November 21, 2018, 10:58:03 AM

------------------------------------------

If you have Login Problems Use the Login in Top Menu Bar


------------------------------------------
If you have a problem registering here, Leave a msg at our FB Page >> Here.

Plz Don't use Hotmail to Register. You might not receive Activation mail. Use Other free mail provider like Gmail or Yahoo.






Author Topic: Wolfsong Discussion!  (Read 972 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Ennuiwolf

  • Writer and Color-er
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 183
  • Gender: Female
  • Animal Obsessed Freak!
    • View Profile
Wolfsong Discussion!
« on: February 21, 2016, 08:51:34 AM »
Got any views on my story? Any questions? Drop them in this thread

Offline Forlorn Serpent

  • Children's Book Author and Screenwriter
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 993
  • Gender: Male
  • Your Typical Unpublished Author... by choice
    • View Profile
Re: Wolfsong Discussion!
« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2016, 08:28:06 AM »
I'll read your story for a review. I saw that it is long, so it will take me a bit. Just wanted you to know that i will help since not many people do that here.

Make another thread for your other story that you submitted after this one. I got confused that you had two different stories. I will do both though.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2016, 09:43:34 AM by Forlorn Serpent »

Offline Forlorn Serpent

  • Children's Book Author and Screenwriter
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 993
  • Gender: Male
  • Your Typical Unpublished Author... by choice
    • View Profile
Re: Wolfsong Discussion!
« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2016, 10:34:57 AM »
I hope you don't take offense to what i am about to write. I'm here to help. Believe me, everything i say can be interpreted as being a "hater" but please understand, i'm only trying to help. Besides, this kind of review will only help you in the long run.

( ) are comments i put in your story.

I cut the fat from your story. You don't want to be wordy. I won't edit for grammar, but i will for plot progression and irregularities.

Spoiler
Prologue

The sound of a camp being set up rang through the trees, making it extremely obvious to all creatures that humans were in town. ( Are you using slang or are actually being descriptive? aren't they in a forest?)

These weren't the usual humans she was used to seeing. They were not from around these parts, which was shown in their loud clothing and noisy dogs. They didn't know how to respect the peace of the wild, disturbing every small critter's gradual drift into a deep hibernation. Some of the disturbed even poked their little heads out of their safety dens to see what was going on, while the rest simply tried to ignore the loud banging caused by the humans.

However, respecting the privacy of the animals wasn't their concern; these men were here for a game, they were here to play a sport, they were here to hunt.

These men were accomplished hunters, proved by the gigantic stuffed animal heads they had brought with them into the forest. (Kind of obsured, why would they carry their trophies around. I know you are using it to show how bad they are, but you can do better.) They had hunted all kinds of animals, from the great Moose of Canada, to the numerous Gemsbok in the faraway land of Africa to the elusive Clouded Leopard of the distant land of India. But there was one animal they hadn't got their clutches on yet, and that was the Wolf.

So far, they hadn't hunted a wolf because they felt it unworthy of such attention given that everybody seemed to want to hunt wolves. They preferred much more exotic game, much more exciting sport, and that they found while travelling the globe. But now they had exhausted most of the top game in the world and their love for the chase had begun to dwindle. So, before they finally put away their rifles, they decided to tie up some loose ends and finish their hunting career by hunting the one animal they had always put off.

Subsequently, along with their long success in hunting came a sense of pride and overconfidence. Since they had been able to kill some of the rarest species on earth, a wolf shouldn't be too hard. Then they could hang up their hats in peace. (obsured point, as a reader, your reasons for wolf hunting is already kind of mediocre. I think you are idolizing wolves.)

They had come prepared with bait and traps and guns, having previously done extensive research on the beasts. They thought they had come prepared for every eventuality. How wrong they were! (you just spoiled it. There is no suspense now)

She flicked her ear slightly, the corner of her mouth pulling up in a devious smile. Right from the start she realized that they had underestimated her. Well, if they were just going to write her off just like that, who's to say she couldn't have a little fun with them? (I have no picture in my mind for her. Is she anthropomorphic?)

She snuck into their camp at night, when all of them were in deep sleep, warm and cozy in their log cabin. She was smart enough to know to tread quietly, lest she wake the dogs. She had taken care to only launch her attack when the wind was in her favor. Closer and closer she crept to the sleeping dogs, the only sound being their breath and the almost inaudible sound of the snow crunching under her feet.

