Amateur writer looking for critique

[Razel07]

Chapter 1

These streets; where I live are dark, cold and unforgiving. Food is scares, the people keep to themselves in selfish huddles looking at me like a parricidal burden awaiting acceptance only to leach  on to what little they have to survive off.

Its insulting they think so little of me to need there help. I guess in a fair assumption that it's because I'm only a boy. In there eyes a poor defenceless boy.

I look to my stomach as it rumbles in hunger as a fellow street kid calls out my name, “Razel! The other kids are here. They're awaiting you.”

I devised a plan to investigate and steal from a group of drug dealers, returning to there masters for the final review of their spoils and called together a group of kids to help carry out the plan.

The three men led us down an alley way to make the transfer to another party when one of the older and bigger kids in our group decides he wants to take charge of the situation by taking the money now instead of following the man back to the hideout. I'm aggravated by this but decide to see how things play out.

We used our age to our advantage, begging for food or a means to get some. We played them right into our trap earning an easy score of a brown paper bag full of money.

We scattered and made our escape to the regroup point on top of a 10 story apartment building. 

As we celebrate amongst ourselves before distributing the money, the bigger kid decides to keep a larger portion of the cash to himself.

The other kids aren't impressed and try to claim back the money. Like a scatter of leaves in the wind we watched the bag of money drop down the side of the building by the fault of greed.

The boys bared witness to me throw the kid responsible for our loss to the ground as they sprinted to retrieve the money only to soon ignore me and continue. “You shouldn't have done that” I say while making my way towards him slowly.

A few moments past before I catch up to the boys who awaited me only managing to retrieve a small portion of our bounty as the rest had vanished in the wind. I told the boys not to worry about the older boy as they question me about his absence since the incident.

Later in the week we decide to rob again using different tactics to re build our inventory only to fall into the trap of our awaiting prey. They had been expecting us, hoping we would return to rob them again so they could retain there money.

They line us up along the wall at gun point ashamed at how easy we robbed them the first time. They start smacking some of us around to relieve there shame and remind us of our place. One of the dealers recognises me from our first encounter and labels me the leader to his boss as he recalls the boys following my orders.

The dealers boss nodes his head and one of his men drag me back from the wall; arm around my neck and his gun pointing at my head while another starts interrogating the boys along the wall. They make me watch as they smack them around in an effort for my own confession.

The boys are scared and don't know what to tell the aggressive men. The man with the gun reaches the youngest member of our group and aggressively asks him where his money is. The scared young boy is quick to tell the aggressive man the truth on how we lost most of it off the side of a building.

All the men start getting very aggravated, talking about how they're screwed if they don't get the big boss his money back. In an effort to save my group from more harm I tell the men to let the boys go and I'll get them there money.

The man in charge calls bull*censored* and gives the command to start picking us off one by one until he gets his money.

Desperately I manage to attack the man behind me disarming him and tell the boys to make a break for it.

A lot of them don't get very far as they're shot down by the confused aggravated men. Not even the youngest of us survived. The last thing I remember is being in a state of over whelming pain and uncontrollable rage as I await my turn to be executed.

“last chance boy” as the man points his gun at my head.

[Razel07]

Chapter 2

The room is dark, very spacious and made of stone from top to bottom in an ancient origin arcatectual manner. In the centre is a square arena with flamed torches in every corner. Surrounding the ring is what looks to be 50 humanoid shadow figures watching in silence standing as still as the stone structure that surrounds them.

In the centre of the ring come loud noises of metal slamming against metal in what sounds to be a battle of epic proportions in an effort to survive.

A young man in what looks to be extremely heavy battle armour covering his whole body with strange markings, made from what looks like bone, wielding light weight katana blades in each hand and one still un wielded on his back is exhaustingly fighting off against an unfair advantage of five skilled opponents, strapped with a multitude of weaponry from head to toe dressed in light weight battle armour made from leather and cloth.

We cut to the shadows of the still crowed whilst hearing metal upon metal clashes and grunts echoes through the cold room and work our way up a flight of solid stone stairs towards one character sitting upon a massive stone throne. The humanoid figure looks to be completely black as if he was made from the night itself. His eyes are glowing in a aura of red and spewing upwards towards his hair giving us a slight view of what he might look like watching the fight as still as the other spectators.

The young man is surprisingly fighting off the unrestrained multitudes of attacks with brilliant fighting skill but is getting slower and slower and cant seem to deal enough damage to the attackers to slow the assault.

