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Author Topic: Magic is Mine Discussion  (Read 824 times)

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Offline Forlorn Serpent

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Magic is Mine Discussion
« on: March 21, 2016, 08:06:43 AM »
I tried to fix the format but it's impossible. I understand, I tried to submit a script here too but it's hard to read if not formatted correctly.

Spoiler
Chapter 1 - Hero

In the throneroom the king sits on the throne with fearful anticipation as the Head Wizard chants in within the dark room illuminated only by the glowing magic circle several meters in front of him. Dozens of soldiers, a handful of apprentice wizards, as well as the queen and princess watch with bated breaths during the final moments of the ritual.

                                                                H. Wizard:
                              By the will of the Ancients and Divines I call you to appear before me!

The Head Wizard bangs his staff on the ground. With a spark and a flash that causes everyone to turn away the Head Wizard completes the spell with but a single word.

                                                               H. Wizard:
                                                               HERO!

POOF and THUD. A body lays before them all as the magic power in the room dissipates allowing the light to come through the large windows once again.

                                                               King:
                                                           Is that him?

                                                          H. Wizard:
                                                                ...

With a worried expression the king rises from his seat and rushes over to the body on the floor.
Murmurs begin to fill the room.

                                                         Soldier 1:
                                                      He looks...dead.

                                                        Soldier 2:
                                   Did the Head Wizard summon us a corpse?

                                                      Soldier 3:
                                         What good will a corpse do us!?

The voices begin to rise as doubt fills the minds of the onlookers.

                                                 General:
                                                  Silence!

A voice bellows across the room hushing the soldiers.

The General approaches the body to stand beside the king knelt down examining it.

                                                General:
                                                King.

                                                  King:
                               A young man, no, perhaps just a boy...

                                             H. Wizard:
                                                   ...

                                           Princess:
                                            Mother-

                                             Queen:
                                     Hush now child.

                                            King:
                       So this is the hero that will save our kingdom.

With a face of concern the General shows doubt as he looks upon the boy that looked weaker than any of the soldiers under his command.

                                         General:
                 How can a boy that looks as weak as a mouse save our kingdom?

                                            King:
             Have faith, General. For he may be our last hope in this time of war.

The General throws a glance at the Head Wizard who looks as still as a statue.

                                        General:
                                    For now, King...

The king nods as he stands.

                                         General:
                You two! Bring our "Hero" to the cleric and make sure he has a
               meal prepared for when he wakes. He will likely be confused so
                notify me when he regains consciousness.

                               Soldier 1 & 2:
                                       Yessir!

The two soldiers grab the "hero" by his arms and legs and carry him off.

                                     H. Wizard:
                     Oh dear Divines, what have I done?
 

{Flashback}

[In a random area of the castle]
Pacing back and forth with nothing but the weight of the world on his shoulders the Head Wizard mutters to himself.

H. Wizard: whatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdo

Janitor: Head Wizard? Are you alright?

A young man holding a broom approaches the H. Wizard with a curious look.

H. Wizard: whatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdo
Ignored.

Janitor: Umm, if you don't mind could you move? I need to sweep there.
H. Wizard: Gaaaah!!

He explodes.

H. Wizard: Can't you come back later?!

Janitor: I could, but...this is the third time I've asked now.

The Head Wizard takes a moment to examine his surroundings which nearly blind him as the floors all sparkle with a cleanliness that would put a mother to shame.

Janitor: Why are you so worried anyways, Head Wizard? You're barely older than me so you should try and relax a little or else you'll be an old man in no time.

The young Janitor says with a carefree smile.

H. Wizard: What would you know, you-you-you background character!

The Janitor pats the Head Wizard's shoulder with sympathetic eyes.

Janitor: Well, if I can help don't hesitate to ask.

H. Wizard: I will turn you into ash!

But before the Head Wizard can conjure a flame with the heat of a thousand suns to turn the happy-go-lucky cleaning man into cinders a lightbulb turns on and his moment of rage becomes a euphoric smile of epiphany.

H. Wizard: Actually...

Janitor: Hm?

...

Janitor: So all you want me to do is hold onto this?

The janitor gives the item in the palm of his hand another look. A small light blue gemstone sits there, completely transparent and easily mistaken for a lump of rough glass.

H. Wizard: Yes, that's right.

H.Wizard: While everyone is distracted by this waste of space I'll be long gone.

{End of Flashback}

[Throneroom]

H. Wizard: Why did I have to go an say I could summon a hero? Whywhywhywhywhy

General: Something the matter, Head Wizard?

