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Author Topic: Forbidden Book (Looking for feedback)  (Read 879 times)

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Offline dmasterxd

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Forbidden Book (Looking for feedback)
« on: June 29, 2016, 02:56:40 AM »
Hey guys, I would just like some feedback on this story. I technically have about 62 chapters written out, but only the first first five in a manga style format. Though the fifth one is the start of the second arc, so I'll just share the first four right now. Also I've been reworking/tweaking some things. Some of the comments I've gotten before were that the pacing was too fast and that it felt childish, but it's intended to be that way. But I would like to know how to keep the fast pace but still make the audience care about the characters as well. And of course any other constructive criticism would be appreciated as well.

Summary: 13 years ago the Forbidden Book sealed away an entire race known as Bakemono. When a Jr. High School student gets trapped inside he must overcome many obstacles and fight for his life. But will he be able to escape before its too late?

Forbidden Book (Vol. 1)

Characters to be designed this Volume:

Yamagata Satoshi “Sato”- 13 years old, purple hair combed upwards, purple eyes, average build and height for his age, black t-shirt, blue jeans.

Sakura- 13 years old, upper back length pink hair, pink eyes, slightly short for her age, average build, pink sundress

Ai- 11 years old, waist length white hair, red eyes, elf-like ears orange tank top, orange skirt, and matching sandals, average build and height for her age.

King Akio- Early 30’s, cropped black hair, red eyes, elf like ears, long beard, pure white robe with a wooden staff on the back, bejeweled crown, large and muscular

Nori- Late 20’s, blue skinned, black hair, brown eyes, royal guard armor, very muscular

Hibiki- 15 years old, long spiky black hair, red eyes, elf-like ears, simple green jacket and gray pants, tall for his age, average build

Queen Hikari- Early 30’s, long white hair, red eyes blue, pure white robe, average build and height for her age

Kenji- 13 years old, short black hair, black eyes, blue polo, gray jeans, average height for his age scrawny

Teacher- Make him look how you want

Librarian- Make him look how you want

Rin and his friends- Make them look how you want as well

Chapter 1- Yamagata Satoshi

Page 1

Pan 1: Front view of Sato sleeping in a classroom. Fist pounding down on Sato's desk.

Pan 2: 3/4 view Sato startled

Sato: What the...?!"

Teacher: Sato, how many times do I have to tell you stop sleeping in my class?"

Sato: How many times have I?"

Pan 3: Teacher: At least fifty times.

Sato: Then you clearly have to tell me more than fifty.

Pan 4: SFX-Class bell rings

Sato gets up from his desk. Kenji walks to him.

Kenji: Hey man, so how was your day?

Sato: Same as always. Completely typical.

Sato: You know sometimes I wish something out of the ordinary would happen to me.

Page 2

Pan 1: 3/4 view of Sato and Kenji talking.

Kenji: I know what you mean.

Kenji: But let's face it man. You are seriously cursed with being extra ordinary.

Pan 2: Sato: Gee Kenji, thanks for making it sound even worse.

Kenji: I'll be here all week.

Sato: Okay, let's get going dude.

Pan 3: Sato and Kenji exiting the school. Rin appears before them with his two friends.

Rin: Hey losers. How are you doing?

Zoom in Sato, serious expression.

Sato: Rin. What do you want?

Close up of Rin laughing.

Rin: You humor me Yamagata. You know exactly why I'm here.

Pan 4: Kenji flinching.

Kenji: Fine. Go ahead and do your worst.

Sato: No Kenji! You can't let him keep doing this to you!

Sato: Rin, why you do you always hurt, Kenji?

Page 3

Pan 1: 3/4 view Sato facing Rin

Rin: Isn't it obvious? Because I can.

Pan 2: Zoom in Sato clenching his fist.

Sato: Because you can?

Dynamic view of Sato's face-angry.

Sato: I hate people like you!

Pan 3: Side view of Sato running towards Rin.

Pan 4: Sato's fist colliding with Rin's jaw.

Page 4

Pan 1: Front view of Rin sliding across the floor.

Pan 2: Rin's friends charge towards Sato

Page 5
Pan 1: Close up of Sato's eyes (now pitch black instead of purple)

Sato: You're all wasting your time.

Pan 2: Sato dodges both punches.

Pan 3: Sato kicks them both to the floor.

Pan 4: Front view of Rin getting up.

Rin: You're dead, Yamagata!"

