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Author Topic: Outbreak! character breakdown. feedback appreciated!  (Read 4419 times)

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Offline roadkill404

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Outbreak! character breakdown. feedback appreciated!
« on: January 23, 2016, 07:48:58 PM »
****update****

****Considering the feedback I've received, I've made some modifications to each character. However theres a slight miscommunication between what I've envisioned and what I've previously posted. I was afraid to make this post too "wordy" by going in depth. Should I post each character's back story and abilities iindividually? Or should I make an insanely long post cramming everything together? Thanks!*****


****Original post****

“Outbreak!” And “Outbreak! OP Company” (three years later) character break down

Main (ascending based off of introduction):
•   Killian Murray: Introductory age, roughly 28. Sex: Male. Background, unknown.  His government file contains more black ink than a printer cartridge newly purchased from Staples. He awakens in a hospital after an intense surgery. The physical and psychological trauma during the first skeletal bionic upgrades ever attempted makes him amnesic. When he woke up he met a very seedy individual with a “proposition”. Leader of the “OP Company”, he’s exemplary at leadership, guerilla warfare, close quarters combat, and small arms weaponry (pistols to SMGs). Level headed, decisive, and quick witted, he  practically takes control of the battle field regardless of the situation. Ability: electrical generator (ability to charge electricity within his body, but requires an outside conductor to release it)
•   Cassandra Callahan: Introductory aged, 23. Sex:/Female. Background, Military RVN. Rarely attended Killian’s medical operations but knowledgeable of his medical history. Saved by Killian in the hospital she tended to him during the “Apocalypse Outbreak” she has devoted her life to him. Specializes in support and first aid. Ability: wind user. She controls wind mostly as a supporting roll to amplify the team's abilities, but if needed she can use it offensively. Preferred fighting range: mid.
•   Mouth: Introductory age, roughly 13. Sex: Unknown. Background, previous captive of a child slave ring. Rescued by Killian and Cassandra from a horde of “Freshies” (recently turned zombies). Hot headed, trigger happy, yandere/tsundere. Infatuated with Killian but the abuse from the past causes confusion. Ability: Condensation and expansion. Mouth needs to physically touch an object to get a feeling of its structure. Once that happens, Mouth can condense it to a tournament approved marble and expanded it at will. This comes from the deep seeded hatred and desire to crush the things that are uncontrollable in life regardless of how well known it is to Mouth. Eventual expertise is mid ranged combat (slingshot, pistols, throwing knives), and long range (sniper rifle, hunting bow). Mouth swaps out the bullet points with her “marbles” or loads them into the slingshot to maximize carnage on the battlefield field.
•   KID: Introductory age, roughly 15. Background, shared a cell with Mouth. Three years Mouth's senior in captivity, her psyche has been completely shattered. She often speaks in incoherent and incomplete sentences unless she’s in her bloodlust lucid periods, then her dual personality emerges and she turns into an unstoppable killing machine. Ability: dimensional warp (she shifts into another plane of existence that slows time in the third dimension. It mimics teleportation or invisibility) based off her desires to hide from threats. Expertise, dual wield dagger close combat.
•   Michie Mcclain: Introductory age, 27. Background, Detective before the “Outbreak Apocalypse” and ex-SWAT member. He was outnumbered and outgunned trying to rescue Kid during “cargo transfer” when Killian’s gang stepped in. Die Hard (Yipee Kai Yay *censored*!). Closet Otaku. He’s Mouth's tutor in weaponology, tactics, and proficiency (per Killian's directive). They have a father/daughter relationship. He has a warped moral code of good and evil and often clashes with Killian. Ability: fire Manipulator. He can take a spark and manifest it into a blazing inferno. Preferred combat: mid to long range. Often uses the spark of a bullet being fired in combination with his attacks.
•   Kale Sheffield: Introductory age, 19. Background, international cyber “terrorist”. She achieved hacking several international agencies in a vendetta to avenge the wrongful prosecution and incarceration of her father, who was in the US Navy. After managing to piss off several agencies and their shadow organizations, her safest choice of survival was turning herself into the FBI in a very public fashion. During the Apocalypse Outbreak, she was approached by a seedy man with a proposition. She is cold, callused, and indifferent. The only gratification she seems to achieve is getting under Michie's skin. Ability: Water Manipulator. If there’s moisture around, it’s a weapon. She can create maelstroms with large bodies of water or turn the smallest droplet into a frozen projectile. Preferred combat range, mid.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2016, 09:17:33 PM by roadkill404 »

Offline Johtoh

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Re: Outbreak! character breakdown. feedback appreciated!
« Reply #1 on: January 25, 2016, 01:45:42 AM »
In terms of character backgrounds, all of them are action oriented. Might want to lighten up on some characters and have them be more.. realistic?.. No, thats not the correct term. I think less specialized would be good. With a lot of skills the character has, the more background that comes with it. So youre basically giving yourself a ton of backstories which will explain how the characters to be who they are. When you look at the characters in general, it all stems for war. Makes things a bit gloomy no?

