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Author Topic: MR Happy Hour Bleach FanFiction Episode!  (Read 3578 times)

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Offline Coryn

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Re: MR Happy Hour Bleach FanFiction Episode!
« Reply #15 on: August 29, 2016, 07:34:35 PM »
Spoiler
CHAPTER 6

Seireitei was already burning when the Garganta opened in the sky above it. Mahlua was still on
her feet, but collapsed upon seeing the sight. “I can’t believe this… how did this even happen?”
   The rest of the captains stepped out as the Garganta closed. Coryn glanced around and
took note of the scene. “The Seiremon is already closed. If this attack came from the outside, the
damage wouldn’t have been nearly this bad.”
   “Agreed.” Chimed Vacant. “And considering that the perpetrators seem to be Shinigami,
I can only imagine that it’s an inside threat that we’re dealing with.”
   Lego was already bashing his fists together. “Who cares! Just feeling all that killing
intent in the air! Let’s get to it!”
   Coryn sighed but chuckled sensibly as a follow up. “Somehow I can’t imagine the
Captain Commander will be too offended if you happen to break your probation this time.”
   The captains suddenly found themselves confronted by a member of the Stealth Force.
The shinigami was clad head to toe in black, and her short zanpakuto was clearly covered in
blood. “Captains, we weren’t expecting you to return so soon! Please, there is no time for
explanations. My captain requested your presence as soon as he realized you were back!”
   Vacant smirked at the 2nd Squad member. “I’ll never figure out how that guy happens to
know exactly when people become available. First though, we have a Lieutenant here who could
use some medical attention.”
   “Sir, the Captain of Squad 4 is already on location!”
   Smiling, Vacant hoisted up the wounded Mahlua. “Maybe our luck is turning around
then. Stay safe kid.” Vacant flash stepped away with Lego and Coryn not far behind, leaving the
bewildered Stealth Squad member alone to wonder how they had appeared in the sky.

   Vacant touched down in a far corner of Squad 2’s campus. The area was densely wooded,
but only Lego and Mahlua seemed to be confused. “Oi, where are we? I’ve never seen this part
of Squad 2’s barracks.”
   “That’s because you haven’t been around long enough.” Coryn retorted. “They use this
area for training, among other things.”
   “Ehhh?” Moaned Lego, scratching at his head. “Other things like what?”
   The answer appeared before him as the trees thinned and they found themselves facing an
impossibly wide moat. A long bridge had extended across it at some point to a walled island at
its center, but the area had recently seen much destruction. Standing beside the bridge’s start
were two more white clad figures. The first was a man named Sherbet Lemon, who Lego had
insulted at the captains meeting two days previously. He wore a bored look on his face, and was
occasionally yawning. The second man was the captain of Squad 2. Known only by the moniker
‘Manimal’, no living soul reaper claimed to know what he really looked like, as none of them
had ever seen his face. He covered it at all times with a wooden kitsune mask, which he had
decorated with black and white designs. Instead of a zanpakuto, he carried an electric guitar that
he had somehow smuggled from the world of the living on his back at all times.
   Manimal was deep in a one sided conversation about some human musical group when
he first noticed the arrival of the other three captains, but quickly shifted gears to the task at
hand. “Yo guys! You got here really fast! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.”
   “You should be surprised they’re here at all!” Shouted Sherbet, who was already
attending to Mahlua. While pouring something which smell suspiciously like sake down her
throat, he turned back up to his fellow captains. “If you haven’t gathered by now, it’s this guy’s
fault that we’re in this mess.”
   Manimal shrugged. “Yeah I guess so…Looks like some of the prisoners in the Nest
hatched some sort of plan to break out and stuff. I didn’t read the report but I guess they’re out
now?”
   Sherbet stood. “Pretty much every shinigami we locked up in there who had the mental
capacity to break out did. They even raided the Academy so they’re equipped with their
zanpakuto to boot.”
   “Uh-huh.” Continued Manimal. “I guess there were a handful of guys down there who
became the ringleaders. All of the other captains are busy dealing with their own problems, so
that leaves three of the bigwigs left to take out.”
   Sherbet took a drink from a flask he had produced from his kimono. “The three biggest
near we can tell. Don’t know about the other two, but the head honcho is some guy named
Takeshi Arihyoshi. Locked him up a while back according to the records. But definitely captain
class that one.”
   Sherbet tried to take another drink, but was interrupted by Lego. “So why exactly aren’t
either of you two out fighting then?”
   “Because…” Replied Sherbet, in between gulps. “My bankai ain’t worth *censored* in a fight.
And guitar hero over here because he has to make sure whoever is left down there doesn’t wise
up and try to make like a bird.” Sherbet turned away, but under his breath Vacant heard
something about how “It’s always the dumbasses you have to worry about most.”
   Manimal rubbed his mop of brown hair, and laughed a little to lighted the mood. “So do
you got all that big guy?”
   Lego scratched his afro. “I don’t really know what this whole prison thing is about…” He
broke out into a wide grin. “But I do get that you need me to kill the really tough guy!” Golden
reiatsu burst out from around his feet. “This is going to be good! You other two can have the
underlings!” Instead of flash-stepping away like a sensible shinigami, Lego launched himself
into the air with brute force, no doubt in the direction of the strongest reiatsu that he could lock
on to. Coryn and Vacant both shrugged at their fellow captains, before disappearing themselves.
Again, Vacant heard Sherbet muttering under his breath.