The Head Wizard flinches at the mention of his name, but more corncerning is the hand on his shoulder. The General, with a tight grip that felt like it could crush a brick to dust, is holding onto the Head Wizard.

H. Wizard: Just that you could loosen that hold you have on me a little. Or completely. I'm not going to run away or anything.

General: Really?

The General asks with a tone and look that says be doesn't believe it.

H. Wizard: Damn this muscleheaded moose! Let me go! You can sink with this doomed ship with that fool of a king!

King: Head Wizard...

The king places his hand on the Head Wizard's other shoulder esentially trapping him in a burning barn.

King: I must thank you for bringing a small speck of hope to our kingdom where all seemed lost.

H. Wizard: W-well, your majesty I should really check on our Hero. Who knows what effect the summoning had on his mind and body.

King: I see. We shouldn't endanger the well-being of our saviour.
The king removes his hand from the Head Wizard's shoudler  though as he tries to walk away the General's hand pulls him back.
General: I'll accompany you.
H. Wizard: No need, really.
General: I'd like to see what the Hero is like in person. After all, even if he is the Hero he's still just one man and will need our support.
H. Wizard: Very well.
The Head Wizard says through clenched teeth.

...

[The Castle Infirmary]
Waking up with a headache the Janitor sits up in his bed to be greeted by intense stares.
Janitor: Umm... Hello?
Soldier 1: He's awake!
Soldier 2: I'll go notify General.
General: No need, soldier.
Soldier 1 & 2: General!
They both call with a salute.
General: Dismissed.
Soldier 1 & 2: Yessir!
The two soldiers both jog/march out of the room.
The cleric, a woman that looked like she was in her late twenties and dressed in a white gown, sighs.
Cleric: Didn't I tell you and your soldiers to be quiet when in the infirmary?
General: A-ah, r-right, I'm sorry.
The General seemed flustered but only for a moment as he turned his gaze to the Janitor in the bed.
General: He looks a little familiar...
General: So, you're the H-
H. Wizard: Welcome to our world, Hero!
The Head wizard shouts jumping in front of the General.
H. Wizard: I'm so glad Hero has come to save our kingdom! What a great person Hero is! Hero is a hero after all, right Hero!?
The Head Wizard's shouts are accompanied by a myriad of nudges and winks.
General: Be quiet!
The General pushes the Head Wizard aside by his face.
General: As I was saying, you're the hero?
As the General asked the Janitor notices out of the corner of his eye the Head Wizard apolgizing to an angry Cleric.
General: So?
The Janitor looks at the Head Wizard to find him tense and closing his eyes as hard as they can be closed. And he smiles.
Janitor: That's right, I'm the Hero.
The Head Wizard's eyes pop open and jaw drops in surprise. The General glances back at him with a raised brow.
General: Can you prove it?
The Head Wizard's heart almost stops.
Janitor: ...yes?
General: Is that an answer or a question?
Janitor: ...
General: ...
Janitor: No.
The General becomes visibly irritated.
General: You little punk, I'll-
Soldier 734: General!
An abrupt appearance from the famed Soldier 734 breaks the General's fiery fury.
General: What is it, soldier?
Soldier 734: We're under attack!
H. Wizard, General, & Cleric: !?
General: How did they get close enough to attack without us seeing them!?
Soldier 734: I don't know, sir. They seemed to appear out of nowhere.
The General clenches his fists in anger. Taking a moment to regain his composure he throws a glance at the Janitor though his gaze lands on the Head Wizard.
General: If that man really is the Hero you say he is then I expect both of you to come to the battlefield.
Soldier 734: General-
General: Steel yourself, soldier. We're going to war.
Soldier 734: Yessir!
The two army men leave the room with a heavy resolve.
Silence fills the room for a few moments before it's broken by the Cleric speaking to the Head Wizard.
Cleric: What about you?
H. Wizard: I...
Janitor: Let's go.
The Janitor says oh-so-casually as he hops out of bed.
H. Wizard: What? Hold on a minute.
Though his words are ignored as the Janitor walks out of the room and out of sight.
H. Wizard: I said wait!
The Head Wizard chases after him.
Cleric: I guess it's going to get a little busier from now on.
[In the hallway]
H. Wizard: Where are you going?
The Janitor stops and turns around.
Janitor: Where else? The battlefield.
H. Wizard: Wha- Are you insane!? You'll die!
Janitor: I'd say we're in a bit of a mess, don't you think?
H. Wizard: I guess so.
The Head Wizard shows visible confusion.
Janitor: Well it's a Janitor's duty to clean up messes.
The Janitor smiles proudly.
H. Wizard: Are you an idiot?
The Janitor continues to smile.
H. Wizard: You are.
Janitor: What are you planning on doing?
H. Wizard: I'm going to run away.
The Head Wizard says with a firm stance.
Janitor: Okay.
The Janitor says spinning back around and walking away.
H. Wizard: Wait!
The Janitor stops again but doesn't turn around.
Janitor: Do we really have the time to wait?
H. Wizard: Do you want to run away with me?
The Janitor puts on a smile the Head Wizard can't see.
Janitor: I didn't think you swung that way.
H. Wizard: I-idiot! I don't mean it like that!
The Head Wizard  lowers his head as he clenches his fists.
H. Wizard: It's just that it's my fault they think you're the hero and-
Janitor: See ya.
The Janitor throws a backhand wave over his should as he disappears around the corner.
The Head Wizard freezes for a few moments staring into space before popping back into reality.
H. Wizard: I have to run!