On a side note. You dont have to necessarily change the backstories at all. You have to make sure you write in a way that doesnt expose too much of each one so ones attention is gradually kept.

But i mean what do i know, i suck at writing.

Offline Walter B

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Re: Outbreak! character breakdown. feedback appreciated!
« Reply #2 on: January 25, 2016, 08:46:07 PM »
I get a "darker than black" vibe from it. Seems like a cool manga  ;)

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age, roughly 13. Sex: Unknown

Sex Unknown???  :blush: How is that even possible

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Mouth needs to physically touch an object to get a feeling of its structure

I read this as it needed to put an object in his/her mouth before realizing mouth is the name.

Thats not a very good name IMO

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Ability: dimensional warp (she shifts into another plane of existence that slows time in the third dimension. It mimics teleportation or invisibility)

That power seems WAAAAY stronger than the others.

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Kale Sheffield: Introductory age, 19. Background, international cyber “terrorist”. Ability: Water Manipulator.

Like Johtoh said, all of your characters seem like would be involved in the action. Usually, the "IT hacker guy" in the team has no powers and just provides the hacking.

Maybe you could make the girl just a hacker and give the water ability to a new character? Or whatever. Seems good either way.

Do you have any explanation so far as where do the powers come from? Or they just happen to have powers?

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Offline roadkill404

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Re: Outbreak! character breakdown. feedback appreciated!
« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2016, 08:33:23 PM »
Johtoh:

I'm pretty sure you have a grasp on how I'm developing this story. The first half focuses on each main character in this order: Pre Outbreak!" life, early "Outbreak!" Experiences, and the point where they encounter Killian. During their arcs the gradually discover their abilities. Killian essentially refines them into being able to use them in a group dynamic. "Outbreak! OP Company" focuses on them just when they hit their prime, but are forced to divide their forces to accomplish their mission.
 
Walter B:

"Mouth" was kidnapped at a very young age. Doesn't remember the past well except in flashbacks and dreams that are hazy. The name "Mouth" was given because of Mouth's flippancy and refusal to submit. Despite the mental, physical, and hinted at sexual trauma received, Mouth is incredibly headstrong.
Mouth's sexuality is called into question constantly because of the male/feminine persona displayed. To be honest I'm still playing with this concept. Eunuch before adolescence? Tomboy who refuses to reveal her gender because of abuse? Or an effeminate boy in the previous role.

Kid's power is certainly OP, but she definitely has limits. Since she's ppsychologically broken she can'tnormally use the ability to her full ppotential.  She can only use her full power at max for two to three minutes, in this dimension and when she's in "bloodlust mode (full lucidity), otherwise she uses her powers limited, kind of like flicking a light switch on and off rapidly, causing a " blinking effect"

I definitely do have an explanation, but its pretty complex and spoils the series hardcore. Jumping straight to the explanation kinda ruins the story. Overall I'm shooting for a 70's mad max, over the top feel while combining the dystopian idea of the same decade taking place in relatively close futuristic concepts, topped off with "Tarentino" dialogue.

I also apologize for my noob response on this thread. I haven't gotten the hang of the mobile version on this site yet...
« Last Edit: January 28, 2016, 09:06:46 PM by roadkill404 »

Offline MisterSherbetLemon

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Re: Outbreak! character breakdown. feedback appreciated!
« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2016, 06:59:35 AM »
Killian Murray: If he's a natural leader, this either needs to be formed gradually in the story or some time needs to have passed since he woke up. I think it would be unrealistic for him to be offered leadership right away when he's suffering amnesia. Perhaps have an original leader who is killed in action during some of the OP Company's early missions? Killian should develop into a leader rather than start as one.

Cassandra Callahan: Wind abilities that amplify abilities reminds me of Wendy from Fairy Tail a little too much. A different element or something a little more abstract may be more unique to heal and support allies.

Mouth: I like this character, the fact that he/she has the ability to understand the structure of things makes it more interesting that he/she doesn't understand their feelings for Killian or for people in general.

