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Author Topic: Too much for PM  (Read 3122 times)

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Offline Bito916

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Re: Too much for PM
« Reply #15 on: August 03, 2016, 11:41:50 AM »
Hello MR! I got some more stuff that is ready for you guys to review if you have the chance:3 Im working in it but moving on to get the story down before I forget it all so let me know how this first draft is!:3


Sancto Ferio: Holy Fist
Umidus Scuti: Shield made of Ice designed for phisical impacts.

Spoiler
“Excuse me, Chief Vulcana!” A young apprentice addressed a woman, “You have somebody who wishes to speak to you!” Bowing her head she waited for her elders response.
“Thank you Marisol, carry on.” Vulcana thanked the girl genuinely, “Make sure you’re staying hydrated, and give the others a break. It’s a hot one today aint it?” She stood up and walked over to the two from her smelting station and bench.
“Yes ma’am!”  Marison responded before turning to step out of the stone hut, but hesitated as she stared at Bito for a few moments.
“Something wrong?” Vulcana asked in a humourless tone, she placed her arm on Bito and turned her head slightly as she looked at the apprentice.
“No ma’am.” She responded before turning and quickly walking away.

“Well Bito how can I help you?” Vulcana wiped dust off Bito’s clothes and smiled down at him.
“ Degan sent me to ask about getting more of his bullets,” Bito answered dusting himself off as well, now that she was doing it.
“More?” Vulcana asked loudly and standing up, “ What does that man do with them?”
“Target practice?” Bito shrugged at her sudden mood change, then he remembered and reached into his pocket, “Wait, he asked me to give you this too.” He produced the gem from his jacket and handed over to Vulcana, but she hesitated.
“Yes...Thank you Bito,” Vulcana quickly snatched the gem and shoved it into her pocket, “Tell him I can have a few ammo boxes ready by next week. Do you need anything?”
“What do you mean?” Bito asked confused.
“Handgun, Sword,” Vulcana reached over to grab an oversized, heavy hammer, “I prefer a hammer, it allows me to store a great amount of energy and utilize it in one strike if I choose to.” She demonstrated by striking the dense floorings, sparks jumped up and them she laughed, and leaned against the hammer.
“No thanks, I think I'm alright for now,” Bito awkwardly rejected being handed the hammer, and slightly bowing his head subconsciously.
“Well do not hesitate to ask, little one,” She placed her large hand on his head, “ First weapon’s on me,” Vulcana winked before turning back to work. “Let Degan know I’ll get working on them, he should have them in a couple of days.”
“Thank you, have a nice day,” Bito politely turned around and walked out.
“Be Careful Bito,”  Vulcana sighed under her breath.


