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Author Topic: THe Quest Discussion  (Read 605 times)

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Offline Forlorn Serpent

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THe Quest Discussion
« on: April 17, 2016, 11:15:17 AM »
Be gentle... because i said so.  :tongue:

Offline Synctual

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Re: The Quest Discussion
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2016, 07:31:03 PM »
I'm just going to quote your story and post my comments in the spoiler below. But one thing I should say here is that the way you formatted your script made it a bit difficult to understand everything from time to time.

There is nothing but a line of spacing separating the dialogue from the character's actions. Something as small as putting quotation marks around the dialogue would make things a lot easier to read. If it's more comfortable that you write this way, that's fine. Just take into consideration that you should make it as presentable as possible.  :thumbsup:

Notes
Fade in:

I/e. Hospital - car - DAy (There are quite a lot of typos like this throughout the story. It made things a bit difficult to read.)

Abigail's Father, a shocked man in his late twenties, drives his pregnant wife BETH, a red haired exhausted woman, to the hospital. (Just a personal problem for me here. The title "Abigail's Father" is used all throughout the story instead of giving him an actual name. We were given a name for Abigail's Mother {Beth}, but not one for her father. It just seemed weird for me, especially since he was introduced as "Abigail's Father" when we as readers don't know who Abigail is yet.)

                     Abigail's Father

            Breath, Beth, Breath! (Probably seems like I'm just nitpicking at this point, sorry if it does lol. Nothing too big, just misspellings. You should probably go over your story after it's all typed up. Just to get rid of typos like these and really brush up the script.)

He drives around and parks his car.

LILITH, a black womanly creature appears in the rearview mirror for a second.

Abigail's Father looks back but nothing is there. 

Int. HOspital - Day

Abigail's Father pushes Beth, who sits in a wheelchair.

                     Abigail's Father

            Pregnant woman, get out of the way!

Beth breathes deeply in pain.

Int. Hospital - BEth's private room - day

Beth breathes even harder while Abigail's Father holds her hand.

A DOCTOR, a confidant elderly woman, gets in position between Beth's legs.

                     Doctor

            Start pushing.

Beth breaths heavily and starts pushing.


(Nice opening scene, I'm always a sucker for scenes like that.)

{SKIP}


I/e. Car - day

Abigail sits in the back seat while Abigail's Father drives. She looks out the window.

Large trees line the streets. Lilith stands at the edge of the tree line. Abigail stares at her as the car passes by.

They enter a parking lot filled with cars. 

                     Abigail's Father

            Is there anything you want at the store?

                     Abigail

            I want... I want... I don't know.

                     Abigail's Father

            Well, if you see anything you can pick one item at the store.

                     Abigail

            Awesome.
(During this scene, Abigail felt a bit emotionless. You should try adding more detail so we know how the characters are feeling instead of just having to infer. For example, when Abigail was unsure of what she wanted, you could have typed "(unsure)" in front of her dialogue or "she said unsure of what she wanted" afterwards. Simple, but helpful in understanding the character's emotions. The punctuation is also a bit offsetting. When Abigail said "Awesome", I feel like there should be an exclamation mark there instead of a period. However, if you were going for a kind of sarcastic awesome there then it's fine.)

{SKIP}


                     Abigail's Father

            Yeah, "meat"... me at the front counter. he, he.

                     Abigail

            That wasn't funny dad. (Shut up Abigail! I liked it lol.)

{SKIP}

Elizabeth grabs Abigail by the arm and drags her away.

                     Abigail

            But my strawberries.

                     Elizabeth

            They don't taste good anyway's. Lets go.

The clerks look at each other.

                     GermAN CLERK

            What a weird kid.
(Nice foreshadowing. Good job with this, it's subtle but I got it.  ;) )


{SKIP}


Ext. Backyard - day

Abigail grabs her sword and practice her swing.

She runs on top of a large boulder and holds the sword in the air.

Elizabeth walks towards Abigail from behind. CER, a small black dog with two spots on each side of her neck sniffs Abigail's feet. 

                     Abigail

            Not now Cer. (How the hell do you pronounce this!? It's been killing me man! {Sir?, Ker?} Tell me! lol)

Abigail pushes Cer aside. Cer walks towards an old dog house and rests near a tombstone. 

                     Abigail

            Grab your sword.

Elizabeth moves her arm sleeve up and drags a samurai sword out of it. She wields the long black sword and does sword tricks.

Abigail runs down the boulder swings her sword at Elizabeth.

                     Elizabeth

            You had all this time to rest and you look like you are already tired.

                     Abigail

            I'm not tired. I'm just thinking of a way to beat you.

                     Elizabeth

            You better hurry.

