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Author Topic: GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Chapther?  (Read 26 times)

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Offline JustHANO

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GAME[SAVE/LOAD] - Help Critique My First Chapther?
« on: August 14, 2018, 08:40:04 PM »
First sorry for the format I know it will probably suck.

This is GAME[SAVE/LOAD] it's my first LN/Manga that I've written in a LN style for now. I would love any and all critique as I am always trying to better my work. This story is greatly inspired by Scott Pilgrim VS The World at how it's world will be a very silly and relaxed one where nonsense seems to make the most sense. While it may be goofy at times I still want to keep a serious tone when it comes to the lessons and morals of the storys.

SUMMARY - In a world where kids are being born with supernatural abilities called power-ups, our main character Gilbert is born without one. That, plus the fact that he was never good at non-fighting game made him a prime target for bullying throughout his school life. But now, during his junior year of highschool, he discovers his true powers. Still, it's isn't all fun and games because his new powers lead him on a world-saving mission that has him wishing he never had any!

Spoiler
The edge of the large room was lined with arcade machines that painted the walls a variety of color, their title screens calling out to the students. This was the Arcade Club training room, which explained why the only other things on the wall are the bell and the dusty old clock. The clock read ten past three, not caring about the actual time. The dishonest clocks ticking was drowned out by the argument among the club members.
MARMADUKE
“Ask anyone Ghillie, no one would miss you if you quit. You’re actually just going to weigh us down in the baton round.”
Both of the boys are wearing their dark green school uniforms, but amidst the training rooms lights, they’re painted an array of colors, Gilbert slim more fit physique filled his uniform to the brim, throwing off the outfits darker color base with his bright blonde messy hair. Marmaduke stood around the same height as Gilbert, he was more round and ape-like with dark hair and skinny forearms that got huge near the elbows. Gilbert takes a step closer to Marmaduke as a small crowd gathers. Marmaduke laughs at the gesture.
MARMADUKE
“I don’t know if you’ve forgotten meathead, but you’re powerless. You’re nothing but a jock, so just because you took some boxing lessons doesn’t mean you can one-v-one me.”
Gilbert clenches his fist and takes a stance. He readies up a punch, but before he can move the coach comes between them.
COACH REGGIE
“This is arcade club, not a game. You either you leave the punches for Punch-Out or you can throw them at me.”
Coach Reggie towered over the two, facing Gilbert with his hands cross. He was an amazing professional gamer back in his days and now he’s training the next generation here at North Lowry High. Gilbert couldn’t help but gawk at how Reggie was so built even though he was a nerd. Gilbert could feel the pressure of the other club members on his back, he couldn’t back down now or he might as well just listen to Marmaduke and leave. Gilbert took a stance
GILBERT
“I hope you don’t regret saying that.”
Reggie stands over him with his arms still crossed, calling Gilbert's bluff. Gilbert cocks back his arm all the while taking a step forward. Head now tucked Gilbert follows thru, making for a powerful punch. Reggie is brushed by its shockwave as the punch stops short of his face. The crowd all flinch as the wind picks up, momentarily blinding them. Reggie didn’t move at all, arms still crossed now wearing an irritated look on his face as Gilbert’s changed to worried.
GILBERT
[He didn’t flinch...]
He didn't flinch. The wind generated by Gilberts’ punch died down and the crowd stood in shock. Gilbert didn’t hit the Coach but instead knocked off his red and white cap that he had always worn. The arcade machines betrayed the Coach, once his tools for teaching now shined upon his head. Their combined effort cast a glare over the crowd, blinding them once again. Screams could be heard from the students..
No one could see Coach Reggies’ face turn more and more red as he reached his boiling point. He leaned back, fully preparing for his turn to shake the room.
COACH REGGIE
“IF I DON’T SEE HANDS STUCK TO JOYSTICKS RIGHT NOW, I’ll GET THE GLUE AND DO IT MYSELF.”
His words blew wind across the room. That didn’t stop the club members from finding an arcade machine as quickly as possible.
COACH REGGIE
“AND YOU. GET TO THE TETRIS MACHINE NOW, I WANT 4 IN A ROW.”
Reggie then turned around to Marmaduke.
COACH REGGIE
“WHAT ARE YOU STILL STANDING THERE FOR? Get back on your Donkey Kong Jr sticks before I have you stacking blocks with this blockhead.”
Giving Gilbert a light knock on the head as he says that. Gilbert was still stunned. He hadn’t moved since his attempted punch. Marmaduke walked away, sticking his tongue out as Reggie turned around.
COACH REGGIE
“You heard me Gilbert. Get to it, before I add more.”
Gilbert cracks a nervous smile.
GILBERT
“Sorry Coach, I forgot the clock here is two hours off.”
Gilbert starts to head toward the door, along the way tossing Reggie the hat he had knocked off. The throw was off, proving that the glare was even too powerful for his eyes.
COACH REGGIE
“If you leave Gilbert you’re as good as done.”
His words followed Gilbert out the door. He picked up speed in the hallways of the school, eventually slamming through the entrance door emerging outside with the sun that lit up the urban neighborhood. Kids from other clubs had just been let out so he slowed down to make his way through traffic.