[Running through the halls]
H. Wizard: That idiot Janitor can die for all I care. Turning down my generosity like that!
Bursting into his own room which is riddled with magic doodads and gizmos the Head Wizard approaches a floor mat and throws it aside, revealing a magic circle with four gemstones similar to the one he gave the Janitor placed in the four cardinal points.
H. Wizard: Escape plan: Teleport away! Since that chanting in front of the King was just for show this'll just take a second and- ...why am I explaining this to myself? (don't be cute) :(
King: Head Wizard!
H. Wizard: Gyahh!
Barging into the room with the princess in tow the King is out of breath with a serious look on his face.
King: Please, Head Wizard...run away!
H. Wizard: Hah?
King: We are losing ground fast and it is likely the Hero will not be enough to save us.
H. Wizard: Because he's not actually a Hero.
King: Please run away and throw away any foolish thoughts of fighting to the death.
H. Wizard: I never had any.  :clapping:
King: You are far too young to die in a war caused by old fools.
H. Wizard: My thoughts exactly.  :clapping:
King: Still, I have but one last request as King of this doomed land: Please bring my daughter, the princess, with you.
H. Wizard: ...
King: I will not run and leave my people behind, it is my duty as a ruler, but my daughter is young as well and I do not wish to see her pay for the sins of her father.
H. Wizard: ...very well, if it is the request of the King then I shall carry it out.
H. Wizard: Thank the Divines. I thought he was going to ask me to fight.
King: Be brave, daughter. Let not the burden of our blood be the end of you.
The King departs quickly after those words clutching the sword hung on his waist.
H. Wizard: Princess...
H. Wizard: Though the situation is fortunate for me, it's also really awkward.
Princess: ...let us depart. I will not let it end like this.
H. Wizard: Okay. Then, please step into the circle.
The Head Wizard begins to focus and a surge of magic power fills the room giving it a dark tint, but just as he is about to invoke the spell the image of a retreating king enters the doorway.
A clash of swords as a man clad in armor swings furociously at the King who somehow manages to keep his guard.
King: Go! Now!
The King pushes back the knight with a kick. The Head Wizard looks back at the Princess gripping her dress tightly with both hands and biting her lip. The Head Wizard let's out a sigh.
From behind the King notices a flash of light and his heart sighs in relief, though he still holds his blade at attention while the knight rises from the ground. The King prepares himself for another trading of blows though his hands do not lie, they were shaking, numb from the blocked blow before.
King: I apologize, my daughter, for leaving you to such an ill fate. I was too weak to protect anyone. Not even an eternity in hell will be enough to to wash away this sin.  :sadbye:
Though his sword still held before him, the king knows he cannot defend. As the knight begins to swing his sword the Head Wizard explodes into the hallway and leaps in front of the King, thrusting the head of his staff into the breastplate of the knight.
H. Wizard: Disappear!
And he did. The Knight vanished leaving only the King and the Head Wizard in the hallway.
King: Head Wizard... Why did you- The Princess!
H. Wizard: Don't worry, I made sure to send her somewhere safe.
Though a moment of doubt runs across his face the King calms himself.
King: I trust you, Head Wizard.
H. Wizard: Thank you.
King: But you must still leave, this battle is far from over.
H. Wizard: More reason for me to stay.
H. Wizard: I must look so cool right now. But...