For some reason, the humans had let their dogs free, thinking that they wouldn't run away. They were right, the dogs were smart enough to know that sticking close to the humans was the only way to survive out here, and loyal enough to not leave their masters' sides. Well, she was smarter.

She lay down as one of the dogs began to stir, sniffing the air and blinking the sleep out of his eyes. He then turned his head to find two dangerous amber eyes fixed on him. Before he could react, she pounced on him, silencing him quickly enough to not wake the other dogs, dragging him off into the woods before finishing him off for good. (You are underestimating dog's perception skills. whimpers, the smell of blood, the wolf itself will cause every dog to wake up. )

Her cubs feasted on dog meat that night, and the pack ate its fill for the first time in a long while. However, having already eaten her fill, she slinked off back to the camp to see the humans' reactions.

As expected, the dogs were creating a huge row when they sensed the presence of the Wild right up against their fur. They were whining and barking, as if they knew what had happened to their companion the night before. They barked at the woods, straining against their chains, noticing the presence of a dangerous, unknown creature.

One of the men, a big, burly man with a tattoo the size of his forearm on his bicep (bad description) was investigating the dog's resting place. "This ain't too good," he muttered.

"What ain't?" a shorter, skinnier but muscular man asked.

"Sam's gone," the first man said, inspecting the tracks. "And this is where it gets bad; I think a wolf got him."

Another of his companions, a short, stocky man with a red face laughed. "Don't be a fool!" he chastised. "No wolf's that stupid to just come knocking on our doorstep."

The first man pointed to the tracks leading into the forest. "I see signs of a scuffle, and I see two pairs of tracks. One is Sam's, dragged, the poor guy was. The other one? It's too big for a dog. Can only be a wolf."

The second man picked up a hunting rifle, clicking the bullets into place. "Well, that wolf just made its last mistake."

The third man looked at him. "What are you, some kind of action hero?"

The second man shrugged. "Always wanted to say that though," he said under his breath so the other two wouldn't hear.

That day, the three men went with the idea that since the wolf had eaten one of their dogs, it must be starving. So, they set up some delicious bait and made some traps around the woods and near the camp.(it just ate a dog!) In their minds, since it had approached the camp, it would come back once more. Little did they know, she was already one step ahead of them. (you are destroying the suspense)
 
While they were out laying traps, they had left some of their valuable bait back at the camp. She slinked around to where they kept the box containing dead game like rabbits and partridges. They had no use of a lock, so all they did was simply close the cage. She nosed the handle, turning it out and opening the small cage. Once it was opened, she proceeded to take a few of the game in her mouth and trot off into the forest, safely burying them under a pile of snow before heading back to repeat the process. She did this till the cage was empty and the sun was beginning to dip over the horizon, signalling the end of the hunt. So, she closed the cage as effortlessly as she had opened it, going off to call her pack for a good meal.

When they got back, the dogs' behavior began to be more erratic than ever, either whining or barking and going crazy. That was when they spotted another set of tracks near the edge of the camp and followed it to their bait box, seemingly untouched. But as they got closer, they came to realize a very important thing: their valuable and precious bait was missing.

They were dumbfounded. There was no way something like this should have happened. Where did their bait go? Did someone steal it? If so, then who?

As they argued among themselves, the dogs stared off into the woods, trembling in their fur. Somehow, they seemed to know what would happen to either of them that night. It was as if they could feel her amber gaze burning through their thick coats.

At night, they tied up their dogs with unbreakable metal chains, confident that the wolf couldn't get their dogs this time. And surprisingly, she didn't approach the camp that night. Her dealings with humans were done for the day.

The next day, they decided to stick around back at the camp to watch over the bait box and possibly catch this mysterious wolf in the act. But while they were focused on watching the camp, she was off in the woods, tracking down all the traps and snares they had set and disabling them or setting them off with sticks, making them unusable now.

They were disappointed that the wolf hadn't showed a hide that day, and decided to go check in on the traps when morning arrived. However, since they were exhausted, they only tied their dogs up with ropes.

(The hunters brought dogs with them! Why are they not using them for the hunt!)