     Bito walked down the dirt road more carefree and observed the clouds and birds pass by overhead, he refused to acknowledge the paranoid stares that were aimed at him. The sandy ground slowly turned to soil the more Bito walked and eventually he reached a hill that had patches of dirt leading up and over, and when Bito reached the top, he saw a grassy hillside leading to trees. This was familiar to Bito as he jumped off the peak of the sand pile into the grass, a slight purple glow appeared under his shoes, but Bito was focused on riding the hill onto a ramp. He sped up and snatched a long skinny stalk with a bright red bulb on the end, flailing in the wind, Bito launched off the ramp aiming at the tree line. He flipped over mid air, looking down he dangled the bulb and laughed as cats jumped up trying to catch it.
As he rolled and landed he looked over his shoulder and saw the cats rushing towards him,” Nyaa!!”
Playfully Bito rushed into the forest and trailed the bulb behind him, he sprinted a tree and hopped up a thick branch. The cats clawed their way up as well and jumped after Bito as he leapt towards another tree. A river could heard not far from the small group, as soon as  Bito dropped to the riverside he flipped to the other side. The cats walked back and forth on the other side of the river as Bito flailed his plant in the air, he entertained the cats as he inspected the water.
“Where are all the fish?” He asked out loud, “Do you know where the fish are?” He asked the group of cats, one of them finally jumped to the other side to Bito’s side rubbed against him chasing the bulb. “Well do you?”
A splash caught Bito’s attention and he looked over to see fish leaping out of the water, catching small flies grouped over the water.
Bito held the bulb straight up and the cats seized their cries, watching carefully, Bito slowly pointed it towards the direction the fish were and crept slowly. The cat on his side trailed slowly behind him, while the other two retreated into the bushes on the other side.
Bito kept his distance from the fish and watched them leap, waiting for his chance to strike. He pushed off a purple glow and rapidly snatched a fish out of the air, the other cats following his lead and each grabbing a fish as well. The fish flopped around in Bito’s palm as he waited for the cats to finish their meal before handing it out. From the bushes a quiet shaking distracted one of the cats, he looked over at the shrubbery carefully and then walked over to Bito.
“Nya!” The cat demanded attention.
“What’s wrong Winston?”
“Nya!” The cat looked up.
“Do you want this fish?” Bito dangled the fish over the cat's head, the small creature leapt up and snatched the fish before running into the bushes, and returning to eat his original fish. Bito looked at the bushes carefully as they shook more, “Hello?”
“Bito,” a voice called out from the bushes, embodied only by a hooded figure in the dark shrubs.
A loud crack startled Bito and a fast zoom shook his ear and burst a nearby tree, the cats yelped and the person dashed out from the bush away from Bito, deeper into the dark forest.
“Don’t just stand there! Get that damn thing!” Razzis popped his head out of the water, slowly the rest of his body was pulled out and he walked towards Bito. He grabbed Bito’s collar and scolded him, “ It’s bad enough having these pest stealing from my profits, then you come along and steal even more, and it's all because of Degan.” Razzis scowled at Bito before letting go, “Nevermind, why don’t you just help me get rid of that thing?” He aimed his fingers up and created a small orange crystal that burst high in the air, “ I have my own party out here already, but that creature may have ran into the village, why don't you just stay there until we find it?” He walked past Bito and into the forest, created a sharp crystal around his hand he used to hack at the plants.
The cats reemerged and flicked their tails looking at Bito, “It’s alright guys!” Bito reassured them, producing the bulb once more and distracting them again.

*Bito returns to the village, maybe another trait about the world is introduced, and comes actually comes across the hooded person again.*

He looked down at the person from rooftops as they ran in the street, he looked and finally realized it was running towards the green forest, the sun began dipping behind the thick trees, shadows reached and pushed the sunlight away as they wrapped around buildings. He saw a crowd walk around a corner, right before the forest, causing the thief to duck into the first alley they came across. 

Bito leaped over the large gap in between the buildings, he reached towards the edge and saw it was out of reach. He looked down and was surprised to see how far away the ground was. His heart pounded and blurred his vision.He glared at the edge before he shut his eyes, he felt stone underneath his fingers and then opened his eyes. He quickly pulled himself up, and watched the wave of shadows continue spreading. He turned and saw the person run towards a corner that would lead to a wall. Bito waited until the person turned the corner before dropping down into the alley, his prey was unaware of the wall hidden by shadows in the distance.


Spinning around the grey hood had realized it was trapped, it backed until the wall pushed against them. Bito slowly walked towards the creature , he was so intrigued and his prey was within sight. Instinct kicked in and like a cornered beast, the beast  fought back; pushing Bito, it managed to surprise him, yet was yanked back as Bito grabbed the hood. The person fell on on Bito and caused both of them  to fall on the cold floor.


A dark red river of silky hair rolled through Bito's hands as they tumbled, the small amount of light revealed the crimson silk and pale skin. Bito turned to look down the alley and saw a group of light approaching the corner. He looked up to see a full moon and how it was lighting up the alley, he looked at the girl in amazement. Her skin bounced the moonlight and stood out in the dark, assisted by her glowing hair.


"You're a girl..." Was all Bito could say, he was so taken aback, unable to think.
She stared back at him blushing wildly, her brown eyes rounded in fear. She whimpered yet failed to form any words. Terrified she struggled to escape from his grasp, she only stopped when she heard a voice boom orders.


“Bito!” Razzis called out from the party of hunters, “You actually caught the damn thing!” He laughed then commanded his men towards Bito.

He pulled back as the girl fought him, he watched as they turned the corner. A small group approached the end of the alley, they marched inspecting everything they could.
“Please Bito they’ll kill me!” The girl pleaded as she fought against Bito, but he would not let up, he did not let go, “ This isnt you Bito, please!”
His mask showed no emotion as Bito gripped her firmly, “How do you know me?”