One after another the attackers deal blow after blow connecting their swords through the tiny openings in his suit, drawing blood and more exhaustion than pain when suddenly he is kicked into mid air and sent flying to the edge of the ring and as if he weighs a tonne, breaking the concrete arena as he hits the floor. He struggles to try but is unable to move.

One of the assailants removes his mask, dropping his sword and sprinting towards his victim as if to be concerned for him. He looks to be in his late 20's and begins to assist in removing the helmet of his victim and suddenly in the background he hears from the man on the throne....
“Stop.... ENOUGH!” after sensing something in the far distance.

Everyone stops and watches as the man slowly appears from the shadows and walks down from his throne. As he is revealed, he appears to be a middle aged, muscular toned man with only a few grey hairs and humbly says “He's not the one.”

As he gets within touching distance of the young man he says “But that's not to say  he's completely useless”.

He helps the young man to his feet with little to no effort, bangs his palm against the young mans chest, lighting up the strange marking which causes his armour to piece by piece fall off of his body, not in any way harming the young man, revealing his pale, white, ghost like skin leaving only his helmet.

The older man says “you shall make a fine young captain”.
The young man pulls off his helmet with both hands and drops it on the ground breaking the concrete around it.

The armour then begins to turn into pure energy, whirl winding around the young man veraciously and makes its way into his body.

The young man smiles then opens his eyes which are glowing red, revealing similar markings the armour had.

[Razel07]

Chapter 3

I don't recall what happened next. Only that I awoke covered in blood, surrounded by the attackers mutilated bodies lying all around me. I was very confused, disorientated and a little freaked out at the scene.

It then began to rain heavily washing away the blood as I run to escape the epidemic.

A car slams its breaks on the side of the road next to me and a young girl a little older then me winds down the passenger seat window of the car and yells out to the man driving while pointing at me, “there he is Shane, Razel what are you doing get in the car” I look around confused as I've never seen her before in my life but she knows my name.

She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and a strange feeling comes over me like I know her some how. I feel frozen and powerless. Do they know what happened to me? do they know the people I robbed?

The man known as Shane gets out of the car “There you are boy, come on get in the car already”

Confused I hesitate and look back at the girl. She smiles at me with a small giggle and winds the window back up.

I feel a dark presence behind me creeping up the alley way and see the car as my best option and quickly make my way into the back seat.

The girl passes me a towel and tells me to dry myself off with it so I do. The man is very angry with me as he starts yelling, “Where the hell have you been son I've been looking for you for weeks now? Money doesn't make itself you know.”

He looks back to me to see if I'm listening and I'm just staring at the girl trying to figure *censored* out as she stares back at me smiling. Somehow she makes me feel weak but at peace.

Shane clicks his fingers in front of my face snapping me out of it “hey! What are you staring at, did you hear me?”

“What? who are you?” I reply. “I'm your dad you idiot what's the matter with you?”

This is all very strange to me as I remember growing up on the streets my whole life. Have I gone crazy. I come to agreement with the situation to see how things play out. Maybe there the ones who are crazy. I'll play there little game and see what I can exploit before things go south.

We arrive at the house hold which isn't too flash but paradise compared to what I'm used to. As I step through the front door I turn in disbelief that I live here when Shane starts to beat me veraciously telling me never to run away again.

The girl goes into her room quietly while I get beaten.

I then wake up the next morning in a bedroom on a bed, bruised up and a little saw from the beating. I've never been in a bed before, I've never had a room before. As I admire my surroundings the girl comes into my room and asks if I'm okay.
“yeah sure” I reply “Where am I?” “For now you're home Razel, listen, what ever Shane says or tells you to do can you please do it, for me?” “What? Why should I? Who are you?”, “please just trust me.”

I decide to humour her by doing what she asks and she kisses me on the cheek and whispers “It's time to go.”

I wake up in the same scenario as last time summing up the conversation I just had as a strange dream.

Shane than walks through the door of my room, “come on get up and get ready, we're going”. “Yeah sure” I reply. I begin looking around the room to try to see anything familiar. It's very spacious and messy with clothes lying all over the ground. “This is exactly how I pictured my room would look”. I even had my own shower and toilet.

I jump into the shower and experience warm water for the first time. It's very relaxing and soothing. After that I look through the drawers and closet for a set of clothes and find it all to be in great taste.

I then walk out ready to leave and meet a boy a little younger than me named Jacob and his father Andy. Shane and Andy find it strange as I ask the names of the boy and his dad as they believe I have already met them before.

The boy looks at me in a calm manor not surprised I asked for his name.

We than begin walking out to the car and I ask the question “wait what about that girl?” “What girl replies Shane” “Are you dreaming about girls already boy haha” says Andy. I decide to keep quite after that. 'Strange' I think to myself.

