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Author Topic: Forged In The Flames  (Read 3468 times)

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Offline Aozora

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Forged In The Flames
« on: November 09, 2016, 03:13:16 AM »
FORGED IN THE FLAMES

STORY PROGRESS:
Chapter 1


SYNOPSIS:
Long before recorded history was the time of the Barons, powerful men who led nomadic groups of warriors known as factions. These factions battle to the death in their conquest of power and control over the lands. Shahm, a 15 year old boy, raised in a farmers' tribe has no experience in battle. Yet he somehow lands himself into a respectable faction by the name of the Order of the White Hawk, led by the Lord Baron Ogus Stanza. His job is simple: act as a shield to the Baron's grandson, Vers Stanza. This historical fantasy follows the adventures of Shahm, as he tries to prove himself a true warrior in a cruel and cut-throat world full of mythical beasts, mystical weapons, and supernatural warriors!





NON-ESSENTIAL MATERIAL:

Character List
Shahm

Vers Stanza

Morticus "Mort" Randol

Ogus Stanza
NOTE: List will be updated as characters are revealed. Descriptions to be added soon

History
Ancient history speaks of a time when man once lived amongst beasts and creatures of mythical proportions. All trembled, however, before the awesome might of the great dragons. It was then, perhaps by divine intervention, that man discovered weapons of unimaginable power, which could only be unlocked by those chosen wielders. Such power was used to fell many a vicious beast or bring into submission, but was no match against the almighty dragons. Until finally, three brothers combined their strength to slay the Emperor Dragon. In accordance to lore, they consumed the blood of the fallen behemoth and attained immeasurable power, comparable to that of demigods. Power capable of taming even the dragons. With none who could dare oppose them, declare themselves as the world’s rulers they did and divided the land in three. The most loyal and deserving of subjects were rewarded with this power, and like this, the power was distributed until each brother had an army of Dragon Lords. Conflict amongst the brothers begot violence and the armies clashed, engulfing the world in a catastrophic war. By the end of the war, the few remaining Dragon Lords were brutally hunted and exterminated by the populace, which refused to live any longer under their oppressive rule. Whatever happened to the mounts of these Lords remains a mystery. Whether the dragons were slain as well, or simply returned to the icy hilltops of the great mountain ranges, or reside in some remote corner of land uninhabited by man cannot be known for certain. Regardless, dragons have not been seen for 500 years and the era of Dragon Lords has long ended, ushering in the age of Barons, or warrior-kings, who compete with one another for annexation of land and resources through small bands of warriors called factions.   
« Last Edit: December 16, 2016, 01:52:48 AM by Aozora »

Offline MisterSherbetLemon

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Re: Forged In The Flames
« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2016, 01:58:52 PM »
Some nice wording in there but a bit of an info overload. Got the general gist of things and it seemed pretty cool, I'd just be careful on how you position the prologue as it can be a bit overwhelming for someone prior to reading the story itself.

Also, just wanted to check: When it says man walked among beasts, does it mean they cooperated with each other peacefully and then began to slay each other? Wasn't sure of this.

Still, look forward to seeing how you present the first chapter. :)

Offline Aozora

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Re: Forged In The Flames
« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2016, 07:20:27 AM »
Appreciate the read Sherbet! What part seemed like info overload - I can try to cut it down. Man and beast are in conflict with each other, changed the wording to make it more clear. Thanks for the heads up on that man.

Also, I've got Chapter 1 finished. It's 7:00 am and I should have been doing homework or sleeping...*sigh* Bad decisions haha. Anyways hope you guys read and enjoy. Feedback is welcome.

Chapter 1: Order of the White Hawk
Brrrr!The blast of the horn was a rude awakening to say the least. Shahm stirred beneath his sheets while the others rushed for battle. He could feel the air brush against his face as his battle hardened brothers swept past where he lay in the tent one after the other. Outside the indistinct sounds slowly crescendoed towards full fledged battle cries. This was already the fifth raid in three days, and he had forgotten what a good night’s rest felt like.

“Get up ya bastard.”

He felt a knock against his side and next he knew, he was being dragged out the tent by the ear. Captain Mort had little patience for any sort of dillydallying. He was a gruff, rugged man with many years of battle experience. A bona fide warrior almost his entire life, he looked the part with that thick beard and long mahogany hair but he played it even better, for he was, without a shadow of a doubt, the Order of the White Hawk’s strongest warrior. His vice-like grip finally loosened once they were outside the weapons barracks.

“You have the important task of guarding the Baron’s grandson. Get to work!”