Spoiler
CHAPTER 7
Lego was the first to arrive at this destination. Above the execution grounds stood an older man,
who might have been in his fifties had he been a human. Long gray hair streaked down into his
back, tied into a loose ponytail. A scraggly beard covered his face, but it could not hide several
long scars which streaked along its surface. Lego smirked at the man. “I’ll take it you’re Takeshi
Arihyoshi. Nice robes you’ve got there. You better not have stolen those off of one of my men.”
   Takeshi turned towards Lego, a look of slight bemusement on his face. “Ah, I was
wondering when they were going to send someone after me. I had expected the Captain
Commander. But I suppose the dog will do.”
   “What was that?!” Lego howled.
   Now it was Takeshi’s turn to smile. “I know all about you, ‘Kenpachi’. In fact, we’ve
been keeping well in touch with the goings on of the Gotei 13. And you are nothing more than its
rabid dog, with a leash so tight its embarrassing to even call yourself a shinigami.”
   Lego had already pounced on the man, zanpakuto drawn. “Let me show you just what
kind of shinigami I am!”

   When Vacant arrived at the sourced of reiatsu he had detected, he was unsure of what to
expect, but quickly found himself wishing he had switched opponents with Coryn. “Oh you can’t
be serious…”
   Before him stood a hulking figure, easily as large as any of the gatekeepers of the
Seiremon. The great figure slowly turned, and to his horror, Vacant noticed that he was carrying
a zanpakuto large enough to match the giant’s size. The two met eyes, and Vacant managed a
casual wave before the sword crashed down upon him. Vacant flash stepped out of the way, but
was still pelted with flying debris. “You really are a big guy huh? What’s your name? I’m
Vacant by the way, of the 3rd Squad.”
   The giant stopped, for a moment. “My name is Brutus, ex-guardian of the Red Hollow
Gate.”
   “Oh…” Vacant came to a stop. “And why is it exactly that you were locked away?”
   Brutus seemed to stop to think for a moment. “They, feared me…”
   Vacant’s face betrayed his curiosity. “Feared you?”
   In response, Brutus pulled up his blade, and plunged it into the ground. “Crumble, Hasai-
Jishin!”
   
   Coryn had found himself out on the forested Shinigami Acadamy grounds. The reiatsu he
had detected was strong, yet had been surrounded by other signatures. Half way there however,
the rest of the reiatsus had disappeared, leaving only the original. Upon arrival, he realized why.
Before him stood a much younger shinigami with his blade drawn. Surrounding him were
downed trees and scorch marks. The ground had been so heavily burnt in some places that it had
destroyed all foliage, and left the each cracked and devoid of all moisture. The boy had been
inspecting the blast sites, but turned towards Coryn when he had touched down.
   “Ah, hello Captain Sken. I had hoped you would be the one they sent after me.”
   Coryn cocked an eyebrow. “Me? Might I inquire to how you even know my name? I
don’t suppose you get Seireitei Communication down in the Nest.”
   The boy laughed. His voice was light, but betrayed something sinister. “That’s true. We
had to be very careful in our research. But it was worth it. I dare say that you are my perfect
opponent.”
   Coryn opened his mouth to voice his next question, but was cut short when he realized
the boy was already behind him. A sharp pain in his shoulder also alerted him to the fact that the
boy had managed to land a hit as well. His haori was cut clean through, and the wound was very
shallow. But before Coryn could air his grievances on this fact, he found his body being flooded
with reishi, his own power growing at a rapid, but constant rate. Turning he found the boy,
standing calmly behind him. “You’re zanpakuto, it’s already released?”
   The boy smiled, and held up the perfectly normal looking blade. “Correct! My
zanpakuto’s true power has nothing to do with the physical shape. Instead, it just amplifies the
reiatsu of anything it cuts.”
   Coryn chuckled. “Then it’s not a very good idea to go cutting your opponents now is it?”
   The boy cocked his head. “Oh come now. I would have thought you’re smarter than that
Captain Sken. A shinigami and his reishi is just like a shishi-odoshi. Any one soul can only
contain so much, and like the bamboo, once it’s filled completely, it topples, releasing the
water.”
   Coryn suddenly realized what had happened to the boy’s soul reaper opponents, and
where the explosions had originated. “Those shinigami, they couldn’t release the built up power
fast enough.”
   “Exactly!” Exclaimed the boy. “I knew you would figure it out! Of course, the power
increases aren’t going to stop, so you’ll just have to keep hemorrhaging power until I release
you, or you reach your breaking point.”
   Coryn smiled. “Do you really think that a captain will have trouble with this? Our bodies
hold more reishi than ten shinigami put together. And we don’t have much problem releasing it.”
   The boy frowned at him. “Don’t be so quick to gloat. I haven’t told you the best part yet.
The power increase grows exponentially, so you have to waste more and more. You can try kido
spells, but for a captain for your level, they hardly have an impact. Really, the only way to
disgorge enough energy is through your zanpakuto.”
   Coryn glanced down at his bound sword. “Is this some sort of sick game then?”
   “Call it curiosity.” Replied the young shinigami. “Will you break your vow to save your
life? I want to see your bankai Captain. And incidentally, it is also the only way to save your
life.” He took a few steps back into the woods. “My name is Pippin Kogo, by the way. A
pleasure to meet you.”
   