KID: Interesting character but I feel KID and Mouth are a little too alike in certain aspects of their social inabilities. The dimensional warp seems a little OP compared to the others if teleportation AND invisibility are powers she can wield. I say go for one or the other.

Michie Mcclain: I feel this one should be a little older but that's based on the fact that I don't know how long it's been since the outbreak began. I just get the vibe of a detetive being early 30s pre-outbreak. Having this one as the older member would support his clashes with Killian and his experience seeing things from a detective's perspective would help to warp his moral standing. I like the power for this one.

Kale Sheffield: A hacker with water abilities? Seems a little conflicting, how many computers has she accidentally broken with that power? xD Electricity manipulation may be more fitting for the tech member and since a lot of power would be down in an apocalypse, it would limit their abilities meaning they have to be smart about how they utilize it. Assuming they manipulate it and don't generate it. 

Offline roadkill404

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Re: Outbreak! character breakdown. feedback appreciated!
« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2016, 10:30:38 PM »
Killian Murray: If he's a natural leader, this either needs to be formed gradually in the story or some time needs to have passed since he woke up. I think it would be unrealistic for him to be offered leadership right away when he's suffering amnesia. Perhaps have an original leader who is killed in action during some of the OP Company's early missions? Killian should develop into a leader rather than start as one.

Cassandra Callahan: Wind abilities that amplify abilities reminds me of Wendy from Fairy Tail a little too much. A different element or something a little more abstract may be more unique to heal and support allies.

Mouth: I like this character, the fact that he/she has the ability to understand the structure of things makes it more interesting that he/she doesn't understand their feelings for Killian or for people in general.

KID: Interesting character but I feel KID and Mouth are a little too alike in certain aspects of their social inabilities. The dimensional warp seems a little OP compared to the others if teleportation AND invisibility are powers she can wield. I say go for one or the other.

Michie Mcclain: I feel this one should be a little older but that's based on the fact that I don't know how long it's been since the outbreak began. I just get the vibe of a detetive being early 30s pre-outbreak. Having this one as the older member would support his clashes with Killian and his experience seeing things from a detective's perspective would help to warp his moral standing. I like the power for this one.

Kale Sheffield: A hacker with water abilities? Seems a little conflicting, how many computers has she accidentally broken with that power? xD Electricity manipulation may be more fitting for the tech member and since a lot of power would be down in an apocalypse, it would limit their abilities meaning they have to be smart about how they utilize it. Assuming they manipulate it and don't generate it.

Killian:  To clarify, Outbreak! Is a two part series. Outbreak! (Pt 1) is literally all about character backstories.  Killian awakens in a hospital with amnesia by a shady character calling himself "Langley" (CIA reference). Because of his pre Outbreak! Files, not even Langley has access to his personnel documents. Considering his proximity to a secret, off the grid hospital, Langle imediately came to the conclusion that Killian was fit for the job. Killian, however, practically needs to re-establish his skills as a leader in pt 1. Outbreak! OP Company (pt. 2) his role as leader and tactician is solidified.

Cassandra Callahan: i literally pulled her character from Wendy at first, but copyright infringements made me back off a bit lol. I revised her character to make her a more of a master, combining both the ability to generate and manipulate wind, while having the background of a Military RVN. She doesn't "heal" with magic, but rather gets her hands bloodied with her knowledge of first aid by actually performing impromptu surgies etc. I felt that it fit more in line with the gritty and dark aspect of the manga. Her "Wind" ability plays a supporting roll. What happens if you add oxygen to fire (Michie's ability). What happens if you condense oxygen and then add moisture (Kale)? If you condense a pocket of air, add moisture, then throw a little bit of electricity in the mix (Killian), do you get an awesome lightning storm? With each character she amplifies their power tenfold, and every ability added in a unique way creates a beautiful symphony of destruction.

Mouth: I originally intended Killian to be the the star of the show, but Mouth quickly stole the spotlight. Blonde haired, abused, tsundere/yander, hot headed, each scene practically revolves around her. In fact the name "OP COMPANY" Directly hearlds from Mouth's last words from pt 1. "" Did you *censored*ing see that Killian?! We wiped them off of the face of this planet! We're *censored*ing badass! We're  OPAF!"

Kid: Mouth and Kid are the same sides of crazy at opposite spectrums. At the polar opposite from the above description, Kid is broken completely. Mouth was her crutch for sanity. When they were separated Kid slipped further into delirium. In fact I've based her off of the character "Delirium" from Neil Gaiman's "Sandman" comics. Her power is pretty gimp, regardless of how overpowered it sounds. First she needs to be in a blood frenzy strong enough to bring about a lucid state. Secondly, at full power she can only hold her deminsional warp for a max of roughly 3 minutes, and last if she's not in a lucid state she can omly "flash" her power. Kind of like flicking on and off a light switch rapidly.