Looking to arrive at the arcade faster, Gilbert takes a shortcut through the alley. Turning the last corner too fast, he ends up lightly bumping into a tall teen in a red and gold uniform. Presuming the only person that tall that went to Ford Western High was his friend, he spun around in a fighting position, ready to play fight.
GILBERT
“Use your head before you…”
He was saying through a smile before he noticed who he was actually talking to. It was Alex, also known as Alexander, the notorious gang leader of The Greats. He wore the Ford Western uniform though you'd never catch him in school. His wild brown hair blew in the wind as he clenched his MMA gloves together.
ALEX
“Before what Gibby… I lose it?”
Gilbert stood up tall but was still a few inches short of Alex.
ALEX
“I don’t lose Gibby, especially not a fight.. You should know that yourself.”
GILBERT
“Cool, you just got done training?”
ALEX
“No, I just wear these everywhere.”
GILBERT
[Probably better off that way. His fist could do some serious damage.]
ALEX
“If you see Noa tell her to come to find me"
GILBERT
“I'm looking for her too actually...”
It was too late, Alex had already begun walking away. Gilbert remembered how he was in a hurry and takes off.




Gilbert arrives at an arcade right on the outskirts of the city. It looks old and beaten down with its one entrance being its giant garage door. Inside are games of a different variety than at his school. Instead of just old school classics, this arcade had beat-em-ups and fighting game, not included in the lineup at the arcade meet. Gilbert cuts through two grade-schooler to reach the Street Fighter 4 machine and queues up as random, getting Chun Li. Time seemed to fly by for Gilbert, he didn’t even notice he was being watched by the kids as he easily climbed the arcade mode. After a few rounds had gone by, another person had gathered behind Gilbert. This time it was another high schooler, the tall boy approached closer watching intently as his shadow crawls up on the screen.
GILBERT
“Hey Scotty, would you piss off. I don’t like it when you’re looming over my shoulder.”
SCOTTY
“Would you prefer I gave you a massage then? You seem tense there Gibby.”
He said cracking a smile
GILBERT
“You know I hate that name.”
SCOTTY
“And you don’t hate the name Gilbert? Dude your parents suck.”
Gilbert starts to get irritated; not only was he already in a bad mood, he was getting corner combo’d by a CPU and Scotty shadow was still cast over the screen
GILBERT
“I guess I do, but all the nicknames you come up with just sound too similar to your own name.”
SCOTTY
That's a lie, what about Insta-Gib.
GRADE SCHOOLER 1
“That name sounds coooool!”
Scotty turned to the kid, excited to tell his story.
SCOTTY
“You wanna know how I came up with it?”
They both shook their heads in excitement.
GILBERT
“Stop before you get them saying that.”
Scotty bent down on his knees to get to eye level with the kids. It didn’t work, he still loomed over them.
SCOTTY
“One fateful day, after a week of talking about it, both Gibby and Noa, the best at Street Fighters 4 met to face off. Noa was so confident she would win because her character, Sagat, countered Gibby main. But when they got in the match, a whole different story was told. She spammed fireballs like there was no tomorrow, but as soon as Gibby got in…”
Scotty ran his thumb across his throat, adding an eerie sound effect along with it. The kids listened along with stars in their eyes.
SCOTTY
“She didn’t get another chance to move. Back to back combos. She was out like a light.”
The light above their head flicked at that moment, showing the arcades age and the lights comedic timing.
SCOTTY
“Next round, Gibby instantly got in resulting in a perfect. That's when I started calling him insta-gib.”
The grade school clapped for the ending. Scotty smiled, proud of the story he had recalled for the kids. The kids had promptly got into a shoving match while gawking over Scotty’s story.
GRADE SCHOOLER  2
“Stay back Cake Walk, or I’ll insta-gib you!”
GRADE SCHOOLER 1
“Try it scrub, I’ve been watching Insta-Gib insta-gib before you were born!”
The kids run off deeper into the arcade, reenacting how they thought the match probably had gone.
