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Author Topic: Feather [Reworked, Will post soon]  (Read 1183 times)

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Offline Johtoh

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Feather [Reworked, Will post soon]
« on: January 19, 2016, 09:04:54 AM »
Hello there! First i would like to thank you for opening this post and taking your time to help me improve! Im not too sure yet where i want to go with the story but i have the genres in mind. This is something i thought about it this morning (it is currently 9:25pm) and is in no way a well thought out, planned, and proof read piece. So please put up with me!

FEATHER
Genre: Action, Romance, Fantasy, Sci-Fi.

Plot:
What is lost can always be found. Joh Ira encountered a murder on his way home which resulted in him being disabled. Losing friends, popularity, and sense of being. Joh turned to a game that was introduced to him as his only source of happiness. Feather is about Joh's adventures and life after his tragic day. The only question is if he is able to recover or not.

Prologue:
Spoiler
“Huf.. huff.. huff.. huff”

“Why me”

Was the only thing that could come to the boys mind. If one could hear his thoughts, it would sound like a maelstrom. Wanting to escape, but in his condition, he knew the inevitable would come. With his right arm grasping the gash running downward on his left bicep and left leg unusable due a severe ankle sprain, he was currently fleeing for his life.

“He.. HELPPP!”

The boy started to scream in the dead of night. There was no response from the neighborhood he was in.

“HEEELPPPP!”

The sound of steel grinding against concrete could be heard behind him. The boy did not dare to look back, because he already knew what was there.

“*censored*, *censored*ing, *censored*.”

The figure of the tall man that attacked him was slowing approaching.

“SOMEONE IS TRYING TO KI-“ Thump

The boy fell. His ears were ringing.

‘Well this must be the end then…. Ive lost too much blood.  I guess ill accept what’s coming.‘

He thought. But his body was responding differently. Standing up on his good foot he turned. The figure was now in front of him. The only difference was that he could see him clearly. It was a tall Caucasian male who was smiling bright as day. His arm was raised ready to swing.

“H… H-he disappeared?”

Looking towards the right he saw that the man lying down with his neck twisted in the distance. A delivery truck hit him.

“Hell yeah truck-kun”

The boy then collapsed and lost consciousness.


Authors Notes:
So i know i could rephrase the sentences a lot better. Such as lines 13 and 14. But i was unable to come up with better alternatives. And the "truck-kun" part. I plan on removing it after the work becomes fully fleshed out. Only weeaboos such as i can understand the truck-kun and how it influences anime/manga. If one doesnt understand truck-kun, then it makes no sense and is more of a WTF. A friend commented on 2 lines before last - "what the *censored* is this Deus Ex Machina scenario?". I have no idea what she means by that....
[/size]
« Last Edit: March 01, 2016, 01:17:01 AM by Johtoh »

Offline Johtoh

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Re: Feather
« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2016, 12:09:52 AM »
Volume 1

WILL POST THIS WEEKEND. PLEASE LOOK FORWARD TO IT
« Last Edit: March 01, 2016, 01:17:51 AM by Johtoh »

Offline Johtoh

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Re: Feather [CHAPTER 1 IS OUT! 1/29]
« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2016, 12:17:38 PM »
Volume 2
« Last Edit: March 01, 2016, 01:18:41 AM by Johtoh »

Offline Johtoh

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Re: Feather [CHAPTER 2 IS OUT! 2/10]
« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2016, 08:20:46 AM »
Volume 3
« Last Edit: March 01, 2016, 01:18:13 AM by Johtoh »

Offline legomaestro

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Re: Feather [CHAPTER 2 IS OUT! 2/10]
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2016, 03:14:07 PM »
Chapter 1
1. Interesting concept judging from the plot. In advance I've got to recommend strong interesting characters. Try to avoid cliche characters and give them as much depth as possible.

2. Wanting to escape, but in his condition, he knew the inevitable would come.

- Rephrase the sentence because it reads off clunky.

3. The sound of steel grinding against concrete could be heard behind him. The boy did not dare to look back, because he already knew what was there.

“*censored*, *censored*ing, *censored*.”

- Nice writing of terror.

3.  The figure of the tall man that attacked him was slowing approaching.
- *that had attacked him
- Your sentences seem to always have the main subject at the end. We call this writing in a passive voice. Instead of 'The boy drank the water' you're writing 'The water was drank by the boy'. Sometimes passive voice works better, but for most of the times it's better to write direct sentences. It makes it easier for the reader to visualize the scene before the sentence finishes. Even if the end of the sentence is not seen, 'The boy drank' gives more information than 'The water was drank'


4. His arm was raised ready to swing.

“H… H-he disappeared?”