“Yes, Captain!” Shahm replied, bowing, but the stern Captain had already stormed off. Shahm entered the tent and retrieved his equipment – sword and chest plate – from one of the small spaces in the row of shelves. Every warrior had his own designated area. It was a highly efficient system born from the ingenuity of Ogus Stanza, the 64th Lord Baron of the Order of the White Hawk. With the bronze armor securely over his torso and the blade tucked at his side, Shahm rushed out of the tent and headed to the riverbank towards the east, where the commotion could be heard. On the other side of the river was a thick forestry, which the invaders had used to stage their ambush.   
Several others were scrambling to join the fight as well.

Shahm caught hold of the closest and asked, “Have you seen Vers?”

“No, but I assume he’s on the front lines as usual. Wouldn’t expect any less from the Captain!!” the bandmate replied while running in the direction of the skirmish.

“No, guess not,” grumbled Shahm, who was not so thrilled that the one he had to protect had a propensity for heroics, for it only made his job harder. But that was the nature of the Baron’s grandson, and as his lowly bodyguard, Shahm had no place to complain.

His armored brothers were already entangled in battle when Shahm charged onto the lush riverbank along with several others. The cool breeze of the Autumn’s night hit harder against his face due to the speed at which he was moving. His hair fluttered in the wind like black, dancing flames. He scoured the area and soon enough he found a head of blonde hair, almost white as snow, glowing with the light of the full moon. There was only one person that could be and that was the person Shahm needed to be protecting.

“Vers!” Shahm yelled, rushing after him. He was unsure whether Vers had heard him, for he had not elicited a reaction from the young warrior, but Shahm quickly realized he was occupied with a bandit and not in much of a position to respond.

He was not far from Vers when he suddenly noticed a twinkle of silver from the corner of his eyes. Narrowly he escaped the blade, and the grim fate of being sliced from top to bottom like a slab of meat. Shahm swung his own sword and clashed blades with the bandit, each trying to overpower the other.

From the side, another bandit appeared, his sword raised high for a powerful downward strike just as before. But this time, Shahm had no way of protecting himself. He watched with wide eyes as the bandit was struck in the back and collapsed into the bed of grass face forward, his back decorated with two deep gashes.

Vers brandished his double-bladed weapon again, and two glowing projections in the shape of a crescent moon emerged from the blades. The flying crescents struck the other bandit Shahm had been dealing with in the abdomen and felled him. Shahm observed the still bodies of the dead bandits and took a moment to recover from the fear he had felt earlier. He truly thought that was the end of him.

“Why is it that I always end up protecting you?” Vers said.
 
“Yeah, yeah whatever,” Shahm pouted, before letting loose a string of curse words under his breath.

It appeared that the other bandmates had taken care of the rest of the bandits, and all was quiet on the other side of the river.

Vers walked closer to the edge of the riverbank and peered at the forest on the other side of the river, somehow expecting more to suddenly spring from the darkness at any moment. “Hmph. Is that it? That was boring.”

All the bandmates started to conglomerate around Vers. “It seems you scared them off! They probably had never seen a warrior as powerful as you and fled with their tails between their legs,” chuckled one of the bandmates, a tall and burly man. He then declared, “Three cheers for the young Captain!” And cries of victory erupted from the motley crew of warriors.

The warriors returned to camp in song and delight, parading Vers through the grounds atop their shoulders. Vers, meanwhile, sat without an expression on his face, eyes closed and arms and legs crossed. The novelty of this had since long passed, and had become simply a standard ritual for him after every victory.

Shahm came up to one of the bandmates carrying Vers and asked with a toothy grin, “Hey, hey can I get up there too? I’m his bodyguard.”

“Bodyguard!” the bandmate roared in laughter. “That’s a good one! More like his lackey! You’re no warrior, boy. Actually, my clothes need to be washed. You could take care of that, make yourself useful around here, you know.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll try to take care of it when I can,” Shahm said, attempting to put on the bravest face he could muster, while the bandmate and the rest carried on laughing and having a good time.

Those sort of responses stung at first but Shahm had gotten used to them for the most part. The truth was that man was right. He was not a warrior. He was raised by farmers and had never picked up a sword his entire life before joining the Order of the White Hawk a year ago. His expendability was something he had to accept.

Everyone gathered around the colossal fire in the center of the camp. Large casks of wine were brought out and some of the heavy drinkers drank straight from the barrels. Others wrapped their arms around one another and filled the grounds with their loud, wild singing.

Shahm stood silently to the side. As he observed his bandmates, he noticed a hulking figure in the back, far from the festivities. It was Captain Mort making his way briskly to his tent without a word, his axe soaked with blood. That man was the one who truly deserved to be paraded about, but no one except Shahm knew that.