Page 6

Pan 1: Front view of Sato smirking

Sato: You don't stand a chance Rin.

Pan 2: Rin throws a punch at Sato.

Pan 3: Sato catches the punch.

Sato: You see?

Pan 4: Sato pulls out a lighter.

Page 7

Pan 1: Sato lights Rin's hand on fire.

Rin: What the hell man?!"

Sato: I'm finishing you off for good.

Pan 2: Librarian comes running in

Librarian: Hey Break it up!

Pan 3: Zoom in on Sato's eyes (revert back to purple color)

Pan 4: Sato collapsing.

Kenji (O.C.) Sato!

Page 8

Pan 1: 3/4 view of Sato waking up in the library.

Sato: How'd I get here.

Pan 2: Front view of librarian at his desk.

Librarian: I brought you here.

Librarian: Your serving detention with me.

Sato: Detention? What for?

Pan 3:Librarian: For lighting a students hand on fire.

Sato: I don't remember that...

Librarian: Yeah, sure you don't.

Pan 4: 3/4 view of Sato reaching in his pockets.

Sato: Where is it?

Librarian: Oh, you mean what you used to light the boy's hand?

Librarian: I confiscated it.

Page 9
Pan 1: Sato makes a panicked expression.

Sato: What? Why?!

Librarian: Because it's not allowed on school grounds.

Pan 2: Sato yelling

Sato: But you don't understand!

Sato: That lighter is special!

Librarian: Well, you'll get it back later.

Pan 3: Sato calming himself down.

Sato: Fine.

Pan 4: Librarian returns to his book. Sato sneaks under the table.

Sato: Heh. I'll show you.

Page 10
Pan 1: Sato crawling under the librarian's desk.

Pan 2: Sato reaching for the lighter on the top of the desk."

Pan 3: Sato grabs the lighter.

Sato: Got it.

Pan 4: Sato quickly crawling back to his seat.

Page 11

Pan 1: Sato plants his head on the desk

Sato: I'm so freakin' bored.

Librarian: So then read a book.

Pan 2: 3/4 view Sato getting up from his seat.

Sato: Whatever.

Pan 3: 3/4 view of Sato searching through a book shelf.

Sato: Huh? What's this?"

Pan 4: Back view of Sato opening up a blank book.

Sato: It's blank?

Page 12

Pan 1: Front view of a portal opening up inside the book

Pan 2: Back view of Sato being sucked into the book

Page 13

Pan 1: Front view of Sato falling out of the portal and landing in a grassy area

Pan 2: 3/4 view of Sato rubbing his butt

Sato: OW!

Sato: Where the hell am I?

Pan 3: 3/4 view of Sato staring up at the silver sun

Sato: I don't think I'm on Earth anymore
Pan 4: A flaming eagle with iron talon swoops down. Sato shocked/confused expression.

Sato: What the hell?!

Page 14

Pan 1: Eagle lunges at Sato

Pan 2: Sato somersaults to dodge the eagle.

Sato: Whoa!

Sato: This is crazy! Am I dreaming?!

Page 15

Pan 1: Eagle attacks Sato again, slicing Sato's arm and draws blood

Sato: Ahhhhhh!

Pan 2: 3/4 view of Sato clutching his arm in front of the eagle

Sato: "What on Earth is that?

Sato: I have to figure something out."

Page 16

Pan 1: Close up of Sato, confident expression-dynamic view

Sato: I have an idea.

Pan 2: 3/4 view of Sato running up a tree

Sato: Come here little birdy.

Pan 3: Eagle soars into the sky

Pan 4: Eagle lunges down to attack Sato

Page 17

Pan 1: Front view of Sato pulling out a rope and lighter

Pan 2: Sato lassos the rope around the eagle and lights it on fire.

Pan 3: Aerial view of eagle going down in flames.

Pan 4: Front view of Sato dancing.

Sato: Oh yeah, it’s my birthday.

Sato: Kiss my butt, mutated eagle!

Page 18

Pan 1: SFX echoing footsteps

Pan 2: Sato jumping off of the tree.

Sato: What’s that?

Pan 3: 3/4 view of blue Large Golem facing Sato

Golem: Kill Yamagata Satoshi!

Pan 4: Close up of Sato shocked expression

Sato: Another one of these crazy monsters?

Sato: And how the hell does it know my name?!

Page 19

Pan 1: Golem falling to the floor. Quick earthquake.

Pan 2: Sakura standing on top of the golem.