GILBERT
“That’s just awful. Now you got them using such vile language.”
SCOTTY
“It’s a name.”
GILBERT
“It’s a awful name too!”
SCOTTY
“Ok ok, I got it. I’ll just stick with Gilbert then.”
Gilbert sighed. He didn’t want to say it because he knew he’d be boosting Scottys’ ego but,
GILBERT
“Well, it's just that…”
GILBERT
[I prefer Gibby.]
GILBERT
“I prefer Gibby...”
SCOTTY
“You prefer Gibby?!”
He prefers Gibby.
Scotty burst into laughter, enjoying the victory he just claimed. Gibby turned around to join in, giving up on the lost match to enjoy his youth. This was the closest thing Gibby had to a friendship, even though they became much more distant since Noa left. Scotty and Gibby walked around the arcade talking about whatever they could come up with and filling the awkward silences with a few games of the nearest machine. Gibby got eager to ask about Noa, that why he really came here. Noa had not been to school since club activities started. She had become a completely different person from before and stop talking to Gibby altogether. He knew things could go south if he brought her name up so lightly. A beckon appeared in the darkness  to help Gibby agenda. As the pair headed towards the entrance, preparing to leave, they spot another regular, Josh digging around under a machine for spare coins. He didn’t have any luck.
GIBBY
“Just buy a membership card already Josh.”
Josh whipped his head up, cracking his head on the pinball machine he was under.
The whole group giggled at Josh's’ blunder.
SCOTTY
“You hit your head so much you’d think your body would evolve and grow a little so you can start hitting your back instead.”
GIBBY
“God, your jokes are awful.”
Josh was a very small guy for his grade, at least height wise. Josh was probably heavier than both of them combined. He had black shaggy hair and always wore the same dark blue sweat suit even though he was a high schooler just like them. His body type was the complete opposite of Scotty’s, who tall and skinny body actually made him look intimidating even in his school uniform. Scotty went to Ford Western High School, so his red and gold uniform stood out among Josh and Gibby’s darker colors. His light brown curly hair had him on good terms with the ladies.
JOSH
“I heard that humans will never evolve again and it’s true.”
Josh's voice cracked as he was trying to get his point out.
JOSH
“You see, they say that because we’ve started getting power-ups upon birth, we’re at the strongest level we can be!”
GIBBY
“That’s not how evolution works at all. I bet you just made that up.”
SCOTTY
“Don’t worry, If what Joshy says is true then I guess you can still evolve Gibby.”
The conversation grew quiet. Gibby broke the silence with an awkward chuckle before the rest of them joined in.
GIBBY
“Once again, That’s not even how evolution works. Plus Scotty, I do have a power-up, it just doesn’t work.”
Scotty rubbed his head awkwardly laughing.
SCOTTY
“Probably just like a glitch or something. If I ever meet god or something I’ll report it to him for you.”
Gibby knew Scotty felt bad, but he didn’t really mind the joke. Gibby had been bullied all his life for not being able to use his power-up. In today's world, everyone is born with a power-up. Big or small, strong or weak, everyone has one they can use… except for Gibby. That added up with the fact he was only ever good at fighting games made him an outcast. Esports had been a dead scene for a while and arcade meets were the new and upcoming competition. The real reason the conversation got quiet was that Scotty jokes are always bad..
JOSH
“You guys got the crew back together or what?”
Scotty and Gibby looked at each other before shaking their head no. The pair remembered the fight they had over Noa a few months back. Their blood was spilled for the heart of a girl who didn't want theirs. The intense battle raged on for hours, toy after toy was fetched from the claw machines. Pockets were emptied and machines grew barren. Some speculated that it would last for days, but as closing hours grew near, Scotty was decided the winner after hooking two bears on the last round. He was rejected shortly afterward.