   Lego and Takeshi were already well into their fight by the time he realized that was
anything was wrong, but by then he didn’t really care. Takeshi blocked a strike with surprising
force, and Lego was launched several dozen feet back. “Stand down Captain! This is not a battle
you can win! We have already won.”
   “Shut it!” Roared Lego, as he flew at Takeshi, zanpakuto over his head.
   Takeshi dropped down and lunged forward. “You’re full of openings!” They clashed,
Lego’s sword cut down into the larger man’s shoulder, but his own sword had pierced Lego’s
side. Wasting no time however, they broke apart and regrouped.
   Lego felt at his wound, and inspected the amount of blood pouring from it. “Just a flesh
wound. You’re pretty rusty Takeshi!”
   “I could say the same about you. Or perhaps you’re just unprepared for an opponent
stronger than you? A man who crushes ants will be killed by the boar.”
   “How about I show you just how powerful I really am!” Reishi burst from his body,
flying out in waves and pushing back the moonlit clouds. Lego pointed his sword at the moon,
and swung it in a quick circle around his body. “Strike down, Raiouoni!” A lightning bolt shot
down from the sky, blinding Takeshi and covering his body in light. Takeshi raised his blade to
defend himself, but instead found himself dodging to avoid a bolt of lightning which came all too
close to vaporizing his head. Chancing a glance back towards his open, Takeshi watch as a black
slash appeared through the haze of light, bisecting it and blasting the two halves away. Lego was
still, but his blade had elongated, and was wreathed in electricity. Electricity arced its way down
the blade, constantly shooting off as they reached the tip.
   Finally seeing that he was not in immediate danger, Takeshi stepped back down, and tried
to size up his opponent’s blade. “I see…For a captain of your reputation, I anticipated a far
flashier release.”
   Lego grinned back at him. “Really? I always thought it was a little too dramatic. My
squad doesn’t really go in for gimmicky weapons. However…” Lego brought up his blade,
pointing it at Takeshi. “In my case, we made a bit of an exception.”
   “Hah! Well then I hope you can show me your true power!” Takeshi grabbed the base of
his sword’s blade with his left hand. “Drip down ink upon the world, drown all the oceans with
blackness!” He drew his blade down, coating the blade from guard to tip in blood. “Kuroi-
Mikadzuike!” Black smoke poured from the guard of his zanpakuto, quickly enveloping him.
The smoke soon contracted, and seemed to harden around his arms and blade. Lego found his
enemy wearing dark metal armor covering his arms and shoulders, and that his zanpakuto had
transformed into a long scythe, made of the same material.
   “A shinigami with a scythe, how cliché. Please tell me that you have something fancier
up your sleeve.”
   Takeshi showed no emotion towards him. “I wouldn’t be so quick to judge, wild dog.”
   Lego was vaguely aware that he was blocking a swing from the scythe’s curved blade,
but the next thing he knew his back was turning the crossbeam of the gallows into dust. Reality
caught up to him as he landed on the precipice of the hill, forcing blood out of his mouth and
onto his chest. “What the hell?”
   Takeshi was already standing in front of him, and slowly took a few steps towards Lego.
“Sorry about that, I should have given you a little more warning.” He came to a halt. “My
zanpakuto is Kuroi-Mikadzuike. There’s nothing too special about it. It’s more of a hassle than
anything to be honest. Its power waxes and wanes with the moon, so that’s why we planned the
break out at sunset on the night of the full moon. So…” He raised the scythe above his head.
“Please hold still, I don’t want this to hurt any more than it has to.” Takeshi brought his blade
down, but was surprised to find it stop short. Below him Lego had raised his blade, and caught
the scythe by the very tip. Takeshi could now see clearly the blade’s side, and noticed a long
jagged line which ran its length. At the base however, he could see that the dark line was partly
filled with light, creeping up a few centimeters from the guard.
   “Let me tell you something good.” Said Lego. “But first…” Lego pushed back, forcing
Takeshi’s scythe back and into the air. With a single leap, he launched himself from the ground
and smashed his head into Takeshi’s face, who reeled backwards. “I don’t give a damn about
how your zanpakuto works!” With another slash aimed at his chest, he cut though his robes, but
only landed a superficial blow. “And I don’t care about your plan!” Takeshi avoided another
slash, and landed back beneath the gallows. “All I gathered from that is that you’re at your best
right now!”
   Lego thrust his sword forward and another bolt of lightning arced from it. Takeshi flash
stepped safely to the top of the now broken gallows. Lego thrust his blade out so Takeshi could
see the side. To his surprise, the glowing line had grown down the blade. “See this? That line on
my blade grows the longer I fight! I can’t activate my bankai until it’s full okay? So don’t die
until it’s ready!”
   Takeshi smiled down at him. “I think I can manage that. Now, show me why you deserve
to be called ‘Kenpachi’!”
   “Hahaha! Well then…” Lego exploded with reishi, blasting out a crater in the hill and
launching himself at Takeshi. “Let me show you, why I’m the strongest man in the Gotei 13!”

