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Author Topic: The Snow Fox and the Mountain Discussion  (Read 834 times)

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Offline Forlorn Serpent

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The Snow Fox and the Mountain Discussion
« on: March 18, 2016, 09:06:50 PM »
Let me know what you think.

Offline Masquerade

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Re: The Snow Fox and the Mountain Discussion
« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2016, 10:18:07 AM »
Thank you for reviewing my writing. The critique is much appreciated and something I was desperately seeking from a fellow writer. On to you. It won't be as precise and long as yours as I am on mobile and can't go back and review work and copy and paste it. I'd be here all day  ;D



The beginning was pretty good. You brought two distinct feelings and atmospheres and meshed them together in a way that was, I wouldn't say perfectly, but decently smooth nevertheless. Despite its "irrelevance" at that current point in time, I feel like describing what the monster looked like a bit more would've really upped the sense of doom as you mentioned in my review.

I really liked the kids. Their relationship was established early and the dialogue reflected it well. There were a couple of times I had to go back and retread a part or two cause I found myself getting lost in the children's dialogue from time to time. Maybe that's just me? Everyone is different in that regard. Does that mean you wrote it in a confusing way? No.

This will sound dumb, but it is very apparent that these are kids, so I felt you portrayed that well.


Overall, I'd say a 7.8 out of 10 so far. Some parts could be described more such as that beast I mentioned. But other than that, pretty solid. If you'd like, you can PM me and I could better communicate a few things to you. Seeing as both of us are pretty much newbies to this site anyway.

Offline LittRL

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Re: The Snow Fox and the Mountain Discussion
« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2016, 02:01:45 PM »
Here's my two cents:

The first paragraph confused me, not sure what it was trying to get across. Also confused by the melting man who would bleed but disappeared completely.

It also seems to me that although the children's characters seem well enough established and a mysterious force is apparent, the first chapter is more like an introduction/prelude as it leaves much untold without direction. I'm sure so long as the installments are read back to back that the flow will seem more natural but as a single chapter things seem very hectic for the reader. It may be helpful for the audience if instead you take the first scene and use it as the true introduction while the first chapter would begin here:
Quote
An exhausted family grabbed their luggage from the back of the moving truck. Three children, two girls, waited patiently for their father to finish. The father, with an unkempt beard and hair, shook uncontrollably with each foot step sinking deeper in the snow.

I enjoyed the characters though the scene transitions seemed to be a bit abrupt.

Offline Forlorn Serpent

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Re: The Snow Fox and the Mountain Discussion
« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2016, 03:07:24 PM »
Thanks for taking some time to read the first chapter.

The first paragraph was to set up the mood. I just put in there for fun. I thought it was "cool". Get it! :dance:
It's the moral of the story and it foreshadows the end choice that susie makes.
 Seriously though, This was originally a screenplay but i adapted it in a chapter format because it was just easier that way.  That is why every scene transitions quickly. I guess i didn't pad it enough. Thanks for that. By the way i will put up the next two chapters.

The reason why i started the moment i chose was because the story started five years prior. I moved it up to this point because it was the latest i could while still placing enough questions to draw in the reader. If you thought it ended abruptly, you are right. The scene had finished so i ended it there. 


The chapter is set up with this format in mind.

Ordinary world = man vs snow fox in a mountain with a family entering. Family settles in cabin.

Inciting incident= Snow fox messes with the children.

Rising action = No one believes Susie.

Climax= Susie is proven right when the snowman comes back to mock her.
 
Resolution= She destroys the snowman.

For the overall story structure, Act one is the set up.
Ordinary world=children go to cabin
Call to adventure= father is found dead
meet the mentor=snow fox appears to help family.
Rejection of the call=children do not want to follow the snow fox out of fear. children decide to follow the snow fox in order to save the father by killing the snow witch.
Crossing the threshold= children pass bridge. The snow fox ditches them but a man (the guy who died earlier) comes back to help them. (the real mentor by the way)