Looking towards the right he saw that the man lying down with his neck twisted in the distance. A delivery truck hit him.

“Hell yeah truck-kun”

The boy then collapsed and lost consciousness.


- What happened here exactly? I'm confused. I understand the man was hit by a truck but the wording is a bit bad. And would someone seeing a grisly end to their attacker really say 'hell yeah truck-kun?" Seems really off and abnormal.



5.A faint light could be seen through Joh's point of view

- Passive voice again.

6. Exclaimed Jun as he ran out. His brother, Jun Ira, had always been more emotional. Growing up, there were always fights and times where he had to confront him. It was only till he turned 16 that he started to mellow.

- Where who had to confront wo? Where who had started to mellow? If you have many pronouns be careful to name them properly or you risk confusing the reader.

7.
He also grew considerably taller and more handsome too. With his recent haircut, his long black hair turned into a loose combover. His jawline became more defined and muscles more developed. It complimented his 5'6 figure, which was an inch shorter than Joh's, and gave off a more mature look.

‘He's still a cry baby after all'

- Same thing with the pronouns, but the sentence needs a descriptor I think, to show who is saying it and talking about it.
- And if the brother is such a crybaby would he also be aggressive when he was younger?

8. Joh was getting a headache from Jun

- *Joh had a headache* or 'Jun was giving Joh a headache'

9. One was wearing a white lab coat while the other in a floral patterned scrub uniform.

- Just wondering. Are there such thing as floral patterned scrub uniforms?


10. Joh quickly sat up.

- 'Joh sat up quickly' is a safer way to make sentences. Have the important action first, and then describe how he did it.

- In any case, as a rule of thumb it is better to avoid adverbs (quickly, angrily, happily, sadly). More often than not they are a lazy way to describe something and take away from the narrative. It is okay to have a few, but your story can be all the better without them. It cuts out unnessceray words.

11. Whilst answering questions he was bothered that he couldn't recall what made him end up at the hospital. He remembered bits and pieces, like when the attack started but had no idea why or how long it happened for. The memories were slowly coming back to Joh

- I'm also wondering what prompted the attack in the first place.

12. Joh was sitting on the couch with his left leg rested on the coffee table in front of him. He didn't know what is more annoying, the brace on his leg or his brother constantly asking him if he needed anything every ten minutes

- *was more annoying

13. It's been 5 days since his discharge.

*It had been

14.
He was dreading going to school. He hated the pathetic state he was in. It also didn't help that Jun replaced his crutches with a handmade wooden crutch with a dark finish. It was pretty fancy but too fancy for the likes of Joh. From what Jun told Joh

- Jun and Joh's names are confusing together, so make sure their characters are really that stand out to remember who they are.

- Has he looked into why he was attacked? I understand he's in a tough spot, but it seems strange not to want to know why he was in this state. He said he couldn't remember everything properly right?

15. Jun looked like a puppy when he brought it out, his face demanded praise. Since it was a gift from his own blood, Joh couldn't say no.

- Haha.

16. According to the two officers that visited, the person who attacked Joh had killed three others before him. They were chasing him the night of the attack but lost him in an alleyway. It was then that he must have been attacked. When they caught up they found Joh and the attacker who was dead. The two officers looked guilty, they had thought because of their lack of skill they are responsible for what happened to Joh. Sensing the guilt, Joh dismissed the thought of blaming the two officers. Giving them a simple response

"Well, don't think this is your fault, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. So please do prevent incidents like this from happening in the future."

He was able to make the officers feel better though they only felt more guilty.


- It seems like if you wanted to show the scene it would be better to show it. Either you describe it in a summary form as you did at first, or you show the scene right before this one. Otherwise it turns out to be a flashback, and it's better to avoid those if you can.

- Surprised Joh is cool enough not to blame anyone.


17. They had been away for eight years due to the Telecommunication business, although they did keep in contact through video chat once a week.

- Does that actually happen?

18.Jun pointed at the T.V. in the background. There was an ad playing for a VRMMO that came out last week. VRMMO is short for Virtual Reality Massive Multiplayer Online, in other words, it is a game. Though Joh never played a video game or virtual reality game in his life due to sports and school, he did hear his classmates talk about it all the time. As for Jun, he got a Virtual Reality Console, or VRC, last month so he's been trying to convince Joh to play with him.