   Vacant pushed as much blood out of his eyes as he could. Brutus had proved to be a
much more powerful opponent than he had anticipated. His released zanpakuto had covered him
head to foot in rock, and he was charging through buildings as if they were paper. Vacant had
managed to stay well ahead of him, but the real danger was coming from the Seiremon itself.
   He hadn’t detected it initially, but there were now dozens of distinct energy signatures
surrounding the wall’s exterior. They had begun to move inwards, and were taking the wall with
them. Most importantly however, Vacant realized that they all shared the same reiatsu, that of the
giant chasing behind him.
   “So you’ve felt it then?! It’s the end of the Seireitei captain! My zanpakuto is the
strongest earth type there is! Even the Seiremon cannot withstand it!”
   Vacant spun and blocked a punch from Brutus. He managed to stop the push forward, but
he quickly realized that his Shikai wasn’t able to destroy the rock covering Brutus’s fist. “No,
it’s not that I’m not destroying it, it’s just that he’s replacing it at the same rate.” Vacant
disengaged, and shot up towards the man’s face. “Let’s see just how strong the rock around your
eyes is!”
   He shot towards the dark openings, but upon impact, he realized that eye-holes weren’t
all they seemed to be, and his hands smacked against a smooth crystal. “Diamonds?!” Vacant
thought to go for the seams between the gems and the rock, but was swatted off like an
overgrown fly. He burst through several buildings before finally coming to a halt in a warehouse
which promptly collapsed around him. Vacant found himself covered by a goodly amount of
rubble, but started clearing it off with his ability. Meanwhile, Brutus slowly made his way
towards the captain.
   “As the Seiremon advances, the shield it projects will also contract. Eventually the whole
of the Seireitei will be crush.”
   Vacant was nearly clear, but the giant was yet to stop his advance. “If you do that, you’ll
all be killed as well. Haven’t you even thought that far ahead?”
   Finally, Brutus stopped. “We have considered the outcome, but there is no man among us
who does not accept it. The Gotei 13 locked each of us away for being a danger. They stole our
lives long ago!”
   With the last of the rubble cleared away, Vacant casually brought himself to an upright
position. “That’s really too unfortunate. I don’t want to kill you Brutus, but I can’t let the
Seireitei be destroyed either. On my honor as a captain of the Gotei 13!” Vacant stood and threw
his arms out to each side. “BAN-” He snapped them back together, creating an extremely loud
clap that shot a wave of force strong enough to clear the destroyed building from around him and
send Brutus back several feet. “KAI!”
   Blue reishi spiral up around Vacant and grew into a great vortex which tossed even more
rubble into the atmosphere, some of which even disintegrated against the Seiremon Dome. Once
the reishi had dissipated though, Vacant had remained physically unchanged. His cheery
demeanor had vanished, and stood straight with an asserted look on his face. “Miezarute no
Funsai-mura. You’re zanpakuto is truly impressive Brutus. And I approve of your determination.
So, I shall use the whole of my right hand to destroy you.”
   At first Brutus stared on in disbelief, but then began to laugh heartily. He boasted.
“You’ll use your whole right hand?! Don’t think you can take me so lightly Captain! I will wipe
you out with just-!” He was cut short as he realized a great pressure was pushing down on him.
Brutus’s arms shot into the air, where they seemed to come into contact with something solid just
above his head. As they did though, the rock covering them shattered, and turned to dust. He
pulled them back and tried to resist with his shoulder. Here too the rock shattered, and now
Brutus found in horror as he began tearing into his back and hands. Brutus lowered his head as
far as he could, but could not escape pressure, or the destruction of his flesh. “What is this?!
What spell is this!?”
   “It’s not a spell. This is the power of my bankai. Be honored, Brutus of the Red Hollow
Gate! My bankai is not a thing that I take pleasure in, the fact that I use it now is only evidence
of the terribleness of your crime!”
   Brutus screamed something else at him, but it never reached Vacant’s ears. The sound
was drowned out as all of the surrounding buildings were consumed, as if being slowly fed into a
grinder. By the time the event was over, nothing but shaved earth remained for nearly a square
mile. Were some soul to witness the destruction from on high, they would see only a barren
landscape, in the shape of a right hand. Only Vacant remained among the desolation, taking even
breaths of the night air. “I do hope the other captains are faring well.”

   Coryn had been chasing the young Pippin for some time, firing off kido after kido, all the
while feeling the ever constant increase in his own reishi. “It looks like the Seiremon has stopped
advancing. That’s good, but still…” The boy was extremely fast, and had managed to avoid
every attack with ease. Coryn was beginning to feel frustrated, but remained unwilling to kill
what was essentially a child, shinigami or not. “Lego still hasn’t finished off their leader, and
this kid’s power is more than he says. The increase in reishi is getting exponentially greater.
Without the release of bankai, there’s no way a shinigami could withstand an extended fight.”
   “LET ME OUT.” The voice had come from Coryn’s own soul, deep and steady, but he
pushed it back down.
   “Do not get involved in this.”
   Pippin had come to a stop in front of him. “If you haven’t noticed, I’m already deeply
involved.”
   Coryn was about to correct the boy, but caught himself at the last minute. “There’s no
need to let him in on it.”
   He straightened his back, and did what he could to look composed. “Just wishful
thinking. There is no need for this battle Pippin Kogo. Your plan has failed, if you haven’t
noticed. The Seireitei will live to see another morning. Release your Shikai, and I can arrange for
you to be treated fairly.”
   Pippin sighed, but Coryn noted that his expression betrayed sadness. “You don’t get it
Captain. Each of us were prepared to die for our cause. There is no reason to back down now. As
for stopping my shikai, well, I’m afraid I simply don’t know how.”
   “What?!” For the first time in the battle, a small amount of fear had crept into Coryn’s
mind. “How could you not know?”
   Pippin shrugged at him. “It’s just not something I can do. Once a person is cut, I can’t
stop the process. Only after my opponent has overflowed, only then can I return my zanpakuto to
normal.”
   Coryn glanced down at his own sword for a moment, but soon turned his attention back
to the child. “I guess I’m running out of options. Sorry, Pippin Kogo.” He launched himself at
the boy, both arms in the air before him. “Hado 31: Shakkaho! Hado 48: Gaki Rekko!” Red fire
and blast of green energy shot forth in quick succession of each other. And Coryn pressed the
attack further. “Hado 32: Okasen! Modified Hado 4: Jugeki Byakurai! Hado 54: Haien!”
   “DRAW ME.”
   “Stay quiet!”
   Trees burst and the world around them caught fire. The growth of the reishi inside him
was becoming physically uncomfortable, and Coryn pushed harder. “Hado 58: Tenran! Hado 63:
Raikouhou!” His vision was starting to blur, and more and more of his spells flew wide.
   “THIS IS NOT HOW YOU WANT TO DIE.”
   “You aren’t involved in this decision!”
   “CORYN!”
   “No!”
   Coryn’s body felt like it was burning, from the tips of his fingers to the souls of his feet.
Waves of fire shot out from his heart, pulsing throughout his frame. “Hado 73: Soren Sokatsui!
Hado 88: Hiryu Gekizoku Shinten Raiho!” Coryn opened his eyes, only to realize they were
already wide open. The pain had become so severe that he could no longer feel his extremities.
“Hado 91: Senju Koten Taiho!”
   “THIS IS NOT HOW I WANT TO DIE...”
   The blast was massive, entirely off target, and did nothing to stem the tide of reishi within
his body. Coryn felt as if he were floating through nothingness, but soon found his feet touching
down on a hard, smooth surface. With a shock he realized that he could see again, and found
himself in a world that defied all logical explanation. The floor was white marble, and he stood
at the bottom of a massive room. Polished gold fittings and red velvet covered stairs extended
above him. The world was not unlike a grand lobby of some old hotel, extruded to infinitum,
forever rising to an unseen point.
   Coryn turned, and found himself face to face with a figure clad in white standing atop the
landing of a gilded staircase. Tears streamed down the face of the figure, but their eyes never
wavered from the visage of their shinigami. “CORYN…”
   The captain turned away in a futile attempt to hide his own shame. “He’s just a boy.”
   “SO WERE WE.”
   “I…” Coryn caught his own words, but knew they were communicated regardless. The
impossible room faded to black, and Coryn found himself alone. Lowering a hand to his side, he
grasped the hilt of his zanpakuto. “Ban...kai…”

