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Author Topic: Jip-See  (Read 412 times)

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Offline Ramellion

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Jip-See
« on: July 24, 2016, 07:32:27 PM »
Hey guys, I just thought I would place chapter one for my manga idea here. I'm still looking for an artist but I refuse to wait in the meantime. I would like my work to be critiqued and what better place is there to do that than MangaRaiders  ;) So here's my written script and page-by-page breakdown of the chapter. Please writers, feel free to let me know what's wrong, be brutal, that's the only way we can ever improve to the standards that are expected of us  :thumbsup:

Written Script

Spoiler
A massive warship on the beach. Its use has been long spent, an almost invincible foe on water is a complete mockery of the military when it’s on land. All doors rusted shut and no obvious entrance inside, it remains on the island, derelict and abandoned for what looks to be at least a few decades, maybe more. A part of the warship begins to move, upon closer inspection, a hut has been cleverly disguised at the foot of the ship, and its occupant enters the sea air. Jip, hurling a crab across the sandy beach, he yawns and holds his stomach, he hasn’t eaten since midday yesterday. Jip, with no known last name, not even sure if Jip is his first name, is an orphan who has lived on this island since he could remember. Parents left him behind through unusual circumstances which he vaguely remembers. He just remembers being alone, he remembers that feeling a little too well. He brushes his emotions aside and goes into the town to do the only thing that he knows best, survive. He begs for a couple of hours, enduring the mocking of the towns people as he humbles himself, ‘Hey, there’s that kid again… What a waste of space… How can he be so dirty when we live on an island…I understand why his parents abandoned him’. The words cut so deep his eyes become blurry. But he won’t let them see it, they won’t see even one crystal fall from his eyes, these people thrive on it. He won’t let it overcome him, he’ll just wait until an opportune time. Shame aside, he received a few coins, then he moved onto his next endeavour. Helping a man with his bird cages for an extra coin, and slips his hand into the purse of a few people who were mocking him for a few coins more, peaceful revenge he calls it. He stands alone on the street corner, looking at his bloodied hands,
‘Yes, I have enough’ he says as he runs off to the town’s inn. The island and the town are small, with good people in short supply. So when you find someone who is genuinely nice, cherish them, with your life, they might just save yours. In the rundown inn, Jip weaves through a small crowd of people to get to the kitchen, where he finds the cook battling with the stove,
‘Hi Josie’ his eyes light up at the sight of Josie, a woman, well advanced in years, who helped him when he was on the brink of death due to starvation. She is the only woman he cherishes,
‘Good afternoon Jip, the usual?’
‘Yes please!’ he replies. The stove continues to bubble over the blazing fire, and steam rises from the pots, with a few spins of a ladle, Josie has the pots under control again, where she then shovels out some spoonfuls into a bowl. Celery soup, not Jip’s favourite but it’ll keep him alive. Josie slips in an extra piece of celery,
‘Ok, here you go Jip. And just for you, I added an extra piece of celery’
‘Thanks Josie, you’re the best!!’ He lights up even more at the extra piece of celery, his rates of survival are increased,
‘Now run along now, before someone sees what I’ve done and starts to complain’ Josie’s loving care breaks Jip’s daze and he quickly runs out. No matter how much he secretly loves Josie as a mother figure, survival has to be prioritised over love unfortunately. He leaves the inn with his arms wrapped around his bowl and spoon. Slipping through the busy crowd of people, he finds a quiet spot aside from the moving horse and carriages, away from all the hateful people. He begins to devour his soup alone.
   With his bowl empty, and his stomach full, Jip looks at the sky and ponders his life. The sky merges with his memories and he begins to remember his last recalled moments with his parents. It’s a cool summers day and Jip is playing with his toys in the garden of his family’s house by the beach. He was 4 years of age, and his childhood innocence affects his memory, but he remembers the breeze gently kissing his youthful face, the horse eating hay by the side of the house, and the two opposing figures that can be seen in the window of the house. From this peaceful setting comes a crashing sound, screams and the sounds of frantic movement as Jip’s mother bundles out of the house, puts him on the horse, and rides away with him. He could just picture together the fragments of his father, memory failing so that he is only seen as a dark silhouette, standing at the doorway of the house, looking on. Jip’s first ride on a horse is an absolute blur, and the next thing he remembers is the stone steps of the orphanage. His mother and the owner of the orphanage converse, but he can’t figure out what they’re saying, either they were mumbling or it was just his childhood innocence removing the conversation for his sake. The woman nods, and takes Jip from his mother’s arms. Only then does he truly realise what is happening. He begins to scream and shout for his mother, squirming and wriggling in the arms of this unknown stranger until he manages to worm his way around to look back at the woman who was abandoning him. She was looking at the sky. Her white dress had an unusual