"We should play that together!"

- Play what together? I think you should at least describe the VRMMO in an advertisement. Otherwise one feels no stake in it. It could be that you did that on purpose, but at least there needs to be words said by Aunt Rose. As it is I only know by the narrator's voice that she is there, but I know nothing of her personality or how she is reacting to Joh's condition. I know Jun is being overly helpful and doting, but what about the aunt?


18. Joh thought about it.

"Maybe.."


- Joh doesn't seem like the type to be interested in video games. His situation sucks, but he can walk around. Or did he really love sport? I feel like you did a great job of showing his fear when he was being chased, but there is nothing to really show how he feels about being hindered by his leg like this. He is annoyed at his brother being overly helpful, and he was forgiving to the police men even after they felt guilty.

 Does that mean he has accepted his situation? That's fine, but then something else needs to be the hook for the first chapter because it sort of falls flat as a hook. There is not enough interest generated, it's a bit like ending the chapter on Joh deciding he wanted to order a pizza instead of eat cooked food.

 More stakes, more emotions, and you'll have the reader interested in the next chapter. For example what if he met with the team and they act badly towards him? That would give him a reason to try to escape his bad situation through a VRMMO. Or what if the VRMMO itself is amazing and popuar? I can't tell because you did not describe the advertisement.


- It's a nice concept, and the formatting is good for the most part. Just work on the passive voice and describe things a bit more. You can do it well because the beginning of the chapter was especially gripping.



Chapter 2
1. He looked at the fancy stick called a crutch. At first, he didn't like it, but now he grew accustomed to it. It was expert craftsmanship. Heading towards class, he was greeted by two males he regarded as best friends.

- Joh has a surprisingly good tolerance of things. I would've been a bitter mess by then.

2.
"You can say that again. I mean look at your leg, looks bad."

Lew pointed to Joh's brace. Immediately after Lew's comment Joh's heart ached, he felt like retreating to an empty corner.

- Wow, that went badly. Sometimes friends can diffuse awkward situations by going out and blurting out the elephant in the room with the rudest means possible. But I guess it was a pure miss here.

3. Lew and Choi quickly left before Joh had a chance to wave goodbye. Normally the three would stay there chatting till the bell rang which indicated class starting

- Confused. Wasn't he offended? And now he wants to hang around and chat with them?

4. His first class was Technology. He chose it due to the fact that the class never fails anyone and because his friends were in it too.

*failed

5. That wasn't the truth but it's what Joh told others. He didn't want to tell anyone what really happened due to the fact that it will only invite more questions to be asked.

- Does he even remember what really happened?

6.
The reason for Joh's current attitude is due to his last two classes he attended. The students and eventually his friends secluded him while talking behind his back. At first, he wasn't affected but when his friends started to isolate Joh, it hurt him emotionally. Only to make matters worse, the current track and field captain approached him at the end of class to tell him "You shouldn't come to practice today, with your leg you obviously can't practice. Your presence will only distract others. Sorry. But you are always welcome to cheer when we have meets."

And so with mixed feelings, Joh went home.

- I feel like you are fast-forwarding the good bits of the story. The police men coming to interview him, breakfast with his aunt, the advertisement for the VRRMO, and now the isolation. It's not right to say 'he was unhappy now because people treated him badly in the last two classes'. Even if you don't describe everything, avoiding flashbacks and callbacks to events that the reader did not get to see feels cheap. Heck, you could even describe the situations like diary entries with barely much content and still achieve more than a backwards descripton. E.g

His first class was physics. He couldn't concentrate because someone kept on laughing behind him. He left the class before everyone else.

His second class was worse. He had wanted to answer a question he knew the answer to to redeem himself, but the teacher ignored him every time he raised his hand.

And there, you're done. Not too much content, just two small examples, but they are examples that colour the day. The reader can now imagine the other things that were happening. And if the examples themselves feel painful to the reader then you draw them into the story more. Show, not tell.


7. His house was only 30 minutes away by foot, but with his leg, it would take him around an hour.

- Like this sentence. You use very few words to explain a situation, rather than jumping to his house and saying, 'it took him long to get home because of his leg.'

8.
With a bright smile, Jun pulled at a VR console bundled with the new game Free.

- What does a VR console look like? I wonder if it is expensive.