Chapter Two: Bito’s Hell


Razzis stopped as the target and Bito slipped into the shadows, “Bito come out!” He demanded, “ You helped us find it and that’s enough, you can go away now!” Razzis’ orders were met with silence from the end of alley, “I will kill you boy, you may not remember what you did but we do.”
“Kill him already!”
“He’s a probably responsible for all the things happening around!”
“He killed our brothers and sisters!”
“Silence!” Razzis raised his hand up and the small group of townsfolk quieted down. “Bito, Do you know what you did yet?”
“.....No.” Bito’s voice echoed.
“You corrupted this village, you almost wiped us out again, right when we were recovering from the loss of our parents to those damn lizards.” Razzis’ mood became neutral as he explained, some of the crowd members lowers their faces. “We lost so many, and then you corrupted those left, granted not alone, but still enough to almost tear us apart.” He reached out and a slick ice javelin shot out of the ground, “ This generation stands together against anything, even you Bito!” He launched the weapon towards the shadows, but behind him a purple aura weakened his party and caused others to collapse. Turning back to look he saw Bito jumping out and reaching a hand out towards the javelin and a green flash emitted from his hand. “Emporetica Vitis!” The vine strangled and shattered the javelin mid-air then returned near Bito’s feet.
“That’s enough You Brat!” Razzis smacked his palms on the ground and Crystals shot out of the ground around Bito, leaving only his mask revealed. “We can just say you died trying to save us all again,” he mocked standing up and walking over, “I am the one in charge, not Degan, everybody listens to me. You are an inconvenience to me and bring everybody's spirits down, I think it is fair to say theres only one option.” Another weapon formed in the air, this time a ice crept on his forearm, creating a more deadly version of the weapon he used to hack plants. “You did save this village from being slaughtered by that Mana-Crazed freak, that's the only reason you were spared and allowed to continue living in the village. But we are all looking for a reason to force Degan to get rid of you. And well here-!”
A roar interrupted Razzis and a dark purple flash smashed against the ice prison, Bito dropped to the ground surprised and looked up to see a beastly humanoid standing next to him. Black messy hair covered up fangs, features twisted into a Lion’s and eyes ready to strike, it roared once more and revealed claws with a purple glow, as it intensified the people behind Razzis groaned in weakness.
“No Bito!” The masked person shouted reaching out as the creature launched at a still startled Razzis. The vine wrapped around Bito’s neck and other reached out from the masked person's Jacket, the hood fell down revealing red hair that rolled down their back.
“Sancta Ferio!” Razzis finally responded, he gained speed as he ran and his fist intensified. Razzis shouted angrily as he ran closer to the Mana-Crazed Bito, he grunted and closed his eyes as he threw his fist.
“Umidus Scuti,” the barrier completely absorbed the impact and lodged Razzis fist. The vines lifted Bito up effortlessly and carried him away from Razzis and the group, the crimson haired target ran once more, back into the dark, dangerous forest.
“You are a target now Bito! Do not return!” Razzis shouted angrily
"Do whatever the *censored* makes You happy, cuz in the end who's there? You."
Free Plug for my Work, yo. Story Summary: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,15846.msg256608.html#msg256608

story draft: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,16569.msg266978.html#msg266978

Offline ricksmt

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Re: Too much for PM
« Reply #16 on: August 04, 2016, 12:21:19 AM »
  • Vulcana's scene needs some polish.
  • Bito's journey to the river is unclear. I can tell it's some sort of parkour thing, but that's about it.
  • The purple glow needs a better explanation/description.
  • The Razzis/Hood initial actions aren't clear to me.
  • The scary alley jump (or whatever is actually happening there) is unclear.
  • Of course she knows his name. Razzis just said it.

In general it needs more polish, but these were my bigger pain points.

Offline Bito916

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Re: Too much for PM
« Reply #17 on: August 06, 2016, 05:56:27 PM »
I understand its pretty cringe worthy so im glad you made it to the end haha:3
"Do whatever the *censored* makes You happy, cuz in the end who's there? You."
Free Plug for my Work, yo. Story Summary: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,15846.msg256608.html#msg256608

story draft: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,16569.msg266978.html#msg266978