Sakura: I’m not sure how it knows your name.

Sakura: But us crazy monsters prefer to be called Bakemono.

Chapter 2- Sakura

Page 20

Pan 1: Front view of King Akio stroking his beard on his throne.

Akio: This is very worrisome. Niji’s still out there.

Pan 2: Zoom out to show Hikari beside Akio and Nori in front of him.

Hikari: Yes indeed. Niji must be stopped once and for all.

Pan 3: Akio still in his throne.

Akio: Nori, you were close with him once.

Akio: Do you have any idea where he might be.

Pan 4: Nori stoic expression.

Nori: That was a long time ago, King Akio.

Nori: But if you need me to kill him, I’ll gladly oblige.

Page 21

Pan 1: Akio gesturing Nori to calm down.

Akio: Patience Nori.

Pan 2: Front view of Hikari kind expression.

Hikari: I’m sure you’ll get your chance with Niji soon.

Hikari: But for now just focus on your duties as the Royal Guard.

Pan 3: Nori releasing his sword.

Nori: Thank you, Queen Hikari.

Nori: But I haven’t even officially became the guard yet.

Pan 4: Akio stroking his beard again.

Akio: Oh that’s right, you haven’t even been instated yet.

Akio: Hikari, go get Ai so we may begin.

Page 22

Pan 1: 3/4 view of Nori talking to Akio

Nori: Ai?

Akio: Yes, Ai is my daughter.

Akio: As well as my only child.

Pan 2: Same as Pan 1

Nori: You’re only child? So then, she’s the heir?

Pan 3: Close up of Akio grave expression

Akio: Not quite.

Pan 4: Front view of Nori confused expression.

Nori: Huh? Why not?

Page 23

Pan 1: Front view of Hibiki entering the castle-dynamic entrance.

Hibiki: Ai’s gone!

Akio: What?!

Pan 2: Side view of Ai running.

Ai: Alright, adventure here I come! Hooray!

Page 24

Pan 1: 3/4 view of Sato staring at Sakura

Sakura: How long are you gonna stare at me creep?

Pan 2: 3/4 view of Sato getting up

Sato: Oh sorry. By the way my name’s Yamagata Satoshi. But you can just call me Sato.

Sato: So you’re like those monsters?

Pan 3: Sakura sighing

Sakura: Oh geez. I already told you we’re called Bakemono.

Pan 4: 3/4 view of Sato talking to Sakura.

Sato: Okay. So then what are Bakemono exactly?

Page 25

Pan 1: 3/4 view of Sakura still talking to Sato

Sakura: You mean you really don’t know?”

Sakura: Geez, you really are uninformed aren’t you, Sato?

Pan 2: Sato nodding.

Sato: You have no idea.

Sakura: Well, I’ll explain it to you then.

Pan 3: Zoom out to show more of the grassy plains.

Sakura: Up until about thirteen years ago, Bakemono and humans lived in peace.

Sakura: But that all ended when one despicable Bakemono known as the Warrior Bakemono, Niji called war between the two races.

Pan 4: Same scene as above.

Sakura: And because of that a human used an ancient book to seal us away.

Sakura: It was known s the Forbidden Book. And you and I are standing inside of it right now.

Page 26

Pan 1: 3/4 view of Sato and Sakura talking again.

Sato: Pretty cool story you’re telling.

Sato: But you still haven’t told me about the Bakemono themselves.

Pan 2: Sakura slightly irritated

Sakura: Relax. I’m getting to that.

Pan 3: Zoom back out to the plains

Sakura: Now like the human race the Bakemono race is very vast and unique.

Sakura: However we are split into two groups, mindless Bakemono like the ones you saw today. And free willing Bakemono like me.

Pan 4: Same scene

Sakura: Plus, we’re divided into different sub types.

Sakura: For example, I’m a Strength Bakemono.

Page 27

Pan 1: 3/4 view of Sato and Sakura

Sato: Yeah, no kidding. But how come you don’t look all crazy?

Sato: You look like an ordinary human girl.

Pan 2: Front view of Sakura falling to her knees and crying dramatically

Sakura: I know! Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always been called ugly!”

Sakura: And a pathetic excuse for a Bakemono since I had no horns like my father or demon wings like my mother. I’m a disgrace!”

Pan 3: Back view of Sato sweat dropping

Sato: I fail to see just how that’s ugly.

Sato: Hey, come on. Don't cry. You’re not ugly at all.