9. All the bad feelings Joh had were swept away with Jun's gift. The act of kindness he received from his brother put a smile on his face. He was thankful for such a good brother.

- This is also an example of what I was talking about. You show the emotions as they happen, which is very good. Imagine if you cut out this entire scene and just said, 'Joh now had a console his brother had bought for him.' It would be a bad way to describe a story situation. Other than skipping obvious stuff in the story, make sure to describe scenes instead of talking about them in flashbacks.

General Thoughts

I think most of my points have already been talked about, but I just want to say the story has real nice potential. A hindered person finding their step in a VR has great potential for a story. What if he gets addicted? What if it is actually the best thing to happen to him because of how he feels? If you work at it you can have a lot of interesting things happen.

I'm just a bit worried about the emotional situation. I think you really do need to show the scenes with him and his friends. I mean as it is just having a bummed leg doesn't seem too painful. Unless you showed that he really loves sport some how then we can feel for the injury. If he was in a wheelchair I could automatically assume that it is the worst possible situation, but with Jo's mostly calm personality I don't feel the impact that the situation should give.

How is the aunt taking all of this? Is she blaming herself or used to the situation?

What is the game exactly? I only know it is called Free, but I don't even know if it's popular or not.

Was Joh a football ace?

In any case, avoid passive sentences, describe story scenes and avoid flashbacks. Keep at it. Nice concept there. I hope this helps. Cheers!

Offline Johtoh

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Re: Feather [CHAPTER 2 IS OUT! 2/10]
« Reply #5 on: March 01, 2016, 01:16:17 AM »
Spoiler
Chapter 1
1. Interesting concept judging from the plot. In advance I've got to recommend strong interesting characters. Try to avoid cliche characters and give them as much depth as possible.

2. Wanting to escape, but in his condition, he knew the inevitable would come.

- Rephrase the sentence because it reads off clunky.

3. The sound of steel grinding against concrete could be heard behind him. The boy did not dare to look back, because he already knew what was there.

“*censored*, *censored*ing, *censored*.”

- Nice writing of terror.

3.  The figure of the tall man that attacked him was slowing approaching.
- *that had attacked him
- Your sentences seem to always have the main subject at the end. We call this writing in a passive voice. Instead of 'The boy drank the water' you're writing 'The water was drank by the boy'. Sometimes passive voice works better, but for most of the times it's better to write direct sentences. It makes it easier for the reader to visualize the scene before the sentence finishes. Even if the end of the sentence is not seen, 'The boy drank' gives more information than 'The water was drank'


4. His arm was raised ready to swing.

“H… H-he disappeared?”

Looking towards the right he saw that the man lying down with his neck twisted in the distance. A delivery truck hit him.

“Hell yeah truck-kun”

The boy then collapsed and lost consciousness.


- What happened here exactly? I'm confused. I understand the man was hit by a truck but the wording is a bit bad. And would someone seeing a grisly end to their attacker really say 'hell yeah truck-kun?" Seems really off and abnormal.



5.A faint light could be seen through Joh's point of view

- Passive voice again.

6. Exclaimed Jun as he ran out. His brother, Jun Ira, had always been more emotional. Growing up, there were always fights and times where he had to confront him. It was only till he turned 16 that he started to mellow.

- Where who had to confront wo? Where who had started to mellow? If you have many pronouns be careful to name them properly or you risk confusing the reader.

7.
He also grew considerably taller and more handsome too. With his recent haircut, his long black hair turned into a loose combover. His jawline became more defined and muscles more developed. It complimented his 5'6 figure, which was an inch shorter than Joh's, and gave off a more mature look.

‘He's still a cry baby after all'

- Same thing with the pronouns, but the sentence needs a descriptor I think, to show who is saying it and talking about it.
- And if the brother is such a crybaby would he also be aggressive when he was younger?

8. Joh was getting a headache from Jun

- *Joh had a headache* or 'Jun was giving Joh a headache'

9. One was wearing a white lab coat while the other in a floral patterned scrub uniform.

- Just wondering. Are there such thing as floral patterned scrub uniforms?


10. Joh quickly sat up.

- 'Joh sat up quickly' is a safer way to make sentences. Have the important action first, and then describe how he did it.

- In any case, as a rule of thumb it is better to avoid adverbs (quickly, angrily, happily, sadly). More often than not they are a lazy way to describe something and take away from the narrative. It is okay to have a few, but your story can be all the better without them. It cuts out unnessceray words.