She snuck into the camp again that night, making the dogs tremble in fear before they could bark. They didn't bark because they didn't see her at all, but somehow knew she was there (dogs have incredible sense of smell and they can hear way better than people. A dog should know using their senses). And this terrified them. Scared that the humans would yell at them if they made too much noise, they settled for whimpering in fear. In fact, one of the dog's terror became such that he began chewing off his rope lead, leading the other to get wound up and do the same. Once free, both dogs were then presented with the sight of a wolf bathed in the light of the slowly dying campfire. (Look up how hunting dogs are trained. They bark to get their master's attention. You are just portraying dogs as inept animals.)

They ran into the woods, terror taking place over instinct. As they ran with all their might, they didn't realize that this had been a planned attack. They skidded to a stop far from the human camp, surrounded by dense wilderness all around. That was when other wolves made their appearance known.

This went on for a while, and as each day passed, the closer they got to the peak of winter and the more exasperated they were beginning to be. Whenever they went into the forest to set traps or hunt, she'd sneak into their camp and take away their bait or food supplies. When they would stay back at camp, she would be in the forest, disabling all their traps. No matter what they tried, they didn't seem to be able to outsmart her.

Once, they decided to leave their remaining dog tied up in a chain by their bait and food supplies. They had surmised that since she always took away their dogs, this would dumbfound her. Well, what she did was simply pounce on the dog before it could bark and maul it. She didn't kill it, it did it itself. The constant squirming and turning tightened the chain around its neck, strangling it in its state of terror. She then left the dog lying there as she raided the bait and food supplies, this time also taking away some of the guns they had left behind.

When they decided to do both, hunt as well as stay back at camp, she didn't bother with them. Those days were spent leading her cubs and pack to a den on the other side of their territory, further away from the humans.

But once, she slipped up. In the process of disabling a snare, she forgot to look for pits and when she realized it, it was too late. Her back legs then gave way to a pit about ten feet deep, finely crafted to not give out much hope for the animal caught in it. As she hit the ground, she gave out a yelp despite herself. She quickly turned herself upright as the shock was replaced with numbing pain. She paced around in the small area, looking out for some way to escape.

That was when her eyes caught onto small layers of rock embedded in the ground. While not big enough to use as a ledge, she could use them as stepping stones if she did it right. Standing up on her hind legs, she found that one of the stones was loose. With a lot of prodding, the stone finally came loose and fell to the ground.

Now this made for a small handy ledge. Jumping up on the rock beneath the one that had fallen out, she jumped as high as she could, mustering all the power of her muscles into her hind legs. She grabbed the edge, scrambling for a foothold for her legs.

Luckily, one of her pack had heard her yelp of pain and had come to help her, despite her warnings of not coming to this place. Avoiding all the set off traps, he ran over to her, grabbing the scruff of her neck between his powerful jaws and pulling with all his might. He was then able to pull her out enough that she managed to find a foothold, using her momentum to jump out.

As she lay by the pit, panting, her tongue lolling out, he prostrated himself in front of her, whining softly. He knew he had ignored one of her orders, and was now begging for forgiveness.

She grunted and got up, strolling away with him at her heels. If it weren't for him, she'd have most likely lost her foothold. She'd give him a pass this time.

And it finally came to the point where all their bait was gone, their weapons were gone, their dogs dead and food supplies on the low. That was when, cursing and grumbling, they decided to pack up and leave lest they kill themselves trying to hunt a measly wolf. (WHAT THE F!) (you just avoided real conflict. You built up a war, but didn't do anything with it).

As they packed up, they felt a very ominous presence staring at them. Whipping around, they finally saw the wolf face to face. Looking at her now, standing so confidently in triumph, they felt a speck of fear pull at their hearts. This wolf was responsible for killing their dogs, sabotaging their traps and taking away their food supplies. What could it do if it had decided to actually hunt down the humans themselves?

They left in a hurry after that, retelling the story of a mysterious wolf in a faraway Alaskan forest. They warned people not to go there.

This tale however sparked a fire in people's hearts. A new challenge! From then, people began to swarm one after the other to that forest in hopes of catching this mysterious wolf and proving the others wrong. Every time, they found their bait missing, traps disabled, food supplies dwindling, weapons disappearing and dogs killed. Researchers hoping to study this fascinating wolf that defied logic left disappointed as they could not collect a single bit of data, leading every one of their conclusions to be based on speculation. Photographers who came to capture this beautiful animal went home with their camera traps in shambles, either burnt or broken. And every time they packed up to leave, they would see a large wolf with strange red and grey fur staring at them.

And thus began the legend of the red she-wolf.