Pan 4: Sakura wiping her tears

Sakura: You really think so?”

Page 28

Pan 1: Sato nodding

Sato: Yeah, of course I do!

Sato: I bet if you went to my school you’d fit right in!

Pan 2: Sakura starts crying again.

Sato: What’s wrong? Now why are you crying?
Sakura: You said I’d fit in at you’re human school. So then you think I look human too?

Sakura: I should be ashamed to have this Bakemono blood coursing through my veins!”

Pan 3: Back view of Sato sweat dropping

Sato: Geez, this chick is sure one heck of a drama queen.

Sato: Hey Sakura! Stop crying, would ya?

Pan 4: Same scene

Sato: Sure you look like a human and all. But you shouldn’t be ashamed of who you are.

Sato: And if you were born a Bakemono. Well then I don’t see any reason you can’t be a proud Bakemono!

Page 29

Pan 1: Front view of Sakura-happy expression

Sakura: Sato...thank you.

Pan 2: Side view of Sato starting to walk off

Sato: Well now that that’s over.

Sato: See ya, I gotta go get something to eat then find a way out of here.

Pan 3: 3/4 view of Sakura extending her arm towards Sato.

Sakura: Sato, wait!

Sato: Crap.

Pan 4: 3/4 view of Sato turning around

Sato: Yeah? What is it?

Sakura: You’re a human, right?

Page 30

Pan 1: 3/4 view of Sato and Sakura.

Sato: Yeah, what of it?

Pan 2: Close up of Sakura-solemn expression

Sakura: Then I have some bad news.

Pan 3: Zoom back out to Sato and Sakura

Sato: Well, hurry up. ‘Cause I really gotta get home.

Sakura: That’s just it! You can’t go home!

Pan 3: Zoom in on Sato-shocked expression

Sato: What?! Why not?!

Sakura: (O.S.) Because when you got sucked inside the Forbidden Book you became trapped in here forever.

Sato: Forever?!

Pan 4: 3/4 view of Sato and Sakura SFX ground shaking

Sato: An earthquake?

Page 31

Pan 1: Same scene as above.

Sakura: Yep. From the Golem Bakemono.

Sato: What, him again?

Pan 2: Front view of Sakura-arms folded

Sakura: Actually her

Sato: (O.S.) How can you tell?

Pan 3: 3/4 view of Sato and Sakura.

Sakura: Females work alone. Males travel in packs.

Sakura: Don’t act suprised. I knew I should’ve finished her off when I had the chance.

Pan 4: Front view of Sakura-dynamic expression

Sakura: I won’t make that mistake again!

Page 32
Pan 1: Front view of Sakura running towards the Golem Bakemono. Nearly knocking Sato down.

Pan 2: Side view of the Golem’s fist turns a moss shade of green and throws it’s fist at Sakura.

Page 33

Pan 1: Back view of Sakura jumping onto the golem’s fist.

Pan 2: 3.4 view of Sakura knocking the Golem down with a punch.

Page 34

Pan 1: Front view of Sato-amazed expression

Sato: Whoa! That was incredible!

Pan 2: 3/4 view of Sato and Sakura

Sakura: It was nothing.

Sakura: I am a Strength Bakemono afterall.

Pan 3: Same Scene

Ai: (O.S.) HELP!

Sato: What was that just now?

Sakura: Sounded like a little girl.

Pan 4: Front view of Sato and Sakura facing in the direction of the scream

Sakura: Let’s go check it out, okay?

Sato: Sure.

Chapter 3- Rescue Mission

Page 37

Pan 1: Front view of Sato and Sakura running at full speed.

Sato: So any idea who’s screaming?

Sakura: Not a clue,

Pan 2: Aerial view of Sato and Sakura running into a pack of Golem Bakemono.

Pan 3: Zoom in on Sato’s grunting face.

Sato: So then, I’m guessing these ones are male?

Pan 4: Front view of Sakura standing next to Sato.

Sakura: Your guess is correct.
Pan 5: Sakura brings one foot behind the other and holds her fists up in front of her chest.

Sakura: Come on ya Golems. What’cha waiting for?

Pan 6: 3/4 view of the Golem Bakemono charging at Sakura

SFX: Swoosh

Page 38

Pan 1: One Golem swings it’s giant stony fist at Sakura. (Front view)

Pan 2: Sakura catches it with one hand. (Side view).