   Lego and Takeshi both shot several feet to the side as the blast wave hit them. In the
distance they watched as pillar of pale reishi shot into the sky, and even tore a hole through the
Seiremon’s projected dome. For a moment their battle ceased, but in only a few seconds the
massive energy had subsided. Lego still stared on with disbelief. “What the hell was that?!” He
turned towards Takeshi for some sort of explanation, but found the older man seemed instead, to
be praying.
   “Goodbye Pippin, I wish you a speedy trip to the next life.” He turned towards Lego as
he finished. “I believe that leaves only you and I. My plan has failed, but I will not be imprisoned
again. You will have to kill me, Kenpachi.”
   Lego smiled at him, the first genuine smile he had expressed for a long time. “You, have
made me happier than I have been in a long time. Did you know that you’re the first one to call
me Kenpachi without a hint of sarcasm? Not even the men in my squad fully believe it.”
   Takeshi was taken aback by the gesture, but quickly relaxed. “After this battle, I believe
you have earned it, at least from me.”
   “Yeah,” Replied Lego, wiping blood from his lip. “You’ve given me a run for my money,
but most importantly.” He displayed his sword. I’m at 95%! Now, give me the battle of my life!”
   Lego rushed him, slashing wildly with his long blade. Takeshi replied in kind, and they
continued to trade blows all across Execution Hill. To Lego it felt as if neither were even pausing
to touch the ground, to him it was ecstasy, and he took note of every centimeter the glowing line
on his sword grew.
   “Now’s the time, Takeshi Arihyoshi!”
   Takeshi beamed at him. “Very well, Lego Kenpachi!”
   Lego jumped back into the air and roared animalistically, expunging his golden reishi to
the heavens. “BANKAI!”
   Below him, Execution Hill cracked, and while it remained upright, half of the great rock
dropped by several feet. Well above Lego few down onto Takeshi. His already extended
zanpakuto had grown even longer. Its guard and hilt had disappeared, leaving him only grasping
it by the tang. Coating Lego’s arms were metal gauntlets not unlike Takeshi’s, but neither
shinigami had time to ponder this fact. “Kaimetsu-tekina Mangekyo no Raiouoni!” Lego raised
the blade above his head for the final strike. “Akaraiouoni!”
   The top of Execution Hill turned from rock to fine sand, and from sand into glass. A
massive wave of lighting shot forth across the Seireitei, eventually smashing into the Seiremon
before finally dissipating. Lego found himself standing alone, bathed in the heat and light of the
semi-molten hilltop. Takeshi was gone, and once again Lego felt alone.
   “Now you know, why I am called ‘Kenpachi’.”

Spoiler
CHAPTER 8

Once again the captains of the Gotei 13 found themselves assembled before the Captain
Commander. In the days after the battle they had all submitted their reports on what would be
come to known as the ‘Night of Maggot’s Dance’.
   In the end, nearly one-hundred shinigami had lost their lives. The overall number of
casualties was much higher, though much lower than anticipated. Captain Sherbet made a motion
to increase funding for medical supplies, and Captain Manimal had suggested the shut-down of
the Maggot’s Nest program, in favor of less drastic, and more effective measures. Both motions
passed, however Captain Noisey’s request for a parade in Lieutenant’s Mahlua honor was
denied. Both because of the expense in doing so was un-warranted, and because it was agreed
that he was biased towards his own Lieutenant, so another Captain would have to make the
motion for it to even be considered.
   Third Squad was deemed to be responsible for the destruction of Captain Vacant’s
bankai, and that their funds would be garnished as necessary to repair the damage to 8th Squad’s
barracks. Captain Coryn had issued an apology as well to the Shinigami Academy, however the
younger captains present were unsure as to why. Captain Lego was included in this number, but
was more concerned with how the others were still refusing to refer to him as ‘Kenpachi’.
Although, he did take note that the purple cloth binding Coryn’s zanpakuto looked to be in better
condition than before, but he quickly dismissed it. Still, he was pleased when the Captain
Commander declared that he may once again participate in combat. Less pleased however, when
he was given a clear reminder, that zanpakuto release was allowed only with special permission
from the Commander himself.
   After several more hours of reports and discussion, the captains were at last released.
Each made their way back to their respective barracks. Some were still reliving the battle in their
minds, fondly remembering the fight. Some thought back on their actions with regret, others still
were simply exhausted, and looking forward to a quiet evening. They were united under one
emotion however: Pride. They had done their duty, and protected the Soul Society. For this was
the one truth that united all shinigami, and each took comfort in it.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline Coryn

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Re: MR Happy Hour Bleach FanFiction Episode!
« Reply #16 on: August 30, 2016, 09:20:07 AM »
Well y'all, thank you for participating! I winner has been chosen and will be announced on the (hopefully next) Happy Hour!

We of course will also post the results here. So stay tuned!

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Offline Coryn

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Re: MR Happy Hour Bleach FanFiction Episode!
« Reply #17 on: September 08, 2016, 10:50:38 PM »
Well then, the episode has been up an appropriately long time, so no spoilers to say it here now.

Congratulations Forlorn Serpent! You have won yourself a 'new' copy of Zombie Powder Volume 1!