He had had a longing to see the great Captain Mort in action so Shahm had shadowed him a while back. It was a raid similar to this one but there had been a hill separating the Order of the White Hawk and the enemy as opposed to a river. While everyone else had climbed the hill to meet the enemy head on, the Captain had traversed around it to find the enemy on the other side. He had single handedly obliterated their entire base and no one knew about it. But Captain Mort, as sharp as he was, knew Shahm had been following him the whole time and gave him a sound beating afterwards, making him swear that he would never follow him ever again or speak of what he witnessed to anyone. Since then, Shahm had stuck to Vers like a suckling child to his mother – as best as he could, at least.
   
When Vers’s party arrived, he scowled, “Put me down already, you buffoons,” trying his hardest to act as though he did not enjoy all the attention and glory. He noticed Shahm standing alone to the side and decided to join him.

“What do you want?” Shahm said. 

Vers was silent for a moment, and then started, “I watched you against the bandits. If it weren’t for that one who interfered, I think you would have defeated the other one.”

“You don’t have to make feel better,” Shahm said.
 
“I wasn’t. You’re still the worst warrior I’ve ever seen.”

“Oi!” Shahm objected with a clenched fist.

“You barely know how to protect someone and aren’t even with me half the time.”

“Well, that’s cause you go running off all the time!”

“And you…”

“I get it already, you asshole!”

Shahm looked past Vers. “Hey look, your grandpa finally came out.” Shahm was referring to the elderly man who had just walked out of his tent, the Lord Baron, Ogus Stanza, who was wearing nothing more than a white undershirt and cloth tied around his waist. Chances were he was bare naked underneath and needed something to cover up. To Shahm, he was nothing more than a decrepit geezer missing his two front teeth with a single tuft of hair protruding from an otherwise bald head.

“What’s all this racket going on here?”

One of the bandmates responded, “Old man, we just fended off a raid and we’re celebrating. What were you doing this whole time?”

“Oh you know, I’m a heavy sleeper,” Ogus said to the mass of disbelieving faces. “And my hearing’s not as good as it used to be.” Suddenly, a girl came scampering out of his tent.

“Oggie, are you coming? We were having so much fun,” she teased as she tugged on his arm.

All the bandmates started snickering as the old man frantically tried to shove the girl back into the tent, from which giggling could be heard.

“No, no. Shh! Shh! Yes, yes I’m coming. Just stay here, don’t come out. Yes, yes you are my cutie patootie, too.”

Shahm and Vers watched the whole incident with such stricken expressions.

“Your old man is such a pervert,” Shahm commented.

“Yeah, I know,” Vers acquiesced.   

The elderly man walked back to his bandmates with a casual air and gave an awkward chuckle. “She was pretty hot though wasn’t she?” Ogus gave a toothy grin and the festivities picked up with the same vigor once again, except this time the Baron was joining in on the fun. Various bandmates could be heard teasing Ogus: “Come on old man, learn to share with us a little bit?" "Aren’t you a bit old for this kind of stuff?”

“Does the old man even do anything? He just hides in his tent during raids and then comes out once it’s done,” Shahm said.

“What do you know about my grandfather?" Vers replied. "This faction has survived this long all because of him. If it weren’t for his ability to properly allocate our resources, come up with ways to organize our equipment and facilities, and strategize when and where we should move and how we should fight, we would have been destroyed long ago. There are factions much stronger and much more renowned than ours that weren’t able to survive in this area because they had leaders with bricks for brains. But that’s not all. Just look.”

Shahm watched the elderly Baron joking and laughing with all of his bandmates.

“My grandfather knows each one of these guys personally. That’s why they’re all comfortable enough to joke with him and call him ‘old man’. Most Barons would decapitate you on the spot if you addressed them that way, and a lot of them have problems with treachery and mutinies. You’ll never see that with our guys; they'd give up their lives for him.”

Vers paused for a moment before saying, “He’s the greatest man I know. I strive to become like him.”

Shahm soaked it all in, realizing almost everything Vers said to be true. But he pretended not to acknowledge it. “Yeah, yeah he’s still a pervy old man though,” he pouted, looking away.

Vers simply sighed at Shahm’s obstinacy. “Anyways, I’m going to sleep. Get up early if you want me to help you improve your swordsmanship,” he said softly before turning to walk back to his tent.

“Like I’d ever ask you to train me!” Shahm yelled after Vers. He was alone once again and observed the festivities in silence. He wanted to grow stronger as a warrior but he could never bring himself to submit to his closest rival. He would find his own way to prove his worth as a warrior – whenever and whatever that may be.