red stain on the middle of it, and Jip couldn’t understand why. For a brief moment which felt like an eternity, mother exchanged glances with her son. The calm, peaceful look of the mother connecting with the desperate gaze of her son. Her look almost warmed him, as she stretched out her feeble and bloodied hand towards him, he was then brought inside the house, and the door closed. He then remembered his mother’s hand, and then saw the red mark on his cheek, he then touched his cheek as the flashback ended with him touching his cheek, with him finding dirt rather than blood. Jip cannot help but grimace at the pain he feels inside of his heart. His mother, gone. Never came back. Never coming back. Jip was still pondering on his lack of a mother when a horse and carriage veered off the road onto the pavement in line with him. The screeching of the carriage took him away from feeling sorry for himself and back to the most important thing, survival. He instantly dropped his bowl from his hand, and plunged himself into an alley away from the carriage. As the carriage passed by, the crushing of the wooden bowl could be heard throughout the whole street, attempting to avoid detection and repulsion from the public now looking in his direction, he decided to walk down the alley, ‘I’d have to apologise to Josie later for not returning the bowl’ thought Jip as he began to analyse the alley. Although he thought he surveyed and checked the whole island for its advantages and disadvantages when he was much younger. He had never seen this alley before. It must have slipped his notice was the thought that passed his mind as he was analysing this new and uncharted territory that he had just found. The alley was dirty and the walls were covered with posters which Jip had never seen before. He tried to understand what they said but he was having trouble because he never learnt to read properly at the orphanage, ‘Ber… Bur.. Me… Something ne… Nuud…Ni’ as he was fighting with literature, he heard rustling at the entrance of the alley. Jip turned to face the sound to then find three figures advancing in his direction. Survival instincts initiated instantly, he ran to the other end of the alley for a way out. Rumours had spread of these sightings throughout the island, mysterious beings or ‘aliens’ who kidnapped the inhabitants of the island, experimented on them, mutated and mutilated them, and left their destroyed and hideous bodies for everyone to see. Jip refused to be their latest victim. He ran as fast as he could to the other end of the alley to find no exit. Could his curiosity be the death of him? He looked earnestly around the alley as the figures slowly pursued him. No doors, no ladders, no hope. As desperation started to sink into his poor mind, he then saw a last ditch solution, a window latch. With all his strength, jip jumped onto the window latch and attempted to climb up the window in an attempt to climb to the top of the building. As he grabbed onto the latch of the window and began his climb upward, a hairy paw clasped over his mouth and dragged him away from the window. Knowing that he may not live if he didn’t escape, Jip began to kick, scream, bite, punch, and elbow his captors but it was all to no avail, it was useless. One of the captors produced a rag and placed it on his mouth. Believing it to be poison, Jip screamed even harder, until he started to lose his bearings, his vision blurry, and his eyelids became heavy with drowsiness.
    Light. Explodes out of the darkness. Jip attempts to adjust to his surroundings. Is he dead? Has he been experimented on? Is he now an alien? Questions flooded his mind as he tried to take in the new situation. When his eyes adjusted to the strong light that was hanging directly above him, he then recognised that he was tied to a table, and the figures were still around, hidden in the darkness. He tried to break free but the light made him more and more disorientated, so he decided to close his eyes hoping it would help him focus. While struggling with his restraints, pain shattered through the darkness of his closed eyes, causing him to scream in agony and pain. He was injected with something, and by the moment he opened his eyes, the liquid in the syringe was gone, already passing through his bloodstream. The pain was excruciating, and only grew as the liquid passed through his body. Jip continued to scream in agony until his brain could no longer support the pain he was receiving, and he passed out from the shock.
   Waves. Crashing on the shore. Blurry vision that comes when one wakes from a dream. Recognising himself to be on a beach, the warship reflecting the moonlight on its rusted metal. Weak, tired, confused, Jip tried to piece together the events of what happened when he was last conscious, separating the truths from the lies. Whilst filtering the facts, a sharp pain comes to his mind when he thinks about the injection he received. Jip looked at his arm with fear of what he might see. The resemblance of a scar in the moonlight greets him, the actual definitions of it he cannot make out because of the lack of light. Well at least I’m not dead comes into Jip’s mind as he got up and attempted to find his hut in the dead of night. After an hour of walking, he finally reached the ship. He looked into the hut and around it out of fear of seeing those aliens again. When he didn’t see them, he took a sigh of relief, and fell on top of the hut, destroying it under his weight. While he laid there under the stars, he constantly thought to himself, what did they do to me? What will happen next? Will I die? Am I already dead? These thoughts kept passing through his weak mind until he drifted off into a weary sleep.