11. Whilst answering questions he was bothered that he couldn't recall what made him end up at the hospital. He remembered bits and pieces, like when the attack started but had no idea why or how long it happened for. The memories were slowly coming back to Joh

- I'm also wondering what prompted the attack in the first place.

12. Joh was sitting on the couch with his left leg rested on the coffee table in front of him. He didn't know what is more annoying, the brace on his leg or his brother constantly asking him if he needed anything every ten minutes

- *was more annoying

13. It's been 5 days since his discharge.

*It had been

14.
He was dreading going to school. He hated the pathetic state he was in. It also didn't help that Jun replaced his crutches with a handmade wooden crutch with a dark finish. It was pretty fancy but too fancy for the likes of Joh. From what Jun told Joh

- Jun and Joh's names are confusing together, so make sure their characters are really that stand out to remember who they are.

- Has he looked into why he was attacked? I understand he's in a tough spot, but it seems strange not to want to know why he was in this state. He said he couldn't remember everything properly right?

15. Jun looked like a puppy when he brought it out, his face demanded praise. Since it was a gift from his own blood, Joh couldn't say no.

- Haha.

16. According to the two officers that visited, the person who attacked Joh had killed three others before him. They were chasing him the night of the attack but lost him in an alleyway. It was then that he must have been attacked. When they caught up they found Joh and the attacker who was dead. The two officers looked guilty, they had thought because of their lack of skill they are responsible for what happened to Joh. Sensing the guilt, Joh dismissed the thought of blaming the two officers. Giving them a simple response

"Well, don't think this is your fault, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. So please do prevent incidents like this from happening in the future."

He was able to make the officers feel better though they only felt more guilty.


- It seems like if you wanted to show the scene it would be better to show it. Either you describe it in a summary form as you did at first, or you show the scene right before this one. Otherwise it turns out to be a flashback, and it's better to avoid those if you can.

- Surprised Joh is cool enough not to blame anyone.


17. They had been away for eight years due to the Telecommunication business, although they did keep in contact through video chat once a week.

- Does that actually happen?

18.Jun pointed at the T.V. in the background. There was an ad playing for a VRMMO that came out last week. VRMMO is short for Virtual Reality Massive Multiplayer Online, in other words, it is a game. Though Joh never played a video game or virtual reality game in his life due to sports and school, he did hear his classmates talk about it all the time. As for Jun, he got a Virtual Reality Console, or VRC, last month so he's been trying to convince Joh to play with him.

"We should play that together!"

- Play what together? I think you should at least describe the VRMMO in an advertisement. Otherwise one feels no stake in it. It could be that you did that on purpose, but at least there needs to be words said by Aunt Rose. As it is I only know by the narrator's voice that she is there, but I know nothing of her personality or how she is reacting to Joh's condition. I know Jun is being overly helpful and doting, but what about the aunt?


18. Joh thought about it.

"Maybe.."


- Joh doesn't seem like the type to be interested in video games. His situation sucks, but he can walk around. Or did he really love sport? I feel like you did a great job of showing his fear when he was being chased, but there is nothing to really show how he feels about being hindered by his leg like this. He is annoyed at his brother being overly helpful, and he was forgiving to the police men even after they felt guilty.

 Does that mean he has accepted his situation? That's fine, but then something else needs to be the hook for the first chapter because it sort of falls flat as a hook. There is not enough interest generated, it's a bit like ending the chapter on Joh deciding he wanted to order a pizza instead of eat cooked food.

 More stakes, more emotions, and you'll have the reader interested in the next chapter. For example what if he met with the team and they act badly towards him? That would give him a reason to try to escape his bad situation through a VRMMO. Or what if the VRMMO itself is amazing and popuar? I can't tell because you did not describe the advertisement.


- It's a nice concept, and the formatting is good for the most part. Just work on the passive voice and describe things a bit more. You can do it well because the beginning of the chapter was especially gripping.



Chapter 2
1. He looked at the fancy stick called a crutch. At first, he didn't like it, but now he grew accustomed to it. It was expert craftsmanship. Heading towards class, he was greeted by two males he regarded as best friends.

- Joh has a surprisingly good tolerance of things. I would've been a bitter mess by then.

2.
"You can say that again. I mean look at your leg, looks bad."

Lew pointed to Joh's brace. Immediately after Lew's comment Joh's heart ached, he felt like retreating to an empty corner.