He retired to his tent, hoping to finally get a good night’s rest.

« Last Edit: December 24, 2016, 01:16:42 AM by Aozora »

Offline MisterSherbetLemon

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Re: Forged In The Flames
« Reply #3 on: November 13, 2016, 10:20:04 AM »
I think the overload is mainly in the explanation of the conflict between the three brothers and how Dragon Lords were exterminated. It didn't specify what happened to the brothers but skipped to the mystery of what happened to the Dragons themselves.

I think for the prologue you'd be served better by leaving the history of the war between the Dragon Lords as vague, as if it's something that is taught to children in the current age but the details are rarely remembered. Think of what details would be significant to the characters of the present timeline. For me that would be:

- Three lords who could control dragons waging war with their dragon armies.
- The revolution that brought them down.
- The believed extermination of the dragon lords.

Prologues should always be kept precise, to the point and vague enough that you can leave some questions unanswered until the answers become relevant to your main story. There's no need for readers to know at the start that the three brothers originally saved people from dragons, or that they were brothers. Ever had that little "ohooo" moment when you read a reveal in a manga? That could easily be one of those moments.

I don't believe there's a need to describe the current age that comes after in the prologue either. I think the picture will be painted clearly through the story itself. Introducing the age of Barons through dialogue and actions rather than a small block of text will allow the reader to delve gradually into the setting until they're lost in it. Let explanations emerge through dialogue between characters in a more natural manner.

With every first draft of a prologue I try to think "Okay, how do I cut this in half?" because I believe segments of prologue can be provided throughout the entire story for as long as necessary. Haven't read the first chapter yet but I'll comment on it shortly :)

Offline Aozora

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Re: Forged In The Flames
« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2016, 10:54:46 PM »
Synopsis has been added to the original post so check it out when you can. Hopefully it will be a good grabber :)

---
Sherbet: I get what you're saying with those "aha" moments. It's just I don't know what those moments are going to be yet so I wasn't able to tailor the prologue around that. For now, I'm just calling it the history. When I have a better idea of what these "aha" moments will be, I'll go back and change it accordingly. Thanks for the feedback man! And yes! Would greatly appreciate if you read Ch. 1 when you get a chance.

Offline Deru

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Re: Forged In The Flames
« Reply #5 on: November 16, 2016, 06:28:50 PM »
Hello blue sky. There is a lot of description. Try for some more dialogue. The bigger font size made it easier to read.
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Offline legomaestro

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Re: Forged In The Flames
« Reply #6 on: November 22, 2016, 03:44:52 AM »
Spoiler
1. “Get up ya bastard.”
- Always sounds pirate-like to say that imo.

2. He felt a knock against his side and next he knew, he was being dragged out the tent by the ear. Captain Mort had little patience for any sort of dillydallying. He was a gruff, rugged man with many years of battle experience. A bona fide warrior almost his entire life, he looked the part with that thick beard and long mahogany hair but he played it even better, for he was, without a shadow of a doubt, the Order of the White Hawk’s strongest warrior. His vice-like grip finally loosened once they were outside the weapons barracks.
- Great character description there. Now I know who Mort is, and I won’t need any more tired descriptions plugging information about him. It’s great to have a character step in like this. It’s as direct and effective as a play is written with stage directions and the like. Keep doing this.

3. “You have the important task of guarding the Baron’s grandson. Get to work!”
- And here, we already have a mission for Shahm.  Which means plot and two characters already introduced in the space of a few words, which is good.

4.His armored brothers were already entangled in battle when Shahm charged onto the lush riverbank along with several others.
- If he was fast asleep and ‘dillydallying’ you’d think there wasn’t a war being fought outside. I didn’t feel the urgency of a battle taking place, rather a lazy morning scene.

5. Shahm soaked it all in, realizing almost everything Vers said to be true. But he decided to go with a rebellious response. “Yeah, yeah he’s still a pervy old man though.”
- Hm, as far as endings go this didn’t quite feel like something that leads into a story. The conversation suddenly stopped, but it is still a useful chapter in terms of introducing stuff.

General Thoughts


Interesting set up here. The White Hawk? Any chance you’ve read Berserk? What with raiding and all that I’m getting a lot of that sort of vibe. But I suppose historically that must’ve happened some-when. I need to read up on that when I get the chance.

The beginning was pretty strong. Other than me missing the fact that they were on a battle field or in a valley of some sort, the descriptions have been on point, and Shahm (how do you pronounce that?), Vers and Captain Mort really stick in your mind as characters, so great work on writing them. Reading the chapter was easy because it’s well formatted, and I think this font works out for the story too, if that’s worth anything.