Pan 3: Sakura throws the Golem down. (Aerial view)

Pan 4: Sakura cocks her towards Sato. (Back view)

Sakura: Now’s your chance, Sato! Get out of here quick!

Page 39

Pan 1: Sato looks at Sakura with worry. (Front view)

Sato: But, what about you?

Pan 2: Sakura diverting another golem’s arm.

Sakura: I’ll be fine, just go!

Page 40

Pan 1: Sato running through the woods.

Pan 2. Sato shivering.

Sato: Hello, anyone here?

Sato: If the little girl who was yelling for help is here, I’m here to rescue you.

Pan 3: Sato leaping back from a Spider Bakemono.

Pan 4: Sato awkward expression.

Sato: Geez, I know I said I wanted a more interesting life.

Sato: But all this crap is a little too much.

Page 41

Pan 1: The Spider Bakemono lashes out at Sato baring its fangs.

Pan 2: Sato drops and rolls to the side.

Pan 3: Sato picks up a tree branch and jabs at the spider.

Pan 4: The Bakemono shoots out a huge web vaporizing the trees into dust.

Pan 5. Sato shocked expression.

Sato: Whoa, that’s no ordinary spider.

Page 42

Pan 1: The Spider shoots another web at him.

Pan 2: Sato dodges to the left.

Page 43

Pan 1: Sato uses his lighter to light the stick.

Pan 2: Sato threw the flaming stick at the spider.

Pan 3: Sato confident expression.

Sato: Brainstorm!

Page 44

Pan 1: Front view of Sato and back view of Bakemono.

Sato: Hey Spidey. Wanna play?”

Pan 2: Sato throws two more flaming tree branches at the Spider.

Pan 3: It continually shoots webs at him.

Pan 4: Sato dodges them all letting them end up on the trees behind.

Page 45

Pan 1: Once all the trees have vaporized Sato ducks another web and it ends up catching the spider instead.

Pan 2: Sato remembering.

Sato: Oh yeah!

Sato: I have to go save that girl.

Pan 3: Back view of Sato.

Ai: (O.C.) Help!

Pan 4: Back view of Sato running.

Sato: I’m coming!

Page 46

Pan 1: Front view of the Golem Bakemono

Golems: Kill Yamagata Satoshi!

Pan 2: Sakura dodging the Golem’s blows.

Sakura: Sato’s gone!

Sakura: What do you wanna kill him for anyway?

Page 47

Pan 1: Front view of the Golem Bakemono.

Golem 1: Master’s orders!

Golem 2: You no need to know!

Pan 2: Zoom in on Sakura smirking.

Sakura: Oh really?

Sakura: Well then I guess I’ll just have to make you tell me.

Page 48

Pan 1: She lifts up two of the Golems and smashes them together. Rocks from their bodies crumble down.

Page 49

Pan 1: She picks up another one and throws him down onto the whole pack immoblizing them.

Pan 2: Sakura claps dirt off her hands.

Sakura: Now start talking.

Page 50

Pan 1: Sato makes it out of the forest and into a lakeside area.

Ai: (O.C.) Help! Help!

Pan 2: Sato hurrying over

Sato: Hey, I’m coming!

Pan 3: 3/4 of Sato before the lake.

Sato: I sure hope this lake isn’t infested with man eating fish Bakemono. Or any Bakemono for that matter.

Pan 4: Sato dives intop the water head first and swims towards the other end.

Page 51

Pan 1: Front view of Ai.

Ai: Somebody help me!

Pan 2: Sato swimming.

Sato: Just hang on kid. I’m coming for you!

Page 52

Pan 1: Sato reaches the other side of the lake.

Pan 2: He notices multiple leech Bakemono sucking on his foot.

Pan 3: He yanks them off disgusted and horrified.

Pan 4: Sato disgusted expression.

Sato: All I asked for was for it not to be infested with Bakemono.

Sato: And what happens, it’s infested with Bakemono?

Pan 5: Sato shakes it off and head towards the girl.

Page 53

Pan 1: 3/4 of Sato and Ai.

Ai: Hey are you here to save me?

Pan 2: Same image.

Well of course I am. Why else would I have risked my life diving into a lake full of leech Bakemono?

Sato: Just for the hell of it?

Page 54

Pan 1: Sato freeing Ai with his lighter.

Sato: Hey kid. Wanna tell me your name?

Sato: I’m Yamagata Satoshi.

Ai: My name is Ai.

Ai: And I’m a Magic Bakemono.