I get you are trying to create a legend but it just comes off as idolization. I still don't know if this is the real world, fantasy, or a mix of the two. Since i can tell from your avatar, you like wolves, have you read anything about wolves, like biology, psychology and stuff like that to add to your story. The girl wolf is obviously the alpha but what do you think happens when the alpha gets hurt? You personified the wolves for a reason, i just want to know what that reason is.

I will recommend that you look up reasons why you should never start with a prologue. Just google it when you have the time.  Also look up "show, don't tell" for writing stories.

Offline Forlorn Serpent

  • Children's Book Author and Screenwriter
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 993
  • Gender: Male
  • Your Typical Unpublished Author... by choice
    • View Profile
Re: Wolfsong Discussion!
« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2016, 11:01:10 AM »
Spoiler
Chapter 1

The chase was on.

Two people running at full speed through the streets drew curious gazes from onlookers. However, he had no time to stop to placate the people that they weren't crazy. Well, at least, he wasn't.

Jake had been running after this guy for hours now, and the strain was starting to show on his body. Every fiber in his body was screaming at him to just give up the chase but his mind disagreed. He had been pursuing this guy for three months, and now that he was finally in his grasp, he wasn't going to give up that easily.

So he had to forcibly shift through the crowds, yelling "Move aside, FBI!" as he struggled to keep pace with his target. Somehow, even through a crowded street, he was still able to keep at least two steps ahead of him.

Jake begged every lucky star he had to not let this go to waste. This was his shot at the big time and he wasn't going to let anyone ruin it.

The chase eventually made its way onto a barely crowded road, which he felt was suspicious.

Within two seconds, a large building loomed in front of him, and he paled when he saw a large signboard for the local high school.

He cursed under his breath as he sped up. He couldn't afford any casualties. He needed to wrap this up as quick as possible.

Luckily, the guy turned from running into the school towards a storehouse on the outside of the school. He looked around to check nobody was around as the guy ducked into the storehouse. Once he saw that the coast was clear, school happily in session, he dashed into the storehouse himself.

Once inside, he was met with a flurry of gunshots, forcing him to duck behind a few crates for cover. Peeping out from behind the crate, he saw that his target had taken shelter behind what looked like a huge stage prop of a castle. He has a pistol in his hand and was shooting in Jake's direction.

Ducking from a couple more shots, Jake reached inside his suit jacket and pulled out his own revolver, taking a couple of deep breaths to steady himself.

Leaning out from the side, he took a few shots of his own. The guy ducked behind the stage prop, however, since it was made of thermocol (Do you expect readers to know what that is) :notunderstand: and cardboard, it was poked full of holes within seconds. The guy then shifted behind another similar looking background prop, most likely a failed attempt at the first. Jake felt immensely more guilty as the process was repeated and the second prop ended up falling to the ground as well.

The guy shot at him a few times, taking care to shoot up surfaces with a lot of dust, before escaping out a back door. Once the dust cleared and he could see again, he felt his stomach drop as he saw a gate leading right into the school's courtyard.

He cursed under his breath once more as he scrambled to his feet, running at top speed out the open door. Once outside, he turned his head right and left to see where his target had gone.

His eyes locked onto the open school gate. Following it, his eyes fell upon his target slinking his way toward a seemingly unused building. Just as the school bell rang, he saw all the kids pour out of the school. At that moment, he felt his heart drop with relief. Now he could finish his mission in peace.

He began running towards the building. Looking up, he saw the silhouettes of a couple of students about to leave.

But just as he approached the building, a huge explosion shook every bone in his body and threw him back a few feet. His skin hurt and his eyes burned. He could taste blood in his mouth. His ears just wouldn't stop ringing, and at a point, all he heard was static. His body felt like it had been put through a meat grinder, it hurt so much.

He forced his eyes open, groaning from his place on the grass. His eyes then widened with what they beheld: the building exploded and in flames.

The windows had all been smashed, with glass lying all around, some even embedded in his skin. Huge flames burned through the open windows, growing steadily in size. Pieces of the building's structure were in shambles, and falling debris was a new risk. From where he lay, about ten feet away, he could feel the raging heat of the fire.

As his mind struggled to comprehend what just went on, his body gave out under him and he fell to the ground.

***

"Jacob Logan Carnell," the Chief said, raising his eyes from the bright green file in his hands. "32, unmarried, been in law enforcement since graduating high school. Came with high recommendation, leading to recruitment into the FBI."