Michie McClain: I originally wrote him at the age of 32, but I felt that it would be a bit weird developing a relationship between him and Kale. Especially since they become romantically attatched three years later in Outbreak! OP Company. Personally I've never dated a woman 10+years my junior so the age gap felt a bit weird for me lol.

Kale Sheffield: Hacker? Yes. Water Manipulator? Yes. Seems contradicting at first, but if you look at her background as the daughter of a Navy veteran she fits the bill. Her early life was spent learning oceanography terminology, spending weeks abroad on a yacht with her father, and learning how to use radar and sonar devices. She only picked up hacking when her father was court marshalled unjustly and sentenced to execution. She often heard from him that he was working on an important global project. When she picked up hacking she investigated what he was working on and discovered files mentioning the "serenity project". That's when she pissed off global organizations . she decided to turn herself in at this point in a public fashion to prevent the possibility of her silent execution.
 

I'd also like to define " Manipulator " and "Generator". A Manipulator uses outside resources given their ability, they can't create fire or water (Kale and Michie), but if their element is present they can manipulate it to their will.  Generators can create elemental forces within themselves, but can't cast them at will. They need to have the proper medium to transfer their ability from point A to point B (Killian does this by either directly making physical contact at close range with his metal quarter staff,  or using any conductive metal connecting him to his target)
« Last Edit: January 29, 2016, 10:58:57 PM by roadkill404 »

Offline Walter B

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Re: Outbreak! character breakdown. feedback appreciated!
« Reply #6 on: January 30, 2016, 12:41:51 AM »
Quote
Cassandra Callahan: i literally pulled her character from Wendy at first, but copyright infringements made me back off a bit lol

Really doesn't matter. Needs to be ridiculously similar to get anywhere near copyright infringement. Is not like fairy tail invented wind maniuplation. But people are still going to say "oh so thats like wendy"anyway.

Quote
I'd also like to define " Manipulator " and "Generator". A Manipulator uses outside resources given their ability, they can't create fire or water (Kale and Michie), but if their element is present they can manipulate it to their will.  Generators can create elemental forces within themselves, but can't cast them at will.

Reminds me of HxH conjurer manipulator etc stuff. Don't exactly get what generators do from that description. Example?

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Offline swearzy

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Re: Outbreak! character breakdown. feedback appreciated!
« Reply #7 on: January 30, 2016, 01:15:32 AM »
Generators 'generate' (Make, produce, fabricate, form ect.) their own power is what I understand

Offline Walter B

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Re: Outbreak! character breakdown. feedback appreciated!
« Reply #8 on: January 30, 2016, 01:37:11 AM »
That make sense. Is the can't cast them at will part I don't get. Mean there are some conditions?

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Offline roadkill404

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Re: Outbreak! character breakdown. feedback appreciated!
« Reply #9 on: January 30, 2016, 07:21:44 AM »
That make sense. Is the can't cast them at will part I don't get. Mean there are some conditions?

Manipulator's can manipulate their environmentaand don't need the natural flow of a conduit. Kale doesn't need downward gravitation to send water where she wants and Michie doesn't need wind conditions or a continuous path of fuel to manipulate fire, however they require the resource to be present in the first place.

Generators like Killian can generate and produce their elemental ability at will, but can only effectively use their ability externally when their enviornment is prime. For example, Electricity generators produce electricity, but they can't cast it in any given direction. Thus they compensate by using a metallic object such as a chain or a rod as a conduit to effectively direct their element. Fire generators need a defined fuel source to direct their power like a line of gasoline or a gas main. Otherwise it turns into one messy, and potentially innefective, AoE attack.

Manipulators are also fairly common through the Outbreak! universe since their ability is more based off their personality and life experiences, while Generators seem to be born from actual physical alteration to their bodies. Killian's operation is the only example so far as a Generator. I'm still trying to hash out the details. But its an explanation for why there can't just be a team of complementing elemental users. Generators are just too rare.
« Last Edit: January 30, 2016, 08:02:45 AM by roadkill404 »

Offline a

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Re: Outbreak! character breakdown. feedback appreciated!
« Reply #10 on: January 30, 2016, 11:40:39 AM »
I'll be blunt, I think you need to do more. I don't know if it's because i came in here expecting character design descriptions, but it just doesn't really leave me thinking 'wow, that's great'. There's not really much in way of hopes, aspirations, personality, etc.