                     Abigail 

            Take this.

Abigail extends her sword and cuts Elizabeth's hand.

                     ELIZABETH

            Ah! You cut me.

Elizabeth drops her sword on the ground.

                     Abigail

            See. You can't beat me.

                     Elizabeth

            I wasn't expecting that.

Elizabeth falls on the floor.

                     Elizabeth

            Ah! I'm dying. No, not like this.

                     Abigail

            Ah! i'm dying too.

Abigail falls to the ground next to Elizabeth and they both begin to laugh. Cer runs up and licks Abigail's face.
(Cute. A nice scene that develops the relationship a bit more between Elizabeth and Abigail. Good job on that. And the fight scene was well described to me, so no complaints here.)

{SKIP}


Int. Abigial's room - day

Abigail grabs a book from her shelf.

Lightning strikes and the lights go out.

                     ABIGAIL

            Dad!

                     Abigail's Father (O.S.) (What does the "O.S." mean? I was just a bit confused here.)

            AH!

                     Abigail

            Are you okay!

                     Abigail's Father (O.S.)

            I cut myself, don't worry about it!

The lights turn back on.

She jumps on the bed and opens up a book. She spins around on the bed while searching for where she left off.


Ext. Imagination world - FOrtress - night

Abigail, dressed as a ninja, scales up a wall. A large fortress is fortified by numerous soldiers.

She examines the area and deduces a pathway. She runs down the wall and makes her way to the fortress. 

LIZI, A small child runs next to her.

                     ABIGAIL

            Get out of here!

                     Lizi

            I'm sworn to protect you. No matter what the cost.

                     ABigail

            I don't need you.

                     Lizi

            Irrelevant.

                     ABIGAIL

            It's totally relevant. You will compromise my mission.

                     Lizi

            I am only here to help.

                     AbIGAIL

            Then stay here.

Abigail stops and holds Lizi down. (I like these two interacting together already haha.)

                     ABigail

            Just wait here, i'll be back.

Lizi pouts and turns around.

Abigail runs towards the fortress.

{SKIP}


Ext. Valerie's house - day

Abigail walks to the house and knocks. She looks around and

(What happened here? It looks like some of the script got cut off. I was really confused at this part, because you know. A huge blank space and a cut off sentence lol.)





















Int. house - kitchen - day

Abigail's Father lifts up the pot top, steam rises. Mexican rice fills the pot. He swirls the rice.

Chicken cooks on the stove.

                     Abigail

            Are you almost done?

                     Abigail's Father

            Almost.

                     Valerie

            It really does smell good.

                     Abigail's Father

            Don't praise me until you taste it.

                     Abigail

            I'm hungry!

Abigail's Father quickly fills a plate with rice and chicken.

                     Abigail's Father

            Give me a second.

He places the plate in front of Abigail. He runs to the fill another plate.

                     Abigail's Father

            Blow first.

Abigail struggles to eat the hot rice. Valerie laughs at her attempt to handle the heat.

Abigail's Father places two plate on the table and sits down.

                     Abigail's Father

            Enjoy.

Valerie takes a bite.

                     Valerie

            It's good.

Abigail's Father looks at Valerie play with Abigail at the table while eating.

Abigail's Father picks ups the plates and sets them in the sink. He washes the plates while looking at Abigail and Valerie play swords through the window.

                     Valerie  (CONT'D)

            Not so hard.

                     Abigail

            Come on.

Abigail runs around swinging her stick.

He walks away.

Int. Abigail's Father's House - Abigail's Father's room - day

Abigail's Father picks out a book from his bookshelf. On the back, A picture of an older Elizabeth wearing glasses smiles next to Abigail's Father.
( :o Elizabeth = Beth?)
He exits carrying the book.

Int. Abigail's Father's House - Abigail's room - day

He places the book in her bookshelf and walks away.

Well, there you have it man. Those are all of my thoughts. I really liked this story, despite being confused sometimes. It was good and I think it has a lot of potential. I really liked Abigail as a character, she's a weird one, but a hearty one lol. I do think the chapter was a bit longer than it should have been, some scenes could be shaved, but it was good nonetheless. I'm looking forward to reading more.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2016, 07:34:55 PM by Synctual »

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Offline Forlorn Serpent

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Re: THe Quest Discussion
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2016, 10:20:23 PM »
The reason it looks super confusing is that copying an entire screenplay correctly in the message is impossible. Copy and paste destroys the format that it was originally intended. I will go back and try to actually edit everything to make it easier to read. Basically, this isn't a chapter. It is 30 minutes of an entire movie. The first act. I will look over your notes soon. Thank you for taking your time for reading. Please come by and reply back if I want to question your reasoning.