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Offline Forlorn Serpent

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Text Me Discussion
« on: July 18, 2016, 04:45:39 AM »
Tell me what you think. You can vote for a quick reply. :thumbsup:

If you vote "no", when you have time please come back to explain why. A short sentence will be enough but a long explanation will be appreciated. 
« Last Edit: July 19, 2016, 07:22:33 AM by Forlorn Serpent »

Offline IHeXeDI

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Re: Text Me Discussion
« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2016, 02:23:53 PM »
Since I read your Chapter it is only fitting to critique. I do not know much about writing or if my information will be useful but I will try to keep it organized and hopefully insightful for you ^^

Content (How I felt about the Chapter and it's contents)

Overall I find this to be fairly well written when viewed from the point of a beginning chapter. There isn't really a conflict or event to give the reader an idea of what kind of story this is going to be so maybe prolouge is a better choice? It seems to mainly be giving the reader some basic insight on the character and the few other characters around them. I enjoyed how descriptive you were even though I felt there were moments where the reader was left to imagine how the panels would play out. For example, as an artist, when I read:

SHOP OWNER, a snotty forty year old woman, comes out of the entrance.
   "I told you to leave. No loitering on my premises"

I imagine, from just this small section, multiple panels. In my head I see (I will start from the panel before):

Panel- I see Genie placing her face against the shop window, we can see the clothes she is admiring as well as the shopkeeper in the distance helping a customer.

Panel- Shopkeeper notices genie with her face pressed against the window and politely asks the customer to wait -no actual dialogue just the proper hand movements/body language in my mind, since genie cannot hear her from outside-

Panel- We see a view of the door being opened in a huff

Panel - Genie looks towards the door "!" -idk lol-

Panel - Upset looking shopkeeper
           "I told you to leave. No loitering on my premises!"

Panel - Genie looks disappointed, maybe a little embarrassed to be shooed off. We see her leave as the angry Shopkeep watches her go."

Ah I wish I was better at expressing myself with words, I hope this is written adequately to at least give you the general idea. This kind of writing, where it can be split up into more panels in the reader's mind, is not a bad thing. It is very good that I can clearly imaging the situation. As long as you are fine with the artist having some creative freedom over the body language of the characters the end result should be fine. Alot of the attitude in your script is decided by the language and not clearly stated the kind of body language that the particular character would use.

I feel like in this Chapter there are enough questions presented for the reader to want to continue reading. For example, I would like to know more about the accident she was in. How did she get the scar? I would like to see how her relationship with Rebecca plays out and learn more about her relationship with Sylvia.

It is not an entirely entertaining script as it is just the beginning of the story but it is written in a style that I would enjoy continuing to read.

I felt a bit awkward when reading some of the NPC's. The waiter was alright, mainly the feel of awkwardness came from the teacher. His dialogue is very abrupt feeling to me but it could just be personal preference on my part.


I will try to point out the ones I noticed. Hopefully it isn't a British/American comparison that I make XD I will try to keep these corrections to mistakes that I found mainly in the Dialogue, since that is the section that the average reader would notice mistakes in.

Number 1 (could be the way she talks, ignore if so) Page 3, Sylvia. "I'll have a apple martini." ... "a" should be "an".

Number 2 (could also be the way she speaks) Page 3, Sylvia. "We can go shopping. Maybe we can buy you some more flattering clothes." In both parts I feel that "Could" instead of "Can" would feel more comfortable to read.

Number 3. Page 3, Genie. "Are we going to prey or something?" "Prey" should be "Pray"

Number 4. Page 3, Sylvia. "What? No. I don' bother with that." Did you forget the "t" in "Don't"?

Number 5 (This one is preference and can be ignored if you like) Page 4, Rebecca. "Always when I need it the most." Feels bland. "Always when I need it the most..." Has more character.

Number 6. Page 4, Rebecca. "I forgot to give you your pencil. I would have give in it back sooner but you finished the test before I did." ... Preference for this first part "I forgot to give you your pencil back."  the second part, though, is an actual error. "Give in" should be "Given"

Number 7 (not too important"  Page 5, Genie. "I have to go to another class, but we can meet up soon.     You forgot to close her sentence with the quotation marks.

And those are all the errors that popped out to me, most I believe are just preference. Speaking of preference... for a long while Genie does not capitalize her messages when she types. I took this as the way she types but suddenly once she is at the school she begins capitalizing them more often.

Well... I hope this critique was helpful >.< I am not very knowledgeable in this area but I try.

Offline Forlorn Serpent

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Re: Text Me Discussion
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2016, 02:52:03 PM »
thanks for the overall critique. About the errors, the spelling and grammar errors are obviously errors.  :thumbsup:

Keep in mind the genre. It is a drama, slice of life story. I think it would have been better to state it is not flashy at all.  However, since you said it wasn't entertaining, i will rewrite it so it at least tries to be.

I know a lot of people don't have experience with reading screenplays. But this is actually how much i am suppose to describe. That is why no one reads screenplays as an actual format for entertainment. As the writer, i write up the scene. It is up to the artist, storyboarder, cinematographer, and director to create the lense of what is suppose to be seen. My rule of thumb is that the action lines roughly equal one panel, which sometimes include the dialogue. However, sometimes a single action line can be divided up into several panels.

I guess this doesn't really work out as a VN. Correct me if i am wrong but Visual Novels are just pop ups of characters in front of scenery while they talk? I guess my scenes would look awkward. I thought it would work because, you know, you actually read text messages.  :tongue:. oh well.

ABout the conflict, she is trying to make friends in a new country.  I thought i was clear without being obvious but of course that is probably because it's in my head, not in the audience. EEK, okay, back to the rewriting part of this story. 

Either way, I don't have experience writing VN scripts but i can learn quickly. From what i can tell, it is mostly dialogue with face reactions. (quick image google search).  I will still be available to help you in any way i can.
« Last Edit: August 17, 2016, 02:56:35 PM by Forlorn Serpent »