*Confetti*

What I will need from you, is a name and mailing address. Strictly speaking, it doesn't have to be your own, if you're adverse to giving it out. I do of course promise that I will be the only one to ever see it, and that I will discard the information once I am done with it. Either way, I do need somewhere to ship it to. Please PM me your info/ any questions you may have.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

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Re: MR Happy Hour Bleach FanFiction Episode!
« Reply #18 on: September 08, 2016, 11:53:03 PM »
Wow. I didn't even think I would win.  :blush: I'll pm my deats.

Offline legomaestro

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Re: MR Happy Hour Bleach FanFiction Episode!
« Reply #19 on: February 26, 2017, 02:32:04 PM »
Review for The Captain's Dilemma

Chapter 1

1. “What are you bastards just standing around for? Let’s get this meeting in gear!” He
shouted while assuming his position.
- Hahaha I can't believe I'm a Kenpachi.


2. His only response was a dignified silence from the other captains, and the banging of the Captain Commander’s hilt against the wooden floor.
- Actions described simultaneously tend to bleed off their impact. I could say I did a backflip off a cliff while taking a selfie and whooping in joy or: He did a backflip and took a selfie.  "WHOOO" He screamed.
Not sure if that makes sense. In this case you could jump directly to The Captain Commander's Reprimand.
e.g The Captain Commander slammed the hilt of his sword against the wooden floor, "That's quite enough from you! 11th Squad Captain!"


3.  “As you are all aware, ten days ago we received a report from West Rukongai of
disappearances taking place in the outer districts. The Lieutenant of the 10th Squad, along with
a contingent of Shinigami, were sent to investigate, but have since stopped reporting in. That was two days ago. Subsequently, the reports have only intensified in number and scale.”

- It's no big sin to say 'As you are aware' But there are other ways to have this done. You could say 'On the matter of the dissapearances in the outer districts..." And then explain as a narrator what he was on about.

- 'Subsequently, the reports have only intensified feels like a mouth full. Might be better to just cut out 'Subsequently' and just say 'The dissapearances have only increased' or 'The situation has only worsened: More dissapearances have been reported''


4.   He paused for a moment to let the captains process this information.
- You might be better served by a couple of reactions from the captains. Reading an LN, it seems actually useful to make random unattributed quotes from certain captains if they had anything to say, leaving the reader to guess who said what. In any case, it works as a nice basic sample of the audience. This can even work in scenes where thousands of humans are experiencing some epic event. Giving off three to five random shouts from the crowd doesn't represent everyone, but lets the reader have a feel for what's happening, or what mood the narrator wants to convey.


5. “It was also asked that the Spiritual Wave Measurement Lab be on the lookout for any
strange readings from the area, however they are yet to detect anything unusual.”
- consider 'The Spiritual Wave Measurement Lab, however, have not detected anything unusual'. It's assumed, just like the FBI would investigate a federal crime, that the SWM investigate such an occurence, so skip over the asking bit to cut down on words.


6. ‘Kenpachi’ scoffed across the aisle at the 12th Squad’s captain. Their stature was nearly
equal, however the pale skinned man showed little response to the action beneath his flowing
blond hair.

- It's not law, but it's useful to keep an eye out for adverbs when you can. Get rid of them and aim for sentences that are more direct in describing a situation. He ate his burger quickly sounds weeker than - 'His burger vanished in four bites.' The automatic requirement to find a creative way to describe a situation without an adverb makes your writing that much more full of life. So focus on killing the adverb, and your need to fill that hole will automatica...lly improve the writing.

It's just a tip,  not a rule, as you can see haha

- Also I see Coryn-Taichou!

7.“Come on lads, no need to get like this already, we haven’t even set
out yet. Save the fighting for the bad guys!”
- It seems ridiculously fitting to have MR members as captains. We have quite the mix of quirks that makes the voices seem all the more real haha. Would love to see this animated.

8. “My name’s no’ Martin! And for the las’ time: I’ was healing
drought, not “left out rubbin’ alcohol”, as I recall you puttin’ it.”
- The Scottsman is a healer hahahaha.

9. “If that wannabe Kenpachi doesn’t fix his ways soon, we may be in for a much bigger
crisis than a few missing Shinigami.”
- Haha for some reason I thought the Captain Commander was Kyoraku still hahahaha.


Chapter 2

1. Where the residents they had passed earlier were still going about life as normal, the souls they found in each subsequent district was quieter, timid, and by the time they reached District 76, entirely absent all together.
* were  more quiet, timid

2. At once sensing what his action would be, the two captains called out at Lego together, but to little avail. The battle hungry captain was already running at full speed towards their unknown enemy.

- It would've been better to have them shouting and/or cursing at him already heading towards the enemy. Or Lego making some sort of exclamation.

- Plenty of adverbs this chapter that could be turned into something else, so focus on getting rid of as many of those. Otherwise it flowed well enough.


Chapter 3

1. After a short sprint down the road, Lego arrived at the base of a mountain path. The way forward quickly disappeared among the winding rock passage, and he studied it for just long enough that his fellow captains arrived behind him.
- From the earlier chapter I didn't get a good geographical sense that the enemy was so far off. Perhaps more description on the scale of the mountains?


2. “Oh you know, we just went out for a cheeky little walk, and what do you know? We find you here in a spot of trouble!”

- Does Cheeky walk exist? 

- I had no indicator that a Lieutenant was still out there. Did she go alone? Because the number of captains was still 12 I didn't think any hard hitters were sent out just yet.


3. “Inside. There are two left, which I believe were the leaders. They’re hold up tight inside the temple somewhere.”
- If they were fighting for four days did they set up camp somewhere or was it a back to back battle? Were they fighting in the midst of the mountains with occasional clashes, eventually leading to the temple? Unless she's decieving the Captains, I can't imagine a situation that required this amount of time and yet looks like thiss.