Page-By-Page Breakdown

Spoiler
Page 1: Full page drawing of German Warship crashed on an island left desolate
•   White-tailed tropicbirds flying overhead
•   Sea crashing on the shore of the beach
•   Wind blowing the warship, moss and seaweed moving in the breeze
SFX: Waves crashing on the shore, Birds tweeting in the air
Page 2: Zoom in towards a hut near the debris left by the crashed ship, debris ruffles and Jip emerges from the makeshift hut, dirty and hungry
•   Hut begins to shake as it zooms in
•   A crab is thrown out of the hut before Jip emerges
SFX: Sound of something being flung out of the hut, the sound of a blanket rustling, Jip’s stomach grumbling
Jip yawns, thinks ‘what am I going to do today?’
Page 3: Jip enters the town looking for ways to fill his hunger, he attempts begging, helping people, and stealing which allows him to make just enough money for what he wants
•   Jip walks into the town holding his stomach, places a rag on the floor and sits motionless with his hands outstretched, he is mocked by some passers by
•   He helps someone put five caged birds onto their wagon and is paid one coin
•   He then sneaks behind the people that mocked him previously, and slips his hand into their purses and takes two coins
•   When Jip looks at the money, his hands are filthy, bruised and cut
SFX: Carriages passing by, incoherent chatter, market noises
Passers-by (different people): Hey, there’s that kid again… What a waste of space… How can he be so dirty when we live on an island…I understand why his parents abandoned him
Jip: Hey sir let me help you
Man: Don’t worry child I don’t need help from the likes of you
Man: Oh alright then, take some coins boy
Jip: Thank you sir
Page 4: He goes to the cook who works at the inn, and purchases celery soup, feeling sympathetic, the cook gives him an extra piece of celery
•   The inn is rundown, full of drunkards and loud women, Jip slips through these people to get to the back
•   The kitchen is a room with a fridge, a stove, and worktops
•   There is a big pot on the stove which is cooking the celery soup
•   The room is also rundown and dirty, mouse droppings are visible and mouse runs across the counter when Jip is there
SFX: Pot hissing, stove rumbling
Jip: Hi Josie
Josie: Good afternoon Jip, the usual
Jip: Yes please
Josie: Ok, here you go Jip. And just for you, I added an extra piece of celery
Jip: Thanks Josie, you’re the best!!
Josie: Now run along now, before someone sees what I’ve done and starts to complain
Page 5: Jip takes his food to a quiet place away from the busy people, the market stalls and the horses and eats in silence
•   All of the busy people are seen from a distance
•   Jip devours the soup in a few spoonful’s
•   Jip sits back and watches the busy people passing by, not noticing him at all
SFX: Carriages passing, incoherent chatter, market noises
Page 6: Jip begins to ponder his loneliness and begins to think about the family he never had
•   Jip looks at the empty bowl and looks at the sky
•   The sky begins to shift into the flashback
Page 7: Flashback on Jip’s childhood, showing him playing in a garden
•   Jip is in the front of a house that is equivalent to a beach house
•   Jip is playing in the grass, alone in silence
•   There is a horse tied to the side of the house
SFX: Birds chirping, the horse neighing
Page 8: Jip’s parents appear to be arguing inside the house, a table is broken and Jip’s mother runs out of the house
•   Have a shot over Jip’s shoulder showing the house
•   Inside the window of the house you see two silhouettes of the parents arguing
•   House reverberates, and the mother flees soon after
Small fragments of words: It’s all your fault… Don’t touch me…. You’re not going anywhere!
Page 9: Jip’s mother picks him up, places him on a horse, and flees from the house with the horse while the father stands at the doorway of the house (Dark silhouette)
•   Mother picks Jip up from the grass, leaving his toys behind
•   Jip is moved from the grass to the horse very quickly
Jip: Mother, where are we going?
Mother: Don’t worry son, it’ll all be better soon.