Jacob looks at me calmly and whispers “so... you've seen her to huh? It's best you do what she says, She knows more than you can imagine.”

[Razel07]

Character Bio,

RAZEL: Subject male orphan and the main protagonist of the story. He has a volcano of rage within him that is begging to erupt. The main emotion he feels is anger and he's not sure exactly why and the confusion angers him more. Razel finds out through his experiences that his anger gives him power and strength to perform at a higher level but struggles to control it as he seems to loose himself in the moment. Razel is later lead to believe that his anger and power are only natural being that he is the son of the Man who provoked the creation of this very world and the rival of the God who created us and is later trained in his teens by his fathers follower  in preparation for Armageddon. He is also the son of a woman who no one seems to have any form of information about. Or do they....?

JACOB: Subject male orphan and Razels rival. Jacob and Razel grew up together as kids and were later separated due to unfortunate events. Jacob doesn't share Razels anger issues and is instead more calm. In saying that Jacob is an exceptional fighter, he's just more strategic than violent and will come to a diplomatic solution using his head rather than brutal combat using his fists and spiritual abilities. Jacob also has a mysterious mother in which no one seems to no and his father is apparently God himself.

JARK: Subject male, clan leader of the demons and Razels father figure and trainer.  His brutal methods and acts seem random and unnecessary but prove affective and start making sense in a twisted sort of way. Jark looks to have his own agenda but his main purpose is to bring out Razel's full potential by any means necessary.

RABECCA: Subject female and part of the demon clan. Rebecca is timid yet powerful when pushed too far. She looks out for Razel by being his shoulder to cry on and his only path to a sensitive side. Rebecca isn't looking for strength or power and feels forced into a path by her own feelings but feels a sense of purpose to stay and fight for the one she loves and believes in.

UNKNOWN: Subject female. Little is known of this young lady or where she comes from except for her beauty, confidence and what seems to be un matchable strength. Every time Razel and her meet, Razel feels at peace and comfort, a feeling he has never before felt and senses something very familiar about her that has Razel knees shaken. The two are very attracted to each other in a professional way. This has Rebecca very jealous and pushes her to want to beat her in every way but cant seem to get close. Unknown looks at Rebecca like a rat in the sewer that doesn't deserve someone like Razel and should just die in a gutter.

LETTO: Subject male and Razels best friend. Covered in tattoos and pale skin Letto who is at least a decade older then Razel led the demon assault team as one of the clans youngest captains that ended up separating Razel and Jacob apart as kids and began Razels journey with the demons. Due to his insatiable lust for intelligence Letto is knowledgeable with both the demon and angel clan which provides him with future predicting like foresight making him a brilliant strategist. Letto for sees a series of unfortunate events about to take place soon after Razel is to captain his own assault team and ends up being the first to ex communicate himself from the clan by fighting his way out and disappearing.   

SETH: Subject male and the son of Unknown and Razel. Seth starts off placid through the beginning of his life and gets stronger and stronger through every minute of every day. He evolves in such a manner where he gains his prime adult body in a matter of only a few years. This becomes to much for him to control and ends up completely loosing himself in pure evil in the demon that becomes him. He becomes so over whelming with power he threatens the very foundations of the universe and becomes the Armageddon Razel prepared his whole life for but is this really the end or just the beginning.....?

[legomaestro]

Quick Review

1
These streets; where I live are dark, cold and unforgiving. Food is scares, the people keep to themselves in selfish huddles looking at me like a parricidal burden awaiting acceptance only to leach  on to what little they have to survive off.
*The streets where I live are dark, cold and unforgiving (No need for a semi colon there. The semicolon is used to join two or more EQUAL ideas in a sentence. E.g Some people eat rice with rice, some only with a fork or spoon)
*scarce
huddles looking at me like a parricidal burden awaiting acceptance only to leach  on to what little they have to survive off.
- This sentence is too confusing to understand. Could yo clarify?
*leech

2 Its insulting they think so little of me to need there help.
*it's insulting

3 I guess in a fair assumption that it's because I'm only a boy. In there eyes a poor defenceless boy.
- Consider revising it. I'll give a suggestion
*In their eyes i'm only a poor defenceless boy (That way you only need one sentence to explain what the narrator wants to express)

4
I look to my stomach as it rumbles in hunger as a fellow street kid calls out my name,
- Rumbling with hunger should be the first part of the sentence, because people can look to their stomach for many other reasons. If you explain first that his stomach rumbles with hunger though then we know he's looking at it because he heard it rumble.
This is something to keep track of as well with action scenes.  Instead of someone suddenly crying out in pain as someone punches him, you should describe him crying out in pain after being punched.