4. Lego grunted in reply, but pulled out a small vile and tossed it to Mahlua.
- Vail

5. “Caring for the wounded. That’s lesson number 1. Now then.”
- In battle, you win or you die!


Chapter 4
1. Above them they noted an elevated walkway carved into the stone, and most importantly, the two men standing on top of it.
*They noted an elevated walkway carved in to stone, and more importantly, the two men standing on top of it.
-  They wore white robes like the body outside, but instead of basic swords, wielded
something altogether different.

2. “Those are asauchi! Where did they even get a pair?” Exclaimed Vacant.
* consider "Those are Asauchi!" Vacant exclaimed, "Where did they even get a pair?"

3.  After a short jog, Vacant found himself in an open cavern.
- For me jogging always implied a casual non-urgent sort of running. One does not jog on the field of battle, but run through it. Just my opinion though.

4.
Pale streams of light came in from holes in the roof above them, but to his surprise, Vacant found his opponent had come to a halt, and was facing him head on.
* Pale rays of light streamed in from the holes in the roof above them. To his surprise, Vacant found his opponent had come to a halt, and was facing him head on.

- I'm not even sure the lighting is relevant at the moment, because we were interested in where his opponent was. A paragraph after the light description, and if you have to use 'but' then at least show Vacant expecting his quarry to be long gone, otherwise there is no contradiction... Er if that makes sense.

5.  “Well…” Cooed Vacant, “This just got a lot more interesting.”
- Does this mean the guy has Bankai if he released his sword without a command?

6.  “That’s really impressive friend! But you should really let your opponent introduce
themselves before attacking! It’s just good manners.”
- Troll Vacant is trolling.

7. “Good bout friend. Sorry there won’t be a rematch.”
- That is a horrifying zanpakutou.

- In terms of Bleach fights, mythology and the real world are rarely referred to to describe abilities. Flashbacks yes, interesting philosophies - My favourite being Rose's Artistry - yes, but never a relationship to some myth. Unless the myth is in the Bleachverse itself. In this way, Kubo made the abilities of the Captains both an ideological challenge to the opponent and a chance to reveal their motivations and the like. Vacant seemed pretty calm and sarcastic, so it'd be interesting to hear something else than a comparision to King Midas. Ah yes, Unohana's Bankai release was also closely related to her in all ways - She learnt how to heal because it was both destructive, and she wanted to be able to fight longer.


8. “A world without Shinigami? That is not a world I wish to see.”
- Between him hiding his blade and this comment, this fight stood out more in terms of feeling like a Bleach fight. Great action too.


Chapter 5
1. “I suppose you heard everything Milk?”
- Milk hahaha

2.    Lego roared at the sky, but stepped forward anyway. “Fine then! I’ve always wanted to
visit Hueco Mundo anyway! You bastards better not fall behind now! Milk, if you slow us down,
I won’t hesitate to make Vacant carry you. Let’s go!”
- Ikuzo!!!



Chapter 6

1. “The Seiremon is already closed. If this attack came from the outside, the damage wouldn’t have been nearly this bad.”
- Man, I forgot about the Seiremon, and how epic it was to break into Soul Society.  Good times. Good times.

2. Vacant smirked at the 2nd Squad member. “I’ll never figure out how that guy happens to
know exactly when people become available. First though, we have a Lieutenant here who could use some medical attention.”
- Oh? Whos is this epic 2nd Squad Captain haha.

3. Instead of a zanpakuto, he carried an electric guitar that he had somehow smuggled from the world of the living on his back at all times.
- Manimal looks freaking epic.

4. Manimal shrugged. “Yeah I guess so…Looks like some of the prisoners in the Nest
hatched some sort of plan to break out and stuff. I didn’t read the report but I guess they’re out
now?”
- Haha sounds just like him.


Chapter 7
1. “You’re zanpakuto, it’s already released?”
* your

2.
   “Exactly!” Exclaimed the boy. “I knew you would figure it out! Of course, the power
increases aren’t going to stop, so you’ll just have to keep hemorrhaging power until I release
you, or you reach your breaking point.”
- Nice creative power and dialogue here.

3.  Vacant found himself covered by a goodly amount of rubble, but started clearing it off with his ability.
* ungodly amount of rubble

4. “Miezarute no Funsai-mura. You’re zanpakuto is truly impressive Brutus. And I approve of your determination. So, I shall use the whole of my right hand to destroy you.”
* your zanpakuto

5. “I do hope the other captains are faring well.”
- That is a terrifying bankai

6.  “Now you know, why I am called ‘Kenpachi’.”
- All the bankai's were terrifying.

- I'm wondering why Coryn made the vow though.



Chapter 8

1. Once again the captains of the Gotei 13 found themselves assembled before the Captain
Commander. In the days after the battle they had all submitted their reports on what would be
come to known as the ‘Night of Maggot’s Dance’.
- Interesting title, I wish the whole fan fic was named that.

2. Haha I imagine No1sey being like Isshin in his pride hahahaha.

3.  Third Squad was deemed to be responsible for the destruction of Captain Vacant’s
bankai, and that their funds would be garnished as necessary to repair the damage to 8th Squad’s barracks.
* caused by Captain Vacant's bankai

4. They were united under one emotion however: Pride. They had done their duty, and protected the Soul Society. For this was the one truth that united all shinigami, and each took comfort in it.

- Nice ending there.


General Thoughts

So, earlier on this than I intended, but I did what I could and took my time to read it. The action scenes do hold up despite you saying you've lost your touch. The main thing I'd say is adverbs are killing the vibe for a lot of descriptions. Simultaneous actions also make epic scenes or certain actions less important, and unless the character has long dialogue, there seems to be some iffy formatting. But in the end I'm nit-picking on stuff like these.
When it comes to your writing, I feel like it fits the genre and niche. Reading light novels, I know how fast paced they are to be read, and even seeing YAF I know that you can still enjoy prose like that.