Page 10: Mother takes Jip up the steps of an orphanage and knocks the door, a lady opens the door, sees the mother and takes Jip from her
•   Mother gets off the horse with Jip in her arms
•   She struggles to hold him and he slips from her grasp, sliding down to her side where she regains her hold of him, and lifts him back up, grimacing as she does this
•   Long stone path leading to the orphanage
•   Orphanage looks old but is well kept
•   The door is wooden
•   A middle-aged lady in her 50’s opens the door
•   The two exchange glances, they both nod and the lady picks Jip up
Mother and the woman speak but Jip does not understand what is going on and therefore doesn’t hear the words said
Page 11: As Jip is being picked up and taken away from his mother he begins to fight and squirms so that he can look in his mother’s direction, she has a big blood stain on her side
•   When Jip looks at his mother, she is holding her side and looking to the sky
•   She then looks at her son and stretches a hand towards him with a blood covered hand, forces a smile
Jip: Mum, mama, mum, Mother!!!
Page 12: Jip looks at the side of his cheek, sees the blood and touches it. The flashback ends, and Jip is sitting, touching his cheek
•   Jip fights to see his mother, when he loses sight of her, he sees the sky which leads to the flashback ending
Jip Sighs (The pain is evident on his face)
Page 13: As he is sitting away from the commotion, he is surprised to see a horse and carriage has veered onto the pavement to get away from the traffic, and Jip makes a frantic effort to escape the vehicle
•   The horse and carriage rocks from side to side as it veers onto the pavement
•   The horse and carriage increases in speed as it reaches Jip
•   Jip flips the bowl from himself and throws himself into the alleyway
SFX: The carriage screeching onto the pavement
Page 14: Jip dives into an alleyway that is covered with posters from the first exile (Posters similar to WWII, speaking about how the country is the only habitable place left on earth) his curiosity gets the better of him and he starts to walk down the alley and attempts to read the posters (He hasn’t been taught literacy properly)
•   The alleyway is narrow and full of posters
•   Posters overlap each other, are torn, or weather damaged
SFX: Sound of the carriage narrowly missing Jip
Page 15: While attempting to read the poster, Jip hears rustling behind him and sees three tall figures moving towards him, he runs down the alleyway
•   The poster that Jip looks at is similar to the WWII poster that says ‘Britain needs you!!’
•   Shadow starts to cover Jip as he attempts to read
Jip: Ber…Bah…Moo…Da…Ne…Needsa… Huh?
Page 16: Jip reaches the end of the alley, and realises that it’s a dead-end, he then starts to look around desperately for a way out and finds a window latch
•   In the corner of the alley, he finds a mutilated body in the corner of the alley
Page 17: Jip starts to climb the window when one of the figures grabs him. While he is struggling in his grip, one of the other figures places an ether drenched rag over his face and he falls unconscious, with the last thing he sees is the three figures standing over him.
•   Have a shot from above Jip as he attempts to climb the window of the building
Jip: Let go of me!!! Let g-
Page 18: Jip wakes up chained to an operating table, he tries to break free but cannot. Blinded by the light above him, he tries to break free with his eyes closed, when he is injected with something in his arm, he screams from the pain and passes out from shock.
•   Jip wakes up in a hospital theatre room, where the only light is the light above his operating table
•   The syringe is seen piercing through the darkness, causing him to open his eyes in shock at the pain
Jip: Let… Let me go. Why are you doing this to- AHHHH!!
Page 19: Jip then wakes up on the beach not far from the warship, nauseous and weak. He looks at his arm and sees a horrible scar where he was injected, suggesting that his body reacted to whatever he was injected with.
•   Waves calmly crashing on the beach
•   It’s in the moonlight
•   Birds laying on the sea
Jip grunts and murmurs as he wakes up