[Atop the cities front gate]
The sight that greets the Head Wizard is a gruesome scene portrait of death. A few miles from the kingdom a battle rages on between thousands of soldiers, the only difference being the overwhelming numbers of the enemy army.
General: Press forward! Do not give them an inch!
H. Wizard: Why didn't I run away?
The Head Wizard grimaces at his idiotic noble act.
H. Wizard: Speaking of idiots...
The Head Wizard scans the battlefield but comes up empty.
H. Wizard: That bastard! Some Hero he is! Though he actually isn't a hero...
The Head Wizard's moment of reflection comes to an abrupt stop as a flaming arrow whizzes past his head.
H. Wizard: That. Was. A. Mistake.
With his anger only intensified by the shoddy attempt at his life the Head Wizard disappears and reappears next to the General at the back of the battle.
General: I'm surprised you showed.
The General says as he shows no surprise.
H. Wizard: Me too.
General: So, can you conjure up some fireballs or do you plan on summoning another "Hero"?
H. Wizard: Be a little more grateful I showed up at all.
General: Show me you're not dead-weight and I'll gladly kneel at your feet.
H. Wizard: Hmph. Fine.
H. Wizard: Though I said that, Attack Magic isn't really my forte.
The Head Wizard holds up his staff with a weak wrist.
General: Hurry up, we won't be able to hold much longer.
The General says so with as he stares at the frontlines where his men are being cut down and pierced one after another.
H. Wizard: D-don't rush me! Magic isn't like a sword a trained monkey could swing around.
The Head Wizard focuses as magic power gathers above the heads of the enemy soldiers.
H. Wizard: Fireball!
His shout was filled with energy, alas his attack was not. Instead of a cascading torrent of fiery death naught but a puff of smoke that caused at most a cough or waving of a hand fell upon the enemies.
General: ...what was that?
H. Wizard: Fireball.
General: IN WHAT WORLD IS THAT A FIREBALL?!
H. Wizard: IN THE WORLD OF, "I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU DO BETTER!".
As the two bicker in the heat of battle a volley of arrows numbering the hundreds is fired from the enemy. The arrows arc far above their heads as gravity takes effect and their ascent begins to slow.
General: This is how it ends then.
H. Wizard: Maybe for you.
The Head Wizard pulls a light blue stone from his sleeve. Its faint glow increases dramatically in a moment and as it flashes the Head Wizard finds himself...in the same spot.
H. Wizard: Huh?
Too dumbstruck to understand what happened the Head Wizard flicks the stone in confusion.
General: Looks like you're not going anywhere.
H. Wizard: W-what happened!?
The arrows reach their peak and turn their heads to those of the Kingdom's soldiers as well as the General and Head Wizard. Oh, and the Janitor, broom and all.
Finally noticing the presence of the Janitor the Head Wizard's eyes widen and the General puts on a sarcastic smile.
General: Finally come to save the day?
Janitor: Yup.
H. Wizard: Didn't you run away?
Janitor: Weren't you going to?
The Head Wizard is taken by surprise as the Janitor tosses something at him. Catching it he recognizes it immediately: the gemstone he'd given to him before.
H. Wizard: Wha-? Then you're the reason my magic failed!
Janitor: It didn't fail, I just borrowed it.
H. Wizard: Borrow?! You're the reason I'm going to die!
Janitor: Sorry, I didn't know where the closest stone was so when I noticed yours was activated I decided to hijack it.
H. Wizard: Well good job! Now you can die with the rest of us!
Janitor: Die?
The Head Wizard points to the sky in an exasperated manner.
Janitor: Oh. That?
The Janitor waves his broom head side up and as if they were dust on a stone floor the arrows are flicked aside flying far from the battlefield.
In disbelief the Head Wizard and General stare dumbfounded at the Janitor. It also leaves much of the enemy army in disarray as confusion spreads through the ranks.
Not missing the opportunity, the trained military man he was, the General motions to advance.
General: Push forward! While the enemy is confused!
Janitor: Actually, would you mind telling them to retreat?
Lost for words the General takes a second to respond.
General: Are you insane?
Janitor: No, I'm the Hero.
The Janitor smiles.
Though his reluctance is painfully obvious the General, against his better judgement, called for a retreat.
General: Fall back! Fall back!
The soldiers at first skeptical about the flip-flop commands quickly retreated.
H. Wizard: What are you doing?! They'll run us through if we don't pressure them!
General: This Hero of yours already showed me one miracle. I'm just hoping he can pull off another.
H. Wizard: Forget them! I'm leaving!
Pulling out a stone once more the Head Wizard begins his own retreat but instead of glowing stronger the light in the stone seemed to fade more and more.
H. Wizard: Not again!
The General watches his soldiers struggle to defend as they fall back, their shields bashed and their armor battered.
General: I'm not sure what you plan to do but why did you want my men to retreat?
Janitor: I just didn't want them to get caught up in it.
General: It?
The General's question was answered as soon as it was asked. The sky turned a hue of orange-red. It was like the sunset had come in just a few seconds when just moments ago it was still only slightly after noon. Though the sun was far due from setting everyone was under the impression it had gotten lost, as it happened to find its way to the battlefield, hovering above their heads.
Janitor: Fireball.
As if mocking the Head Wizard's sad display before (though he didn't actually know about it) the Janitor let a mountain-sized sphere of flames descend upon the enemy. With just a moment spared to stare in awe at the sight before them the attacking army immediately began to retreat. Cries and shouts of doomed soldiers were drowned out by the sound of the roaring fire.