Chapter 4: Ai

Page 55

Pan 1: Front view of Sato confused expression.

Sato: You’re a Bakemono? But then why do you seem even more human than Sakura?

Pan 2: Ai puzzled expression.

Ai: I don’t know. No one’s ever told me that before.

Pan 3: Sato raises an eyebrow.

Sato: You’re kidding me right?

Sato: Am I being punk’d or something?

Pan 4: Ai cocks her head to the side.

Ai: Punk’d?

Page 56

Pan 1: 3/4 view of Sato and Ai.

Sato: Never mind.

Pan 2: Ai starts a new conversation.

Ai: So your name is Satoshi right?

Sato: Well yeah, but you can just call me Sato if you want.

Pan 3: Zoom in on Ai.

Ai: Sa-to.

Ai: Hm, can I call you something else instead?

Pan 4: 3/4 of Sato and Ai.

Sato: Uh sure. Like what?

Page 57

Pan 1: Ai puts her finger to her lips trying to think.

Ai: A-ha! How about big brother?

Pan 2: Sato shocked expression.

Sato: Big brother?

Pan 3: Ai smiling.

Ai: You saved my life and so now you’re my big brother.

Pan 4: Sato relaxing.

Sato: Sure that’s what you can call me from now on.

Pan 5: Sato shivering.

Sato: Now come on let’s get you out of here.

Sato: It’s giving me the creeps.

Page 58

Pan 1: Sato starts to walk off.

Pan 2: Ai extends her arm.

Ai: Wait! No , we can’t leave!

Pan 3: Sato looks back at Ai over his shoulder.

Sato: What? Why not?

Ai: Because.

Pan 4: Ai gasping.

Ai: Because of him!

Page 59

Pan 1: Zoom out on Miharu.

Page 60

Pan 1: Sato starts trembling.

Sato: Who are you?

Pan 2: Miharu roaring.

Miharu: Hahahahahaha!

Miharu: My name is Miharu and I am a Monkey Bakemono!

Page 61

Pan 1: Sato questions Miharu.

Sato: Why did you do this to Ai.

Pan 2: Miharu smirking.

Miharu: It’s simple really.

Miharu: Because I can!

Pan 3: Sato mumbling.

Sato: Because you can?

Pan 4: Sato clenching his fists.

Sato: Because you can.

Sato: That’s your excuse?!

Pan 5: Sato charges at Miharu pulling his fist back.

Pan 6: Miharu catches it with his tail and yanks Sato to the left slamming him into a tree.

Page 62

Pan 1: Ai worried expression.

Ai: Big brother!

Pan 2: Sato coughs up some blood.

I’m fine Ai.

Pan 3: Sato struggling to rise to his feet.

Pan 4: He picks up a twig from the ground and pulls out his lighter.

Pan 5: Sato lights the stick on fire.

Pan 63

Pan 1: Sato grinning.

Sato: Hey tall, dark, and butt ugly! Take this!

Pan 2: Sato throws the flaming twig at the Monkey Bakemono.

Pan 3: Miharu jumps into a tree branch with his tail.

Miharu: Please, you’ll have to better than that if you wanna defeat me.

Miharu: I am not one of those pathetic mindless Bakemono you’ve fought so far. I am one of the free-willing Bakemono!

Miharu: You are no match for me pathetic human!

Pan 4: Sato smirking.

Sato: As if! The day I let you kill me is the day you learn about deodorant!

Pan 5: Sato rushes towards Miharu.

Page 64

Pan 1: Sato lifts his leg to the side.

Pan 2: Miharu quickly wraps his tail around Sato’s leg.

Pan 3: He continually pounds him into the ground.

Pan 4: Sato screaming.

Sato: Aaaaaah!

Pan 5: Ai watches in horror with her hands covering her mouth and looks away.

Page 65

Pan 1: Sato closes his eyes from the pain.

Sato (V.O.): Is this it? Am I really going to die here?

Sato (V.O.): I guess it’s all over now. Goodbye Mom and Kenji. And Sakura and Ai too. I wish I could’ve gotten to know you both a little better. I’ll miss you all. Goodbye

Pan 2: Sato still closing his eyes.

Ai (O.C.): Nooooooooo!

Pan 3: Sato opens his eyes realize he is now in a pure white shield.

Sato: Ai, you did this? You saved me?

Pan 4: Ai nods.

Ai: Yes.

Page 66

Pan 1: Sato getting up.