5 The three men led us down an alley way to make the transfer to another party when one of the older and bigger kids in our group decides he wants to take charge of the situation by taking the money now instead of following the man back to the hideout. I'm aggravated by this but decide to see how things play out.
- I need a little more descriptions to understand the scene. Is it day or night? Is it in a city or out in a forest? What's the weather? It doesn't need to be detailed, but like a tv script that is mostly dialogue uses small markers to describe the setting or stage, prose needs that more than ever.

6 We used our age to our advantage, begging for food or a means to get some. We played them right into our trap earning an easy score of a brown paper bag full of money.
- Wait isn't it a merciless world? I don't see people in the slums begging for money and managing to get a paper bag full of it. Even a beggar in a rich city doesn't easily get that much of a score. Consider clarifying.

7.
We scattered and made our escape to the regroup point on top of a 10 story apartment building.
- Now I know that it's a city, but make sure to add more of such descriptions

8. As we celebrate amongst ourselves before distributing the money, the bigger kid decides to keep a larger portion of the cash to himself.
The other kids aren't impressed and try to claim back the money. Like a scatter of leaves in the wind we watched the bag of money drop down the side of the building by the fault of greed.

"Wow! We got a lot of money from that one!"  Says Gazu
"It's all because Toshiro here is such a good beggar." Says Desmond ,"The couple that gave him money looked like they wanted to adopt him!"
They all laugh.
"Well, that was fun. Now let's talk portions." Says Kabuto . He is big for his age. Scary looking. Kabuto grabs the sack of money and starts looking through it. He takes a bundle of money that is almost half and then hands it back to Toshiro, who was holding the bag.
"There. Divide that amongst yourselves. I need this." He says.
"Wait! That's not fair!" Says Gazu, reaching for the money. The others shout as well and scramble for the money

-What I want to say is: Show not tell. It adds more character to the people and has us care some more. There are exceptions where you can just describe everything without being detailed with dialogue, but it's important in a story. You can keep descriptions to a minimum and just use dialogue, but you still need to show the events as they unfold rather than talking about them in a passive voice.

9. Later in the week we decide to rob again using different tactics to re build our inventory only to fall into the trap of our awaiting prey. They had been expecting us, hoping we would return to rob them again so they could retain there money.
- Wait they rob people or beg for money? I'm not sure if they're street thugs or not. Where did they get the weaponry and skill to rob? Who did they rob?

10. They line us up along the wall at gun point ashamed at how easy we robbed them the first time. They start smacking some of us around to relieve there shame and remind us of our place. One of the dealers recognises me from our first encounter and labels me the leader to his boss as he recalls the boys following my orders.
- Remember to describe the scenes. If this was a short story its fine to do something like this a little, but even then be careful.

11. Desperately I manage to attack the man behind me disarming him and tell the boys to make a break for it.
- Did he punch him? Kick him? Bite him? Describe how he attacked him to ground the story more.

12.
A lot of them don't get very far as they're shot down by the confused aggravated men. Not even the youngest of us survived. The last thing I remember is being in a state of over whelming pain and uncontrollable rage as I await my turn to be executed.
“last chance boy” as the man points his gun at my head.
- This tragic ending to the chapter would be even more so if you describe the characters and their names. As it is there are nameless characters who have all died. So consider fixing that in your revisions.

Cons
- More setting and scene description needed
- Some confusion from wording

Pros
- Shock ending that makes me interested in the next chapter
- Interesting MC

General Thoughts

Spoiler

As a first chapter I noticed it was on the short side, and as outlined in point number 8 it all comes down to describing scenes. I think you have the words to do that, so take a stab at it and the chapter will improve by quite a bit. Especially with how things end, it'd have a greater impact and make people interested in seeing what happens in the next chapter.

I felt a bit confused as to whether the kids were robbers or beggars. I was also not sure how they had weapons, and information I needed to understand a scene was missing.

There are some wording problems with things like 'aggravated' and 'parricidal' but these are things that you get used to fixing as you write more. All I can say is try to get your work reviewed as much as possible and read books. Make sure to review other people's works too on the forum at least, so that you can get feedback too. There's also things like Review Swaps and Writer's Roundtable to help with that.

I'm not sure what the genre for the story is, whether it'll be a drama on the streets or super abilities will be involved, but it's an interesting chapter. The main character is interesting as well. I wonder what his backstory is like. Razel is also a cool name.

I don't think I have time to check out the others, but I'll see when I do. For now take what you will from my points and ignore the rest. And above all, keep writing!
Cheers