It's similarities to a beast did not end there. Upon impact the flames consumed its prey by the hundreds, the number only growing as the inferno flattened across the earth to encompass the entire enemy army devouring them like a hungry lion.
Feeling the heat at the very edges of the blaze the Kingdom's soldiers were ironically frozen. They could not help but watch in terror and amazement as the certain defeat turned to ash before their very eyes.
All but the General and Head Wizard were mesmerized by the flames. The two instead found greater wonder in the man before them, realizing one thing: He was their Hero.



Once i got use to reading it, i thought your story was great. It read fast, which is good. There were funny parts.
Make the Head Wizard a female. It's funnier and that's how i read it anyways.

I assume that this is a fantasy/comedy/ hero's tale?

Offline LittRL

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Re: Magic is Mine Discussion
« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2016, 12:47:39 PM »
Thanks for the review, Forlorn.

I noticed the issue of the script-ish format when I was editing the story in my post. Though I do like to keep it that way I'll likely fix it up by double spacing the dialogue, changing the font/using italics for non-dialogue, things of that nature.

I actually thought my pacing was a bit too fast. It took me about four days to write this because I kept stopping and only wrote when I felt like it so I thought it was longer before I went through it.

Almost did make the Head Wizard a girl halfway through because they seemed to be slowly drifting into tsundere waters, but instead I plan to keep them male.

Yup, always find myself thinking about fantasy stories and I can't help but put lame jokes and puns into my writing.
« Last Edit: March 21, 2016, 12:49:20 PM by LittRL »

Offline Forlorn Serpent

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Re: Magic is Mine Discussion
« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2016, 01:45:45 PM »
When you say script, do you mean teleplay or screenplay? Depending on which the pacing will drastically change. I'm sure you know since you wrote it in script format but i want to know so i can judge it better. if it is a screenplay, which is usually 90-120 pages, the pacing is fine. You need it to be quick. Even if you want to adapt it to a manga, you got a whole chapter ready to be illustrated. You had a whole character and plot arc that was completed which is important for an introduction.

When i say a quick read, i mean that i am not being bogged down with information. A screenplay/teleplay needs a lot of white space. If you had a slow read, especially in a script format, it would be thrown out. Prose goes in novels/short stories, not in screenplays. Scripts are just the bare minimum of what a story needs to be produced.

I will gladly read the rest of what you got. If you only have an outline, i can judge it still since i can see where your potential problems would be at. Especially if you have blank spots between beats. 

I think what you really want me to see is how "fresh" your story is. I've read a lot and i also know market trends. The use of word "Janitor" totally changed the world of kings and wizards that i'm use to. I hope you did that on purpose. I would expect servant boy but you used janitor, hilarious.


Offline LittRL

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Re: Magic is Mine Discussion
« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2016, 02:40:17 PM »
Wouldn't know. I just refer to any writing style that uses the whole "Name: Dialgoue" method as script. That's why I kept calling my format "script-ish".

Yeah, I guess I just have a different sense of length for my stories than a reader since I already know what's written so I jump ahead a lot when revising.

To be honest I'm working of a two line idea I jotted down and making it up as I go along, another reason it took so long to write a short piece.

Awnah, I'm not looking for freshness. Like I said, this is a hobby story. I just want to get back into my rhythm since it's been two years since last I wrote anything proper.

Thanks for the continued feedback.