Sato: I see. Well I take back what I said about you seeming more human than Sakura.

Sato: Now thanks for your help.

Sato: But I can take it from here.

Pan 2: Ai worried expression.

Ai: Big brother no! You’re gonna get hurt again!

Pan 3: Sato struggles as he walks clenching hiss bleeding side.

Sato: Ai, I don’t have a choice anymore.

Sato: If you ever wanna get out of here. I have to take this guy down.

Pan 4: Back view of Sato.

Sato: And besides, his justification for kidnapping you...

Pan 5: Close up of Sato, furious expression.

Sato: despicable!

Sato: I can’t stand people like him!

Page 67

Pan 1: Sato charges at Miharu.

Pan 2: Miharu punches him in the gut.

Miharu: Had enough yet.

Pan 3: Sato smirks.

Sato: Not yet.

Pan 4: Sato pulls out a pocket knife and cuts of the Monkey Bakemono’s tail.

Pan 5: Miharu screaming.

Miharu: How dare you!

Miharu: A Monkey Bakemono’s tail is his pride and joy!

Pan 6: Sato smirking.

Sato: Yeah?

Sato: Well I guess you should’ve thought of that before you went and pissed me off.

Page 68

Pan 1: Miharu raises his giant fist.

Miharu: Die!

Pan 2: Sakura jump kicks Miharu straight in the face. Miharu stumbles backwards.

Sakura: Looks like I made it just in time.

Pan 3: Sakura rushes over to Ai and a wounded Sato.

Sakura: So then, is this the girl?

Pan 4: Sato gets back on his feet.

Sato: Yeah.

Pan 5: Ai places her hands over Sato's gashes and they are immediately healed.

Ai: Here big brother let me help.

Pan 6: Sakura crossed her arms looking sternly at Sato.

Sakura: Big brother?

Page 69

Pan 1: Sato flustered expression.

Sato: Hey, it's not like that okay! She just wants to call me big brother because I saved her life.

Pan 2: Sakura teased Sato.

Sakura: Oh really? Didn't I save your life like twice now? Maybe you should start calling me big sister. Sato frowned.

Sato: Not gonna happen.

Pan 3: Miharu charged towards Sakura with a tight fist.

Pan 4: Sakura caught the punch but began to lose her balance as Miharu pushed her back.

Pan 5: Miharu laughed.

Miharu: Ah, you three have made by day. Thinking that you're a match for the great Miharu, the Monkey

Pan 6: Sakura grimaced.

Sakura: I have a question for you, Miharu. You're the one who sent the Eagle and Golem Bakemono after Sato,
aren't you?

Page 70

Pan 1: Miharu gloated.

Miharu: Why of course I am! Of course I got sidetracked by this little girl, since I knew that she would also make me
a lot of money.

Pan 2: Sato tried to gain more information.

Sato: Money?”

Miharu: Yes, you see personally I couldn't care less whether you live or die. However my client who has hired me
does. He wants you dead! And I'll get a lot of money out of it.

Pan 3: Sato yelling.

Sato: Who? Who wants me dead?!

Pan 4: Miharu speaks coldly.

Miharu: None other than the famous Warrior Bakemono Niji.

Pan 5: Sakura panicked.

Sakura: No, not him! Anyone but him!

Page 71

Pan 1: While Sakura was distracted Miharu gained the advantage kicking her off her feet.

Pan 2: He quickly grabbed her leg smashing her into the ground.

Pan 3: Sato shouts running over to Sakura.

Sato: Sakura! Are you okay?

Pan 4. Sakura spit some dirt out of her mouth.

Sakura: Yeah, I'm fine.

Pan 5: Sato started whispering to Sakura and Ai.

Sato: Okay good. Sakura, Ai, listen I have a plan.

Pan 6: Sato ran in ready to attack Miharu from behind.

Page 72

Pan 1: Miharu easily noticed him and scowled.

Miharu: How stupid do you think I am incompetent fool!

Pan 2: Miharu turned around to punch Sato in the chest.

Pan 3: Sakura came up from under him and threw him up onto a bridge above the lake.

Pan 4: Sakura then threw Sato up there as well.

Pan 5: Miharu mocked them.

Miharu: What was the point of that? Not a very clever escape plan, if you ask me.

Pan 6: Ai tossed the spider web that had previously held her captive into the lake.

Page 73

Pan 1: It eventually dissolved and she gave Sato a thumbs up.