Page 20: Jip trudges back to his hut near the warship, looks around for any dangers, and then falls into the hut, caving in the roof, and passes out while looking at the stars.
•   Heavy footprints left in the sand
•   Jip drags his legs across the beach
•   Jip briskly looks around and inside his hut, stands up straight and then falls on the hut
•   Jip looks at the stars wondering what will happen to him
Jip thinks: The aliens… The aliens got me… Just like the others on the island… I may not live…to see… Tomorrow…
They're not that different from you, are they? Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils... Seize the day, make your lives extraordinary!

Offline Ramellion

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Jip-See Chapter 1
« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2017, 07:11:32 AM »
After a VERY long time, I've come back to make some changes to my first chapter. I've decided to use the previous chapter as a flashback chapter, explaining my character's origins.

So, Here is the new first chapter:
 
Spoiler
It’s a cool summer’s day on the isle of Caicos, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and a father and his child share a calm and gentle walk along the silver sand of the beach. The fine sand disperses under each step the two make to leave a moulded footprint in their wake. The pair stop near the pier and walk to the edge overlooking the sea. The wind whistles through the child’s hair and the father’s unbuttoned shirt as they stand on the pier. They take in the view of the sea and the beach, leaving them in awe of its beauty. As the fresh sea breeze continues to whistle in the air, the boy looks up at his father, battling with the wind and the waves trying to ask a question,

“Dad! Is there anything else beyond the sea?”

The father turns to look at his son, goes close to his ear and replies,

“Yes there is son, but there’s nothing worthwhile there.”

“Why?? What happened??”

While this question was being asked, the father decided to sit down on the edge of the pier knowing that he would need some time to explain everything. The boy followed his father and sat beside him, with his feet swinging above the calm waves as he patiently waited for his father’s answer. The man took a moment to inhale the sea breeze and then began,

“Well, over a hundred and seventy five years ago, there was a nuclear apocalypse. Opposing nations that were very strong destroyed each other one nuke at a time, until there was no civilisation left. We were the last ones to survive, some stragglers aboard a submarine while the destruction took place. I say we, but I should say our ancestors, it’s been seven generations now. The submarine was destined for the Caribbean for a holiday trip when the radar could not find anything anymore. Searching for a sanctuary, the inhabitants were stranded for weeks on end when something finally appeared on the radar. A random island in the middle of nowhere, free from the nuclear fallout.-“

“What’s a nuclear fallout dad?”

“That’s the debris that falls out of the sky when a nuclear bomb explodes son. As I was saying, they sailed to the only sanctuary left on Earth, found the radiation levels to be low and so that’s where they settled and that’s where we are today. So there’s nothing beyond the sea, just destroyed lands, and cockroaches.”

“What’s a cockroach dad?”

“I have no idea son, that’s what granddad said to me when I asked him that question.”

“Ok.”

“Anyway we should be heading home, it’s starting to get dark”

The two begin to rise up from the edge of the pier and start to walk back to the beach.

The silver sands of the beach have turned gold due to the setting sun, the tide remained unchanged and the breeze was still whistling through the air as the pair walked back home. While they were walking along the beach, a group of people could be seen in the distance, huddled together. The father could not make out who they were but immediately became cautious as they were on his path home. As he got closer to the group, the more he could understand what was going on. The noises, the organisation, the stance. They were people from a faction, or at least faction boys thought the father. The island of Caicos is split into five factions: Bellum, Pacem, Mediocris, Fero, and Celer. The inhabitants of the island have no idea what it means but there are noticeable traits that distinguish each faction. If a person is not a part of any faction they are simply a neutral unless they go through a trial to join which varies between factions. From the circle of people a man emerged from the centre looking straight at the father,

“You there!! Are you part of a faction?!?”

The father put his hands in the air whilst shaking his head at the man. The man, whose skin was darkened due to extensive time both in the sun and dirt, shook his head in discontent and returned to his circle of people as the pair continued on their journey.

