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Author Topic: Auric Sense *Looking for feedback on format and story so far*  (Read 1094 times)

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Offline SukiOkido

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Auric Sense *Looking for feedback on format and story so far*
« on: August 07, 2016, 03:30:05 AM »
I had been working on this for a while just writing but decided to reformat it. I only have part of the first chapter before the flashback typed up. Let me know what you think. also note.. my version is color coded a bit. Location is Green, Scene is purple, Thoughts is blue and the name for character line is Red.

Spoiler
Location: Lunar Park/Comet Fountain

Scene: The sun had just set. Scarlet is walking along a well lit trail heading towards the middle of the park. A couple, one with a pale blue aura and the other being a emerald green, pass by her as she reflects.

Thoughts: Red, green, blue, amber, purple, yellow, and silver. So many colors in this world, and yet often remain unseen. Auras, also known as natural energy, is normally hidden to the average eye. Those who can see anothers' aura without the other wanting is truly rare.

Scene: Scarlet stops and looks off to the side and lightly smiles

Thoughts: I am one of those few born with second sight.

Scene: Scarlet stops and peers to the sky above reminiscing her time as a child.

Thoughts: When I was younger, others thought I was strange as I was always talking about things which wasn't there, but who didn’t as a kid. As I got older I mentioned it less after I began to get strange looks from others. But now I pay it no mind.

Scene: Laughing lightly, Scarlet glances down the path before continuing to move forwards with her thoughts.

Thoughts: For the last few years I have been on my own, moving from city to city and was able to see just how unique each aura was. Roughly a month ago I found myself here in Tikama after coming down from the Highlands in the north. For a while I was slightly overwhelmed by the quantity and variety of auras from not being around them for some time. So I avoided the busiest part of the city and came here.

Scene: An opening appears further up along the trail. Scarlet reaches the opening to find a large fountain. As she gets closer see sees a plaque which reads. "Lunar Parks Comet Fountain."

Scarlet: Mumbles - "Lunar Park, eh.", Pauses, "I wonder why it's called Comet Fountain?"

Scene: Scarlet looks up as she asked herself the question and sees why. Though there were lights nearby, they were far enough away to see the sky above filled with thousands of stars along with a bright comet. As it crossed slowly across the sky, it released a crystal blue energy. Scarlet smiles brightly having seen this.

Scene: Suddenly the wind began to pick up from the east, lifting the salty ocean scent into the air. Scarlet took a deep breath and then sighed as it had been a long time since she had smelt the ocean. Scarlet claps her hands together.

Scarlet: "Alright! After some rest I'm definitely going to the beach."

Scene: With this, Scarlet heads over to the nearby bench which is under a small oak tree. Though after a few minutes curled up, Scarlet ends up laying on her back. She stares up at the sky through the scattered branches before her mind begun to wander. She sighs heavily at the thought of last summer repeating itself.

 

Flashback:
~Music is Life~

Offline Forlorn Serpent

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Re: Auric Sense *Looking for feedback on format and story so far*
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2016, 08:40:29 AM »
I forgot if you said this before, but did you want your story to be a manga or novel?

I didn't have any trouble reading this format style.  Let's see how the rest of this chapter plays out.

« Last Edit: August 07, 2016, 12:00:49 PM by Forlorn Serpent »

Offline SukiOkido

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Re: Auric Sense *Looking for feedback on format and story so far*
« Reply #2 on: August 07, 2016, 03:01:46 PM »
I think someone asked before but yess Im wanting it to be a manga. Im also glad you didn't have trouble reading it..
~Music is Life~

Offline passerby

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Re: Auric Sense *Looking for feedback on format and story so far*
« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2016, 04:34:06 PM »
Is this a script, as in the blueprints of precisely making a manga.  Or is it a story layout, as in it's specifically just written down to put it on paper to plan ahead, have side notes, and development. 

On going on the limb and saying it's for the latter.  Thus, IMO your wasting time by having lots of labels.  Thoughts, Scene, and Scarlet are consistently listed over and over.  I'd imagine that be a pain to type repeatedly every time something changes.  Once your story layout get's bigger, it may look more like coloring book than a story.

I think you could omit the "Scene" label or redefine it for something else as it's appears too frequently and can be implied that you are describing what is happing in the story.  Thus you'll be able to identify the more important labels such as when Scarlet is going to be speaking.  You could also eliminate "Thought" as a label as well and simply put it in all-in-one label "Scarlet" like so:

Scarlet: (Thoughts) Is this a good idea?
Scarlet: (Mumbling) Only if the OP likes it.
Scarlet: (Facial Expression) FML


Doing so can lessen the amount of colors needed, and thus be saved for other labels such as other characters when she is engaged in a conversation. 

Of course you can do whatever works for you best.  If this system works for you then by all means go with what you got.  Will have to wait on your story feedback unless your going to provide some kind of story synopsis.

Offline Forlorn Serpent

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Re: Auric Sense *Looking for feedback on format and story so far*
« Reply #4 on: August 07, 2016, 07:09:24 PM »
hey, i just did a conversion for your story. A few things you have to worry about is that some lines don't transfer well to manga. Like the taste of salt in the air. I'm having a hard time trying to figure how you can illustrate that scene. Also, with amount of thought dialogue lines, you need some things to interrupt it so the manga page doesn't look like it's filled with a lot of words.

You can see it as every action sentence, the description of what is going on, as its own panel.
Spoiler




Also the page per manga page can vary but from what i can tell, it's already 4+ manga pages.
« Last Edit: August 07, 2016, 09:05:35 PM by Forlorn Serpent »

Offline SukiOkido

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Re: Auric Sense *Looking for feedback on format and story so far*
« Reply #5 on: August 07, 2016, 07:17:08 PM »
I see. Thanks very much for looking it over and showing me this. Im going to compare them again and reformat my hand written version and then go on to the main flashback.
~Music is Life~

Offline Mafioso55565

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Re: Auric Sense *Looking for feedback on format and story so far*
« Reply #6 on: August 08, 2016, 09:38:05 PM »
you definitely have to make this into a color manga, this sounds so relaxing and pretty. only thing i can say is that maybe show her special ability without saying it at first, just a subtle change to make it seem a bit more interesting. for example maybe show the couple talking and one of them asking to see the others aura color. then she can smirk and reveal her ability, maybe at that moment feeling slightly superior in a subtle way. idk just my thoughts though good setup i wanna read more.
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