GIBBY
“where is Noa actually, someone wanted me to tell her something.”
JOSH
“ I heard some people in all black suits came and took her away after she left a high score on a Polybius, you see….”
Scotty started his deep breathing exercises, leaving an annoyed Gibby with Josh's stories.
GIBBY
“There he goes again.”
JOSH
“Sorry, was it me?”
SCOTTY
“No, it's not you Joshy.”
Scotty’s power-up is Doki-Doki. It makes Scotty perceive time more slowly as his heart rate rises. Gibby knew talking about Noa would get Scotty’s heart racing.
GIBBY
[Since they have nothing on Noa I guess I’ll just go knock on her door]

As Josh tried to mend Scotty’s racing heart, Gibby slipped towards the exit and announced his leave before running north towards Noa’s place.

Gibby arrived in front of his destination, out of breath from the run. He wasted no time on recovering and ran straight to the back. Things begin to get weird as he climbs up the side of the house. I start to feel as though someone should call the cops as he opens the window to Noa’s house. Clearly, he has done this before, slipping through the window, he comes out the other side right into a room filled with stuffed animals and video games. Gibby can hear the pitter-patter of water.
GIBBY
[ Oh no, she’s in the shower now?]
The water suddenly stopped. Panicked, Gibby runs into the closet.
GIBBY
[*censored*! What if she’s naked! I mean I wouldn’t mind… but she’d kill me if I saw! Maybe she wouldn’t mind her?]
Gibby contemplated these thoughts as the footsteps got closer and the door to her room swung open.
GIBBY
[ Her clothes are in here…]
He silently facepalms himself. Gibby could hear someone getting closer and closer to the door as impure thought ran through his head. The door opened to reveal Noa, fully cloth in her usual get up; A hoodie (this time pink) and a short skirt. She wasn’t too happy to see Gibby in her closet.

GIBBY
“Wait, before you do anything rash, I promise this can be explained. Why you came out of the shower with a hoodie on though…”
Noa said nothing. Her long blonde hair flips through the air as she whistled. Out from the shadows appeared two dogs, perfectly black and already prepared to attack.
GIBBY
“Okay, I get it. To be honest with you, I’m from the future and I'm sorry to say but, you die today.”
A nervous smile inches across his face, Noa’s doesn’t change.
NOA
“Cebures, sic 'em"
The sinister creatures lunged at Gibby. The attack started with the dogs nipping at Gibby's shoes. He begged Noa to call them off but to no avail. Oh god, they sank their teeth into separate limbs before ripping flesh away from his body. Gibby screamed, but no one would come to his rescue. He could do nothing to change his fate now. One dog jumped on top of him biting into his neck. His body became lifeless as the fiends tore apart pieces of his body. Even as it was apparent that Gibby was no longer living, the dogs continued. My lord, they start to play with his eyeballs like tennis balls... That was horrific. Maybe next time, for my sake, I'll just describe something else, like anything.

Despite the vicious attack, Gibby lived on. Not in the present, but from two weeks ago. He slowly opens his eyes to a beautiful view of the wishing well he had come to know so well.  He digs around his pocket for a quarter but fails to find one.
GIBBY
[ I can't give up yet. In __ months, the world will end. I saw it, regardless of how ridiculous it sounds, I watched the moon crash into the earth. I've tried it all, but no one will believe me and I don't have the power to stop it by myself. That just means I have to stop it before it happens, and assuming Noa's death have something to do with it, I'll focus on saving her. ]

Gibby was only here today because of his power-up, Game [Save/Load]. With this, he would load back to a save point everytime he died. It took the destruction of the earth to find out about his power, but with it, he has put his efforts towards stopping the event. This was his 29th try and he could only wish for the task to get easier.

This time around Gibby played things differently leading up to Noa’s death. Instead of joining the arcade club, he tried to raise as many flags as he could with her, leading to a substantial amount of near-death experiences.

It was the day of Noa’s inevitable passing and Gibby was over west, far away from her house.
GIBBY
[ Since Alex was looking for her, I figure she’ll head over to The Greats hideout, which should be somewhere over here.]
Gibby walked through the endless alleyways of the western part of the city. Usually, the alleys would be a dangerous choice due to the gangs of delinquents that roam around the city, but everyone knew the west belonged to Alex and The Greats. They were suspects in Gibby’s book so running into one of their members was part of his plan. He got much less confident when he started to hear grunts followed by the smashing of glass up ahead. He didn’t let his fear show as the culprit approached from the alley in front of him.

