
- Mr. Richley, a man with low artistic skills but who had knowledge about monsters.
- Mrs. Richley, a cheerful woman. Also had knowledge about monsters.

Teenager
- A stranger that shows up at Ira's work to demand that Ira join "them".
- Seems oddly earnest about the exterminating monster business.
- Has black hair and green eyes.



Edit:

Before I decided to put in the monster in Chapter 1, I had sketched out a concept of what a monster might look like in INDENT.

... it's more of a monstrosity than anything lol.

Spoiler




« Last Edit: July 28, 2017, 06:08:11 PM by Echo_River »
No one is perfect . . . that's why there's erasers and extra paper.

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Offline GreenTrap

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Re: INDENT - Discussion
« Reply #4 on: May 01, 2017, 06:58:17 PM »
I went through the four sections of your story, here are some thoughts:
-Personally, the beginning reminded me of the chorus to Science/Visions by CHVRCHES. Just a personal note I wanted to make.

-Is this in a script format for a comic? I've never seen that before. It looks like you know how to use it effectively. Good job on that.

-I'm not sure if I overlooked it but why did Ira think he murdered those people?

-I like the use of question marks for the characters in the second scene. You've acknowledged the audience don't know the names of these people until it's revealed in dialogue. It's a small thing but many people get this so wrong.

-As a writer, I think your dialogue is solid. As a story teller, I think it's really effective how you swap between exposition and information with Ira, then action with those four operatives. It flows really well when read all the way through.

-I saw the murders mentioned in the news, which were probably caused by the creatures. I felt however that showing them fight and defeat someone would highlight their deadliness more, especially if it was one of the operatives. It would heighten the tense build up in the beginning of the fight between Ira and hole puncher.

-You have an Amy and an Amie, I'd avoid using similar names as it can create confusion.

Otherwise, it was a well structured piece with good pacing and exposition of the world. It reminds me slightly of Darker Than Black, but I feel you're more going for a more Torchwood vibe. Good job on this, I'll read chapter 2 when I have time.

Offline Echo_River

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Re: INDENT - Discussion
« Reply #5 on: July 28, 2017, 05:02:01 PM »
@GreenBeverage

Thanks for reading! I really appreciate it. Sorry for the late reply too, I had issues writing the 3rd Chapter.

Quote
-Personally, the beginning reminded me of the chorus to Science/Visions by CHVRCHES. Just a personal note I wanted to make.
- Looked it up. I like the vibe of the song. Does feel fitting. Thanks for sharing.

Quote
-Is this in a script format for a comic? I've never seen that before. It looks like you know how to use it effectively. Good job on that.
- It's a script format I came up with for my writing. I tried to cater it so that it could be either for a comic, or if I wanted to, convert it to a more prose format.

Quote
-I'm not sure if I overlooked it but why did Ira think he murdered those people?
- ...good question. I might've put that in because Ira's ability does deal heavy damage to monsters, but know I remember his ability does affect people. Thanks for the catch.

Quote
-I saw the murders mentioned in the news, which were probably caused by the creatures. I felt however that showing them fight and defeat someone would highlight their deadliness more, especially if it was one of the operatives. It would heighten the tense build up in the beginning of the fight between Ira and hole puncher.
- That makes sense. I hadn't thought of that, but I'll see to incorporating it into the chapter.

Quote
-You have an Amy and an Amie, I'd avoid using similar names as it can create confusion.
- There's a reason for that, which will be revealed in Chapter 3. If it causes confusion though, do you have a suggestion that could help make it less confusing? Amy is short for Amethyst, but the reader isn't made aware of that until later.

Thanks again for the feedback.
No one is perfect . . . that's why there's erasers and extra paper.

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Offline GreenTrap

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Re: INDENT - Discussion
« Reply #6 on: July 28, 2017, 05:59:39 PM »
Haha, do not worry  :ninja: I'm glad my feedback made sense. It's a good series, and I look forward to reading chapter 3 with some more feedback. Otherwise I've got some more points to add...

-With the name thing, if you followed a Watsonian mindset then you can simply say that having two similar sounding names isn't unrealistic. I had four men called Thomas in my classes, because it's a common name. Same with Amy. But from a Doylist perspective... just say it's the readers problem, not yours XD

-I think there's a particular strength with the script format you're using that is enhanced with your formal formatting of it. It reminds me of scripts we used to get given during Improv-Film Studies, that when acted out we can put our own interpretation on the text. So when I read your script, this scene in particular...

Ira(thoughts): Oh yeah, Amie is back.  Looks like I won't have to go in today!
Scene - With a happy face, Ira goes back towards his bed.

...I imagine him giggling evilly as he rolls up like a caterpillar, a goofy expression on his face. Yet someone can imagine something different yet equally funny, and still we get the idea of this character and his small moment. This script format with not so much over-detail allows a readers imagination to fill in those gaps. Their own interpretation goes along with the story!
But yeah, I blagged too much on that point...

Anyways, I'll go and digest chapter 3 and maybe say some more things  :ninja: Keep working hard!