The Bellum faction was never to be trifled with. Only the strong were called to a trial and only the strongest could enter the fold. Today’s test was the first of a series of tests for the potential new recruits. The test in itself was simple: knock your enemy out of the ring. The group of young men were halted by an unexpected arrival but now they could begin again, and as the circle began to sway into motion, a person soon fell out of the human-made arena and into the sand. The youth was of a bulky build and appeared to be very capable when it came to hand to hand combat. The fact that he was knocked out of bounds was believable, but the person responsible for that feat created an aura of uncertainty amongst the youths. While the bulky lad looked up from the sand, a small young boy stood opposite him. His dark skin glistening in the setting sun, the silver sand encrusted into his firm swaying locks, and his slender build positioned into a makeshift fighting stance.

Jip knew he could overcome his opponent with ease, he just did not believe that he would draw so much attention to himself in doing so. Jip had a special talent which no one truly knew about, he could sense the bodily functions of not only himself, but everyone around him. He could detect their heartbeat, muscles contracting or relaxing, hormones passing through the body and so on. He could not only detect this in himself and others, but he is also able to control his own bodily functions, controlling every aspect of his body. This gift allowed him to always sense his surroundings. He could always know if he was being deceived, which was something that happened often on the island, or if he was imminent danger. This gift had saved his life more times than he could remember and although he could not completely use it, he was grateful for it even though it came through unusual circumstances.
While in the arena the bulky lad, whose name was Steven, stood opposite Jip. He laughed at his supposed luck to get the smallest recruit there. Even the instructors thought that it was not fair for that pair to be drawn but that is the fate of battle, you can always be placed in seemingly unfair situations. While Steven prepared himself and began to approach Jip briskly, Jip could sense everything around him. The fear of the other recruits, the adrenaline beginning to rise, and the lack of care from the instructors. While sensing he could also hear the slight tightening of the muscles in Steven’s right arm as he was approaching. Sensing this, Jip gradually shifted his body to the left and followed through with a slight dip to dodge the passing arm of Steven and gave him a slight left-handed jab in his rib cage as he passed him. Steven gave a slight grimace to the pain and began to advance again, a little quicker this time. This time, muscles in both arms began to tighten and his stature was lowering while he was approaching Jip. While analysing the situation, Jip gathered that he was trying to grab him and judging from his size, he would be in a bit of a predicament if he allowed that to happen. Not wasting any time, Jip stepped back with his left foot and lifted himself several feet into the air. While in the air, he swung his right foot at Steven and caught him right in the jaw projecting him outside of the arena and into the sand, crashing out of consciousness. As Jip landed after spending what seemed to be an eternity in the air, he began to organise his locks and could sense that the emotions around him had changed to a euphoria of fear and surprise. Steven was only knocked out for a few seconds and was now coming to his senses while everyone else was still processing what they had just seen. Jip remained still as the crashing waves broke the silence. Realising he had won, Jip brushed the sand off his face and began to look for his instructor in the wall of men so he could move to the next stage. After a few moments had passed and Steven had left the beach, the person in charge of recruitment, a small stout man who only goes by the name chief, raised his hand in the air and beckoned everyone to continue and for Jip to wait. As the fight began again, candidates got thrown out of the arena more frequently as time passed and they got more fatigued. Jip remained standing with his hands by his side, waiting for his moment to shine again. It wouldn’t be much longer until he was able to showcase his abilities again. He was excited, a feeling he hadn’t felt in a long time if at all.

After Five minutes had passed all of the fights had been completed, with the victors waiting for the next challenge and the vanquished returning home. On to the next round of the trial thought Jip as Chief stepped forward from the other men and bellowed, 

“Men- Boys!! You have experienced victory! But winning the battle does not mean you have won the war!! We now go onto the next round! I will show you your next opponent!”

Everyone simply got the person who had passed the trial after them, and as there was thirty boys to start with and now it was fifteen, the extra person was added to the first pair. Jip was the person to be handicapped due to him passing first. While everyone felt relief that they did not pass the trial first, Jip felt even further excitement at the fact that he could challenge himself even more and show everyone there that he was of a different calibre to the other recruits.