Jake didn't say a word, quietly standing there. The Chief continued to pace in front of his desk, flipping a page in the file.

"You've been with the Bureau for five years, but have done nothing special at all. No special busts, no newsworthy captures, no contributions to the safety of the country." He looked up at him. "Am I correct?"

"Yes, sir," Jake answered in a low voice.

The older man, a tall, bulky man in his late fifties, with graying hair bringing out harsh blue eyes, studied the younger man. From looks alone, Jake was nothing special. He was on the skinnier side, with a mop of sandy hair and emerald green eyes twinkling with mischief. Anyone who looked at him would hardly believe that this guy could ever work for the FBI. Instead, he seemed like he could have belonged in an indie band.

He hated his guts right from the start.

"According to this report, you've been cracking down on this lead for seven months," he said. "But when you finally give chase, you don't call for backup." He glowered at the younger man. "You chase this guy, who could've given us gold-worthy information, into a freaking high school. You don't evacuate the school and call a SWAT team, but instead try to corner him off on your own. And what did this do?"

He threw the file down on the desk. Jake flinched slightly as he felt the thump from the file hitting the desk deep inside his heart. "Twelve students with minor injuries and five with serious injuries. And the guy, that could have given us gold-worthy information? Dead! Killed himself in that explosion!"

He slammed his hands down on the desk. "Do you know what this means, Agent Carnell? You crossed a line, didn't follow procedures and put innocent kids in danger. You're lucky no one was killed that day!"

Jake looked down. "I know, sir, I apologize."

"It's a tad bit too late for apologies now, isn't it, Carnell?" he said. "Thankfully, no one was fatally wounded, not even you. I could suspend you for what you've done, but I can't deny that this wasn't expected from you."

Ouch.

"You're not facing a suspension this time, but next time, for sure. As for now, you're off this case."

"Then...um...what should I be doing?" Jake quietly asked.

The Chief picked up another file. "I have another case for you." He slid the file over to Jake, who picked it up.

"Three months ago, a low ranking agent similar to you went on vacation. His vacation was only for two weeks. He hasn't returned."

Jake looked up at his superior. "You want me to..."

"To investigate his disappearance, yes," the Chief clarified. "We're not quite sure he's dead, and we've declared him Missing In Action for two months. We know this needs to be looked into, but we're unwilling to send in any of our good men." He looked up at Jake, picking up his pipe. "But now you've come along."

His shoulders drooped. He knew just what he was, just someone to do the Chief's dirty work. But then, it could be worse. "I understand," he sighed.

"Good," the Chief said. "You'd better leave and pack. You have a flight tomorrow to Alaska."

Jake saluted with a "Yes, sir" and ducked out of the office. As the door closed he could hear the sneering voice of the Chief behind him.

"Remember to pack warm!"

Better than the prologue.

Good news: dialogue was okay. You had an interesting intro with conflict. Just fact check, you need to do this in stories if you want to be credible.  I just want to know what do you think happens when a fbi agents causes children to be shot? You don't think the media will destroy him?

Bad news. This isn't the first chapter. You wrote the first act of the chapter. Also, before i reread it, i have no idea what the fbi's name is. That is bad. You keep using words that end in -ly. Quit that habit.

Try to read your stories out loud with a pen.

Offline Forlorn Serpent

  • Children's Book Author and Screenwriter
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 993
  • Gender: Male
  • Your Typical Unpublished Author... by choice
    • View Profile
Re: Wolfsong Discussion!
« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2016, 11:16:44 AM »
You have to merge chapter two with chapter 1. Boom, first chapter done.

Pacing was okay. I could follow everything without getting bored. I know you haven't had time to edit since i just replied earlier to chapter 1, but reread your story out loud. Choose the tense you want. I think you want third person-omniscient since we can read what the wolves are thinking (well prologue at least).  Go through every chapter and make sure your tenses are correct.

Offline Ennuiwolf

  • Writer and Color-er
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 183
  • Gender: Female
  • Animal Obsessed Freak!
    • View Profile
Re: Wolfsong Discussion!
« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2016, 03:54:55 AM »
That is amazing feedback! Thanks so much Forlorn Serpent!

I might edit it at a later date. In fact, I might rewrite the prologue, or just vamp it into the first chapter.

Will follow your notes closely!