If your aim is heavier, richer prose though 'like a real novel' although I loathe such a term, then sure, things will need to be different. You'll need to be willing to inject a narrative spin to your stories. Something like what you had here at the ending with the pride uniting the captains, and the emotional struggle Coryn had with releasing his bankai, but a bit more than that.

For one, you should read novels that just go off the reservation and are hilarious. Consider Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency. You know that sort of wacky humour. There is actually some really good writing in that sort of humour.

Otherwise get your hands on any book  by Haruki Murakami and read it. I don't care how long it gathers dust on your shelf or how long it takes, but that's a writer that understands that deep narrative voice that takes you away and feels only like someone who is interested in relating a story, rather than trying to fit a niche of the anime manga or light novel world.

In the end, mileage is all that works, and what better way to get mileage than through fan fiction? Universe stories too are always a thing, but there's simply no way to develop a narrative voice without reading some new material, without writing some new material.

Don't underestimate poetry as well. You can be as public or private of such a thing as you want, but poetry with its rhyming and use of imagery is a great way to expand the mind when it comes to these sorts of things.
If you're more into a dryer, direct sort of writin gthen look into some hard sci fi authors like Greg Bear, Isaac Asimov and Arthur C Clarke. Short story collections by any of these sorts of authors are a god-send when it comes to learning how to narrate a story. They have very ambigious shady characters that are more observers than living human beings, but they relate interesting concepts and can really grip you. Plus they're a faster read.

That's really all I can stretch out in the way of advice and critique. I don't know how helfpul it is, but it was a fun read nevertheless. Keep writing.

P.S

I wasn't sure but I dug through the old Bleach topic where we mentioned what our Zanpaktous were and found my abilities were exactly as described. Awesomesauce!!!! Thanks man!
« Last Edit: February 26, 2017, 04:44:53 PM by legomaestro »

Offline Coryn

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Re: MR Happy Hour Bleach FanFiction Episode!
« Reply #20 on: February 26, 2017, 05:09:00 PM »
*scratches furiously at head* adverbs adverbs adverbs. I swear they're my worst habit. I need to dig up that old website that points them out to you.

Thanks for digging into it Lego. Hopefully the next chapter I release will be a little more up to snuff.

And yeah, it took some digging, but I found that old topic alright.

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Offline legomaestro

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Re: MR Happy Hour Bleach FanFiction Episode!
« Reply #21 on: February 26, 2017, 05:14:22 PM »
Ask and you shall recieve. Though it seems to have become mad and requires you to jump some paragraphs to let the top-most text show

http://www.hemingwayapp.com/

Yeah they kill me too to be honest, and they're not the word of gawd as far as it comes to fixing things, but it does make sense when you think about it.

There's going to be more releases on the Bleach Fanfic verse? Huh. Why the heck not. Might as well do it for some other manga too. I'd love to see what hijinks we'd be up to in the ninja world. And Hasith would definitely feel at home there.

(Guh. Adverb alert.)


Necromancy. It makes forums go round.

Offline Coryn

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Re: MR Happy Hour Bleach FanFiction Episode!
« Reply #22 on: February 26, 2017, 08:32:30 PM »
Maybe man. Would love to get back to this little fan fic verse sometime. I'll put it in the back pocket for when I feel a little burned out on CS.

Will review stories upon request. My latest arc: http://goo.gl/KYgsfF

Offline Coach Fro

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Re: MR Happy Hour Bleach FanFiction Episode!
« Reply #23 on: February 04, 2018, 07:53:59 PM »
Man reading your fanfic Coryn (and the other members's fanfics too of course) really brought back a lot of nostalgic memories of watching Bleach during my younger years. It really makes me miss the old bleach, before all of the filler arcs and whatnot.

I wished we would've got to see Coryn's Bankai in action, but I'm cool with how his fight turned out. Speaking of fights, a lot of these fights were well written and really captured the essence of what a Bleach fight looks and feels like. And I have to say, Vacant's zanpaktou is definitely something nasty. Scary almost.

Great work like usual Coryn! Or should I say Captain Sken of the Gotei 13? ;)

Side Note:
Spoiler
Why did you ditch the "Sken" in your name? I've been wondering that for the longest now.
Messatsu...



Offline Coryn

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Re: MR Happy Hour Bleach FanFiction Episode!
« Reply #24 on: February 04, 2018, 08:17:33 PM »
Mainly, because new people would join and always address me as "Coryn Sken" until I corrected them, and that started wearing thin at some point. Plus it's just quicker to pick up.

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Offline MahluaandMilk

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Re: MR Happy Hour Bleach FanFiction Episode!
« Reply #25 on: March 07, 2018, 04:28:57 PM »
Oh, man. Why didn't I know this was a thing? As the resident reincarnation of Soi Fon, I must...actually finish watching Bleach because I'm horrible with continuity and don't want to mess up my ideas about canon in a fanfic.

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Re: MR Happy Hour Bleach FanFiction Episode!
« Reply #26 on: March 07, 2018, 10:36:39 PM »
Good luck on that. Where did you even leave off?

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Offline MahluaandMilk

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Re: MR Happy Hour Bleach FanFiction Episode!
« Reply #27 on: March 08, 2018, 01:06:38 PM »
Right after the Bount arc. Somewhere in the 80s or 90s range episode number.

Offline Coryn

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Re: MR Happy Hour Bleach FanFiction Episode!
« Reply #28 on: March 08, 2018, 01:50:39 PM »
Oh good god, that's way early. I reiterate my "good luck" in that case.

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Re: MR Happy Hour Bleach FanFiction Episode!
« Reply #29 on: March 08, 2018, 08:23:29 PM »
The bount arc was so trash. If I had known what "Filler" was in anime when I was a kid, I would've skipped that arc entirely.

I re-watched the Ichigo vs Byakuya fight some weeks back. Real good stuff man. Really miss the early days of Bleach. Everything just felt so fun and exciting.
Messatsu...