As all of the recruits positioned themselves to begin the next round, Jip could not contain his excitement and a wry smile crept onto his face which angered his opponents, sensing the hormones rising in their blood stream as they looked at him. Good, thought Jip. That means they’ll fight even better. While the thought passed through his mind Chief lifted up his hand to begin the next round. Jip’s two opponents, one another muscular youth that went by the name Cal, the other a very slim and tall youth called Frederick. At the signal of Chief, the two began to cautiously advance on Jip’s position. Even being outnumbered, Jip felt at an advantage due to his gift. He felt no fear whatsoever as he knew exactly when and where his opponents would attack. As Cal advanced and attempted to grab Jip so he could be vulnerable to an attack, Jip noticed his muscles tensing and stepped away from him. Immediately he heard Frederick’s tightening muscles as he came from his blind spot in an attempt to catch him off guard. Always being one step ahead, Jip allowed Frederick to get closer and grabbed his arm that was primed to attack and sent his body in Cal’s direction. Cal, who had immediately attempted to follow Jip after he had shuffled away, was met with a slender missile aimed straight for his stomach. After Frederick and Cal collided, Jip proceeded to pick up Frederick and launch him out of the arena and cascading into the sand. While watching the missile crashing into the sand admiring the beauty of the barbaric act, Jip could just sense tightened muscles closing in on his head. Breaking away from his trance and remembering where he was, Jip realised that he had no time to look back at Cal and immediately decided to duck. Just as he lowered his body, a clenched fist shot over his head at a deadly speed which would have knocked him out cold if it had connected with the back of his head. After dodging that deadly blow, Jip then swept his leg behind him and dropped Cal to the floor, leaving him astonished. While Cal’s mind began to settle down to what had just happened, just like the sand was settling on the beach, Jip got ready to deliver the final blow when he was distracted by a noise in the distance. A trumpet was being sounded in the distance. This was not an ordinary sound. It was the sound of a faction, and a different faction to the one that he was attempting to join. Everyone stopped to look into the distance, the sand was slowly covered by a shade of blue and as it got closer to the group. It soon became obvious who was approaching. The Pacem faction were not known for violence outside of their territory and were known to keep the peace between the other factions, so these actions were unusual. The head of the group was moderately young, in his late teens. A faction member looking to earn his stripes. His dark brown hair turned bronze in the sunset as he walked towards the group. When they had reached a suitable distance from them, they stopped walking accompanied with the abrupt halt of the trumpets, thus plummeting the beach into a thick silence. Jip stood there wondering what was going to happen next. Fear was so pungent in the silence that Jip could almost taste it in the air. The leader of the group scanned over everyone, one by one, and when he had decided that the group was worthy of a challenge he stepped forward. The group were on top of a dune, and the leader glistened in the dimming sunlight like an angel in the midst of encroaching darkness. With the breeze blowing through his hair, he began to state his challenge,

“My name is Ted O’Hare and I am from the Pacem Faction! I am an experienced recruit who wants to move up in the ranks. I don’t really care what I have to do, so I want to test my strength right now! Who wishes to challenge me!!?”

After finishing his short speech, Ted began to slide down the dune whilst his entourage remained motionless. As he surfed the sandy waves, Chief walked past all of the instructors to meet the young upstart with a fire in his eyes, the fire of war. Jip was unsure of what was going to happen, but he was definitely excited. The fire of experience versus the fire of youth, Chief versus the unknown Ted. The wind rushed across the beach and across the two who would fight not just for their faction, but for their honour. Looking at each other in the tense silence, both acknowledging the opposite was their opponent, Chief began to step towards the young intruder...

They're not that different from you, are they? Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils... Seize the day, make your lives extraordinary!

Offline suupertramp

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Re: Jip-See
« Reply #2 on: November 01, 2017, 11:46:53 AM »
nice to see you back :)
a fairly enjoyable read. i found the fight paragraphs too blocky to read easily, it might be better if they were broken down a bit like the rest.
liked the cockroach dialogue :P

Offline Ramellion

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Re: Jip-See
« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2017, 09:06:42 AM »
Ok thank you for the feedback, I appreciate it! I will definitely take that into consideration in the next chapter.  :thumbsup:
They're not that different from you, are they? Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils... Seize the day, make your lives extraordinary!