He saw her through the shadow cast by the gloomy night.
GIBBY
[ That outfit. The hood and the sword, she can’t be.]
She wore a green hoodie that was that was big enough for someone Scotty’s size, held tight by her belt, which bore a stylish gold buckle. Enough her lower half was covered to leave plenty up for imagination. The hoodie stop near her knees, where her white tights lead into her over-worn boots. The wooden sword she carried sealed the deal for Gibby.
GIBBY
“Why are you cosplaying link, at night, in the middle of gang territory?”
LINK COS-PLAYER
“ I am not Link. I am Tessa and I’ve been summoned here to save this world from evil.”
GIBBY
“That’s a good one, but Link isn't supposed to talk.”
Gibby smile rushed away as Tessa readied her sword. Gibby took a stance. The two stared each other down till Tessa put her sword down.
TESSA
“Your intentions today seem to be pure.”
Tessa straight face started to become agitated. Gibby could barely see it through her blonde hair that filled out most of her hood.
TESSA
“Your face says trouble but your aura says otherwise”
GIBBY
“Thank you?”
TESSA
“I need your help questionable one. I chased a very sinister being to this plain, but it seems you have many people just as evil”
GIBBY
[ No surprise there.]
“The names Gilbert, you can call me Gibby. And if you want my advice, get a real weapon. The wooden sword doesn’t really scream master sword for me. Plus I doubt you could face evil beings with that.”
TESSA
“The last man disagrees with you. Through his confusing laughter, he explained how dangerous it was to venture here and insisted that I take this.”
GIBBY
“And his laughter didn’t tip you off?”
TESSA
“He claimed he was dying and what’s worse than you turn down a dying man’s wish. It has proven itself quite useful in a variety of task as well.”
GIBBY
“Hm, I can tell you’re very pure”
[Yet so dumb.]
TESSA
“Then show trust and lend me your hand to stop the evil that has crossed over.”
She held her hand out.

Before Gibby could even think about the agreement, Tessa jetted forward, circling around him. She readies her sword, pointing it towards the person who now entered their vision. It was none other than Noa, who had stumble across the scene.
GIBBY
“Noa.”
NOA
“Hey. what’s up with your friend.”
TESSA
“I can sense the evil that lives inside you. I will free you from that evil, only at the cost of your foreseeable future in this world.”
NOA
“Was that a threat?”
TESSA
“In my experience, I’ve only come to make promises”
Noa whistle to beckon her two dogs to appear, but before any blood would be shed, Gibby interrupts.
GIBBY
“Hold on Tess, she’s not a bad person”
TESSA
“You can trust that she’s up to no good, I sense it.”
GIBBY
“There’s a middle ground, not all bad is enough to warrant death”
TESSA
“Meaning?”
GIBBY
“She’s just going through a-a phase I guess. A bit emo that all”
TESSA
“I see, so my sense can not be the judge and executioner like before. If we wish to be a team than trust must be shown by each party.”
NOA
“A phase? A bit emo…”
Noa looked very fed up with the whole interaction.
TESSA
“Yes, let us both move on with the understanding that those are the reason you are alive now.”
GIBBY
“Wait, Noa, let me just explain”
Now at her boiling point, Gibby was walking on thin ice.
GIBBY
“I’m pretty sure I’ve done it. I just saved your life!”
Gibby’s excitement for the changing of the status quo was mistaken by Noa, who shortly after turned both Tessa and him to coins.

The death wasn’t as clean as you might of think. The memory of that death haunted Gibby into his next life. He opened his eyes in a panic and there he was back in front of the wishing well with his disturbing end in his head. He frantically ran over to the well and dived on its wall. He begins madly fishing around for a quarter.
GIBBY
[DAMN IT! I wished for my power-up to work, but I didn’t expect all this! Give me my freaking peaceful life back!]
Gibby ends up falling into the well. Unmotivated, he gets out of the well soaking wet with everyone's eyes on him. This was his 30th try at saving the world and he could only wish for the task to get easier, so that what he did. He stood there in front of the well with a hand full of quarter tossed them all in.

Side note
- I now see that I didn't need to add their names everytime they talked and from now on I won't.
- Also how do you feel about the narrator. I like how he's his own kinda person for a LN, but i don't think it'd like it if it ever became a manga.