Example;

•   Killian Murray: Introductory age, roughly 28. Sex: Male. Background, unknown.  His government file contains more black ink than a printer cartridge newly purchased from Staples. He awakens in a hospital after an intense surgery. The physical and psychological trauma during the first skeletal bionic upgrades ever attempted makes him amnesic. When he woke up he met a very seedy individual with a “proposition”. Leader of the “OP Company”, he’s exemplary at leadership, guerilla warfare, close quarters combat, and small arms weaponry (pistols to SMGs). Level headed, decisive, and quick witted, he  practically takes control of the battle field regardless of the situation. Ability: electrical generator (ability to charge electricity within his body, but requires an outside conductor to release it)


Would this character be hotheaded, forgetful, bloodthirsty (like Eren from AOT), etc? How does he behave in a scenario? Does he behave with a swagger, or is he a stiff in his manner. Is Killian the one who 'takes control of a battle' or is that the OP leader?
What specifically allows him to take control of the battlefield? How is this character different from the MC of the Infamous series?
How exactly did the Bionics impact him? What happened to him. Was it bionic arms, legs, eyes, or does he have a cannon sticking through his chest? As readers, we don't know from this brief description.

I'd also argue you should focus on improving your writing. There were some flow issues and spelling errors.
I've always believed good writing should flow and connect with itself.

Offline roadkill404

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Re: Outbreak! character breakdown. feedback appreciated!
« Reply #11 on: January 30, 2016, 12:05:46 PM »
Bro, I'm using a cell phone. I don't own  a laptop or computer. I'm trying to condense and transfer hand written work from paper to this site so its a given that spelling errors and lack of information would be common lol. If I could upload my work or copy and paste it I would definitely prefer that method, but  alas, I lack the ability of such first world luxuries :(

In regards to character personality and description, I chunked it down strictly to their abilities and skimmed through their backstories,; partially because it would have been an incredible pain in the ass to type everything on this tiny screen of mine and mostly because I was afraid of the tldr individuals. I tried to keep it as short and eye catching as possible to have people ask questions or give their friendly advice so I could developed my hand written in blood, sweat, and tears, manga :)
« Last Edit: January 30, 2016, 12:30:54 PM by roadkill404 »

Offline swearzy

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Re: Outbreak! character breakdown. feedback appreciated!
« Reply #12 on: January 31, 2016, 01:13:47 PM »
That make sense. Is the can't cast them at will part I don't get. Mean there are some conditions?

Manipulator's can manipulate their environmentaand don't need the natural flow of a conduit. Kale doesn't need downward gravitation to send water where she wants and Michie doesn't need wind conditions or a continuous path of fuel to manipulate fire, however they require the resource to be present in the first place.

Generators like Killian can generate and produce their elemental ability at will, but can only effectively use their ability externally when their enviornment is prime. For example, Electricity generators produce electricity, but they can't cast it in any given direction. Thus they compensate by using a metallic object such as a chain or a rod as a conduit to effectively direct their element. Fire generators need a defined fuel source to direct their power like a line of gasoline or a gas main. Otherwise it turns into one messy, and potentially innefective, AoE attack.

Manipulators are also fairly common through the Outbreak! universe since their ability is more based off their personality and life experiences, while Generators seem to be born from actual physical alteration to their bodies. Killian's operation is the only example so far as a Generator. I'm still trying to hash out the details. But its an explanation for why there can't just be a team of complementing elemental users. Generators are just too rare.

Like Pyro from Xmen, he needs a source of fire to use his ability.

Offline roadkill404

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Re: Outbreak! character breakdown. feedback appreciated!
« Reply #13 on: February 03, 2016, 02:11:53 AM »
Alright, before I risk exposing myself to early carpal tunnel syndrome since I'm only able to respond on my mobile device, I would like to know what yyou readers want most. Would y'all like a full in depth explanation of each character? Or would you like a developed timeline first?. I posted this originally because I have the characters of pt 2; Outbreak! OP(OVERPOWERED) Company exactly where I want them, but I pt1 is incredibly underdeveloped. Please let me know which is more important to communicate first! Thanks :)

Offline MisterSherbetLemon

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Re: Outbreak! character breakdown. feedback appreciated!
« Reply #14 on: February 03, 2016, 05:07:44 AM »
I think a segment of the story itself would probably show a lot more about the kind of people you're writing about than a profile about them.