I haven’t read anything about what the plot is about to see how much I can garner about the story from here. Reading it now, it seems really fitting. It’s great how simple it is to consume and could almost fit on the back blurb of a novel, so good work there too. I do hope you complete this project, because it seems real promising.

Cheers

Offline Aozora

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Re: Forged In The Flames
« Reply #7 on: December 16, 2016, 01:20:25 AM »
Lego, my man...always love seeing a review from you brotha!

Your compliments are greatly appreciated and criticisms have been duly noted.
 
To answer your other questions: Shahm is pronounced like "mom", though a subtle 'y' sound is there, such that it could read like "Shyam". Yes! The factions in this story take their inspiration from Berserk. Very keen eye as always.

I appreciate the review dude; let me know if there is anything you'd like me to take a look at.

Offline Aozora

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Re: Forged In The Flames
« Reply #8 on: December 24, 2016, 01:33:45 AM »
Wassup all, updated Chapter 1with a proper ending and have the beginning to chapter 2 below. Criticism welcome as always.

Chapter 2: I Am Shahm
Rays of golden light tickled Shahm’s face. He had an amazing sleep and although he wished it could go on forever, he forced himself up. To his surprise, however, none of the bandmates with whom he shared the tent were around. In fact, the tent itself was gone; only his belongings remained. He was exposed, out in the open, barren lands with not a single soul in sight. The band had simply packed and left without him. He started to panic, hoping that they had not gone too far. He quickly rolled his sheets, grabbed his belongings, and darted in the direction of wheel tracks and hoof prints.

As he ran, he could discern a figure in the distance, leaning against a tree at the edge of the surrounding forestry. The shadows obscured the man’s face but as Shahm approached closer, he realized who it was. That crisp jawline and wavy but kempt auburn locks belonged to none other than Captain Emon Elisar, the third captain of the Order of the White Hawk and the nicest person Shahm knew.
 
“Captain Emon!” Shahm waved cheerfully.

Captain Emon looked up with a trace of alarm, but Shahm paid no mind, attributing the captain’s reaction to his unexpected appearance.

“Shahm!” Captain Emon expressed his surprise. “What are you still doing here? The band has up and gone to move quarters after the raid last night.”

“I decided to sleep in a bit,” Shahm chuckled awkwardly.

Captain Emon displayed his signature smile. “As usual. I thought we had discussed this and you promised you’d try to get up earlier from now on,” he lectured.

Shahm looked down, kicking his feet. “Yeah…I know,” he mumbled. Captain Emon had this unique manner of reproach. His words never cut or stung but always succeeded in evoking a sense of guilt or embarrassment. The aura he emitted was what seemed to give his words such power, Shahm presumed.

“Anyhow, no worries!” Captain Emon reassured. “The band shouldn’t be too far ahead. If you keep going in this direction, you should catch up to them in short time.”

“Really!? Thank goodness.” Shahm prepared to take off but waited for Captain Emon to make a move. An awkward silence ensued.

“Aren’t you coming too?”

“Huh? Oh that’s right.” Captain Emon chuckled, recollecting himself. “I forgot to mention the Lord Baron asked me to stay behind and make sure we were not being followed to prevent any surprises.”

A raven black crow suddenly landed right onto Captain Emon’s shoulder. Shahm jumped in alarm, and was also slightly disturbed by its crimson red eyes.

“Wh-what’s that?”

“Oh, this is the messenger crow that delivered this letter to me,” Captain Emon said, referring to the parchment in his hand. “Mother likes to check up on me from time to time.”

“Wow, I’m surprised I’ve never seen them before. I would expect that a lot of the guys in the White Hawk would be using these to communicate with their families.”

“Ah, yes. Unfortunately, this breed of crow is very rare, located in only certain parts of the world. They can track the recipient with their keen sense of smell. Very interesting creatures.”

Captain Emon then continued, “It’s done its job. I should probably send it back.” He looked at the crow and made a shooing noise and gesture, but the crow completely ignored him.

“Hiya!” he shouted suddenly. This time the crow received the message loud and clear, but before flying off, it cawed at the captain, almost as though to voice its displeasure with him.

Shahm was surprised by the captain’s strong command, and even slightly intimidated; that was the loudest he had ever heard Captain Emon.

The captain turned back to Shahm. “Have to be a little firm with them sometimes,” he smiled.

Shahm chuckled shyly in return.

“Come. We should probably get moving before we fall too far behind,” he said, tucking the parchment into his tunic.