Pan 2: Sato nodded signaling that he saw her thumbs up.

Pan 3: He took out his lighter and set the bridge on fire.

Pan 4: He jumped off the bridge and Sakura lassoed the rope around him yanking him back to the ground. Miharu
fell into the lake infested with the Leech Bakemono.

Pan 5: He tried to escape but the sticky substance from the web held him firmly in place.

Pan 6: Sato lit another stick on fire and chucked it into the lake. Miharu and all the other Leech Bakemono up went
up in flames.

Page 74

Pan 1: Sakura turned to face Sato.

Sakura: Well Sato, I gotta admit, that was a pretty impressive strategy you came up with.

Sato: Well thanks but it was really just more of off the wall thinking.

Pan 2: Ai jumped with joy hugging Sato once she finished speaking.

Ai: My big brother is awesome! He's cute and really smart and clever too!

Pan 3: Sakura studied Ai closely.

Sakura: Hey, I know who you are.

Pan 4: Ai's shoulders lifted up her eyes traveling away from Sakura.

Ai: You do?

Pan 5: Sakura nodded.

Sakura: Of course. You're the only child of the Royal Family in the Kingdom of Sihalia. And you can only use
defensive and healing magic.

Pan 6: Ai puffed out her cheeks.

Ai: Only? I'll have you know I happened to be very proud what I can do!

Page 75

Pan 1: Sato looks at the two girls dumbfounded

Sato: Sihalia?

Sakura: Sihalia is the central Kingdom of Oldhedge Country. We're in Oldhedge right now. The Royal Family lives in
the Kingdom of Sihalia. And Ai is the princess of Sihalia.

Pan 2: Sato remarked.

Sato: Okay, so then what's she doing so far away from her home?

Sakura shook her head and looked down at Ai.

Sakura: Ask her not me.

Pan 3: Ai looked up at Sato and Sakura. She shifted her feet.

Ai: Well you see, I sort of ran away.

Sato cocked his eyebrow.

Sato: But you're royalty, why would you wanna run away?

Ai: That's why! Because I'm royalty. It's so boring, I don't ever get to do anything fun. I wanna have an adventure
and see the world!

Pan 4: Sakura began to speak.

Sakura: Well, I guess you can come along with us if you want.

Sato: Us? What do you mean by us?

Sakura: Please, you don't honestly think you're gonna find your way out of here all by your lonesome do you?

Pan 5: Sato mumbled.

Sato: Well, I was planning to.

Ai asked with a worried expression.

Ai: Wait a minute! Where are you going big brother?" "You see the thing is, Ai. I'm not a Bakemono, I'm human. I
got sucked into this world from the Forbidden Book."

Pan 6: Sakura punched Sato so hard he landed flat on his face.

Sakura: "Idiot! You can't just go around telling everyone you see that you're a human and think everything's going
to be all fine and dandy! Remember most Bakemono hate humans!"

Page 76

Pan 1: Sato pouted as he got back on his feet and dusted off his black pants.

Sato: Okay, Sakura. So then how do I get out of here?

Sakura: Well, I'm not too sure myself. But since the King of Sihalia is close by. We may be able to get some information from him."

Pan 2: Ai whined.

Ai: No, I don't wanna go back there! He'll make me stay there forever!

Pan 3: Sato bent down to her level so he could look at her in the eyes.

Sato: Don't worry, if you don't wanna stay you don't have to, I'll make sure of it."

Pan 4: Ai's eyes lit up.

Pan 5: Sato stood up straight again.

Sato: Come on, let's go to Sihalia.

Also, I used a format I saw some guy on youtube use. But if there is a better to way to go about writing this, please do let me know. So please let me know what you think. What you liked, disliked, what you think I could do better, etc. I look forward to hearing all of your guys' feedback!

« Last Edit: June 29, 2016, 03:12:59 AM by dmasterxd »
"You don't die for your friends. You live for them!"-Erza Scarlet (Fairy Tail)

Offline Adoss

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Re: Forbidden Book (Looking for feedback)
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2016, 12:22:20 AM »
I enjoyed this fam, but I was wondering, do you have an artist for this?
[img]http://*Link Removed*]

Offline dmasterxd

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Re: Forbidden Book (Looking for feedback)
« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2016, 01:28:30 AM »
I do not actually. Are you interested? I wouldn't be able to pay you though. *sweatdrops*
"You don't die for your friends. You live for them!"-Erza Scarlet (Fairy Tail)