- Wow, that went badly. Sometimes friends can diffuse awkward situations by going out and blurting out the elephant in the room with the rudest means possible. But I guess it was a pure miss here.

3. Lew and Choi quickly left before Joh had a chance to wave goodbye. Normally the three would stay there chatting till the bell rang which indicated class starting

- Confused. Wasn't he offended? And now he wants to hang around and chat with them?

4. His first class was Technology. He chose it due to the fact that the class never fails anyone and because his friends were in it too.

*failed

5. That wasn't the truth but it's what Joh told others. He didn't want to tell anyone what really happened due to the fact that it will only invite more questions to be asked.

- Does he even remember what really happened?

6.
The reason for Joh's current attitude is due to his last two classes he attended. The students and eventually his friends secluded him while talking behind his back. At first, he wasn't affected but when his friends started to isolate Joh, it hurt him emotionally. Only to make matters worse, the current track and field captain approached him at the end of class to tell him "You shouldn't come to practice today, with your leg you obviously can't practice. Your presence will only distract others. Sorry. But you are always welcome to cheer when we have meets."

And so with mixed feelings, Joh went home.

- I feel like you are fast-forwarding the good bits of the story. The police men coming to interview him, breakfast with his aunt, the advertisement for the VRRMO, and now the isolation. It's not right to say 'he was unhappy now because people treated him badly in the last two classes'. Even if you don't describe everything, avoiding flashbacks and callbacks to events that the reader did not get to see feels cheap. Heck, you could even describe the situations like diary entries with barely much content and still achieve more than a backwards descripton. E.g

His first class was physics. He couldn't concentrate because someone kept on laughing behind him. He left the class before everyone else.

His second class was worse. He had wanted to answer a question he knew the answer to to redeem himself, but the teacher ignored him every time he raised his hand.

And there, you're done. Not too much content, just two small examples, but they are examples that colour the day. The reader can now imagine the other things that were happening. And if the examples themselves feel painful to the reader then you draw them into the story more. Show, not tell.


7. His house was only 30 minutes away by foot, but with his leg, it would take him around an hour.

- Like this sentence. You use very few words to explain a situation, rather than jumping to his house and saying, 'it took him long to get home because of his leg.'

8.
With a bright smile, Jun pulled at a VR console bundled with the new game Free.

- What does a VR console look like? I wonder if it is expensive.


9. All the bad feelings Joh had were swept away with Jun's gift. The act of kindness he received from his brother put a smile on his face. He was thankful for such a good brother.

- This is also an example of what I was talking about. You show the emotions as they happen, which is very good. Imagine if you cut out this entire scene and just said, 'Joh now had a console his brother had bought for him.' It would be a bad way to describe a story situation. Other than skipping obvious stuff in the story, make sure to describe scenes instead of talking about them in flashbacks.

General Thoughts

I think most of my points have already been talked about, but I just want to say the story has real nice potential. A hindered person finding their step in a VR has great potential for a story. What if he gets addicted? What if it is actually the best thing to happen to him because of how he feels? If you work at it you can have a lot of interesting things happen.

I'm just a bit worried about the emotional situation. I think you really do need to show the scenes with him and his friends. I mean as it is just having a bummed leg doesn't seem too painful. Unless you showed that he really loves sport some how then we can feel for the injury. If he was in a wheelchair I could automatically assume that it is the worst possible situation, but with Jo's mostly calm personality I don't feel the impact that the situation should give.

How is the aunt taking all of this? Is she blaming herself or used to the situation?

What is the game exactly? I only know it is called Free, but I don't even know if it's popular or not.

Was Joh a football ace?

In any case, avoid passive sentences, describe story scenes and avoid flashbacks. Keep at it. Nice concept there. I hope this helps. Cheers!

First i would like to thank you for reading this! Due to your advice, i rewrote the two chapters! Reading it, it sounds a lot more clear. English isnt my first language so there was a lot of mistakes i missed in the chapters you read. I shall post the 3 chapters sometime this weekend so please look forward to it. Though, im not sure if its too interesting yet, im really not good at depecting deep emotion. I only have expertise on writing out fights.

The basic flow of the story will follow like this:

Joh gets into an accident. He loses his social status and feel left out at school. He plays a new released vrmmo to which he slowly become good due to his work habits. Afterwords, some real interesting stuff happens that i dont want to disclose because itll ruin the surprise.

What advice can you give on having Joh be isolated from his popularity at school?